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Thoughts on Acceptance

Jambalaya

Ideal_Rock
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Do you find acceptance easy? I never have, and as a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever experienced true acceptance, until now. It's a real letting go, and a sense of relief that you did your best, and a surety that the given situation isn't your fault.

The last 2-3 weeks have been brutal. I won't go into details. Over the holidays, seeing extended family members for drinks and listening to the things they say. They are very, very, very intolerant, and also negative about almost everybody. My mother's side of the family were absolutely delightful, my grandfather, both great-aunts, and my mother. They're all long since passed on now.

For the first time, I've really accepted that my mother's side is gone and isn't coming back (they used to dilute the others) and I've stopped wishing and longing for things to be the way they were. At Christmas especially, it's hard not to remember when they were all alive and even the Nasties ended up smiling when faced with the collective loveliness of my mother's side. But I've accepted that my remaining family these days is the way it is, that I can't expect anything of them, and that they are no reflection on me.

It is SUCH a relief! It's taken me a long time to get here, and in my experience acceptance isn't something you decide to do, it's something which comes upon you when you're ready.

Do you also find that there are some things in life which just don't seem to be destined for you, no matter how hard you try to get them? There are other fantastic things that have fallen into my lap, and I don't want to go into them here as it might seem boastful, but I've been seriously blessed in a few departments. However, there are certain things I am just not destined for, and I've accepted that, too. Along with not having a pleasant and respectful family anymore, I could never have romantic weekends away or romantic gifts. Even when I was young and weighed 108 pounds and I dated/married, I was never given flowers, jewelry, underwear, or a weekend away by any man. It just never happened in my life. For whatever reason, I have always dated men who never gave me treats, even though they were warm-hearted and seemed very keen on me. I wouldn't have thought about treats or expected them, only that I would see other women getting these things. It seemed quite common for women to get gifts of flowers, underwear and jewelry, or get whisked on weekends away. So, about three years ago I was dating and decided to book a night with him at a wonderful hotel I'd always wanted to stay at, ignoring the fact I'd had to book it myself. It was going to be very romantic. Except there was a fire and we had to stay in a Travelodge.

I am also never going to have great hair.

So that's it. No nice family, nice hair, or romantic treats for me. I'm not complaining - I have plenty of other things that others may struggle to obtain - it goes both ways. But I'm just wondering if there are things in others' lives that are just bugbears, which seem out of reach, and if they have accepted it.

Sorry for rambling, I'm just experiencing the stirrings of real acceptance for the first time, and I'm quite enamored by it. It's so relaxing and such a relief. I think the key is that you really and truly don't expect anything with regards to whatever it is. And once that happens, you really stop thinking about the given situation.

So, have you ever experienced true acceptance? Could you make it happen, or did you have to wait for it to come upon you by itself? I'd like to hear others' thoughts on the topic of acceptance, and what things they have had to accept. And also how it felt. I've described the reassuring depth of the acceptance that I'm experiencing, but I wonder how others experience acceptance.
 

Gem Queen

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I understand what you're saying. Let 's think about this for a little while.
I'll bet you are self-confident and people think that you don't require that. Maybe.
I see a lot of women that do get that kind of attention. I have a girlfriend that is that girl. Men would buy her gifts blah. blah. blah.
I think she demanded it and played on that kind of thing. I did have my share of attention, but not to her degree... but I didn't demand gifts and whine about anything. I was just too proud and I always was secure with myself enough to know that that attention like that, Jewelry, etc, I could buy it myself, is not everything.
This is what my girlfriend would say. But you have all these other gifts and you can take care of yourself.
for me, not you, I just learned you don't get everything you want in life. I bet you're truly the winner and you don't even know it.
 

kenny

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Jamb, you sound like a really really wonderful person who was raised in a really crappy and shallow world.
As we mature, if we are paying attention (and you are) we find out that things are not how we were taught they should be.

Reading your posts I admire that you are on this path of self discovery and growth.
Becoming our true selves is a lonely journey, but it is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
 

Gypsy

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Very well said Kenny.


Jambalaya, ((HUGS)). Acceptance is a hard thing, but its a good thing too. A definite gift of maturity.
 

AGBF

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Jambalaya-I am glad that you got some thoughtful responses that reflected on your situation. I am sitting here at the computer, sick as a dog. I haven't been on Pricescope for more than five minutes in days because the Christmas holidays wore me down so much that I got sick. So I have been in bed, not even able to sit up. (I don't have a laptop.) I'm reading this in the middle of the night.

