the scary and stressful side of weddings and marriage

[sillyberry]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. On the board here, and in life in general, people want to talk about the excitement of the engagement and the wedding details and how thrilled you are to be getting married to the love of your life.

And I am totally excited about getting engaged and into the wedding details and totally thrilled about getting married to the love of my life.

But at the same time, I am stressed out and anxious in all sorts of unexpected ways. My FI and I have fought, largely over the fact he was not into having a wedding in the first place and thus cannot make himself as excited and into the wedding as I would like him to be, which in my head translates into him not being excited and into marrying me. And then there is the whole thing about getting MARRIED, hopefully for the rest of our lives. One person that from this day forth will constitute the bulk of my life. And as much as I love him, and I do, to me there is something fundamentally scary about that. Neither of us are the product of functional happy marriages and life-long commitment hasn't really been modeled for us. Plus just general anxiety about choosing a single person to complete me forever. So every argument, no matter how insignificant, becomes a debate in my head about whether or not this is evidence of some fundamental incompatibility. And general fears about having to compromise after a long time of making decisions on my own without having to take anyone else into consideration. Add in the stresses of major serious home renovation on my mom's house, trying and failing to buy our own house in a city neither of us currently live in, his anxiety about moving to said new city away from the place he's always lived, on top of the two of us living apart for this year, and I think I'm going to burst. Plus last night I stepped on my brand new Kindle.

Anyway, it feels like these worries and doubts and anxiety have to exist in secret, because saying them out loud or talking about anything other than cake flavors and bridesmaids dresses would somehow taint the process, or create judgment from others, or do something bad. Yesterday at the caterer's office I just melted down. Fortunately my catering consultant is just about the most wonderful woman in the world, and she calmly and gently explained the difference between cold feet and doubts, and all the ways her wonderful and loving husband is very similar to my FI, and how she wanted to stab him in his sleep during the wedding process but is still delighted to have actually married him. She actually could predict, down to the phrase, the things we have said to one another that have hurt our feelings. Both she and my wedding planner have said the last month is stressful and we're not the first couple crumpling under the stress.

I am not asking for advice about whether or not we should be getting married - we should and we are. We love each other, balance each other, and are happy together. We both want to marry each other.

But some sense that I'm not crazy, from current brides and those who have come before me, would be nice. That to some degree we all gloss over the hard stuff in favor of focusing on the pretty dresses and the color schemes. That having feelings other than just "over the moon" about giving up the single part of one's life is okay and normal.

And, if I am in fact the only one, then perhaps I should know that too?

 

[asymons412]

First of all, I am so sorry about your kindle! (Now that the important things are out of the way... )

Neither of us are the product of functional happy marriages and life-long commitment hasn't really been modeled for us. Plus just general anxiety about choosing a single person to complete me forever. So every argument, no matter how insignificant, becomes a debate in my head about whether or not this is evidence of some fundamental incompatibility

You are normal. Before I say anything else, let me give you a piece of advice that has come from living with my now-fiance for about a year now.

FH and moved in together a year ago, unengaged, and boy did we clash on occasion. I had these exact feelings; every argument made me call into question whether he cared about me, whether I could "live" with "this" for the rest of my life (we knew that engagement was down the road), whether I wanted those changes. Although living together has dramatically helped our relationship, we had a few close calls because we still had the option of "backing out" every time those thoughts came up, and boy did I know it.

You are engaged. You know that you love him, you need to trust your own judgement in saying "yes." You need to look at every argument as not a chance to opt out, but a chance to improve and define your marriage before your wedding day. The second thing you need to do is constantly ask yourself, are my responses and actions showing the love I have for my fiance? It's easy to get wrapped up in stress and start hurting eachother.

That's my opinion, since you know that he's the one and you love him. I know it's scary, trust me, but the first step is to stop even thinking about the option to "back out," unless something really does go wrong. Don't be afraid to let your fiance know that you are feeling these things either; tell him and ask for his help, don't keep it a secret.

