Thoughts?

[CushionSolitaireLover]

I''ve never posted but lurk and awful lot!

I''ve been searching the forum and reading anything I can that pertains to my situation. I think it''ll be easier to just post something!

I just broke up with my boyfriend of over 3 years. When we first officially met...I felt like he was the one for me. He felt so right! And, he still does. We really had such a great relationship, got along so well, had a lot of fun together, etc. I can''t imagine a more perfect person, ever. We went through a lot this year; there was a huge, tragic, loss in his family. With that, I got to meet his extended family and fell in love with them. Not only do I love the thought of spending the rest of my life with him, I love the thought of being a part of that family!

The only bump in the road is that he cannot commit. We''ve talked about it a lot in the past, he said maybe some day, and I set that issue aside. Being that I am not in a hurry to get married, I decided to just enjoy our relationship for what it was- wonderful.

A few weeks ago he told me that he will never be able to commit fully to me. No marriage, no children. And as much as he is my dream man, I won''t sacrifice what''s really important to me. I want that commitment, I want that security, and I want a family. He said that he could never be that person, but that he wishes he could be. He didn''t want me to leave.

I decided to break up with him and move out (we were living together). I know that I deserve to be with someone who''d go to the end of the world to keep me. And I want that. I have my problems, issues of my own, but I know that I am worth it.

And though this break up is real, not a game, and I fully intend on getting on with my life... I still can''t imagine being with anyone else. The fact that we were so good together, that after 3 years we are still in love, and that it is over is hard to deal with. I can''t believe that he''s not fighting for me, that he''s looking forward to it being a couple months from now (which I''m supposing means that he''s looking forward to not be affected by our breakup as strong as he is now.) He''s looking forward to feeling healed. And that tells me that, even in that time frame, he''s not going to see what an idiot he is for letting me go.

He''s so stubborn about this issue and refuses to get counseling to get past the cause of these feelings (childhood, divorce). I don''t know if he will change, ever. He could if he really wanted.

I know a lot of you out there don''t believe in "the one" or such. But have any of you been in a similar situation? Everything about your relationship was perfect, you feel like you complete each other (while still remaining very independent of each other) but he told you he''d never commit - and so you left him because you refused to give up your value on marriage and children....

If you''ve been in a similar situation, what happened? Was that it? Done?

And so you know, as strongly as I feel about wanting to spend my life with him and as much as we love each other still... I''m never going to go back to him unless he magically, and honestly, changes- realizes that he doesn''t want to spend his life without me. I have no intentions of talking to him, I''m making this a clean break.

 

[lilyfoot]

Wow, CushionSolitaireLover, I''m sorry to hear what you''re going through. Kudos to you for sticking to your guns and making it a clean break.

Unfortunately, there''s not much I can say. He is being very honest with you (which is actually a great thing), and it doesn''t seem like he''s going to change his mind.

You are right when you say you deserve someone who would go to the end of the world to keep you. If this BF isn''t the guy, please believe that there is someone else out there. There''s someone out there that will blow your mind away with how much they care for you, and what they''re willing to do for you. It''s never easy to move on after a break up, especially since you''re still in love with him, but 3 years is long enough, you need to do what''s right for YOU now.

 

[HopeDream]

Hi Cushion Solitaire Lover!

My heart aches for you. I''m sorry that you''ve come across this deal-breaker so far along in your relationship.
I think you''re doing the right thing by getting out now while things are still sweet.
If you stay with him, I think over time you would become bitter, angry, and resentful towards him which would sour your realtionship.

In the extremely unlikely event that he has an Ebeneezer Scrooge epiphany and decide you''re worth commiting to, he will come to you on bended knee, ring in hand.

Far more likely though, you''ve just made a tough decision to have a happy life by finding a partner who shares your dreams of marriage and children.

You are a strong woman and I know you have a joyful future ahead of you.

