the good,the bad of having kids earlier in life is....

[canuk-gal]

Date: 3/7/2005 5:52:56 PM
Author: icekid

however, bf and i definitely want to have kids- eventually. i am 23, and a medical student so it definitely won''t be for a while! i''m hoping early thirties... i figure my training should be finished when i am 33, or 34??? but i might just suck it up and have baby while i''m a resident. i

HI:

Is doable! So many of my pals (Pediatircians, Internists, Derms, etc...) had kids in their Residencies--my neighbour had her 4th child in her two years ago in the last year of her Public Health Residency, and another friend had her 4th child while in her final year of RA subspecialty. Very busy people, but organized...and have nannies and helpful hubbies!!!!

cheers--Sharon

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 3/7/2005 5:10:18 PM
Author: Momoftwo
The interesting thing I see is those who dont'' have children ''by choice'' always say the same thing about being able to do whatever they want when they want. That''s fine, but don''t ever for a minute just assume that those who have children resent them (the kids) for it.

Oh my Goodness. Thank you for the lightbulb moment. All this time I never knew that I can do whatever I want when I want to!

And, oh my gosh - can I think only of myself? What great news! To think I''ve been living it all wrong.

 

[Patty]

Date: 3/7/2005 5:26:43 PM
Author: AGBF

Date: 3/7/2005 12

7

9 PM
Author: Patty
BTW, how do you quote just part of someone''s post? I''ve tried to do this with no success.

Patty,

You just quote the entire thing then delete the lines (using the ''delete'' key) you feel are unnecessary for the purpose of what YOU are about to say.

Deb

Thanks Deb, but I can''t get inside the blue box! When I try, I get the little thing that is like a cross with 4 arrows and I can''t put my curser in there.

 

[ForteKitty]

I''m 25. No kids, probably never will. To be honest, the thought of even getting pregnant is terrifying to me. The thought of actually giving birth gives me nightmares.. i dont know how you ladies do it. Maybe it''s my high school Biology teather''s "Lets-rewind-The-Miracle-of-Life-Video! Again! Look at that baby go back in!" tricks that did it. Either way, i think i''m done.

 

[heart prongs]

What an interesting thread...My husband and I are both 37 (how on earth we got so old I have NO idea) and we just got married last summer. We both want to share our lives with children, but we desperately wish that we could spend a few years just enjoying being the married us first! Unfortunately, our time may be limited, then again, it might not be. I''m fine with having kids later on, but who knows if we''ll be able to? Both my husband and I went back to school and changed careers in our late 20s, early 30s and we are now in careers that we love. Of course, these changes cost money, so we had to make a lot of financial sacrifices while we were dating. Now that we''ve sort of "caught up" and are moving in a great direction, we can afford to do more things (like travel), buy a new house, etc...I don''t mean to sound selfish, but we really want to do all that stuff now before we take on the responsibility of children.I know I''m living in a dream world, but how I wish it were possible to know that we could have healthy twins, a boy and a girl, at 40...that is seriously EXACTLY what we both want in life!!! klr

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/7/2005 5:10:18 PM
Author: Momoftwo
Whatever 'acting sooo mommy like' means. You can love being a mom, enjoy everything about it and still have whatever you consider 'reality'. Those who have kids know that. The interesting thing I see is those who dont' have children 'by choice' always say the same thing about being able to do whatever they want when they want. That's fine, but don't ever for a minute just assume that those who have children resent them (the kids) for it. I've raised mine and they are wonderful adults now and I loved every minute of raising them. We had no 'teenage' issues, maybe because they are boys, but I found it all pretty wonderful. Tiring, yes, frustrating, at times, but nothing I would ever trade for anything else. Like the fact I stayed home and raised them, I will never look back and regret having them. Now, I'm on the other end and we can enjoy the people we raised. Of course, once you have children, you never think just of yourself. You can't. It's part of the equation. It's not even really a choice, it's a pleasure.

I DO have children and if you read my post closely enough, I was talking about the moms who DON'T have a sense of reality and ACT overly motherly to an extreme. The ones who go to playgroups and don't use this as a chance to take a break (as in read a magazine) or talk about something besides their kids. I think this is wierd!