(haha sorry this is so long! I can just really relate).
Now, my parents were the "perfect" picture of marriage (or at least, that's how they kept it portrayed to us kids as a rule). I grew up "ewwing" at my parents kissing, the "never go to bed angry" rule, all of that. FH has not; his parents have openly argued about divorce in front of him and his sister countless times, and their marriage has been very rocky. My best advice is to figure out what you want your marriage to be (find the ideals that appeal to you) and make your fiance aware of them. Your marriage can be different. FH's parents argue a lot to this day, and so he used to tell me that "arguing a lot is normal for a couple." Not that couples don't argue, but the definition of aggressive back-and-forth was not something I wanted future promises for. So I told him that I believed in arguing a different way, and explained I think "arguments" should only be if you're feeling hurt or concerned about the other person and ideally never out of anger. It took a while, but we argue so much less and have really learned to question what our words and actions are saying about our relationship. (Not to say that we've totally changed our ways, but the idea is to get closer to what you believe is better.)

I'll leave the question of enthusiasm about weddings to everyone else. But I could ramble on that one too!

Just don't worry. It's okay to feel these things; I felt them too, before we were even engaged. You already found the love of your life; trust that.

 

[marymm]

I think what you're feeling is normal and healthy - I felt and thought many of the same things before/during/after my wedding - for me, I know much of it could be categorized as "fear of the unknown" - even when you KNOW you love someone and you KNOW they love you back, love is only part of the equation and we just don't know what life will throw at us and how each of us will react... And none of us is perfect and not only do we know all too well our own dark sides but we know the dark side of our chosen partner too.

Marriage is a big step, it is life-changing, it carries with it enormous and serious implications which will last a lifetime (generally speaking) - what you're thinking and feeling in terms of the scary and stressful side of weddings and marriage is just a way of seeing through to the other side, imagining what might happen and what issues may/may not arise, and what and how you can act and live in order to ensure your marriage is as you desire.

It's kind of like going to the beach expecting a nice, hot sunny day, so you bring your beach towel and your sunscreen and your bottled water, but you also bring a pullover in case the clouds roll in. Preparing yourself for something that never happens can be a good thing, as long as you don't carry it too far. Thinking about potential trouble zones (even if unlikely) can help you visualize what you could do or not do in order for them not to arise, or to react appropriately if/when they do arise.

I think it is normal to have these kinds of thoughts, b/c we spend so much time planning/scripting the wedding ceremony down to miniscule details, but all that will come after is unknowable. And I am a planner kind of person, I like to know, I am kind of an information hound - not knowing what was to come but knowing I would in fact be linked with this other person who of course is his own person and beyond my control (thank God), of course I wondered how it would all come together and if we/I could pull it off...

For us, and we've talked about this through the years since our marriage, what it comes down to is faith - faith in each other, faith we made the right choice, faith we are good people, faith we can rise above and get through what comes at us, and a belief in commitment to each other in good times and bad.

 

[Amys Bling]

I am also stresses and anxious about random things.... our entrance song for the reception...! lol, FI doens't care but yet I am so worried about picking the right song... the vendors showing up on time.... picking the pictures for our photo montage! ahhh! the list continues, when these are things that a. I prob won't remmeber or b. I have no control over...

 

[Echidna]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. On the board here, and in life in general, people want to talk about the excitement of the engagement and the wedding details and how thrilled you are to be getting married to the love of your life.

And I am totally excited about getting engaged and into the wedding details and totally thrilled about getting married to the love of my life.

But at the same time, I am stressed out and anxious in all sorts of unexpected ways. My FI and I have fought, largely over the fact he was not into having a wedding in the first place and thus cannot make himself as excited and into the wedding as I would like him to be, which in my head translates into him not being excited and into marrying me. And then there is the whole thing about getting MARRIED, hopefully for the rest of our lives. One person that from this day forth will constitute the bulk of my life. And as much as I love him, and I do, to me there is something fundamentally scary about that. Neither of us are the product of functional happy marriages and life-long commitment hasn't really been modeled for us. Plus just general anxiety about choosing a single person to complete me forever. So every argument, no matter how insignificant, becomes a debate in my head about whether or not this is evidence of some fundamental incompatibility. And general fears about having to compromise after a long time of making decisions on my own without having to take anyone else into consideration. Add in the stresses of major serious home renovation on my mom's house, trying and failing to buy our own house in a city neither of us currently live in, his anxiety about moving to said new city away from the place he's always lived, on top of the two of us living apart for this year, and I think I'm going to burst. Plus last night I stepped on my brand new Kindle.

