Time running out to decide baby or not? Women w/ kids and without - help!

[jewelgal]

I''ve been married for years and time''s running out - I better make a decision soon! Can anyone out there give me some
advice, maybe like how you came to your decision to have a child or to not have a child? I see pros and cons and that''s what
is confusing me! I love kids, they are so much fun to be around but at the same time I enjoy peace and quiet and lots of alone time.
Plus I have to work full-time, so if I had one I''d have to put it in day care all day or /and rely on a family member to help out....
DH is flexible either way.

Plus, I think I don''t think of it as a "baby" but as a child, teenager and then adult that I would be committed to Forever.
I also worry sometimes, and I worry that a child would make me worry all the time. I don''t romanticize raising a child and
am realistic over what it would really be like: ie: homework , science projects, problems w/ their friends, teachers, helping
them raise their kids if they have to work (when I would want to be retired and do what i want) extra birthday parties and taxi-ing the
child to and from activities....etc.

So, if anyone out there can help me maybe help me see how other people came to making this huge decision, it would really help.
And maybe they can tell me if they regret their decision....

THank you in advance!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really appreciate any advice!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Not sure what to tell you since I ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. It was never a question if more of when. I would never advise anyone to have a child unless they are 100% committed to the idea. Raising a child is really hard (and I just started this journey). Any selfishness I might have had was forced to leave. She is in charge! The rewards are great though. Without a doubt my daughter is the BEST thing I have ever done. That''s enough to get through even the worst days.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

My greatest joys and greatest sorrows in this life have had to do with my children. Still, I have no regrets and certainly would not do things differently. But children do require sacrifice and putting their needs before our own. And even when they are grown up, they still may take some of your time. But at the same time, the rewards are great.

I think it is hard for those who try to work fulltime, because it is hard to find the time and energy to do it all. I think you really, really have to desire to have a child and be a mother for it to work. So I guess that is my answer. If you feel your life would be incomplete without having a child with your husband, then I'd do it. But if you're not really wanting to make the sacrifices, then I wouldn't.

(ETA: didn't see Tacori's post until after I posted mine! But we said basically the same thing!)

 

[steph72276]

I second everything Tacori said. For me too, it was never a question of if, but when. i will just tell you flat-out that as hard as it was being a kindergarten teacher with 20+ 5 year olds, I think it is a much harder job being a parent. It is a 24 hour a day job. Mine is 4 years old now and it is really hard work, but every night when I tuck him in bed and he gives me a huge hug and says "mommy I love you", it just makes all the hard work worth it. There is nothing like the love you feel for a child and I am so thankful everyday we have him.
eta: didn't see diamondseeker's post, but agree with her 100% as well.

 

[beau13]

Date: 1/7/2009 9:30:18 PM
Author:jewelgal
I've been married for years and time's running out - I better make a decision soon! Can anyone out there give me some
advice, maybe like how you came to your decision to have a child or to not have a child? I see pros and cons and that's what
is confusing me! I love kids, they are so much fun to be around but at the same time I enjoy peace and quiet and lots of alone time.
Plus I have to work full-time, so if I had one I'd have to put it in day care all day or /and rely on a family member to help out....
DH is flexible either way.

Plus, I think I don't think of it as a 'baby' but as a child, teenager and then adult that I would be committed to Forever.
I also worry sometimes, and I worry that a child would make me worry all the time. I don't romanticize raising a child and
am realistic over what it would really be like: ie: homework , science projects, problems w/ their friends, teachers, helping
them raise their kids if they have to work (when I would want to be retired and do what i want) extra birthday parties and taxi-ing the
child to and from activities....etc.

So, if anyone out there can help me maybe help me see how other people came to making this huge decision, it would really help.
And maybe they can tell me if they regret their decision....

THank you in advance!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really appreciate any advice!

