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Those of you who have been or are in a long distance relationship

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LtlFirecracker

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 29, 2008
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4,837
I recently found out I am going to be in one
. We will be able to see each other because it is not a far flight from where we both are going to live, and we have the money to make the trips. But we are both sad about being apart for possibility a couple years.

So my question to all of you who are doing this or have done this in the past

How long were you apart?

What did you do to make it work?

What didn''t work?

How often did you see each other?

Any other advice you could share would be great.
 

blackpolkadot

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 4, 2008
Messages
495
How long were you apart? Almost 2 years

What did you do to make it work? Talked everyday, emailed, sent snail mail (it's always fun getting mail!)

How often did you see each other? We saw each other every other weekend-ish. (We spent lots of $$$!)

Any other advice you could share would be great.

It was hard, but so worth it. We had to trust each other a lot and be completely honest with one another. We also had to be careful when we were visiting each other because sometimes we would spend all our time together alone. It was important to us to find a balance between friends and each other even though we didn't see each other often.
We also talked everyday- even if it was 'Hey, I'm thinking about you. I love you. Goodnight.' And when we did see each other, sometimes we had small things for each other. I would take him his favorite donuts (his town didn't even have a donut shop!) or he would bring me a CD he knew I would like. We didn't do it everytime. But I remember every time he gave me something during those 2 years :)

Hope this helps!


ETA: Many times FI and I were the only two that had faith in our relationship, and that was hard. People told us we would never make it. Just don't listen to them and have faith in your relationship. Only you and your SO control it.
 

mommy2iz

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 26, 2008
Messages
568
spent 6 yrs long distance...did everything to keep it going - calling, emails, letters, frequent flyer miles out the wazzu. ended up happily married, so there is hope!
what didn''t work - not giving each other enough space to be individuals, not trusting one another, not speaking up or confronting issues asap.
also, be sure to allow time/patience for transition back together when separation ends. thinks are not likely to be exactly the same as they were before.
you can do it! best wishes!
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
My LDR was from Los Angeles to Adelaide, Australia.

How long were you apart? 2.5 years.

What did you do to make it work? Trust one another. We called probably once a week if we could. The time difference was a killer What didn''t work? requiring that we talk or touch base every day. It just wasn''t realistic for either of us and neither wanted that kind of "leash". We sent texts and emails when we could and arranged phone times, but it would have been tough if we didn''t trust one another because there were times when we were both so busy, we''d go two weeks without hearing each other''s voice.


How often did you see each other? We managed to only see each other 4 times in that 2.5 years with the longest stretch being 7 months, and that REALLY was not fun.


Any other advice you could share would be great. If you''re meant to be, it will work. Distance kills many relationships, unfortunately, and only the strongest survive. Take the time to cultivate relationships with friends instead of pining away for each other. It''s a wonderful time to live for you. If he doesn''t do things like write emails, send cards, etc when you live in the same place, don''t expect him to do it when he''s living far away. Yes, it''d be great if you both make more effort (because it''s needed) but base your expectations accordingly.

Good luck!
 

JulieN

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 25, 2005
Messages
13,329
Ex-bf and I were together for half a year before it went long distance. We were long-distance for basically 1.5 years before we broke up. We still aren't in the same city, but do see each other once in a very long while.

Being able to trust each other and doing what you say you will is like the most important thing, I think.

We broke up because of NT/NF death spiral, probably exacerbated by long-distance.

Generally, we saw each other about once every 2 months.
 

lovegem

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Dec 25, 2007
Messages
417
Our LD relationship was very similar to TG''s, except that we were able to call each other everyday. We talked on the phone couple times a day. Yes, trusting each other is the most crucial thing in a relationship, and it is even more so in a LD.
 

katamari

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 18, 2008
Messages
2,949
FI have spent 3 years apart and will likely have to spend a few years apart down the line due to our career decisions. We tried to see each other once every 2-3 weeks.

