the good,the bad of having kids earlier in life is....

[Dancing Fire]

good - they can be independent earlier while you still are a young couple. I want all my kids to graduate from college before I turn 58. I don''t want to be collecting social security while they are still in college.

bad - a couple have kids too early in life while they are too young will run into trouble because they do not have the education, the maturity, or financial stability.

 

[AGBF]

It''s too late now for me to start pondering this! I was 41 when my daughter was born. In our case I think I needed every ounce of maturity I had in order to handle motherhood!

Deb

 

[Jennifer5973]

My husband and I are 33 and 31 respectively and we don't have kids...we've been married over 8 years. We're not sure we want kids. It's a big burden to delay this decision--what if we decide we want them and we have problems conceiving? What about the risks of pregnancy after age 35? And yes--do I want to be in my 50s with a kid in high school?

BUT I firmly believe you should only have a child is that child is truly wanted. We don't feel that way and may never have the true desire to have kids...but we know that with each passing year, the choice becomes more serious, riskier. The hard part is, everyone we know is having kids--there are no couples any more among our friends wihtout kids. Everytime we want to get togetherr for dinner with friends, it's "can we bring little Johnny along? [and go at 4:30 to the diner where they have a kid's menu???]" or "we can't find a babysitter." I feel this burden to have a child even though we don't want one...it's like, everyone else is doing it, so maybe we should too????? I feel like the only woman I know who is not a member of some exclusive club...the only problem is, what I woud need to do to get into that club is currently repulsive to me. I want "in" but I don't want to do what it takes to get in...does this even make any sense????

But to DF's point--when we were in our 20s we were neither financially or emotionally ready to have a child. NowI think we meet those requirements but we look at eachother when we have our "touch base" on this issue every couple of months and just say "we love our lives like they are!"

And that's the most important thing--communication between you and your partner. Do you know how many marriages I have seen break up because one wanted kids and the other didn't????!!!!

Oh boy--am I on my soapbox or what!

 

[Kaleigh]

I was 24 when I got married. Had my daughter at 26, and my son at 28. My daughter will be a senior in high school next year. I will be 48 when she graduates from college. I like being a young mom. I know most people today wait until they are in their 30's to get married and that's fine too. My sister in law is 38 and tried to have a baby for years. They did invitro etc.. Nothing worked. They just adopted a beautiful baby boy I'm happy to say. If you want to have kids, you can't wait forever. I knew what I wanted when I got married, and am so glad we had our children when we did.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 3/6/2005 4:23:47 PM
Author: kaleigh
They just adopted a beautiful baby boy I''m happy to say.

I hadn''t planned to get into the fertility issue again, but this posting prompted me to want to do so. I was one month past 25 when I got married (28 years ago), not in my 30s. Although I was initially sad to find we were infertile, I am now very glad indeed. Had we not adopted *exactly* when we did, we would not have had the same daughter we do now. This is one of those, "Whether or not I believe in God, I thank Him" things for me!

Deb

 

[MichelleCarmen]

My best friend had her two boys when she was really young. In fact, she became pregnant with her first when she was 18 and a senior in HS. I had my two sons at ages 27 and 29 after finishing college and achieving a good financial position. I find that aside from the issues you mentioned, her and I encounter(ed) the EXACT same problems regarding the state of being overwhelmed with having two little boys two years apart without ANY family support.

I've learned money and maturity can't guarentee parenting will be any easier even though I planned my pregnancies with the ideology that these would make things "perfect." Instead, I figured out the reality in that my friend and I both share in our joys and sorrows equally.

My friend's sons complain about not getting a new video game. . .my kids complain about not getting TWO new video games!

(Yes, my four year old has his own computer . . .lol) So, money will never solve every problem. . .but we at least can afford to buy organic milk

Edited to add: I don't think a person has to postpone their lives (like traveling) until after the kids are out of the house. My parents went on all kinds of trips while I was young. . .they took me to Mexico, but left me with family during most of their other vacations. My husband and I are going to Amsterdam this year and we're dropping the kids off at my MILs! I think it's important to have a life outside of kids, even if it means they eat ice cream for an entire weekend while the parents are off having the time of their lives at some foreign destination.

