Tips for asking her parents/father's blessing?

[jmarshall]

I find it upsetting that this very in-love, very excited man comes to our boards and asks for tips, but instead gets his intentions called sexist and is discouraged from doing what he has been dreaming of doing.

Not that big of a deal. I'm a big boy, and used to taking crap. I asked for opinions, that is exactly what I am getting.

I do think she would be very happy to know how much thought you put into every facet of this proposal.

I don't think she would expect any less. I am a quick thinker, and good at making decisions on my feet, but if I have the opportunity to research and plan something, I research and plan like no other.

Circe, I'd go further than peeved. Honestly, I would have to decline any proposal of a life together where I wasn't the first person to hear, or at least to be asked about it.

So what about a situation where your SO had consulted with you about marriage in the past, and that you had both agreed that that is what you wanted.... but you weren't the first to know of the actual proposal?????

Well, I personally wouldn't be thrilled, to be honest. It just isn't something that I'd be comfortable with. I'm a control freak, and I like to be right at the very centre of my own life, with no surprises along the way. I wouldn't be pleased to know that any aspect of this very significant decision was discussed when I wasn't there. (Not at all important, since I'm not the one you're hoping to marry, but just my immediate response to your question, without over-thinking it.)

If you are confident that your intended is going to be ok with this, and welcome it, no worries. If you aren't absolutely certain, or hadn't thought it could even be an issue, maybe some discrete digging around first would be a good idea. I hope it goes well, if you decide to do it - If I was doing this, I think I'd probably ask both parents, since you said they are close. I'd guess her father will speak to his wife, so she'll hear about it anyway - if you're worried about a slip, then maybe best you tell them both, and swear them both to absolute secrecy. Good luck!

We've discussed it, It's not a requirement for her, but not a turn off either... You just made me curious.

And to everyone, please quit your childish **edited by moderator. please use family friendly language and simply report issues to the moderator** and arguing on my post. NOT appreciative.

 

[Jennifer W]

Sure, I am curious about other views on stuff like this too, because I only really 'get' my own perspective. (I'm entirely egocentric...) If she's not going to be rubbed the wrong way, then do it, and enjoy the moment! I really would ask them both though. If it's a blessing you're asking for in a modern sense, and not permission in an older fashioned sense, then I don't see any barrier to that. It isn't really a tradition where I live (Scotland), so I could be missing something there. I think it's still done in England - my English husband's parents did this when they married, but my own parents did not. Interesting that other UK posters have the tradition.

I will say , I'm happily married (to a man), coming up for ten years now, and I'm not in any way anti-man. Quite the reverse. So if I said anything that made you feel that way, apologies for that.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I do think you should either sit down with both parents together or not do the parent talk at all. Don't pick one parent to the permission...regardless of what tradition was, it's not the same any more and it would be MUCH more respectful to have both mother and father present, not just the father. Asking both parents IS modern... asking the father is dated tradition. It looks cute in movies, but in real life, show both parents equal respect.

 

[Maria D]

JMarshall, for me, I would not have liked it *at all* if my husband (now of 24 years) had asked my mom for "her blessing" (my father was deceased). The reasons are both my feminist point of view and logistics at the time - it would have been quite an awkward moment for both of them! However, it certainly wouldn't have been a deal breaker if he had.

Now, on the other end of things, if my daughter (who incidentally does not shave her armpits, LOL) had a serious boyfriend that had this talk with my husband only, my husband would definitely tell me anyway. I would not feel slighted that this hypothetical future fiance only went to my husband and not me - I would assume he just did what he felt comfortable with and would be OK with it. BUT, I would be quite irritated if it was a secret I was supposed to keep for too long; I just don't feel it's fair for any people, even parents, to know of an impending engagement well before the future bride. So my advice is to not have this talk until the proposal is imminent - say within two weeks. Anything longer than that, both my husband and I would find totally lame.

That's just my opinion - get out your salt and good luck!

 

[Polished]

I remember reading here one guy's engagement story, who on his way out the door to propose to his girlfriend at a waterfall, casually asked her father if it was ok with him if he asked his daughter to marry him. His reply was "you bet son". It seemed like rather a nice respectful father/son in law bonding thing and not something that was turned into anything heavy. The important decision and proposal was between the couple.

 

[Lula]

I think Neil raised an excellent point, in a respectful manner, and fully in the spirit of PriceScope ... to help enthusiastic about-to-be-engaged people think about the various aspects of how an engagement can go. If we're willing to gently point out the drawbacks of EGL, or suggest that maybe some ladies like to be in on choosing their wedding bands, I think this is fair game.

