Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Too much pressure

MarlonN

MarlonN

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 14, 2016
Messages
47
I don't know if ladies truly appreciate the amount of pressure that a guy goes under in order to pull off the best proposal he can, and how they worry about being able to create a unique memory for their chosen one - but I'm hoping that in the future we'll see more ladies proposing instead. What do you feel about that?
 
It depends on the individual lady, of course! Some ladies love a romantic swoon-fest and MORE POWER TO THEM, and bless the partners who give them a big production. And let's be honest, some men do actually enjoy creating the big production! Then there are some ladies (like me! :wavey:) who have zero interest in a grand proposal.

I found out, after the fact, that my husband had initially planned a very grand proposal, that involved a series of clues that would start with a card left on my car after work and lead me home, then eventually to the spot of our first kiss, where he would be at the end of a candlelit path on bended knee. He actually got so worked up and nervous about it the night before he was going to propose that he couldn't sleep and ended up getting a terrible migraine the next day and didn't follow through.

After talking to me more and really listening to me he realized that MY perfect proposal was to simply be honestly and sincerely asked during a quiet moment between the two of us. He was putting pressure on himself to create floof and drama that really wasn't my thing. So a day or two later he just came up behind me in his kitchen and popped down on one knee.

I still have a box with all his clues and the candles and stuff. It's sweet, but I am so thankful he changed plans! :lol:
 
Reading through your post, I couldn't help recalling the one episode on Desperate Housewives (Don't say it, I know...) where Lynette's husband Tom tried to do that whole 'romantic' leaving clues and all that, and something went wrong and Lynette ended up stranded alone on a lonely road at night. I have to agree that sometimes simpler is better.
 
I like to watch elaborate proposals on TV/youtube or whatever but wouldn't particularly want one myself, especially if it involved being the centre of attention in public. Not my style at all. You know your lady though so trust your gut.

Regarding women proposing, I know a guy who was proposed to and secretly felt a bit cheated out of his moment - he never told his wife though. I know he intends to "propose" a renewal of their vows after 5 years of marriage.
 
My personal opinion is that by the time of the proposal, your SO should know you well enough to know if you put thought and effort into it or not. I've heard some horror stories of guys just proposing on the couch at home or even tossing the ring box at their SO after a fight as a guilt trip. I think its all about expressing your thoughtfulness and I agree with the other poster that I don't think most women want to be part of a flash mob or made to feel like a spectacle. It should be a special moment (obviously) between you two and bigger isn't ALWAYS better.

I don't like the idea of women proposing but I do still have some old school mentalities. I think it is a gesture in chivalry and a tradition I wouldn't want to see change.
 
I'm like @elizabethess, I'm sorry, I just don't get why the proposal has to be a huge drama and event. Why not just say "I love you and I want to marry you"? Surely it's the sentiment that matters and not some elaborate scheme to stage it? Maybe I'm just not romantic, but it didn't matter to me that we were sitting in the car talking, after a night out, when my husband told me he wanted to marry me. It didn't mean he loved me any less than if he'd concocted some elaborate scenario, the result was the same. We've been married 38 years now.
 
MarlonN said:
I don't know if ladies truly appreciate the amount of pressure that a guy goes under in order to pull off the best proposal he can, and how they worry about being able to create a unique memory for their chosen one - but I'm hoping that in the future we'll see more ladies proposing instead. What do you feel about that?
Click to expand...

This is an interesting perspective, because it implies that us women want something grand and unique. I think that if you were to take a poll you'd find that most of us want something sentimental more than grand.

My boyfriend and I had this discussion a few months ago when we started talking about designing my engagement ring. He was acting a little "off" and when I asked what was up he said he was just feeling nervous about planning the perfect proposal. So he put the pressure on himself; I didn't. I'm so glad we had that talk, because I was able to reassure him that grand, elaborate proposals weren't my thing and I was sure that if he just thought about us and what was special between us it would be wonderful. I told him it could be as simple as overlooking a beautiful spot that we rested at during a bike ride, or the top of a mountain we hiked, or simply holding each other while watching a sunset together. It doesn't take being serenaded by concert violinists while doves are released in the background... just pure, honest exchange of love and emotions. That'll get a girl every time.
 
