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Upgrade Fever spread to house, DH will die...should I just sit tight & let it pass?

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divergrrl

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Ok, so here''s the 411 in short story form.

1999 dh and I fall in love with 100 year old home on HUUUGE lot (for city standards). 3 stories with 2 bedrooms (but no closets) 1 bathroom. One story is a daylight basement but has a nicely finished office with 3 large windows & door to back patio. We buy it for a song.

2003 dh and I plunk down some coin and add on 1600sq feet. Our house now has a new family room, (turned old one into formal dining) a newly remodeled kitchen, large master suite with closets galore & large bath, and a 600sq foot gym/dance studio with french doors in the lower level that lead out to the patio.

So....we now have a 3200sq ft house, 3 bedrooms, 2 full baths, 2 car detached garage.

I can pick up another "room" by walling off the laundry/storage area in the basement to make a real "den/guestroom",and putting up drywall & laying down carpet. (we can do everything but the carpet ourselves).

and there is a funky toilet/shower combo down there, but its awful. Think old house, up on a concrete slab 18 inches higher than the floor with low ceilings awful.

Soooo DILEMMA;

Our house is so unique, cool, yada yada. DH poured a half court basketball court in our backyard. There''s no other house like ours in the world. I grew up in old homes and always poo-poo''d new construction. Not made sturdy enough, no character, etc. etc.

Well, lately I''ve been dreaming of a new home, but I''ve always said I want to stay in this old house. DH has all of his heart in this house, and it would kill him to leave. I used to have the same emotional attachment, but ever since I had my kid, I''ve been fantasizing about a home with more closets, more bedrooms (if we have 1 more kid, I have NO guestroom anymore, and there is no half bath for guests to use, they have to use Jake''s -- my 2 yr old--- bath, and I stumbled across a house in my neighborhood that is going for the same price as my house could sell for.

It has 2 more bedrooms and 1.5 more baths...the garage is attached, (mine is currently on the OTHER side of my property right now & I live in the rainy NW) and is all brick & very classic looking.

I''m wondering, do I just try and sit on my feelings and hope they pass? DH dreams of living in this house until we are old old old, but since I''m the stay-at-home mom who has to clean this hard to clean house, the "funkiness" and "charm" are turning out to be more of a Pain In My Derriere than I ever imagined.

I can talk to him, but I don''t want to bring it up unless I know how I really feel.

Any advice?

Divergrrl (who''s sick of traipsing up 3 stories to do laundry)
 

Skippy123

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I would just say something like "wouldn't it be nice if we had more room," to see how he feels. Also, I would be checking home prices before hand so you can kinda tell him what the market is doing if he agrees. I think with my husband I just kind of feel out how he feels before I jump into things.

I think also if you look around before he knows then you may even think "Wow, we actually have a great house." I love the character of older homes too and a Large yard!!!

Good luck.
 

decodelighted

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Peoples feelings DO change over time ... what once seemed like a FABULOUS idea + reality + time =
. Don''t think you really have to come to a decision in your own mind about what to "lobby" for before bringing up some of your feelings about the house. You can love something & find fault with it! You might even be suprised to learn he has his *own* gripes about it no matter how much in love w/it he is & how much he idealizes staying put forever. Ultimately it will probably be a pro/con kind of deal. When the cons of the house outweigh the pros ... time to go!

We have an old, old, old broken down charmer. I bought it about five years ago ... DH moved in over a year ago ... and we''ve both been itching to move as maintenence concerns continue to build, the space continues to shrink (w/all his darn stuff
) & our numerous combined animals.
The "charm" has dimmed but we really need to tough it out until we take care of other financial stuff. BELIEVE ME ... if we could trade for a "newer place" at the same price the papers would have been signed in the time it took to write this response!
 

Ellen

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I would just tell him what you just told us. Be truthful, and point out that it''s YOU that has to clean and run up and down 3 floors, with kids.
 

Cehrabehra

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hi diver :) we live in an 85 year old house with good closets for the rooms but no hall closet, no pantry, no coat closet, no broom closet etc. no linen closet - I feel your pain LOL Orig the laundry was in the basement but somewhere along the line it got moved to a mudroom off the kitchen which is fine, but we''re looking at doing a remodel this year and adding a 2 car with master suite and moving the laundry upstairs. I LOVE my old hous e- I love the charm, the neighbhorood.... it''s just awesome! I would sugest doing some more remodels to add closets and move the laundry - maybe add another bedroom. Sounds to me like you have a lot of rooms if it is 3200 and yet not all of the rooms are practical. Are there any rooms you really don''t need or are mostly for show like a living room or the dining room? Could you arrnage things differently so that you can get what you can get what you want out of the house you have now? I''d keep it - find a way!
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 1/7/2007 2:28:05 PM
Author: Skippy123
I would just say something like ''wouldn''t it be nice if we had more room,'' to see how he feels.
omg - 3 people in a 3200 square foot house - wouldn''t it be nice if they had more room? we had 5 people in a 1200 square foot house for *years* and we were cramped but the above makes me giggle LOL
 

