Thoughts and opinions on hiring a house keeper.

[SandraLynn]

I was wanting to know what everyone’s thoughts are on hiring a cleaning service. My fiancé works out of town for 3 weeks at a time, then he comes home for 10 days. I work full time ( plus) and my schedule is hectic. I go back and forth between morning, mid, and night shift. I can work all three shifts In one week, every week. we have a 4 bedroom 3 bathroom house that’s about 2,500 sf……2 living rooms, high ceilings, lots of tile , and lots of dusting to do.

I’ll add that before I moved into his house, his brother who does short term rentals for his business was renting out our house while my fiancé was gone, so it was being detail cleaned often so my fiancé is used to the house looking like a magazine.

I find it mentally taxing to keep up with the house sometimes. When I do get a day off, I don’t want to spend it cleaning but I like to make sure everything is perfect when he comes home so he can relax and come home to a clean house. He is a bit old fashioned and doesn’t want to me to hire a cleaning service but we keep our finances separate and I’d be paying for it. I was thinking about hiring someone to do a monthly clean so that stress of making sure things a perfect can be lifted from me. Would it be bad to just not tell him or should I try talking to him again. Or am I just being lazy.


would love anyone’s opinion.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Call me cynical but I do not trust anyone in my house. Even if the jewelry and valuables are locked up, even if they come highly recommended, it’s a hard no.

That said, plenty of people here have used a cleaning service and had positive experiences, so hopefully they will weigh in too,

 

[finerthings]

I think it's fine that you are considering a house cleaning service as your schedule sounds very demanding. (I've only used one once in my life, but I seriously would like to do again!) I do think you should talk with your fiance about this though - keeping secrets is never a good idea. Tell him just what you wrote here. Good luck!

 

[pearlsngems]

I think it's vital to be open with your fiancé. If you want to hire cleaners, do it, but tell him why.

If he still balks at hiring the cleaner, then I guess the cleaning job will become his to do. That should cure him.

 

[SandraLynn]

I think it's fine that you are considering a house cleaning service as your schedule sounds very demanding. (I've only used one once in my life, but I seriously would like to do again!) I do think you should talk with your fiance about this though - keeping secrets is never a good idea. Tell him just what you wrote here. Good luck!

I agree with not keeping it from him but it’s crossed my mind. I don’t know why he cares if I’m paying for it But men can be weird sometimes. Also, the biggest month of the year is coming up at my job and I’m going to be working 12-16 hour days sometimes, until it’s over. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but I also commute 45 minutes each way since we live together now. Before then, I lived 5 minutes from my job.

 

[lala646]

Just remember that your time has value. I'm sure you have more pressing matters to attend to in your time off than just dusting the house. It's so commonplace where I live to have a cleaner, I can honestly count on one hand the folks in my friend circle who don't.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Life is too short to clean! If you're comfortable with having someone over and you can afford it, go for it!!!

I'd have a chat with your fiancee about housekeeping expectations on both sides though so you can work out something that's agreeable and reasonable for both parties. My hubby is a neat freak. I'm a grub and the 10yo is a super grub who currently has melted cheesewax on his bedroom floor. All three of us have had to make concessions for each other!

 

[SandraLynn]

Life is too short to clean! If you're comfortable with having someone over and you can afford it, go for it!!!

I'd have a chat with your fiancee about housekeeping expectations on both sides though so you can work out something that's agreeable and reasonable for both parties. My hubby is a neat freak. I'm a grub and the 10yo is a super grub who currently has melted cheesewax on his bedroom floor. All three of us have had to make concessions for each other!

I love this!! Thank You!! I’m not naturally the cleanest person and I’m proud of the fact that I have been better because of our relationship. It does feel good. When you have someone else’s feelings to think about, it pushes you to be better. I will add, I do not want to put any cleaning requirements on him because he also works very hard and I’m the one here most of the time so that doesn’t make sense, expecting him to clean a house he hasn’t lived in for 3 weeks. He does the cooking while he is home and off for 10 days, he loves to cook and doesn’t see it as a chore. We clean up together.