To make it work, we just learned to love the benefits of independence. We are also very open with one another and tell each other everything--like every time we started feeling stressed by the distance, needed to see each other, etc. we would talk through it. We also made sure, even though we wanted to see each other as much as possible, worked really hard to not see each other at common intervals, do the same things, spend the same amount of time with one another, etc. We really worked to keep our relationship from coming routinized. We are also very work-oriented and threw ourselves in our careers.

The hardest part was, honestly, making the time to see one another and not harboring resentment when one of us would have to cancel. It was also difficult to go to events and the like when I felt like he should be there with me but couldn''t.

I would just make sure you were totally open and communicating with one another. I also think you need to come to find the best of it. And, have an active social life, so you don''t just sit around waiting to see one another. It is hard, but we did it, and I am sure you will too. Good luck!
 

LtlFirecracker

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Feb 29, 2008
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4,837
blackpolkadot: That is about how long we are looking at. Thanks for the advice, especially about the honesty and finding balance. I am very introverted, so it takes me effort to get out. I will have to continue reminding myself how important that is.

mommy2liz: 6 years, Wow! Congratulations on making it work that long, just a reminder that when it is meant to be you can overcome the hardships

TravelingGal: I didn't realize you had gone though that. I know now you are married with a little one, but didn't realize you were in a LDR first. Thanks for the advice about realistic expectations. I never really thought of that. We talk on the phone everyday if we don't see each other, but he doesn't do cards, e-mails and all that stuff. In the back of my head I wouldn't expect him to do that stuff, but that kind of brought it to the front. I am aware that this will test our relationship. I had one fail in the past, but my current BF and I have been together much longer, and have a better foundation. I am still making major decisions with me in mind first, just in case. I want nothing more for it to work out, but I know life don't always go as planned.

JulieN: Thanks for sharing your experience

Lovegem: As TG said, it takes a strong relationship to survive a LDR, and an even stronger to to survive one with an ocean separating the 2 of you. Thanks for the advice

katamari: Me and my BF are very career orientated too, which is mostly why this is going to happen. I know how easy it can get to get stuck in a routine, I can see how this would make it easier. You have given me somethings to think about.
 

OUpearlgirl

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Jun 26, 2007
Messages
3,081
We were long distance during the school year for a year and a half.

We talked every day and sent a few little text messages throughout the day. Sometimes when we were busy we wouldn''t get to talk as much. Those weeks we would set a phone "date" and leave at least an hour just to catch up. We never would have survived without trusting each other. When you are that far away it''s very difficult to understand friendships with people you may never meet. You have to trust that.

One thing that helped was when we went to visit one another we tried to show what our daily lives were really like. I introduced him to my friends and vice versa. We went to the places we had talked about over the phone. We also saved a lot of time to just "BE" together.. The weekends that we had too much planned ended up going by way too fast.

Sending little gifts through snail mail helped.
 

basil

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Date: 3/1/2009 11:03:43 PM
Author:LtlFirecracker
I recently found out I am going to be in one
. We will be able to see each other because it is not a far flight from where we both are going to live, and we have the money to make the trips. But we are both sad about being apart for possibility a couple years.

How long were you apart?

We''ve been apart 2 years, 8 months, and have 4 more to go until my husband moves here permanently. No future plans for any sort of separation after that!


What did you do to make it work?

Well, I think our personalities are compatible with long distance relationships. We''re both pretty boring and introverted. So a night talking on the phone isn''t a big disappointment for us, and we''ve never felt like we''re missing out on anything by being tied to the other person. We''re both pretty steady, so there are no issues of jealousy. But at the same time, neither of us has opposite-sex friends that would really pose a threat. So I think that we started out being compatible with each other but also compatible with the idea of a long distance relationship.

Of course, it still requires work. We have to be careful not to let the future get in the way of the present. I still struggle a little with enjoying myself fully here while still allowing myself to miss him. I think that''s been the hardest thing for me - how can you be happy if you know things would be better with him? But really, time flies when you''re having fun, so the more that I can enjoy myself now, the better person I''ll be for him.

