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Trying to help a friend but I''m no good at this

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tradergirl

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Hopefully some of you will comment.

My friend is a late 40s divorced lawyer. She's attractive for her age, quite attractive. No kids.

She signed up for one of those online dating sites and picked out a guy herself. He's one year older, never married.

He answered her inquiry and within one day, they're trading emails back and forth talking about sex. She showed me all of them. They're not explicit or anything but that kind of talk with someone you have not even met creeps me out. She does not dissuade it, but rather gives it right back and seems to be challenged to be the "one" this obvious commitmentphobic has never been able to "find." He is also atractive by the way.

I want to encourage her because she seems to want this one but I really don't know what to say. To me, that kind of intimate communication up front while you have just barely been introduced does not strike me as the foundation for anything enduring. I"ve been married for 23 years though so I may be out of touch. Is this the way things are done these days? Do people go from this kind of thing to anything real? I want to tell her to back off and let whatever it is develop naturally but haven't yet.
 

AmberGretchen

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I really think that this is such an individual thing, its tough to judge from the outside if you''re not one of the people involved. It does sound weird though, and I don''t think you''d be out of line to mention your concerns to her, just do it carefully and try not to be judgmental. To do this, I think you need to make it clear that you will support her whatever she decides to do moving forward, but also make it clear that you are concerned about her getting hurt and/or being in an unsafe situation, and that you would hate to see that happen to her.

Beyond that, I don''t think there is much you can do, I''d just make sure she takes the appropriate precautions as much as you are able to (at least suggest them) - meeting in crowded places only to begin with, etc...and just try to be supportive as best you can - if this is what she wants, I think you have to try to respect that.
 

decodelighted

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Date: 2/14/2009 5:59:32 PM
Author:tradergirl
seems to be challenged to be the ''one'' this obvious commitment phobic has never been able to ''find.''
This part worries me almost as much as the pre-meeting innuendo. How can she even really *know* if she likes him before she''s met him? So much is chemical etc. The fact that she already wants to "win" him sounds more like a project or competition than mutual courtship, yanno?

Over-the-top flirting like that may give the impression that a) she''s desperate or b) she''s easy. If that''s the impression she''s trying to give, or just wants a romp: go for it. If she wants to be taken seriously & get to know someone before clouding the issues with hormones ... I think she''s heading down the wrong path.

(I personally do have positive experiences w/online dating ... my last online date is my present husband ... but I also met a lot of wackos & cruisers & serial daters and generally strange dudes first. NEVER would have "gone there" with sexual talk before even MEETING a guy. Not the message I wanted to send period.)
 

platinumrock

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I think they are just flirting. That''s very common when people meet online and they get to know each other a little better (chatrooms, online dating services, Myspace, Facebook etc). Eventually, they will have to meet in person to see if there''s any genuine chemistry between them.

She will decide for herself if this guy is someone she can get involved with in real life.

The best you can do is listen and try to be supportive. Who knows?
 

tradergirl

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I feel so old and married. LOL. I would hate to be out in the dating world today and expected to interact like that. To me, it''s really as Deco Delighted said, indicating you are "easy" or "desperate".
 

canuk-gal

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HI:

Since when are men and women other than men and women?

I''ve also been married 23 years, but I doubt the rules of engagement have changed much. Perhaps when face to face there is less verbal sparring--because you have so much nonverbal that speaks volumes. This kind of flirting is so much more "in your face" b/c you see the written words, whereas in person it might be replaced by a look, or dance or touch....

cheers--Sharon
 

JulieN

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Date: 2/14/2009 5:59:32 PM
Author:tradergirl
seems to be challenged to be the ''one'' this obvious commitmentphobic has never been able to ''find.'' He is also atractive by the way.

You know the Britney Spears'' song "Womanizer?" This reminds me of the song.
 

diamondseeker2006

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Date: 2/14/2009 7:26:53 PM
Author: tradergirl
I feel so old and married. LOL. I would hate to be out in the dating world today and expected to interact like that. To me, it''s really as Deco Delighted said, indicating you are ''easy'' or ''desperate''.
Really! Sounds like they deserve each other. I''d be running the other way!
 

bee*

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I suppose it is different strokes for different folks. To me that would seem way too early to be discussing that, especially if they''ve never met. I''d personally be afraid that he thinks it''s just a booty call when they meet up. I don''t think that there''s too much you can do for her as she''s a grown woman-just be there for her her when she meets him and make sure that she stays safe.
 

HappyAnniversary

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Some women I know use on-line dating and any of the guys on-line that seemed a little creepy or suggestive in initial e-mails were double that in real life. There are a lot of guys out there that are just players. So it depends on what she is looking for. I''ve given my opinion (like watch out for that one) and it is on the money every time. Slime just oozes off those pics. Oh, and my friend can look to see who else he''s e-mailing and what he says to other girls on-line and they are playing the same game 5 times over with other women at the same time. Not my idea of a decent prospect for long term relationship! There was one guy who would never call her on the phone, just text all the time--I''m sure that was so his wife wouldn''t hear him.
 

purrfectpear

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Late 40''s, never married guy, big mistake. HUGE.