 

[Lookinagain]

You aren't being lazy. It sounds like you work a lot. Since he doesn't participate in the cleaning, then it would seem to me, so long as you find a trustworthy cleaning person, that you should be able to hire someone to help with what seems to be your responsibility and not his. Of course, I would let him know that you are doing this and make sure to let him see the references so that he feels comfortable with who is coming into the house. I had a cleaning person ever since I was in graduate school many moons ago. Even when one moved, they would always give me the name of their sister, cousin, etc. So it was always a member of the same family since the 1980's. Then last year, the most recent one moved and there wasn't another family member to take over. I hate the fact that I'm doing all the cleaning myself but am about to retire so I should have time to do it myself. However, if I don't like that situation, I will definitely look for someone new. Maybe get recommendations from your neighbors or friends as to a reliable person, or hire a company where the employees are bonded and insured?

 

[dk168]

I dislike housework and when I moved into my own house, one of the first thing I did was to hire a cleaner.

Research and vet as much as you can, to request for references and be able to contact the referees etc. etc...

Check also for their own insurance.

Probably less stressful to engage the services of a reputable vendor, so that they can provide holiday/sickness cover etc...

Yes there are risks associated with letting strangers into one's house, however, one has to weigh up the pros and cons to suit one's needs!

DK

 

[marymm]

IMO you both should equally share the cost of the housekeeper.

My opinion would change if you two have already fairly divided the household responsibilities and you alone are responsible for house-cleaning -- if that is the case, then out of respect you would notify your partner that you are choosing to augment the daily cleaning you do yourself with a once-a-month deep-clean by a housecleaning company on your dime, and that you will be present at the house during that service.

Either way, perhaps first check into the cleaning company your brother-in-law had used when the house was operated as a short-term rental since that was deemed acceptable for the house.

 

[stracci2000]

It seems like keeping the house clean for the BF is setting you up for lots of pressure once you two are married.

I also wouldn't want anyone coming into my house, and touching my stuff!
Between the both of us we keep the house reasonable clean.
DH and I have many artistic interests, and our 3 secondary bedrooms are art spaces. You can't really clean those rooms, except for vacuuming the floor anyway.

 

[Cerulean]

You jointly live in the house and accumulate stuff, right? Jointly pay. But financially dividing things is very personal.

But I will say, pay for a service…it’s worth every penny. I’d prefer every other week, but we settled on 1x a month and he loves it so much once it’s deep cleaned!

We got a referral from neighbors so we could trust the service. DO IT!!!! I will never look back

 

[kenny]

I'd never let a stranger into my house to roam freely, unattended.
Never.

I have allowed people like plumbers in to do work that I cannot do, but I never leave them unattended.

YMMV.

Our house is not as clean as I'd like it to be, but we keep the bathroom and kitchen very clean for health reasons.
A relevant factor ... my DH and I are both extreme introverts who never bring friends into our house.
We strongly prefer it this way.
Another benefit: it reduces or eliminates anxiety of being judged for thinking for ourselves rather than conforming to unnecessary social expectation.

Also, I like work and do not seek to avoid it.

 

[yssie]

Our cleaners come once a week. They are my sanity.

Why doesn’t your partner want to hire help?

Your schedule sounds very demanding. So does his.

If he’d like the house to be magazine-ready he’s welcome to change his work to make sufficient time to stay home and clean as often as he’d like.

If he’s not going to do that, then he needs to be willing to pony up his fair share for hired help. Dumping that burden and those expectations on you is old-fashioned, and not in a good way.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I'm very open with my spouse (as he is with me), I'd be more than happy to let him know that his "expectations" are just not in line with reality. A cleaner can be hired which could be jointly paid for or a "welcome home cleaning party" could happen when he gets home. But that's me and I'm not one to just appease someone

 

[seaurchin]

I think there's room for compromise here. And I've be very concerned if fiance refused to compromise. Because sometimes "old fashioned" is a euphemism for "misogynistic." If I didn't feel like a full and equal partner, I think it would make me feel too awful to want to stay. We only see a little piece of a whole relationship here though, so I realize that may not apply at all.

