The Engagement/Marriage Psychology Thread

[surfgirl]

I thought that since this has become a topic of discussion recently, perhaps it deserves its own thread where people can discuss the elements and psychology of women who are single and who want to be engaged/married or whatever. There have been some great posts lately on other threads but in the interest of not thread-jacking the the original posts, might I suggest that TGal, rising sun, jewels305, holly, etc. re-post their more recent posts from that one thread, over here so we can continue the discussion unabated? Perhaps those LIWs who are feeling desperate or depressed will now have a consolidated thread which they can refer to for differing opinions on the subject...Just a thought...

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/5/2008 4:42:56 PM
Author:surfgirl
I thought that since this has become a topic of discussion recently, perhaps it deserves its own thread where people can discuss the elements and psychology of women who are single and who want to be engaged/married or whatever. There have been some great posts lately on other threads but in the interest of not thread-jacking the the original posts, might I suggest that TGal, rising sun, jewels305, holly, etc. re-post their more recent posts from that one thread, over here so we can continue the discussion unabated? Perhaps those LIWs who are feeling desperate or depressed will now have a consolidated thread which they can refer to for differing opinions on the subject...Just a thought...

...or just frustrated, or eager, or excited, or...

(c''mon surfgirl..."desperate?" Who''s gonna admit to that?

)

 

[MissErin]

Ok I guess I will kind of start... I want to be engaged to my boyfriend for reasons of love and life with him. I hope I don''t come off as desperate but I can understand how that can be seen too. I am a firm believer in waiting until marriage to move in together. Old fashioned I know, but it''s something I really believe in. Because of this, I am eager to start that journey of being engaged and married so I can begin the rest of my life with the man I can''t live without. There are days I am more eager to be proposed to then others. When I do find myself getting too obsessive about the topic, I come here. One of the biggest lessons I have learned from you wonderful ladies is to enjoy this moment. Being a girlfriend will only last so long, so I should live to love each day. Ever since then I have tried to keep reminding myself that it will come, when the time is right, so until then I should be fixated on my amazing time as a girlfriend. I have the rest of my life to be his wife, but only so long to be a girlfriend.

That''s my perspective... Valid to some, and not so much to others. Either way it''s where I am, what I believe, and how I live.

Surfgirl - Thank you for starting this thread. I hope to keep it positive and helpful to others.

 

[Miscka]

OK I''ll bite. Not sure if this is what you had in mind, if not sorry! As far as the emotions of being an LIW go, I have to say that FOR ME the most intense ones came when I wasn''t sure that a proposal was in our future. I knew I wanted it, but wasn''t sure where he was on the topic. I felt anxious, really ready to move on with my life, and like waiting would be torture. Now, that we are in the ring shopping/planning phase and I know it is coming, and have a vague idea of when, I have little to no anxiety about it. I am excited, but I feel at ease with everything and patient. It is very odd. Maybe I am the opposite of most on here, but that has been my experience. Does anyone else think that the posts about anger and frustration are from the LIW who isnt sure vs. the LIW who is simply waiting for a purchased ring? Even if the unsure aren''t consciously unsure? Please know that I am NOT saying that anyone who gets frustrated or angry is doubting...just curious to see what others respond. And, for the record, I find that venting here is fabulously helpful, and I hope that we continue to feel comfortable doing so no matter what the state of our respective relationships are.

 

[MissErin]

Date: 1/5/2008 5:03:41 PM
Author: Miscka
OK I''ll bite. Not sure if this is what you had in mind, if not sorry! As far as the emotions of being an LIW go, I have to say that FOR ME the most intense ones came when I wasn''t sure that a proposal was in our future. I knew I wanted it, but wasn''t sure where he was on the topic. I felt anxious, really ready to move on with my life, and like waiting would be torture. Now, that we are in the ring shopping/planning phase and I know it is coming, and have a vague idea of when, I have little to no anxiety about it. I am excited, but I feel at ease with everything and patient. It is very odd. Maybe I am the opposite of most on here, but that has been my experience. Does anyone else think that the posts about anger and frustration are from the LIW who isnt sure vs. the LIW who is simply waiting for a purchased ring? Even if the unsure aren''t consciously unsure? Please know that I am NOT saying that anyone who gets frustrated or angry is doubting...just curious to see what others respond. And, for the record, I find that venting here is fabulously helpful, and I hope that we continue to feel comfortable doing so no matter what the state of our respective relationships are.