BTW, I would have been peeved. But, then, so would my dad - he's the one who raised me to be this way (and for whom, Woody-Allen-lookalike-contest-winner that he is, I purchased a shirt with the motto, "this is what a feminist looks like"). JMarshall, you know your lady and her family best: if you know they're in favor of the tradition, do it! I think respectfully informing both parents together of your intentions is a lovely way to get past some of the sexist baggage behind the tradition.

P.S. - Mrs. Jam, in the last week, you've called PSrs "a bunch of pussies," told a member to "put on her big girl panties," and written off anybody who might object to a tradition on the basis of a sexist foundation as a "chick with issues." You might be in a glass house on that last one, at least as regards other chicks, is all I'm saying.

Perhaps I run with the wrong crowd, but I've never -- and I mean never -- heard a woman use the word "puss*es" to describe other women. But I have heard men use the term, and the other terms Mrs. Jam has leveled at PS women.

 

[Lula]

I remember reading here one guy's engagement story, who on his way out the door to propose to his girlfriend at a waterfall, casually asked her father if it was ok with him if he asked his daughter to marry him. His reply was "you bet son". It seemed like rather a nice respectful father/son in law bonding thing and not something that was turned into anything heavy. The important decision and proposal was between the couple.

And that couple is divorced now. He was back on PS asking for advice on buying a ring for his new girlfriend. No mention of asking the father this time around.

ETA: I think the "asking the parents" before you formally propose (I'm assuming the two of you have discussed marriage so there's been a de facto informal proposal) is a tradition that's outlived its usefulness. My parents would have thought it rather strange to be "asked" for my hand, because they considered my siblings and me to be fully formed adults at age 18.

But you know your fiancee-to-be better than we do. And you've stated that while the "asking the parents" routine is not important to her, she doesn't mind if you do it since it's important to you. But I think the tradition is to ask the father; including her mother isn't modern, it just puts a modern veneer on an outdated tradition. I'd ask her father while you're together during your fishing trip. That seems to be a much more traditional and natural occasion. Setting up a lunch with both parents may feel stilted.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

This is a very disappointing thread. A man is in love with a woman whom he plans to marry, and they have a close relationship with her family. He has already decided to speak to her parents before the SURPRISE proposal. He is not asking for permission, he said he is asking for their blessing (approval). This is a sign of love and RESPECT for her parents for him to do this. Obviously he is asking for suggestions on how best to do this, not asking for a list of reasons not to do it. I give him credit for knowing the woman he is about to propose to, and he knows this would please her since she loves her parents. Thank goodness there are still men like J in this world who have manners and respect for others!!!

 

[Polished]

And that couple is divorced now. He was back on PS asking for advice on buying a ring for his new girlfriend. No mention of asking the father this time around.

It wasn't him, it was another dude, who had bought a ring from Whiteflash and it sounded like he was about to have been received with open arms into the family anyway.

I do like the way you've worded your topic JM - it's not asking their permission but you'd like to have their blessing. I'd say just be confident, do it your way and when you feel the time is right.

 

[arkieb1]

Ignore all these negative comments its not constructive at all..... - I think your intention is lovely so how did it go???? I hope that it went well for you did you just ask Dad or Mum as well?

 

[jmarshall]

I didn't ask. I still intend to, but I want to ask both parents, and mom got called into work (she's an OR nurse)

 

[Niel]

[I'm disappointed in the PSers who think that the suggestion to take a moment and consider the other woman's feeling is somehow a disrespectful proposition. Not a single person here is saying not to do it. Just saying hey, will your GF like it?

If he came on here and said "im so in love help me find my girlfriend a dolphin engagement ring ", more than a few of you would say "you sure?"....he'd say yes she's asked for it and you'd move on...... I see no difference here.

You sure she wants it? OK great.

 

[Lula]

[I'm disappointed in the PSers who think that the suggestion to take a moment and consider the other woman's feeling is somehow a disrespectful proposition. Not a single person here is saying not to do it. Just saying hey, will your GF like it?

If he came on here and said "im so in love help me find my girlfriend a dolphin engagement ring ", more than a few of you would say "you sure?"....he'd say yes she's asked for it and you'd move on...... I see no difference here.

You sure she wants it? OK great.

+1

From what you've said, it sounds like she is understanding of how important this is to you. My opinion is that you should ask her father, and only her father. This tradition originated as a man-to-man discussion/exchange/ritual, and, in my view, including other family members dilutes the tradition. I agree with the poster who said that the bride-to-be should be the one to share the good news about the engagement with her mother.