I tried to think of where I fit in on this spectrum, as Gem_Queen did. Did i get jewelry? Flowers? Underwear? (Would I have wanted underwear? Oh, I did get a negligee set, once!) Get taken for weekends? And I realized that I had nagged my way to most of the above. (Not the negligee set.) (Well, not the flowers, either.) My husband would never have taken me to an expensive hotel or bought me an expensive (read semi-expensive by Pricescope standards) piece of jewelry without extensive nagging!!! Is that romance? Not in my book! I was hardly whisked away by by an elegant suitor who was wooing me and wanted to shower me with luxury because he desired me so much and had to have me for his own!

I was telling this man who needed me that I needed/wanted/should be able to have the right to go to a certain hotel or have a certain ring.

It really wasn't the stuff of fairytales!!! ;))

Deb :wavey:

PS-I bought all my diamonds myself. Except for the two 1 point ones inside the yellow gold nest of my engagement ring and the several ten pointers in one anniversary band I nagged my husband into buying me early in our marriage.

PPS-Below is the nicest hotel into which I nagged myself: The Hotel Byblos in St. Tropez. My husband and I were going to Italy with our five year-old daughter and decided to drive to the South of France. We stayed there for a couple of days.

hotel-byblos.jpg
 

Gem Queen

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Agbf, I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I love your insight into yourself. I've always said, "if I have to beg for it, it's not worth it."
My husband is the most caring and compassionate man I know. He is there for me in every way. He is not as driven as I am, therefore we are way different. Like I said earlier, you don't get everything you want in life. Do you chose the very rich one, with whom you would never, eve,r have to work and travel the world with this person while he is suffocating you, and you would never, ever be the woman you are or have the relationships with the people you have in your life? I will take my husband, who lives for me, knows when I am upset or not, just by the way I walk through the door and does everything for me... let's me be me and know that I am absolutely loved. I do buy a lot of jewelry on my own. but that's the way I want it. (you know how we are.)

I work at a courthouse. I have told him never to send me flowers at work. I don't need to prove to everyone how much he adores me.
What a waste of $100. I think people hear what your relationship is by the way you talk about your mate.
Am I still on the same subject? It's funny, he will want to go to a nice hotel, once in a while, not so much anymore, I will say, "that's way too much money." We live a mile from the beach. We have a medium-sized house and no one else lives there. I think that $500 can go to the house payment.

Growing up on welfare makes you think differently. When we married, we were house poor. He always said, "if I was rich, I would shower you with jewels." He was also married once before me. I said, "you used to buy Janet jewelry." he said, "I did. I bought her pretty little pearls and pretty little pieces. You would never wear that. You like pieces that come from the Queen's jewels." He's right. On and on I go.
The other thing I was thinking, when I did have someone that wanted to sweep me away, it was never the person that I wanted to sweep me away. I would never go just to go. I am happy with my simple little life.
When it's all said and done, all you have is love.
 

ihy138

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I have never experienced true acceptance, but I'm working on it. I am coming to accept that I will never be wealthy, a beauty queen, or the smartest person in the room. I am accepting that my life will be decidedly...average. There will always be someone better, smarter, faster, richer. I am becoming okay with this - no easy feat for a perfectionist. I have always needed to be a great student, because I was well aware that I'm not surpassing others based on my looks or bank account! I am working on loving where I am living (a lovely 2-bedroom apartment with tons of charm) rather than focusing on the mansion my friend just bought. Comparison is the thief of joy, and all that. Worrying about these silly things is futile. We all end up in the same place.

For what it's worth, my husband is the sweetest man on the planet. However, I have accepted that he will NEVER surprise me and whisk me away to a romantic weekend. I am the planner. It is the way it will always be, and we no longer fight about it because I know that we have different strengths. It's freeing to realize that.

ETA: Love your ideas gemqueen.
 

Jambalaya

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Thanks for the kind remarks, everybody - most unexpected.

AGBF - that looks like a pretty hotel.

Still recovering from my dad's nasty side of the family over Xmas. Still, that is the V/S's for you - always have been like that, always will be like that. (Their last names begin with V and S). Interestingly, we have all the family history and we know they were a nasty lot going back three generations - I knew two of those generations myself. I dread to think what that line was like even further back. Anyway, we all have our crosses to bear in life and my mother's nice side is gone, and sadly it's the VS line that has proliferated, not her line. And that's the way it is.

