Timeline rant.....

[lovebug1031]

So I guess I''m just looking for someone to tell me i''m nuts or something here! My bf and I have been dating for a year...its been pretty serious from the get-go. We''ve always discussed "When we get married", not "if we get married"...he asked me some time ago what type of e-ring I would like...my family loves him and everyone is ALWAYS asking when we''re getting married

Anyhow to the point here...I''ve always been a "timeline" kind of girl. I asked him via text (so wrong I know) if he has a timeline for us...he said no! This obviously bothered me. So we talked about it again this weekend, bc I guess I need some sort of clarification or whatever...HE HAS NO TIMELINE! No clarification needed I suppose hah. He doesn''t even have a timeline for himself....he''s 30 i''m 25. I''d figure since he''s "older" he''d be more ready to get married and have a family. I have told him I don''t want to be 30 and just starting a family (no offense to anyone who is..it''s just not what I forsee for myself). He''s told me he knows he wants to be with me and marry me etc...so why can''t you nail down a time you''d like to be married, have kids etc?...It just doesn''t make sense to me AT ALL!

He said that money is partly a reason right now...which is understandable. BUT if it was something he were serious about he wouldn''t go out and spend $350 on a new coat he DOESN''T need

which just adds to his ever mounting credit card debt!!!! It''s his money he can do what he wants...but the fact that he isn''t even saving or trying to curb his spending doesn''t really make me think he''s serious about us ever getting married, and definitely not about a proposal within the next year or two even. Just a side note...we work together so I know how much he makes etc... I guess I just feel like if it were something he was serious about and wanted he''d find a way!....So why even bring it up if you''re not serious? BTW he''s the one who brought up marriage and engagements first.

Someone please tell me I''m overreacting and should just enjoy being young and in love and STOP freaking about a timeline!....

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

You're overreacting and should just enjoy being young and in love and STOP freaking about a timeline!!!!!!!

Aside from that, sit down with him and talk about engagement planning and wedding planning. My SO had NO idea how much a price range can vary with engagement rings. He said "I didnt know how many different styles of engagement rings there are - Growing up as a guy I always just assumed every girl wanted the solitaire diamond you see in movies". He was surprised with how much time is needed to book a venue as well as how much details need to be planned in a wedding (he doesnt understand why you need to pick out linens at all

). Honestly - how would your SO have any idea what goes into planning an engagement or wedding? Boys are never included in the familial planning - its always the women buzzing around like busy bees when a cousin or sister or maybe an aunt gets married, ya know? Do guys ever consult their guy friends when they're shopping for engagement rings? Not in detail! Its always the best girlfriend or the sister or mother who's consulted. See where I'm going with this?

Sit down and have an straight forward casual talk with him - no nagging no whining no pouting, just ask him about what he knows and share what you know. Explain why you want a time line and maybe compromise with him on how strict a time line you're expecting. I think after wards you'll feel better about everything. Keep in mind that not every girl is lucky enough to have an SO who wants to talk about marriage and engagements so you've already got something others dont and you should thank him for that

 

[BlueSki231]

I know what you mean - I can''t squeeze a timeline out of my guy either.

So, I don''t have much advice, just know you''re not the only one going crazy

 

[wishinpink]

I think you are right about it being important to have a timeline! Tell him it''s important to you, and ask if you can set one together- and include with that timeline, a saving plan that you both can stick to, that way you guys will be prepared for the wedding in the future, and he can slowly get out of debt and start saving for a ring!

To me, no timeline = no plan!!!

 

[LaraOnline]

Perhaps you''ve caught him by surprise, because you''re still quite young and been together a reasonably short time (according to current social norms) and everything''s bubbling along very nicely...
Try not to worry.

 

[PrincessLily2009]

Well, I don''t want to be a downer, but my BF was also the first one of us bring up getting engaged/married. That was over a year and a half ago, and although we haven''t really settled on a timeline, I know it won''t be for at least another two years. In my case, he liked to talk about it, and he liked the idea of marrying in the future, but he didn''t even consider getting engaged anytime soon.

As far as timelines go, have you thought about when you would like to get engaged? I would probably present him with a timeframe that I was happy with, and then negotiate from there.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 2/9/2009 9:01:40 PM
Author:lovebug1031

BUT if it was something he were serious about he wouldn''t go out and spend $350 on a new coat he DOESN''T need

which just adds to his ever mounting credit card debt!!!! It''s his money he can do what he wants...but the fact that he isn''t even saving or trying to curb his spending doesn''t really make me think he''s serious about us ever getting married, and definitely not about a proposal within the next year or two even.

