Today''s Tykes: Secure kids, or rudest in history?

[TravelingGal]

From some of our discussions over the last few days, thought some of you would find this article timely.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30585984/

A quote:

Parents ''ferociously advocating''
“I see parents ferociously advocating for their children, responding with hostility to anyone they perceive as getting in the child''s way — from a person whose dog snuffles inquiringly at a baby in a carriage, to a teacher or coach whom they perceive is slighting their child, to a poor, hapless doctor who cannot cure the common cold,” says Gordon. “There is a feeling that anything interfering with their kid''s homeostasis, as they see it, is an inappropriate behavior to be fended off sharply.”

"Such defensiveness represents a radical departure from Gen X’s parental forebears, who, experts say, were more concerned about their children’s behavior toward others, rather than the other way around. But it also may highlight what makes many of today''s parents tick, as a group — specifically, how they themselves grew up. "

 

[KimberlyH]

From my perspective as an elementary school teacher, I think more children are rude to adults now than when I was a kid. This could be because I attended a parochial school (my class was "the bad class" on campus, and we were pretty awful at times, though). In the classroom children have more freedom. We were to sit face forward, feet on the floor, quiet, and focused. Kids are now given the opoprtunity to learn in a more cooperative environment (which isn''t a bad thing, given the correct setting) and have what seems to me, more freedom , to get up and use the restroom, get a drink, which creates a more relaxed environment, that in tun affects how students talk to and treat adults. Recently I filled in for a teacher at my school who had an emergency. One of the children in her class growled, yes, growled at me two days in a row when I requested he do what the class was. I had heard the child had some issues so I knew to expect this, but his behavior (and the things put into place to handle him) were so lax that it felt like I was giving him permission to be inappropriate. Mom checks in every day after school, and when she did there were no consequences for his actions, no apology required, just an "Oh, he doesn''t like change, it''s hard for him to have you here."

Outside of the school setting what I see is that society is more paranoid (parents don''t allow their kids to just go outisde and play anymore) and transient (in every place I''ve lived people move a lot, home towns are no longer filled with the same people who grew up there), and as a result children don''t make friends in the neighborhood like they used to, so they spend more time interacting with adults (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.), who then become their playmates and entertainment and the lines become blurred.

I also find children to be much less mature at each stage and age than I was when I was growing up, probably because of the responsibility that came along with my independence. Not sure if that factors into the rudeness, but children seem to grow up to fast in some ways (9 year olds idolizing Eminem and 50 cent) and not enough in others (mom or dad still walks their 5th grader to the classroom door every day).

 

[ksinger]

That the current crop of children is "younger" or more immature that 40 years ago, has been documented in a recent study of attention span and ability to stand still. So your observations are correct. (I''d have to dig for that one...I read it about 6 month ago?)

Here''s an excellent piece about this issue. It''s long, but good. I may have posted this link before I don''t recall. Still, I''m sure somebody might enjoy it this time too..

The Kindergarchy

 

[neatfreak]

Very timely. And very true I am afraid. I do wonder though if those of us who are starting to have kids now will turn the tables back and be more strict because it appalls us at how school age children are acting these days.

I know my DH and I are consistently amazed at how children and parents act now and are making a concerted effort to NOT be that way with our own kids.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 5/6/2009 7:37:09 PM
Author: neatfreak
Very timely. And very true I am afraid. I do wonder though if those of us who are starting to have kids now will turn the tables back and be more strict because it appalls us at how school age children are acting these days.

I know my DH and I are consistently amazed at how children and parents act now and are making a concerted effort to NOT be that way with our own kids.

Neat, I don't think it's ALL parents, I just think the parents that do chose this style of child rearing are more extreme. I think the economy (as tired as everyone is of hearing about it) is going to change the sense of entitlement that exists; that's my silver lining, anyways.

I think every generation believes they were raised better than the last, and in some cases that is true. I prefer the parenting style of my own parental unit and their peers than that which seems to be more common today (passive, less discipline, less differentiation between adult and child) but I don't think it's blanket, there are a lot of great parents out there, and a lot of crappy ones, the problem is they all think their way is best and right!

