Thinking of proposing to my boyfriend

[claramozelle]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months. We have both been married before and I am considering proposing to him soon. After I got divorced, I didn''t think I''d ever want to get married again, but when I met him, that changed. He treats me better than I ever realized I was meant to be treated. I am so in love!! (I know, I know, cut the mush!)

Anyway, since I feel the way I do, and neither of us have children and we''re not getting any younger, I''m feeling a little anxious about continuing in a relationship if it''s not going where I want it to go. Am I sounding too demanding? I don''t want to give him an ultimatum but I feel like it''s time to make a decision on where it''s going. I''d like to hear some advice, especially from guys. If you think I should do it, how should I go about proposing? If you don''t think I should do it, what should I do to curb my biological clock anxiety? And do you think I would have to leave him to avoid heartbreak?

 

[Colored Gemstone Nut]

Hi Clara: My Remarks will be in bold to your statements
----------------
On 4/16/2003 5:23:11 PM claramozelle wrote:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months. We have both been married before and I am considering proposing to him soon.
First Question. Have you guys or are you living together. Seems like a simple question to someone who has already been married, but living together does make a difference. I have been married and divorced also. Only for a short time..Thank God...It's funny how you realize things about the relationship once your out of it...

After I got divorced, I didn't think I'd ever want to get married again, but when I met him, that changed. He treats me better than I ever realized I was meant to be treated. I am so in love!! (I know, I know, cut the mush!)
You should be saying he treats you as you should be treated. I am glad you found someone who really cares for you in this way. My fiance wrote men off out of her life and after her abusive relationship with her ex-husband she said she never wanted to be in a relationship again let alone a marriage and used men for one thing and one thing only...

Anyway, since I feel the way I do, and neither of us have children and we're not getting any younger, I'm feeling a little anxious about continuing in a relationship if it's not going where I want it to go.
Do not get so anxious to not let the relationship develop to it's full potential. You might be cutting a guy lose who is really your soul mate. You have to look at it from a guys perspective too. He too has been in a relationship (marriage) that has not worked out and I am sure he has a lot of apprehensive feelings too. The both of you are still in the stages of feeling each other out even though things are going really great. Sounds like you may not have communicated this too him because of a lot of your own unanswered questions you post in the thread.

Am I sounding too demanding? I don't want to give him an ultimatum but I feel like it's time to make a decision on where it's going.
Get his feedback on how you feel and realize that a decision right now might not neccessarily mean a ring on your finger, but with discussing both your needs you can project to him how you feel and based on his feedback maybe the both of you can come to a compromise on how you would like to see the relationship develop as time goes on. I know it might be tough, but from what you have said I think you should play this hand out (give it some time)
I'd like to hear some advice, especially from guys. If you think I should do it, how should I go about proposing?
I think a good question you can pose to him to get some feedback on how you might go about discussing your feeling is with an opener like, "Where do you see us a year from now?"Whatever the answer is you can start communicating your feelings and some anxieties you have about where the relationship is going and where you hope the relationship might go without scaring him. Guys need a reality check too and sometimes being intimidated helps us realize that we need to think about these things too. How he will react is unforseen, but if he really loves you he will be open with the conversation and want to hear your needs with out avoiding the subject.
If you don't think I should do it, what should I do to curb my biological clock anxiety? And do you think I would have to leave him to avoid heartbreak?

Whatever happens I don't think you should leave him, just be patient and see how the relationship develops and what comes out of the communication you guys share between each other about some of your needs "right now" in the relationship. If things are good now chances they will probably remain that way, but don't hesitate to voice your opinion, just do it in a rational way. I think you should wait a while before starting to turn the expectation level up a little...

I wish you the best....

Josh RIoux
Sitka, Alaska


----------------

 

[michigan guy]

Clara,
The worst thing you could possibly do is give this poor guy an ultimatum. Personally, if my girlfriend asked me to marry her, I would tell her no. But if you really want to get married and you're sure he won't ask you anytime soon... then go for it.

 

[Lanee]

Clara,

First, I have a question, would you accept a union without marriage but with children? These days the world is changing and that could really change your scenario. My cousin (who is divorced) will not get married but has no objection with having her live-in's child and living together forever.

Second, I think you should call your ob/gyn and ask for a fertility test. I'm not sure that's what it's called but my ob/gyn said there is a test. Age isn't necessarily the greatest indicator of what's going on with us biologically. If all us well, that may curb some of your bio-clock anxiety and you can wait for your BF to show some initiative. If not, then you really have to be true to yourself. What do you really want?

Third, if you want to know what his intentions are, feel him out. Bring up the topic. If his reaction is "H*ll, no-never again!" then you have some thinking to do. I would (I am not advising) end things since I definitely have every intention of remarrying and no sense in spending time with someone who is adament about the opposite. My BF and I had this talk a few months into the relationship and he said he thought he'd just not get married because if things don't work out, you just leave. I asked him to leave right then. He had a change of heart the next day and we bought a house together and have a plan for marriage. However, you have to be prepared to live with that decision if he doesn't come crawling back with a change of heart. I was and I cried myself to sleep that night because I had found Mr. Right the second time around but he didn't want to get married so I had to start accepting he wasn't coming back. If I had known a day later he would ask me to buy ahouse with him I would have saved my tears for our wedding day. That's the worst case scenario. He could however, say he loves the idea or- be in the middle. Doesn't rule it out but isn't ready yet.

**** I need to mention that the house buying wasn't a stall tactic. He was talking about buying a house with his mother and that's what started the talk. I asked what he would do with the house when he got married because I (speaking for myself and not assuming at that time that I would be his wife though we both had already professed our love for each other) would never live in a house I didn't pick or a house that I didn't own. I made this mistake with the first husband. And that started it all . . .