This is normal, right?

[Independent Gal]

FI has pretty much moved in and I''m having a few problems getting used to living with someone else. I''ve been living alone for more than 3 years and I LOOOOOOVE living alone. So now I find myself getting irritable about stuff like: him pushing his chair back so it''s buckling my rug; him putting nails in the wall straight, instead of on an angle, for pictures over our bed (OUCH!); not wiping down the counters after he cooks; using half an onion, then the next day using half of a brand new onion, then the next day... etc; making portions of food SO HUGE that we''ll need to have about 4 kids before it''s the right amount; going grocery shopping with hilariously haphazardly with no actual meals in mind. So, basically nearly everything.

I swore I''d ''pick my battles'', and there''s plenty of stuff I''m trying not to get miffed about, stuff like his beard in the sink. But this living together thing is REALLY HARD. ALREADY!!!!!

It''s normal, though, right?

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 8/27/2007 9:02:47 PM
Author:Independent Gal
FI has pretty much moved in and I''m having a few problems getting used to living with someone else. I''ve been living alone for more than 3 years and I LOOOOOOVE living alone. So now I find myself getting irritable about stuff like: him pushing his chair back so it''s buckling my rug; him putting nails in the wall straight, instead of on an angle, for pictures over our bed (OUCH!); not wiping down the counters after he cooks; using half an onion, then the next day using half of a brand new onion, then the next day... etc; making portions of food SO HUGE that we''ll need to have about 4 kids before it''s the right amount; going grocery shopping with hilariously haphazardly with no actual meals in mind. So, basically nearly everything.

I swore I''d ''pick my battles'', and there''s plenty of stuff I''m trying not to get miffed about, stuff like his beard in the sink. But this living together thing is REALLY HARD. ALREADY!!!!!

It''s normal, though, right?

yep normal.
Whats wrong with shopping like that?
I do it all the time.
as long as the leftovers are froze and eaten that''s smart too.
Sounds like typical bachelor stuff...

 

[KimberlyH]

Totally normal, IG. We went through a honeymoon period and then struggled to adjust for a while (like 3-4 pretty big disagreements, when typically we don''t disagree, in months 4-11) and we''re now on month 13 and it has been smooth sailing again. I''m sure our most recent disagreement won''t be the last , but we are commited to talking things through and thinking things out -- is this really worth being upset about? -- before reacting. We also have a "If you don''t like the way I do it, do it yourself" rule in our house that has really helped minimize issues.

 

[Kay]

I think it''s normal, but you probably shouldn''t use me as a gauge of normalcy.

DH moved in 5 years ago (after I had lived alone for several years), and while I love him madly, it still drives me nuts at times to have another person and his stuff in *my* house all the time. It''s mostly picky stuff like you were talking about: he doesn''t put things away where I think they belong, doesn''t fold the towels so they fit properly in the linen closet, buys completely random crap at the super market, etc. Of course, I have plenty of household habits that annoy him too. (And he doesn''t annoy me nearly as much as our cleaning lady, who has to move every item on our shelves, dressers, counters, etc. by at least a few inches from where I had them arranged. She comes every other Monday, and when I get home I spend 20 minutes walking around the house putting things back where they belong. Yes, I am a bit OCD.)

 

[Kaleigh]

I think it''s normal. If there are things that are really driving you batty, discuss them calmly. Guys don''t have the radar that we women have. Sometimes I will point out to hubby, hey this is driving me nuts. Half the time he doesn''t know it''s annoying. After 20 years of marriage, I can tell you he still does stuff like leaving his socks on the floor, leaving dishes in the sink, etc... I''m immune to it now.

But here''s the kicker, since we have a new house in Nantucket, it''s been my 19 year old daughter that gets after him. She''s not one to mince words!!

I do believe she has taught him a thing or two this summer. Gotta love that!!!

Hang in there, this is all so new to you.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Don''t worry. It will be fine. You''ll get used to it shortly before you die.

 

[luckystar112]

hahaha. I think it''s normal.
Can I just say how *nice* it would be if FI would offer to cook every once in a while. I''d be ELATED if he cut up an onion! lol

Okay I''m exaggerating. He actually makes really good breakfast. But he only does it on Sundays.

