Wedding Too close for comfort! (vent)

[CNOS128]

My fiance and I got engaged in May, and soon after set our wedding date for early June (a little more than a year later). My cousin proposed to his fiancee in October -- and now they are getting married 2 weeks before we are.

This wouldn''t really bother me SO much, except that both of us are getting married on the east coast and our family is mostly from the west coast -- so most likely, even though those relatives promised to be at my wedding, they will come for his and won''t be able to be here for mine. It''s especially important to me that my only remaining grandparent be at my wedding, and he promised he''d do everything he could to make it - but there''s no way he''s strong enough to either fly back & forth twice or stay here for 2 weeks (he probably won''t come for either wedding, now).

I feel guilty for resenting my cousin, but I''m just so annoyed and disappointed!
AND I knew this would happen (see my comment in Fiery''s thread) - plus, my aunt will now spend her spare time comparing every aspect of my wedding to every aspect of my cousin''s wedding.

I wish they''d scheduled their wedding at least a month apart from ours - this just seems to be too close!

No one else (my parents, fiance) seems to think this is a big deal... I suppose I should try to see their side of things.

 

[neatfreak]

Why do you think everyone who promised to be at your wedding will go to his instead? It seems to me that you are in a better position than most if everyone already knows your wedding date, no?

But it is annoying and not cool IMO considering that most of the relatives will need to fly in.

Have they announced their date yet? Could you talk to them and get them to switch it?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Personally I can''t see their side of things. Did you let them know your date as soon as you could? I know it is said that you only get one day but if your cousin knew everyone would have to travel cross country, that is really inconsiderate for them to pick that date. I would be really really upset.

 

[FrekeChild]

Have you sent out STDs yet?

 

[CNOS128]

Everyone knows my wedding date already, but they haven''t RSVPd (obviously). My aunt is a lot closer with most of the west coast family than my parents are, so it''s more likely they''ll want to see her and her family. Some people won''t want to choose, and won''t come at all.

We''re going to send out Save the Dates in the next couple weeks. But I don''t know how much of a difference that''ll make - my aunt is very persuasive and very competitive, and has definitely called the entire family to tell them about my cousin''s wedding (whereas, my parents are more laid back and only told close friends and family).

My cousin definitely knew our date before setting theirs - they are not willing to change it (not to mention the fact that my aunt wants her child to be the first in our generation to get married, so she gets her way this way!).

 

[sctsbride09]

I just wanted to send out some *hugs* because your situation for lack of a better word, sucks. I know exactly how you feel because my aunt has had competition between my cousin and I since BIRTH. Dont really know what else to say since I just dont talk to mine anymore

, but I hope your wedding turns out lovely, and remember you planned yours first so yours isnt about a "competition" its about love.

Good Luck!

 

[FrekeChild]

Can you change your date?

Your aunt sounds like one of mine. Mine is a BLEEP.

 

[Haven]

It is inconsiderate, but it sounds like what''s done is done.

Have you called your grandfather directly? I would start there. And the call isn''t an attempt to scoop your cousin, but a chance for you to ask your grandfather yourself what he''s planning, and to tell him how important it is that he be at your wedding.

Then I would focus on the fact that you are getting married, and that the people who will be there are the ones who love you so much that they wouldn''t miss it.

 

[CNOS128]

Thank you, neatfreak, smurfy, freke, sctsbride, and haven for your responses.

I''m still not happy about the situation, but obviously there''s nothing that can be done and I need to do my best get over it! It''s not a tragedy.



Also, when my fiance got home tonight he hugged me and told how much he loves me and that nobody else matters except the two of us, which is so very true (he hardly ever says just the right thing

but for some reason he hit the nail on the head tonight!) - and that we''ll go visit my grandfather if he doesn''t make it for the wedding.

 

[Haven]

Date: 11/3/2008 9:03:32 PM
Author: TheBigT
Also, when my fiance got home tonight he hugged me and told how much he loves me and that nobody else matters except the two of us, which is so very true (he hardly ever says just the right thing

but for some reason he hit the nail on the head tonight!) - and that we''ll go visit my grandfather if he doesn''t make it for the wedding.

Awwwww . . . so sweet.

I think you have the right attitude about it. Now you can focus on the happy bits about being engaged!

 

[kama_s]

That''s an awful situation to be stuck in - especially since there isn''t much you can do except for a slight nudge at their conscience. I just dont understand self-centered people like that...who dont give two hoots about how they would be hurting someone else in the process.

Take the high road, and go ahead with your wedding date. In the end, you know you''ll be the bigger person - karma always catches up...trust me. Plus, you''ll have your immediate family there and you''ll be marrying the love of your life...and you have all our well wishes

 

[kama_s]

Date: 11/3/2008 9:03:32 PM
Author: TheBigT
and that we''ll go visit my grandfather if he doesn''t make it for the wedding.

That is SUCH a wonderful idea! Maybe you can take wedding day clips and pictures to share as well.

 

[Morgie44]

I just dealt with this situation about 2 weeks ago. My thread . Like you, I was realy really upset about it at first and actually cried about it, but have since come to terms with it and it doesn''t really bother me anymore. If she had her heart set on a certain venue and church and a warm weather wedding, it is very possible that this is the only date that would work for them. It sucks, but, for me, it was more unreasonable to expect them to change their/her hopes or dreams for their wedding or push it back a year, just because you set your date first.

I think your situation with your grandpa is a bit different and makes it harder, but in the end, he did make a commitment to you, and they all knew your date first, so all you can do is hope for the best. I can''t see most people choosing his wedding over yours if they are all aware of the date first, unless they are closer to your cousin than to you. I would still send out some Save the Date''s ASAP though as a friendly reminder. This is what I am doing.

