Thoughts and opinions on hiring a house keeper.

[Lookinagain]

Well I think if you’d rather do nothing or go to the beach that’s your answer. And on a side note, if he is only home once every 3 weeks to mow the grass then maybe only clean once every three weeks

 

[Lookinagain]

Also, I like work and do not seek to avoid it.

this made me laugh. I don't avoid WORK either. And I get paid for that. House cleaning for some of us isn't work. It is drudgery.
For some people that means cooking is work. I love to cook, so cooking dinner isn't a chore at all. Others might actually get satisfaction from cleaning, and that works for them. But if the OP hates cleaning, then the fact that her partner does the cooking, which he might truly enjoy, isn't a trade off at all. He does something he enjoys while she is supposed to do something she dislikes.

 

[chrono]

He does this

He is home every 3 weeks so he cuts the grass once every 3 weeks? We cut ours twice a week or it'll be a jungle out there. Who is doing it in between every 3 weeks?

 

[yssie]

He is home every 3 weeks so he cuts the grass once every 3 weeks? We cut ours twice a week or it'll be a jungle out there. Who is doing it in between every 3 weeks?

Same thought... Three weeks of unfettered spring grass growth = 5 hours of unclogging the mower...

 

[monarch64]

That’s a bit extreme

It may be extreme. I find life is too short to beat around the bush and not just say what I’m thinking. Your post has red flags all over it. If you’re happy with such a one-sided relationship, good for you I guess. I wouldn’t live with someone who was out of town doing who knows what 75% of the time and came back expecting a perfectly kept house when a. I wasn’t even married to him yet, b. he wouldn’t “allow” me to pay someone to help me achieve this perfection, and c. I felt it might be necessary to omit the truth and just not tell him I hired help. But you do you, girl.

 

[SandraLynn]

It may be extreme. I find life is too short to beat around the bush and not just say what I’m thinking. Your post has red flags all over it. If you’re happy with such a one-sided relationship, good for you I guess. I wouldn’t live with someone who was out of town doing who knows what 75% of the time and came back expecting a perfectly kept house when a. I wasn’t even married to him yet, b. he wouldn’t “allow” me to pay someone to help me achieve this perfection, and c. I felt it might be necessary to omit the truth and just not tell him I hired help. But you do you, girl.

Wow, doing who knows what. He works on a boat and works his ass off delivering raw materials that you and I need to live our every day life.

You know what, this is the internet and I respect your opinion but my post in no way shape or forms is a relationship breaking issue. My fiancé is an amazing man who comes home , rubs my feet, scratches my back and does a lot for me, is a faithful man, we just have a big house that I’m not use to. And absolutely he should come home to a clean house.

 

[SandraLynn]

I’m really shocked at some of the responses honestly.

 

[pearlsngems]

I have no issue with who does the cleaning, how well it is or isn't cleaned, or who pays for it. All of that is negotiable and different couples will come up with different answers.

I do have a big issue with lying about it. Lies of omission are still lies.

Love is built on trust, and trust is built on honesty.
You are not even married yet, but you are already considering maintaining a deception about this relatively unimportant issue.
That makes me wonder why.

Do you feel there is an unequal power dynamic in this relationship (you being the one who feels less powerful)?
You don't have to answer here... just think about it.

 

[SandraLynn]

Our cleaners come once a week. They are my sanity.

Why doesn’t your partner want to hire help?

Your schedule sounds very demanding. So does his.

If he’d like the house to be magazine-ready he’s welcome to change his work to make sufficient time to stay home and clean as often as he’d like.

If he’s not going to do that, then he needs to be willing to pony up his fair share for hired help. Dumping that burden and those expectations on you is old-fashioned, and not in a good way.

I see what you’re saying and your approach was much better than telling me to get out of the relationship. Thanks for that. So, he’s cheap, frugal, was raised by an old school Cuban women who was basically a super hero and did it all but that’s not me and never will be. I’m in charge of a lot of people at work, it’s draining and I will never be fully domesticated which he likes because since he’s gone a lot , he needs someone who can hold their own.

 

[SandraLynn]

I have no issue with who does the cleaning, how well it is or isn't cleaned, or who pays for it. All of that is negotiable and different couples will come up with different answers.

I do have a big issue with lying about it. Lies of omission are still lies.

Love is built on trust, and trust is built on honesty.
You are not even married yet, but you are already considering maintaining a deception about this relatively unimportant issue.
That makes me wonder why.

Do you feel there is an unequal power dynamic in this relationship (you being the one who feels less powerful)?
You don't have to answer here... just think about it.