Mara

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awww diver tough call. for me a house should be a haven for both people and they should both adore it. it''s tough when one person wants to move and the other is happy where they are. i would just be honest with your husband, and gauge his response. if he is vehemently opposed to the thought of you guys moving, well it might be hard and take a long time to get him to come around....the house might be sold...it might not really be worth it. but if he''s willing to at least think about it...you might have an option. it''s hard though to fall in love with a house on the market already because then you feel that sense of urgency, aka it''s something that someone else might snap up and you might be more emotional about it. so just be sure you are thinking rationally and don''t do anything too rash....first thing is discuss it with hubby!
 

AmberGretchen

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I agree with previous posters that it sounds like you''ll have to discuss it with your DH, but I''m not sure you do need to know how you feel before you do. It sounds like this needs to be a decision that involves both of you. And I think you did a really good job of laying out your feelings, i.e. the pros and cons and the logic of it all, and I can''t really see how he can get mad at you for having mixed feelings. Deco is absolutely right that peoples'' feelings about the reality of things can change (sometimes dramatically) over time, and I think this is absolutely a case of that. As you said - your DH isn''t the one cleaning or hauling laundry from the basement, so maybe he really doesn''t realize how much those things affect you.

In any case you won''t know until you talk to him, and I strongly suspect he might be less defensive and likely to sink his heels in (I don''t know how stubborn he is but most people are once they''re on the defensive) if he feels you are coming to him with concerns and wanting to hear his opinion and input rather than already having made up your mind.

Good luck and please keep us updated on how it goes!!
 

divergrrl

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Cehra: Oh dontcha know it? 3200 and not enough space...LOL...I know, it sounds terrible, but like another person said, it's footage that is not being used sensibly.

For instance, 600sq feet is a gym/dance studio. And, its not accessible from inside the house, (you have to go outside and around to enter it---it was a last minute idea from our framer, it was originally going to be where where stored the lawn mower, yard tools, etc.) and it only has 7ft ceilings. So anything other than a gameroom/playroom/gym is not going to work in there.

My formal dining room. Well it used to be the living room, and I always wanted a formal dining room & I certainly use it TONS, so I can't get rid of that. I love to cook and entertain....

Basement: There are 3 "areas" in my basement:
the finished office, which could be a guest room with a sleeper sofa, but DH works from home, so he does need an office.

Basement Den area (currently not finished) Could also double as a guest room with a sleeper sofa (but those suck!), I'd like to keep it as a den, since my DH has his playstation 2 down there & I hate that thing, so I don't want it in the upstairs tv/living room.

then there is the half that is up on a concrete slab (that we can't have jackhammered out) and you have to bend over to walk in it (about 4 ft tall) and that's where we store boxes. It is great storage, so I'll keep it.

Then there is the laundry area, with the toilet and shower, but its up on a 2ft concrete slab, so the ceiling height is about 6ft. Again, too funky to be useful.

I'd say we lose about another 400sq feet from the basement's weirdness....so now my 3200 sq feet is really only 2200 useable.

We have a horkin' big kitchen...that I love. It's huge.

There is no place to move the laundry to...the rooms on the main level are all open (dining, bathroom 1, kitchen, living room, mastersuite)...on the second floor --top floor-- there are two bedrooms, one teeny, one medium, and a small small hall at the top of the stairs. No room for wash or dryer up there.

So the laundry is in the basement and that's it.

I just feel like I can never get the old part looking as nice as the new part, and since we added on, my house just feels LOOOONG, and hard to manage.

I don't need MORE square footage, I need a better use of footage. I'd love 4 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, office, den, & formal living & dining rooms. That's all. I'd give up my gym in a heartbeat to have a more sensible house.

As for telling my husband, well I CAN and DO tell him anything, but I just know what makes him sensitive. This house is his dreamhouse. It's one of those things, where I care more about his feelings, but I think just need to vent.

He's a Zillow & housing market addict (I swear, he missed his calling) and he's always pulling flyers off houses to see what they are going for (its him & his sister's hobby..they crack me up). I was driving around since my son fell asleep in the car today & I found a gorgeous neighborhood.

I think Deco hit it on the head (you are such a smart & intuitive woman, I always love reading your posts!) that feelings change. He also knows my "dream" home is a mediterranean style house...and I fantasize about them from time to time, but we have a cool craftsman.