I think you have your answer already. I think motherhood should come naturally..if it's something you have to question..and wonder if all the "work" that comes with raising a child is worth it..or i you think the child might be a burden, or interruption to your life..then I don't think you're ready! I had my first child at 26 , and the other at 29..and it totally changes your life (and lifestyle). Moms live for their children, it's what we do!! We work around their schedule..we (I anyway) spend every evening and weekend in a cold hockey arena supporting my kids who love hockey as much as they love life!! The homework, the attitudes, the sleepness night..it's never easy..but always rewarding!! Whether I enjoy getting up and being at a rink at 6am..with -30 degree temps outside..I never complain. I would rather be at home on a friday night with my children watching a funny movie..as I stare at their little faces..wondering how I ever got so lucky to have two beautiful , healthy children, than go out with friends! When they wake me up in the middle of the night, crawl into bed and get sick in my bed..I never complain about having to clean it up! Children bring all kinds of new adventures and challenges..and YES you're right, you are stuck with them for life. I'm sure there isn't ONE mother out there who has gotten so mad at their child they threaten to put them up for adoption! At the end of the day..when you stare at them fast asleep, looking like angels..you know what a miracle it is, to have brought these tiny beings into the world! I'd be surprised to hear ANY mother say she regrets having a child! Those who decide not to become mothers, don't know what they don't have right?? I don't think they can say they regret their decision either. Children put alot of stress on the BEST of relationships..so I would suggest the couple love each other dearly, and agree to having children before actually doing so. I've seen too many people think that bringing a child into the mix will make the relationship stronger.. LOL..NOT the case!! EVER!! Husbands feel neglected, because suddenly the child takes center stage. In my eyes..it's all worth it !! (Mine are 13 and 10 years..so I've been through alot already, but looking forward to so much more)!! Those teenage years should be so much fun!!

 

[777_LDY]

When you think of being married you don't think of all the hardships you will have to endure throughout your marriage. You only focus on the love you have for that person, and how, no matter what, you want to make a life together.

Having a baby is sort of similar, only you haven't yet met that person yet. But trust me, when and if you ever do, it is the greatest love you could ever feel.

That is the best advise I could try and give. I don't think that anyone is ever fully ready to have a baby until you hold that sweet innocent child in your arms that you have created. I know I wasn't.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 1/7/2009 9:53:18 PM
Author: beau13



(Mine are 13 and 10 years..so I've been through alot already, but looking forward to so much more)!! Those teenage years should be so much fun!!

yup, lots of fun !!

my older one is 22 and younger one will be 21 in March.

 

[Haven]

I don''t have children yet, but I''ve always *known* that I want to be a mom someday. I agree with Beau that it sounds like you have your answer already.

If I were you, I would figure out why you''re facing this dilemma--are you thinking about having children because you have an indescribable urge to become a parent? Or are you thinking about having children because "that''s what people do" and your window of opportunity to do so is quickly narrowing, and you''re scared you will miss out on something big if you let it pass?

 

[Jas12]

Beau13--i have to respectively disagree. I always knew i wanted to be a mom and planned my pregnancy but i still feared all the things jewelgal mentioned. I think it is only natural to think about how worrisome and life changing it is (or will be) to suddenly have a new little person who is 100% dependent on you and just appear in your life. It would actually strike me as naivety if one of my friends had absolutely no fears or apprehensions over becoming a parent.

Jewelgal--It is the hardest job and the BEST job. (heck, you may not even want to go back to your old job) for me all the things you fear are real and challenging, but IMO they don''t trump the amazingness (i know that''s not a real word) that is parenthood. All the hard stuff is not really a chore, but a labor of love, all the lost alone time is soon forgotten b/c you have someone that you want to be around (most) of the time. it''s a new luv that won''t annoy you in the way your hubby can.
I am new to this role so i don''t know if my opinions will change as my son grows up--but i know i luv him more each day so i am more excited than scared for the future.
And as for your marriage, i can only speak for myself but yes, parenthood makes it challenging but it has *undoubtedly* brought my hubby and I closer.

 

[snlee]

I agree very much so with Tacori and Jas12. I've always known I wanted to be a mother. I couldn't wait! But I also had many fears. You do have to be 100% committed as raising a child is really hard. Jas is right, it's a labor of love. Selfishness goes out the window. I'm just beginning this journey (my son is only 3 months old), but I can say that even during the rough times, I've never once regretted having him. Without a doubt my son is the best thing I've ever done. Parenthood is tough and at times it has put a strain on my marriage but ultimately, it has brought my DH and I closer. I don't think we can help you much with your decision. It's really is a decision you and your DH need to make together. A good question to ask yourself is will your life feel incomplete without a child or children? My answer was definitely YES.

 

[Kaleigh]

I knew from day one I wanted to be a Mom. If you really have to ask, perhaps it''s not for you? And that''s ok....