 

[pearcrazy]

I married at 27, started trying to conceive at 28 but because of fertility problems didn''t give birth to my first baby until a month before my 33rd birthday. My twins were born when I was 35. I''ll be 57 when they graduate from college. My college roomie married 3 years ago and is undergoing her second round of IVF right now. She''s 41 but very young looking and young at heart. She wanted to have married and had her family much sooner but things just didn''t work out that way for her. I''m hoping she''ll be able to have a baby but she''s determined to be a mother if not by IVF, then by adoption. Children are a blessing and a gift whenever they come into your life. I say a prayer of thanks to the man upstairs and enjoy my blessings. I don''t worry so much about how my future will be when they are adults, I''m too busy enjoying them as precious young children. They grow up so darn fast, I''m just enjoying the moment, I''ll worry about when and how my nest becomes empty when I have to . Having them 5 years before I did would have been nice but it was out of my control.

My mother was 21 and 25 having my sister and me. We were out of college and on our own when my mom was 47. I thought she''d maybe start a new chapter in her life, maybe travel, get a job or a new hobby. She did nothing. To me that is really young to have an empty nest and nothing else to keep me busy, I love having my little ones and their friends around to keep me on my toes.

 

[KBerly]

Reading this thread made me giggle a little. I can remember when I was younger (in high school) talking to my mom about her and my dad getting married and how old they were. My mom was 26 and my dad 28. I looked at my mom in disgust and blurted, "I am not going to be that OLD when I get married!" Of course I had already figured out when she had me...she was 32!! No way in hell was I ever waiting that long, geez! And I will never forget it, my mom was like, "Oh, ok, you have it all planned out huh, we shall see." There was no way! I was getting married in my early twenties so I could have babies by the time I was 25, at the latest!! WELL, here I am, almost 29yo, close to being engaged, but no where near close to having babies. So funny how things work out, and of course, how you change and mature over the years and figure out the concept of time. I really did want babies early though, but realize that isn''t going to happen. Now I''m like, ok time to get married! I now realize babies will come eventually, but even if something happens and we are unable to have them, we will adopt. I can''t wait to be a mom, no matter how old I end up being. Now my mom teases me because I am not married yet (you know, that "told ya so" crap

), and of course gives me grief because she is ready for grand babies! And I am like, talk to your son! Everything works out for the best

 

[Sunni79]

Hi. I thought I''d add my opinion. My husband and I got married at 22 after I graduated from college, we bought our home at 23 and had our son at 24. Our second child is due in September. We are doing it young because we wanted to have a close relationship with our kids and not be so much older than them that they feel we cannot relate to them(ok, they may think we''re fossils later on anyway)

We do not regret our decision to have kis young. We were initially ok with only having one child but my son seems lonely sometimes and we decided that if we were going to give him a sibling, it had better be soon so they could be close. They will be two years apart. Having kids has actually brought us closer together and he communicate much better. In general, I don''t think people should have kids to fix their marriages, but it worked for us. It is hard sometimes though. We get just go on trips or do what we want. We don''t have much family support so that makes it harder. MIL can be toxic. She tries to spoil my son to make him love her more. She can be way over the top. On the other hand, there is nothing unusual to me about couples who don''t want kids. Kids are such a huge responsibility! But the love and hugs he gives me everyday makes it worth it.

 

[icelady]

Date: 3/6/2005 4:23:26 PM
Author: Jennifer5973
My husband and I are 33 and 31 respectively and we don''t have kids...we''ve been married over 8 years. We''re not sure we want kids. It''s a big burden to delay this decision--what if we decide we want them and we have problems conceiving? What about the risks of pregnancy after age 35? And yes--do I want to be in my 50s with a kid in high school?

