The Agony!!!

[appleeyes]

Hi ladies,

I am really happy I found you all! This is my first post although I have lurked for a little while

I became a LIW when I lost my job two months ago. If it were not for the boy, I would have definitely moved straight back to my home country (MANY miles away). I miss my family and my culture so much (plus I am running out of money and it is very difficult for me to find a new job here because of my foreign qualifications). After some serious thinking, I decided that I was only willing to stay and go through the whole visa application/job hunt/new qualifications process if he officially committed. Fortunately, he said that he did want to marry me! I was very happy!!! Since then, I have been working really hard - organising a visa, applying for jobs and studying. It has been very very stressful.

After that conversation, I pretty much expected a proposal within the month. In fact, my dad visited and so I thought the timing was perfect as my boy could discuss it with him if he wanted. Needless to say, there has been no proposal (AND he didn''t say anything at all to my dad). I have tried to ask him many times "when" we would get married. I have also had a few breakdowns over the fact that we are not engaged/married. He tries to comfort me and always says we will get married and I believe that he truly thinks that. He said it is just such a big decision. What??? It was such a big decision for me to stay and, after our conversation, I had to take some irrevocable actions (like spending $4000 on visa/study fees). Turns out that I have jumped off the cliff all by myself and am now just waiting for him to join me. This is a horrible feeling (soooo much resentment). I am carrying all the risk. I have explained all this to him (resentment, risk, how uneasy I feel not being married yet etc) but I still think a proposal is a long way off (i.e. not before the end of the year). This is really NOT what I signed up for or expected. I am incredibly hurt and angry.

I have no doubt that he loves me and that he believes he will marry me ... some day. He just can''t take the next step for whatever reason. The fact that I am unhappy with the current situation does not seem enough for him to do it yet. He is just not ready and, obviously, I can''t make him propose.

We have been together a year (lived together for 6 months) and are both 30. We are otherwise super happy and wonderful together (although this is really eating away at the relationship and my self esteem - also there is a lot of pressure on the relationship given the stakes). ANY advice would be soooooo much appreciated ... xx

 

[mousey]

I can completely understand your resentment- you were upfront with him, and you feel that he has not been so with you. But it does nt sound like he is being deceitful, just that he is having a hard time getting his head around it. Waiting for a proposal is so frustrating, but no matter how much you want it, it is up to him to ask, and he will only do that in his own good time. Have you asked him what his time frame is? Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to have a time frame in mind (i.e. if he has n t proposed by this date I will think about moving on)? Also, since you two are a serious couple, would he consider helping out with the cost of applying for a visa?
Anyways, hugs!

 

[KittyBling]

i agree with mousey you need to talk and settle on some kind of a time frame because ur giving up quite a lot on the promise of marriage. he needs to stick to the time frame too and know that ur not going to be waiting there forever for him to get his head around it all.

 

[appleeyes]

Thanks Mousey and Kitty (very cute names) ... well, I have tried to push him on the timing (my "when" questions) but he won''t be pinned down. I think I will bring it up again soon but I am really afraid that he just won''t commit to one ... what should I do in that case?

hugs! xx

 

[justginger]

What a frustrating position to be in! I share many similarities with you, so I''d like you to know that *someone* understands the stress (mental, emotional, and financial) of visa applications and being far away from home. I promise you''ll make it through and will certainly be proud of yourself when you do.

I don''t know what country you''re in, but from my knowledge, once you''re on a prospective spousal visa (or the like), you''ve got a very limited amount of time before you actually have to tie the knot and move on to a spousal visa. In my lovely adoptive country, it''s 6 months. If your partner knows this, it may be causing him to drag his feet on the proposal - cause he knows that a very short amount of time is able to pass before you''re officially his Mrs. For a man in a one year relationship, that''s quite a big bite to swallow, IYKWIM. It''s great that things are going well and you''re both happy, but I''m sure that just a tiny bit of him feels sorta backed into a corner. He''s not getting to decide exactly how things are proceeding and probably feels out of control - and so if he ignores the situation, he has a bit of peace for a while longer. He doesn''t have to think about not being the "master of his destiny" and all that other crap that men who are facing down being adults sometimes spew.