No, I do not. We have a great relationship. I’m not going to hide it from him it was just a thought to inspire different opinions because he and I don’t agree on this topic and I mentioned that it’s crossed my mind because I’m human.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Unfortunately when you ask for thoughts and opinions, you are going to get people who share ALL their thoughts and opinions even past what you specifically asked for.

Look, I am in a pretty “old fashioned” relationship in terms of gender roles and it works for us. He is not the neatest guy, has a tendency to leave things out and about, he has made huge strides but there is still stuff he “doesn’t see.” So it’s something I have accepted and learned to live with. If I could afford a cleaning service and get over my distrust of people then why not? If it improves quality of life and gives you some breathing room in the process, then great.

Something that helps me with threads where things get a little out of line, take what you need and leave the rest.

 

[SandraLynn]

Unfortunately when you ask for thoughts and opinions, you are going to get people who share ALL their thoughts and opinions even past what you specifically asked for.

Look, I am in a pretty “old fashioned” relationship in terms of gender roles and it works for us. He is not the neatest guy, has a tendency to leave things out and about, he has made huge strides but there is still stuff he “doesn’t see.” So it’s something I have accepted and learned to live with. If I could afford a cleaning service and get over my distrust of people then why not? If it improves quality of life and gives you some breathing room in the process, then great.

Something that helps me with threads where things get a little out of line, take what you need and leave the rest.

Thank you!! I do feel a bit attacked and as if people think I’m in some terrible relationship which is not the case but I get it, I opened the door. Lol

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Thank you!! I do feel a bit attacked and as if people think I’m in some terrible relationship which is not the case but I get it, I opened the door. Lol!

I get it, I’ve been on the receiving end a few times myself. Don’t let it get to you, you know your truth and the truth of your relationship and THAT is what matters not all this other noise.

 

[yssie]

@SandraLynn Your first few posts rang alarms in almost everyone who responded. Different decibels of alarms, maybe, but nearly all of us read something’s not right here. It’s very possible that’s just a miscommunication, context is always limited in a forum post, and none of us actually know you! But you’re getting the responses you’re getting for a reason, and you’re the only person who can decide if the reason is a simple “intent didn’t convey” or maybe more. I hope it is!

I was also raised by a frugal superwoman who did it all. House, child, and full time job. And I would never want my partner to have to do as much as my mum did, if we could avoid it.

 

[SandraLynn]

I really believe this is the case. I wanted to ask here because I know there are all walks of life and I thought I would get some good opinions. I was raised by my grandma who came to this country from Italy and if I ask her, she’d tell me to suck it up buttercup but that’s not what I wanted.

My fiancé is not a machismo. He does offer to help clean before he goes back to the boat but my pride and wanting him to feel happy to come home and not stressed with that on top of everything else won’t allow it. Maybe I should have said that but people just came for me. He spends 2 of his off days doing yard work, he gets on the roof to get leaves off. He’s such a hard worker. He has dinner for me when I get home from work, pours me a glass of wine and tells me to shower so he can rub my feet, sits with me while I’m taking a soak in the tub. He truly loves me. There has been a time where I told him I didn’t get the house as clean as usual because of working 10 days straight and he said “ we will do it together” but I dont want him to have to do everything. He works 6 hours on and 6 hours off when on the boat. I know he’s tired when he comes home

 

[yssie]

Time is everything. Get the cleaning help! And heck, get yard help and gutter help too. Try ‘em all, see what works for you. Nothing to lose!

 

[t_trove]

I tried a housekeeping service during a particularly busy period in our lives but cancelled after a few months. I felt like I was actually doing more housework in preparation for the service. It was also stressful for me to have to remember all the things I needed to lock away if I wasn’t going to be at home while they were here. And if I was at home while they were cleaning, I couldn’t help but feel incredibly lazy that I wasn’t cleaning my own house. Instead of removing stress from my life, it added a whole new layer!

I focus on the things that are non-negotiable (kitchen, bathrooms, laundry) and maintain those areas. If we clean up after ourselves daily in the kitchen and bathrooms, it’s easy-peasy.

There are a couple of other areas that I can’t stand to clean but will bug the shit out of me if they’re dirty. We have a very modern house with lots of floor-to-ceiling walls of glass, and I can’t handle looking at dirty, dusty windows. We do have a lawn service that comes weekly, and for some extra $, I have a couple of the guys clean the exterior of the glass. The interior side of the glass is my husband’s job.

As long as we maintain those areas, I’m strangely unbothered by the dust bunnies that free range across our floors and furniture. I wrangle those whenever friends come over.

We do a deep clean every year before decorating for Christmas. And before visits from my mother-in-law.