BUT I firmly believe you should only have a child is that child is truly wanted. We don''t feel that way and may never have the true desire to have kids...but we know that with each passing year, the choice becomes more serious, riskier. The hard part is, everyone we know is having kids--there are no couples any more among our friends wihtout kids. Everytime we want to get togetherr for dinner with friends, it''s ''can we bring little Johnny along? [and go at 4:30 to the diner where they have a kid''s menu???]'' or ''we can''t find a babysitter.'' I feel this burden to have a child even though we don''t want one...it''s like, everyone else is doing it, so maybe we should too????? I feel like the only woman I know who is not a member of some exclusive club...the only problem is, what I woud need to do to get into that club is currently repulsive to me. I want ''in'' but I don''t want to do what it takes to get in...does this even make any sense????

But to DF''s point--when we were in our 20s we were neither financially or emotionally ready to have a child. NowI think we meet those requirements but we look at eachother when we have our ''touch base'' on this issue every couple of months and just say ''we love our lives like they are!''

And that''s the most important thing--communication between you and your partner. Do you know how many marriages I have seen break up because one wanted kids and the other didn''t????!!!!

Oh boy--am I on my soapbox or what!

Jen, my husband and I got married when he was 49 and I was 32, after dating for nearly 5 years. Most of our friends had kids of some age and I remember feeling like they thought I was to be pitied because I had no children. Or worse than that, I was somehow inferior because I had no children. Now I wonder if I was maybe overly sensitive about it. We did have a daughter when I was almost 35. Now a days 35 is young for having children! For me, I could not have had her before that age simply because I would not have been ready. She is an amazing kid (and I say this even though she is almost 14!)!

My older sister made the decision not to have children. She faced the same pressures you talk about above, and she wasn''t sure if she made the right decision back several years ago. She recently remarked that she is quite happy that she did not have any children. She has enjoyed her friend''s kids and then she gets to send them home LOL!

I think you are so right to say that "you should only have a child if that child is truly wanted". And there is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing you do not want to have children. In fact, I have known of some cases where I wish the parents would have thought their decision through better than they did.

I wonder if anyone else feels like I do when I read or hear about some of the horrible things that go on in the world. I think "what have I done bringing this child into this world?" I guess that is where one''s faith has to come into play.

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

I''ve been going round and round about this with my grandmother for a while. I am 27 and have been married for 5 years. My husband is 33. We have decided that we want kids. However, I have decided that I want to wait another 5 or so years before we actually try to conceive.

My grandmother says that once my kids are all grown up that I will be too old to "have a life without kids" and too old to "enjoy it." However, I totally disagree with her and believe that my husband and I are living our lives to the fullest NOW and don''t have to wait 18+ years after we get married to have children.

There are many reasons why we want to postpone our family. The number one reason being that my husband is a career Army officer and still has 10 more years of service before retirement. As it is, my husband is deployed, and it is hard enough dealing with the separation by myself, that I can''t imagine doing it with kids. Actually, 8 out 10 of my friends currently have spouses deployed all over the world, and I am the only one without children. I spent the weekend with a friend whose husband has deployed for a year and left her with a house, and three kids ages 4, 2 1/2 and 5 weeks! I can tell you that this weekend has cemented my decision to wait as long as possible to begin my family (the closer to retirement the better) because I will not raise my kids alone.

Ugh! Thanks guys! I''ve been thinking about this ALL weekend and really needed to get it off my chest. You''re the best!

 

[youngster]

Well, here''s another take on this. I''m the child of older parents. My Dad was in his mid-forties when I came along, though Mom was several years younger. By the time I was in high school Dad was pushing 60. While he has always taken excellent care of himself both physically and mentally, his age always made a difference. Yes, they were mature and financially stable but, in many respects, my parents were more like grandparents. Now, I''m well over 40 and Dad is well into his 80''s. We get along great, talk often, visit, but the age gap between us is like the Grand Canyon sometimes. I''m dealing with young kids, elementary school, girl scout meetings, gymnastics, the DH''s career. My Dad doesn''t have a clue how to relate to someone at my stage in life. I love him dearly but it''s no fun. I am personally very very glad I had my kids well before 35. Before you wait too long to have a child, think about the affect your age will have on that child way way way down the road.