I wonder if people who had really wonderful childhoods have some downsides to that, too. Like, the outside world being a real shock, or like not being able to spot a bad person at fifty paces. My mother's family were so wonderful I think she didn't know what hit her when she met my dad's family. It was like an innocent lamb wandering into a pack of wolves and expecting everybody to be friends. What's also interesting is that various V/S family members married people who were abusive, too, and that continues to this day in the story of my cousin and her abusive husband, discussed in another thread.

I am so happy I live far away from the worst members. You know, with acceptance comes a type of wry humor. Instead of being upset that they're not like my mom's family, it's actually quite funny to see and hear them playing absolutely to type. They are nothing if not predictable. I can laugh and say, "What a God-awful lot! I'm so blessed I'm not like them!"

Yeah, the lack of romance. Oh, well. It's almost funny, too, how you can count on certain things to be always the same. Whether I'm in a relationship or not, the romance quota in my life stays the same!!

I'm having a romantic relationship with myself, though. I buy myself lots of jewelry! :D

ETA: The idea that many women receive these things because they have asked for it is a new idea for me. I never thought of that.
 

Jambalaya

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kenny|1451339699|3967551 said:
Jamb, you sound like a really really wonderful person who was raised in a really crappy and shallow world.
As we mature, if we are paying attention (and you are) we find out that things are not how we were taught they should be.

Reading your posts I admire that you are on this path of self discovery and growth.
Becoming our true selves is a lonely journey, but it is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.

Ain't that the truth. Because once you really begin sorting out just how disrespectful and uncaring of you some people are, you don't bother with them at all, ever again. Which is a positive thing, but in most people's lives it's not as if pleasant, respectful, and caring people just magically appear to plug those gaps immediately, so it does leave a lonely space. But I'd rather a lonely space which is at least peaceful than a space which is full, but full with insults and hurtful acts.
 

AGBF

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Jambalaya|1451499819|3968518 said:
The idea that many women receive these things because they have asked for it is a new idea for me. I never thought of that.

;))

Deb
:saint:
 

december-fire

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Jambalaya,

I hesitate to response because there is so much I want to say to you, and I can be rather long-winded. I'll try to be brief.

Sometimes the big house, fancy cars, 'romantic' gestures, etc., can simply be veneer.
It doesn't mean the individuals have the perfect lives.
They might be drowning in debt, fighting poor health, putting on an act to hide an unhappy relationship.

Don't be envious of what you see on the surface.
What lies beneath can be quite a different story. (Insert the theme from Jaws :lol: )

Your value is not determined by comparing yourself to others.
Its also not dependent upon checking off boxes such as 'married', 'children', etc.

And, on the matter of being lonely, the loneliest period of my life was during my first marriage.

Cutting loose negative, hurtful people from your life is like de-cluttering your home.
It makes your environment more calm and peaceful.
It turns off the noisy static in your life.
A person isn't entitled to make your life miserable because they share your DNA or are related through marriage.

I don't think your mother or her side of your family are truly gone.
Their kindness, considerate and understanding clearly live on in you.

Take some time to look within yourself at all the wonderful values and qualities you possess.
Too often, people look outside of themselves for what matters or what will make them happy.

Extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never think to look.
~Unknown

Look inside yourself.
Be proud of the wonderful person you are, and pat yourself on the back for continuing to learn and grow as an individual.
You don't know what your future holds.
But I'm sure you know that great hair doesn't make a great person.

Oh my goodness! I wrote a novel! Sorry. :oops:
Hugs
 

AGBF

Super_Ideal_Rock
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december-fire|1451507209|3968591 said:
Oh my goodness! I wrote a novel! Sorry.

Gee, december-fire, don't be sorry. Its a good novel. If it were in print, I'd ask my library to buy a copy. There's a lot of wisdom in it!

Big hugs,
Deb
 

Jambalaya

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Thank you, December-Fire. I forgot to respond. It's OK, I'm fine with never having great hair etc.

It must be nice to have great hair - by which I mean very thick and swishy - but it's probably a lot of work, too. My thick-haired friend only washes hers once a week as it takes so long to dry.

See. That's acceptance. :D
 
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