As far as what we do on a day-to-day basis, we talk in the morning since we both wake up around the same time. Though it''s not quite a conversation, more just "are you up yet?". We talk every night, usually for a few hours - though sometimes if there isn''t a lot to say we just stay on the phone while we read/study/watch tv/surf etc. We started out emailing a lot, but lately our jobs have been too busy for that most of the time, so that has fallen off a little.

I think it has helped that we both have pretty busy jobs (we''re in the same profession, if I''m not mistaken?). My worst times have been when I''ve not been busy - then I miss him like crazy.

What didn''t work?

Webcams didn''t really work for us. Tried different programs and the voice quality was never good, plus neither of us liked being tied down to the computer, we liked having the freedom to walk around the house or whatever. I also didn''t have good luck with Bluetooth. Again, voice quality wasn''t good, so I use an old-style wired headset.

I''ve grown to hate airline travel and I swear I don''t want to get on a plane for another year after he moves here. Many tears were shed in airport bathrooms when my flight got inexplicably delayed 3 hours, causing us to miss our Friday night dinner reservation and eat McD''s in the airport alone instead. I''m sure people thought I was nuts, but when you''re spending 36 hours with someone, missing out on a few becomes a bigger deal.

How often did you see each other?

Averages out to about one weekend per month, maybe a little less.

Any other advice you could share would be great.

Like any relationship, your belief in it is as important as anything. You''ll figure out your own way to deal with the logistics and the hassles and the godforsaken airlines. I think I was fortunate that we got engaged pretty soon after I moved...Honestly, I think having the commitment from him and having made the commitment myself made it easier to dismiss the doubt. Anyway, I''m sorry that you''re facing this, as it''s not something I''d wish on anyone! But I promise that it is possible to survive it - romantically, professionally, and socially too!
 

trillionaire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
3,881
We've been LD for 4.5 yrs. Wow, did I just say that? And no end in sight! He was going to move here, but the economy as it is... he's sticking it out as his job. We are 'only' 4 hours away. We see each other every 3-4 wks on average. LD is very routine for us. Trust was never an issue. We talk every day, usually more than once a day. We also email and text message as we see fit. Cards, surprise gifts, flowers, etc... little things to stave off monotony. We read books together, and are starting an exercise program together. Sending each other e-pics is also helpful, or videos. I enjoy using a web cam from time to time, but not regularly, it's hard to multitask. Get a bluetooth headset so that you can exercise/clean/wash dishes/multitask while talking on the phone. You can be really productive in an hour without much effort. :) Also, make sure you are nurturing yourself. If you have nothing going on, you have nothing to talk about. Go out, do things, read, get in touch with spending time with yourself. It's kind of great!

I don't find LD that hard or that bad, but it's what I know. And SO is my BFF, so that helps, immensely!
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
19,456
((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

If you're coming to NM and you're an introvert, you have MP, Skippy and I to have gtgs with if you'd like. We like cupcakes and crepes.
 

dockman3

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 30, 2008
Messages
560
How long? A little over two years. We only dated for about 3 months before we had to part ways, but we managed to stay together for the next two years and we''ve been living together for the last two years and now we''re engaged!

What did you do to make it work? Like everyone else has said, trust is the biggest thing. It was really hard for me sometimes when she''d go out to the clubs and have a good time with her friends and I know she was dancing, probably with other guys, but I knew I could trust her and nothing ever happened. It worked the same way when I went out with my friends. Really, it came down to not setting harsh limits on what the other one could or could not do. I never said "No, you can''t go out cause I''ll be jealous!" That would never have worked. You need to embrace the independence and be willing to have fun yourself.

Also, the webcams did work for us for a while. It took me a while to get her on it, but once I did, it worked pretty well. We called each other on the phone and then had the cameras there to see each other. It was definitely nice.

How often did you see each other? We did distance from Indiana to Seattle. We saw each other every 2-3 months. I think our longest stretch was 7 months, and that was terrible. But I ended up loving Southwest and usually got at least one free flight a year, which was nice. I got the Southwest credit card and did anything I could to rack up the points.