ETA: I just saw your post about her mother being called into work. That brings up another issue -- scheduling a time with both parents may simply be more difficult!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I didn't ask. I still intend to, but I want to ask both parents, and mom got called into work (she's an OR nurse)

Lula, he is not simply following some ancient tradition. I am sure you well know that traditions change over time. He is living now in the 21st century. You are not even reading his posts. He says he will ask BOTH parents because he has a relationship with them. So why are you telling him he needs to only ask her father? That is his choice, not ours.

 

[Niel]

I didn't ask. I still intend to, but I want to ask both parents, and mom got called into work (she's an OR nurse)

Lula, he is not simply following some ancient tradition. I am sure you well know that traditions change over time. He is living now in the 21st century. You are not even reading his posts. He says he will ask BOTH parents because he has a relationship with them. So why are you telling him he needs to only ask her father? That is his choice, not ours.

So first of all, should I ask both her parents or just her father?

She's just answering the original question I think.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I didn't ask. I still intend to, but I want to ask both parents, and mom got called into work (she's an OR nurse)

Lula, he is not simply following some ancient tradition. I am sure you well know that traditions change over time. He is living now in the 21st century. You are not even reading his posts. He says he will ask BOTH parents because he has a relationship with them. So why are you telling him he needs to only ask her father? That is his choice, not ours.

So first of all, should I ask both her parents or just her father?

She's just answering the original question I think.

He posted two posts above hers that he is asking both parents. So that question has been decided.

 

[PintoBean]

JMarshall!

How exciting! Your future in-laws are so lucky to have such a thoughtful, respectful and caring addition to their family.

I regret not taking the time for some formality and for not partaking in some tradition, or a modern take on "tradition" such as asking for our parents' blessing.

If I had to do it again, I think that I would love it if my husband had lunch/dinner/tea sit down with my parents and asked for their blessing, and at the same time or similar time frame, I had a sit down with HIS parents and ask for their blessing to marry their darling son. It's a quirky, funny gesture that is VERY Pinto Bean, and which my in-laws would have gotten a kick out of.

So happy for you!

 

[Laila619]

This is a very disappointing thread. A man is in love with a woman whom he plans to marry, and they have a close relationship with her family. He has already decided to speak to her parents before the SURPRISE proposal. He is not asking for permission, he said he is asking for their blessing (approval). This is a sign of love and RESPECT for her parents for him to do this. Obviously he is asking for suggestions on how best to do this, not asking for a list of reasons not to do it. I give him credit for knowing the woman he is about to propose to, and he knows this would please her since she loves her parents. Thank goodness there are still men like J in this world who have manners and respect for others!!!

DITTO!

J Marshall, I say ask both parents. I think that's so sweet!

My husband asked my father for his permission, and I did not think it was archaic or offensive in the least.

 

[Lula]

JMarshall!

How exciting! Your future in-laws are so lucky to have such a thoughtful, respectful and caring addition to their family.

I regret not taking the time for some formality and for not partaking in some tradition, or a modern take on "tradition" such as asking for our parents' blessing.

If I had to do it again, I think that I would love it if my husband had lunch/dinner/tea sit down with my parents and asked for their blessing, and at the same time or similar time frame, I had a sit down with HIS parents and ask for their blessing to marry their darling son. It's a quirky, funny gesture that is VERY Pinto Bean, and which my in-laws would have gotten a kick out of.

So happy for you!

Love this idea. Now, this is a modern and a respectful approach that demonstrates that a wedding involves the coming together of two families and is not simply a one-way property transaction (which is where the original man-asks-permission tradition comes from and why it rankles me so).

 

[Lula]

I didn't ask. I still intend to, but I want to ask both parents, and mom got called into work (she's an OR nurse)

Lula, he is not simply following some ancient tradition. I am sure you well know that traditions change over time. He is living now in the 21st century. You are not even reading his posts. He says he will ask BOTH parents because he has a relationship with them. So why are you telling him he needs to only ask her father? That is his choice, not ours.

So first of all, should I ask both her parents or just her father?

She's just answering the original question I think.

I was just answering his original question and missed his posts where he says he wants to ask both parents. And, for some unknown reason, in my earlier post I added a non-existent fishing trip with his FIL, too. ETA -- oh, wait, the fishing trip was mentioned in one of his posts.

Posting too late at night and too early in the morning, sorry.

 

[Lula]

I didn't ask. I still intend to, but I want to ask both parents, and mom got called into work (she's an OR nurse)

Lula, he is not simply following some ancient tradition. I am sure you well know that traditions change over time. He is living now in the 21st century. You are not even reading his posts. He says he will ask BOTH parents because he has a relationship with them. So why are you telling him he needs to only ask her father? That is his choice, not ours.

The title of his thread is different from what he says in his posts. It's confusing.