 

[Sunni79]

Hey youngster!
My husband is in the same boat as you. He was born when his father was 43 and the age gap is so huge that they almost have nothing in common! My husband finds it difficult to talk to his dad at many things and tries to be close to him but he acts like an old man. I definately wouldn''t want my kids to feel that way about my husband and I. My husbands father was 60 when we graduated from high school and 65 when my husbands younger sister graduated from h.s.

 

[youngster]

Hi Christine, it''s nice to know that there are others out there in the same boat! It is odd, having much older parents. By the time they hit their fifties and sixties, there is just less energy and spontaneity. Also, by the time they became actual grandparents, they seemed too elderly to fully enjoy it. My kids have never had a grandparent have them over for a sleep-over or take a day trip somewhere. (Frankly, I don''t trust their driving or eye sight or . . .. and that''s a shame.) Your husband''s situation is even more extreme than my own. Good heavens. To have a child graduating from high school at 65! On the flip side, I''m sure your sister-in-law was glad they had her and, obviously, I''m glad my parents had me too.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 3/6/2005 7:38

2 PM
Author: youngster
Well, here's another take on this. I'm the child of older parents. My Dad was in his mid-forties when I came along, though Mom was several years younger. By the time I was in high school Dad was pushing 60. While he has always taken excellent care of himself both physically and mentally, his age always made a difference. Yes, they were mature and financially stable but, in many respects, my parents were more like grandparents. Now, I'm well over 40 and Dad is well into his 80's. We get along great, talk often, visit, but the age gap between us is like the Grand Canyon sometimes. I'm dealing with young kids, elementary school, girl scout meetings, gymnastics, the DH's career. My Dad doesn't have a clue how to relate to someone at my stage in life. I love him dearly but it's no fun. I am personally very very glad I had my kids well before 35. Before you wait too long to have a child, think about the affect your age will have on that child way way way down the road.

I find it fascinating that sometimes we can have a circumstance in common and yet have a totally different experience with it.

My father was *NOT* "older" when I was born. My mother was 33, but he was only 30. Nonetheless, since my brother had his children 13 and 16 years ago and I had mine 12 years ago, my parents are not young grandparents. Now, at 84 and 87, they are grandparents to 12, 13, and 16 year old children.

They have had a huge part in the lives of their grandchildren, especially mine. M daughter used to go to her grandparents' house after school EVERY DAY when we all lived in Connecticut! My mother would have her favorite foods ready and would help her with her homework. My father came to take her to school at 7

0 am every morning. I am very close to my parents and they still-300 miles away-share every aspect of my daughter's life with me. My daughter calls my father for advice!!!

Deborah

 

[youngster]

Date: 3/6/2005 9

7:24 PM
Author: AGBF

Date: 3/6/2005 7:38

2 PM
Author: youngster
Well, here''s another take on this. I''m the child of older parents. My Dad was in his mid-forties when I came along, though Mom was several years younger. By the time I was in high school Dad was pushing 60. While he has always taken excellent care of himself both physically and mentally, his age always made a difference. Yes, they were mature and financially stable but, in many respects, my parents were more like grandparents. Now, I''m well over 40 and Dad is well into his 80''s. We get along great, talk often, visit, but the age gap between us is like the Grand Canyon sometimes. I''m dealing with young kids, elementary school, girl scout meetings, gymnastics, the DH''s career. My Dad doesn''t have a clue how to relate to someone at my stage in life. I love him dearly but it''s no fun. I am personally very very glad I had my kids well before 35. Before you wait too long to have a child, think about the affect your age will have on that child way way way down the road.

I find it fascinating that sometimes we can have a circumstance in common and yet have a totally different experience with it.

My father was *NOT* ''older'' when I was born. My mother was 33, but he was only 30. Nonetheless, since my brother had his children 13 and 16 years ago and I had mine 12 years ago, my parents are not young grandparents. Now, at 84 and 87, they are grandparents to 12, 13, and 16 year old children.