No, not because he''s gay or anything like that. He''s unmarried for a reason and it''s not just that he didn''t find "the one". He will be stuck in his ways. He is not great marriage material. Trust me on this, I know.


Tell her to find a retread that isn''t bitter. They are far more likely to understand marriage and compromise. The other guy will need training wheels for years.
 

strmrdr

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Sounds like she ran into a creep and very likely a predator.
This is a very dangerous situation and she should not meet this person in person or give contact information and break it off asap.
 

Lorelei

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Date: 2/15/2009 12:44:39 PM
Author: strmrdr
Sounds like she ran into a creep and very likely a predator.
This is a very dangerous situation and she should not meet this person in person or give contact information and break it off asap.
I agree.
 

bebe

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Hmm.

I have a female friend, funny, attractive, late 40''s, just divorced after 26 yrs., who used the online dating services to get back into the dating world. She met Mr. Perfect online and agreed to meet for a first date. (he was rich, attractive and very smart) Friend told me she spent much of the date imaging what their sexual encounter would be like that she missed half of what he said.
I am at a loss of words to describe how I felt about that revelation! Too much info.

Perhaps both of TraderGirl''s "players" were out to prove something to themself. Who knows, huh?
I do think communicating online provides one with a sense of hiding behind the screen, so maybe when
those two finally meet, they will act with a little more reserve. At least I hope so.
 

tradergirl

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Bebe, this is the part that kind of flummoxed me. Why is she trying to "win" this dude before she's even met him? I think that's it. She needs affirmation that she still "has it" and can still attract ones in her own age group (i.e. compete with younger women) for these "tough" guys. I think there was another woman involved in the divorce although I don't know the details. The guy just sounds like your garden variety commitmentphobic creep to me; I was more wondering about why a woman would act like that. I think you nailed it (DecoD also alluded to that). Thanks. This kind of stuff is so not my bag. Give me a stock cbart to read or calculus problem to solve, I'm good . . .
 

platinumrock

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Date: 2/15/2009 1:04:57 PM
Author: bebe
Hmm.

I have a female friend, funny, attractive, late 40''s, just divorced after 26 yrs., who used the online dating services to get back into the dating world. She met Mr. Perfect online and agreed to meet for a first date. (he was rich, attractive and very smart) Friend told me she spent much of the date imaging what their sexual encounter would be like that she missed half of what he said.
I am at a loss of words to describe how I felt about that revelation! Too much info.

Perhaps both of TraderGirl''s ''players'' were out to prove something to themself. Who knows, huh?
I do think communicating online provides one with a sense of hiding behind the screen, so maybe when
those two finally meet, they will act with a little more reserve. At least I hope so.
I agree. I think people feel less inhibited on the internet because they have the security of being anonymous. Also, when the novelty wears off and the other person starts exhibiting undesirable traits, it''s easy to block or ignore that person and step away from the computer. They never have to deal with that person again.

People can be whatever they want on the internet. Some even go as far as using someone else''s photo to impress potential dates. In the end, things get a little more serious. Expectations increase. And inevitably, they will have to meet in person. The more lies people start with, the harder it will be to take the courtship outside of the computer.

I think people are reading too much into this situation. They are both grown people in their late 40''s. It''s up to them to decide if they want a friendship, a fling or a serious relationship.

They still have to meet in person to see if there''s any real chemistry at all.
 

Italiahaircolor

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Apparently, he has one interest and one interest only...she may consider it a challange or whatever, but she''s basically telling him "I am that kind of girl".

I wouldn''t say anything more...unfortunately she''ll learn the hard way...if/when they meet, and they do "hook up" and she never hears from him again, hopefully she won''t be to upset.
 

MishB

Brilliant_Rock
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Player. He could well be married. One thing he isn''t looking for is a committed relationship. But she won''t take your advice, this is one lesson she''ll need to learn for herself.
 

tlh

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Well... I LIKE SEX, A LOT.
I find it HILARIOUS. If it weren''t such a funny subject, I''d probably talk about it less. I talk about it w/ people I have NO INTENTION of EVER being intimate with... well because it is funny... and I LOVE making people laugh.

That said, I have some friends fresh out of a divorce, and you know... they still want to do it. When they don''t have children (I have friends in both pools) they have a little more freedom. They can choose the total bad boy hottie, just to knock the dust off. When you are fresh out of ANY breakup, you want to feel DESIRABLE, ATTRACTIVE... if you find someone who is diggin'' your garden, flirting and SEX is natural. It may be a bit fast, but I''ve found the older you get, the less "waiting to get to know you better" seems as neccessary... and the more eager to get to the fun stuff the women AND MEN are.

Sounds like they are consenting adults. I''ve known women to love ''em and leave ''em. Heck, I even got a dude naked, about to do it, and I asked him if he needed any "help" to get excited... when he told me that was all there was... well I said I''d be wasting my time, so I got dressed and left him... yeah, I''m not the nicest girl... but it was SMALLLLLLLLLLLLLL. Such a shame too... he was MEGA HOT. But I have always been picky about who I''d be intimate with... and well... THAT wasn''t worth it. So my point is... it isn''t always the men that are evil and mean... sometimes the women can be pretty harsh too. If your girlfriend is a lawyer, she is smart... she''ll do what''s best for her. (She probably has a thicker skin too.)