 

[Shoopy]

Honestly, I''d be a little annoyed and upset too

. I think considering you set your date first, then your family should make the effort to go to yours (at least I would if I were a guest). Have you sent out invites or STDs?

 

[CNOS128]

Morgie -

I remember reading your thread and thinking, "This is going to happen to me." I think I was going to comment but I didn''t want to for fear of jinxing myself!

I''m glad you''re feeling better about your situation. I agree, you can''t really ask someone to move their wedding date because it''s close to yours. I get caught up in the competition/comparison thing and that makes it harder, but it''s not like it''s a surprise - there''s a reason I''ve never like my cousin!

 

[pocahontas]

This whole situation sucks! I really don''t understand why people are so competitive and selfish

I’m sorry that you’re going through this ((((HUGS)))) Having said that I think you and FI have the right attitude so continue focusing on the positive - in the very near future you''re going to be marrying your best friend.

 

[Morgie44]

Please try to take the high road and don''t get caught up in being competitive (even if they are). I know I was leaning that way at first too. What I ended up doing was sending an email to my cousin saying wow that is really close to our date what happened to your first date. We ended up talking on the phone later in the week. He explained the scheduling conflicts they had between other weddings in the families and friends as well as the hall and church his FI wanted. I explained the worries I was having (similar to yours) about our wedding not being remembered or looking like we are doing the same thing as them and people not being able to come to ours/both. We ended up respecting and understanding the others'' situations a lot better and honestly, I felt like a brat for ever thinking anything bad about it.

The compromise we made is that we are going to choose to work around each other in terms of menu and colors and not use the same DJ/ Band. I think that these are the three things that kind of set the tone of the wedding and also the things that guests will remember. If you do different colors everything will have a completely different look. If you don''t care about specific menu choices, offer to let them choose their menu so that you can work around it, etc. People really aren''t going to remember all of the small things anyways. Just try to plan your wedding in a way that is personal and reflects you two as a couple, so that your love for each other will shine through. That cannot be competed with.

 

[CNOS128]

Thanks again for your support, kama, fiery, pocahontas, and morgie!

morgie, you''re very wise - if there''s nothing that can change the situation, there''s no point in being upset about it (that''ll just ruin the experience for me!).

Our weddings will no doubt be very different - ours is going to be no more 100 people, with pretty simple decor, in Manhattan. Theirs will be 250+ people, a big blowout, in the country (or the suburbs somewhere...).
I''m sure they won''t resemble each other in the least!!

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Man, seems like this has been happening a lot with people on here lately. I came close to this happening this past weekend actually - I''ve been engaged for a few weeks and have been waiting to get the ring and tell people in person the big news. I''d only told my parents. But this past weekend Mom and I were headed out of town for a family baby shower, where my aunt and 2 also unmarried cousins would be. Mom told me on the way that one of the cousin''s boyfriend was in town that day to ask her dad for his blessing to marry them. Now our family is nice and loving and all, but there has always been this "competitiveness" and sense of trying to overshadow me my whole life. I''ve come to terms with it and honestly don''t care - I just ignore the silly things they do and am confident with who I am. BUT I was not about to let her overshadow me with this one, because I knew she''d announce it to EVERYONE. SO, my plans changed a little, and as soon as I got to town, I told my grandparents first, then the rest of the family as we saw them. The ring still isn''t here yet, but it''s coming.

Anyway, I could just picture this very thing happening to me too, so I wanted to make sure my name was out there first. Luckily, she likes the fall and is planning for next October, while I''m planning for this coming spring/summer. But for a while, I was fretting. And, like you, my parents don''t just jump on the phone and spread the word like wildfire, whereas I knew my aunt would.

Just wanted to share my little story - like I said, seems like lots of people are starting to have this problem. But here''s a final nice thought for you - at least yours is the SECOND one, so it''ll be the one everyone remembers and has stuck in their mind! AND if you have any fun little surprises / cool wedding details / smart ideas, yours will be a secret, whereas theirs will be viewed first, including you, if you see anthing you like...

 

[redfaerythinker]

That really sucks. People are just mean sometimes. But your FI was right, it''s all about you and starting your new life together!

 

[Soon2BeMrsJo]

Date: 11/3/2008 5:03:52 PM
Author:TheBigT
My fiance and I got engaged in May, and soon after set our wedding date for early June (a little more than a year later). My cousin proposed to his fiancee in October -- and now they are getting married 2 weeks before we are.

This wouldn''t really bother me SO much, except that both of us are getting married on the east coast and our family is mostly from the west coast -- so most likely, even though those relatives promised to be at my wedding, they will come for his and won''t be able to be here for mine. It''s especially important to me that my only remaining grandparent be at my wedding, and he promised he''d do everything he could to make it - but there''s no way he''s strong enough to either fly back & forth twice or stay here for 2 weeks (he probably won''t come for either wedding, now).

I feel guilty for resenting my cousin, but I''m just so annoyed and disappointed!
AND I knew this would happen (see my comment in Fiery''s thread) - plus, my aunt will now spend her spare time comparing every aspect of my wedding to every aspect of my cousin''s wedding.

I wish they''d scheduled their wedding at least a month apart from ours - this just seems to be too close!

No one else (my parents, fiance) seems to think this is a big deal... I suppose I should try to see their side of things.

BigT, I am in the exact same situation! I''ve just decided to not let it get me down. My Grandmother has already said she wouldn''t miss it for the world and is very disappointed in my cousin for even thinking of doing that. Especially because we wouldn''t be able to come in for her wedding. It''s unfortunate, but the best thing to do is make sure you let him know where you''re coming from and maybe he will move it up or back so that your families can attend both weddings and there is no ill feelings! Good Luck and hope things work out for you!