 

[HollyS]

Date: 5/6/2009 7:35:08 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady

Uck.. The kids of today have serious entitlement issues.. I see it and hear it all the time. NO you arent entitled to name brand clothes & cell phones, to staying out as late as you like, no you aren''t entitled to say or do what you want. What you are entitled to is food, shelter, clothes, an education and to learn some manners! I am SO IMPRESSED to observe parents teaching their children manners and for children to be using manners when parents are not in view!!!

You would not believe the numbers of runaway juvenile reports we have to take for teens who are po''ed at their parents for not getting everything they want and parents calling who are fed up with the children they have raised. You should hear how kids scream and hit their parents when they are calling because their kids are out of hand due to lack of parenting!

I have had to tell parents -depending on the situation- that the problem is a parenting issue, not a police issue.. we will not send officers to scold or scare their kids into submission on request, that''s not our job. And people wonder why police get a bad name? I can tell you the countless times I have heard...

''If you aren''t good, that police officer is going to take you away and put you in jail''.. please.. don''t tell your kids that, don''t use police to scare your kids...

The children of today? Definitely the rudest in history.

End of rant..

If they weren''t spoiled brats with entitilement issues prior to watching such nonsense as The Kardashians or My Sweet 16, they are afterwards.

Parents are not their childrens friends. And if they don''t respect you, and have a healthy fear of what you think and how you''ll react to their antics, then you''ve failed. Miserably. Creating a monster or a model citizen starts at birth, and begins at home.

 

[BeachRunner]

FI and I were at a self check out line and there was a mother with her 10-11 yr old daughter waiting behind us. We were almost done and we hear "hurry up, come on, beep beep, MOVE". This was coming from the child and mom said nothing. I think FI and I both lingered as long as we could, then addressed about how rude that girl was after we left the store.

 

[luckystar112]

DH and I had this conversation the other day. I have hope for this generation because it seems like a lot of the people of child-rearing age are hell bent on not having their kids turn out the way kids are today.

 

[icekid]

Date: 5/6/2009 8:42:54 PM
Author: luckystar112
DH and I had this conversation the other day. I have hope for this generation because it seems like a lot of the people of child-rearing age are hell bent on not having their kids turn out the way kids are today.

My hubby and I feel this way, for sure! I will not be raising rude, annoying, spoiled children. Kids (and parents!) these days are absolutely something else.

 

[fatafelice]

Date: 5/6/2009 8:59:22 PM
Author: icekid

Date: 5/6/2009 8:42:54 PM
Author: luckystar112
DH and I had this conversation the other day. I have hope for this generation because it seems like a lot of the people of child-rearing age are hell bent on not having their kids turn out the way kids are today.

My hubby and I feel this way, for sure! I will not be raising rude, annoying, spoiled children. Kids (and parents!) these days are absolutely something else.

I teach adolescents and I pray that this is true. I know that among my friends, we are all planning on being pretty strict, mostly because of the behavior that we see in children today. Every day, I marvel at how some of my students feel it is appropriate to speak to me and other teachers. I would have peed in my pants before I talked back to an adult at that age!

 

[fatafelice]

Also, some parents take the protection thing way too far. Recently, I called a parent to inform him that his son had brought me a suspicious (read: obviously forged) note from his mom. The father LIED to me and told me that he wrote it. I wasn''t even going to punish the kid for it, because I mistakenly thought that was his parents'' job, and that if I let them know, they would address the issue. My mistake. All I know is that I wouldn''t have left my room or used the phone for a solid month if I had forged a note from my parents!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 5/6/2009 7:29:21 PM
Author: ksinger
That the current crop of children is ''younger'' or more immature that 40 years ago, has been documented in a recent study of attention span and ability to stand still. So your observations are correct. (I''d have to dig for that one...I read it about 6 month ago?)

Here''s an excellent piece about this issue. It''s long, but good. I may have posted this link before I don''t recall. Still, I''m sure somebody might enjoy it this time too..