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

I''m so sorry that you have to go through this, but I think you are taking the right approach with a clean break. I was in a somewhat similar situation in my younger days - perfect for each other, couldn''t see being with anyone else, the works. Then after many years together, he drops the bomb - doesn''t know if/when he''ll ever be ready to commit/have children/etc. Since those things were important to me, I knew what we had to do. It definitely wasn''t easy, but it does get easier with time. I know every situation is different, and I am only going by my experience, but if I were you, I would continue on living your life and doing what makes YOU happy. Spend more time with your friends. Spend more time with yourself to find out what you truly want and need out of life and relationships. Initially, I had hoped he would "come to his senses" and realize we were perfect together, but truth is, he never did. He''s in his late 30s now and still has not a clue from what I have heard (we still do not talk, which was the best thing for me). He is still not happy and still a commitment-phobe. And I am in a happy and committed relationship, so believe me, there is hope. And there is a man out there that is truly right for you and will be excited about committing to you. I wish you nothing but the best as you go through this transition. You sound like a strong woman so I have no doubts that you will come out even stronger and happier on the other side. Best of luck to you!

 

[TooPatient]

I don''t have any advice to offer. Just HUGS for you.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I belive there is "the one"

Have you ever really sat down and talked to him about WHY it is he feels this way? There must be some reason behind it. Perhaps something with his parents. Were they divorced? I would sit down and get to the bottom of it with him. I know you''ve broken up with him but if you''d like to know, maybe set up a time to meet him and try and find out just why. I mean, if he loves you and doesn''t want you to leave, then why can''t he marry you?

How old are the two of you? Perhaps he feels he just isn''t ready yet. Too young to even think about it.

 

[Erin]

I have been through this before and I was forced to answer the question Which is more important? Having a marriage and a family? or Him?
Since both wasn''t an option I felt really bad for leaving him because I probably won''t meet someone like him again. Someone different and equally wonderful in different ways? Sure. It''s hard to imagine because I haven''t met him yet. In the meantime, He still remains to a certain degree, ideal. This doesn''t mean that I''d go out and marry just anyone for the sake of being married. Same with children. If it were that important I could be pregnant in less than two months if mother nature cooperated.

I guess my point is, you have basically one chance to create the life you want. You should know for sure what your dealbreakers are. And as for that different but equally wonderful guy? He''s out there. Even if you feel you''ll never find that kind of love again, you will.

 

[CushionSolitaireLover]

Yes, divorce. His mom is a total selfish jerk and really mistreated his father after the divorce. His father basically taught him that women and relationships were evil and his mother, with how she acted, backed up this opinion.

I was his first long term relationship. First woman he''s lived with. He''s almost 32!

I know where the root of his problem is and it is something that he could work on if he really wanted to.

 

[monarch64]

Had you ever talked with him about these issues before? Was engagement brought up? Did you discuss marriage and children? If he just isn''t the type to marry or have children why do you think he should get counseling to change himself? That would be like him telling you to get counseling to change your ideals! It sounds like he doesn''t want to be without you, he just isn''t willing to take the legal step and he doesn''t want kids. I don''t think that is something a person can change no matter how much you want them to. I''m sorry you''re going through this. Hopefully you live in an area where you have family and friends of your own to give you perspective as well. It sounds like a friendly break-up, I can''t imagine staying friends with someone who couldn''t commit yet was supposedly still in love with me...the patience people have is amazing to me in situations like this. Take care.

 

[HollyS]

My dear, as hard as this is for you, you''ve done the right thing; kudos for being smart, brave, and determined.

But, and I don''t wish to hurt you, this relationship was not THE ONE. If it had been, if he had truly - really - loved you as you loved him, he would not be perfectly willing to let you go. And he was perfectly willing to let you go. No matter how ''great'' or ''real'' or ''perfect'' your time with him was. . . it wasn''t. For him. When he finds perfect, for him, his outlook will be different.

It''s nothing that you said, or did, or didn''t do that helped this relationship fail. Both people need to be fully committed to making it work. You know that, and acted on that.

It will just take time, and space, to move on emotionally. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve for the loss of what you thought was a lifetime relationship.