If I were you, I would try to mentally get around being where you are for him. You need to be where you are for you, and he''s a bonus. If you shape your life plan around him, everything is going to shatter if something happens between the two of you (I moved to a foreign country solely for my ex, so that''s based on very painful experience). Set your thoughts on, "I''ll be here for X amount of time, and if I''m not settled/married/happy by then, I''ll go home to my family and consider it a fantastic life experience." I suspect there was some miscommunication when you aired your intentions to stay only if he "committed" - he was probably thinking, "Marriage in a year or two? Yeah, that sounds good." My gut instinct is that he understands what you''ve sacrificed/risked for him, but honestly the more YOU dwell on it, inside, the worse your relationship is going to get. You''re potentially at the top of a very slippery slope.

Speak to him about the situation and get a realistic time frame. Explain that you understand his desire to not rush, but that you''ve put it all out there and at least want to be on the same page as him, in terms of expectations. If I were you, I wouldn''t expect a proposal in less than 6 months. Usually a year of living together or so is usually a nice place for men to be, mentally, when they move on to the next step.

I know it sounds extreme, but you may want to consider seeing someone, to talk things through, especially in regards to your homesickness and the impact this might have on your relationship. Don''t underestimate how much the feeling of one-sided sacrifice can erode a partnership. You find yourself becoming very bitter and it''s a toxic situation.

Good luck, I wish you happiness in your new home.

 

[appleeyes]

Oh justginger, thank you so much for the kind and very wise words. It sounds like you have had a lot of experience in this situation. In terms of my visa status, it is not dependent on us getting married because fortunately I am "highly skilled" so can obtain it in my own right. I think your advice re making my new home country "my own" and in the meantime setting an internal date is very helpful. Indeed, you have inspired me to head out with a new friend this evening so hopefully I can develop my own circle!

Yes, at some point, I will have to push him for a timeline. It is just so hard to have those conversations though because I feel very guilty about "backing him into a corner" as well ... I would love for him to propose on his own timing but I guess I have no idea if that is 6 months from now or 2 years.

I''m also going to seriously consider counselling ... the resentment is so overwhelming sometimes ... I fantasise about sneaking away to the airport and getting on the next plane home just to "hurt" him - which is completely immature on my part.

 

[blueberrydot]

When I first started reading your post, I thought you were going to say that you had been together for at the very least, two or three years. Then I read that you''ve been together for a year, and for me, I can understand where he''s coming from. I don''t mean to say that one year isn''t enough time for him to decide that he wants to marry you. My boyfriend and I knew very VERY early on in our relationship that we were going to get married. However, if he had asked me to get married at or around our one year mark, I would have told him to simmer down!

It''s not that I didn''t feel like maybe he wasn''t the person I should spend the rest of my life with - I knew that without a doubt. It''s just that one year would have seemed just soooo soon for me. I would have been planning a wedding almost before I got used to having him as a boyfriend! If it were only up to him, I know that he would have proposed long before now, and he has said as much. But I wanted to spend time enjoying our courtship period. I have always been a naturally cautious person, and I like to take my time with things. This was kind of why I specifically told my boyfriend that I didn''t want any proposals of marriage until we had been together for at least two years. That two years is almost up (in January) and I know that my proposal is very very soon, and even now it sort of freaks me out because it just seems so Grown Up

. However, I''m ready to move on to that next step, even though it''s a little scary, whereas a year ago, I wouldn''t have been ready to say "Yes" if he had asked me (even though I knew I wanted to marry him!). I think your guy just needs some time to get more used to the idea. Enjoy this time with him, but please do have a talk with him about a time frame, however. If he wanted to wait another year before a proposal, would you be ok with this? If you''re not, then you both have a lot of decisions to make. But if you are willing to wait for a year (or however long he specifies) then you will both have some peace of mind, I think. He needs to know that just telling you that he wants to marry you is not enough - you deserve to know when you can expect that to happen.

Best of luck to you both!