Anyway, when I had a cleaner, I made a couple of changes in my home first and also did a couple of things before and after she arrived each time. Some ideas:

Keep valuables out of sight. (Remembering that others can hear about what you own just by innocent chit chat).

Put small valuables in a home safe.

Put a lock on one closet door and use closet for larger valuables, or even a room. Move the items in before the cleaner's monthly visit and out afterwards.

Look for an established, independent cleaner, if possible. Then you have one new person coming into your home whereas a service can send a lot of different people, who you don't know.

Have cleaner come only when you are home.

Have fiance cut back on cooking and help clean more instead.

If husband refuses to compromise on how you get the job done, tell him he'll have to take over that job himself then.

Trade chores, where you cook and he cleans.

Stand over him while he's cooking and tell him how he needs to do it lol.

Make the job easier/smaller by clearing out and shutting down some rooms, if any aren't used much.

Make the job easier/smaller by moving to a smaller home.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Honestly, I find it a bit one sided that he likes and wants the house clean - as long as you are doing it. You are willing to hire someone and pay them but he may not like it?

First and foremost, do not lie or cover up what you are doing. In a marriage that hasn’t happened yet, not a good precedent to set. Tell him how you feel and what you are proposing. If he doesn’t like the idea, ask him what his plan would be. Your time at work is just as valuable as his and please don’t lose sight of that.

I am a bit of a clean freak and have always done my own cleaning. I prefer it done my way and don’t want anyone else in the house doing it. I worked full time for years and raised my kids but I still did all the cleaning. However, it was entirely my choice as I preferred to do it and would rather spend the money on other things. That is my take on it but know many that have hired help. Again, personal choice, and there is no right or wrong answer. Only what is right for the two of you. Just don’t assume that it is only your responsibility; tell him that decisions need to be made regarding this issue like every other issue that arises. You sound hard pressed for time and not loving the idea of spending your free time cleaning house. I get it - some folks hate the job and resent the time and effort it takes. Just don’t be pigeonholed into a choice that only works for one of you.

 

[SandraLynn]

You jointly live in the house and accumulate stuff, right? Jointly pay. But financially dividing things is very personal.

But I will say, pay for a service…it’s worth every penny. I’d prefer every other week, but we settled on 1x a month and he loves it so much once it’s deep cleaned!

We got a referral from neighbors so we could trust the service. DO IT!!!! I will never look back

I will respond to everyone eventually but for those asking, he pays the mortgage and I pay utilities for the house. I pay my own car payment, car insurance, phone bill and any other personal debts and he pays his own too.

 

[SandraLynn]

Honestly, I find it a bit one sided that he likes and wants the house clean - as long as you are doing it. You are willing to hire someone and pay them but he may not like it?

First and foremost, do not lie or cover up what you are doing. In a marriage that hasn’t happened yet, not a good precedent to set. Tell him how you feel and what you are proposing. If he doesn’t like the idea, ask him what his plan would be. Your time at work is just as valuable as his and please don’t lose sight of that.

I am a bit of a clean freak and have always done my own cleaning. I prefer it done my way and don’t want anyone else in the house doing it. I worked full time for years and raised my kids but I still did all the cleaning. However, it was entirely my choice as I preferred to do it and would rather spend the money on other things. That is my take on it but know many that have hired help. Again, personal choice, and there is no right or wrong answer. Only what is right for the two of you. Just don’t assume that it is only your responsibility; tell him that decisions need to be made regarding this issue like every other issue that arises. You sound hard pressed for time and not loving the idea of spending your free time cleaning house. I get it - some folks hate the job and resent the time and effort it takes. Just don’t be pigeonholed into a choice that only works for one of you.