This was very well put and I can''t agree with you more about the fact that knowing it is coming calms the worries and excites the anticipation. I really do agaree with your analysis of it being more that it''s the girls that are unsure if a ring is in the future or not that causes some panic. At this point it''s more of "should I just move on or wait to see if things get more serious" thus resulting in agony. And when you finally get that clarification out of the way, I think the worry or frustration subsides. Knowing a ring is coming calms the fears and creates the butterflies in the stomach. It''s more giddy then desperate, at least to me.

Thank you for putting this thought out there. I this is has a lot of validity.

 

[surfgirl]

I hope that this thread will be honest, with the acknowledgment that "honesty" isn't always "positive" in the eyes of some, hence a separate thread. I hope rising sun and jewels305 will re post their most recent posts from another thread over here because I think they're on to something really important! Hence my wanting to continue that convo here.

Erin, please, can you change your font color. I've asked before, and you know there are others who are bothered by the color and I know you think it's cute and all but honestly, it's so distracting to the eye and I cannot read your posts as a result. Can you at least change the color for this thread please, so I can read your posts? Thank you so much! It would really be appreciated.

ETA: Mischka, I think you might be on to something because even though some girls know their guy has the ring, they seem much calmer and less frantic - they appear able to enjoy the moment more. What I think is interesting is the folks who call themselves LIW, despite the fact that they clearly say their guy isn't ready for engagement, let alone marriage. Those are the threads that I dont get at all. To me, a LIW is one who's had serious conversations with their partner about marriage and they're on that path - together. Many times the women who post on LIW who say their SO isn't ready or something similar, I just feel sad for them that they consider themselves "in waiting", as in they don't really have a say in their own destiny. That's the sad, frustrating part of reading those threads. That a woman would relinquish her independence and her sense of self worth and self determination for a guy who's not on the same page as she is. That's the part I dont understand. Then again, as both rising sun and jewels305 have mentioned, there is the inherent social pressure of "moving on to the next level", though I think that timeline is different depending on each person's family/social circle. I do find it interesting that couples that have been together a long time STILL get the occasional "SO. Are you guys EVER getting married?" question, like it's the only end game in town. In fact, it rather irked me that people I barely see, sent us wedding gifts and cards after our elopement despite us being together for so many years. I mean, it was like saying to us, "you didn't deserve a present for being in a committed relationship but now that you conformed to social norms, here's a present to celebrate joining the ranks!" I know that's a bit harsh but honestly, I felt like "hey, we've been together longer than most married couples I know but we dont rate a card or an official acknowledgment unless we're legally married?" Then again, maybe if Hallmark made a "Congrats on your long term relationship" card, maybe we'd have been acknowledged without marriage? I'm not really sure but it was a surreal experience.

 

[TravelingGal]

Anxiety to get engaged is one thing that I can''t really relate to, personally. I never felt it because...well, hard to get anxious about getting engaged when there''s no man around!

I spent my 20''s in a long distance relationship, and the early part of my 30''s in LD with TGuy. In retrospect, there was probably some underlying reason why I liked relationships like that. Technically I wasn''t single and didn''t have to deal with the "stigma" of being such, but I still had all the freedom to do what I wanted.

I always did think that I might be married by 30, but that was some weird internal deadline that I think a lot of women have. In my case, I didn''t take it too seriously. 30 came and went and I thought, meh, whatever.