Honestly, I'm sure you were and still are a great mom, but I don't agree with you that once you have children, you never think of yourself. This is unhealthy. I know a mom who went an entire WEEK w/out a shower because she was so neurotically obsessed and focused on her child and felt guilty having her daughter out of her sight while she shampooed her hair. Of course, this is an extreme example, but non-the-less one that horrifies me since some are willing to go to every length to make their child(ren) their focus.

My kids go to PT daycare for THEM and FOR ME! How can I be a good mom when I don't get any me time???

Your PS name is "momoftwo," and clearly your children mean the world to you, but even with this mentality, this doesn't make you any better than moms who like to have an identity outside of potty training and little league; ones who like to have their own name attached to their personality

 

[IrishEyes]

MichelleCarmen: Amen sister

 

[Mara]

Date: 3/7/2005 5:10:18 PM
Author: Momoftwo
The interesting thing I see is those who dont' have children 'by choice' always say the same thing about being able to do whatever they want when they want. That's fine, but don't ever for a minute just assume that those who have children resent them (the kids) for it.
______________________________

I don't think anyone is making assumptions on how anyone ELSE is feeling...rather people are being fairly candid about talking about THEMSELVES and how they feel about the issue at hand. I wouldn't read more into it than it really is. Nor is anyone *judging* what others are doing which is rather important in a discussion that is so personal.

Secondly, many parents I know DO complain at times about not being able to do what they want & when they want. Your life does change and everyone recognizes that of course, but people are allowed to recognize what has changed and comment on it.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/7/2005 5:56:40 PM
Author: AGBF

Date: 3/7/2005 5:45:51 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 3/7/2005 5:10:18 PM

Author: Momoftwo

Whatever ''acting sooo mommy like'' means. You can love being a mom, enjoy everything about it and still have whatever you consider ''reality''. Those who have kids know that

Those who have kids know that? Last I knew, Michelle (the person who made the comment) DOES have her own children!

My point, exactly. I am afraid that MichelleCarmen, like me, does not reach this bar. We are, it seems, among the ambivalent .

Deb

Well, that just must be because *you* haven''t sacrificed enough, Deb....hehehehe When you''ve learned the "true and only" meaning of sacrifice, then and only then will you get it too.

ROTFLMAO.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/7/2005 6

3:43 PM
Author: fire&ice

Date: 3/7/2005 5:10:18 PM
Author: Momoftwo
The interesting thing I see is those who dont'' have children ''by choice'' always say the same thing about being able to do whatever they want when they want. That''s fine, but don''t ever for a minute just assume that those who have children resent them (the kids) for it.

Oh my Goodness. Thank you for the lightbulb moment. All this time I never knew that I can do whatever I want when I want to!

And, oh my gosh - can I think only of myself? What great news! To think I''ve been living it all wrong.

It''s as predictable as the sun coming up and going down, isn''t it? If us "HORRIBLE", childless people say we enjoy being able to do whatever we want, it OF COURSE doesn''t mean just that. It MUST also mean that we secretly KNOW those who have children resent them.

Give me a break.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/7/2005 6:42:45 PM
Author: ForteKitty
the thought of even getting pregnant is terrifying to me. Maybe it''s my high school Biology teather''s ''Lets-rewind-The-Miracle-of-Life-Video! Again! Look at that baby go back in!'' tricks that did it. Either way, i think i''m done.

OH MY GOD, this is the funniest thing I''ve read in weeks!

Heheheh - I guess we need to add that to the list, huh? Not only are women who choose to be childless "selfish", we are also "cowards".

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/7/2005 7:14:10 PM
Author: MichelleCarmen

I don't agree with you that once you have children, you never think of yourself. This is unhealthy.

My kids go to PT daycare for THEM and FOR ME! How can I be a good mom when I don't get any me time???

Your PS name is 'momoftwo,' and clearly your children mean the world to you, but even with this mentality, this doesn't make you any better than moms who like to have an identity outside of potty training and little league; ones who like to have their own name attached to their personality

Finally......a voice of sanity! RIGHT ON. I'm relieved to see that not everyone is drinking the "motherhood is the ONLY thing there is" Kool-aid.

Of course, you DO realize that you have betrayed mothers everywhere, and that you will likely have to take a time out for this one and be reprogrammed.

I personally believe that most of the best moms I know can appreciate the balance of being moms AND being other roles, too.