Anyway, it feels like these worries and doubts and anxiety have to exist in secret, because saying them out loud or talking about anything other than cake flavors and bridesmaids dresses would somehow taint the process, or create judgment from others, or do something bad. Yesterday at the caterer's office I just melted down. Fortunately my catering consultant is just about the most wonderful woman in the world, and she calmly and gently explained the difference between cold feet and doubts, and all the ways her wonderful and loving husband is very similar to my FI, and how she wanted to stab him in his sleep during the wedding process but is still delighted to have actually married him. She actually could predict, down to the phrase, the things we have said to one another that have hurt our feelings. Both she and my wedding planner have said the last month is stressful and we're not the first couple crumpling under the stress.

I am not asking for advice about whether or not we should be getting married - we should and we are. We love each other, balance each other, and are happy together. We both want to marry each other.

But some sense that I'm not crazy, from current brides and those who have come before me, would be nice. That to some degree we all gloss over the hard stuff in favor of focusing on the pretty dresses and the color schemes. That having feelings other than just "over the moon" about giving up the single part of one's life is okay and normal.

And, if I am in fact the only one, then perhaps I should know that too?

OMG, Sillyberry, are we the same person?!

I could have written this almost verbatim. I've bolded the bits above that I particularly relate to.

Let me say this to you really clearly: you are NOT the only one. You are a smart, articulate, independent woman and you're thoughtfully going about the process of getting married. I think these feelings are part and parcel of getting married because it's a big transition and all transitions have an element of struggle (in my opinion).

I had to truthfully answer my FI the other day when he asked me if I was excited about getting married. We're 8 weeks out and unfortunately I had to say 'no'. I'm tired of planning. I'm tired of being "responsible" for such a big transition. He's trying his very best to help but he doesn't understand what I'm "stressing" about and this causes even more tension. I feel like it's a bridal conspiracy! No one wants to hear that you're not having much fun, that you're struggling, that it's putting pressure on your "real" life. Aaaarrggghhh! Come here and chat with me; we can agree on how it really is

Like marymm (wise lady!), I like to plan and have a fear of the unknown, so I tackled these feelings with research I love reading "A Practical Wedding" because I think they cover a lot of this. Books like "The Conscious Bride" helped me too. Have you seen these? They might not help you but I thought I'd put it out there.

 

[yssie]

::HUGS:: sillyberry!


Another voice to echo mary/echidna/asym's - you're perfectly normal! I would wager that every single bride-to-be in a healthy relationship could write that same post in the weeks before her wedding! Committing to one person - to support, be faithful to, share your life with *one* person, *for the rest of your life*, to never be a single gal again, is a HUGE thing to promise - it would be far more worrisome if you weren't thinking about the implications of it! But, as your consultant said, there's a big difference between nerves and worrying that you're making a huge mistake... I've found that my stomach often has a better handle on that than my head

You probably don't remember my few posts on BWW, but I was a pretty unenthusiastic bride. I didn't enjoy planning the event and by the end was more than a little resentful of the industry that demanded that I care about the details. I stressed about that, too - that my lack of interest in wedding prep indicated something deeper, that it was some sign that the marriage was doomed... sounds idiotic when I put it like that, but it kept me up at night!

