Tearing my hair out

[galeteia]

Date: 7/17/2008 7:33:01 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 7/17/2008 7:14:23 PM

Author: Galateia

Date: 7/17/2008 6:56:56 PM

Author: HollyS

iwanna: sometimes you're a sunnyside; sometimes a soother.



It's no big secret which category I'm in!

We're missing a category or two: those who make wild suppositions based on limited information, and those who enjoy 'ripping people a new one' and will pounce on any opening that comes their way.


Luckily, the former tend to evolve into something else, and the latter get chastised by the 'net nannies' and either learn some manners or wander away from the forum.

No. I covered them. They're there. Just not as you would identify them.

Hardly.

I imagine people would like to see themselves as 'truth tellers' but you specified that they see things 'exactly' as they are presented, which implies that the way they perceive it is the truth, full stop. Anyone who has spent time on internet forums knows there is always more to any story than what is contained in a single post.

In any case,

 

[Tuckins1]

I''m really glad to hear that you are sorting this thing out... It stinks that you hurt his feelings, but, it''s better that you said something than just let it fester. Please keep us updated as to what you are going to do (if anything) about this stone. Please post pics ASAP!!! I''ve never been more eager to see a diamond before! (This one has caused SO MUCH controversy!!)

 

[HollyS]

Galateia:

The truth tellers view the post exactly as the OP wrote it. Often the OP doesn''t realize she/he is posting in a manner that would lead others to believe certain things about them . . . they are projecting, perhaps not meaning to. The TT poster will latch onto words, phrases, tone, and decipher the OP''s post (right or wrong), but only by using just what the OP has posted. It is the truth as they read it; and they are not embellishing any point. I''m a TT poster. I take what someone says at face value if they''ve written it. We TTs assume that the first post, especially when someone is ''wrought up'', is usually quite revealing as to the real issues.

I''ve seen many a thread where the OP backtracked after reading how others deciphered her original post. That''s why the TT posters always quote the first post or lead the OP back to key points she made.

It is usually not our intention to be unkind; even if we feel the OP could use a little reality check.




(I like that smiley graphic.

)

 

[angeline]

I don''t have anything real wise to say...but that I admire the way you have responded to this thread prettycushion. I would not be so calm.

Good luck with sorting this out.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/17/2008 9:52:28 PM
Author: angeline
I don''t have anything real wise to say...but that I admire the way you have responded to this thread prettycushion. I would not be so calm.

Good luck with sorting this out.

I''ve been following this thread, but really haven''t had anything helpful to say, so I will just ditto angeline.

Good luck!

 

[Miranda]

Date: 7/17/2008 4:04:19 PM
Author: HollyS
I don''t know how I missed this thread so that I am the dead last poster (now), but. . . .

I think this has been talked right into the ground. Ridiculously so. Mostly because we had to have everybody add their two cents:

the truth tellers (people who see things exactly as they have been presented)
the soothers (everything will be just fine, wait and see)
the peer group (I feel just like you; you''re right)
the net nannies (why do you want to be ugly to the OP? You''re jealous, petty, and hateful)
the voices of reason (staying above the fray and remaining calm no matter what)
the hijackers (for some reason, it always becomes about them)
the sunnysides (Skippy and Company)

I''m sure we all recognize which category we fall into. Perhaps next time we post we will give it some thought before we blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. And let''s let the OP jump to their own defense please, and stop criticizing each other. My post is no more valid than yours and vice versa. Period. It matters not that you like or dislike what I have to say. Keep it to yourself and focus on the OP.

I have my own opinion about the OP''s situation. I think I''ll keep it to myself. I might offend someone.

I''ll agree with your observation to a point. It is assuming that everyone''s motives are genuine, though. While there are the truth tellers, there are also those that are just plain rude and they are motivated by making someone feel bad. My sister is this way. I''m seeing this a lot here lately. Also seeing truth is subjective. What one person sees as truth can be way off base in real life. Many folks who would consider themselves to be,"Telling it like it is" are just doing so to be contrary.

 

[partgypsy]

8 pages! I guess people are back from their vacations. And still no pics of the ring?

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/17/2008 9:11:35 PM
Author: HollyS
Galateia:


The truth tellers view the post exactly as the OP wrote it. Often the OP doesn''t realize she/he is posting in a manner that would lead others to believe certain things about them . . . they are projecting, perhaps not meaning to. The TT poster will latch onto words, phrases, tone, and decipher the OP''s post (right or wrong), but only by using just what the OP has posted. It is the truth as they read it; and they are not embellishing any point. I''m a TT poster. I take what someone says at face value if they''ve written it. We TTs assume that the first post, especially when someone is ''wrought up'', is usually quite revealing as to the real issues.