Hmm let''s see if I can come up with a list of things that annoy me about him. (We''ve lived together for 3 years.)

1) Instead of tearing up the boxes that soda comes in, he places them on the floor right next to the garbage bin.
2) He mows the grass and then come in and sits on the couch. Little green flecks of grass everywhere!!!
3) He insists on washing everything after wearing it once. Okay maybe I''m the weird one in that respect. I wear my jeans at least twice before washing them. Does that make me gross? I just hate the way the dryer shrinks them!!
4) FI never rinses out his plate. I have to sit there scrubbing them to get the hardened food off.
5) I organize my dishes by type and color....he hasn''t figured that out yet. He''ll put a plate on top of a bowl...not kidding.
6) My favorite: He never puts the cap back on the toothpaste!

I''m sure there are a kajillion things that bother him about me.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 8/27/2007 9:31:42 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I think it''s normal. If there are things that are really driving you batty, discuss them calmly. Guys don''t have the radar that we women have. Sometimes I will point out to hubby, hey this is driving me nuts. Half the time he doesn''t know it''s annoying. After 20 years of marriage, I can tell you he still does stuff like leaving his socks on the floor, leaving dishes in the sink, etc... I''m immune to it now.

But here''s the kicker, since we have a new house in Nantucket, it''s been my 19 year old daughter that gets after him. She''s not one to mince words!!

I do believe she has taught him a thing or two this summer. Gotta love that!!!

Hang in there, this is all so new to you.

HI:

Well said.

cheers--Sharon

 

[justjulia]

Nothing a glass of wine can''t help at around 6pm.

After a while, you will learn your roles and "boundries." I say this with affection, since after 22 yrs of marriage, we''ve just learned to roll with it. Hang in there.

 

[zoebartlett]

My, my...where do I start? My FI and I have been living together for 1.5 years and it''s still a battle at times. I must say though, in the past month, my FI has done way more around here than he ever had. I finally don''t feel as if I''m the only one contributing to household chores anymore.

My FI loves to play XBox and it drives me nuts. He''s 35. A grown man. Playing against others who are probably kids...or other 35 year olds. Sad, really.

I go to bed way earlier than he does and I can still hear the TV (or XBox) when I''m trying to sleep. It drives me crazy and sleeping in our guest room isn''t any help. Both bedrooms are off the living room, so the sound can be heard wherever I am. There are other things but I can''t list them all. The good parts are really good though, so I think I''ll keep him.

 

[BigDiamonds]

It''s very normal. Don''t get me started on my man''s annoying habits. We''re talking dirty-socks-on-the-kitchen-counter quality stuff here. But you''re at least a couple steps ahead, because you realize why he''s suddenly annoying you. It''s nothing horrible or wrong in your relationship, it''s just getting used to sharing your space with someone again. Remember how you felt about your college roommates drinking your milk sometimes? It''s the same thing, except you love him, so it''s all worth it.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yep, the irritation is normal! I've lived my husband since we were in our early 20s and now with two little boys, there are THREE guys driving me insane. Leaving socks on the floor, not cleaning up legos, newspapers, coffee cups. I have fantasies of running away from home. We're planning a trip to France in two years from now, without the kids, but I think I want to sneak off w/out my dh too!!! lol

 

[princesss]

Oooooh boy. I lived with my boyfriend this past month and I can''t even believe how annoyed I got with him. He''s the neat one...except in the kitchen. Which is why, at one point, I stormed off to Target while he was at work and bought $70 worth of cleaning supplies. I was going to clean it before he got home and show him how clean it would be. BUT instead I waited until he got home, and made him actually look at the kitchen.

It was clean the next day.

Other than that we didn''t really have problems. But I think that''s because it was so temporary. I''m sure he got annoyed with me over some stuff, but that was the only thing we fought about. Who knows what arguments the future will hold...luckily I have a few years before that''s a problem.

 

[Kit]

Date: 8/27/2007 9:42:59 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Don''t worry. It will be fine. You''ll get used to it shortly before you die.