I echo what everyone else has said on this. My kids mean the world to me, and am so blessed to be their Mom. They are 20 and 18, so have been through it all. Health issues mostly. Asthma and JRA. Many hospital visits and stays when they were young. Talk about being worried. But wouldn''t trade that for the world, they are my heart. I adore them to pieces. I am not sure if this helps you, but wanted to respond.

 

[Circe]

I don''t have kids yet, and I have never been the maternal sort - I do not coo over babies, I do not smell the heads of babies, and I do not think of myself as being a prime candidate for plant-sitting, much less baby-sitting. That said, I want children, very much: not because I want babies, but because I want family. I sort of look at the early years as being the investment in eventually having little people that I can build dollhouses for, and teach chess to, and eventually guide through college and then have wine-y brunches with to celebrate their engagements. Being a parent is, indeed, a lifetime thing: I think a lot of the emphasis falls on the early years, but they don''t outweight the later years, not in duration, certainly, and not in intensity. I base the latter observation on my own experience of being a child, not a parent, but gods know I appreciate all my folks have done for me as an adult, and that I look forward to recreating it for my kids ....

 

[Pandora II]

I''ve always felt very like you do - and I''m still worried and I''m 5 months pregnant!

What decided it for me was DH offering to have a vasectomy - I was fuming. But you don''t want kids he said - well, it was only when I saw the option disappearing that I really felt total panic and figured that probably meant that I was more a yes than a no.

All my family and relatives say they are much amused by the thought of me having a child - I''m just reckoning that I am great with all my animals and so a child will just be a bigger extension of my menagerie...

I think it''s far better to actively choose to have children having considered all the pros and cons, than to just breed because it''s what people do.

I''ll let you know if I regret it in a few years!

 

[MishB]

I decided no, I didn''t have any burning desire so I erred on the side of caution. I don''t think it''s a decision you can make rationally either, by listing the pros and cons.

Think about it... this is the ONE decision in life you can''t unmake. If you are unhappily married, you can get a divorce, etc, etc. Anyone I have ever said this to assures me that no woman ever regrets having children, but I don''t buy that.

 

[iluvcarats]

I always knew that I wanted kids, but I was petrified of all the unknowns. Would I be a good mother? Would the baby be healthy? Would my body ever be the same? ect. But like others have said, it is the greatest thing I have ever done, and a love I could not even imagine feeling.
Mishb has a very good point. I am sure that there are women who do have regrets having children, and you are wise to really think it through, because as she said, there is no turning back. If you do decide to have children there is no looking back, as it is counter productive and is just not fair to your child.

 

[beau13]

Date: 1/8/2009 8:44:18 AM
Author: iluvcarats
I always knew that I wanted kids, but I was petrified of all the unknowns. Would I be a good mother? Would the baby be healthy? Would my body ever be the same? ect. But like others have said, it is the greatest thing I have ever done, and a love I could not even imagine feeling.
Mishb has a very good point. I am sure that there are women who do have regrets having children, and you are wise to really think it through, because as she said, there is no turning back. If you do decide to have children there is no looking back, as it is counter productive and is just not fair to your child.

For sure..EVERYONE fears the unknown. Preparing for children conjurs up all kinds of emotions. It''s normal. However..some women do NOT have that maternal instinct, and if they believe a child will interfere with their career, or social life..or whether they will regret having a child, and not want the lifelong commitment, because they want to travel the world, or not feel "tied down", then don''t even go down that path. Like I said..as a mom, we do everything and anything for our children. They come first. Our social lives..travel.."me" time is something that most women (especially working moms) have to put on hold, until the children are a little older, and more independent! Calgon...take me away!!

 

[nytemist]

I''m the polar opposite of most here. Never have I pictured myself having kids. Had no interest in baby dolls when I was young and I remember telling my dad I wanted to be a professional football player. My bio clock is broken.

I had this talk with a friend of mine. She''s 33, single and her mom is all over her to ''find someone soon and get married'' before she runs out of time to have children. She has been made to believe that she should have at least one child since it''s what a woman is supposed to do. I asked her, and would ask you: how do you feel deeply inside about the effect children would have on your life? Also, are you passionate about having them, or considering out of a sense of obligation? (''it''s just what you do'', ''while else get married'' and all the other reasons).

Try to tune out the rain of opinions you will probably start to get from others and really think it through, have a deep conversation about it with your husband. You will come to a decision that works for you both. I was thrilled to meet a man who also had no interest in kids and still we have so many people giving us the snide remarks that childfree folks get.