[/b]Any other advice?[/b] Just trust each other and you''ll be fine. Talk as often as you need to and see each other as often as you can. There will be really hard times and times that you''re going to be sad or jealous, but you can''t let those few times get in the way of your other feelings. It takes work, but it''ll be worth it in the end if you end up together. Good luck, and know that you always have a mini-support group here if you need it!
 

GoingCrazy29

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 19, 2008
Messages
373
Hugs to you! Like you, we were living in the same town in a relationship for a year before I moved- its a tough change, but you can do it!

How long were you apart? 2.5 years

What did you do to make it work? We were realistic that it would change things. We talked on the phone daily, even if it was just a "goodnight" phone call (neither of us are big phone talkers). When we would see each other on weekends we made sure one night was a "just us" night that we didn''t go out with a bunch of friends and really enjoyed each other''s company.


What didn''t work? Trying to have long talks everyday (again, not big phone talkers). I had to realize that I wasn''t going to hear about every part of his day like I did when we would see each other everynight- there were many "oh, I forgot to tell you''s" that came out weeks after the event happened. I got used to it, but I''m glad that I get to hear about more things now as they happen :)


How often did you see each other? We really tried to see each other every weekend- even if it was only one night a weekend. He was a bartender and had to work many Saturday nights. Sometimes it would be a long drive for one of us just to see the other one for one night. Sometimes I would go to see him and know that I would have to spend Saturday alone while he went to work- but then I got to see him all day Sunday until I left too, which made it worth it.


Any other advice you could share would be great: Its tough, your relationship will change- but not necessarily for the worst. It was easier for us both knowing the end date and counting down until when we would be in the same town again. We both have cameras on our laptops, so we used those for video chats every once in awhile. Good luck!

 

kama_s

Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Jul 12, 2008
Messages
3,617
Ltlfirecracker, I'm so sorry you'll have to be in an LDR soon. But, as crappy as the situation may be, the best thing to do would be to find something good out of it. Being away from your SO gives you sooooo much spare time, so if there a particular hobby that you've been meaning to get into or just trying to get better at something (like cooking), this would be your best opportunity! I was in an LDR myself, so I'll answer your Q's below and then expand on them.

How long were you apart? Almost 2 years

What did you do to make it work? Call, mail, visit each other as much as possible. Like others have mentioned, even if it's a quick 2 second phone call. I always wanted to be the last person he talks to at night, and the first voice he hears in the morning, so everyday I'd make a quick call to say 'nighty nite, love you' an 'morning sweetheart, have a lovely day'. It's an AMAZING feeling to start your day after listening to your SO's voice...and this way you'd be in each other's thoughts all day long. Also, mail/text as often as you can. I'd be in class and I'd send him a quick text to say 'I'm bored, anatomy sucks' or 'I'm having a yummy muffin from xyz'. And every now and then we'd send each other a snail mail card/letter...just because it's so much fun receiving something unexpected in the mail. Once he sent me a box of quality street chocolates (very hard to find in the cities we lived in, and they used to be my fav chocolates growing up) and it totally made my MONTH! Someone also suggested webcam-ing - GREAT idea. I love to see his face, his dimples, his smile....so we'd webcam for a bit every now and then and it was amazing to be able to see each other, from a distance.

What didn't work? Not being able to talk face to face when there was an issue. It's SO important to clear up any misunderstandings, as small as they may be, because little things have the ability to turn into big things when you live so far away...the stress of not being with each other, and words can get another feel to them when you're saying it on MSN or on the phone....but make sure you resolve every issue before going to bed. We once had a major crisis in our relationship, and I was trying to deal with on the phone with him. I knew it wouldnt work, and as crazy as it was, I hung up the phone on him, ran to the train station and caught the next train to his city. Missing all my classes and assignments for that week! We REALLY needed to see each other, and I know for a fact that if we hasn't met that night face to face, our relationship would've been over that day. So sometimes, if it's needed, drop everything for your SO. It cost me an arm and a leg for that train ticket, but in the end it was worth all that and more.