LOL! Exactly. And then after you get used to it, you''ll start to miss seeing all those 1/2 onions in the fridge and little beard hairs in the bathroom sink. Ah, love. Ain''t it grand??

 

[monarch64]

Date: 8/27/2007 9:42:59 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Don''t worry. It will be fine. You''ll get used to it shortly before you die.

LOL. I completely agree. It''s become quite obvious to me that my DH will never change the way he does certain things although I don''t like the way he does them and have told him so repeatedly in nice ways and not so nice ways! Of course he has the same issues with me...we have just started (after 5.5 yrs. of living together) to learn to pick our battles and realize that in the long run and for both of us to be happy together we can''t get so annoyed with each other over the small stuff. It''s tough, I know...I will not even give examples of what he does that drives me insane because I''ll just end up in a snit and he''s OOT right now so I''ll have no one to take it out on, lol! Just know that you are completely normal, and because you are going through this adjustment and having negative feelings about his behaviors doesn''t mean you love him any less. Try to be patient, but I know that''s easier said than done.

 

[AdaBeta27]

Date: 8/27/2007 9:42:59 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Don''t worry. It will be fine. You''ll get used to it shortly before you die.

ROTFL! There is that escape clause "until death do us part..."

My theory is that adding a man to the household results in an exponential increase in amount of housework. The number of people only doubles, but the housework somehow increases exponentially.

 

[decodelighted]

SO Normal!! I wonder how anyone survives being a newlywed -AND- moving in together all at once!! Especially if they''ve lived alone for, ahem, say 10 years +.

We moved in together a month or so before we got engaged (ring on order) ... and I''m SO GLAD we had a year to smooth out the rougher transition patches BEFORE the hitchin''! Not that it all gets cleared up in a year ... or TWO (ha! that''s where we are NOW!)

STUFF THAT ANNOYS HIM
Not putting soda caps on tight enough (& by tight enough - he means IMMOVABLE BY ME!)
My unused leftover habit - or as he calls them "science experiments"
Eating only one poptart -- leaving the other to dry out in open metallic sleeve
Tallulah accidents
Not putting dishes in the dishwasher (I never used to have one!)
Tardiness in general... appointments, auto inspection, bills... you name it
My insistence on cave-like "mood lighting"
Stealing the last towel from beside the shower w/o replacing it

STUFF THAT ANNOYS ME
Dirty clothes on floor by shower (eh, I''m used to it now)
Stubble in sink -- dirty sinks in general
Not sweeping up kitty litter crumbs (part of his kitty litter detail!)
Not taking out trash OFTEN enough ... he thinks 1x per week is dandy
Charging EVERYTHING on debit cards --even fast food-- no CASH!!
Refusal to eat ANY NEW FOODS (or fruits or veggies of any kind!)
His bright-a** office in the middle of my precise mood-lighting design

DH helped me make this list & it was kinda fun actually ... I guess if this is the "worst" of it we''re doing ok. (He would like me to report that HE SAID THE LAST SENTANCE ... and demands credit, where "its due")

 

[musey]

From what people tell me, TOTALLY normal. We've lived together for 15 months now, will have for 2.5 years when we get married. We haven't had any problems, I think ONLY because we are both slightly messy (not DIRTY--messy). I think if either one of us were clean people there would be problems.

THEN AGAIN, our apartment is never, ever beautifully clean!!!! There's always a bit of clutter here or there. It doesn't bother either of us, but I'm sure it bothers some of our guests! I think you're better off with a little bit of "why don't you do this?" conflict at home.

 

[monarch64]

LOL Deco and hubby! Good for you for doing the list together, at least you two are team players that way! I think if DH and I tried that one, we''d end up closing ourselves off in separate rooms to cool off for a bit and never finish the list, ha!

 

[chiefneil]

Ummm, so you''re mad because he cooks and shops for groceries?

Heh, just suggesting you look at it from another perspective. There''s lot of women out there that get PO''d because they''re men don''t do either. Personally, I think the cook is entitled to use half a a fresh onion each time if that''s what he wants. And the other person doing the cleanup seems like a very fair exchange to me. Crinkling the rug is something you should feel to bring up, though.

