Tubal Ligation

[packrat]

Anyone had it done or can anyone tell me about it? We decided several years ago we were done having kids, and our agreement before we even had kids was that he would get a vasectomy. I posted a few years ago asking about that procedure too. Aaaand here we are 7 years later, and it's not happened. I've been off bc since April and seeing as how I don't want any more babies, there's been no and will continue to be no activities that would result in such. It's been brought up many, many, many times, and there's always a reason why it needs to wait, but as soon as XYZ is done, or ABC happens, then he'll have it done...until the next set of letters pops up that prohibits it yet again.

SO. I'm just going to take care of things myself. How long of a recovery time will I be looking at? Is it a same day deal where you go home later?

 

[Tekate]

packrat, I had my tubes, cut, cauterized and tied after my second son as I had a Csect (2nd one).. I know women who's had the procedure not during a csect and it's same day surgery and they went thru the bellybutton.. I think the recovery from a vasectomy is a bit easier though.. some guys just don't want to do it.. I know TWO (TWO!) women who their tubes just tied, just in case and both became pregnant.. 3rd sons both of them.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My friend just had something done. It wasn't a traditional tubal ligation. I forgot what they called it but it was an outpatient procedure. She said she barely felt it. I think it was this: http://www.essure.com/

 

[packrat]

packrat, I had my tubes, cut, cauterized and tied after my second son as I had a Csect (2nd one).. I know women who's had the procedure not during a csect and it's same day surgery and they went thru the bellybutton.. I think the recovery from a vasectomy is a bit easier though.. some guys just don't want to do it.. I know TWO (TWO!) women who their tubes just tied, just in case and both became pregnant.. 3rd sons both of them.

I know two women also, who ended up pg after that! One had hers tied and one tho..I thought she told me she'd had hers cauterized or something..regardless, she still ended up w/another baby!

I'll ask about doing all three of those things...I like to err on the side of caution ha! We considered doing it when we had our son but there was just that one lingering thought of maaaaybe having one more, so just in case, we didn't. And, of course, we had our "master vasectomy plan". Then I started to work at the preschool and that totally wiped out any stray baby thoughts.

I had an umbilical hernia fixed, with mesh, so I'm not sure how that would work as far as going thru the belly button.

Tacori, I looked Essure up a few years ago and decided against it based on what I read.

 

[momhappy]

I'm sorry he's dragging his feet packrat.
This is one if those things that I would put my foot down for. When you compare the 2 procedures, it's really a no-brainer. Vasectomies are in-office and done within 30 min or less under local, he gets to return home and requires only about 48 hrs off work with some mild soreness. A tubal on the the other hand is done in a hospital/surgery center setting, takes an hour or more, is done under general, and may require an overnight stay. You would also need about 3-7 days off and would have to deal with significantly more pain than he would. Not to mention the cost - a vasectomy runs about $800-$1500 and a tubal can run you $5000-$8000 - although both are typically covered by insurance. I would consider a tubal, but only if it was done immediately following the birth of a child, where I was recovering anyways.

 

[Maria D]

^^^^^What she says.

Make him do it. I had to put my foot down with my DH after same kind of stalling. Some guys are just plain squeamish about it. It's the kind of silliness only someone who HASN'T GIVEN BIRTH can possibly indulge in. Seriously, I've had longer recoveries with periodontal work.

Instead of just not partaking in those "activities," maybe you should whisper in his ear all the naughty things you plan to do to him - once he's snipped.

 

[Jambalaya]

Momhappy, I totally get where you're coming from. It's much more fair that Packrat's husband has the surgery than she does, and in that situation I'd be sorely tempted to put my foot down too. But....is it really a good idea to strong-arm someone into surgery that they don't want? It's his body, his choice, you know? And if he really doesn't want it done, and he goes ahead to make Packrat happy, they might have a resentment issue afterward.

I had no idea that tubal surgery had such failure rates.

