Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Talking to the Parents

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

WalnutCrunch

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 21, 2003
Messages
48
It might be a little late to help me as I''m hoping to head over there tonight.

So is there a guide somewhere about how to approach the girlfriend''s parents before the proposal? I don''t plan on asking for "permission"; I''d like to be somewhere between "asking for permission" and "informing them".

What do I say? What do I ask? I don''t even know how to phrase the question. Should I even make it a question so that they have NO as an option?

Some people ask for their "blessing". How does that work? Do we have to be religious?

I can''t believe there''s all sorts of info around on diamonds and rings and proposals, but this step in the process isn''t talked about too much.

Somebody should write a book.


Do all guys (those who feel the need to talk to the parents, anyway) go thru this or am I the only one who has no clue how this works?

Thanks,
WC
 

Iceman

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 25, 2000
Messages
1,374
Its a must thing to do if you want to score major points with the parents and your girlfriend
Also if you dont you will pay for it the rest of your life


There is no easy way to do it. Just do it.

You corner them off and ask them. Not like on TV where they have a big dinner and you stand up and annouce it ? Shocks everybody . The right way is to talk to them without her around. Best of Luck.
 

twinkly

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 17, 2003
Messages
34
Hi there,

Asking the parents is an old tradition and it will definitely be good in the long run. I would suggest you open up with telling her parents how much you love her and then tell them that you are planning to prospose and would like their blessings. This way you are not asking for permission but only asking for their blessings. I personally don't think blessings is a religious thing at all. It also depends on how close you are with the parents because you may want to take them out for a nice dinner. If not, then maybe bring a small gift for them. Hope this helps and good luck!
 

WalnutCrunch

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 21, 2003
Messages
48
----------------
If not, then maybe bring a small gift for them.
----------------
I'll be giving them a bottle of wine. I'll make sure they're well into their second glass before we get started.
 

Iceman

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 25, 2000
Messages
1,374
Be careful that bottle of wine could be a weapon if they don't like you
Just joke'n


Best of luck, I would like to hear about it.
 

WalnutCrunch

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 21, 2003
Messages
48
It was all pretty much a blur. But I did it! They didn't say no and welcomed me into the family. Should be nothing but fun planning the proposal now. Thanks everyone for your help.

BTW, here's sort of a speech that a friend of mine sent off to me (she either made it up or got it from somewhere). I didn't use it (well I pretty much summarized it in 2 sentences, I'm not much of a talker
). If anyone else is in the same situation, feel free to use it to get started. I know it's hard to find this kinda stuff on the Net. Someone's got to write a book!

i love your daughter very much, and would like to spend the rest of my life with her... and try to make her life just as happy as she has made mine...for the rest of our lives....and that you know your daughter respects both of you and would like your approval...which is why i want to know that i have your blessings before i ask her to marry me... it would mean a lot to her...
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
I just wanted to add my two cents on asking the parents. It's great if that is what you are interested in doing, but no one should feel obligated to ask the parents for their daughter's hand. It's not a MUST and it depends on the relationship between the girl and the family, the guy and the family, etc. Also, it depends on how independent the girl is. I am 28 and have lived out of the house since I was 17 when I went to college. So I never expected my guy to ask my parents anything...it would have been slightly cute and sappy if he did, but I in no way had any illusions he would. I am also very close to my family, and we see them all the time. Also they knew we were looking at rings, etc. But some of my girlfriends say 'oh he would HAVE to ask my dad'. Everyone is different, everyone's relationship with their parents is different. My guy wanted to setup a lunch with him and my dad after the proposal to just have a guy-to-guy chat...but it was more to continue to establish a relationship with my father separate from the family relationship.

So I just wanted to add a different perspective for the guy who may be already stressing out about the proposal and the ring, and is thinking...wow I have to do this really stressful thing AND ask the parents. Do it if you feel like you need it, and you want to do it and/or you feel as though the family would appreciate the gesture. It's not required for a successful wedding or marriage, and it really depends on all those involved.

My two cents...
 

Learning Diamonds

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 12, 2003
Messages
12
What do you think I should do, considering the parents are divorced, and are obviously living apart? I have already planned on talking to her dad, but what about her mom?? The only thing I'd be afraid of, is her mom would be more likely to somehow, accidentally tipping it off!!

Should I tell my parents first?????

I shure never thought about this aspect of it all!! I have been pretty much doing the ring shopping under double secret lock down!! My parents, and even my girlfriend didn't know a thing!