 

[Kaleigh]

I just thought of one that drives me insano!!

Our dry cleaning is put outside on the covered back porch. Does he take his clothes to the back porch?? Nope leaves it right by the back door in a huge heap!! Lke hello??? It''s one extra step, one that would make me happy!!


OMG, the other thing, is the notes he writes to me in the AM. Ya know the ones that say please do this and that, but then have exclamation points at the end. Like it''s dire?

Lisa, please call the plumber!!!! ! Sink is slow in the powder room!!!!!!!!!!! !

 

[Independent Gal]

Wow! Thank you all for the encouragement and affirmation. To those of you who pointed out that it''s great that he''s cooking and doing groceries at ALL: DON''T I KNOW IT! And I tell him so almost daily. I''m thrilled that I have a man who was eager to split things up fairly. Well, almost fairly... 2/3 - 1/3? but it''s a start.

His chores: groceries, cooking twice a week and once on the weekend, empty the dishwasher, take out the trash and recycling. Estimated weekly hours: 3.5
My chores: clean the house, cook twice a week and once on the weekend (then we eat out once a week!), laundry, bills & financial matters. Estimated weekly hours: 5.5

I know I need to let most of these things GO! They are no big deal. It''s just onions. But I find myself getting SO ANNOYED. And I am not someone generally prone to anger.

Growing pains.

I suppose as long as I remember to make him feel really appreciated for being such a good partner around the house, it might offsest whatever mildly grumpy things I say to him about onions?!? I hope so. The guilt is killing me!

He couldn''t figure out my vertical blinds and nearly broke them yesterday and I got so frustrated I said something mean along the lines of ''HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO OPEN A BLIND?!?!?!'' That''s not constructive. It''s just plain mean, actually. Poor FI.

Of course I apologized but still.

 

[asscherisme]

Not only is it normal, but marriage does not solve it. Trust me, he will continue to drive you nuts for as long as you live LOL.

There is a HUGE period of adjustment. I was just like you. I loved to live alone. I lived alone from 1990 when I graduated college to 1995 when we moved in shortly before our wedding so 5 years alone!

In the beginning there are big compromises and learning to live together.

After that, over the years, you do settle in. But there are things that will continue to bug you. Sorry its true. But the positive outweights the negative

And on the counter thing, I laughed when I read that because after 12 years of marriage my husband STILL does not clean the counters up to my standard LOL.

Oh and regarding food, I laughed at that too. I DO have 4 kids and when my husband cooks (which is rare) he cooks as if we have 2 kids and there is never enough. So maybe your fiance can give my husband portion lessons

 

[Mara]

lol YES it's normal. there are some other threads i think in BWW about living together and adjustments. you two are individuals who are used to living alone. i loved living alone by the way...and i think he did too. we are both pretty independent people in general. of course there are going to be some bumpy roads when you come together permanently. both of you have different ways of doing things. one is not right and the other wrong or vice versa.

our living together merge was pretty uneventful originally, but i found out later that was only because he moved in with me into my place and he felt like he wasn't suppposed to REALLY act like it was HIS house the way he would later...i was like hey what bumps in the road? this is fabulous! he is so easygoing. but then we bought a house together, right before we got married and that is when all the fun started. he started being way more vocal about things he liked or didn't like and i'm thinking hey where did my easygoing now-hubby go?? we had a few tiffs about household chories/duties/whatisthisdoinghere? it took us a year or two to work out most of the kinks...but yeah i think there are some things that will just annoy you or him almost forever. things that were charming originally become 'what is that?!'.

just try to be understanding, accepting, and realize both of you have to compromise. if a few things REALLY drive you crazy, communicate them and he should do the same. but heck yeah this is all normal in my opinion. if it's too easy then something is wrong hehee.

and OMG Kaleigh i died laughing at the !!!!!....that is too funny. Oh and I hear ya gals on the guys making a ton of food, when Greg makes spaghetti, which I love since he does it the slow cooker old fashioned way with meats and sauces...he makes the whole box and then acts surprised when I only eat like 1/10. We end up eating it all week. hahaha.