 

[CushionSolitaireLover]

Date: 11/17/2009 1:33:37 PM
Author: monarch64
Had you ever talked with him about these issues before? Was engagement brought up? Did you discuss marriage and children? If he just isn''t the type to marry or have children why do you think he should get counseling to change himself? That would be like him telling you to get counseling to change your ideals! It sounds like he doesn''t want to be without you, he just isn''t willing to take the legal step and he doesn''t want kids. I don''t think that is something a person can change no matter how much you want them to. I''m sorry you''re going through this. Hopefully you live in an area where you have family and friends of your own to give you perspective as well. It sounds like a friendly break-up, I can''t imagine staying friends with someone who couldn''t commit yet was supposedly still in love with me...the patience people have is amazing to me in situations like this. Take care.

Of course we''ve talked about the issues. He''s openly admitted how he came to view relationships as he does. And of course engagement was brought up. That would be the next step that he''s unwilling to take. You can have marriage without engagement, this is true, but that''s not normal american cultural progression.

And counseling to change would not be like me changing my ideals. His fear of commitment and the issues behind it are things counseling can help with. They are, in this society, abnormal views. Someone can be anti marriage and kids from a healthy perspective, and that''s totally fine. The ex recognized, verbally communicated, that it is a deeper problem (psychologically) for him than just happily deciding marriage and kids were not for him. Honestly, this inability to commit seemed to cause distress. And when you have someone experiencing distress over an issue like that, counseling can help.

But you are right. If it were just a preference for him, that probably could not change.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 11/17/2009 1:18:49 PM
Author: CushionSolitaireLover
Yes, divorce. His mom is a total selfish jerk and really mistreated his father after the divorce. His father basically taught him that women and relationships were evil and his mother, with how she acted, backed up this opinion.

I was his first long term relationship. First woman he''s lived with. He''s almost 32!

I know where the root of his problem is and it is something that he could work on if he really wanted to.

Oh ok. That explains a lot of it. Gosh that''s too bad. If he would just talk to someone about it, I''m sure he would get past all of that and feel better about everything. Unfortunately, if he can''t get past all of that and move forward with you, then you probably did do the right thing. No matter how bad it hurts. And you are right because if truly he wanted to, he could fix the issue.

 

[monarch64]

To be quite honest and blunt, you say your relationship is perfect but does HE feel that way? Is it at ALL possible that he is conveniently using his issues as an "easier" excuse to let you go? I have to agree with others who say that if he really loved you and wanted to be with you he would not have let you go so easily. I hate that anyone has to go through this. But the sooner you recognize it for what it really is, the quicker you can move on and find someone who truly wants to be with you. Hugs.

 

[anchor31]

I''m sorry you''re going through this... I applaud you for not selling yourself short and going for what''s best for you! It''s not fair to ask you to stay if he can''t offer what you need (commitment and family).

 

[CurlySue]

Date: 11/17/2009 1:44:40 PM
Author: HollyS
My dear, as hard as this is for you, you''ve done the right thing; kudos for being smart, brave, and determined.

But, and I don''t wish to hurt you, this relationship was not THE ONE. If it had been, if he had truly - really - loved you as you loved him, he would not be perfectly willing to let you go. And he was perfectly willing to let you go. No matter how ''great'' or ''real'' or ''perfect'' your time with him was. . . it wasn''t. For him. When he finds perfect, for him, his outlook will be different.

It''s nothing that you said, or did, or didn''t do that helped this relationship fail. Both people need to be fully committed to making it work. You know that, and acted on that.

It will just take time, and space, to move on emotionally. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve for the loss of what you thought was a lifetime relationship.

+1

 

[monarch64]

And I''m sorry, CSL, I''m telling you all of this because I have a very, very close friend who is a male, who is on the flip side of this situation. So while my perspective does not come from having been through this, it comes from listening to a man for the past year who has been trying to get out of a relationship and avoiding hurting her as much as he possibly can because he does care very much for her.

 

[CushionSolitaireLover]

I do thank all of you for the support. I know that I did the right thing. And me leaving him has really, seemingly, shattered him.

I don''t think that he was using this issue to try to get out of the relationship as he did not want me to leave (so he said, and that I believe). I think he''s generally just confused.

I know eventually I will find someone else and I fully intend to keep on doing the things I love and enjoy being single. I have no intentions of dating any time soon. But three or four months of just being by myself will be nice.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Oh, CSL, I PROMISE you that you made the right choice. I know it's hard for you to see it now, but you did.