I''m not sure why I never felt anxious...but if I were to have to pick I reason, I''d have to say it was because of my traveling. I was too busy and eager to add experiences to my life instead of settling down. And I had GREAT travel experiences...especially when it came to meeting all kinds of people. There was the young South African I met in Australia with whom I went on a midnight stroll on the beach in Port Douglas - kissing in the water, and then both realizing: crap! The box jellyfish! We could die! The Irishman who took a day off from work and drove me around beautiful galway - tea at the clubhouse and and a stop to teach me how to fish...all without even wanting a kiss...he was just so proud to show me his gorgeous Ireland. The Aussie gal I met in Italy who I am still friends with to this day. We got married the same year to the men we were interested in while in Europe, and now both are pregnant with due dates a month apart. The list goes on and on.

And of course, there was TGuy, who threw a wrench into everything. He was only supposed to be a fling, and somehow got me to marry him. If I hadn''t met him, I would have trekked in Peru, walked the great wall of China, been on a boat in Hanoi, and maybe seen the Antarctic.

I''ve thought about it recently...if now, at 35, there was no guy in sight, would I have felt more desperate? Mind you, I never had that maternal drive, so my biological clock probably would not have been an issue. But I do think I might have been a little sad that the domestic part of my life had not quite panned out. I feel much older now at 35 than I did at 30 for some strange reason. Anyway, I am pretty sure that I would have been too busy to think about it too much and be overly sad - but I''ll never be able to say for sure.

All I know is that things seem to have a way of working out when you simply enjoy living your life and enriching your own character.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/5/2008 5:28:15 PM
Author: surfgirl
I hope that this thread will be honest, and honest isn''t always positive in the eyes of some, hence a separate thread. I hope rising sun and jewels305 will re post their most recent posts from another thread over here because I think they''re on to something really important! Hence my wanting to continue that convo here.

Erin, please, can you change your font color. I know you think it''s cute and all but honestly, it''s so distracting to the eye and I cannot read your posts as a result. Can you at least change the color for this thread please, so I can read your posts? Thank you so much! It would really be appreciated.

But surfgirl, her font matches your avatar so well!

Honest is fine and good. But I do believe that people can voice their opinions and theories without being downright insulting...so we shall see.

 

[surfgirl]

That sound you hear TGal, is me spanking you, and not in a good way!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/5/2008 5:40:54 PM
Author: surfgirl
That sound you hear TGal, is me spanking you, and not in a good way!

Ack! Please be careful! Baby on board!!!

 

[MissErin]

Date: 1/5/2008 5:28:15 PM
Author: surfgirl

Erin, please, can you change your font color. I''ve asked before, and you know there are others who are bothered by the color and I know you think it''s cute and all but honestly, it''s so distracting to the eye and I cannot read your posts as a result. Can you at least change the color for this thread please, so I can read your posts? Thank you so much! It would really be appreciated.

Ok sorry for the color. I am not trying to be cute, I promise you that. I just adore the color pink and it is somewhat of my trademark but I respect you and your request to change the color for this thread. Again, I am truly very sorry for angering and annoying you. It was never my intention.

 

[surfgirl]

Adding these gems from rising sun and jewels305..hope they dont mind but I thought these posts really added something key to the discussion on another thread...

Date: 1/5/2008 2:02:34 AM
Author: Jewels305

Date: 1/5/2008 1:25:40 AM

Author: risingsun

I'm not going to chuck a fruity, because I still think it's something quite naughty

I think we need to consider the developmental milestone that many young women are having to navigate at this point in their lives. Intimacy versus isolation is a core concern, which will affect ongoing psychosocial development. If we feel abandoned and rejected, our tendency is to move toward our partner and attempt to control them and the outcome of our relationships. Unfortunately, this often has the opposite of the desired effect. Trying to explain this to a woman who is depressed, anxious or fearful is a daunting task. Tough love doesnt always do the job--if it did, I would be out of a job

I think it is important to point out the 'red flags,' using language that others will, at least, hear.