Packrat, are other options on the table? I don't know if this is a bit old-fashioned, but in the past I used a diaphragm covered in spermicide, and that's pretty effective. No one has to take hormones or have surgery. Since your description of no action since you came off bc, I'm thinking he's not OK with condoms. So maybe the diaphragm is an option. And then it's not so final, either.

 

[kenny]

SO. I'm just going to take care of things myself.

You're performing a vasectomy on your husband?

Is that even legal?

 

[packrat]

I've not set anything up yet, I'm just looking at it, getting the info I need for it. I would prefer not to do it, but at least if I decide to, I know what I'm getting myself into. I like to be prepared.

How reliable is a vasectomy? More than a tubal I'm guessing?

Other options are off the table, yeah. He doesn't like condoms, and I don't trust just them alone, so I'd still need to use a diaphragm or something. And after so many years of being the expected bc handler (excepting when I was on Accutane and when I got older and demanded a double tap of using a condom as well b/c I didn't want an oops), I'm over it and I'm done. I spent 5 years using Nuvaring and spending 2 weeks a month completely miserable w/migraines and nausea and such extreme exhaustion I could barely function-all the while asking/begging/wheedling/cajoling (and finally withholding) to get him to have it done, and it never happened.

I'd've thought a 6 month dry spell (and this isn't the first time by any means) would do the trick..buuuut..

Maria, I admit to being naughty a few times and then smiling and walking away.

 

[Matata]

I had a tubal as a 25th birthday present to myself. Told my 1st husband I didn't want children. He said he didn't but always held out hope. So I figured if it was important for him to have kids, he should, with someone else. This was 35 yrs ago. Had it done on a Friday and was back to work on Monday. If you're the one who doesn't want any more children, I think you're the one who should have the procedure.

 

[packrat]

SO. I'm just going to take care of things myself.

You're performing a vasectomy on your husband?

Is that even legal?

Ohhhh honey, at this point I don't even care.

And in some ways, I've already taken care of it I guess, just by default since there be no shenanigans allowed.

 

[packrat]

I had a tubal as a 25th birthday present to myself. Told my 1st husband I didn't want children. He said he didn't but always held out hope. So I figured if it was important for him to have kids, he should, with someone else. This was 35 yrs ago. Had it done on a Friday and was back to work on Monday. If you're the one who doesn't want any more children, I think you're the one who should have the procedure.

We both are done. He's 41 and I'm 41 in a month. Ours are almost 12 and 8.5. My lead teacher has a wee one now that I can love on. That's enough for me!

 

[TooPatient]

SO. I'm just going to take care of things myself.

You're performing a vasectomy on your husband?

Is that even legal?

They had a verbal contract. I say go for it!

 

[momhappy]

Momhappy, I totally get where you're coming from. It's much more fair that Packrat's husband has the surgery than she does, and in that situation I'd be sorely tempted to put my foot down too. But....is it really a good idea to strong-arm someone into surgery that they don't want? It's his body, his choice, you know? And if he really doesn't want it done, and he goes ahead to make Packrat happy, they might have a resentment issue afterward.

I had no idea that tubal surgery had such failure rates.

Packrat, are other options on the table? I don't know if this is a bit old-fashioned, but in the past I used a diaphragm covered in spermicide, and that's pretty effective. No one has to take hormones or have surgery. Since your description of no action since you came off bc, I'm thinking he's not OK with condoms. So maybe the diaphragm is an option. And then it's not so final, either.

Well, certainly no one can literally force someone to have surgery.... Is it fair to "strong-arm" him into a vasectomy? Um, no, but life is full of things that aren't fair. Carrying babies for 9 months and then giving birth to them isn't fair, but yet women do it all. the. time. Sure, his body/his choice, but if he initially agreed to it, then I'd hold him to it. And....as far as resentment is concerned....couldn't it also be entirely possible that if she has to get a tubal just to get things done, that she will have resentment against him? I know that I would. When you're in a relationship, you make decisions together and in this case, a decision should be made on the lesser of two evils.