They have had a huge part in the lives of their grandchildren, especially mine. M daughter used to go to her grandparents'' house after school EVERY DAY when we all lived in Connecticut! My mother would have her favorite foods ready and would help her with her homework. My father came to take her to school at 7

0 am every morning. I am very close to my parents and they still-300 miles away-share every aspect of my daughter''s life with me. My daughter calls my father for advice!!!

Deborah

That''s great AGBF. I like hearing stories like that. It really does depend on the individual. But, I do think that you may have an exceptional situation. First, because its rare to have both parents still alive in their late 80''s. More rare that both are still healthy, active and living independently. More power to them!!

 

[Jennifer5973]

Date: 3/6/2005 5:19:52 PM
Author: icelady

Jen, my husband and I got married when he was 49 and I was 32, after dating for nearly 5 years. Most of our friends had kids of some age and I remember feeling like they thought I was to be pitied because I had no children. Or worse than that, I was somehow inferior because I had no children. Now I wonder if I was maybe overly sensitive about it. We did have a daughter when I was almost 35. Now a days 35 is young for having children! For me, I could not have had her before that age simply because I would not have been ready. She is an amazing kid (and I say this even though she is almost 14!)!

My older sister made the decision not to have children. She faced the same pressures you talk about above, and she wasn''t sure if she made the right decision back several years ago. She recently remarked that she is quite happy that she did not have any children. She has enjoyed her friend''s kids and then she gets to send them home LOL!

I think you are so right to say that ''you should only have a child if that child is truly wanted''. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing you do not want to have children. In fact, I have known of some cases where I wish the parents would have thought their decision through better than they did.

I wonder if anyone else feels like I do when I read or hear about some of the horrible things that go on in the world. I think ''what have I done bringing this child into this world?'' I guess that is where one''s faith has to come into play.

Icelady, thanks for your reaffirming comments. it is such a hard decision. I hadn''t even thought about how our being older would affect the kids, as others have noted here--but maybe that''s because I am still too selfish to have a child (it''s all baout how it will be for me! me! me!

)

If you asked me today, I''d say that I don''t think I ever want kids. I just don''t feel it in my heart, the desire to bring a child into this world and give up so much to raise him/her. But my biggest fear in life is waking up one day at 50 or 55 and wishing I had a child. Then it''s too late. I look at all I do for my mom and how close we are and I think, "gee, it''d be nice to have a daughter when I''m older." This is the risk we are taking, I guess.

 

[marriahlyn]

I am very glad to have become a parent at a young age. I was 19 when I got married and 22 when my daughter was born. Although that marriage did not work out my daughter is happy and doing well even though it's not the best situation. Supporting her has never been a problem. Also, if I did not become pregnant with her, my fertility might be gone by now. It may have not been the best for a child, I can't imagine what I'd do without my little sunshine.

I'm 28 now and remarried for almost 2 years and currently expecting #2 (a boy). This baby took 4 IVF's to conceive and we were just about to adopt from Guatemala. My bio clock was winding down way too early and we had to jump! I really wanted my children to be closer in age and I'm worried that dh and I will be "older" parents.....he's 35. Everyone we know is done having children and most of his friends have children going into their teens.

My parents got pregnant in high school and married on spring break of their senior year. By the time they were 22, they had 3 children and by the time they were 40..........grandbaby #1 came along. My parents are now 48 & 49 and I'm about to have grandchild #7 for them They are very involved in their grandchildren's lives including riding bikes and doing everything we can do with our children. It may not work for everyone, but it works for us. We also live in small towns in Indiana so it's much different than big city life.

 

[Jennifer5973]

My grandparents were all just 50 when I was born and were so active in my life right through college... This is, as mariahlyn points out, a wonderful side effect of having your kids young.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/6/2005 4:23:26 PM
Author: Jennifer5973
My husband and I are 33 and 31 respectively and we don''t have kids...we''ve been married over 8 years. We''re not sure we want kids. It''s a big burden to delay this decision--what if we decide we want them and we have problems conceiving? What about the risks of pregnancy after age 35? And yes--do I want to be in my 50s with a kid in high school?