I'm the kind of woman that appreciates the plan of grand romantic gestures and the execution of all of the details to honor his lady by expressing his love through creativity tailored to adoring her. Those make the best stories, imo.
 
"I've heard some horror stories of guys just proposing on the couch at home".....

That's a horror story? In my opinion, far from it.

My (now) husband did just that. We'd woken up late, cooked a late breakfast together, and spent a cold New England Sunday together cuddling and watching movies. Into the evening, he remarked what an awesome day we'd spent, how easy it was to be together, and how he wanted to spend the rest of his days that way.

I can tell you there was nothing horrific about it; I was touched that he was moved in the moment and decided to just say how he felt. I was not surprised he proposed, but very surprised he proposed then. We spent the next few weeks picking out the perfect ring together, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Grand gestures sound like winners, but I'd honestly rather have heartfelt sincerity that lasts a lifetime than worrying about a story for the sake of impressing others. Our story impresses me, and that's just fine by me. :-)
 
I'm with you, Aljdewey. Sounds like a perfect proposal to me. Bonus you got to pick out a ring together!
 
Interesting to hear a guy's perspective.
 
MarlonN said:
I don't know if ladies truly appreciate the amount of pressure that a guy goes under in order to pull off the best proposal he can, and how they worry about being able to create a unique memory for their chosen one - but I'm hoping that in the future we'll see more ladies proposing instead. What do you feel about that?
Click to expand...

First, who is pressuring you? If it's your intended, maybe that's a warning sign of other things in the future relationship that need to be addressed. If it's you, maybe give some thought to why you feel this way and why you feel that putting so much pressure on yourself is necessary. If you're influenced by social medial and TV, let that go. Real life isn't either of those things. Most women when asked will say that they hate the staged proposal and prefer something intimate and heartfelt (and expected).

Second, don't most people mutually agree to get married before the proposal anymore?

I would imagine that most reasonably mature couples would have talked about marriage long before the proposal stage and have decided whether or not to get married (to each other). I would hope that most have also talked about literally *everything* that would need to be talked about in order to be ready to get married. To my mind this includes the nitty gritty of things like the ring budget, whether or not to go into the marriage with it as debt, whether that money would be better served towards other marital items like a down payment on a house, how you plan to pay for the wedding, what kind of wedding you want to have, whether or not you want kids, what your views are on parenting and how to handle differences, how to handle in-laws and extended family - especially around how much you share about your relationship with them, how you handle conflict with them, and how you will structure major holidays, what you want out of life, how you plan to achieve that. If this is the case, I would imagine that the proposal itself is just a question of formality, and I'm not sure where the pressure is coming from. Maybe circle back to point 1. But this could also be a cultural thing, as these things are done differently in different parts of the world.

ETA: I have to admit that I see the big production proposals as a throwback to the 1950s where the men had all the power and the women did nothing but wait with baited breath...it just doesn't make sense to me. I've been married almost 20 years now, and we decided together, went ring shopping together (did the budget together too since we were living together at the time), had a nice dinner, went for a walk in our favourite park when the ring came in, and got engaged. I wouldn't change anything.
 
I'm sure there are women who love big grand proposals but I liked mine just the way it was. I had a timeline of the months when it would happen and I knew my ring was coming at a certain time but he and the jeweller still managed to surprise me with it coming early. After we picked it up we went to the park where we had our first date and he got down on one knee and proposed near a garden area. It was very simple but I loved it! I didn't feel like I needed it to be some grand surprise at all.

In fact there was one night before the proposal we went to dinner and there was a Mexican band performing that night and they came around the tables singing to people and I looked horrified at my boyfriend at the time and was like.. Did you bring us here on purpose?? They better not be coming over here so you can propose!!! He just laughed and told me no, that it was a coincidence but that the look on my face was halarious because I seriously thought he did it on purpose. But definitely not everybody wants some public proposal spectacle. If he had done something like that I would've been very upset. I don't even like telling the wait staff it's my birthday for free cake lol!
 
I don't think I would like my girl proposing to me. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I'm okay with some gender specific roles. I like to open doors for my girl, carry the heavy stuff, be the leader of the house, protect her, take care of the lawn, etc. It's not because my girl can't do that but because it's a sign of respect I want to show her.