The Kindergarchy

Some thoughts/moments that ran through my head while reading the article:

My husband was raised by parents born in the teens/20s (he was a VERY late suprise) and he often talks about the freedom had starting at about age 6. I had a lot of freedom as well (given to me by parents born in the mid-late 50s) but not nearly as much as he did. His childhood is quite similar to that of the author.

Whenever my family gets together (parents, sister, BIL, 3 year old nephew, my husband and myself) if my nephew is present all conversation and activity revolves around him. My mother cares for him frequently, much moreso than the average grandparent, but is still incapable of holding a phone conversation when he is in the room, she allows him to interrupt, can''t focus on our conversation, etc. It''s amazing to me that the same woman who raised me responds as she does to him.

As a teacher I waiver back and forth between stunned and impressed at the work counselors do. The school I work at is classified Title I, and many of the students do need the counseling provided. On the other hand I''ll never forget when I was substituting and a 5th grader was giving me hell. I kicked him out of class (sent him next door to a predetermined teacher as he was known to be troublesome so the teacher I was covering for had put this into place and left me notes accordingly) for being disrespectful. When the counselor came by to check on me and asked what happened I explained the situation and she informed me "K (I still remember his name 2 years later!) needs to feel empowered! You should have come to me." and stormed off. Um, empowered? The kid was throwing things in class and rolled his eyes at me and told me I couldn''t boss him around when I told him he needed to stop. How about the kid needs to be put in his place?

The frightening thing to me is how companies are making adjustments to the new generation of college graduates to accomodate their very needy ways. Society as a whole will suffer greatly if this trend continues.

 

[Burk]

Another teacher here who is quite frequently appalled at the way many of my students behave, the clothing they wear, the things they say, their lack of pride in work, the list goes on. There are a lot of great kids, but unfortunately there are twice as many who fall under that "what are his/her parents doing" category. Sad. My child will be raised to respect adults and use manners!

 

[TravelingGal]

Thanks for the link ksinger, interesting article!

So, we all agree - none of us will be raising brats. Then who is raising them?

I gotta wonder sometimes, as I don''t think parents with brats think that have brats. Most of them anyway. No one has kids thinking they want to raise brats.

I''m only a 1 year parent. I hear it just gets tougher, and that gives me nightmares sometimes. This is why I truly believe that it is in the child''s best interest to have two active parents IN the home (mom dad, dad dad, mom mom, whatever). Why? Because parenting is EXHAUSTING. I think you need the tag teaming for days you just can''t deal with it anymore and the other one steps in. And even TWO parents is no guarantee, because sometimes both can''t hack it. From what I can see with parents I know who are doing a good job raising brats, they just end up trying to sooth an tanty throwing toddler by giving into to what he wants just because they are so tired.

I don''t think there is such a thing as too strict, as long as it is balanced with plenty of love. But I only speak from my own upbringing...I guess I''ll have to find out if that is true from a parenting perspective.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I am aghast at the way I see a lot of children behaving out in public nowadays and I'm not talking about the kids will be kids kind of things..I'm talking about the outright rudeness, swearing, etc. One thing that drives me nuts for example (and I am sorry if this offends anyone): kids running around/sliding around on roller skate shoes that constantly almost run into me or skate in front of me so I have to stop so I won't run into them! I don't want them to get hurt, and it drives me nuts having to watch out for them skating around. We're talking about even in a store..skating around..on their shoes..in a store. You can't take a freaking skateboard in a store, so why can you use roller skate shoes? Because the parents don't even care. This is just one example...another is I went to The Melting Pot recently and the bartender was telling us that he had a couple come in with a small child at one of the tables and they proceeded to allow the child to play with the food at every meal by the time it go to the chocolate he they let him pull as much chocolate as he wanted out and spread it alllll over the table so much that he began to draw faces, etc. And of course the server had to clean that up. One last restaurant example: P.F. Chang's great wall of chocolate is HUGE in case you haven't had it, it is meant for like 4-5 people. The manager told us he has had people come in and order their 10 year old one and let them eat it at 9:00 at night..the WHOLE thing. Wow, talk about unhealthy! Argh. I agree with everyone else here..I will not be raising my kids this way..no parent is perfect and I understand that as much as I can, but I really think there seems to be a lot of room for improvement in parenting skills these days especially when it comes to engaging children and teaching them common decency along with not giving them EVERYTHING they want all the darn time.

