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the upgrade she didnt want

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Margarw

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Yesterday, I posted about a colleagues quest to upgrade his wife''s er, only to find out that she didn''t want anything larger than the 1c she currently has. She scoffed about my 2c solitaire as being "too big." This is what I''m interested in...why is some consider it showy or ostentatious (sp?) if a woman proudly sports a beautifully expensive diamond, but we don''t think twice about a guy picking up a Harley to tool around on over the weekend, or a little sports car to have fun with. I can''t picture this woman telling her husband that his Alfa is "over the top." Why does society tend to view a guy spending $25k on a bike (weekend toy) then a woman spending 25K on some beautiful bling.... Any thoughts on this topic?
 

jaz464

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Everyone is different and has different priorities and likes/dislikes. I wouldn't say that everyone thinks it is just fine to buy an expensive sports car or bike. Some people just want a vehicle that gets them from point A to point B. Some people like to spend their money on diamonds, while others would rather buy a boat, or renovate their house or whatever. Different people value different things.

Maybe the woman has children that she needs to save money for college for. Many women feel guilty spending a great deal of money on themselves when there is always something their children could use.

Also, spending 25k on a vehicle is much more common than spending 25k on jewelry. Afterall, a sportcar is more 'useful' than a ring. Most of us can't live without a form of transportation. We can do with jewelry if have to.
 

neatfreak

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For me it doesn't have to do about the money, but more a comfort level. I like to be able to travel freely, do outdoor activities, etc., and something that big would just make me feel uncomfortable. I would just feel as if people were staring at it all day.

But if my husband wanted to spend that much on me for something I could certainly find another way to spend it!

ETA: I also live in the Midwest currently, where anything over 3/4 of a carat and REAL gets plenty of attention. It isn't common here to have big rocks. I think if I lived in somewhere where it was more common (like SoCal) I would feel better about it.
 

Margarw

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You are right - people do have different values, and needs should always come before wants. I would never advocate a large pleasure purchase of any sort, if it couldn''t be afforded. My thoughts are this though, Jim pulling up to the office on his new Harley wouldnt be gossiped about as much as Mary sporting her new bling. I think that in general, it''s accepted for boys to have expensive toys, but when a woman wants one, they''re considered materialistic. Thoughts?
 

diamondseeker2006

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IN my case we could have spent $25,000 on my new ring, and my husband would not have cared. But because all the women I am around in my daily life still have their original e-rings of about 1 ct. or less, I did not feel comfortable wearing 2 cts. In fact, I was looking in the 1.4-1.5 range, but found a diamond at 1.6 that had the perfect specs. The girls here had to talk me into buying it, seriously! But now that I've had it for awhile, I am used to the size, and while it is noticably larger than my old one, I haven't had comments from friends asking what happened to my rings! So I think I struck a good compromise between 1 and 2 cts. But if I lived in a larger city where I was around larger diamonds, I'd be happy to have a 2 carat stone.

ETA: MY husband has always had an old Porsche as a second car because it is his hobby to restore them, but I would feel uneasy if he drove a $60,000 new Porsche since that is far from the norm of our friends. I think you have to compare rings to rings and cars to cars. I think the same applies to houses, etc.
 

ebonykawai

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Date: 3/10/2007 8:57:36 AM
Author: Margarw
You are right - people do have different values, and needs should always come before wants. I would never advocate a large pleasure purchase of any sort, if it couldn''t be afforded. My thoughts are this though, Jim pulling up to the office on his new Harley wouldnt be gossiped about as much as Mary sporting her new bling. I think that in general, it''s accepted for boys to have expensive toys, but when a woman wants one, they''re considered materialistic. Thoughts?
I agree. And I hate the way many women are seen as gold diggers. Now granted, some women are, I guess, but I look at it as more of a survival thing. Anna Nicole Smith married that millionaire and everyone called her a gold digger. But...uh...that guy chose to marry her and I think it''s safe to say he got what he wanted out of the relationship.