I was in your shoes exactly three years ago. Almost to the day.

I won't go into a long story, but just want to say that I loved my boyfriend very, very much. We'd lived together for nearly six years, had a dog together, I could not imagine my life with any other man. He wanted so much to be able to say he could marry me because he wanted to make me happy. Unfortunately he wasn't sure if that was the life he wanted for himself--to settle down, to start a family. He knew that if it was the life he wanted, he wanted it with me. I was very hurt that he wasn't sure if he wanted to settle down with me, but I always knew it wasn't ME. Eventually I realized that I may not find a love like him again, but if I wanted marriage and a family, I needed to find it with a man who was willing to embrace it with me.

So I left.

I never blamed my boyfriend. He was honest with me and even tried to propose, though I knew it was simply to keep me. When we talked about it more seriously we both realized it was the wrong move. He also respected me and understood that I needed to move on with my life, so while our final parting was very painful, there was no animosity.

D was completely lost in those first weeks--I don't think it hit him until I was gone. He drove 24 hours straight to try to see me...twice. I held firm with no contact--I absolutely needed to heal and couldn't do it if I heard his voice or remained his friend. Those months were so painful, but also very growth-inducing. I felt a real sense of freedom and while I was never ready to date, I knew that eventually I would fall in love again. I also felt a lot of guilt--I kept thinking "maybe I should have given him more time", but in my gut I knew that I'd made the right decision.

He sought counseling when I was gone. I didn't know about, obviously, but he did it all on his own. This is the period that he calls "walking through the flames". He needed to do it on his own, I could have never helped him in the way he helped himself and my sticking around and keeping things comfortable for him only made it easier for him to keep the status quo.

A few months after I left, D called me and told me that he didn't think he had a chance, but he wanted to propose and if I'd take a trip with him (to propose), he'd spend the rest of our lives trying to make me happy. He told me he didn't want to propose over the phone so he wouldn't have to tell our kids how Daddy screwed up and had to propose to Mommy over the phone after losing her, haha. I took some time to think about it, but within the week we were in Paris and engaged.

We did go to pre-marital counseling because it was important to get over how our relationship ended, and I think that was very important.

We've been married for 2 years now and he's the most amazing husband. We are in the process of buying a house and he's been nothing but excited. We are going to start trying for a baby soon and he's more ready than I am, haha. Once he embraced marriage, he embraced it fully and never looked back. I've never gotten even a hint of cold feet from him from the second he proposed. But he had to do that ALL ON HIS OWN.

I wish you tons and tons of luck. I know that right now it's hard to see through the recent breakup fog--I remember that I allowed myself to "cry it out" for an hour a day in the bathtub. And I remember on Christmas Day I came back to my apartment and felt so alone...I had a mini-breakdown. But every day I just put one foot in front of the other and within a few months, I felt pretty good! I promise you it will get better!

(P.S. I have a friend who left her boyfriend the same day I did--he actually proposed a couple of weeks later and she did not accept because she was so frustrated that he had to lose her in order to realize she was "the one". She is now very happily married to another man who is head over heels for her. The lesson here is that when you keep your own needs in mind and give YOURSELF the FREEDOM to choose your own future, you will always come out on top).

ETA: That was a REALLY long story, haha.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 11/17/2009 2:06:00 PM
Author: CushionSolitaireLover
I don''t think that he was using this issue to try to get out of the relationship as he did not want me to leave (so he said, and that I believe). I think he''s generally just confused.

I don''t want to give you false hope but it''s possible (just as NEL mentioned) that he may think long and hard about this, maybe talk to someone, whatever....and come back to you telling you that he does want to marry you. But I just don''t want to get your hopes up because it would depend on him.

Does he have a sibling or friend you can ask if he''s talking about any of that?

 

[princesss]

Honey, you definitely did the right thing.

Look, if he wanted to get married, he''d be taking steps to fix his issues. He''s telling you loud and clear that he doesn''t want to get married, and that he doesn''t care enough about marriage in general right now to find out why he doesn''t want to get married. He''s content with how things are, and is excited about the possibilities life is bringing - it stings, but he''s telling you the truth.