And, DS, with all due respect, I get the distinct feeling from your posts that if he'd said he wanted to ask just her father, you'd be championing for him to ask both her parents, because that's how your son-in-law did it, and your personal preference is for the mother to be included in these discussions.

We all bring our biases to these conversations. That's just human nature.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Obviously, if your intended and her family like this tradition, then it's a nice thing to do as part of the whole engagement process. But as with ANY supposed tradition now or in the future, there is always the possibility that your intended and/or her family will have different ideas about it than you have. Such differences can lead to conflict. It's always best not to assume... because we all know where that leads! You seem to have a sense that your intended and her family would also appreciate your gesture, so more power to you. I like the idea of talking to both parents as a nod to modern changes in the family structure and power.

But I do think it is helpful to raise the possibility that she might not love the gesture, even if you love making it. Many women, myself included, would not like others' discussing their future life choices in their absense like that. Even asking for a "blessing" implies that the parents have some say in this matter and control over their daughter's life choices. So that reframing of the act does not negatate the implications of the act in my opinion.

 

[rosetta]

I didn't ask. I still intend to, but I want to ask both parents, and mom got called into work (she's an OR nurse)

Lula, he is not simply following some ancient tradition. I am sure you well know that traditions change over time. He is living now in the 21st century. You are not even reading his posts. He says he will ask BOTH parents because he has a relationship with them. So why are you telling him he needs to only ask her father? That is his choice, not ours.

So first of all, should I ask both her parents or just her father?

She's just answering the original question I think.

I was just answering his original question and missed his posts where he says he wants to ask both parents. And, for some unknown reason, in my earlier post I added a non-existent fishing trip with his FIL, too. ETA -- oh, wait, the fishing trip was mentioned in one of his posts.

Posting too late at night and too early in the morning, sorry.

My husband didn't ask permission from my father (I would be shocked if he had), but this is a cute idea!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I didn't ask. I still intend to, but I want to ask both parents, and mom got called into work (she's an OR nurse)

Lula, he is not simply following some ancient tradition. I am sure you well know that traditions change over time. He is living now in the 21st century. You are not even reading his posts. He says he will ask BOTH parents because he has a relationship with them. So why are you telling him he needs to only ask her father? That is his choice, not ours.

The title of his thread is different from what he says in his posts. It's confusing.

And, DS, with all due respect, I get the distinct feeling from your posts that if he'd said he wanted to ask just her father, you'd be championing for him to ask both her parents, because that's how your son-in-law did it, and your personal preference is for the mother to be included in these discussions.

We all bring our biases to these conversations. That's just human nature.

If that was the tradition they were used to, that would be absolutely fine by me! In fact, my husband walked my daughter down the aisle, not the two of us! Had my son-in-law asked just my husband, I wouldn't have been upset, but I thought it was a thoughtful gesture for him to include us both because he knows our daughter is close to both of us. I always think it is wise to start out on a good foot with the future mother-in-law!

 

[princesss]

JMarshall, did you ask? How did it go?

 

[jmarshall]

I did ask this afternoon, it went exceptionally well, they were thrilled. Told me that they couldn't ask for a better son in law, or more importantly, a better husband for their daughter. Told me that I absolutely had their not only their blessing, but their encouragement.... Told me that when they knew I wanted to talk, they figured it would either be that I had her knocked up or wanted to marry her.... But when they knew it was just me coming over that it was the latter.

 

[Maria D]

That's great to hear, good luck with the proposal!

 

[princesss]

I'm so happy to hear that!

 

[Enerchi]

I did ask this afternoon, it went exceptionally well, they were thrilled. Told me that they couldn't ask for a better son in law, or more importantly, a better husband for their daughter. Told me that I absolutely had their not only their blessing, but their encouragement.... Told me that when they knew I wanted to talk, they figured it would either be that I had her knocked up or wanted to marry her.... But when they knew it was just me coming over that it was the latter.

YAY!! I'm so glad it all went perfectly for you - and them!! Congratulations - now for the proposal - best of luck with what ever you plan!!

 

[jmarshall]

I did ask this afternoon, it went exceptionally well, they were thrilled. Told me that they couldn't ask for a better son in law, or more importantly, a better husband for their daughter. Told me that I absolutely had their not only their blessing, but their encouragement.... Told me that when they knew I wanted to talk, they figured it would either be that I had her knocked up or wanted to marry her.... But when they knew it was just me coming over that it was the latter.

YAY!! I'm so glad it all went perfectly for you - and them!! Congratulations - now for the proposal - best of luck with what ever you plan!!

Surprise proposal on the beach at her favorite vacation spot since she was a little girl