And... if you're like me, and I think I'm pretty normal too, there'll be doubts and worries after the wedding, too. You'll sometimes wonder if you made the right choice at the right time, you'll sometimes wish you could shamelessly flirt with the cute guy at the bar. You'll have meltdowns about doing things as a married couple - taxes, loans.. You might sometimes resent no longer having the independence to come and go as you please, to always have to think about someone else. But at the same time those things are really exciting! And knowing that my *husband* is there for me - that he "officially" and publicly committed to watching out for me, supporting me, taking care of my interests, just as I did for him, is really the greatest feeling - and ultimately well worth giving up my single status for. My gut agrees.

 

[KittyGolightly]

Sillyberry, I think that what you're feeling is very normal. I'm just over one month from my wedding, and I'm one giant ball of anxiety and stress. I keep having nightmares about something going wrong at the wedding (last night, I dreamt that my wedding dress consisted of what appeared to be the bottom half of a slip and a puffy bomber jacket).

On top of that is the generalized fear of marriage. Don't get me wrong - I love my FI, and we both really want to get married. But we're both in our mid-30s, we're used to being independent, and the shift to being a married couple is going to be a big transition for us, especially since we've been living on opposite sides of the country the whole time we've been dating. It' scary.

Last week, we met with the minister who will be conducting our ceremony. Before the meeting, he asked us to write down the answers to the questions "What does marriage mean to me?" and "Why do I want to marry <other person's name>?" He asked us to work on our answers separately and be prepared to read them to each other at the meeting. It sounded incredibly corny to me, and I was not looking forward to it. However, it was incredibly reassurinng to hear my FI read his answers, and the process of writing down mine made me focus all the really good reasons we have for getting married.

I'm not suggesting that you should do this, but perhaps you two can find a weekend afternoon or an evening to forget about all the wedding details for a moment, and just focus on each other and all the reasons you love each other.

 

[vc10um]

I am low on sleep and high on stress, so I am not nearly articulate at this point, but I just wanted to chime in along with Echidna and the others and say you are not alone, Miss SB! You and I are both independent (nearly, or completely, to a fault...recalling our troubles with registering, for an example!) women who have spent our lives to this point living for ourselves, making decisions for ourselves, and being generally Type A and in charge of our own lives. Marriage throws a GIANT MONKEY WRENCH into our operating systems! I feel like I am having to reprogram my brain and how it makes decisions on a daily basis. I find myself having a LOT of trouble handing over any kind of authority or planning duties to FI because, gosh darnit, I like things MY WAY. And each time he calls me out on it (because he does, and as much as it pisses me off at the time, I am thankful, because he does it in a tactful way and I eventually come around and try to "fix" it...or at least remember it for next time...) I get that little twinge, question whether what we're doing is a good idea, and then it's back to the grind. FI is a product of a huge family with pretty much no history of divorce. I come from a family RIDDLED with it. There are so many fears that come from THAT that I can't even begin to articulate them.

So now that I'm done rambling, just know that you're not alone. FI asked me today if I was okay, and said "you've been on edge the last few days." I told him to get use to it...and by the time of the wedding, I fully expect him to no longer want to marry me. But, like yssie said...your gut knows. And at the end of the day, my gut is very happy to be marrying FI, and is looking forward to the rest of our life together...whatever that may hold!

 

[rosetta]

I think you'll be fine silly!

That's the trouble isn't it? How do you tell the difference between normal cold feet, and great big red flags?

Sometimes they seem exactly the same I'm sure.

 

[Haven]

I think you'll be fine silly!

That's the trouble isn't it? How do you tell the difference between normal cold feet, and great big red flags?

Sometimes they seem exactly the same I'm sure.

I agree with rosetta on all counts!

I had some anxieties before DH and I were married nearly three years ago. The biggest one all centered around the fact that once we were married he was always going to be there when I came home from work. I know this is going to sound so strange, but I really really really like being alone, and there were moments during our engagement when I thought "OH MY GOSH I CAN'T DO IT! I will never be alone again." (Do you watch SATC? It was like that episode where Carrie came home and Aidan was all "Hey! How you doing? Where you been? What'cha know?" and Carrie was all . That would have been me.)