In my mind, society has always said that women have to be taken care of, but then when they actually go forward and take care of their own wants and needs, like marrying a millionaire or getting that 2ct. stone, suddenly it''s seen as being greedy or materialistic. I have no clue why. Society in regards to women has always been seriously messed up.
 

justjulia

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Date: 3/10/2007 10:27:23 AM
Author: ebonykawai

Date: 3/10/2007 8:57:36 AM
Author: Margarw
You are right - people do have different values, and needs should always come before wants. I would never advocate a large pleasure purchase of any sort, if it couldn''t be afforded. My thoughts are this though, Jim pulling up to the office on his new Harley wouldnt be gossiped about as much as Mary sporting her new bling. I think that in general, it''s accepted for boys to have expensive toys, but when a woman wants one, they''re considered materialistic. Thoughts?
I agree. And I hate the way many women are seen as gold diggers. Now granted, some women are, I guess, but I look at it as more of a survival thing. Anna Nicole Smith married that millionaire and everyone called her a gold digger. But...uh...that guy chose to marry her and I think it''s safe to say he got what he wanted out of the relationship.


In my mind, society has always said that women have to be taken care of, but then when they actually go forward and take care of their own wants and needs, like marrying a millionaire or getting that 2ct. stone, suddenly it''s seen as being greedy or materialistic. I have no clue why. Society in regards to women has always been seriously messed up.
Profound observation.
 

Margarw

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You have captured my thoughts on this matter perfectly!!!!! Your words are exactly the message I was trying to convey. Society doesn''t blink an eye when a guy goes out and drops a wad of bills on a new bike, boat, etc. or worse yet, takes out a loan to finance a new bike.... a woman tells her co-workers she bought herself an extravagant stone, or worse yet, financed one....yikes....guess which scenario garners the most gossip... Gotta love equality
 

havernell

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I''ve always heard the joke that men who get fast flashy sports cars are really just trying to hide some insecurity (i.e. small size of his male member) so perhaps that is the male equivalent to the female "gold digger" perception. Therefore, I don''t think guys who buy sports cars get off quite as scott free in other people''s minds as you make it sound. People will judge others no matter what.

I don''t know- maybe I don''t discriminate in my gawking, but I *do* see a guy spending tons on a sports car or bike just as frivolous, ostentatious, and over the top as a woman spending a ton on a diamond. Now, frivolous, etc doesn''t mean bad! It just means they spent a lot on an unneccessary toy, plain and simple.
 

risingsun

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Oh no! I have a flashy red sports car, as well as my new diamond. I wonder what people will say about me
I do think that some of my co-workers think I''m "indulged," however they don''t know why/how my DH and I have made the choices we have. It''s also none of their business. I also think I am more quickly judged than he, especially on the sportscar
 

colorkitty

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I disagree with your assessment of society. I don''t know any married man with a stockpile of toys while his wife lacks in bling. In fact, it''s very much the opposite.
 

Margarw

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Frivolous and unnecessary.... let me ask this question. Assuming the money is available for me to spend, why not? Perhaps I''m being defensive, but personally I am with Rising Sun on this one. Why do you consider a nice sports car, a bike or a big rock as "ostentatious" sp? and "over the top"? At 40 years old, I have a successful career , and am fortunate to be able to afford some of life luxuries, which include a beautiful home, a luxury car and nice jewelrey. My husband and I have no children (except for our four legged ones) so why shouldn''t we enjoy our life? The reality of life is that some are able to afford more than others. I would never judge someone with a lesser income and I don''t think it''s fair for society to pass judgement on our lifestyle choices. We are not snooty or elitist, honestly, just the opposite. Isn''t it really what''s inside that counts? Would driving an economy car and wearing a smaller stone make me a better person?
 

jaz464

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I have a decent sized e-ring (2 carats) and I can honestly say I never noticed that society judges women harsher when they spend a large amount of money on a piece of jewerly vs a man buying a car, boat, RV, etc. Furthermore, I don''t feel any different towards a man who buys a sportscar or towards a woman who sports a big rock on her finger. I wonder why some here have noticed a big discrepancy when I have never even considered it.
 