Help!!!!!
 

cowboystu

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2003
Messages
111
I not only have to ask the parents, but 2 siblings as well...

Thanks to the modern family, she was "raised" for a year or so by a much older sister while her mom took a job in another city (the dad was already out of the picture). So then that just leaves one older brother out, so she suggested that it's all or nothing.

Now that's what I call intimidation.

At first I wanted to do a dinner w/ them...then I realized that they will know exactly what I am doing when I set them up. So maybe just tell them one at a time, then go to dinner to "build the relationship." I just can't wait till the proposal is done...then she gets to share in all the difficult decisions/planning.


Stu
 

nervous_barley

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 31, 2004
Messages
2
Okay..new to the board here, actually I normally dont mess with message boards all that much but here goes...I have purchased the ring I want to give to the girl I plan to propse to and have set up the proposal and all and now I am planning to go speak to her parents tomorrow evening...If anyone has anything they can say or contribute to how to go about doing this I would appreciate it
 

Nicrez

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 21, 2004
Messages
3,230
Honesty is the best policy. That said, how about something as simple as:

"Mr/Mrs. McNally, Sally and I have been dating for ___years/months now (as you may know...maybe they don't.) and I have come to love your daughter very much.

She is one of the smartest, and sweetest women I have ever met, and I would very much like to ask her hand in marraige. She and I have discuss this, but I would like to keep it a surprise before I ask her this week...

I come to you before I ask her, so that I can receive your blessing for this. I believe that a parent(s) who has done such an excellent job of raising her, would bless our marraige twice as much if you agreed. Will you give us your blessing?"


GOOD LUCK! and all the bets to you both. Remember to be calm, confident, respectful and humble, yet strong in your conviction to be with their daughter. Also, SMILE!!!
 

Daniela

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 2, 2003
Messages
703
Maybe it's because I'm Canadian, but shouldn't this whole "ask the parents" thing have gone out of style with "Leave it to Beaver"? Honestly, if the parents said no, wouldn't you just go ahead and marry her anyway? You can argue that it's cute and romantic or whatever, but I even find that a little bit questionable, too. I mean, what exactly is romantic about it? Just my 2 cents.

I don't know anyway who does this anymore. Furthermore, if my fiance spoke to my parents about our engagement before he spoke to me, I would just have found that to be ridiculous. I mean, who's making the decision to get married here, me or my parents? Therefore I should be the one who's in the know, so to speak.

Again, maybe it's a cultural thing, but if my man had talked to my dad and asked for his blessing, I would have found that really strange.

That said, if you insist on doing it, then I guess being up front and casual about it would be the best way. As in, "Hey, I love you daughter, she loves me, I don't enter into this lightly, and I want more than anything to marry her. Just thought you would like to be one of the first to know."

Daniela
 

Nicrez

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 21, 2004
Messages
3,230
Daniela, some things serve a purpose, some things are ceremonial. Blessings are NOT necessary but ceremonial.

If your guy said, sorry a diamond ring isn't necessary, and neither is officially asking you, let;s just agree to get married, find a justice of the Peace and be done, no wedding ring, nothing. Would that be OK? SURE, but when you lose ceremony, the grandeur and charm sort of tends to fall into the practical and dull...


Just my $.02...Let some things survive. We all lose so much of our courtesies and manners, tha it would be nice to be acknowledged and consulted as a parent one day by the person who is to take away my baby forever. Knowing me, she'll be spoiled and love diamonds like mommy!!!
 

dbgaap

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 12, 2004
Messages
943
Hmmm, modern day families.....


My Diva Daughter probably would appeciate some sort of gesture from my intended but I am afraid she would say No! She's my one & only and she isn't wild about giving up her monopoly over me.


It's a good man that can take me & daughter as a package, I must say.


She goes off to college in 6 months so we are tip-toeing around her a bit.


She must be somewhat supportive, though, because she gave me a gag gift for my birthday.


It was a toy wedding kit, complete with glitter lotion, a pearl bracelet and diamond ring.


I wore the bracelet and diamond ring all day.


My little 2-year-old niece couldn't keep her hands off my toy ring so I gave it to her.


See how early it starts?


We blame DeBeers' marketing, but it might be inherited.
 