I want to mention that my cleaning routine (or more appropriately, non-routine) got a lot easier when I cut down on the amount of crap we have. It’s easier to clean a surface quickly when you don’t have to clean around a bunch of stuff.

Before this house, I used to feel like I needed a lot of decor to make it a house feel like a home, and all those knick knacks required a lot of dusting. Our house now has taught me all I need to be happy is great lighting and fixtures.

Apparently I’m in the mood to talk about cleaning tonight

 

[missy]

We are not in your relationship so no one can accurately evaluate your relationship imo. Everyone should do what works for them as a couple and not judge others. Personally that arrangement wouldn't work for me but I get that it works for you and that is all that matters.

My dh loves having a cleaning service (same cleaning service each time same people) come to our house. But since the pandemic I have said no that won't work anymore for me. So it has been a good three plus years and I know he wants the cleaning service back. My biggest hesitation is the cat issue. They are never as careful as we would be and come in and out of the doors without being super aware of the cats. We have four rescue cats and while they are scaredy cats in every sense of the word and probably would never run out the door I do not want to take that chance. Having said that I might start letting the service come back but not without concern. I always hated having strangers in my house and cleaning my stuff. But TBH I am not the best housekeeper in any sense of the word. I vacuum that is about it. My husband mops the floors and dusts and does most of the heavy lifting so to speak. As @MissGotRocks wisely wrote the best thing about having cleaning professionals is you must keep the house neat and clutter free. And that is/was my biggest downfall during the pandemic. I am not organized (wish I was) and it does not come naturally to me. So it's always a mad dash to de clutter when we have cleaning people coming lol. But that kept me honest if you kwim and the house was much better clutter wise pre pandemic when we had cleaning people than it was during the pandemic.

As for keeping finances separate it is none of anyone's business but since you brought it up I will share my thoughts on that. That would not work for us. To me if you keep finances separate it feels like a trust issue. Now that could be completely wrong in your case. Or not. But I have friends whose spouses all kept their finances separate and it was a recipe for disaster from my perspective. Usually because the partner was cheap and if you are cheap like that generally I find that same person is cheap with their emotions and care and support. In a successful relationship one does not keep score if you kwim. But again I could be completely wrong in your specific case. I only know what you are sharing with us and that is always one sided. And you know that quote...there are three sides to every relationship. Yours, his and the truth.

Does he own the house or is it in your name too? If it is just in his name and he is paying the mortgage you have no rights to the house. Something to consider. When my dh and I became engaged we bought a house together and it was in both of our names. Despite the fact it was only his name on the mortgage. So just as an example it was important to us that we owned everything together as a team. And when we became engaged that is when we merged everything. But again that is what worked for us and there is no one right way. It's what works for you. Just ask yourself is this working for you? And if so then you are good to go.

But please let me share one piece of advice. NEVER keep secrets. That makes a relationship unhealthy. Or is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. And if you are keeping secrets you can bet he is too. It is that simple. Secrets keep marriages sick. From my point of view. If you cannot share your thoughts and honest feelings with your husband to be think long and hard if this relationship will work long term.

And girl, if you want a cleaning person/crew do it. He is not the boss of you. You are an adult. And you should be able to discuss things like this with him without worry. And IMO consider merging finances so what is yours is his and what is his is yours and you are a team in this together. Good luck!

 

[Ionysis]

I work in a very demanding job. My husband doesn’t work AT ALL. We have a live in housekeeper / nanny / driver. She is my godsend, lifeline and angel.

Theoretically my husband should be doing the traditional wife role. We tried that for a couple of years. He isn’t capable or dependable enough for that. It made my life miserable. And he just ended up gradually outsourcing everything a bit at a time. A lady to iron. Lift shares to take the kids to school. Gardener to pop in a couple of times a month. Cleaners twice a week. Until he barely had any responsibilities at all. But was still apparently overwhelmed with the “stress” of having to “take care of everything”.

So I hired my housekeeper - who is effectively like my stay at home wife in her work remit! She drives the kids to and from activities, does washing and ironing, cleans, reminds me of what shopping I need, brushes the dogs, babysits and if I had to choose between her and my husband he had better watch out - I could cope without him!

For me I earn enough money to afford this help. It makes my life massively easier. Much less stress. I don’t want to spend my precious free time cleaning or stressing.

Do it!

 

[737liz]

I have a very low wage job. And I still have a cleaning lady 2 hours a week, who I pay pretty much the same hourly wage that I get. I leave everything out. Diamonds literally on the floor and in my bed. I am a bad PSer.