DonaBella

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I think it is very interesting to hear everyone's views on this. I feel everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it should never be imposed on others of what one views is acceptable or not. Of course we all have our opinions, but that gives none of us the right to point a finger at someone who is doing something we feel is completely different from us.

Believe me, being a mom of 9 kids, having a hubby who has taken very good care of me, I have alot of opinions tossed my way. Not just about my size of family, but asking me if I know what causes it, telling me to not indulge myself on too much for my family's sake( shoes, handbags, bling, whatever...), as if it is their place to do so. For the most part, I handle myself quite politely and allow whoever with more dignity than they permit me and leave it alone.


What I do or my husband does with our funds or don't do is our choice. I do agree that one's environment, friends, church associations, etc., affect one's choices, but in reality, I do what I want and know is ok for me and my family.

I spent most of my teens, twenties, and thirties, I did all I could to please, please, please. One day after I had turned 41, I awakened to the realization that I can't and didn't want to continue that cycle that brought me no pleasure or true satisfaction anymore. Saying no to what others expected of me has been so liberating! I do not have to give in to my hubby's friends wanting us to buy jet skis or a boat or whatever. We bought me a $16K wedding ring set and others scoffed as they admired my ring. When I mentioned that my hubby wanted to get me a bigger stone for our 30th anniversary or sooner, one friend scolded me for wanting something so materialistic.


I mean, c'mon! I gave him 9 kids and he has a solid marriage and a good life. I do ALOT for our family and am I demanding X amount of $ to blow all the time? No. I was put off by her comment a wee bit, but I later realized that she and others are just a tad jealous and that is their own issues. Do I care about them any less? No, but I do not discuss this or anything close to it with them cuz of their strong opinions.


Hey, I just got back from a week's stay in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. My friend had work there and she asked my hubby to let me get some R and R there. He was such a doll and said for me to go. Now that was priceless to me what he did. I know others in my life have their judgements about me doing this with 7 kids at home, but I don't really care...


Sorry for this lengthy post, but I had to say my piece...thanks...and sorry if I offended anyone for my thoughts!
 

lumpkin

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Date: 3/10/2007 8:57:36 AM
Author: Margarw
You are right - people do have different values, and needs should always come before wants. I would never advocate a large pleasure purchase of any sort, if it couldn''t be afforded. My thoughts are this though, Jim pulling up to the office on his new Harley wouldnt be gossiped about as much as Mary sporting her new bling. I think that in general, it''s accepted for boys to have expensive toys, but when a woman wants one, they''re considered materialistic. Thoughts?
If the woman is wearing a huge rock but her husband is driving a 1985 Jetta and works two jobs while she''s doing lunch, then I''d probably be judgmental. If she''s wearing old clothes from the discount department store, wearing an ugly chip and he''s driving a new Lexus, then I''d probably be a little judgmental. I think there just needs to be balance, and of course, an income and budget that allows for luxury items.
 

ebonykawai

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Date: 3/10/2007 5:45:08 PM
Author: jazmine
I have a decent sized e-ring (2 carats) and I can honestly say I never noticed that society judges women harsher when they spend a large amount of money on a piece of jewerly vs a man buying a car, boat, RV, etc. Furthermore, I don't feel any different towards a man who buys a sportscar or towards a woman who sports a big rock on her finger. I wonder why some here have noticed a big discrepancy when I have never even considered it.
Well, whenever people use the term "gold digger", it's almost always relating to a woman. I've never heard the term applied to a man. And we're not really talking specifically about that right now, but I've read quite a few posts on this forum about a gf wishing her bf would spend a bit more on her ering, especially in cases where he has the money, will pay cash, and has lots of toys for himself already. Some of the comments directed to these ladies swing over to the "gold digger" side, eg. why they want more than their bf is willing to give. I guess it doesn't matter that the bf is 'conservative' **coughcheapcough**, all that matters to some posters is that the lady wants a bigger rock. Well, who wouldn't want, for instance, a 1ct over a 1/2ct, or whatever the case may be? Why are these ladies always thought of as gold diggers? Why aren't the guys ever thought of as cheap?