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 3/7/2005 7:22:59 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 3/7/2005 6:42:45 PM
Author: ForteKitty
the thought of even getting pregnant is terrifying to me. Maybe it''s my high school Biology teather''s ''Lets-rewind-The-Miracle-of-Life-Video! Again! Look at that baby go back in!'' tricks that did it. Either way, i think i''m done.

OH MY GOD, this is the funniest thing I''ve read in weeks!

Heheheh - I guess we need to add that to the list, huh? Not only are women who choose to be childless ''selfish'', we are also ''cowards''.

It was the best birth control a teenager can ever have. I stayed a virgin for years afterwards because of that horrible video! I think it was even worse for the guys tho. Every single one of them had crossed legs and puke-green complexions by the second rewind. A few had their heads down after the third. My teacher was sitting there kackling the whole time. Evil woman.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 3/7/2005 7:28:45 PM
Author: aljdewey
I personally believe that most of the best moms I know can appreciate the balance of being moms AND being other roles, too.

HI:

I believe this goes without saying. Or did I miss or misinterpret somewhere where motherhood and careers/advanced education/fun/freedom/choice were mutually exclusive?

cheers--Sharon

 

[Kaleigh]

Sharon,
Couldn''t have said it better myself!! Thank you!

 

[JCJD]

We're being devious in our childbearing plans, so keep this a secret!!!

I'm in grad school, probably won't graduate for another 5 years or more, so we've been very vocal in telling our families and friends we won't start having kids until I've graduated. However, we have secretly decided that we want to have at least our first child before he's 30 (he's 25 now). And thinking about my schedule now versus when I'm working on a post-doc or trying to find a tenure-track faculty position and beyond, the best time for me to have kids in my career is during graduate school. I can take a semester off of classes and hire a student to do my experiments if I need to, I can stay at home and write if I'm feeling lousy, I can take baby to work and either strap him/her to my back while I'm working or leave him with one of the 30 or so other grad students or staff (who'd love to play babysitter!) while I'm in class, and we'll get to be young parents and I'll have my childbearing done by the time I'm a professor! So we're planning for kids, but to our families it will be a "surprise"! But don't tell anyone!!!

ETA: Not to mention leaving baby with Daddy or any of our parents, who all live in town where I'm in school!

 

[JCJD]

Date: 3/7/2005 7:44

0 PM
Author: canuk-gal

Date: 3/7/2005 7:28:45 PM

Author: aljdewey

I personally believe that most of the best moms I know can appreciate the balance of being moms AND being other roles, too.

HI:


I believe this goes without saying. Or did I miss or misinterpret somewhere where motherhood and careers/advanced education/fun/freedom/choice were mutually exclusive?


cheers--Sharon

Amen sister!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/7/2005 7:28:45 PM
Author: aljdewey


I personally believe that most of the best moms I know can appreciate the balance of being moms AND being other roles, too.

I agree. Maybe I have "selfish" friends, but my best friend has to drop her kid off at a sitters to run off and get a massage from time to time. And when we meet, she doesn''t want the kids around. She loves her kids to death, but needs that time alone for sure. And yes, she doesn''t resent them ever, but she sure likes to live vicariously through me to chat travel, "romance" (the it''s-new-so-everything-is-grand kind and therefore possibly superficial) and even career. I don''t want her life right now...being a mom is hard work and I don''t envy her. But I sure do love playing with her kids.

Of course, when my friend comes out without her kids, she is also being sensitive to the fact that I am a cowardly, selfish being who is single (well, not so much anymore) and childless by choice.

However, some day I would like to experience what must be an amazing love. My ex-boss had her first and only kid at 40. She was SO afraid to have this kid...they didn''t think they would ever have children! She told me that she could have never imagined loving a human this much...different from even what she felt for her husband whom she loves very much. Sounds pretty cool to me...but just not right now!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/7/2005 7:44

0 PM
Author: canuk-gal

Date: 3/7/2005 7:28:45 PM
Author: aljdewey
I personally believe that most of the best moms I know can appreciate the balance of being moms AND being other roles, too.

HI:

I believe this goes without saying. Or did I miss or misinterpret somewhere where motherhood and careers/advanced education/fun/freedom/choice were mutually exclusive?

cheers--Sharon

It should go without saying, but evidently it doesn't, so it bears restating.