Well, we got married and I realized lo and behold--HE likes to be alone, too! I am not the only one! (Shocking, huh?) We can be alone, together. We can retreat into our own little corners and pretend nobody else is around. He doesn't talk at me as soon as I walk in the door because he knows I want quiet time.

My point is this: when we're feeling anxieties, it often seems like we are all alone in those feelings and thus the problem is only ours. But, at least in my marriage, that's not the case. Whenever I was getting that sick feeling in my stomach about something, I'd tell him and he would say "I totally understand, because I have this xyz concern" and then I'd realize that getting married was scary for both of us at times, and as long as we were committed to doing right by each other and supporting each other, we could talk it out and it would be good. And it is.

I think major life-changing events are scary for anyone who really takes the time to contemplate what is about to happen. And I actually think it's not only normal, but healthy to feel some fear about it because that fear is a representation that you really do understand just how life-changing this upcoming event really is going to be.

Hugs and soothing back pats to you, Barrister SB. I was totally there once, and now I'm a happily married lady with a husband who knows when to shut it and leave me alone!

 

[sillyberry]

Thanks asymons, marymm, amys bling, Echidna, Yssie, KittyGolightly, vc, rosetta, and Haven.

Just typing out the words made me feel better, and then hearing that I wasn't alone made me feel even better. I'm so happy so many of you chose to share your thoughts and feelings about getting married. I feel less alone. That loneliness has been the hardest part.

Echidna, my FI actually picked up The Conscientious Bride from the library this morning! I'm looking forward to reading it.

KittyGolightly, I really like the idea of answering and sharing those questions. I really wanted to do something like pre-Cana, but I couldn't find any secular programs. I also couldn't find any secular pre-marital workbooks. They all seem to be religiously-oriented, which is fine, but not for us. It doesn't help that we're living apart, which adds to the difficulty of doing any type of program.

Thank you again. Sincerely. And if anyone else wants to chime in, I still want to hear what you have to say.

xoxo

 

[Haven]

You are not alone! I think you're totally right that we cover up our fear and anxiety with frosting and veils. I don't have one close girlfriend who did not have fears before she married, it is totally normal.

I really like the Gottman book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. DH and I read it together *after* we were married, and it led to a lot of great discussions about issues we probably wouldn't have otherwise discussed. If your library doesn't have it, I bet your local used bookstore does because I always see copies of it in the used bookstores around here.

 

[nicoleben]

You and me and a bunch of other ladies on this site feel the same way. So great of you to actually bring to light that we all do have tons of other feelings besides engagement, and flowers, and dresses, and colors. What a releif!

I also feel the same, but I know that without a doubt this is the man I want to marry. We all think about those other things in the back of our mind.. Him being the one and only etc.. Do not feel bad at all about how your feeling. If everything was glitter and butterflies someone is absolutely blinded by "love." The fact that you two are still together after all the stress, and moving away together etc. That says so much and I hope you realize that. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. We all question everything. Its natural. It'll all be ok sweetie ::hugs::

 

[nicoleben]

Is it bad to say that my fiance and I are actually counting down the days until the honeymoon, not the wedding.. hahahaha.. were both just so stressed out!!

 

[4ever]

Anyway, it feels like these worries and doubts and anxiety have to exist in secret, because saying them out loud or talking about anything other than cake flavors and bridesmaids dresses would somehow taint the process, or create judgment from others, or do something bad. Yesterday at the caterer's office I just melted down. Fortunately my catering consultant is just about the most wonderful woman in the world, and she calmly and gently explained the difference between cold feet and doubts, and all the ways her wonderful and loving husband is very similar to my FI, and how she wanted to stab him in his sleep during the wedding process but is still delighted to have actually married him. She actually could predict, down to the phrase, the things we have said to one another that have hurt our feelings. Both she and my wedding planner have said the last month is stressful and we're not the first couple crumpling under the stress.

Firstly, lol, this really cracked me up.