I''ve seen many a thread where the OP backtracked after reading how others deciphered her original post. That''s why the TT posters always quote the first post or lead the OP back to key points she made.


It is usually not our intention to be unkind; even if we feel the OP could use a little reality check.





(I like that smiley graphic.

)

I like it too. Apparently I like it so much that I''m picking the stick back up, dang.

The thing is, I have consistently seen people latch on to words and phrases that propel their own agenda. It is too easy to misinterpret the tone of an internet post, which is why I now prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt and ask questions rather than making assumptions.

Do you remember the thread where the girl and her fiance were in huge amounts of debt but had upgraded her ring (on credit!) 3 times within a year, and came on here looking for support after she''d been roasted alive by a Christian board? The situation ended up being very different (and much worse) than the details in the OP would lead one to believe.

I agree with what Miranda said: "While there are the truth tellers, there are also those that are just plain rude and they are motivated by making someone feel bad. My sister is this way. I''m seeing this a lot here lately. Also seeing truth is subjective. What one person sees as truth can be way off base in real life. "

Most of the internet is full of people who are emboldened by the anonymity into abandoning the common courtesy they would otherwise use in face-to-face interactions, and justify being rude as ''being honest''. I used to be like that myself. I still find mincing my words in each post to be an effort. But PS is a unique environment where that rampant ''internet culture'' habit is not encouraged, and if it means that I have to swing over to the ''net nanny'' side, which I seem to have found myself lately after being continually drop-jawed at the outrageousness I have seen on this board recently, then so be it.

Oy. It''s quite ironic that I would ever be in the position of reproaching people for being rude, seeing as I''ve been verbally spanked a few times for not watching my words in my days on PS. Specifically, I was also told that whenever I post, I should take a moment to think about how my post could be perceived by others, and find a tactful way of stating my opinion.

 

[purrfectpear]

I''m always amused when posters fall back on the "must be hiding behind the anonymity of the internet" crap. I guess you really believe that or you wouldn''t be saying it, but speaking only for myself, I am exactly the same IRL as I am on the net.

Not to disallusion you too much, but I don''t pay any attention to the chastisement by the ''net nannies'', nor do I plan learn some manners (by someone else''s definition) nor wander away from the forum. I''m 100% comfortable with myself just as I am. I regret that you don''t approve, but I live for me...and you should live for you.

We have mods to moderate.

 

[Imdanny]

Date: 7/17/2008 1:24:54 PM
Author: surfgirl
Assuming it's a pretty stone, let it go and go back to loving it.

I didn't want to let this wisdom get lost in a long post. surfgirl nailed it.

Let it go. I've read your follow-up carefully (and thank you for being understanding

).

I'll tell you about his psychology. If the stone was slightly misrepresented on color, his ego doesn't need to know that! That will just hurt his pride.

I think that you should ENJOY YOUR RING!! It sounds like a beautiful ring and I know that we'd all like to see it!

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I''m jumping in late here as a the official representative of the collector category.

The first 3 diamonds I got were gifts. I loved them at the time and I still have them, but I knew I could have chosen better

- so - I marched into jewelry stores and bought myself rings that I liked. I wore them with the rings I had gotten as gifts - one on each hand.

Bottom line: As a collector, my advice is to buy yourself a stone that meets all of your standards and wear it as a right hand ring. Nobody''s feelings will get hurt and you''ll end up with a great collection.

 

[HollyS]

I''ve been in the shoes of purrfectpear on a few occasions. And while I have gone back to apologize to an OP for seeming harsh or rude, I never appreciated (or paid much attention to) the criticism from other PSers.

As much as we need to watch our civility to the original poster, let''s knock off the verbal hand slaps to each other. It doesn''t stop behavior you don''t like, and it often escalates into page after page of ''forum table tennis''. As this post has.

I''m finished with my own soapbox. Anybody else?

 

[meresal]

I haven''t had much to offer to this thread either, so I haven''t...

But I''m in agreement with many posts before, that I would much like to see pics of this ring. It really does sound beautiful. Can we see some OP???

 

[Elegant]

I don''t understand why we haven''t been shown any pictures or why prettycushion hasn''t acknowledged any of the requests to see it...and I have to second another poster on here:

I think we would like some evidence please...

 

[girlie-girl]

Date: 7/17/2008 1:06:47 PM
Author: prettycushion
And I absolutely PROMISE to post pics as soon as I have this figured out a little better. ok?

I guess she needs more time before she''s comfy sharing pics...