I'm probably not answering the question really, LOL. I know what it is I mean, but I don't think I'm saying it right. Let me try this: I think maybe it can be said that society might think a little bit differently about an attached man who wants a very expensive toy, vs an attached woman who wants a big diamond. And I think that's because it might be seen by society that the man bought his own toy ("Well, he worked hard for it and got it himself, that self-sufficient man"), whereas the woman had to have a man buy her a big diamond ("She got him to buy that for her, that dependant gold digger"), even when that's totally not the case.

I don't know that this applies so much to single people.

Deana, that's where I find myself too, finally. My kids are older now and one will be flying the coop next year, and I was finally able to get the ering I never had. And two other nice pieces.
I've done a lot for my family, I've given them my time, love, sacrifices, etc, and it's time for me to live a little now. Hubby totally agrees, and we got him a nice diamond RHR as well. Why not?? We deserve it!
 

Margarw

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2007
Messages
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Deanne - I would love to see your wedding set - I bet it is just beautiful - as is the fact that you have chosen to be a mother to 9!!!! Your husband sounds wonderful, and I''m sure is lucky to have you as a wife! Post some pictures, and if you want a larger ring for your 30th go for it! These days, many marriages don''t survive 10 years and one child, let alone 30 years and 9 children! Life is precious....enjoy and love....
 

lisaC

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Even if it is her personal opinion that it is too big for her taste that was pretty rude. All that was required was Congratulations- wear it proudly
 

Adylon

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Perhaps it had nothing to do with size but quality? I have no idea what the specs on your 2ct diamond is but perhaps hers is a D/IF and she has no interest in a larger diameter size? I''ve been to a few auctions with rare and expensive gems, it''s the women that tend to buy the flashy big 5+ct SI+ G+ diamonds and the men who buy the rare stones VVS+/D or VS/Fancy Blue or Pink, etc. regardless of size for their private collections. Some do not even wear them. So you can spend $25k many different ways when it comes to an e-ring... some people will go for bling and others will want something more special/rare.
 

Beacon

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2,037
I have a hard time relating to the whole concept here.

Your colleague "scoffed" at your 2 carat. Well, that was rude. One would not "scoff" at her one carat and be polite.

I think it''s more about her personal issues.

I don''t think society objects to women spending money on diamonds or whatever else she wants. Actually whole segments of our economy are built and driven by luxury goods for ladies!

Some want diamonds, some want cars, some want vacations. Whatever. Like Annie Lenox says, "everybody''s looking for something."

I wouldn''t think about it twice. Just get what you want and enjoy that.
 

Cehrabehra

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this thread is cracking me up - my husband has a red convertable and I have an over 2 carat diamond LOL Of course the rule on the car is - whomever has fewer children gets it hehehe ;-) He''s driven the minivan to work so the girls and I can blast music with the top down being giddy and guess who has the most popular girls night out car? haha!! Can''t wait to wear the diamond AND the car heheheheehe My husband wanted a convertable - I told him to get the red one. Neither of us are having midlife anxiety issues at the moment lol He thinks I''m more spoiled because diamonds are useless and all the techy toys are useFUL but really its pretty equal if you make him take the ''credit'' for the car hahaha
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 3/10/2007 2:16:00 PM
Author: havernell
I''ve always heard the joke that men who get fast flashy sports cars are really just trying to hide some insecurity (i.e. small size of his male member) so perhaps that is the male equivalent to the female ''gold digger'' perception. Therefore, I don''t think guys who buy sports cars get off quite as scott free in other people''s minds as you make it sound. People will judge others no matter what.