A little Erikson psychosical development... I like it, now you're speaking my language. I think you are right that developmetally speaking, people are seeking out long term intimate relationships roughly around their 20s, and that it could be one factor behind people being anxious to finding a partner who is willing to make that sort of commitment.


I think that the question Holly asked is an interesting one, and I wrote a reflection paper on the topic for me personally this semester for grad school. I basically concluded that when a person is in their relationship a certain amount of time, they start to feel external pressure from society to begin thinking about the next step, marriage. People also feel internal pressure because they have self induced time lines of when things should happen. I think that this internal timetable is influenced by the media to a large extent, and also perhaps some peer pressure (for lack of a better term) of others getting engaged. For me personally, the questions started as soon as people realized I had been with my BF for a year. And although marriage was something that he and I had talked about in some detail at that point, I was shocked at how many times people mentioned it because I thought it was unbelievable that we had talked about it so early on!


It is just my personal theory that the high divorce rate that we are currently seeing may be the result of 'giving in' to these pressures, and marrying and divorcing in the same amount of time that it might have taken a dating relationship to reach its expiration date. I don't think that the pressure ends at engagement or marriage, because I know a lot of people who have gotten married who are now experiencing 'baby pressure.'


No matter what stage of their relationship people are in, I think it's important to remember that each relationship is different and no one should be expected to follow the same timeline as anyone else. Just enjoy the time that you have now, and rest assured that everything will work out the way it was meant to.


Oh, I also like the term 'chuckin' a fruity' very much, so thanks for the new lingo TGal (and of course TGuy)!

ETA: Erin, THANK YOU SO MUCH! Now I can see you posts more easily. It's fine to love pink, really, I like it too...but my decrepit eyes just have a hard time reading it and then I feel like I'm missing your posts since I skip over them because the color hurts my eyes. It's just a pity that others might not read your posts because of the same...but now I can read them and I really appreciate your doing that. Thank you!!

 

[surfgirl]

One thing that jewels brought up is the timeline pressure and she''s right in that when you''re unmarried, you get pressured to get married after a certain length of courtship. Then after you tie the knot you get pressure for having children. Then, you get pressure on getting a house, or a bigger house. It''s always something isn''t it? Then when your kids grow up, you probably get pressure from friends/family on when your kids will get married. And have kids. And get a house. And, and, and. I dont know why our society cannot be happy that someone is happy without conforming to these social norm "milestones"...

 

[MissErin]

Date: 1/5/2008 5:45:22 PM
Author: surfgirl


ETA: Erin, THANK YOU SO MUCH! Now I can see you posts more easily. It''s fine to love pink, really, I like it too...but my decrepit eyes just have a hard time reading it and then I feel like I''m missing your posts since I skip over them because the color hurts my eyes. It''s just a pity that others might not read your posts because of the same...but now I can read them and I really appreciate your doing that. Thank you!!

That''s fine. I just feel really terrible about making you dislike me.

I never wish to make people upset with my font. Just thinking about it, for other posts that you wish to read from me in the pink font - if you highlight the post it shows it in black and white and may be easier for you to read. Hope that helps in other threads. But for this, I will respect you and keep it blue.

 

[TravelingGal]

Erin, if you like pink, and others don't mind it (which it seems they don't), then you should keep it. But I agree with surfgirl, in that I find it distracting. I also abhor that shade of pink.

But that's my problem! However, it makes it easy to skip over your posts, which I admit, I often do. I don't mean that to be offensive...I just thought you would be interested in knowing that some of us probably don't read your posts at all (especially when they are longer) because of the font color.

Re: isolation vs intimacy...

It's like having a taste of the fruit, I reckon. Once you have had a great relationship (whether you are living together domestically or not), the thought of "starting over" is a tough pill to swallow. So I think lots of women want to seal the deal and cement in the happiness. Even though one can divorce after marriage, marriage itself seems more "permanent" mentally to a lot of women than being partners. I would fully admit that after TGuy moved to the U.S., it was hard to imagine the relationship not working out...and in fact it was mentally quite draining. That notion, coupled with the fact that it was very tough for us to distangle our lives (since he was living with me and a new resident without much credit history) probably kept us both at it when the going got tough. Oh...and that funny little concept called "commitment."