Thank you , everyone is different. I would rather have the freedom to do nothing or randomly go to the beach than to have to clean. I can afford it!!

 

[monarch64]

Get out of that relationship now unless you want to be the hired help for the rest of your life. Lazy? Cannot believe you even thought for ONE second you might be considered lazy. This is 2023, just a reminder. You can do much better than mothering a grown adult.

 

[RMOO]

So I am curious: who cuts the lawn, trims the hedges, and takes care of all the home maintenance, etc?

 

[Roselina]

„… but I like to make sure everything is perfect when he comes home so he can relax and come home to a clean house. He is a bit old fashioned and doesn’t want to me to hire a cleaning service…“

I might misinterpret, but this sounds a bit alarming to me. It‘s nice that you want him to be able to relax in a clean house. On the other hand it sounds as he does not care for you to have the same privilege. Well, you do. I wouldn’t just call this attitude old fashioned. I might be totally wrong. At the end it’s just one tiny aspect of your relationship. But do make sure you two start into it well balanced, knowing each others expectation but also being equal partners. It‘s fundamental for a marriage. And do not hide things from him. Rather speak openly about how you feel about this.

 

[kgizo]

We’ve always used a housecleaner. It’s at least 6hrs a month so that’s like giving up one Sat afternoon a month. Ridiculous waste of time, especially when you are busy working. As others have said, be honest with him about it. Sounds like he was pleased with the prior service so hopefully you can hire that team again.

 

[lulu_ma]

I, like others, was a little alarmed with your fiancee’s resistance until you shared that he cooks when he is home.

Frankly, I would buy a safe, get recommendations and just tell your fiancee’ that you are hiring a cleaning co.

Personally, I didn’t have a cleaning person for the longest time, but now I love it. It’s worth every penny.

 

[Tonks]

I’m all about outsourcing anything that makes your life easier. Cleaning—for sure, if you can swing it financially, outsource it. Our cleaners come every other week. It is a sanity saver.

One of the huge benefits of cleaners is that they can’t clean a messy house. You have to put things away. It forces everyone to contain their mess (or at least to address it regularly). This may not seem lIke a big deal now, but if you have kids it becomes a huge deal. Especially with teenagers, they tend to explode. POOF. Stuff everywhere. It’s really kind of amazing.

Anyway, hire some cleaners. My only caveat would be to reconsider the whole who pays for it bit. If you’re living together that’s a joint expense. If you’re the only one paying for it, then I wonder if you are de facto considered the partner with the responsibility of keeping the house clean…which doesn’t seem at all fair if you both live there. Before you get married is a good time to figure out what both of your attitudes are towards traditional gender roles and allocation of labor.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Thank you , everyone is different. I would rather have the freedom to do nothing or randomly go to the beach than to have to clean. I can afford it!!

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! I have and have always had a cleaning schedule. It works for me without eating up all of my free time. I have friends that clean nothing - they hire it out. What works for one doesn’t work for another. If that is what you want to do, I think you should be free to make that choice.

 

[SandraLynn]

So I am curious: who cuts the lawn, trims the hedges, and takes care of all the home maintenance, etc?

He does this

 

[SandraLynn]

Get out of that relationship now unless you want to be the hired help for the rest of your life. Lazy? Cannot believe you even thought for ONE second you might be considered lazy. This is 2023, just a reminder. You can do much better than mothering a grown adult.

That’s a bit extreme

 

[Tonks]

He does this

That actually reminds me of one other thing I wanted to say—whatever you decide on cleaners doesn’t have to be what you do forever. Try it. If you like it, great. Maybe it takes a while to find the right people. Maybe you only want cleaners when it’s an especially busy season in your life. However you do it, do what works for you.

I was reminded when you said your fiancé does yard work, because my husband did all of ours for years. And then he hit a busy season where he just could not. I mean, he was still trying to but he was about to drop from exhaustion. So I got him a yard service for his birthday. We have changed service people several times since, but he still keeps a yard service.