Secondly, I think rosetta put it best with not knowing the difference between red flag and cold feet. We hear women whos marriages break up talking about all the "signs" and "red flags" that they didn't notice and we think "Sh*t, what if this little scrap is one of those signs?". I figgure, if I'm not going to know till afterwards if that was some epic red flag or just a pre-wedding stressed out tiff, no point picking it to pieces and geting worked up about it now.

On the way home from my parents last night I talked to FI about how I was feeling aout the whole thing at the moment, which is I worry that I do things because it is the socially programmed and accepted thing to do rather then because I really really want to. Like what if I want to get married because society says all woman want to get married and then settle down and have babies and that that would be an achievement, and by getting married before all of my friends I "win". Or maybe I want to get married because that is "the next logical step" in a relationship, like weve been together 3 years now, time to get married! I think I'm just trying to keep the lines of conversation open so when, 2 weeks to go I freak out because FI is my first BF so I don't know what else is out there and have a comitaphobe moment we'll hopefully be able to talk about it and calm my crazy a$$ down.

 

[rosetta]

I look at it like this:

If the marriage is happy and successful I'll be like "oh honey, remember when we fought so much during wedding planning? Man, I got some serious cold feet then! Ha ha ha. Pass the wine please."

Cue all your friends and family nodding sagely whilst wearing an I-told-you-so expression.

If the marriage goes down the pooper I'll be all "I can't believe I ignored the bellowing ear-splitting warning bells! I mean, we fought so much during wedding planning! Give me that bottle now!!"

Cue all your friends and family nodding sagely whilst wearing an I-told-you-so expression.


It's all obvious in 20/20 retrospect-o-vision baby!

 

[Echidna]

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I took a stress questionaire once - you go down a list of over a hundred items and certain events or criteria are worth so many points, some big and some small. It turns out that even wonderfully happy things like getting married or taking vacations or getting a promotion at work count as "stress" and guess what? The year I was married might have qualified as the most stressful year of my life thus far, even though it was so wonderful. I moved, married, changed jobs, started graduate school, went on two vacations, yadda yadda yadda. Marriage is a major life changing event, and if someone doesn't feel the stress, then I'm not sure that they are entering into this state with the appropriate amount of consideration. Not to mention you are planning a social event for 100 people or more, something you probably have never had to do.

If it makes you feel any better, I bawled in my hotel room the night before my wedding because I was scared that my husband might not really love me and what if he was just going through with it because it was too late to back out. This was because I hadn't slept in forty hours and took his eagerness to visit with friends who had traveled across the globe versus spending some time with me meant he was avoiding me. It was certainly not my most rational moment and after some much needed sleep, I woke up calm and refreshed and had the most joyous day of my life.

Like Haven said, talking to your fiance can be your best solution. At least for me, even when my husband is the source of my stress, he is always the one to make me feel calmer.

 

[KittyGolightly]

I really like the Gottman book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. DH and I read it together *after* we were married, and it led to a lot of great discussions about issues we probably wouldn't have otherwise discussed. If your library doesn't have it, I bet your local used bookstore does because I always see copies of it in the used bookstores around here.

That book is fantastic! In case you're interested, Sillyberry, Gottman also has DVD workshops available on his website.

 

[TooPatient]

I really like the Gottman book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. DH and I read it together *after* we were married, and it led to a lot of great discussions about issues we probably wouldn't have otherwise discussed. If your library doesn't have it, I bet your local used bookstore does because I always see copies of it in the used bookstores around here.

That book is fantastic! In case you're interested, Sillyberry, Gottman also has DVD workshops available on his website.

We have several of his books at home and I think this is one of his best. (got lots of activities/exercises for you to do that are really wonderful)

 

[rubybeth]

I understand where you're coming from--my DH was not nearly as 'into' the wedding planning process as I was, but he definitely wanted to get married. We agreed on most things (venue, keeping it small, etc.) but I think I cared a lot more about how it was all going to come together, while he cared more about being married. Example: I was the picture of cool on the wedding day, and he cried while we walked down the aisle.

I just want to hone in on one line you wrote, and I know I'm taking it out of context, but it's a bit worrisome to me when people say things like this:

Plus just general anxiety about choosing a single person to complete me forever.