 

[sumbride]

It takes about 2 years to "train" each other on stuff... M has learned how to shop from a list (that I give him) and to plan meals. I didn''t necessarily teach him, just tried to "lead by example". He''s learned. It''s better.

I still leave glasses in the living room though and will probably do that for the rest of my life. He hates it, but he''s coping.

We''ve solved a lot of our problems by having 2 bathrooms. His sink is dirty? I don''t see it. Works for us.

The thing I''ve been "working on" lately is keeping him from throwing his dishes into the sink. Literally. He would just toss it in, not caring that it was teetering precariously. I showed him chipped dishes and said "we''re getting new ones, please be careful." He''s a lot better about it. He needed me to tell him it was ok to rinse it and put it on the counter if the dishwasher wasn''t available at that moment. It''s made both of us happier.

Just give it time, and patience. And if you can, separate bathrooms. Seriously.

 

[jcrow]

Date: 8/27/2007 10:13:12 PM
Author: zoebartlett
My, my...where do I start? My FI and I have been living together for 1.5 years and it''s still a battle at times. I must say though, in the past month, my FI has done way more around here than he ever had. I finally don''t feel as if I''m the only one contributing to household chores anymore.

My FI loves to play XBox and it drives me nuts. He''s 35. A grown man. Playing against others who are probably kids...or other 35 year olds. Sad, really.

I go to bed way earlier than he does and I can still hear the TV (or XBox) when I''m trying to sleep. It drives me crazy and sleeping in our guest room isn''t any help. Both bedrooms are off the living room, so the sound can be heard wherever I am. There are other things but I can''t list them all. The good parts are really good though, so I think I''ll keep him.

ha! you''ve got to get him the HEADPHONE thingy for the xbox. makes everything a-ok after that!
i poke fun at dh and the xbox twelve year olds too. it''s so funny.

 

[Nicrez]

Just like everyone else said....completely normal.

I just suggest that you communicate when something annoys you IMMEDIATELY. Don''t let it keep happening until it drives you nuts. You both will be house training each other. Like he puts his keys and wallet absolutely anywhere then every morning asks you, "did you see my wallet?" as he is running around frantic, late for work. That''s when you say, "Yes, it''s on the valet I just bought right on the hallway table next to the front entrance. Next time you enter, leave your keys there and you will never lose them again."

Or how he uses 112 pots and pans to make a grill cheese sandwich? He won''t do the dishes because there are too many, and now he''s tired. So while he''s cooking, maybe you can do the dishes so they don''t pile up, and he can make YOU something...

And it works. May take some time, but it does work. Always find ways to solve the issues and compromise. Creative ideas help. My friend and her husband used to fight over how much extra food they used to buy because one would not consult the other. Now there is a list on the fridge, and rules are if it''s not on the list it won''t get purchased, end of story. Then every Saturday morning they ususally go together. They saved lots of money this way, and lots of aggravation.

Good luck!

 

[nytemist]

Nope it''s normal. Hopefuilly fo you it will get easier one day. There is stil quite an issue with cleaning and organizing with us- i.e. HE DOESn''T DO IT.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 8/28/2007 10:24:43 AM
Author: Nicrez
Like he puts his keys and wallet absolutely anywhere then every morning asks you, ''did you see my wallet?'' as he is running around frantic, late for work. That''s when you say, ''Yes, it''s on the valet I just bought right on the hallway table next to the front entrance. Next time you enter, leave your keys there and you will never lose them again.''

I''ve got to say, i did this exact thing! M has had his valet for about 8 months now and he is mostly used to it, but sometimes forgets. I tend to round things up and put them there anyway. We had many frantic mornings where he couldn''t find his wallet or his car keys or his id badge, and now they are in the "magic tray". It''s working. Slowly.

 

[jcrow]

yeh, i think you just have to find a system.

for instance - dh loads the dishes into the dw and i put the clean ones away. it works for us b/c i hate dealing with dirty dishes and i''m picky about the placement of the dishes. before we found this system, i''d fine cups where the bowls go, etc. now, they dishes are always neatly in the same spot.

it just takes a bit of tiime to figure out a system that works for both of you.