That might be the reason I didn't feel the anxiety in my 20's...I really didn't get a good bite of that fruit!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/5/2008 5:50:53 PM
Author: surfgirl
One thing that jewels brought up is the timeline pressure and she''s right in that when you''re unmarried, you get pressured to get married after a certain length of courtship. Then after you tie the knot you get pressure for having children. Then, you get pressure on getting a house, or a bigger house. It''s always something isn''t it? Then when your kids grow up, you probably get pressure from friends/family on when your kids will get married. And have kids. And get a house. And, and, and. I dont know why our society cannot be happy that someone is happy without conforming to these social norm ''milestones''...

So...surfgirl, when are you having kids?

*covers buttcheeks*

 

[bee*]

Not a LIW anymore, but I was on this board for over a year and a half before I got engaged and dated D for 8 and a bit years before we got engaged too. To be honest, occasionally I got a bit antsy about waiting but it was only as I was so excited to actually be D''s fiance. The majority of the time it was something that I knew would happen as D had said that we would be engaged by the end of 07, so I just had to sit back and enjoy it. I was just a couple of months away from turning 26 when we got engaged and I felt ready to take that step from about late 24 to 25 but not beforehand. D and I wanted to get our careers on track and finish our education and we also traveled so much together and these are things that we wanted to get done before we settled down a bit more and had the expense of a mortgage. It''s not very common for people to get married very young in Ireland either and most people seem to date for years before taking that step, so I''m not sure that there seems to be the same cultural pressure to get married young (not sure if there is in the US either or if it just seems to be from reading this forum). For me, most people that I went to college with and most of my friends have all traveled so much before settling down so I suppose that''s the one thing that I can''t get my head around when I see girls who are in late teens/early twenties wanting to get married-why not have some fun and travel before settling down with a house. I suppose not everyone wants to do that, but that''s the one thing that has always made me think. Then again, it seems to be the difference over here-Irish men are slow to take that next step

 

[surfgirl]

TGal, you make some good points. In fact, there have been a couple of really sad cases on PS this year, where gals have had to end relationships where they were either engaged/living together,etc. And I do think you have a point that a lot of women feel that if they can only get their guys to propose, then it's a done deal and they dont have to date ever again. This sort of person does seem to forget about the high divorce rate in the US in particular. Un-doing a marriage is about as easy as doing it! I do remember that Mr. Surf said quite a few times that not being married allowed him to be with me because he wanted to, and not because of a piece of paper said he had to. Obviously, we ended up deciding that marriage was something we both wanted to do. But I also understand his point because we know so many people who are married and we cannot understand WHY they're married because they dont seem very happy. I suppose that's one reason I'm a big supporter of taking is slow...Even if you have special circumstances. Someone recently said she was wanting to get married ASAP because her mom was terminally ill. I can understand wanting to share that moment with a loved one before they pass. I wish that my grandmother could have been alive to hear we got married, she would have had a smile from ear to ear! But in the end, I think she'd be happier knowing I made the right decision when the time was right, rather than getting married earlier, just to have her see me married. Wait, re reading that made me dizzy. Did that make any sense???

ETA: bee, interesting about the age pressure in different Western countries...Perhaps it's the "disposable marriage" attitude of Hollywood that influence people here in the US?

ETA2: TGal, no rugrats in our future...only puppies!

 

[TravelingGal]

bee, I think in the U.S. it''s normal to get married in mid twenties...and even have kids before 30. Of course, nowadays, it''s more normal to do all that in your 30''s as well.

I was lucky that I have a great mom who encourages independence, because among my Korean circle of friends, I was over the hill at 25, and nearly unmarriageable at 30, it seemed! I also grew up going to church (until my mid 20s) and everyone shook their heads in pity if you were 30 (male or female) and not hitched. Maybe it was that "you shouldn''t live in sin" thing and the earlier you marry, the better, so you don''t stray into carnal lust!