 

[fieryred33143]

I was torn on having children as well and for the same reasons. While I loved the idea of raising a family, I also love my life as it is...being able to wake up when I want to, no responsibilities for anyone but myself, etc.

Our child is a surprise in that we didn''t plan for this pregnancy to happen. Now that I am pregnant, I feel surprisingly calm and at peace with what''s to come. And as the weeks pass I find myself feeling "silly" for ever doubting wanting to have a child or not.

I think that even though you are looking for advice and are open to discussion, no one can really make this decision for you and unfortunately it isn''t an easy decision to make. Once you do decide to have a child, there''s no turning back.

I do want to tell you that its ok if you don''t want to have children. Not all paths have to lead to a familly that consists of mom, dad, and children.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Jewelgal, I can relate. I will be 28 this year, I''ve been married for a little over a year and DH and I keep wavering on the baby timeline. The older I get, the more I feel like I can''t push it off anymore.

Neither of us is the type who were born to have children. We love our freedom, we love to travel, we love the thought of picking up and moving across the country or even to another country on a whim (though it''s telling that we never HAVE). We value our independence and are really loving where we are in our relationship right now (newlyweds). The bottom line is that we know we could have wonderful, fulfilling lives without children. The deciding factor for us, as sad as it sounds, is that we think we''d regret NOT having kids.

 

[WTNLVR]

My husband and I sat down many years ago when time was running out and actually wrote out a list of pros and cons. We had a nice, honest discussion and were very realistic as to what went into each column. We thought about our list for a bit and decided against having kids. It was a nice way to make an educated, fair decision. Of course, we were both leaning the same way anyway. It may be more difficult if you are on opposite sides of the question. We have not regretted our decision at all and I think it is because we took the time and thought to make such an important decision.

 

[curlygirl]

I have to agree with pretty much everyone here who said they always knew they wanted to be a mom. That was me too. I didn''t care about getting married but I always wanted to have children!! It is definitely the most difficult job on earth but also the most rewarding. Although there are times when I would kill for just one hour to myself, I wouldn''t change a thing if I could. I love being a mother!

If you don''t mind me asking, why do you feel like time is running out? How old are you? I know all the statistics so I don''t need anyone to remind me but I just want to let you know that I had my first child at 36 and my second at 37 so it''s not impossible to get pregnant after 35 if that is your situation. I would suggest that you try to remove the age issue and then make your list of pros and cons and see how you feel. This definitely isn''t an endeavor you should rush into just because you feel like you don''t have enough time. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I''ve always wanted to be a mom, as well. A SAHM, in fact.

One thing I''d like to point out, is that a working mom isn''t a bad thing for children. . .Recently I''ve decided to go back to work and in making plans, I''ve noticed how unselfsufficient my kids are in many ways. Being around them all the time, doting on them & helping them get ready for school to the point of where I pack their school items in their bags, etc., seems to have left them lacking independance. My mistake and we learn from the ones we make, right? I believe now that they''re a bit older (6 & , me working PT will help them gain in maturity!

Oh, and FWIW, before my kids were born, I never questioned my ability to commite to my children and after it was the same, HOWEVER, as I am an only child, I was raised with hours of alone time, and because of this, my DH was always there to help give me a break when needed.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 1/8/2009 7:14:28 AM
Author: Pandora II
I''ve always felt very like you do - and I''m still worried and I''m 5 months pregnant!


What decided it for me was DH offering to have a vasectomy - I was fuming. But you don''t want kids he said - well, it was only when I saw the option disappearing that I really felt total panic and figured that probably meant that I was more a yes than a no.


All my family and relatives say they are much amused by the thought of me having a child - I''m just reckoning that I am great with all my animals and so a child will just be a bigger extension of my menagerie...


I think it''s far better to actively choose to have children having considered all the pros and cons, than to just breed because it''s what people do.


I''ll let you know if I regret it in a few years!