How often did you see each other? Well, we initially used to meet every 3-4 months or so. But towards the end, it got harder. I think for the last 6 months, we saw each other every 1.5 months. The best suggestion I can give you with this is to book your next trip much in advance, that way you're anticipating your trip and can't wait to see him again. It's just something you look forward to, as opposed to sitting on the table wondering when you'll see him next. I'd rather be like - "ah, seeing him in 2 months!!" vs "i wonder when I see him again"...kwim? I used to book my next trip as soon as I got back from seeing him (thankfully, being a student, you could change your train with a minimal charge)!


And most imrpotantly, you need a good support/friend system in place, so when you're feeling lonely without him on a friday night, you can call a friend and watch a movie or grab a slice of cheesecake with her.
 

Elmorton

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 5, 2007
Messages
3,998
So my question to all of you who are doing this or have done this in the past

How long were you apart?
4 hour distance - 1 year, beginning of relationship
40 min distance - 2 years, middle of relationship
3 hour distance - after marriage (he got a new job, I had to stay behind until my contract was finished), 3 months

What did you do to make it work?
The first LD was actually the easiest. We began seeing each other over a summer (DH had an internship in the city where I went to school), so we''d see each other every 2-4 weeks for a long weekend, and we were both really busy with our senior years of college, so we had very little time to miss each other (and we really didn''t fully understand what we were missing by not being together). We talked every day, sent e-mails, cards and letters - I''d also hide a card in his apt and then tell him where it was after I''d left. DH still has all of those cards in his nightstand. It''s really sweet.

The second was while I was in grad school and DH was working at his first job. This was the most ideal situation ever - he came to see me on his days off (usually mid-week), and I went to see him on weekends. We spent about 4 days a week together, but we had a lot of our own down time to either get things done for work/school or relax. While this was long distance, it really didn''t feel that way.

The last one was really, really stressful. I''ve never been so lonely. I also gained a bunch of weight, because I was literally going out to dinner with a friend or family member (I moved in with a friend short-term back home) every weeknight. I think the hardest part about that though was that I felt like I shouldn''t be lonely since I had people around. Driving to see DH on the weekends was also really draining, and since it was the beginning of winter, there was some drives there and back that were a little scary. We talked on the phone a LOT, e-mailed while we were at work, and spent a LOT of QT on the weekends, cooking together, wandering around our new city, etc.

For all three times, we basically viewed our time together as vacations - we''d plan something fun to do, but we''d also plan on time alone. We used what time we did have together to do as much as possible together. It was insanely expensive, but at the time, we could afford it.

I think the two best things that came out of the LD thing were that 1) We communicate REALLY well, and we think of each other throughout the day ("I can''t wait to tell DH about..." kind of things). 2) We''re really good about spending quality time together. I think we really value our time together because we know what it''s like to not be together, and we see days together as a gift.

What didn''t work?
I had a hard time sleeping at night during part II and III - I did a LOT of reading before bed. When I was staying with my friend, I once forgot the book I was reading at home with DH and each night that week DH read a few pages to me until I got too sleepy to hold my phone. That was a great solution.

Friends don''t really understand LD relationships, especially single friends (and since I was on my own, I hung out with single friends the most). Talking about it seems like you''re whining, but it is hard and it does hurt - so I think that''s why I felt so lonely a lot of the time.

I did a lot of comfort eating. A friend of mine has been going through an LD relationship and she tells me that this has been one of the hardest things for her, too.