I wholeheartedly agree with you, Sharon...*I* personally don't think they are mutually exclusive either. It's too bad some folks *do* think so.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 3/7/2005 6:42:45 PM
Author: ForteKitty
I''m 25. No kids, probably never will. To be honest, the thought of even getting pregnant is terrifying to me. The thought of actually giving birth gives me nightmares.. i dont know how you ladies do it.

I was terrified, too. (Anyone who doesn''t want Too Much Information should stop reading NOW.)

The first month we tried to conceive I started to bleed...from the anxiety! I bled for six weeks and had to have an endometrial biopsy to rule out cancer! Given that we were infertile, it is easy to forget that. After all, we adopted and I never did give birth. But you should know you are not alone!

When my daughter was in pre-school and I made friends with the mothers of other little girls one asked me if I had a difficult labor. I said, "No...it was really easy," then told her my daughter had been adopted. In reality, adoption was hard. Very demanding. But not frightening to me like childbirth.

Deb

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/7/2005 8:13:53 PM
Author: AGBF



When my daughter was in pre-school and I made friends with the mothers of other little girls one asked me if I had a difficult labor. I said, ''No...it was really easy,'' then told her my daughter had been adopted. In reality, adoption was hard. Very demanding. But not frightening to me like childbirth.

Deb

I think it takes a special person to adopt. That''s wonderful you did so, so my kudos to you. I come from a culture where little girls are often abandoned, and I have a lot of respect for people who go through the very time consuming/money draining/demanding process in order to give a better life to a child, and enrich their own lives pricelessly in the process.

Sorry if I am diverting from the topic!

 

[Patty]

I''m very confused. I can''t follow this thread any more with all the quotes of quotes.

Am I supposed to be offended? I DO have kids but they are older. Please let me know if I am, okay?

 

[Kaleigh]

Patty,
You''re A Ok in my book!!

 

[Jennifer5973]

OMG--I just have to say that no one is a "jerk" for moving away from his/her parents!!!

See--this statement is further evidence of my self-absorbtion and unreadiness to have a kid--it''s all about me, me, me!

In all seriousness, there are a lot of great perspectives and shared life experiences in this thread on both sides of the coin.

 

[Patty]

Date: 3/7/2005 8:43:39 PM
Author: kaleigh
Patty,
You''re A Ok in my book!!

Thanks kaleigh! Let me know if I''m supposed to be offended, okay?

Jennifer, how can it all be about YOU when it''s always been about ME?

 

[Dancing Fire]

if you think raising a young child is expensive now, i got good news for you wait until they become teenagers.... clothes,cars,auto insurance,college,no money left for diamonds.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/7/2005 8:42:10 PM
Author: Patty
I'm very confused. I can't follow this thread any more with all the quotes of quotes.

Am I supposed to be offended? I DO have kids but they are older. Please let me know if I am, okay?

You're okay

I hope none of what I said offended you. You mentioned that your second child was a sort of wake up call and my husband and I experienced the same thing finding ourselves with a newborn and a two-year-old who both demanded continous attention.

My second son was a little tidal wave of energy that combined with a big brother created an unrelenting storm (lol!). Legos are raining down on me as I type. lol (just kidding) The boys are playing snowboard half-pipe legos w/my husband, but should be in bed

.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 3/7/2005 8:42:10 PM
Author: Patty
Am I supposed to be offended? I DO have kids but they are older. Please let me know if I am, okay?

Dear Patty,

I am sorry, but you are not, as you put it, "O.K.". You are not allowed to have older "kids" (read "children"). As to whether you should be offended: that is a matter of preference. You may choose to be offended or you may choose not to be. Your state of mind does not affect the crime, nor is it a mitigating factor.

Your friend,
Deborah

 

[Patty]

Okay, okay. I''m okay, you all are okay.

And Deb, I choose to be okay. Thank you for your clarifications.

I still don''t know how to get inside the blue box though.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 3/8/2005 9:12

2 AM
Author: Patty

I still don't know how to get inside the blue box though.

Patty,

As long as you leave the word "QUOTE" (inside its brackets) at the start and the end of what you want to quote, what is inside should show up blue when you post. Did you try that?

Deb