Nicrez

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 21, 2004
Messages
3,230
No, I think some scientist have found out it's genetic. It comes in both X and Y chromosomes... Also Price Scope and living near Jewelers causes the dormant disease to take hold and proliferate, taking over the vital organ, the wallet.

It's very deadly to Budgets, so some hospitals have cautioned that people get tested with CZ before entering society and infecting others, as it is HIGHLY contagious!
 

sumi

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 6, 2004
Messages
565
I think talking to the parents really depends on each relationship. I KNOW that my husband did not think to consult my parents before proposing to me. He's not in to that kind of old fashioned stuff. ("old fashioned" is not used in any derogatory way here!) However, even if my husband had asked my parents for permission/blessing to marry me, I know for sure that my Dad would have thought that he was strange. He's from the midwest, but he's pretty progressive and he's always stressed that it's my life and I need to make my own decisions (of course he's available for guidance and advice). I actually think that it would have left a bad impression in my family if my husband had gone that route. At any rate, we were living together for so long before the engagement that nobody was really surprised to see us married.

I would not have appreciated it if my husband consulted my parents before asking me. Then again, this is coming from someone who wasn't given away by anyone, didn't walk down the aisle, CERTAINLY did not toss any bouquet, and did not wear a veil or a traditional wedding dress. Also, my husband is the type that said he was happy that I chose to keep my maiden name. He admires the fact that I never changed my name. He actually prefers it that way.



HOWEVER, I do respect the fact that each relationship is different and that not everyone has the same ideals. I'm sure that a lot of people feel that it's really important to ask for the blessing of the parents before proposing and I totally respect that. I'm sure it takes a lot of guts for a guy to approach his girlfriend's parents. I can imagine that it's pretty nerve racking.
 

sparklyandsquare

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 30, 2004
Messages
37
fyi, I have a poll going in the "Proposal Ideas" forum regarding whether or not to ask for parents' permission/blessing. I had to stick my $.02, though regarding:

------------------------------------------------
Its a must thing to do if you want to score major points with the parents and your girlfriend
------------------------------------------------

Please remember that scoring major points with the parents is not always scoring major points with the girlfriend. Also, I guess you'll prove 1) how well you know your girlfriend and her family and 2) if they disagree about this, whose opinion you should be more concerned with.

Some women consider asking their father/mother/parents essential-they believe it shows respect for the family and you would "score points" with them.

Some women (like me) would be pretty offended that her future was being discussed with her parents, particularly if it's only her father, before that future was discussed with her.

I'm not anti-tradition in general...I *DO* plan to wear a big white dress, veil, big wedding, etc. But this is one tradition I have serious problems with because of its symbolism/historical purpose. I don't like the symbolism of two men discussing my future as though I have no choice in the matter because historically this was much the case.

I found this explanation on www.digitalhistory.uh.edu:

------------------------------------------------
"In seventeenth and early eighteenth century New England, courtship was not simply a personal, private matter. The law gave parents "the care and power...for the disposing of their Children in Marriage" and it was expected that they would take an active role overseeing their child's choice of a spouse. A father in Puritan New England had a legal right to determine which men would be allowed to court his daughters and a legal responsibility to give or withhold his consent from a child's marriage. A young man who courted a woman without her father's permission might be sued for inveigling the woman's affections.

Parental involvement in courtship was expected because marriage was not merely an emotional relationship between individuals but also a property arrangement among families. A young man was expected to bring land or some other form of property to a marriage while a young woman was expected to bring a dowry worth about half as much."
------------------------------------------------

The "property arrangement" in particular bothers me--women historically being treated as propety for their father and suitor to barter over equals bad symbolism to me.

Anyhow, enough history...my point is that guys shouldn't assume their girlfriends (or even her family) will want them to follow this tradition. If you can't tell for sure, casually bring it up sometime (NOT the week you're going to propose unless you don't want it to be a surprise!)

For those who like the family inclusion regardless of the history, I definitely suggest involving both parents...not just the father. Many modern mothers may feel slighted if they aren't as equally involved/approached as their husband.

Modern society definitely makes all of this matrimony stuff challenging...what traditions make sense, what to dismiss, etc. I think whatever makes you and your significant other most comfortable is what you should follow.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    A 1.7ct Upgrade For A 17th Anniversary
    A 1.7ct Upgrade For A 17th Anniversary
    A Classic Solitaire
    A Classic Solitaire
    August Birthstones: Peridot And Sardonyx
    August Birthstones: Peridot And Sardonyx

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top