BUT I firmly believe you should only have a child is that child is truly wanted. We don''t feel that way and may never have the true desire to have kids...but we know that with each passing year, the choice becomes more serious, riskier. The hard part is, everyone we know is having kids--there are no couples any more among our friends wihtout kids. Everytime we want to get togetherr for dinner with friends, it''s ''can we bring little Johnny along? [and go at 4:30 to the diner where they have a kid''s menu???]'' or ''we can''t find a babysitter.'' I feel this burden to have a child even though we don''t want one...it''s like, everyone else is doing it, so maybe we should too????? I feel like the only woman I know who is not a member of some exclusive club...the only problem is, what I woud need to do to get into that club is currently repulsive to me. I want ''in'' but I don''t want to do what it takes to get in...does this even make any sense????

But to DF''s point--when we were in our 20s we were neither financially or emotionally ready to have a child. NowI think we meet those requirements but we look at eachother when we have our ''touch base'' on this issue every couple of months and just say ''we love our lives like they are!''

And that''s the most important thing--communication between you and your partner. Do you know how many marriages I have seen break up because one wanted kids and the other didn''t????!!!!

Oh boy--am I on my soapbox or what!

Jenn
no kids? can you adopt me? please!!!

who''s gonna inherit that fabulous

jewelry collection?

 

[Momoftwo]

I married at 21, bought our first home at 22, had my boys at 23 and 26. I just turned 45 and my husband is 47, and they''re both in college, living away at school and we''re having a great time playing empty nesters. My parents are 67 and my in laws are 72 and 75. My children had two great-grandmothers til they were 11 and 9 and one til 3 years ago. The advantages to me far outweigh anything. We''ve raised two wonderful young men, who happen to be home right now on spring break, and who know they are loved. I don''t feel there were any disadvantages. Regardless of whether you wait or not, there are sacrifices everyone makes when they have children. That''s just part of it. I have no regrets about anything. We didnt'' always have a lot because I stayed home and raised them, but we had enough. Like someone I heard one time say, if I waited to have kids til I could afford them, I still wouldnt'' have any. There is no perfect time. But, it is something you will never regret.

 

[Mara]

I would have loved to have had kids earlier in life, for the exact same reason you noted DF, so that when they leave the house later in life...you still have some great years ahead of you. However, I hadn''t met my husband yet so that puts a big damper on that plan. Now that we are married, we are not entirely sure about kids either and where they fit in. We''re at the age where if we have them...they won''t leave until Greg is in his late 50''s...which is not uncommon nowadays, but that''s definitely not the 45 that my parents were when I left home! So you are dealing with kid-things as you get more ''life tired'' and ready to retire...but wait, you still have to deal with Bobby in his teenage years!

This is how I view the having kids in this generation perspective. Our parents got married and had kids, that''s what that generation did for the most part. Got married and had kids. But this generation that we are in now...people wait longer to get married and/or don''t find the right person until later in their life. This generation is also more educated about having children and what types of sacrifices comes with parenthood.

Our parents were young and dumb when they had kids (they will agree!) and definitely not financially ready but they just did it. And obviously made it work. Our generation is too smart...and consequently realizes what our parents did not, kids are expensive, kids are unpredictable, kids are really hard work! Many in this generation are not sure they want to make the sacrifices their parents did.

For us, the older we get, the harder it becomes to envision life with children in it and the changes that they will bring. Especially when kids are a mixed bag...you never know what you are going to get!! However, now that we are married, our parents are coming to us as the ''legal'' married kids and saying...hey when is the blessed event??

Almost everyone we know in our lives who have had kids recently and/or gotten pregnant, it was through an accident or a mistake...not one person PLANNED it. Which is very interesting...leave it to chance if you can''t make the conscious decision?? These people all changed overnight from being DINKS to loving parents who rave about their child (whether Bobby is good or bad...you get the raving).