 

[bee*]

Surfgirl and TGal-there does seem to be a bit of a difference from some of the Irish wedding forums that I''ve been reading. The average age of people that were getting married on that forum is 28-29, and there were only two people that got married under 24, and I think it was 163 people that answered the poll. I''m trying to find the link but I can''t find it at the mo. Most of the people were dating their SO for well over six years before getting engaged so it definitely seems to move at a slower pace over here! I feel too young to be getting married and I''ll be 27 when I do it

 

[Skippy123]

Wow, this is a great thread. I find it very interesting. Well all I wanted when I was in my early 20's was to be married. I found a great man and knew I wanted to spend my life with him; he on the other hand rather take it slow, (I didn't understand it all at the time, but now I am glad we did). It took us 3 years to get married but I think since we waited, it made us both stronger as a couple. I think we really mature in our 20's and 30's and we discover so much about ourselves and we change so much in 10 years!!! I thought I knew what I wanted in my early 20's and thought those things would never change but I learned that we are always growing and changing our thoughts/ways, etc. I think giving things time is a very good thing and it worked for us. For all the LIW, it isn't bad to wait; I did and now we have a strong marriage and we will be married 8 years come April! I am not saying we are perfect, I am just saying you learn so much about yourself through being independent and learning about what you want.

 

[bee*]

hehe Skippy, it's funny seeing different people's views on things, cos I'm like, only three years, wow you flew to the aisle

ETA-I definitely agree with you on the independent thing. I don't know how you can join your life with another person's when you don't even know your own well enough.

 

[TravelingGal]

I believe that marriage is special. For me, that piece of paper DOES mean something, and I feel different being a wife than a partner. But that''s just me. It''s probably the reason that I was MORE petrified of getting married than not.

Most people probably don''t go into marriage thinking they will get divorced, but I am willing to bet that many people do go into marriage fully willing to take the option should it become necessary. Even for me, watching my parents live through a marriage that should have been dissolved ages ago made me think I definitely would take the option should TGuy ever hit me or cheat on me. Barring those two reasons, divorce is not an option for me. Irreconcilable differences...no thanks.

I wonder how many people would want to get married so quickly if you couldn''t get divorced and had to live with that person in the same home for the rest of your life? I daresay quite a few people would think twice.

bee, I was the only one of my friends to get married in my 30s. 2 got married at 25, and one at 28. It didn''t seem too young at the time, since I was in my twenties myself. All 3 are still married...with 10 years or more under their belts. I do not know anyone who is in my closer circle who has gotten a divorce.

 

[surfgirl]

Erin said upthread:

"At this point it's more of 'should I just move on or wait to see if things get more serious' thus resulting in agony."

I think this is also another key root cause of the angst unmarried women in relationships can be feeling. Especially at a later age, you start to feel like "Hey, I cant afford to waste anymore time in a relationship that's going nowhere", "nowhere" being marriage as the end game. I suspect this is where girls come here posting about being antsy to get engaged but having only been in a relationship for 1-2 years, which to me isn't a long time, really. I think one of the biggest challenges today is to balance one's desire for commitment against the social pressures and time frames that influence each of us differently. How much time needs to pass before we consider our not engaged/not on the path to marriage relationship "wasted time"?

There was a LIW here a few months ago who decided that she wasn't going to wait any longer for her guy to get on the same marriage page as she was on. I really admired her chutzpah for saying "here is where I am. Here is where I want to be going. If you're not with me, and cant say when you will be with me, then I'm going to move on with my life and find someone who's on the same page." We all say that her move took cojones but really, why should that "stand up for you own life destiny" be considered so out of the norm, rather than the norm??

ETA: TGal, for me too, marriage was taken very very seriously and I also feel much different being his wife, than being his long term SO. I didn't think it would feel different after such a long time but it does, in a good way...I also wonder about people hopping into marriage if they couldn't get out of it as easily.