I have had 3 cleaners in my adult life and not once have they stolen anything. I have had to let previous cleaners go due to unreliability but never due to distrust. I employ one woman directy and that way it is always the same person year in year out who comes.

I am messy, so like other have said, it forces me to tidy up once a week for the cleaner, as I don't want to spend money of her arranging the couch cushions. I also make sure she is OK with tidying up on the weeks when my slovenly nature overwhelms me. One time she just said that she only did the kitchen and floors because I left too much out for her to tidy and clean in 2 hours. It happens. But you have to make sure the cleaner is OK with it. Some don't want to do your laundry because it's not straight cleaning.

If your partner has a trust issue regarding potential theft, the odds of that are negligible. If he just doesn't like the idea of someone poking around his things, then you can lock some rooms up. Just having a cleaner do the bathrooms, kitchen, and living area would already be a huge help.

If he is particular about how to clean the house, have the new cleaner come when he is home. He can then clean the whole house WITH the cleaner. Showing which products and how to use them. My friend's mom would clean with the cleaner each time, because she was a stay at home mom who didn't want to be at home doing nothing while the cleaner cleaned around her. The side effect was that there were no trust issues and it was cleaned exactly to her liking.

Lastly, it seems you feel the pressure to keep the whole house clean but is that wat he expects of you? Everyone wants a clean house, but he might be just fine with a tidy somewhat dirty house. Or a messy but dust free house. What if you keep a few key areas clean for his arrival, and then he can do half a day's work cleaning the rest?

I think the wording of your original post sent alarm bells to anyone who has ever lost or sacrificed a bit of themselves to please a new partner. All our rather direct messages are from women and men who have probably experienced one or more unsustainable relationships. I hope my jumbled opinion and suggestions are taken as intended: to give you ideas and perspectives.

 

[monarch64]

Wow, doing who knows what. He works on a boat and works his ass off delivering raw materials that you and I need to live our every day life.

You know what, this is the internet and I respect your opinion but my post in no way shape or forms is a relationship breaking issue. My fiancé is an amazing man who comes home , rubs my feet, scratches my back and does a lot for me, is a faithful man, we just have a big house that I’m not use to. And absolutely he should come home to a clean house.

I’m going to press back here a little bit and ask how he “accidentally broke your finger” as you stated in another post in a different thread. As someone who has a good decade on you age-wise and has been through 2 marriages, alarm bells are ringing for me all over the places just with the limited information you’ve provided on this forum. If you need support, even if you don’t think you need it, I encourage you to speak with someone in real life so you don’t end up relinquishing your entire self to this guy. You left your apartment five minutes from your work to move into HIS house, now you have a 45 minute commute. Why are you making all the concessions in the relationship?

 

[Ally T]

I have read this whole thread & there is some fabulous advice in here, plus some other ‘bits’. Only you know what goes on behind closed doors & as long as you are true to yourself & happy, then that is nobody else business. And I appreciate you didn’t come here for relationship advice.

So back to the original topic. I am in the process of hiring a cleaner. This will be the first time in my life, at almost 50. I have always prided myself on my clean house & I enjoy the work, but on Saturday we are moving into our newly renovated, very old & very large house. There are 5 full on bathrooms , 5 bedrooms, several large reception rooms, dining room, office, attics & a kitchen extension so big that you could fit my current kitchen, lounge & dining room inside comfortably. Maybe my utility room too. I know already that keeping on top of the cleaning in this place will eventually start to drown me, as I have a husband, two kids, 2 very fluffy cats & we are getting a puppy at the end of the summer. I also work at a school & I am generally very busy.

My husband works long, long days & is very often away (also NOT doing who knows what ) but we share everything & are very much a team. I simply told him I was getting a cleaner about 6 months ago & that was the end of the conversation, a bit like when he told me at the same time that he’d hired someone to trim the boundary hedges across there on a regular basis because he couldn’t do it neatly enough, plus mowing over 1.2 acres of lawn & keeping the rest tidy is enough for us. I still intend to potter & expect I will have to vacuum in between weekly cleaning visits due to cats & girls with very long hair, but that’s ok - i enjoy cleaning.

I have many friends here who have a cleaning person & am interviewing a few next week. All highly recommended, trustworthy & reliable.

Do what works for you. And be open & honest. You don’t need to justify it to your partner if you feel it’s getting too much. That is justification in itself.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

As @Ally T said:

“I simply told him”

That’s it, that’s what you have to do sometimes

 

[Arcadian]

IMO Hire your cleaner, tell him you hired a cleaner. Live your life.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Opinions are just that - and everyone has one.