We don''t intend to think about it for a few more years while we beef up the finances, and hopefully do some of the traveling we have been talking about for years... In the meantime, we have our little doggie, Portia...who''s kind of like a child. Maybe less expensive. And won''t be out drinking with her buddies after curfew.

 

[Mara]

haha Jen...we wonder as well if we will regret the decision later if we decide not to have kids...but you don''t ever really know I guess.

Also we joke around that if we do not have children, who will take care of us when we are older? If we decide not to have kids, we better have enough to last us through many years of retirement, the way everyone is living longer these days!! Because I can guarantee my sister''s kids are not going to want Auntie Mara and Uncle Greg living with them...hehe.

No guarantee either that our kids would even take care of us later...so again, a mixed bag! Greg''s dad noted the other day that he thinks children are a ''clean slate''...I told him I disagreed, that I think genetics factors in hugely on what you are going to get in a child...and they don''t start entirely ''clean''. He said ''are you worried about OUR genes?!'' and I said... '' No I am worried about MINE!!''.

I have to say that the Lynette gal on Desperate Housewives...she is like birth control to me. Every time I watch that show I just cringe in horror at her boys'' antics and her reactions...I was a hellion as a child and I am sure that my kid would be just as bad. Payback! Hmm.

 

[Dancing Fire]

i''m 46 now, my oldest daughter is 18 my younger one is 17,now i wish they were older and independent.i have couple of friends that are still changing diapers in their late 40''s. i would never be able to handle it.

 

[Jennifer5973]

Mara, that thought has sooooo crossed my mind at least 1,000 times... What happens when we''re old? then again, what if our kid is a jerk and moves across the country. Who knows what could happen.

I think children are a blank slate--for the most part. Certainly how you raise them is a major influence but I thik some kids are born with difficult temperments. And I don''t know if I could--or want to--handle it. plus, temper tantrums aside, you have to be willing to accept what God gives you (or the stork brings, whatever!)...what if the child had medical problems? Downs? other developmental issues? You can''t "upgrade" the kid at WF if it doesn''t check out at the appraiser''s, if you know what I mean.

I don''t mean to make light of a serious concern. I just feel too selfish to have a child....but scared about what the consequences of this decision might be long after the fact.

And BTW, I HATE HATE HATE being the only woman in the room without a kid--this is happening more and more since everyone we know has at least one child. I feel like the women are looking at me and thinking, "hmmmm, what''s wrong with her." I say we don''t think we want kids and they just look at me, almost as if they pity me or disbelieve me (as in, "oh, something must be wrong with her...")

 

[mjfloyd1]

I''m a member of the "you get what you get" club. We had been married for 7 years when we started trying to have a family. We ended up trying and failing 7 IVF''s. We found out on a Thursday that my wife wasn''t pregnant and booked a cruise for the same Saturday and called an adoption attorney. On the day we were going to the adoption attorney, my wife pages me that she "doesn''t feel right" and she ended up being pregnant. I''m 40 and my daughter is 3 ... and my wife is 18 weeks pregnant. Life is funny. God has a sense of humor.

 

[belle]

hey mjfloyd1....welcome to ps!

thanks for sharing your story.......i hope we can get to know more about you in the future!

 

[Mara]

Jen..I hear ya! Greg wonders sometimes....well isn't the whole point of BEING to carry on the species? aka procreation? whereas I don't think about why I am here, merely that I am here and making the most out of life. Plus he and I have somewhat varying ideas on 'life'...aka he has that hard core East Coast productivity gene...whereas I have the hard core West Coast happiness/lifeisgood gene.

We have had these discussions many times and have come up each time unsure....but the general feeling is that we will probably want to have kids but we won't really know until later...when we are ready..if ever. I definitely do not want to feel pressured or coerced into it...it has to be something we both really want to do and for the right reasons (aka not to have someone care for us later though we joke about it alot!). Ideally we'd make the decision and consciously set out to do it...but as some of my friends have found out...sometimes nature has its own ideas!?