I don''t know- maybe I don''t discriminate in my gawking, but I *do* see a guy spending tons on a sports car or bike just as frivolous, ostentatious, and over the top as a woman spending a ton on a diamond. Now, frivolous, etc doesn''t mean bad! It just means they spent a lot on an unneccessary toy, plain and simple.
bahaha - that''s not an issue either ;-)
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 3/10/2007 5:22:42 PM
Author: Margarw
Isn''t it really what''s inside that counts? Would driving an economy car and wearing a smaller stone make me a better person?
yes, it is what is inside that counts.... and this is in no way meant as a slam, but what you said in the last sentence could easily be answered "yes!" if the money you saved was used to help those in need. I''m here spending money on diamonds so I obviously don''t think every spare penny is required (or I''d be on some anti-diamond board screaming feed the children or something) but sacrifice definitely *can* make you a better person.
 

Margarw

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Wow - this thread took a wild turn - so thought provoking. It got a little diluted,but what happened was last week I was helping a colleague who wanted to purchase an upgrade for his wife (their anniv.). He was looking for a nice 2 carat (he had seen mine, and really liked it.) Anyhoo, he was talking about going to a B&M, and I told him about this board, and made some suggestions, and offered to assist him in his quest. Last Friday, I met his wife for the very first time. She met him at our office, and they were going to have lunch. He came back from lunch and said that the quest for the upgrade was off, and that instead he''d suprise her with a trip (Europe.) Apparently, at lunch, she said something to him about noticing my ring, and that she thought it was too big (for her taste) and that she''d never want anything bigger than the 1c she already has. When he came back from lunch he shared that with me.

This whole thing got me thinking about why it is that some women are uncomfortable with things that they consider "showy" and also about the fact that while a woman might say she would be uncomfortable with something "big", I don''t know too many guys that wouldn''t drive a classic porshe, because it is "too showy."

I really appreciate the differing opinions on this thread, after all, differences are what makes this world a better place! How boring would life be if we were all carbon copies of one another! Thanks all!
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 3/11/2007 6:13:32 PM
Author: Margarw
Wow - this thread took a wild turn - so thought provoking. It got a little diluted,but what happened was last week I was helping a colleague who wanted to purchase an upgrade for his wife (their anniv.). He was looking for a nice 2 carat (he had seen mine, and really liked it.) Anyhoo, he was talking about going to a B&M, and I told him about this board, and made some suggestions, and offered to assist him in his quest. Last Friday, I met his wife for the very first time. She met him at our office, and they were going to have lunch. He came back from lunch and said that the quest for the upgrade was off, and that instead he''d suprise her with a trip (Europe.) Apparently, at lunch, she said something to him about noticing my ring, and that she thought it was too big (for her taste) and that she''d never want anything bigger than the 1c she already has. When he came back from lunch he shared that with me.

This whole thing got me thinking about why it is that some women are uncomfortable with things that they consider ''showy'' and also about the fact that while a woman might say she would be uncomfortable with something ''big'', I don''t know too many guys that wouldn''t drive a classic porshe, because it is ''too showy.''

I really appreciate the differing opinions on this thread, after all, differences are what makes this world a better place! How boring would life be if we were all carbon copies of one another! Thanks all!
I wonder what her reasons are... I have reasons I wouldn''t want a super huge diamond - well not as my main ring. I''d take one for an occasional ring any day!! But I like having a ring I can "abuse" with daily life and I can very much see the practicality of having a 1 carat stone. Diamonds aren''t for everyone!! I hope she enjoys europe!!
 

Haven

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13,166
Amen, Beacon.

Neatfreak--where do you live in the midwest? I''m in Chicago and it seems like anything under 1.25 is considered small! There are 25 year olds running around with 2.5 carat rings, and nobody seems to bat an eye. How funny that diamond habits seem to be as regional as dialects!

Marg--You are right, this certainly turned into an interesting thread. I hope your friend enjoys her trip to Europe!
 

neatfreak

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Date: 3/11/2007 9:09:10 PM
Author: Haven
Amen, Beacon.


Neatfreak--where do you live in the midwest? I'm in Chicago and it seems like anything under 1.25 is considered small! There are 25 year olds running around with 2.5 carat rings, and nobody seems to bat an eye. How funny that diamond habits seem to be as regional as dialects!