He''s honestly not an idiot for letting you go - he''s helping you achieve your dreams. You want a family and a husband, and he''s doing what he can to help you get that. He''s being totally honest - he can''t give that to you, and he''s letting you go off to find somebody who can.

You did the right thing for yourself. There is somebody out there who will blow you away, and you''ll get married and have kids, and live the life you''re dreaming of. Grieve, get him out of your system and know that you''ll be okay.

 

[CushionSolitaireLover]

Date: 11/17/2009 2:12:01 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Oh, CSL, I PROMISE you that you made the right choice. I know it''s hard for you to see it now, but you did.


I was in your shoes exactly three years ago. Almost to the day.


I won''t go into a long story, but just want to say that I loved my boyfriend very, very much. We''d lived together for nearly six years, had a dog together, I could not imagine my life with any other man. He wanted so much to be able to say he could marry me because he wanted to make me happy. Unfortunately he wasn''t sure if that was the life he wanted for himself--to settle down, to start a family. He knew that if it was the life he wanted, he wanted it with me. I was very hurt that he wasn''t sure if he wanted to settle down with me, but I always knew it wasn''t ME. Eventually I realized that I may not find a love like him again, but if I wanted marriage and a family, I needed to find it with a man who was willing to embrace it with me.


So I left.


I never blamed my boyfriend. He was honest with me and even tried to propose, though I knew it was simply to keep me. When we talked about it more seriously we both realized it was the wrong move. He also respected me and understood that I needed to move on with my life, so while our final parting was very painful, there was no animosity.


D was completely lost in those first weeks--I don''t think it hit him until I was gone. He drove 24 hours straight to try to see me...twice. I held firm with no contact--I absolutely needed to heal and couldn''t do it if I heard his voice or remained his friend. Those months were so painful, but also very growth-inducing. I felt a real sense of freedom and while I was never ready to date, I knew that eventually I would fall in love again. I also felt a lot of guilt--I kept thinking ''maybe I should have given him more time'', but in my gut I knew that I''d made the right decision.


He sought counseling when I was gone. I didn''t know about, obviously, but he did it all on his own. This is the period that he calls ''walking through the flames''. He needed to do it on his own, I could have never helped him in the way he helped himself and my sticking around and keeping things comfortable for him only made it easier for him to keep the status quo.


A few months after I left, D called me and told me that he didn''t think he had a chance, but he wanted to propose and if I''d take a trip with him (to propose), he''d spend the rest of our lives trying to make me happy. He told me he didn''t want to propose over the phone so he wouldn''t have to tell our kids how Daddy screwed up and had to propose to Mommy over the phone after losing her, haha. I took some time to think about it, but within the week we were in Paris and engaged.


We did go to pre-marital counseling because it was important to get over how our relationship ended, and I think that was very important.


We''ve been married for 2 years now and he''s the most amazing husband. We are in the process of buying a house and he''s been nothing but excited. We are going to start trying for a baby soon and he''s more ready than I am, haha. Once he embraced marriage, he embraced it fully and never looked back. I''ve never gotten even a hint of cold feet from him from the second he proposed. But he had to do that ALL ON HIS OWN.


I wish you tons and tons of luck. I know that right now it''s hard to see through the recent breakup fog--I remember that I allowed myself to ''cry it out'' for an hour a day in the bathtub. And I remember on Christmas Day I came back to my apartment and felt so alone...I had a mini-breakdown. But every day I just put one foot in front of the other and within a few months, I felt pretty good! I promise you it will get better!


(P.S. I have a friend who left her boyfriend the same day I did--he actually proposed a couple of weeks later and she did not accept because she was so frustrated that he had to lose her in order to realize she was ''the one''. She is now very happily married to another man who is head over heels for her. The lesson here is that when you keep your own needs in mind and give YOURSELF the FREEDOM to choose your own future, you will always come out on top).


ETA: That was a REALLY long story, haha.

It is your story that I have read over, and over on this board. Although I won''t hold my breath (being realistic), I hope my ex will follow a similar path that your husband did. I was so sure that with his father''s death last that he started valuing family and relationships more -- life is just too short. We got closer and closer and it seemed he was thinking ahead. He even mentioned kids with me and moving closer to his dad''s family only to tell me two weeks later that that would never, ever happen.