In terms of advice - I don''t know, really. I think it all depends on things like where you are in the relationship, how you communicate, etc. Like I said, our furthest distance was the easiest, but it really had to do with the fact that neither of us needed a "full-time" relationship and had seperate lives to lead. The last time was brutal because we just wanted to settle down and have normalcy. Having an ending in sight was really key. I remember one PSer used to have the date that she''d be reuinted with her FI on her signature line - and it was stuff like that (counting down days, figuring out how long we''d been apart, thus realizing how strong I was) that made me feel like I could keep on going to get through it. My other piece of advice is to pretend you''re on the Bachelorette when you''re together (not in terms of making out with 25 guys), by looking at your time together as limited and special. Go on "dream dates" and explore your locations together, spend time with new friends, etc so you both feel at home in your SO''s life.
 

gwendolyn

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 4, 2007
Messages
6,770
Awww, sweetheart, I am really sorry. LDRs are difficult but can allow you to become close to your man in new ways since 99% of the time you will spend time via communicating. Plus they do allow you to appreciate your time together much, MUCH more (at least in my experience)! So they are hard, but not all bad.

James and I were apart for a few months shy of 4 years--about 2 3/4 while we were international (him in England, me in the US). We saw each other about 2-3 times a year. Then for a year we were in the same country (England) but still 200 miles apart, and saw each other every 2-3 times a month. That ended when my grad school finished in mid-July and we''re now living together.


Date: 3/1/2009 11:03:43 PM
Author:LtlFirecracker
I recently found out I am going to be in one
. We will be able to see each other because it is not a far flight from where we both are going to live, and we have the money to make the trips. But we are both sad about being apart for possibility a couple years.

Things that helped to make it work were nightly telephone calls, sending each other gifts in the mail (especially dumb little things that made us think of each other while we happened to be out shopping), but the big thing that helped me was having our next meeting booked. Even if it was months away, I felt much more secure knowing for SURE when we''d see each other again.

The suckiest part was the lack of snuggles, so we kinda overloaded when we did see each other.


You''ll be ok, but it is ok to post on here for support when things get hard. *hugs*
 

CDNinNYC

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 21, 2007
Messages
2,216
How long were you apart? - Just under two years while I lived in Toronto and FI was doing his MBA in NYC.


What did you do to make it work? - Spoke every day/night on the phone and kept each other abreast of what was going on in our lives daily.


What didn't work? - Surprise visits. I tried doing this once but he ended up being very busy. Better to plan ahead so you can maximize the time you have together.


How often did you see each other? - We alternated visits every month. This worked out well with long weekends and school breaks.


Any other advice you could share would be great. - What worked for us was that we had an 'end in sight' for the long-distance. I also found that when we were at the end of a visit, I knew i would see him in three or four weeks, which was manageable.
 

trillionaire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
3,881
Date: 3/2/2009 12:25:17 PM
Author: Elmorton
I did a lot of comfort eating. A friend of mine has been going through an LD relationship and she tells me that this has been one of the hardest things for her, too.

OH YES!!!! Big ditto here! That''s why we are doing P90x together starting next week!
 

wishinpink

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 5, 2008
Messages
587
How long were you apart? We''re still "apart," but it''s been 2 years now.

What did you do to make it work? Good communication and trust is key!! We talk everyday on the phone, and always express our appreciation and affection for each other as much as possible. Webcam is a pretty neat way to say hello and see the other person. Letters, small gifts, etc, keep everything lively =)

What didn''t work? I think you need to be clear about each other''s expectations.


How often did you see each other? about 3 months in a year. Would see each other during breaks- summer break, winter break, spring break.


Any other advice you could share would be great. Try to realize that it''s harder for the other person to know and meet your needs when they are far away. Therefore, both of you shouldn''t feel shy to verbalize what you need and want from each other in order to feel loved. I think this is one main thing that helps us.
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511
Best wishes to you. Long distance relationships are hard. I found I could only maintain focus for about 3 months, even with visits every 4-6 weeks in between. Any longer than that... and well... I am just far to physical to not stray.

I do believe though, if it is worth fighting for, you have to give it all you''ve got. When it''s right, no amount of time or distance will matter... you''ll fit together again when you re-unite.

I just need a little TLC, adn if my man is too far away... I start looking elsewhere. I am just an instant gratification kinda girl, who is very impulsive and impatient. I don''t see this being a problem for you LTLFirecracker... it will work out just fine.