I dunno, I love this house too, and I just wonder if a lot of it comes from being Toddler-Tired all the time (and I have this deer in the headlights "omg, we want another child?" look in my eyes and I start to wonder how the heck I'm going to manage.

And to make matters worse, our house skyrocketed in value due to our remodel efforts, so now I can afford some pretty cool properties, in our little zipcode that we love, and there are a handful of new construction builders in this neck of the woods that make homes that people who like old homes would like. And the houses are "green" as well,which I like.

And to make matters even worse...there are 5 houses on our street--2 are small, run down rentals, one with a nice family in it and the one next to us which usually has the cops showing up for one reason or another. The guy who owns the cool Victorian across the street? Registered Sex Offender. I thought he was real nice & we were friends for years until he got fired from his middle school for allegedly molesting male students. Then when he was in jail (he's out now) he made friends with all sorts of criminal males who he lets "stay" at his house to get back on their feet.

I don't want to sound like a snob, but I didn't buy in this area for this crud. I could have stayed in the inner city (where i grew up) instead of an affluent suburb. This area is renowned for schools, lack of crime, blah blah blah....but it just goes to show, it doesn't matter where you live, it takes all kinds and crime is everywhere.

Anyhoo, thanks for letting me vent ad nauseum. I think I'll just tell my DH that I fantasize about a new home sometimes and would he mind looking around with me, just to keep our minds open.

Who knows, I might decided I love my old house too much, or he may decide a new place is a good idea.

Never know where a whim will take you...

Jeannine
 

phoenixgirl

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3,369
As somebody who just followed a whim and ended up purchasing a house, I know how you feel. And I agree: it can''t hurt to look around.

My father-in-law never intended to move, but then he and his wife found the perfect house one day while hiking, so they jumped on it. I think that if it''s meant to be, then both of you will "know" when you tour the right house. If not, then you get out of the house on some Sunday afternoons and get free entertainment.
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 1/7/2007 6:52:32 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
As somebody who just followed a whim and ended up purchasing a house, I know how you feel. And I agree: it can''t hurt to look around.

My father-in-law never intended to move, but then he and his wife found the perfect house one day while hiking, so they jumped on it. I think that if it''s meant to be, then both of you will ''know'' when you tour the right house. If not, then you get out of the house on some Sunday afternoons and get free entertainment.
that''s how we found this house.... I was at an evening class with people I had known a few years - had no idea they were married... anyway they were talking about selling and on a whim I asked how many bedrooms it had lol That''s where we live now :) Serendipity!

Diver - I''d be uncomfortable in that neighborhood as well, but you never know who your new neighbors will be either. I''m very happy there are no "little red dots" around where I live, but those only represent KNOWN offenders - who knows who just hasn''t been caught yet! I read somewhere that 1/10 girls are molested during childhood and I look at the kids in my kids'' classes and wonder which girls it is.... you just never know, these people blend in
 

divergrrl

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2,224
Cehra: Funny thing is, this is a fabulous neighborhood to live in! My neighbor isn't registered as predatory (little red dots that were in yesterday's or today's paper--you and I live close, did you see that article in the paper?) and there are none of those near me. I'm in one of those towns where the 16 year old girls drive nicer cars than me & the starting "rock" most women sport is around 3 carats.

It's just funny, that I move from the city to the burbs for safety, schools, etc... and I wind up with the 2 freaks in the whole town next to me. Oh well, I've always maintained that you can't pick your neighbors, and that no place is truly "safe" or utopian, so what can ya do.

Although this does have me thinking of ways I could configure the basement to give me another bedroom.

Or I could just stop at one child. LOL.

(did I mention we nicknamed our son El Diablito this week? I need a t-shirt that says "mommy drinks because I'm two")

Thanks,

Jeannine
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 1/7/2007 11:42:45 PM
Author: divergrrl
Cehra: Funny thing is, this is a fabulous neighborhood to live in! My neighbor isn''t registered as predatory (little red dots that were in yesterday''s or today''s paper--you and I live close, did you see that article in the paper?) and there are none of those near me. I''m in one of those towns where the 16 year old girls drive nicer cars than me & the starting ''rock'' most women sport is around 3 carats.

It''s just funny, that I move from the city to the burbs for safety, schools, etc... and I wind up with the 2 freaks in the whole town next to me. Oh well, I''ve always maintained that you can''t pick your neighbors, and that no place is truly ''safe'' or utopian, so what can ya do.

Although this does have me thinking of ways I could configure the basement to give me another bedroom.

Or I could just stop at one child. LOL.