You are not overreacting, and you''ve hit the nail on the head, I''m sorry to say. Some men will tell you whatever you want to hear when they are around you, but their actions speak louder than words. He''s 30 and should act like an adult. I would be questioning his intentions at this point. However, if you do not live together yet, do not move in with him! Plan for your life as though he is a non-issue, and see how fast he notices.

 

[lovebug1031]

SailorsSweet --- I might try this approach...but I''ll definitely have to wait awhile, god forbid he feel as if I''m "pressuring" him. I''m just more annoyed at this point that he doesn''t have a timeline for himself I guess. His response when I told him I wanted to be starting a family by the time I was 30 was "Thats 5 years away"...uhh hello thats NOT that long! I don''t want to get married and immediately start having to have children, I''d like to be able to enjoy being married for at the very least a year..I also want to be able to enjoy being engaged!! Boys are stupid...throw rocks at them! In order to fit into my timeline I''d like to be engaged by the end of this year...I can budge and give him until May of next year...but I''m not sure I can do much longer.

Namaste -- Thanks..and I''m sorry you''re dealing with it too! Don''t you just want to shake him sometimes and say what in the world is wrong with you!!!!

rosebud10 -- He''s told me on both occasions we''ve discussed the topic he can''t nail down a timeline, bc it not something he can promise to stick to...he can''t tell me that anything will happen by then. My mom mentioned opening a joint savings acct and agreeing to deposit a certain amt each month, but i''m not sure at this point I feel comfy doing that with someone who, as you say doesn''t even have a plan!!!!

LaraOnline -- Perhaps I have, but seeing as he was the first to bring it up and he''s usually the one to bring up the topic of marriage, why would it surprise him that I wanted to further the discussion? Bc ultimately isn''t that the reason everyone is in a serious relationship...the possibility of marriage. No one in their right mind stays in a relationship with someone they see no future with.

PrincessLily2009 -- If its not something you''re even considering in the somewhat near future...WHY BRING IT UP!..yes all girls want to know that who they''re with also sees a future with them and thats fine...but don''t start bringing up engagements and wanting to know what type of ring the girls would like...if you don''t even know an around about timeframe you might want to marry!

Winks_Elf -- We do NOT live together, and for me at this point its not even an option becuase we do work togehter..and thats just too much for me! But even if we didn''t work togehter...you can''t be willing to take that step to move in together and not the next step of getting engaged and married.

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

Date: 2/10/2009 9:13:25 AM
Author: lovebug1031
SailorsSweet --- I might try this approach...but I'll definitely have to wait awhile, god forbid he feel as if I'm 'pressuring' him. I'm just more annoyed at this point that he doesn't have a timeline for himself I guess. His response when I told him I wanted to be starting a family by the time I was 30 was 'Thats 5 years away'...uhh hello thats NOT that long! I don't want to get married and immediately start having to have children, I'd like to be able to enjoy being married for at the very least a year..I also want to be able to enjoy being engaged!! Boys are stupid...throw rocks at them! In order to fit into my timeline I'd like to be engaged by the end of this year...I can budge and give him until May of next year...but I'm not sure I can do much longer.

yea but you have to ask yourself.. would you rather wait for him to be ready, shorten that time line.. have a shorter engagement or have children sooner or have children a little later and disregard the 30 - OR would you rather walk away and find someone that you havent been in a relathionship with for a year and get engaged and married fast to make your time line? You know what I mean? Those are realistically your options.

I also want to have children young - but my parents were in their 30s when they had me and I'm the eldest out of my siblings. Honestly, they had better advice and parenting insight raising me than I feel some of my friends younger parents had. But thats one situation and under certain circumstances. Just dont limit yourself and get worked up over YOUR time line because its not something you two share yet. Tell him - 1 year for engagement plus a few years as a married couple with out children plus 9 months with child really only leaves you a couple months left til your 30 (I mean, I dont know your birthday but you get what I'm saying) I dont think he's considering all of that.

 

[lovebug1031]

SailorsSweet -- I have thought about that and I''m not sure (at least at this point bc I think it''d be unfair) that i''d just walk away from it. I''ve always been a timeline girl...with everything in my life, and I have a really hard time letting that go (yes, I know thats an issue!) I guess what he and I just don''t see eye to eye on...is if you KNOW you want to marry me and be with me...then why can''t you tell me when you''d like to be married to me?