(((HUGS HUGS!!!!!!!!))) I wish you the best!
 

kcoursolle

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 21, 2006
Messages
10,589
I did this for 9 months with my now husband (pre-engagement though). I finished up my undergrad and moved to CA to start graduate school. He still had half of a year of undergrad left to finish and then after he got a job (in CA) he had job training that took a few months that was outside of CA. It was an incredibly difficult time, especially because I moved to a completely new place where I didn''t know anyone at all. Adjusting to my graduate program was also difficult and looking back at that time I would say that I had moderate depression.

What worked:
-seeing eachother as much as possible. We both tried to buy plane tickets frequently and visit even if it was for a couple of days.
-sending care packages and actual letters.
-checking in daily with a short conversation.

What didn''t work:
-long drawn out phone calls. They usually just ended up being about how much we missed eachother and I often cried. Try to keep things positive if you can when talking on the phone.
-emails
 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
582
I went to France for what was supposed to be a year. It only ended up being just over 2 months though. However, the whole time I was there we weren''t able to talk on the phone and the time difference made it difficult to ''talk'' at the same time.

We set it up so that we were on AIM or Google chat at the same time everyday. Normally it would only be for less than an hour, because it was the end of my day and the beginning of his. On top of that I would send him emails when I woke up (he would still be sleeping) and he would send them to me when he went to bed (I would be sleeping), so that when we woke up we had something to look forward to.

During the AIM or Google chat we would try and do video chat most of the time. That really helped because we were able to ''see'' each other, even though we were on completely different continents. That really helped the most and he didn''t feel so far away.

Best of luck. It is the most difficult at first, but once you get into a routine it will be easier. I know if we had to do it again we could get through any amount of time. I think it actually made our relationship stronger. :)
 

Rhea

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 20, 2007
Messages
6,294
Now DH lived in London, I lived in the US. We were apart for 3 years until we got married.

How long were you apart?
3 years


What did you do to make it work?
Lots of phone calls. Daily phone calls weren''t expected, but daily emails were. We talked or wrote about the most meaningless things and tried to keep things as normal as possible. Changing a flat tire is worthy of a 10 minute vent just like it would be if we were face-to-face.

When we got together we did normal things, dishes, cooking in, etc. We tried not to treat it like a vacation and go to a lot of tourist things. We kept our spending as normal as possible, avoiding a lot of eating out. We felt free to bicker, argue, and air any issues that we had. We didn''t keep it pretty just because we wouldn''t see each other for weeks or months. I really think this was the biggest help.


What didn''t work?
I think we both let our other friendships go a bit. The time difference was hard and DH got very little sleep.


How often did you see each other?
Our longest time apart was about 6 months, but towards the end we saw each other for about 2 weeks in every 10 weeks.


Any other advice you could share would be great.
 

LtlFirecracker

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 29, 2008
Messages
4,837
OUpeargirl: I like the idea of integrating each other into our lives. I think it would help making what you talk about everyday more real

Basil: I never even thought of webcams. And I have one! But I have no idea how to use it. Yes, you and me are in the same profession. My BF is in a different profession and has a good job. Finding a new one would be really hard right now with this economy, and that is one of the reasons he is most likely going to stay. I go nuts when planes get delayed too, but that won''t keep me off them.

Trillionare: We both already love our bluetooths! He talks to me while he does stuff, it is something I need to learn how to do. Our situation is kind of like yours. He has a job, and has survived 3 lay offs in is company.

Freke: Thank you so much :). It is not for a few months, but I am planning on coming to NM. I would love a GTG with all of you guys. Who makes the crapes????

dockman3: Thank you for the support. Me and my BF have always made an effort to let each other have our own friends and activities, so I hope that would not change with distance

GoingCrazy29: I am sure things will change, of course I can just do my best to make it work and hope the changes are ones that make our relationship stronger. I am a phone talker, but BF isn''t, so I know some nights it will be a "hi" "goodnight" conversation

kama-s: I could see how not being able to talk face to face when there is an issue would be a problem. Something I will have to keep in mind. I love the story about the chocolates.

elmorton: I am already having some trouble sleeping, partly why I started this thread. I figured it would help to talk about it with someone other than him. I could see friends not understanding. I tend to loose weight when I am stressed, so I hope I don''t get into the comfort eating thing. I will watch that.

gwendolyn: Wow, another person who did it overseas. We might be in a similar situation where we are far (but not as far as you) for a bit, than 200 miles away for a bit. I am glad the 2 of you are living together now! Thanks for the support.