 

[Jambalaya]

Momhappy - yes, resentment on her side is perfectly possible. It sounds as if neither of them currently really wants to have the surgery. So just rely on other contraceptives.

About life not being fair and it's not fair that we have the babies - man, I get it, I really do. A wife goes through pregnancy and birth, multiple times for many, and then he can't even get a vasectomy? Can we do the world's largest collective eyeroll?

It may not be fair, and he may have said he'll do it, but people do change their minds, on reflection. He's human. While I think it's selfish of him not to do it for her and their marriage, especially since she gave him his kids at physical cost to herself, I just feel nothing good can come of cajoling someone into something so personal that they don't really want to do. And it may be really unfair, but the fact is, he doesn't seem to want to do it. It's better to work with the way things are, than the way things should be, IMHO.

But that's another point. Does he really, seriously not want to do it, or does he just not realize how important it is to Packrat that he gets on with it? Is he genuinely just letting other things take over because it's one of those things that can always be put off, or does he actually have a real issue with it? If he realizes that it's very important to Packrat and still won't do it, then it'll have to be other contraceptives if she thinks surgery might either not work or might make her resentful.

Packrat, the situation must be very frustrating for you.

ETA: I've just seen your other responses above, Packrat, written while I was editing this. I'm sorry it's such a difficult situation and that other methods are no good. It's not fair. Hugs xxx

 

[packrat]

A few of the reasons have been sound, to a degree. Not before going to the police academy, for instance..I thought three weeks before was enough time, he didn't. It was to be an immediate thing after he was done at the academy..but yanno, it was stressful being back on the job again. Bow season, shotgun season, trapping, coyote season, turkey season, being short officers so he "can't" take time off. A couple times he was supposed to go to Defensive Tactics school and then something would happen and he couldn't go, so dang, I guess I coulda had it done...Now we've got a business at home so he's got conventions scattered thru the year on top of everything else.

The resentment's already there, honestly. I've spent a lot of money on dr visits and medicines that I shouldn't have had to take just to get to a point where I could manage to function on a day to day basis. Day after day of trying to work, take care of the kids, the house, the yard, the pets, *him*, all the while feeling like I'd rather be dead b/c I was so sick of feeling so horribly. He saw all that and acknowledged time and time again that he would get it done so I could go off the hormones and hopefully feel normal again. After that many years, and just saying screw it, I can't handle it anymore, I need some sort of relief for my body and my mind, I went off the hormones anyway. And I pointed out to him many times that we would still need to use bc for however many months afterward so to get it done while I was still using. He had a 12 month window at that point.

I know he doesn't want to get it done. Most guys aren't chomping at the bit for it. I'm just sick of taking care of *everything*. I'm not sure how much more of a line in the sand I can draw. And in some ways I feel like there should be *some* sort of responsibility taken by the other person.

Gah, I sound like an insolent child, stomping her foot and saying Hmph!

I'm pretty sure if I said "hey, I made an appt to get fixed next Monday" he'd not think a thing of it.

 

[TooPatient]

Can you just schedule it for him? Get it set up then tell him what days to take off?

Does he know how much it means to you? Specifically stated? I really want to do this but can't until you do that. I miss us doing this and really want to again after you do that. I feel like you are prioritizing hunting and other stuff over me and us.

 

[Matata]

His reasons for delaying can be anything from worrying about not being a "man" anymore to fearing fellow officers would find out and give him a hard time, to fearing the pain, to believing that it's the woman's responsibility. His reasons, lack thereof, reticence, your resentment at always taking care of everything pales in comparison to the potential for an unwanted pregnancy. Withholding sex seems as though it can only cause distance between you and more resentment. And it's a red flag to me that he's taking the lack of sex without a whimper. Are you sure his foot-dragging isn't symptomatic of something else?

 

[Jambalaya]

If six months without hasn't fixed his reluctance, then this is a man who really, really doesn't want to have a vasectomy, or at least not now. I hear Matata's point, but it's probably more of a power struggle. No sex for six months - who's going to blink first?