Marg--You are right, this certainly turned into an interesting thread. I hope your friend enjoys her trip to Europe!
Wisconsin.
Things seem to be quite a bit slower/smaller around here. I'm from the East Coast originally and things are sure different here! I actually went to Chicago yesterday to do some shopping on Michigan Ave and I was blinded by all the bling. Not much bling to be had here in WI. In fact I think my ring will be one of the fanciest/biggest of anyone I know and it'll only be a .81 set in platinum!

I should also mention that I am in graduate school, so the crowd I hang out with doesn't have a lot of extra cash and if many of them did they would probably buy a Prius instead of diamond if you catch my drift...
 

poptart

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This is such an interesting thread indeed.

Margarw: I can see why the wife''s comment would have miffed you, but I would like to think that she didn''t mean it in a rude way. If I were presented with a possible 2 ct diamond upgrade in the future, I would also turn it down because it was too big for my taste. But it would have absolutely no reflection on anyone else''s 2 ct diamonds. I kind of see it like this: people don''t wear certain colors or styles of clothing because it does not flatter them, and in the same way perhaps she felt a larger stone would not look good *on her*. Which of course doesn''t mean that your ring looks bad on you. But maybe I am misunderstanding and she actually did mean it in a rude way.

*M*
 

diamondfan

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Some people can carry it off comfortably and some cannot or do not wish to. Since she saw yours, and was just telling hubby it might be too much for her, I say, God bless, he should NOT get it for her, and they should go to Europe and have a memorable trip. To each his own. I am never one to turn down bling, I no sooner get a gift and I am plotting what I would like next!!! But really, there is no rule that all women have to or want to have big stones. There are many reasons why they may not but in the end it really does not matter. Maybe she would rather have a great painting or go on a great trip. Totally fine. I always say, as long as your bills are paid and you have your priorties in order, you can and should do what ever you like with your money, as long as it is ethical, moral and legal, that is!!
 

lumpkin

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Date: 3/11/2007 9:24:59 PM
Author: poptart
This is such an interesting thread indeed.

Margarw: I can see why the wife''s comment would have miffed you, but I would like to think that she didn''t mean it in a rude way. If I were presented with a possible 2 ct diamond upgrade in the future, I would also turn it down because it was too big for my taste. But it would have absolutely no reflection on anyone else''s 2 ct diamonds. I kind of see it like this: people don''t wear certain colors or styles of clothing because it does not flatter them, and in the same way perhaps she felt a larger stone would not look good *on her*. Which of course doesn''t mean that your ring looks bad on you. But maybe I am misunderstanding and she actually did mean it in a rude way.

*M*
I agree. I have seen a few really big rocks and I just LOVE to look at them! Would I love to have one? Oh, my goodness, yes. But there is a point where I would have to cut off. Size is soooooo relative. I could not carry off a 2 carat diamond. It would completely distract me from all the daily things I have going on -- actually it has -- I had one, LOL! It was just too much for me. But although it''s too much for ME, I would certainly love to oggle yours and admire it on you. As long as you are comfortable with it, REALLY comfortable with it, I think you should wear it happily and not give what someone else thinks a second thought.

People spend their money differently but most people have a weakness of some sort. I''ve seen it with neighbors and family alike, who can''t understand how one family spends so much money on clothes, or toys for their kids, or the new car, or home furnishings and decor, etc., when they have a boat, jet skis and a time share or a lake house or two closets full of shoes and hats or they vacation every year! Really, it''s up to you and your husband how you spend your disposable income, and no one else''s. Likewise, I TRY not to judge how others spend theirs even though I sometimes don''t appreciate the same interests they have. I''ve even caught myself thinking, "They could afford the diamond they seem jealous of me for if they wouldn''t buy so much impulse crap." Which is true, they could, but they like THEIR crap! They can somehow justify spending $200 at Michael''s every few weeks and end up not using a lot of it and having nowhere to store it, but can''t understand spending the same amount of money on one thing (can you tell I am thinking of someone in particular!), especially jewelry, even though it''s something to be worn daily and doesn''t take up storage....oh, well. We can''t make everyone else have our priorities, darn it all!!!
 
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