(did I mention we nicknamed our son El Diablito this week? I need a t-shirt that says ''mommy drinks because I''m two'')

Thanks,

Jeannine
I didn''t see the paper - I gave up on the paper years ago in lieu of the internet because I couldn''t manage the actual clutter of the paper LOL Hey - good news is 1-2 is WORSE than 2-3 by quite a bit!! Once they start talking well it calms a bit haha... just don''t have the kids too close together!! My first are 5 yrs and my 2nd and 3rd are 2 years - yikes!! I did see the internet link to the oregon whatever it is that puts the red dots out LOL I wonder why hes not registered??? And yeah I know you live close, but I''m really curious where exactly, I mean not *exactly* but just.... anyway don''t post it. We''ll just do lunch *someday* haha with at least christa and hopefully ltl :)
 

divergrrl

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Cehra: He''s not registered because he is not considered "PREDATORY". Only the predatories are listed. It even says so on the site.

As for not having kids close together, I was 34 when I had my boy, and now I''m 36. I''m worried about being even MORE tired, since I definitely feel run down doing this whole kid raising thing. And I also don''t stay pregnant, so I might have to try a few times, and it took a few years to get kid #1 to stick.


Not that I care how old anyone is when they start families, but for my DH & me, we''ve both admitted that we are feeling pretty wrung out (he''s almost 42) so I really don''t want to be much older than I am now, since I don''t seem to be getting more energetic with age....
(and I workout, do yoga, and eat right...and I sleep 8/9 hours a night....what the HELL is my problem? Oh, and I''m healthy as a horse, had all that checked too, because I was so tired...)

Anyway...I''m venting cuz I''m tired, emotional, and sick of my weird house this week.

Thanks for lisetening all, I''ll shut up now.

Jeannine
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 1/8/2007 12:14:07 AM
Author: divergrrl
Cehra: He''s not registered because he is not considered ''PREDATORY''. Only the predatories are listed. It even says so on the site.

As for not having kids close together, I was 34 when I had my boy, and now I''m 36. I''m worried about being even MORE tired, since I definitely feel run down doing this whole kid raising thing. And I also don''t stay pregnant, so I might have to try a few times, and it took a few years to get kid #1 to stick.


Not that I care how old anyone is when they start families, but for my DH & me, we''ve both admitted that we are feeling pretty wrung out (he''s almost 42) so I really don''t want to be much older than I am now, since I don''t seem to be getting more energetic with age....
(and I workout, do yoga, and eat right...and I sleep 8/9 hours a night....what the HELL is my problem? Oh, and I''m healthy as a horse, had all that checked too, because I was so tired...)

Anyway...I''m venting cuz I''m tired, emotional, and sick of my weird house this week.

Thanks for lisetening all, I''ll shut up now.

Jeannine
nah feel free :) Having kids takes a lot out of you.... especially boys lol My daught was a good 3 at least before I started feeling back to myself. I''m 36 also. To me two kids is easier than one because they play together and aren''t constantly pulling on the skirt hems..... however three kids.... hehehe.... just kidding ;-)
 

diamondfan

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I think homes are something that evolve, our needs change, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to move if you can afford it. As long as you can stay in the same area, I think you should start gently planting the seed. I mean, I get that hubby loves it, but do you really see yourself never living elsewhere in your entire life? (I have lived in one apartment, one townhouse (first years of marriage) and we are in our 5th house, all this in 16 years...and hubby would move again to get certain things...but this would be IT for me for sure....
 

diamondfan

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Diver, I also love Mediterranean and I love Craftsman too.

We left my dream house in So. Cal, a stunning Med that we had totally remodeled and improved at a high cost, since we planned on being there a LONG time. Sold it in months to move east at a HUGE loss (still hurts 9 years later)...and where I live there are not a lot of Med style homes. I also love Georgian Colonials but I missed my home. I get his feelings. But people''s needs and tastes change. People give up their sports car when they have a family, and I just all new crystal china and silver because I did not like what I chose 16 plus years ago, my tastes has absolutely changed. So while I understand he is sensitive, there are you and your son and other potential kids to think about in the future, and sometimes we just have to let go as our lives evolve...
 

sumbride

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Date: 1/7/2007 6:23:41 PM
Author: divergrrl

Then there is the laundry area, with the toilet and shower, but its up on a 2ft concrete slab, so the ceiling height is about 6ft. Again, too funky to be useful.
Don''t know if this is more work than you''d want to take on or not, but the reason all that plumbing is up higher is for the height of the exiting sewer pipe in your basement. But they make sewer pumps now so you don''t HAVE to have it up on a slab. When we looked at old houses I thought the high toilet throne thing was just ridiculous until my agent explained it, but we bought a renovated house with a pump, not a throne. Also works on the shower. You can''t use that bathroom if the power is out though. And last time I was in the plumbing supply store I saw a toilet that flushes "UP" so you wouldn''t even need a sewer pump. Don''t know what the price is.
 
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