So you can have the surgery, or find alternative methods of contraception.

Packrat, I think it would be really bad for you to have the surgery, in terms of your feelings. You already feel you take on too much. This might be a step too far. For your own emotional health, I'd advise you not to do it. It's one thing to feel overworked and taken for granted, and another to feel that you and your needs just don't exist at all. As time goes on, afterward you might feel worse and worse about it.

If it were me, I'd use a non-hormonal method such as the afore-mentioned diaphragm, or strike a deal with him that you use condoms until menopause. At least with the diaphragm, there's no hormones, no surgery, and you are in control.

For the moment, at least, I'd get the diaphragm and shelve the issue. No sex for six months? End the madness! I'd work on becoming closer again, don't mention it for a while, and see what happens. I do feel that you're at an impasse, and your best bet right now is that no one has surgery and you just try to enjoy your relationship. I think that should come first at the moment and you can come back to this issue later. At least, that is what I would do. But I'm not you. Hugs xxx

 

[TooPatient]

I mentioned to DH and got an interesting look at a man's mind. (scary place on this topic!)

Keep in mind, my DH is a very intelligent guy with more medical classes taken than most people not in a medical field. He likes to stay up to date on medical advances, diseases, treatments, etc.

Imagine my shock when he said that the tubal ligations are not as bad as I described (hospital, time off work, general anesthesia) but vasectomies are far worse than they let on. Using a scalpel to cut around delicate nerves and stuff leads to high rates of incontenance, impotence, and worse. Actually close to 1 in 10.
He sees why your DH would be hesitant.

Um..... What!?!?
I can't find anything to support those statements. DH has not looked into it in 20 years (see ETA on "looked into"). There are new techniques.

DH suggests that you go together to a minimum of 2 doctors to discuss both procedures. He actually thinks 2 of each type, but at minimum 2. Discuss procedures in detail including possible side effects. Then discuss together which procedure is less risky.


ETA: He just clarified. By "looked into" he means was told by someone at some point. He can't remember who. He's never actually read anything on the procedure.

 

[missy]

packrat, I am so sorry you are dealing with this but I would hold firm. He is being pretty selfish here and certainly not putting you first. Tubal ligation is major surgery whereas a vasectomy is a simple procedure. If your dh refuses I still would not give in and condoms if used correctly are pretty foolproof. No major surgery for you for this please. Vasectomy or he needs to find another way without involving you taking meds or you having to use another form of birth control. It's his turn OK. I hope he realizes the error in his thinking here and sending hugs and good thoughts for a successful resolution very soon.

 

[momhappy]

I mentioned to DH and got an interesting look at a man's mind. (scary place on this topic!)

Keep in mind, my DH is a very intelligent guy with more medical classes taken than most people not in a medical field. He likes to stay up to date on medical advances, diseases, treatments, etc.

Imagine my shock when he said that the tubal ligations are not as bad as I described (hospital, time off work, general anesthesia) but vasectomies are far worse than they let on. Using a scalpel to cut around delicate nerves and stuff leads to high rates of incontenance, impotence, and worse. Actually close to 1 in 10.
He sees why your DH would be hesitant.

Um..... What!?!?
I can't find anything to support those statements. DH has not looked into it in 20 years (see ETA on "looked into"). There are new techniques.

DH suggests that you go together to a minimum of 2 doctors to discuss both procedures. He actually thinks 2 of each type, but at minimum 2. Discuss procedures in detail including possible side effects. Then discuss together which procedure is less risky.


ETA: He just clarified. By "looked into" he means was told by someone at some point. He can't remember who. He's never actually read anything on the procedure.