I guess I have other reasons for not wanting to wait forever to have kids too...I always keep in the back of my mind that my mom had a heart attack at 40 and my dad died this past year at 54 of an out of the blue massive heart attack (they were both relatively healthy). I just can''t help but think of all the things I might miss if I don''t start young yknow? I am 100% sure he''s not considering the big picture here, the whole it takes ____ long to plan a wedding and I''d like to be engaged for ____ long and married for ____ long before we start a family. Then again I''m not sure he''s considering anyone but himself right now. And yknow I guess it wouldn''t bother me AS much if
a. we were younger and marriage wasn''t necessarily the first thing on our minds
b. when asked what he wanted to be when he "grew up" he hadn''t told me when we first started dating "a great father and husband"
maybe his idea of "grew up" meant 10 more years!!!!!

My bday is the end of Oct!

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

Aww Lovebug I can totally relate! Thats the reason I want to have children young too - I lost my father when I was 8 to brain cancer and my mother when I was 16 to an undetectable heart defect which may or may not be genetic (I get screened every couple years). I also have a high chance of getting cervical cancer because of previous unusual pap smears - sometimes its like.. COME ON!?!? SO says I cant base my life around what happened to my parents nor can I assume I will be anything but healthy for the rest of my life. He''s right and we''re working with that. I definitely want to have a few years or more just being married with out children - traveling and such. The best way to deal with those fears, I''ve found, is to eat healthy, work out and try and make it a permanent habit, and I take lots of vitamins my gyno prescribed me (but thats more for the cancer possibility than the heart problems). I''m trying not to apply those negative thoughts to my life and allow them to make decisions for me.

I see what youre saying about your SO though. If you really feel hes thinking too much about himself and not enough about you and your concerns - say something. Keep us updated and stay positive

 

[PrincessLily2009]

Have you talked to him about WHY you want to have children when you do? I know that just recently boyfriend and I had a conversation about the biology behind some women wanting to marry sooner rather than later. Afterward, he said he had never really thought about the extra factors that women have to consider.

 

[mariewest]

I know having a timeline is nice, I''m the type of girl who likes to plan ahead. However a timeline an also be a curse. As the timeline comes closer to the end, your expectations grow. What happens then if he doesn''t think he''s going to be able to make that deadline? Disappointment. Trust me, it happens. Plus, don''t you want to be surprised? Another thing to consider is what if he gives you a vague timeline (how does within the next ten years sound?) Just some things to think about.

I''ve been dating my SO for a little over two years, and during the first year we had discussed married and he told me that he would like to propose by the end of 2008... I''m still waiting. Then he said when he gets out of school (at the end of this month - around the time our trip to Disney is, imagine my excitement.) Now he says it may be another year!!! All due to financial reasons as well, which like you I can have some understanding on, but it is hard when they aren''t doing anything that you know to save and put their promises into action.

I will tell you to stop overreacting, but I won''t say that you should just enjoy being young and in love and STOP freaking out. I would agree with what others have said and at least bring it up with him (perhaps in person this time) and just let him know what''s on your mind. That doesn''t mean you''ll get the response you want, but at least it''ll all be laid out on the table for him.

Good luck, and hang in there!

 

[katica]

I agree with the other girls.. explain to him the time it takes to plan a wedding and the fact that you want to be married for a while first before having kids. At 30 he should be more future oriented and think about these things. And by the way some guys just love to talk the talk but actions speak louder than words. Sometimes they''re romantic and like to talk about it without any concrete plans. My boyfriend told me in July that I''ll have a ring soon.. when i asked him in December what he had meant by that he said "whenever I can afford it".. in our case it''s no longer an issue because he has the ring as of last weekend but you get the point I think.
Have a calm chat with him and see what he says!!

 

[LaraOnline]

Lovebug, I really feel for you...tbh I think it''s good to have a firm plan for yourself, because I was shocked to learn that it''s actually quite COMMON for men to be with women, and to stay with them for some time, even if they feel they DON''T have a future with them!!! My own husband did exactly that! To a very nice girl!!! Don''t get me started on that one!

Men can take a very ''practical'' view of love (it''s like the nuts-and-bolts mechanical approach, as they would do with cars) they seem to think that as long as they treat a woman nicely - turn up on time, say the right things - then it''s no ethical problem to just be with them ''for now''. That ''for now'' can be for years...!

Often, too, men don''t really seem to like to be held emotionally accountable for what they''ve said in the past...if he''s brought up marriage a year ago, but quietened down now, he could well have ''gotten over it'' a little. Culturally men really do actively discourage each other from marrying.

Stick to your guns, don''t be lead by the nose...but try not to fret. At least you know what you want, and that''s a big start!!