The waiting is the hardest part!

[thatsthegirl212]

Hi everyone, I''m a newbie but have known about this site for awhile and often come here to read so many stories like my own! I''ve been dating my bf for nearly a year. I was in a summer share at the hamptons and he owned a house there and threw some huge party nearly every weekend that summer. He had a girlfriend at the time, some model, so we were just friendly although he told me later he had a crush on me. We lost touch when the summer was over and then I ran into him a year later at a charity event and well, here we are almost a year later! He has his own place and recently started entertaining the idea of us living together and although I''d love to I don''t want to just live with someone and have it go nowhere, I''ve done that before and have no desire to go through it again. My question is how do you bring up the whole ''where do you see this going'' conversation? He brought up the living together thing, we were at his place and getting ready to go out and I realized I''d left my ID at my place (he lives in Tribeca and I live on the upper east side - for the non NYC folks that''s like the distance between NY & LA!!!) so he made a comment about if I lived with him that wouldn''t be a problem if I forgot something. So here I am, trying not to read into it but of course I am and I''m not sure how to bring up the ''where are we going'' talk or even if I''m ready for that! What do you think?

 

[Indylady]

I think that if he''s started talking about living together, its perfectly okay/expected to talk about marriage! I think it would be best to have an honest and open discussion (aka no hinting and attempting to gauge the reaction to said hints); I wouldn''t plan out a speech before I mention, because if you do he might feel a little bit cornered for an immediate response. Good luck!

 

[katomm]

I agree with the above, it is definitely a good time to have a discussion about the future if you''re talking about living together. Have you told him how you felt in your previous situation of living together and the relationship not going anywhere?

My BF brought up living together and I immediately told him I thought he knew I didn''t believe in it before marriage. The discussion was short, my mind was set. It came up again a couple of days later and he pretty much said he could never marry someone he hasn''t lived with, he needs to know all the little daily things (he was in a 7 year and a 10 year living situation w/ previous ex GFs).

I thought on what he said for over a week and decided that if it was going to take me living with him for a few months before he could open up to marriage then I was willing to take the chance. It''s now been 4 months living together and I told myself at 6 months I wanted to be engaged. Lately he''s been talking about weddings and stuff but not in the mind like we''re going to get married. A couple of months ago I flat out told him I''ve been ready to marry him for about a year and he was shocked but accepting.

I can accept that he''s not quite ready but he does realize I won''t do this forever and that getting married is inevitable if he wants to be with me. I think it''s coming soon but he could surprise me, who knows. I just know that I''m not on the 3-year, 5-year, 7-year plans. No way!

 

[suchende]

If you''re not sure you''re ready for that talk, maybe it''s too soon-- both for the discussion and for moving in together.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/6/2009 9:33:19 AM
Author: suchende
If you''re not sure you''re ready for that talk, maybe it''s too soon-- both for the discussion and for moving in together.

That. If you don''t want to live with him unless you''re headed towards marriage and you''re not sure you are ready for that I don''t see the need for the conversation at all. Next time he brings it up I''d tell him exactly that: "You''ve mentioned moving in together a few times and it''s not something I want to do unless we''re headed towards marriage. I don''t think we''re at that point in our relationship yet and I''m not willing to live with someone just to make life easier. Perhaps we can discuss this in X months and see where we''re at."

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/6/2009 10:54:25 AM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 7/6/2009 9:33:19 AM
Author: suchende
If you''re not sure you''re ready for that talk, maybe it''s too soon-- both for the discussion and for moving in together.

That. If you don''t want to live with him unless you''re headed towards marriage and you''re not sure you are ready for that I don''t see the need for the conversation at all. Next time he brings it up I''d tell him exactly that: ''You''ve mentioned moving in together a few times and it''s not something I want to do unless we''re headed towards marriage. I don''t think we''re at that point in our relationship yet and I''m not willing to live with someone just to make life easier. Perhaps we can discuss this in X months and see where we''re at.''

Very solid advice from KimberlyH.

 

[thatsthegirl212]

Thanks everyone! I know that I have totally fallen for D but thinking about the future is a bit scary. When I met him I was in a relationship that was falling apart completely and it was a very long & drawn out break up, painful on both sides. When I started dating D it helped me see that there was so much more to a relationship than what I had been in previously. D is much more mature than any other guy I''ve ever dated, I guess I really want this to work out but am afraid that is I bring up ''the talk'' he''ll get all weird and feel pressured like many guys typically do. And although he''s the one who has made little comments about us living together, what if he feels like I''m cornering him?
Do you want to know what''s really freaky though? About a few months after I first met D (we had become friends) my friends and I went to a fortune teller because we thought it would be fun. Well, I was still in that nightmare relationship that I was still hoping against hope that would work out because I thought we were meant to be. When it was my turn to have my fortune told the teller told me to ask the tarot cards a question (in my head) and of course I asked if me and the nightmare guy would get married (we had been together for nearly 4 years). The teller than took my palm and looked at the cards and said that I had already met the man I would marry but the stars were not aligned for us yet. She also said she saw coins circling his head which apparantly meant he had money and that he had an honest & true soul. He also would view the world through black&white. She said this man with the green eyes and I would marry and have two children. D has green eyes, is wealthy and although it''s not his profession, he takes pretty incredible photographs, all in black&white. At the time I brushed it off because I was hung up on the nightmare guy and didn''t give what said a second thought until one of the girls I had gone there with had her fortune essentially come true. The teller had told her after a whirlwind relationship and marrige her and her husband would start a family. Well, after dating only 6 months her and her now husband are married and according to her are trying to get pregnant. When she told me all this she reminded me about what the fortune teller had told me and I swear I got chills because I had forgotten what I had been told (or most likely repressed it because I''d didn''t seem to apply to mr. Nightmare), but my friend, bless get heart had written down what this teller had told the 4 of us who had went. Now is that totally freaky?