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/5/2008 6:32:23 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I believe that marriage is special. For me, that piece of paper DOES mean something, and I feel different being a wife than a partner. But that's just me. It's probably the reason that I was MORE petrified of getting married than not.


Most people probably don't go into marriage thinking they will get divorced, but I am willing to bet that many people do go into marriage fully willing to take the option should it become necessary. Even for me, watching my parents live through a marriage that should have been dissolved ages ago made me think I definitely would take the option should TGuy ever hit me or cheat on me. Barring those two reasons, divorce is not an option for me. Irreconcilable differences...no thanks.


I wonder how many people would want to get married so quickly if you couldn't get divorced and had to live with that person in the same home for the rest of your life? I daresay quite a few people would think twice.


bee, I was the only one of my friends to get married in my 30s. 2 got married at 25, and one at 28. It didn't seem too young at the time, since I was in my twenties myself. All 3 are still married...with 10 years or more under their belts. I do not know anyone who is in my closer circle who has gotten a divorce.

I'd be the same as you-barring the two reasons that you listed, no divorce for me. It was only brought into Ireland in the last decade and there are so many constrictions on getting one, that it's a lengthy process.

In terms of the age of getting married, in our group of friends there are 8 couples all together. One set got married last year and they were both 26. We're next to get married and we'll be 27(me)/28 (D) and none of the other couples are engaged. One set is going out three years and the others are all five years plus. One set are going out 11 years.

ETA-one friend of mine broke up with her bf last year as after dating for nearly seven years, he told her that he wasn't planning to move out of his mother's house until he was at least 36 (he's now 2

So I guess there is too much time that you can take.

 

[iheartscience]

Well I won''t get super psychological, but I think that most LsIW should think about a few things before they get frustrated and upset.

1. Communication is the most important aspect of a relationship. If you feel like you can''t communicate with your boyfriend about important things like your future together, maybe you shouldn''t be getting married just yet. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk about pretty much anything with each other.

2. It''s important to remember that you are in control of your own destiny. You don''t have to wait around indefinitely for a guy to propose. If he knows you desperately want to get married but he won''t propose, he may not be the right guy for you.

3. Think about why you want to be married. Is it only because you want to be in a more committed relationship with your boyfriend? Or are you feeling pressured by your friends/family/society?

4. Listen to your intuition. Do you think he is ready for marriage? Or is he just telling you he''s planning on proposing eventually to keep you around?

 

[TravelingGal]

re: 1-2 years not being a long time...

I generally agree with that...but maybe we should consider the quality of that time? I remember in college, a lot of girls wanted to get married to their guys. In college, you spent a LOT more daily time with your man. Some have classes together, do study time together, spend the evenings together way into the wee hours of the morning. Then there are weekends.

When you get into the real world, you maybe see each other on weekends here are there, and maybe a few times during the week if you are lucky. So even though you do grow and mature in your 20''s, perhaps people who met their mates in college/school really feel like they know their partners well and that 2 years together seems a lot more of an eternity than we 30 somethings view our 2 years with our men?

With TGuy, I traveled with him after we met, so even though I knew we were in "vacation mode", I did feel like I knew him decently well even only after 6 weeks of 24/7. Honestly, on the surface, we were kinda stupid...who leaves everything he knows for a woman he traveled with for 6 weeks, and only saw for 2 week stints 3 times over 2 years after that initial 6 weeks? OK, there were those weekend 10 hour phone call marathons, but still....WACKY!

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/5/2008 6:50:10 PM
Author: TravelingGal
re: 1-2 years not being a long time...


I generally agree with that...but maybe we should consider the quality of that time? I remember in college, a lot of girls wanted to get married to their guys. In college, you spent a LOT more daily time with your man. Some have classes together, do study time together, spend the evenings together way into the wee hours of the morning. Then there are weekends.