And that little tidbit is what gives me a grain (tiny, tiny grain) of hope. That he was actually thinking about it, and the reality that it could happen was too frightening (hence the 180). I do think that he was toying with the idea. But giving me hope like that and then crushing me-- that was too much to bear. And I told him that. It was unfair for him to talk about kids with me as a possibility and then say never. I''m not playing that game, my feelings are valid and valuable and not to be played with. And that''s part of why I left (other than his "never ever ever" statement). I do think that he needs to figure things out on his own. Whether he decides he wants to settle down (with me or someone else along the line) or not... I think that it will be easier with me gone.

Your story is inspiring, beautiful, and sad. I''m sorry that you both had to go through all of that- even though it was necessary. You are obviously a very strong, smart woman. It''s good he realized that you were a gem he should hold on to. And more, that you both are still so happy with the outcome

 

[NewEnglandLady]

You are too sweet. When it comes to relationships and being in limbo I firmly believe that leaving opens up the doors for you to determine your own future. I also believe that a woman doesn't get to that point until she's very overcooked--I've seen so many women attempt to leave before they were really ready, only to get sucked back into the relationship with crumbs of hope. Or worse, leave in a desperate attempt to get a man to propose (this form of manipulation ALWAYS backfires). Those women who really are ready and do it for all the right reasons usually move on within 6 months. And every single woman I know (including myself) who has been in your shoes has said "why didn't I do it sooner?"

You are a very strong woman and you just keep looking toward your bright future. Don't get wrapped up in what he was thinking or if there is a chance it could still work out--all of that is irrelevant now. Your focus is on yourself and staying as healthy and positive as you can. There will be bumps in the road, and we are all here for support. Your friend and family will be instrumental in helping you through this and I know there will be a day when you wake up and realize that you are a new, stronger, happier woman.

 

[janinegirly]

NEL has the best persepctive on this since she went though something similar and was v. strong through it all. She also had a happy ending, but this is not alwayas the case.

It is so hard having to go through a break up in hopes the person will wake up and realize what he is losing--but sometimes things go the opposite way and it's what he actually wants (to break up). This is a hard realization pill to swallow. Even though you feel you know his issues and could work through it with him, he has to want to do that and it doesn't seem like he's at that point--or he may very well have additional issues you are not aware of.

I'm glad you are hanging tough on this--I think taking some time to rebuild yourself and then gain some happiness in your indepedence is the best route for now.Will he come back..maybe, but maybe not. You may also want to limit contact. I went throgh a break up once (not as serious as your relationship) where the guy constantly called me to "talk" and I was so sure this meant he missed me / wanted me back. I eventually realized he was using this contact to help get over me!! Great for him, lousy for me. Another thing to realize is sometimes when you are breaking ties with someone you care for, the mind plays tricks and makes you think he was the perfect match...never going to find someone else. I promise you this is not true.

Not trying to be a downer---I just am giving a different perspective. You're are being very strong and rational about it all, which is going to get you through it in the end. Venting here is a big help too.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 11/17/2009 3:15:43 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
You are too sweet. When it comes to relationships and being in limbo I firmly believe that leaving opens up the doors for you to determine your own future. I also believe that a woman doesn''t get to that point until she''s very overcooked--I''ve seen so many women attempt to leave before they were really ready, only to get sucked back into the relationship with crumbs of hope. Or worse, leave in a desperate attempt to get a man to propose (this form of manipulation ALWAYS backfires). Those women who really are ready and do it for all the right reasons usually move on within 6 months. And every single woman I know (including myself) who has been in your shoes has said ''why didn''t I do it sooner?''

You are a very strong woman and you just keep looking toward your bright future. Don''t get wrapped up in what he was thinking or if there is a chance it could still work out--all of that is irrelevant now. Your focus is on yourself and staying as healthy and positive as you can. There will be bumps in the road, and we are all here for support. Your friend and family will be instrumental in helping you through this and I know there will be a day when you wake up and realize that you are a new, stronger, happier woman.

Well said, NEL.

CSL, I just wanted to wish you the best and let you know that we''re here for strength and support when you need it! (((HUGS)))