On the flip side, I''ve known people who''ve just CLICKED from meeting on the net... and married and the whole sha-bang. I''ve also heard of some real creap-os. I''d just be there for her in a non-judging sense, and listen... no matter what the results.
 

tradergirl

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TLH, you owe me a new keyboard. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

We''re talking cocktail frank? All puns intended.
 

sba771

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I agree with people who posted that it is a mistake and there are huge redflags, but sadly she is a grown woman and has to learn from her mistakes. Being a good friend I think you will just be there for her no matter what. I am curious which dating site she signed up on because, in the online dating world, there are certain sites that everyone knows are really just sites for finding people to hook up with and there are others that are more serious. My guess is she knowingly signed up for the former. Maybe it is what she needs for now, but maybe you can try to direct her to Eharmony? I know SO many people who met on there and it screens pretty well so most of the time it is only people who actually take the dating/getting to know you thing seriously.

Also- I met my FI online and not on Eharmony and I will tell you there were SO many gross pervs out there and at first I did engage in some flirting but never to that extent and never in a million years would I have given my phone number to them let alone meet them.
 

LostSapphire

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Tradergirl:

(sorry for the threadjack)

I posted a few links and suggestions for your friend in my "Monster Slaying Party" thread.

HTH

LS
 

tlh

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Date: 2/16/2009 9:42:30 AM
Author: tradergirl
TLH, you owe me a new keyboard. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

We''re talking cocktail frank? All puns intended.
It was maybe half an inch longer than a tube of lipstick. I wasn''t impressed... he was GORGEOUS too. Such a shame. I never told anyone WHO had the world''s smallest Penis either. I just smiled as I told the story, and said, no, that is a gift I don''t want to deprive any woman of...

I mean he was a cocky football player, who was like mega hot.. think Jake Ryan hot from 16 candles... with the worlds smallest peenie.
 

canuk-gal

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Date: 2/16/2009 11:36:23 AM
Author: tlh

Date: 2/16/2009 9:42:30 AM
Author: tradergirl
TLH, you owe me a new keyboard. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

We''re talking cocktail frank? All puns intended.
It was maybe half an inch longer than a tube of lipstick. I wasn''t impressed... he was GORGEOUS too. Such a shame. I never told anyone WHO had the world''s smallest Penis either. I just smiled as I told the story, and said, no, that is a gift I don''t want to deprive any woman of...

I mean he was a cocky football player, who was like mega hot.. think Jake Ryan hot from 16 candles... with the worlds smallest peenie.
....no pun intended......


cheers--Sharon
 

tlh

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Date: 2/16/2009 11:42:33 AM
Author: canuk-gal

Date: 2/16/2009 11:36:23 AM
Author: tlh


Date: 2/16/2009 9:42:30 AM
Author: tradergirl
TLH, you owe me a new keyboard. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

We''re talking cocktail frank? All puns intended.
It was maybe half an inch longer than a tube of lipstick. I wasn''t impressed... he was GORGEOUS too. Such a shame. I never told anyone WHO had the world''s smallest Penis either. I just smiled as I told the story, and said, no, that is a gift I don''t want to deprive any woman of...

I mean he was a cocky football player, who was like mega hot.. think Jake Ryan hot from 16 candles... with the worlds smallest peenie.
....no pun intended......


cheers--Sharon
HAH! That was funny! I didn''t even mean that! Does make me wonder what he was so cocky about anyway. I mean sure looks are one thing, but beauty fades... small peenies last forever...
 

platinumrock

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Date: 2/16/2009 11:46:39 AM
Author: tlh




Date: 2/16/2009 11:42:33 AM
Author: canuk-gal





Date: 2/16/2009 11:36:23 AM
Author: tlh






Date: 2/16/2009 9:42:30 AM
Author: tradergirl
TLH, you owe me a new keyboard. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

We''re talking cocktail frank? All puns intended.
It was maybe half an inch longer than a tube of lipstick. I wasn''t impressed... he was GORGEOUS too. Such a shame. I never told anyone WHO had the world''s smallest Penis either. I just smiled as I told the story, and said, no, that is a gift I don''t want to deprive any woman of...

I mean he was a cocky football player, who was like mega hot.. think Jake Ryan hot from 16 candles... with the worlds smallest peenie.
....no pun intended......


cheers--Sharon
HAH! That was funny! I didn''t even mean that! Does make me wonder what he was so cocky about anyway. I mean sure looks are one thing, but beauty fades... small peenies last forever...
LMAO!!! That would be a hilarious signature! Your reference to "small peenies" and "cocky" made me think of Samatha Jones in SATC. One was too small, one was too big. She could never find one that was juuuust right.
 

Diamond*Dana

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For me it would be a bit awkward to have this sort of "relationship" so early on, especially since they have never met. I guess it is just one of those personal preference sort of things.
 
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