When you get into the real world, you maybe see each other on weekends here are there, and maybe a few times during the week if you are lucky. So even though you do grow and mature in your 20''s, perhaps people who met their mates in college/school really feel like they know their partners well and that 2 years together seems a lot more of an eternity than we 30 somethings view our 2 years with our men?

Yeah I see what you''re saying there. For me though, I think it''s easier to have a more fun relationship when you''re in college and I think that things change when both of you start working full-time. D and I have never had any real problems in our relationship but it did take a bit of getting used to with both of us working and the dynamics of our relationship changed a bit.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/5/2008 6:50:10 PM
Author: TravelingGal
re: 1-2 years not being a long time...

I generally agree with that...but maybe we should consider the quality of that time? I remember in college, a lot of girls wanted to get married to their guys. In college, you spent a LOT more daily time with your man. Some have classes together, do study time together, spend the evenings together way into the wee hours of the morning. Then there are weekends.

When you get into the real world, you maybe see each other on weekends here are there, and maybe a few times during the week if you are lucky. So even though you do grow and mature in your 20''s, perhaps people who met their mates in college/school really feel like they know their partners well and that 2 years together seems a lot more of an eternity than we 30 somethings view our 2 years with our men?

With TGuy, I traveled with him after we met, so even though I knew we were in ''vacation mode'', I did feel like I knew him decently well even only after 6 weeks of 24/7. Honestly, on the surface, we were kinda stupid...who leaves everything he knows for a woman he traveled with for 6 weeks, and only saw for 2 week stints 3 times over 2 years after that initial 6 weeks? OK, there were those weekend 10 hour phone call marathons, but still....WACKY!

I think this is definitely true. I met my fiance towards the end of my first round of college (he had already graduated college) and we spent TONS of time together once we started getting serious. We hung out almost every day. I knew after about a year that we would get married. After about 3 years, I was totally ready to get engaged, and definitely let him know that! I am NOT afraid to communicate my feelings about pretty much anything.

I always say that I probably communicate *too* much.

I didn''t feel any societal pressure to be married...I was just ready to take the next step. I''m actually the only one of my friends my age (I''m 26, he''s 29) who''s engaged so I definitely had no peer pressure. Plus my mom has always told my siblings and I again and again to take our time and not rush into anything. My parents have been married for almost 40 years, so she knows what she''s talking about when it comes to marriage!

 

[musey]

Date: 1/5/2008 7:02:42 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 1/5/2008 6:50:10 PM
Author: TravelingGal

re: 1-2 years not being a long time...

I generally agree with that...but maybe we should consider the quality of that time? I remember in college, a lot of girls wanted to get married to their guys. In college, you spent a LOT more daily time with your man. Some have classes together, do study time together, spend the evenings together way into the wee hours of the morning. Then there are weekends.

I think this is definitely true.

Me too. FI and I spent most of our waking (and sleeping

) hours together for 3 years of college. I felt ready after 1.5 years, but I'm incredibly glad we waited just a bit more (and until we'd lived together for a time).

Honestly, I cannot tell you why specifically I decided I was "ready" to marry him. I had all kinds of reasons lined up, sure (societal "pressure" being one - which was kinda BS because there wasn't ALL that much, and I don't really care about it, anyway), saved for people who heard I was "only" 22/23, or we'd "only" been dating 3 years (at the time). Honestly, though, I just felt like it was time.

I didn't have any motivations other than spending my life with him... ie. not being able to live with him prior to marriage, etc.. Though the whole "why buy the milk" thing did escape a few friends' mouths

Anyway, after 4 years together, living together, planning for the future (children, finances, careers), I'd honestly feel a little silly not marrying him!


No idea if that went OT or not. Forgive me, I'm kinda scatterbrained today!


ETA: Something that I've mentioned on here before is that the only time I questioned our decision to get married is when I reminded myself of our ages. If I'd planned out my perfect life timeline, I wouldn't have put marriage at 24... more likely at 28-30. But life doesn't generally follow our perfect timelines, I suppose

It feels right now, regardless of age considerations.