It's my belief that no other human being is responsible for your own happiness/fulfillment. I think you need to find ways to fill your life with things you love, one of which can be your husband/eventual children, but also needs to include things that give your life meaning to you (work, volunteerism, hobbies, etc.). I hope this makes sense.

DH and I dealt with some stressful times immediately after the wedding, with school wrapping up and careers beginning, and I think if I had looked to him to make me happy, I would have been sorely disappointed since he was a depressed stressball. We are both much better now, but we also had clearly defined our expectations from marriage--we both wanted someone we could lean on in times of stress, not someone who would 'fix' us or offset all our bad traits or something.

 

[sillyberry]

Oh

I understand where you're coming from--my DH was not nearly as 'into' the wedding planning process as I was, but he definitely wanted to get married. We agreed on most things (venue, keeping it small, etc.) but I think I cared a lot more about how it was all going to come together, while he cared more about being married. Example: I was the picture of cool on the wedding day, and he cried while we walked down the aisle.

I just want to hone in on one line you wrote, and I know I'm taking it out of context, but it's a bit worrisome to me when people say things like this:

Plus just general anxiety about choosing a single person to complete me forever.

It's my belief that no other human being is responsible for your own happiness/fulfillment. I think you need to find ways to fill your life with things you love, one of which can be your husband/eventual children, but also needs to include things that give your life meaning to you (work, volunteerism, hobbies, etc.). I hope this makes sense.

DH and I dealt with some stressful times immediately after the wedding, with school wrapping up and careers beginning, and I think if I had looked to him to make me happy, I would have been sorely disappointed since he was a depressed stressball. We are both much better now, but we also had clearly defined our expectations from marriage--we both wanted someone we could lean on in times of stress, not someone who would 'fix' us or offset all our bad traits or something.

Oh, I agree with this 100%! It just seems like in the world of wedded-bliss, you're expected to be marrying your other half. And it freaks me out! I'm whole as is!

 

[getting excited]

Thank you thank you thank you! Thank you for bringing up this topic. I think it can be so "taboo" because people expect you to be happier than you've ever been since you're engaged. I can honestly say the day I got engaged was one of the best of my life, but since then I have been a big stressed filled, emotional wreck! I worry about EVERY little detail about the wedding and about our relationship. If I am ever upset with my fiance, i immediately think, "this is never going to last." With so many marriages ending in divroce, I always wonder what makes us in the half that will make it?

But when I take a step back, I calm down. There was a reason I was so happy when we got engaged. I feel so lucky to have him in my life and that we have created teh relationship we have. I know there will be challenges, but we will just have to get through them.

Sorry, the point of my rant, silly, is that it seems like many people go through the same feelings you have. And the fact that you stated you aren't asking if you should get married and you know you should get married says a lot about how you really feel.

Try to relax. Have a glass of wine! Always works for me

 

[rubybeth]

Oh, I agree with this 100%! It just seems like in the world of wedded-bliss, you're expected to be marrying your other half. And it freaks me out! I'm whole as is!

Then I think you'll be fine! You definitely are whole as is, so you get to make this wonderful choice to spend your life with someone you enjoy/love/respect, instead of needing to find someone to make your life perfect, y'know?

 

[Future Mrs. Sterling]

SB - so glad you created this thread. I have been having horrible dreams (don't even want to get into what), thinking I am losing my freaking mind, feeling stressed, not sleeping well. I actually have avoided this site for the past 5 days because I just couldn't deal with it all. Luckily FI and I are not fighting, my mind has just been running wild with all the possible ways our marriage will end - early death, infidelity, who knows what. I, too, have divorced parents (dad divorced twice) and definitely learned what NOT to do, but certainly didn't learn what TO do. Just hoping I don't royally EFF things up.

So, I guess that is common. Once again, thank you. You are not alone in these feelings, FOR SURE.

+1 to whoever said we cover up our feelings with frosting and veils. Time to plunge back into the planning and leave the neurosis aside for a while. Hmph.