A good proposal doesn't have to be a big production, but it should be thought out enough to create a memorable and meaningful moment -- and maybe even one you don't mind repeating, since most people will ask how it happened. I think that will vary widely based on the two personalities of the couple as we've already seen here. Really knowing each other and what is special to you two and staying true to all that is the best proposal.
 
in my case we didn't have a proposal since we eloped and i know other couples that had more of a discussion than a proposal, i don't feel i missed out and quite like the idea of deciding together. =)

there's an old thread on proposal stories and while the grand ones are fun to read my favorite was simple: someone's S/O slipped the ring on while she was asleep and when she woke up he said something like "good morning darling, i love you and want to marry you" *tears*
 
I always said if I proposed to someone I would pull the ring box out- tell them i want to marry them but if they don’t catch it then I rescind the offer and toss it high in the air.
 
valeria101 said:
Never knew why the dread - by the time you are asking, you do know the answer
Click to expand...

Valeria, that might be true for most but certainly not for all. When my now DH proposed he was not completely confident I would say yes as I had made it clear from the beginning (and we dated 4 years) that I did not want to ever get married. I didn’t think I would like being married and I loathe change and marriage was a scary big change but he hung in there. He mentioned marriage year 2 of our dating and I felt sick to my stomach at the mention of marriage and excused myself went to the bathroom (we were at the River Cafe for Valentine’s Day) and didn’t return for 20 minutes. He didn’t bring it up again till almost 2 years later.

So when he proposed (romantic and private no audience on a snowy afternnoon in the park) he truly didn’t know for sure. And I almost passed out as I didn’t see it coming. And I was not giddy with excitement either. I was nauseous. I really hate change. Lol. It all worked out for the best however and now being together almost 20years I can say with 100% clarity in hindsight it was the best thing I ever did. Hands down. Marrying my dh. The love of my life. Cannot believe I was unsure and waited so long.

Anyway that’s all to say people vary. And there’s no one size fits all. And I think often the simplest most heartfelt proposals without frills and hoopla can be the most romantic. I would have hated a big production and would have been mortified. Making it meaningful has little to do with external factors and everything to do with what you say and how you say it. I still get chills remembering how freaking sweet my DH’s proposal was. :kiss2:
 
MattP725 said:
I've heard some horror stories of guys just proposing on the couch at home or even tossing the ring box at their SO after a fight as a guilt trip.
Click to expand...
This almost happened :lol:

She was going on and on about it because I hadn't asked her, but I wanted to do it unprompted and unexpectedly, not because she'd been moaning on about it (again).

What would a person want from a proposal? To feel like they'd pushed their now-fiancé(e) into it during a moaning session and they might not actually want to do it? Or for them to do it unexpectedly and clearly off their own back because they really want to get married?

I sat on the diamond for a few months while working out what ring design to get made, and had it made a short while before we went away for a nice holiday at a secluded villa with amazing views. In the end it was just the two of us (and the resident dog! :D) by the side of the pool at sunset, her completely surprised and emotional (in a good way), but it was almost "You want a ring? Here's your ****ing ring, now shut up already!" a couple of weeks before... :lol:
 
I don’t think it’s the amplification of the proposal that matters, but rather the thought, and effort one puts into it to express their affection, and to make it memorable.
Every story is unique to the couple; even short & sweet. I know I’ll never forget my DH’s proposal, and I enjoy telling the story to others, every time. There was no grand spectacle, but it was beautiful, sentimental, and extremely unexpected. He was so emotionally involved, and that made it 1000 times better for me!
 
OoohShiny said:
This almost happened :lol:

but it was almost "You want a ring? Here's your ****ing ring, now shut up already!" a couple of weeks before... :lol:
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol-2:

Anyone that has spent any significant amount of time with a women, has been to this point rather it was an engagement or deciding where to go to dinner. I can operate under extreme conditions and make mega difficult decisions easier than picking dinner, or my latest gripe....finding a damn setting for a diamond. Enough to make you just want to :wall: sometimes.
 
I proposed to my ex-husband and regret it. I never got to experience the thrill of someone asking me. I know exactly how guys feel though, I was very nervous and actually backed out the first time. I had purchased him a watch and was going to propose with it. Instead I just gave him the watch as a gift and then proposed a few weeks while we were playing a board game at home in private.