ETA: I hope I don't sound unsympathetic/not understanding...I believe parenting is a seriously hard job (hardest in the world probably). It's just very frustrating when people do not even try sometimes to raise their children to have common decency toward other human beings...

 

[Pandora II]

Sometimes I wonder how much is parents and how much is due to ''social norms'' in an age group.

I say this as one of 4 kids - I''m the eldest at nearly 37, next sister is 35, brother is nearly 33 and my youngest sister ''C'' is 23. Same parents, but 14 year age gap.

''C'' has a huge sense of entitlement, can''t cope with jobs because she doesn''t want to do the ''boring'' bits (and doesn''t believe me when I say that ALL jobs have boring bits), still expects my parents to pick up the tab for her, and is generally rude and a PITA. She has been like this for as long as I can remember and so are most of her friends. They all had designer clothes and cell phones early on and a lot more spending money given to them.

When I was growing up, my parents expected me to have holiday jobs if I wanted extra pocket money, I got my first TV at 24 and bought my own cell-phone at 26. My parents NEVER bailed me out if I ended up in debt and I was expected to behave in a certain way.

I asked my parents why they treat C so differently (as I can''t see it''s very healthy) and basically it came down to guilt. They felt bad that her friends had designer clothes and cell-phones so they bought them for her, they felt sorry for her that if she worked in the evenings she missed out on a social life so they gave her money instead of expecting her to work for it. They worried she would be evicted if she didn''t pay her rent so they paid off her overdraft etc That when I was her age they were paying for a household of 4 kids, now it was just her so it was easier to just give her money or whatever she wanted...

I had too much pride to tell my parents if I screwed up, but C''s generation just seem to feel that they are blameless and expect to be bailed out.

Teachers no longer have any powers to discipline - I was the last generation of children in the UK where corporal punishment was allowed in schools. I got beaten quite regularly and I would never have dared to tell my parents (I was likely to be punished by them for whatever it was as well!). Parents Evenings at school involved the teachers and parents discussing how to improve grades and behaviour as a team - now friends who are teachers tell me they are often too scared to criticise the child as the parents get aggressive and defensive rather than trying to tackle problems.

And yet despite the ''hands off'' techniques, kids in London schools seem to regularly stab each other, take guns to school and are generally unpleasant. In the whole time I have been pregnant I have ALWAYS been given a seat on the bus or tube except once - the bus was full of school children and despite being 36 weeks and so obviously pregnant, not one of them offered me a seat. The only other time I was on the bus when it was full of school children, some tiny little chinese boy gave me his seat - his classmates then proceeded to jeer at him for his behaviour!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 5/7/2009 8:13:24 AM
Author: Pandora II
I asked my parents why they treat C so differently (as I can''t see it''s very healthy) and basically it came down to guilt. They felt bad that her friends had designer clothes and cell-phones so they bought them for her, they felt sorry for her that if she worked in the evenings she missed out on a social life so they gave her money instead of expecting her to work for it. They worried she would be evicted if she didn''t pay her rent so they paid off her overdraft etc That when I was her age they were paying for a household of 4 kids, now it was just her so it was easier to just give her money or whatever she wanted...

Parenting out of guilt seems to be much more common now than when I and my husband (who were raised during and by different generations) were children. Guilt for not having enough time, guilt over divorce, etc. It''s the worst motivator, and so often the most detrimental.

 

[Burk]

Date: 5/6/2009 11:26:54 PM
Author: TravelingGal

So, we all agree - none of us will be raising brats. Then who is raising them?

I gotta wonder sometimes, as I don''t think parents with brats think that have brats. Most of them anyway. No one has kids thinking they want to raise brats.