 

[meresal]

got it. thanks!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/18/2008 1:07:07 PM
Author: HollyS
I've been in the shoes of purrfectpear on a few occasions. And while I have gone back to apologize to an OP for seeming harsh or rude, I never appreciated (or paid much attention to) the criticism from other PSers.

As much as we need to watch our civility to the original poster, let's knock off the verbal hand slaps to each other. It doesn't stop behavior you don't like, and it often escalates into page after page of 'forum table tennis'. As this post has.

I'm finished with my own soapbox. Anybody else?

LOL Holly...

Sorry gally...if we're talking about not stopping behavior, then I don't think it's fair to ask anyone to stop verbal hand slapping. I call it like I see it, much like yourself. I am all for bluntness and many times brutal honesty. But once in a while I may pipe in when someone borders on mean. I don't believe MOST PSers *intend* to come across that way...but I have always said perception is more important than intention.

I've been handslapped more than once on PS. I *do* pay attention to it because, as in real life, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings when I didn't mean to. I'm a pretty "principle" oriented person...sometimes at the expense of people's feelings and you know what? I just don't always think that is right. I have a pretty thick skin, but I can get hurt like the next person and I would hate for someone to disregard my feelings just to get their point across. Of course, I'm talking IRL here...on the Internet I don't ever think I've gotten my feelings hurt...but some people do, and it's just the way it is.

You want your soapbox back?

ETA, I blame this all on the child. The Tot has mellowed me. It's awful.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 7/18/2008 3:21:20 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 7/18/2008 1:07:07 PM
Author: HollyS
I've been in the shoes of purrfectpear on a few occasions. And while I have gone back to apologize to an OP for seeming harsh or rude, I never appreciated (or paid much attention to) the criticism from other PSers.

As much as we need to watch our civility to the original poster, let's knock off the verbal hand slaps to each other. It doesn't stop behavior you don't like, and it often escalates into page after page of 'forum table tennis'. As this post has.

I'm finished with my own soapbox. Anybody else?

LOL Holly...

Sorry gally...if we're talking about not stopping behavior, then I don't think it's fair to ask anyone to stop verbal hand slapping. I call it like I see it, much like yourself. I am all for bluntness and many times brutal honesty. But once in a while I may pipe in when someone borders on mean. I don't believe MOST PSers *intend* to come across that way...but I have always said perception is more important than intention.

I've been handslapped more than once on PS. I *do* pay attention to it because, as in real life, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings when I didn't mean to. I'm a pretty 'principle' oriented person...sometimes at the expense of people's feelings and you know what? I just don't always think that is right. I have a pretty thick skin, but I can get hurt like the next person and I would hate for someone to disregard my feelings just to get their point across. Of course, I'm talking IRL here...on the Internet I don't ever think I've gotten my feelings hurt...but some people do, and it's just the way it is.

You want your soapbox back?

ETA, I blame this all on the child. The Tot has mellowed me. It's awful.

Yup. Ditto.

ETA: Also, I'm not sure where the thought came from that you are only being truthful if you are being harsh. I'm not *usually* harsh, but, I am always honest.

 

[beebrisk]

Date: 7/16/2008 2:15:19 PM
Author: customcushion
As a man who just bought his lovely FI a very nice ring, which was much nicer than she expected, I have to say it sounds awful to complain about a *2 carat* diamond.


If my FI ever made some remark that ''it better be this big'' or ''this colour'' etc., as opposed to being so grateful and excited to receive a ring, and all it symbolizes, no matter the material stats of it (size, clarity etc), I would rething whether she was right for me.


I hope your FI doesn''t read PS

Ditto.
Thritto
and
Quadritto

Frankly, if I were your FI and I read this post I''d trade that car in for a newer and more expensive model--tomorrow.
Right after I traded in the ring AND the girlfriend.

 

[Imdanny]

Date: 7/17/2008 9:11:35 PM
Author: HollyS
Galateia:


The truth tellers view the post exactly as the OP wrote it. Often the OP doesn't realize she/he is posting in a manner that would lead others to believe certain things about them . . . they are projecting, perhaps not meaning to. The TT poster will latch onto words, phrases, tone, and decipher the OP's post (right or wrong), but only by using just what the OP has posted. It is the truth as they read it; and they are not embellishing any point. I'm a TT poster. I take what someone says at face value if they've written it. We TTs assume that the first post, especially when someone is 'wrought up', is usually quite revealing as to the real issues.


I've seen many a thread where the OP backtracked after reading how others deciphered her original post. That's why the TT posters always quote the first post or lead the OP back to key points she made.


It is usually not our intention to be unkind; even if we feel the OP could use a little reality check.





(I like that smiley graphic.