If (and that's a BIG if) I get married again, it's not the proposal that matters to me. It's the sentiment - knowing that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me; growing old together while remaining best friends.
 
aljdewey said:
"I've heard some horror stories of guys just proposing on the couch at home".....

That's a horror story? In my opinion, far from it.

My (now) husband did just that. We'd woken up late, cooked a late breakfast together, and spent a cold New England Sunday together cuddling and watching movies. Into the evening, he remarked what an awesome day we'd spent, how easy it was to be together, and how he wanted to spend the rest of his days that way.

I can tell you there was nothing horrific about it; I was touched that he was moved in the moment and decided to just say how he felt. I was not surprised he proposed, but very surprised he proposed then. We spent the next few weeks picking out the perfect ring together, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Grand gestures sound like winners, but I'd honestly rather have heartfelt sincerity that lasts a lifetime than worrying about a story for the sake of impressing others. Our story impresses me, and that's just fine by me. :)
Click to expand...

My proposal was similar. After spending a great day and evening together celebrating our 5 month dating anniversary, my husband made a toast stating that he wanted us to have this much fun for the rest of our lives...and I said: "Is that a proposal, if it is, then the answer is yes!" the next day he told me it's ring-shopping day! That was 22 years ago, and the rest is history...we are celebrating 20 years of marriage this Sept.
 
Not engaged yet, but this is an interesting topic to me, so I’ll weigh in with my 2 cents :)

My partner and I plan on doing the proposal/marriage thing maybe sometime next year or the year after. So he definitely knows whenever he asks, I will say yes. We will pick out the ring together (probably splitting the cost to some degree) as I want full creative control over it.

However, he also knows that I want to be surprised by the proposal and I want him to put in a little effort (anything thoughtful or sentimental, just at home is also fine and lovely but I do want him to come up with anything that shows me how well he knows me, even if it’s something as simple as takeaway from the restaurant where we had our first date). I have nothing against the public spectacle or the dinner and champagne and roses proposal; but it’s absolutely not for me and I would honestly be a little disappointed (not enough to say no, but you know) if he did that because to me it’s tantamount to him saying he doesn’t know a thing about me. However, not having a proposal would disappoint me. I love to plan special birthday or anniversary treats and I love spoiling him, but this is one thing I want him to take the lead on.

I do have friends who didn’t have proposals (and I know while some of them are fine with it, a couple of them aren’t), and I have acquaintances/friends who had the super OTT public proposals (all of them definitely wanted them though) and for me the answer lies in the happy medium. Just the two of us, in private, either at home or somewhere with a great view (like at the end of a hike or something), and some reference to something sentimental and special to the both of us.
 
My guy was adamant that I was not allowed to propose. He said he’d throw the ring down (joking of course).

Prior to the engagement we both agreed neither of us wanted a public dramatic event.
 
I am so glad my husband did not propose to me in front of others. I far preferred a private, intimate moment just between the two of us to a public one. I'm sure we're all different but I would have really, really hated being put in the spotlight like that.

Also, whenever I see or hear about a public proposal, I always wonder if they had discussed it ahead of time. Otherwise, I think it puts unfair pressure on the askee to not say "no" if they wanted to.
 
Last edited:
Nice to read all of your sharings. It is just so heartwarming. I hope someday I will have one too.
 
My husband had a pretty grand proposal. It involved a helicopter ride (he's a helicopter pilot...I think he had to make sure I could deal with a helicopter ride...was it a test? :)), a trip to the Baltimore Aquarium (he popped the question on the dock) and a finishing surprise engagement party and dinner. I was really flattered he went to all that work to propose. He didn't need to do that at all. I had no expectations of a special anything. I think he did it because he wanted to. If I thought that he was unhappy and planning it because anyone else expected all of the activities and so on, it would have killed the joy of the day. Why would a woman want her man unhappy and stressed?

About asking a man to marry you (as a woman). I am sure there are women who have done that and it worked out fine. However, let me switch back into old lady/mother mode. Biology....biology....biology. If she has to ask, he was possibly not into her enough to go for it. If a man does not really want to be married, he might be an uncommitted, miserable husband. He might have issues committing...either way, not a particularly hopeful future.

Much better to just be a cat lady, if you ask me. :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top