Ugly family ring

[devotion]

Ok, I admit it, I have been snooping and probably shouldn''t have. But while snooping I found out that he was going to propose and then didn''t. So then I continued to snoop and did not like what I found which turned out to be a really ugly ring. It must be the family ring that is available to him which he had mentioned to me that back when we were first dating.

I have talked with my friends about this and we have come up with two different senarios. 1. That he realized this ring was NOT me and has decided to wait until he has a "real" ring. 2. If he does propose with the ring can I say, "Yes, I love you. Yes, I will marry you, but No, I will not wear that ring"? I do not want to hurt him.

I know that the ring is not what matters and I would rather not have one, than to receive this one.(Yes its that bad) We do not have alot of money but we could definately afford something I would like. I am scared of him proposing with that ring, and if he does I will feel like he doesn''t know me at all.

Please help! How can I keep this from turning into a disaster? I was thinking of dropping little hints like when I get a ring I would like it to be my own. But I don''t want to draw attention to the fact I was snooping either!

 

[Samantha Red]

devotion, you could do one of those hypothetical type conversations and say that a work colleague just got engaged with a family ring and tell him that you feel really superstitious about that sort of thing, i.e. for such an important ring you would want your own from the start. Even if you don''t believe this, it would put him off giving this one to you, hopefully

 

[sistagrl2004]

Date: 2/13/2007 12:50:56 PM
Author:devotion
Ok, I admit it, I have been snooping and probably shouldn''t have. But while snooping I found out that he was going to propose and then didn''t. So then I continued to snoop and did not like what I found which turned out to be a really ugly ring. It must be the family ring that is available to him which he had mentioned to me that back when we were first dating.

I have talked with my friends about this and we have come up with two different senarios. 1. That he realized this ring was NOT me and has decided to wait until he has a ''real'' ring. 2. If he does propose with the ring can I say, ''Yes, I love you. Yes, I will marry you, but No, I will not wear that ring''? I do not want to hurt him.

I know that the ring is not what matters and I would rather not have one, than to receive this one.(Yes its that bad) We do not have alot of money but we could definately afford something I would like. I am scared of him proposing with that ring, and if he does I will feel like he doesn''t know me at all.

Please help! How can I keep this from turning into a disaster? I was thinking of dropping little hints like when I get a ring I would like it to be my own. But I don''t want to draw attention to the fact I was snooping either!

Can the ring be torn apart and made into a solitiare?

 

[Independent Gal]

Ooh. Tough one. But you definitely need to communicate this to him somehow since you won''t be able to keep it to yourself for your whole life if he gives it to you and you REALLY hate it. Have you two been talking about getting married? You know, having all teh serious convos about how you''d manage money, whether to have kids and when... etc? If so, next time you bring it up, you should just say ''hey, remember how you told me, waaaaaaay back when we started dating that there was a family ring? Well, I feel awful, but I''ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and the more I think about it, the more it feels really important to me to start a new tradition with a new ring.'' If he already told you a ring exists, then I think you''re out of the woods in the snoopy department.

But let that be an object lesson to you! (she said preachily) BTW, are you guys communicating well if you gathered intel without just asking? Or is this one of those ''it''s supposed to be a surprise'' snooping things... like checking in the secret present spot to see what you''re getting for xmas?

Count your blessings on one thing: sometimes guys think that because a ring is a family ring, they can do weird things like this: a guy I went out with a few times before M and I were exclusive told me he''d been engaged before but had broken it off. And he said ''Don''t worry! I got the ring back so I can give it to you someday!'' I''m like YUUUUCK! I don''t want a ring that his previous fi was wearing before he dumped her! That would totally creep me out. At least reset the diamond or something! Of course, I didn''t want HIM either, so the problem never actually came up.

 

[devotion]

I wish I could pull it apart but there is not a large enough diamond in it to do that to. It is more of an antique ring and not really and engagment on at that.
Does anyone know of any movie''s besides "the family stone" where a family ring is given. Maybe I can make him watch it and give me a chance to bring it up.

 

[KristyDarling]

I think it''s nice how considerate you''re being of his feelings. Let me ask you this: Have you actually had a sit-down serious talk about becoming engaged, getting married, spending the rest of your lives together, etc? Because that would be a great time to drop some hints. (Or, if you guys are planners/communicators, you could just give him a detailed description of what you''d like and make both your lives easier!) But based on your post, I''m guessing you and he are both expecting some type of surprise proposal, so during any talks about your long-term future together, you could flirtatiously say something like, "Well, if it should ever cross your mind to give me a ring, I would be thrilled and honored to receive something along the lines of XYZ." followed by kiss-kiss, wink-wink. Ya know, don''t make it seem like you''re TELLING him what to get you, but rather, gently giving him guidelines. He should know then not to give you that ugly family ring!

 

[dmbfan]

Some guys can''t take hints. you might need to be more direct. There are a few key questions above that need to be answered and that is what type of planning you guys have already had for the future. If you have talked about marriage, then putting your thoughts out there about a ring should not be a big deal. If the topic of marriage has not come up, then thats not a good idea.

I would find a ring discussion and "accidently" leave the page open for him to see. Point out some rings if you see anyone wearing one.

 

[Pandora II]

My suggestion:

Find a picture of a similar ring.

Set up fake hotmail account from "friend"

Send "Hooray I''m engaged" email to yourself with picture of similar ring attached.

Print out email - show to bf with comments "Oh my, what a horrible ring, what can I say to her about it, I don''t want to hurt her feelings but geez, her FI has no taste!"

That''s what I''d do anyway.

Personally I wouldn''t want a family stone or ring. Fine, turn an heirloom into a pendant or something, but I want my e-ring to be something made for me that I have chosen. I would have been really upset if I had to have someone elses ring. I would never give a jewel to my descendants saying that this had to be for an engagement.

I had an ex whose mother wanted to do that with her e-ring. Problem was it was a very small aquamarine with 2 cz''s set in 9ct yellow gold - I understand the sentiment behind it but ....

 

[ebonykawai]

Great suggestions here! I''m all for being open and honest. You don''t have to hurt his feelings, and being nicely honest is good for a relationship. It''s way better than trying to figure out the ''best'' way to breach a subject.

If he''s already told you about the family ring, bring it up. Lots of people pass jewelry down, but that doesn''t mean it has to be given as an engagement ring. Maybe it could be a RHR or something you pass on to your own daughter some day. Let him know that. Tell him that you feel an engagement ring should be something that just the two of you share. The family ring can stay in the family with honor, just not on your marriage hand.