My nephew is a "handful" and my BIL and SIL know it. They just don''t do a whole lot about it. I guess he''s very well mannered at preschool but at home he''s a terror. I think sometimes the problem is parents bringing children into this world before even thinking about how they''re going to raise them. Not a whole lot of my friends read books on parenting and sleep like I did or scour the internet for parenting answers or even discuss with their partner what their parenting philosophy is!! I just don''t think most people take the job seriously enough. Just my opinion, though.

 

[Aloros]

I think it gets tough as kids get a little older too. Parents have less influence on them, and rather, it is their peers that hold sway.

We are constantly having to check my stepson on how he speaks to adults or on the things he is able to do. It''s hard when it''s constantly "But so-and-so''s parents let him/her do this. You''re the only parents that do xyz." Add to that, the SCHOOL NURSE argued with us over him making his own sandwich for lunch. He''s 11! He can put a sandwich together!

Or when you have to say "Don''t say that, that''s rude," and the other person says "Oh, it''s ooookaaaaay" and then you get the kid looking at you and saying later "See, SO-AND-SO says it''s ok". He''s a good kid, very smart, and he''s learning every day, but it IS a struggle.

It is tough going when other parents look at you askew as not doing your job or being too hard just because you are trying to teach your kid independence, life skills, and some manners.

 

[VegasAngel]

I do the best I can with my daughter & that''s all I can do. She is polite, helpful etc.. I''ve been getting a lot of comments about her speaking like an adult, that is good I don''t speak to her like a baby.

She is three though so who knows what will come up. She is very stubborn/strongwilled/independent so we do have some battles & I''m sure more are on the way.

She better not cuss or tell a teacher off or any adult she''ll regret it, I won''t put up with that. I was a good kid so I expect the same from her.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 5/6/2009 11:26:54 PM
Author: TravelingGal
So, we all agree - none of us will be raising brats. Then who is raising them? I gotta wonder sometimes, as I don''t think parents with brats think that have brats. Most of them anyway. No one has kids thinking they want to raise brats.

I wonder the same thing!

I''m sure everyone thinks that they are the "good" parent, and that''s what makes it so confusing. I plan on raising our kids the same way I was raised. I think I turned out pretty good.

Here is an email I got recently:

"First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn''t get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren''t overweight because..

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo''s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........

WE HAD FRIENDS AND WE WENT OUTSIDE AND FOUND THEM!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend''s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn''t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned...

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! AND YOU ARE ONE OF THEM!

CONGRATULATIONS!"


Obviously I don''t condone the beginning of the email re: mothers smoking or drinking while pregnant and the other questionable stuff. But I think the overall message is a good one: We''ve become too uptight We''ve forgotten that kids are NOT mini-adults that should be allowed to stay up all night or run barefoot through a restaurant. Nor are they "precious snowflakes" that need to be "empowered". It''s our responsibility to ensure that they can make it in society, which includes allowing them to learn from mistakes. When I''m a parent I know that I will be strict regarding their behavior in school and in public. They will hold my hand and walk WITH ME through a store. They will have a bedtime. They will play outside. They will say please and thank you.

At the same time, I''m not going to censor them. For example, right now there is a HUGE fuss about that "Baby Got Back" Burger King commercial that has the girls with square butts. Some parents are FREAKING about the message that this commercial sends to young girls and boys about body image. I''d say the original video back in 1991-2 was more objectionable, and yet in my young age (9) I never once harbored negative feelings about my body after watching it. My friends and I thought the song/video was funny because it was about big butts. Period.
In fact, the stuff I saw on TV in the late 80s/early 90s would never be allowed now. How about when Beetlejuice says "Nice F*?!en Model!" in the movie? Or in the Goonies when they break Mikey''s mom''s statue of the David and try to put the penis back on? Or all the times they say sh!t in that movie? Or in the movie "Little Monsters" (Fred Savage) where the monster pees in an applejuice bottle to give to a bully at school. Stuff like that would NEVER be allowed now. I''m not saying kids are gaining or losing anything by not seeing that stuff, just that I think parents need to lighten up.

Sorry for the long rant!