I''ve actually heard that this is sometimes a better gauge - to think of your life if you never had kids and whether you would regret it or feel that it hadn''t been complete in some way. I honestly think that''s a better test than whether you 100% want it with no hesitations whatsoever - I mean, great for people who feel like that but there are many who don''t who make wonderful parents.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/8/2009 9:14:34 AM
Author: beau13

Date: 1/8/2009 8:44:18 AM
Author: iluvcarats
I always knew that I wanted kids, but I was petrified of all the unknowns. Would I be a good mother? Would the baby be healthy? Would my body ever be the same? ect. But like others have said, it is the greatest thing I have ever done, and a love I could not even imagine feeling.
Mishb has a very good point. I am sure that there are women who do have regrets having children, and you are wise to really think it through, because as she said, there is no turning back. If you do decide to have children there is no looking back, as it is counter productive and is just not fair to your child.

For sure..EVERYONE fears the unknown. Preparing for children conjurs up all kinds of emotions. It''s normal. However..some women do NOT have that maternal instinct, and if they believe a child will interfere with their career, or social life..or whether they will regret having a child, and not want the lifelong commitment, because they want to travel the world, or not feel ''tied down'', then don''t even go down that path. Like I said..as a mom, we do everything and anything for our children. They come first. Our social lives..travel..''me'' time is something that most women (especially working moms) have to put on hold, until the children are a little older, and more independent! Calgon...take me away!!

Sorry, this is bull IMHO. I also agree with Jas12''s post.

I''m not saying that all women with no maternal instinct should try and be moms. Some women are not meant to be mothers and usually they know it.

Speaking from experience, I can say that I did not have maternal instinct, was scared that the kid would interfere with my career and social life, wondered if I would regret having a child, did not want the lifelong commitment and defininitely was well on my way to traveling the world.

Well, I went "down that path."

Jewelgal, I have a 9 month old and I STILL worry about science projects, what kinds of friends she will make, whether she will be bullied, whether SHE will be the bully, etc etc. And the list is a LOT longer than the one you mentioned. I and get tired sometimes thinking that I am going to be worrying about her until I die.

But what can I tell ya, except I LOVE being a mom? I love my daughter more than life itself. I spoke often about the subject here on PS, so I won''t go on and on extolling the joys of motherhood. And it is, ya know - a JOY.

It''s also a bitch. Exhausting. Monotonous. Sacrificies in so many ways. Friendships change. There''s not as much time for yourself, period. Toenails need pedicures and haircuts - what are those?

Like I said, most women who don''t want kids know it and move on to enjoy their lives. Then others (and it seems like the majority of current PS moms) wanted to be moms their whole lives and go for it. The rest of us have nightmares about the whole thing. Even after having one child, I have nightmares about being pregnant again and raising a second! But somewhere, way deep in your gut, you know. You many not even realize it, but it''s there. That''s why I went off the pill. Just to "see."

If you and your DH is flexible either way, I''d say do what I did. See if you can actually get yourself off BC and throw caution to the wind. If you don''t have kids, it''s meant to be...enjoy your lives. If you do have them, it''s meant to be...enjoy your lives! And if you find that month after month of not *really* trying that you find all of the sudden that you want to start lurking in the TTC thread and buy a thermometer...well, you have your answer there too.

Good luck!

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 1/8/2009 2:43:35 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/8/2009 9:14:34 AM

Author: beau13

Date: 1/8/2009 8:44:18 AM

Author: iluvcarats

I always knew that I wanted kids, but I was petrified of all the unknowns. Would I be a good mother? Would the baby be healthy? Would my body ever be the same? ect. But like others have said, it is the greatest thing I have ever done, and a love I could not even imagine feeling.

Mishb has a very good point. I am sure that there are women who do have regrets having children, and you are wise to really think it through, because as she said, there is no turning back. If you do decide to have children there is no looking back, as it is counter productive and is just not fair to your child.

For sure..EVERYONE fears the unknown. Preparing for children conjurs up all kinds of emotions. It's normal. However..some women do NOT have that maternal instinct, and if they believe a child will interfere with their career, or social life..or whether they will regret having a child, and not want the lifelong commitment, because they want to travel the world, or not feel 'tied down', then don't even go down that path. Like I said..as a mom, we do everything and anything for our children. They come first. Our social lives..travel..'me' time is something that most women (especially working moms) have to put on hold, until the children are a little older, and more independent! Calgon...take me away!!

Sorry, this is bull IMHO. I also agree with Jas12's post.


I'm not saying that all women with no maternal instinct should try and be moms. Some women are not meant to be mothers and usually they know it.


Speaking from experience, I can say that I did not have maternal instinct, was scared that the kid would interfere with my career and social life, wondered if I would regret having a child, did not want the lifelong commitment and defininitely was well on my way to traveling the world.