 

[lilyfoot]

The ladies that have replied so far have had good advice, however, it sticks out to me that you say you only stayed in your current country because your boyfriend said you were going to get married.

When you guys had that discussion, was it "We will get married in __ weeks, __ months, __ years", or just a "Someday we will get married"?

If he gave you a timeline, or alluded to a timeline, and that time has passed, then I''d say you have the right to be upset. If he was talking in a more general, someday manner, then I would say your side of the argument holds no water.

 

[justginger]

appleeyes, I started typing out a response to you, and for once in my life, realized it was all about me. I must be growing up.

So, I''m back to the beginning, and I''m going to try to stick to helping you, not just spewing my own personal woes regarding this kind of situation.

First - how long have you been in your new country? I am approaching my 4th moving anniversary and can honestly say I''ve only been content here, in my new life, for a few months. I was MISERABLE for the first 6 months, moderately uncomforable for the next 3 years, and am finally content now. Transitioning is different for everyone, but you need to understand it can be a long road - and it sometimes feels even longer than it really is! I think it''s worse for people who struggle with change in general, and especially for those who are very emotional and get attached easily. You may find yourself unhappy in your new home for quite a while and need to be mentally prepared for the long haul. Make sure you are wherever you are for YOU. No one else is worth it.

Second - speaking to a counselor is a very good idea. I did so, and while it didn''t really give me all that much insight at the time, in retrospect I''ve found her advice helpful. Specifically she spoke with me about the grieving period -- you''re homesick because your life, as you knew it, is over. You''ve died. You mourn the traditions, the holidays, the people you used to see every day, the familar sights, the seasons, driving on "your" side of the road, the nature and wildlife, the food, your culture''s history, sense of humor, etc - everything that you don''t experience in your new life. Everyone/thing that you found familiar and comforting is gone and it probably feels like you''re permanently on holiday. You don''t experience the feeling of "going home" - it''s like at the end of the day, every day, you''re returning to a hotel room (albeit a nice one!). It''s a terrible feeling, always being out of place and out of sorts, yearning for a place you can''t get to. This improves over time as you start to leave your mark on your new world. A familiar brand of clothing as a treat, a dessert from home that you''ve made and shared with coworkers, a pet you can look forward to seeing, a trip home to look foward to, volunteer work where you''re appreciated, a painting you''ve made or specially picked out, a garden with flowers you grew up with.

Also, you get tired of standing out...or at least I did. I found myself being much less outgoing because when I spoke, and my accent was heard, I was the recipient of a barrage of questions, comments, and/or insults. I couldn''t just blend in anymore - I wasn''t one of the crowd, I was a foreigner. I simply wanted to be seen for ME, not for the country I represented. I know most people mean no harm to you when they ask questions, etc, but I''m sure you miss just being like everyone else every once in a while. This too gets better the longer you''re there - the people closest to you run out of questions and you get a good repertoire of comebacks for the strangers who have to get their two cents in!

Third - your martyr attitude will ruin your relationship. I say that without spite or accusation, because I''ve been there, I did it (though like any relationship breakdown, it wasn''t the sole reason for our split). Because I felt as if I had sacrificed EVERYTHING, I demanded that I got my way all the time. I chose the movies, restaurants, pets, properties, parties, etc. I gave up my life, and damnit I was gonna control everything I could in my new life! The resentment I felt was overwhelming. I can sense you''re standing at that precipice and it''s something I urge you to avoid. To my knowledge the only way to get around it, is to decide you are where you are for YOU. No man is worth sacrificing your entire life for - you have to decide you want your life wherever you are, and then be thankful it''s blessed with his presence. See him as a sign-on bonus, not your entire paycheck.

Like I said, a mental timeline is good, if you want to entertain the idea of going "home." Most people who do this, now I can say myself included, realize that their new country is home before they reach that point in time. It''s good as a backup though - but please realize that while you can go home, you can''t go BACK. Things will be different when you get there, so don''t think you''re going to pick up where you left off. That''s a painful reality for us expats who attempt to return after a period of time. Like with old relationships, time puts a rose colored tint on your old life - try to love the fact that you were fortunate enough to have it, while not trying to recapture it. You will be disappointed if you return to a reality that isn''t nearly as good as you remembered.