No one knows or understands your situation like you do. No one can tell you whether hiring a cleaning service is a good move for you. It seems as though the cleaning falls under your category in this relationship. You want to hire someone and pay for it to be done. Seems like a no brainer to me. I am assuming he doesn’t like the idea though I don’t know why. If the money isn’t coming out of his pocket, why does his opinion matter? Whether other people have them or not does not affect your situation one iota. You did ask for opinions though and many responded as everyone has to deal with the cleaning issue. Whether they do it themselves or hire out, everyone has to deal with it. You see it evokes response from many. The most tame threads can go off course so you have to accept that when asking for public opinion. Take out of it what applies to you and leave the rest behind. Having said that though, I again have to say that no one else’s opinion should affect your own decision.

 

[mom2dolls]

We have a gentleman come about every other month to deep clean. I work from home and cannot do it all myself. I had asked for help multiple times, however my kiddos and hubby were just not consistent. So, I asked friends and on our neighborhood app and was referred to our guy. He & his wife work together. They are fantastic. They have been cleaning our home for almost nine years.

My hubby wasn't a super fan of the idea in the beginning. Now he books him as a surprise when he knows we need it or I am just too tired.

Trust your gut. Talk with your fiance. I am sorry you have gotten so many horrible comments.

 

[SandraLynn]

Th

I have read this whole thread & there is some fabulous advice in here, plus some other ‘bits’. Only you know what goes on behind closed doors & as long as you are true to yourself & happy, then that is nobody else business. And I appreciate you didn’t come here for relationship advice.

So back to the original topic. I am in the process of hiring a cleaner. This will be the first time in my life, at almost 50. I have always prided myself on my clean house & I enjoy the work, but on Saturday we are moving into our newly renovated, very old & very large house. There are 5 full on bathrooms , 5 bedrooms, several large reception rooms, dining room, office, attics & a kitchen extension so big that you could fit my current kitchen, lounge & dining room inside comfortably. Maybe my utility room too. I know already that keeping on top of the cleaning in this place will eventually start to drown me, as I have a husband, two kids, 2 very fluffy cats & we are getting a puppy at the end of the summer. I also work at a school & I am generally very busy.

My husband works long, long days & is very often away (also NOT doing who knows what ) but we share everything & are very much a team. I simply told him I was getting a cleaner about 6 months ago & that was the end of the conversation, a bit like when he told me at the same time that he’d hired someone to trim the boundary hedges across there on a regular basis because he couldn’t do it neatly enough, plus mowing over 1.2 acres of lawn & keeping the rest tidy is enough for us. I still intend to potter & expect I will have to vacuum in between weekly cleaning visits due to cats & girls with very long hair, but that’s ok - i enjoy cleaning.

I have many friends here who have a cleaning person & am interviewing a few next week. All highly recommended, trustworthy & reliable.

Do what works for you. And be open & honest. You don’t need to justify it to your partner if you feel it’s getting too much. That is justification in itself.

Thank you for everything you said. I appreciate you taking the time.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

this made me laugh. I don't avoid WORK either. And I get paid for that. House cleaning for some of us isn't work. It is drudgery.
For some people that means cooking is work. I love to cook, so cooking dinner isn't a chore at all. Others might actually get satisfaction from cleaning, and that works for them. But if the OP hates cleaning, then the fact that her partner does the cooking, which he might truly enjoy, isn't a trade off at all. He does something he enjoys while she is supposed to do something she dislikes.

at the end of the day at work i dont mind the cleaning, if a late customer comes in and walks on my newly swept or washed floor i dont mind -because im getting paid for it
but at home i hate every moment
i would love to be able to afford to hire someone to do the bathroom and the floors
but im way too mean to pay for something i can do myself
perhaps in the next life

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

You stated you could afford it and that your downtime is valuable. Sounds like you've already made your decision.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Mreader]

Our cleaners come once a week. They are my sanity.

Why doesn’t your partner want to hire help?

Your schedule sounds very demanding. So does his.

If he’d like the house to be magazine-ready he’s welcome to change his work to make sufficient time to stay home and clean as often as he’d like.

If he’s not going to do that, then he needs to be willing to pony up his fair share for hired help. Dumping that burden and those expectations on you is old-fashioned, and not in a good way.

This. I haven’t read all the replies yet and I’m sorry if I sound like a Carolyn Hax or other advice columnist right now, but your message sent up some red flags. But the fact that he doesn’t want to hire help when your jobs are so demanding, that you are considering it but hiding it from him, that you feel like he shouldn’t be responsible for any cleaning…I don’t know. I hope I’m overreacting! But there may be an issue more deeply rooted than house cleaning here.