Well, I went 'down that path.'


Jewelgal, I have a 9 month old and I STILL worry about science projects, what kinds of friends she will make, whether she will be bullied, whether SHE will be the bully, etc etc. And the list is a LOT longer than the one you mentioned. I and get tired sometimes thinking that I am going to be worrying about her until I die.


But what can I tell ya, except I LOVE being a mom? I love my daughter more than life itself. I spoke often about the subject here on PS, so I won't go on and on extolling the joys of motherhood. And it is, ya know - a JOY.


It's also a bitch. Exhausting. Monotonous. Sacrificies in so many ways. Friendships change. There's not as much time for yourself, period. Toenails need pedicures and haircuts - what are those?


Like I said, most women who don't want kids know it and move on to enjoy their lives. Then others (and it seems like the majority of current PS moms) wanted to be moms their whole lives and go for it. The rest of us have nightmares about the whole thing. Even after having one child, I have nightmares about being pregnant again and raising a second! But somewhere, way deep in your gut, you know. You many not even realize it, but it's there. That's why I went off the pill. Just to 'see.'


If you and your DH is flexible either way, I'd say do what I did. See if you can actually get yourself off BC and throw caution to the wind. If you don't have kids, it's meant to be...enjoy your lives. If you do have them, it's meant to be...enjoy your lives! And if you find that month after month of not *really* trying that you find all of the sudden that you want to start lurking in the TTC thread and buy a thermometer...well, you have your answer there too.


Good luck!

Tgal, could you clarify this please. I guess I don't understand what exactly about my post is "bull"?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/8/2009 3:06:16 PM
Author: iluvcarats



Tgal, could you clarify this please. I guess I don''t understand what exactly about my post is ''bull''?

I was talking about Beau''s post re: people who are not maternal should not go down that path. She had quoted you, so it all got lumped together. Sorry about the confusion.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 1/8/2009 3:18:37 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/8/2009 3:06:16 PM

Author: iluvcarats




Tgal, could you clarify this please. I guess I don''t understand what exactly about my post is ''bull''?

I was talking about Beau''s post re: people who are not maternal should not go down that path. She had quoted you, so it all got lumped together. Sorry about the confusion.

Gotcha! And I agree with you. Sometimes you don''t know what you are capable of until it''s thrown in your lap. And it''s definitely not easy, and definitely not for everyone.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 1/8/2009 9:25:29 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Jewelgal, I can relate. I will be 28 this year, I''ve been married for a little over a year and DH and I keep wavering on the baby timeline. The older I get, the more I feel like I can''t push it off anymore.

Neither of us is the type who were born to have children. We love our freedom, we love to travel, we love the thought of picking up and moving across the country or even to another country on a whim (though it''s telling that we never HAVE). We value our independence and are really loving where we are in our relationship right now (newlyweds). The bottom line is that we know we could have wonderful, fulfilling lives without children. The deciding factor for us, as sad as it sounds, is that we think we''d regret NOT having kids.

No reason why having kids should stop you - my parents moved to a tropical island when I was 3 where you couldn''t even get shoes or children''s clothes. I was dragged up all over the world and had a great experience. I wouldn''t change my childhood for anything.

Children are pretty adaptable.

 

[Harriet]

Thankfully, I still have a few years. I've never been maternal, except with my dogs (mums, I'm writing from the heart, so please don't judge me). But the "what if?" question is always lurking. I'm also trying to sort myself out, both healthwise and professionally. What is more, I didn't have the happiest childhood (my parents love me incredibly, but were stifling). Lastly, with the medication I've been taking, it'll take a few years for me to detoxify.

 

[Steel]

Jewelgal,

Sorry no words of advice here. I was in the camp of ''no kids here ever'' and now am not sure. So while I understand your concerns and confusion I don''t even know what I will do never mind offering advice.

I would like to add this: I have never felt maternal in the way other women say they feel. I have always felt that having a child is a commitment, not just ''mother to child'' but more ''child to world''. The baby does not choose to be born and I have to get to a point where I feel like the world is good place for a baby to be born into. At the moment, I am more leaning towards adoption; there are lots of kids already in the world that need somebody to take care of them. My only concern with that is that I like the idea of carrying my own child. I do not know how to reconcile those two emotions as of yet.