For us it is interesting, since I know alot of people who are not sure they want kids or ARE sure they don't want them...also we are only the 3rd married couple in our groups of friends, we have tons of single friends who are in their mid to late 30's with no real marriage prospects yet...so it may be that our groups of friends are going to be more child-less than child-bearing. We have a few friends with kids, but they are definitely in the minority. The funny thing is that while our friend groups do not have many children, there are a few VERY spoiled dogs!!

I read an article last year that talked about the future household, how in the past it was an average of 2.5 children, and how this generation would be 0.5 children per household on average. It also talked about getting married later in life, and priorities other than children. It was a really interesting article, I wish I had kept it.

One thing is for sure, the respective potential-grandparents are chafing at the bit! My mom already has clothes for the 'future' child knitted and packed away...and Greg's stepmom told me she is looking fwd to going all out for the 'future' child!

 

[TravelingGal]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 46px">Date: 3/6/2005 11:10

2 PM
Author: Jennifer5973
Mara, that thought has sooooo crossed my mind at least 1,000 times... What happens when we''re old? then again, what if our kid is a jerk and moves across the country. Who knows what could happen.

I think children are a blank slate--for the most part. Certainly how you raise them is a major influence but I thik some kids are born with difficult temperments. And I don''t know if I could--or want to--handle it. plus, temper tantrums aside, you have to be willing to accept what God gives you (or the stork brings, whatever!)...what if the child had medical problems? Downs? other developmental issues? You can''t ''upgrade'' the kid at WF if it doesn''t check out at the appraiser''s, if you know what I mean.

I don''t mean to make light of a serious concern. I just feel too selfish to have a child....but scared about what the consequences of this decision might be long after the fact.

And BTW, I HATE HATE HATE being the only woman in the room without a kid--this is happening more and more since everyone we know has at least one child. I feel like the women are looking at me and thinking, ''hmmmm, what''s wrong with her.'' I say we don''t think we want kids and they just look at me, almost as if they pity me or disbelieve me (as in, ''oh, something must be wrong with her...'')

Lol Jennifer, I had to laugh at your line about "being a jerk and moving across the country." My boyfriend is about to move across the Pacific into a different HEMISPHERE for me. I really feel for his parents on this one...I''m about to take their only son away from them. But I guess parents want what makes their kids happy. Still, I feel pretty guilty about it!!!!

My guy friend once said "I am single by CHOICE. It''s not MY choice, but still!" It made me laugh at the time. Likewise, I am 32 now with no kids. It IS my choice...but it''s not like if I chose to have kids in my twenties, I could have run out and got pregnant with some poor unsuspecting chap!

My friend is my age and recently had her second kid. Working on the idea of having the third and final. I am envious that years from now she will be "done" early and have time to enjoy her hubby as empty nesters at a young age. She envies that I travel all the time now and am enjoying all kinds of adventures with my boyfriend at a "young" age.

But now that my boyfriend and I are getting more serious (and talking about kids etc), we are making the choice (a REAL choice!

) that we won''t have kids for a bit longer. We already won''t be super young parents, so we might as well enjoy the perk that comes from having kids later in life...enjoying the NOW!

 

[tawn]

Boy...I can''t just pick one or the other...always have to make things difficult!

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, and had our first and only child pretty young (24)....our son is 11 yrs old and a great wonderful kid! We struggled with infertility for about 5 years after he was a baby....and gave up for the last 4 years! Now, I''m 35...and found a good DR who diagnosed our issue, and we''re trying again! We''re giving it until April 2006...and still have a few more things to try before we get to to the big "IVF" later this year! We''re scared of regretting "not trying" one more time...and missing out on the baby that''s been missing from our family!

So, if we get lucky (everyone please cross your fingers!)...we''ll have a early in life kid...and a late in life kid! I''ll let you know how I feel when I''m 65 how it all worked out for us!