A no-scalpel vasectomy may be completed in less than 10 minutes, barely scoring the skin of the scrotum and complications a re quite rare, so yeah, I'd say that he's heard some misinformation somewhere along the way Although, in his defense, the procedures have changed a lot over the years.
I can most definitely sympathize with men in regards to vasectomies. It's a very sensitive area and I don't know a single man who wouldn't be nervous about having a procedure down there - no matter how minimal. That being said, women go through a h*ll of a lot when it comes to female stuff. Years of BC (some of which make us sick), annual exams, periods, mammograms, pregnancy, childbirth....sheesh. enough is enough. I really feel for you packrat and I do hope that you and your DH can come to some sort of understanding.

 

[packrat]

Thanks guys. I'm going to write down what is involved in each, such as anesthesia, recovery time, cost, etc and show him the differences. There are Dr's that do it in their office rather than the hospital so it would be a copay for his. My libido has plummeted over the last several years, so I really don't care on that front.

For every one person he talks to (and it's not like guys are at the coffee shop "so hey, I had a vasectomy this weekend") that had a no problem experience, there's 50 that are like OMG it's the worst thing ever don't do it. He was convinced I was going to have to wait on him hand and foot for days on end and I said no way sir. I was up and moving the day of all my surgeries, taking care of myself and the kids and the regular household chores so I am the least sympathetic person on the planet.

 

[azstonie]

Hey Packie, lot of good responses here. My thought is this : You had a good result from the hernia repair with mesh? Under no circumstances should you tinker with that very good luck. No way you have the ligation. Fer crap's sakes, you had the babies, its his turn to take one for The Team.

Or he's using condoms.

 

[Demon]

My husband was scared to get a vasectomy too. Kept "trying to work up the courage". I finally scheduled my tubal, and while we were in the doctor's office listening to all the things that could go wrong, then he was trying to talk me out of it, saying just give him a little more time. No. Had the tubal as an out-patient surgery on a Thursday and was back to work on Monday. The worst thing about it was getting out from under the general anesthesia. But now that so many things are done with propofol, that should be much less of a problem. I've never regretted doing it.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi Packrat,

I want to give you my support that it is your husband who should get the procedure, not you. I think it is excellent advise to have both of you go to a see a Dr. who performs the vasectomies. He may be able to calm his fears, because he is probably afraid. Let the Dr. explain things, then you can discuss it again.

My best to you,

Annette

 

[House Cat]

I had a tubal during a c-section. Honestly though, I would have had a tubal either way. Not because I am a pushover but because I like being in charge of my own birth control. Having a tubal ligation ensured that I will not have any more babies, period. For my own personal reasons, I wanted to be certain that I would never get pregnant again.

Then I learned that tubal ligations can fail and I had a few scares because my period was late, but thank goodness that was just stress or something!!

I know there are risks with general anesthesia and the surgery is more involved. I guess it boils down to why you want this more permanent form of birth control. If your reasons outweigh his fears, maybe you really should go ahead and have the procedure.

 

[lyra]

I didn't even ask my DH to get a vasectomy. I got my tubal at 35. It was an outpatient procedure. I was in pain for 2 days and that was it. I had a D&C at the same time for another reason, which probably added to the pain/discomfort. It wasn't a biggie. It was free here of course, so that didn't play a part in the decision.

 

[chemgirl]

Strange that he is hearing so many negative stories about it. Like every guy I work with and most of the husbands have had it. They all seemed to think it was easy and not a big deal at all. Yeah this was a break room conversation.

One guy had it done a few years ago and came back to work for the afternoon. That might have been a bit extreme, but he made it through the day with sweat pants and frozen peas.

Most people seem to get them in a doctor's office and there seems to be a local person who is the "good one" to go to.

Yeah everything comes with risks, but it's still less risky than you getting it done.

 

[diamondringlover]

I had one done about 15 years ago, it was done in a surgical facility (not a hospital) I think we were there a couple of hours after the surgery and the recovery wasn't too bad...I was already on disability for something else, but I remember has some mild discomfort but nothing too terrible..of course the pain meds help lol...I do remember I had to take it easy for a couple of days...but compared to my c-sections it was a walk in the park!