Time running out to decide baby or not? Women w/ kids and without - help!

[zhuzhu]

Date: 2/2/2009 9:32:53 PM
Author: justjulia
I do not know what my mother would have done without me when she was close to death. There are no words to express the profoundness of it.

Julia,
It is wonderful that your mom had you when she really needed someone. I too, will drop everything on my plate to fly to be with my mom when she needs me by her bedside.

However, your reply had me thinking, is the possibility of having a "secure" old age good enough a reason to have children?

This has been the way of thinking for people of Chinese heritage for years and years. It used to be true that the oldest (or the most responsible) child is expected to care for the aging parents by having them live together with the child''s family and care for them. However I have observed that the new age has totally changed that equation. There are many sad stories of adult children breaking hearts of the parents because of differing opinion on the duty-factor.

I think Americans are generally more independent financially, but emotionally I wonder if all the children are there for their dying parents when the time comes?

At this time DH and I are not planning on any children, if and when we change our minds, we may very well adopt as I love the idea of loving a baby for he/she is a "life", not simply because the baby has our DNA. Even then, I would not expect anything from my children at my old age financially, but hope for the return of love and emotional support.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 2/22/2009 6:53:57 PM
Author: zhuzhu

Date: 2/2/2009 9:32:53 PM

Author: justjulia

I do not know what my mother would have done without me when she was close to death. There are no words to express the profoundness of it.

Julia,

It is wonderful that your mom had you when she really needed someone. I too, will drop everything on my plate to fly to be with my mom when she needs me by her bedside.


However, your reply had me thinking, is the possibility of having a ''secure'' old age good enough a reason to have children?


This has been the way of thinking for people of Chinese heritage for years and years. It used to be true that the oldest (or the most responsible) child is expected to care for the aging parents by having them live together with the child''s family and care for them. However I have observed that the new age has totally changed that equation. There are many sad stories of adult children breaking hearts of the parents because of differing opinion on the duty-factor.


I think Americans are generally more independent financially, but emotionally I wonder if all the children are there for their dying parents when the time comes?


At this time DH and I are not planning on any children, if and when we change our minds, we may very well adopt as I love the idea of loving a baby for he/she is a ''life'', not simply because the baby has our DNA. Even then, I would not expect anything from my children at my old age financially, but hope for the return of love and emotional support.

ZhuZhu
I think your response brings up and interesting point. Aging parents do often rely on their children, but the idea that having children makes that any less complicated isn''t exactly true. I don''t plan to have kids, and I believe that this will enable me to be in a position to take care of my parents, or my aunt and uncle who don''t have kids, and my SO''s parents who are a decade younger than my own. Not that their finances aren''t in order, but they will all need support, and all of SO'' siblings and my siblings plan to have kids and will probably have far more constraints and demands on their time and income than we will without kids. It''s a lifestyle choice that will allow me far greater flexibility than having children would, and I really see that as my parents juggle caring for my 90+yr old grandmother. If my parents didn''t have kids, my mom would have retired by now. Her own eyesight is waning, and she cannot drive when it is dark. Kids are a life time of sacrifice, and I know my parents do not regret their children, but we are all college graduates now and they still incur significant expense between the three of us, especially as we do professional education and make low incomes for the time being.

 

[phoenixgirl]

jewelgal, you might have only wanted answers in the affirmative, but no, I don''t look at other guys and wonder what if. I do believe that there are other men out there I could be happy with, but I''m happy with my choice and I am confident that whatever difficulties we go through, DH is a good match for me and a good person who will work with me to get back to where we need to be if we ever lose our way.

I guess the question is if you have these doubts because like you said, your DH isn''t actually your "type." So maybe you''re just not complimentary in the most mutually beneficial way. Or maybe it''s just a restlessness that is common for many people. DH is the kind of person who gets tired after too long in the same job, and he needs to have new hobbies or friends to focus on so he doesn''t get bored with his routine. Before we met, he quickly got tired of the girls he dated too. Hopefully he''ll never feel that way about me, but if he does, I''ll understand that it''s just the way he''s wired and hope that we can work on things. We''re in year 11 of our relationship and 5 of our marriage, and so far so good!

A good test for thinking about how you really feel about things is to really imagine (if you can) losing them. How would you really feel if you left your DH or he left you and you had to start over without him? And how would you feel if you thought you were pregnant and then found our your period was just a little late? Would you be disappointed or relieved?

There are many kids out there who need a good home, so if you change your mind 10 years from now and find you can''t have kids, that doesn''t mean you can''t be a mother. Plus you could adopt an older child and skip the infancy stage that requires so much work. So I definitely wouldn''t decide to have a child with your DH now just in case time is running out.