When you speak to your partner about marriage, don''t ask him what his ''timeline'' is - that makes it sound like a formal business transaction that he''s undertaking. Just say, "I know we''ve spoken about this already, but how would YOU like things to proceed? I''m not hanging out (even if you are!), I''d just like to figure out how to budget for the savings this is going to require. Plus it can''t be too soon because I''ll have to let my family know so they can be there." Then maybe he''ll feel as if he can really be honest, because you''re hinting that you don''t want it next month anyway, with the family comment. It might make him feel comfortable enough to be honest, even if that does mean he''ll say "sometime next year." At least then you''ll have some sort of an idea of what to expect. In many relationships, that''s a nice timeframe -- I mean, he''s actually admitted to wanting to marry you!

That''s very exciting! And I promise, fools rush in. It''s better he weigh things up now than the both of you face the consequences later.

I hope even a small amount of this gives you something to consider, or a bit of hope that things will improve (and I sincerely hope I didn''t rabbit on about myself too much!). I only wish I could go back in time and tell myself these things a few years ago!

I think the bottom line will always remain, you are where you are for a reason. Something brought you to where you are, and if it''s meant to be, something will take you elsewhere. Just try to be as happy as you can wherever you are.

 

[appleeyes]

Justginger - after I read your message, I went for a long walk around my adopted city. I can see it all now - how I will only be able to create happy life if I decided to be here for "me", if I move on from the martyrdom etc. Very powerful advice. Strange how it always takes someone else to open our eyes. Thank you so so so much - I feel so wonderfully lucky that you were kind enough to share your wisdom. In the last 24 hours, I have felt less powerless and less trapped in regards to my relationship and have had more clarity about what to do with my life here particularly professionally.

I have been in this country for 18 months. It sounds like you have lived in your adopted homeland for 4 years. That is impressive. I imagine the early days were very very difficult and placed an immense strain on your relationship. Did you ever always believe that it would work out?

 

[justginger]

appleeyes, I must admit that it makes me very happy to offer you any help. Few people really understand the heartache of your situation, and when I was there, I was truly alone. I found other expats who had made the transition, but they were all so damned happy.

None of them experienced the grief and resentment I did, so I really didn''t have anyone to help me through the low points. The ability to offer that help to someone else thrills me.

The early days after my move were embarrassingly terrible. I cried nearly every day.

I didn''t look for a job, I slept in all day, I didn''t change out of my pjs. I was, in retrospect, clinically depressed...but because I was coming from such a blessed life (had the greatest college experience, graduated valedictorian, had a great job, did the party sorority thing, etc), I couldn''t see it. I didn''t know it was possible for someone like ME to be depressed -- that only happened to other suckers.

Slowly I pulled myself out of it, but I never had the feeling it was all going to be ok, in regards to my partner. I guess I just put one foot in front of the other. My relationship had probably already been ruined by that point; separating from my ex was only a formality. That was the turning point for me though - I HAD to go out and make my life my own, or sit in an empty house alone. The process was further helped when I started dating my current partner, over 2 years ago now. Because I was happy with myself and where I was, I was happy with him - and vice versa. He still weathered some rough homesick patches with me (usually experienced after seeing pictures on FB of ANOTHER friend''s wedding that I had to miss), but I had chosen to stay for myself - I didn''t have any resentment for him, because he wasn''t the center of my decision to stay.

So the summary is, yes, it was very difficult. And it significantly contributed to the downfall of my relationship, because I couldn''t ever stop blaming him for dragging me away from my old, happy life. I didn''t realize what was happening to us at the time, so I was powerless to change my attitude or expectations. I am hoping that explaining to you how it happened to me, and what you are able to do, can prevent you from experiencing the same thing.

PS - remember, in regards to your initial issue about wanting a proposal, being married won''t make your new life better. A piece of paper won''t alleviate your homesickness or resentment. I only found myself truly happy when I decided to rock my new culture, and felt as if I really made the decision for ME, and no one else.