CDNinNYC: I could totally see the problem with surprise visits. I could totally see myself planning one, getting all excited over it, and than being let down when I got there and he was busy. I hope to get an ''end in site'' shortly after I move.

rosebud: I think I will have to make a point to be clear about my expectations and ask about his.

Tlh: I know they are hard, I would rather him be closer, but, we are such a good fit I am willing to make this work.

Koursolle: I could see long drawn out phone calls not working for us as well. If we really need to talk, than great. But we don''t like being on the phone just for the sake of being on the phone with each other.

Definitely, Maybe: I don''t know if I could talk my BF into doing chat. He won''t even do Facebook! I will suggest it.

Addy: I have been thinking about that. We usually do normal things during the week and the weekends when I am super tired, and than do fun things on the other weekends. I think that some visits will have to be just hanging out at our places, and some visits short weekend things.

Lots of great advice on here, and I could tell that many of you took your time to write this out. Thank you very much.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
We were long distance for about a year, we met while living in different cities and had never lived in the same place.

We talked daily, sent care packages, had phone dates (watched a silly TV show together on the phone), sent email, etc.

We saw each other once every month-six weeks.

Be honest with each other, don''t stop spending time with friends, take advantage of the U.S. Postal Service (send cards and such).

We''re married now, so it worked for us, it just took patience, honesty, and understanding.
 

Harriet

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 7, 2006
Messages
12,823
Date: 3/1/2009 11:03:43 PM
Author:LtlFirecracker
I recently found out I am going to be in one
. We will be able to see each other because it is not a far flight from where we both are going to live, and we have the money to make the trips. But we are both sad about being apart for possibility a couple years.

So my question to all of you who are doing this or have done this in the past

How long were you apart?
3 years.

What did you do to make it work?
We spoke and visited often.

What didn''t work?
Honestly, it worked.

How often did you see each other?
Every 3 weeks.

Any other advice you could share would be great.
Don''t worry. Just make sure that the both of you are up to date on each others'' daily lives.
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
19,456
I could try to make the crepes. I''ve never done it before. Apparently there is a new crepe place that Skippy found.
I want to go try it out.
 

LtlFirecracker

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 29, 2008
Messages
4,837
KimberelyH - The TV shows are a good idea, I know a couple who had "movie dates" together. They would watch movies while on the phone

Harriet - I like you attitude, I have to work on the not worrying. I do that too much.

Freke - I am all for going out for crepes. I have never made crepes either. But I love to eat them, there is a little farmers market here on the weekend that has a killer crepe stand, I love their breakfast crepes.
 

LabRatPhD

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 30, 2009
Messages
448
How long were you apart? After our first year together, we were in a LDR for 2 years. Then we were together again for a year and then LDR again for another year. Now we are together for good.


What did you do to make it work? Talk on the phone every evening, even if for a few minutes. Trusting each other was big.


What didn''t work? Sometimes it was hard to communicate. I am emotional and he is very calm so sometimes it was hard to talk when I was stressed out. The second LDR time was really hard because he was a first year associate at a law firm and I was in my first year of grad school. We didn''t see each other much because of our schedules and were both high strung due to stress.


How often did you see each other? For the first LDR time, every weekend (lived 3 hrs apart by car). The second LDR time was hard because he lived in the northeast and I was in Texas. Maybe once every 3 months because our schedules just did not permit. We actually broke up for a little while during that time.


Any other advice you could share would be great. It was really helpful for me to have a friend who was going through the same thing as me in my first year of grad school. We would vent to each other about the hardships of LDRs. It was so nice to have someone who could relate. Also communicating is really important. Good luck, sweetie!
 
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