 

[mia1181]

Okay so these threads always make me a little uncomfortable. Maybe it is because I am from a "younger" generation (I''m 27, Gen Y?) and sometimes it feels like people saying "oh these kids these days with their music, and fashions, it was never like that when I was a kid..."

Having only lived my lifetime, I really don''t know if kids are worse today than previous generations. But as a nanny, yes I do see a lot of very spoiled, coddled children. Of course I work for and know families with young children and the parents are in their late 30''s-early 40''s. And I see them spoil their children despite how they were raised. I am younger than they are and I am MUCH stricter in my caregiving style. One interesting thing is that my mother is only 46 so very close to the age of the parents I know.

I think a lot of parents today are not thinking about long term when raising their children. The reason you have a child is not to have someone to love you, it''s to create a functioning independent adult. From the very beginning, you need to be working toward that goal. You need to try and think about every decision and how it will help/hinder reaching that goal. So when little Jimmy as a toddler hits mommy, yes you need to be thinking "how will my response to this action help/hurt his chances at becoming a happy, functioning member of society?" If you laugh, you are teaching him "Oh Jimmy you are so funny, you can treat people how ever you want and they will still love you!" If you scream at him or hit him back you teach him "Jimmy we have to make sure we get back at people when we don''t like what they do, and violence is a perfectly acceptable way to resolve things." But if you put him down, calmly, but firmly saying "Jimmy we don''t hit" or "Jimmy I don''t want to hold you if you hit me," then you are teaching him that it is unacceptable and that people will not want to be around you if you treat them poorly. So I am rambling, but I think a lot of parents today just react to situations like this and don''t think about how their responses are shaping the kind of person their child will be.

I see the need to buy a child''s love as the biggest problem with parenting today. It is crazy. Some parents feel guilty about working, so the last thing they want to do is have to deal with a tantrum when they get home. But by trying to avoid conflict, these are the parents who are dealing with tantrums on a regular basis, because the child has all the power and they use their tantrums to control the parent. My charges always throw more fits for their parents. They don''t even waste their time with me, because they know it doesn''t work.

I definitely chuckle at Tgal''s comment about none of us are raising brats. No one thinks they are a bad parent, and most people are really trying. I hope people start getting it together for society''s sake. It pains me to see how many "bratty" children are out there because it''s not the child''s fault. It''s hard to find a nice playdate for my well-mannered charge. Not that I want to protect her from different kinds of people, but sometimes I don''t want to deal with it.

 

[mia1181]

luckystar- good points on censorship! I am a bit torn on how I will raise my kids when it comes to pop culture. I love me some hip-hop music and despite a lot of the garbage lyrics, I do see it as art and so I can appreciate it. But do I want my kids listening or singing along to what I listen to? Hmmm.... tricky. Probably not. But then again I was singing along to "I want your sex" Michael George and a ton of very similar songs in the 80''s. Your so right about 80''s movies too. DH and I were just watching Problem Child and I couldn''t believe some of the stuff we watched as kids. I hate saying "well I turned out fine" but it was interesting how my parents exposed us to a lot of things and we still had good morals. My kids will be pretty sheltered though because I think it does help with manners. Of the kids I know, the ones that are exposed to violence and sex are more likely to say crude things and swear. I just don''t want my children spewing out comments like that on a regular basis.

 

[movie zombie]

my vote: rude.

Holly said it for me: re parenting is not a friendship.

mz

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 5/7/2009 11:20:55 AM
Author: Aloros
I think it gets tough as kids get a little older too. Parents have less influence on them, and rather, it is their peers that hold sway.

We are constantly having to check my stepson on how he speaks to adults or on the things he is able to do. It''s hard when it''s constantly ''But so-and-so''s parents let him/her do this. You''re the only parents that do xyz.'' Add to that, the SCHOOL NURSE argued with us over him making his own sandwich for lunch. He''s 11! He can put a sandwich together!

Or when you have to say ''Don''t say that, that''s rude,'' and the other person says ''Oh, it''s ooookaaaaay'' and then you get the kid looking at you and saying later ''See, SO-AND-SO says it''s ok''. He''s a good kid, very smart, and he''s learning every day, but it IS a struggle.