)

Even the OP *didn't* get offended by the comments made. I personally didn't appreciate the comments (on more than one forum) about the newcomers and how they are "nasty." That's just rude in itself. First of all, there are moderators at this forum and they're very strict. Second, this isn't a private club-- it's a public forum. And public forums need to grow- or they stagnate and die. The OP *did not* say "oh gee, do you think I should go lower in color to higher in clarity?". She did not need or ask for that kind of advice. Her post *was* asking about an interpersonal situation. The one time I've been warned by moderators was an admonition not to post my opinions about posters but to report posts if I believed they were a problem. So I wrote back to the moderators, "thanks for letting me know." Easy. Not everyone is going to speak the way you want them to speak. You can't write other people's posts for them. If you think a post is a personal attack, report it. Posts that don't/ can't say anything other than "all supportive and all fluffy bunny rabbits and moonbeams all the time" don't do much for me either. OP, please post pictures of your ring in "show me the ring." Let us have an opinion about whether it's "yellow." SEEING would let us make our own judgment about whether it MIGHT be K or J (I'm not sure why your finance didn't TELL you what it was but we're beating a dead horse at this point). Again, I appreciate your understanding and maturity and wish you the best. Sorry for the rant but some of us are new and are doing our best.

 

[Haven]

What? I go on an eleven-day honeymoon and I miss this thread AND Missy26''s?

Anyway . . . prettycushion, I''m happy to hear that you''re sorting out the issues you had with your stone. And I can''t resist joining in the chorus of pleas to see pictures. Pretty please, prettycushion?

 

[customcushion]

I''d trade that car in for a newer and more expensive model--tomorrow.

Right after I traded in the ring

''Turbo'' has a nice ring to it, don''t you think

?

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 7/17/2008 12:53:06 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
yeah but.....she wasn't color sensitive until somebody at the jewelry store told her that it was a K/L stone.

OP, I would try not to resent your man for splurging on his car, and 'skimping' on your ring because in a man's head, cars and diamond rings are completely different things.

Did he buy the car recently? If not, it has nothing to do with your diamond purchase!

As for the colour issue (if the grading you got at the jewellery store has any credibility that is), he probably is not colour sensitive himself. Knowing men, he probably went with the best stone in the store [/i]on that day!!

Don't sweat the small stuff. Ask for another piece of diamond jewellery on your fifth wedding anniversary. If the engagement diamond happens to be returnable / upgradeable - and you're still sore, why not consider changing it for a higher colour when the time comes?
It's undoubtedly a massive, beautiful stone!

 

[Imdanny]

What?! We haven''t seen it yet?

 

[Imdanny]

Ok, now I'm starting to think the post might not be real or at the very least that we're not going to get to see the ring! Dang. I'd like to see a 2.5 ct cushion with excellent clarity and some color. It sounds great to me.

Oh well.

 

[meresal]

Date: 7/18/2008 1:34:25 PM
Author: girlie-girl

Date: 7/17/2008 1:06:47 PM
Author: prettycushion
And I absolutely PROMISE to post pics as soon as I have this figured out a little better. ok?

Imdanny: This is what she posted last week. We''re just waiting. She has been back to comment a few times though.

 

[Imdanny]

Fair enough!

 

[starsapphire]

Hi, I don''t know if anyone has mentioned this yet, but, if you get the ring insured, you would need the cert., right? A perfect excuse to see the cert, without making him feel bad.

 

[AprilBaby]

Well, I am REALLY late and I have NO COMMENT other than WHERE IS THE RING?????

 

[winternight]

OP I didn''t read the whole thread because it just got a little too rude for me but if I were you I''d talk to your fiance and just tell him that you''re not happy with the color of the ring and that color is important. But I think it is completely reasonable to expect a man who earns a high income to spend a reasonable amount on an engagement ring. Actually I went through this with my fiance he took me to Tiffany''s and had NO idea how much rings there cost. Getting a 1 ct. was important to me, and frankly after trying on the Tiffany ring I wanted that. We talked about it and he agreed to spend the money. Then I found the ring on signedpieces and saved a bundle, but still my point is we communicated and he agreed. Asking for the ring was reasonable in my mind given his income and savings although the big difference between my fiance and yours is that mine doesn''t spend huge money like that on himself, no fancy car. He does buy all of his clothes from Saks, and Thomas Pink though so obviously image is important to both of them. Maybe you''re just feeling nervous about getting married. Have you two talked about finaces and how things will be once you''re married? We''re going to have joint accounts and the same amount of spending money each month despite our salary differences. And before a bunch of people freak out and call me a gold digger my fiance and I are both attorneys doing quite well financially. And no I haven''t bought him anything as expensive as my ring but honestly he doesn''t want anything that expensive.