It is tough going when other parents look at you askew as not doing your job or being too hard just because you are trying to teach your kid independence, life skills, and some manners.

Hey, my parents had to deal with that when they were raising me to be proper in the ''60''s. It''s an age old issue.

My mom''s response to the first one was "I''m not so-and-so''s parents, I''m YOUR parent, and what I say goes!!!".

Her response to the second one was "Thank you, but NO...it''s NOT ok. My child is being brought up to respect her elders (or brought up to be mannerly, etc.)"

I''m not saying I didn''t

plenty at my parents, but the underlying message was still being received. They had certain expectations of me regarding manners and they weren''t predicated upon what everyone else thought was OK.

In hindsight, I realized they were right and passed the same darn manners down to my kid

 

[Mara]

ha ha i read this article this morning and immediately thought of the discussions here about 'kids today' and parenting from the last few weeks:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090507/ap_on_re_us/us_fed_up_mom

Not sure if anyone else has posted it (I didn't see any specific threads).

i love the last line when they say that it had to be sooooo frightening for the kids to be left by the Mom. hello the kids are 12 and 10. not toddlers. i am not sure where the kids were left off but at that age, they should know how to get home, especially together!

at 10 years old i was out riding my bike to the library and gone for hours at a time. no cell phones. of course my mom knew where to find me. again i know it's not the same times, but reading articles like this makes me just go

at how parents trying to teach their kids whatever they feel is appropriate is considered so wrong and potentially 'child endangerment' vs when we were growing up.

once my mom put me outside the house when i threatened to run away one too many times. i was 6 and she left me out there for 2 hours in the dark (she watched me secretly through another window). after that i NEVER said anything about running away ever again.

 

[purrfectpear]

I''ve threatened worse.

Once my son age 9 decided that we needed a better standard of living than I was providing. Mind you, I had purchased a 3 bedroom home on the golf course of the country club. His clothes were from Macy''s and had just given him a $500 Trek bike. In other words, he already HAD a substantially higher standard of living than the "average" kid in town.

So rather than argue about it, since he clearly didn''t think mom was doing enough, I packed him in the back seat of my car and drove him to the ghetto. I pulled over and told him to get out. He looked at me with panic in his eyes. I said I wasn''t kidding and if he didn''t think he had it good...he needed to experience a little reality until he could appreciate the difference.

He apologized and we didn''t have any more discussions about how deprived he was.

Mom was just "keepin it real".

 

[luckystar112]

I can''t believe that link, Mara.

My mom never drove me to the ghetto (there really is no such thing in Maine

), but she DID print out a bunch of literature on homeless shelters and tell me to "pick one". Then she drove me there. I never got out of the car, but boy did I get the hint.

 

[purrfectpear]

Wichita didn''t exactly have a ghetto either, but it was a very economically depressed neighborhood.

 

[Ara Ann]

When my youngest son was about 8 or 9, he played with one of our neighbor boys....this boy had picked up his ''arrogant'' father''s attitude toward others and showed it often in how he played. He wanted everything his way and if he wasn''t happy with how my son wanted to play, he''d come to me to ''tattle'' on him...all it came down to was that he wanted HIS way...but the HUGE and RUDE thing this kid did to ME was his snotty reply to anything I instructed the boys to do or not do...his answer was always, "I know" - if he did know, or not. He could have replied with an "alright" - or "OK Mrs. H." - but It was ALWAYS, "I know"...which drove me NUTS! My son started to pick that up from him, as a matter of habit, but I always set my son straight and told him to reply with "OK mom" - or "I understand" and not "I know" - it sounds SO arrogant and snotty for a kid to reply to an adult with that!

And I agree about all of the parenting stuff...but as kids get older, their peers and friends do end up having more influence on them in many ways. So far so good with our sons, we get compliments on their behavior...especially our youngest son, we hear from his teachers all the time, what a good kid he is and is a pleasure to have as a student. But a lot of that has to do with his basic personality too, he''s an easy going kid...some kids are more defiant than others and if parents feed into that, then they create a monster.