Talk me off the cliff (not literally)

[azstonie]

Stephanie, if a mom is put in a position to question the fidelity of her husband, this puts the home in a position of instability. Instability is harmful to children, who are at the mercy.

Your husband was screwing with your head with his comments when you raised the topic re the coworker, how is that supportive of the marriage and the family? He could have said "Stephanie, I am so sorry and I'm shutting this down immediately, no more texts and no socializing outside work. It wasn't my intention to give her the impression that I was available. I caused this and I will end it." Nope, he did what guilty people do: He threw it back on you. I have seen people at work act like they are single, we all have. My husband has never received texts from female coworkers outside work. He has never gotten personal enough with female coworkers to suggest double dating. My ex-husband got texts from the RN he worked with, phone calls on weekends, he knew all about her dissatisfaction with her husband, and he really wanted all of us to socialize on weekends. He is my ex husband. I'm not suggesting you should split up, btw.

You've said he gets mad----that affects the atmosphere of your children's home. Enough of that atmosphere of walking on eggshells, not knowing what you can count on from your parents, and you've got a chronic traumatic environment. You may have dulled yourself to it as a way to cope with his anger, but your kids...

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Stephanie, if a mom is put in a position to question the fidelity of her husband, this puts the home in a position of instability. Instability is harmful to children, who are at the mercy.

Your husband was screwing with your head with his comments when you raised the topic re the coworker, how is that supportive of the marriage and the family? He could have said "Stephanie, I am so sorry and I'm shutting this down immediately, no more texts and no socializing outside work. It wasn't my intention to give her the impression that I was available. I caused this and I will end it." Nope, he did what guilty people do: He threw it back on you. I have seen people at work act like they are single, we all have. My husband has never received texts from female coworkers outside work. He has never gotten personal enough with female coworkers to suggest double dating. My ex-husband got texts from the RN he worked with, phone calls on weekends, he knew all about her dissatisfaction with her husband, and he really wanted all of us to socialize on weekends. He is my ex husband. I'm not suggesting you should split up, btw.

You've said he gets mad----that affects the atmosphere of your children's home. Enough of that atmosphere of walking on eggshells, not knowing what you can count on from your parents, and you've got a chronic traumatic environment. You may have dulled yourself to it as a way to cope with his anger, but your kids...

Okay, that is enough. We can agree to disagree. He does not text her at all, this came up in conversation as they were sitting in the office working on a project together. He wasn't suggesting double dating either unless bringing children along is acceptable for dating nowadays? Oh and a dog to boot.

Our kids are stable, if they weren't then I wouldn't be here, my kids are always my priority. They know they can come to either one of us at anytime. Our home is not some volatile environment, we have disagreements and we bicker but that is about it. I have not dulled myself either. People get mad, I've gotten mad and there are apologies and changed behaviors as a result and our kids learn that people can resolve disagreements.

Say what you want about my husband but my kids are off limits.

 

[katharath]

This reminds me of a situation I was in about 10 years ago.

I posted on an old board that I used to frequent. I was 8.5 months pregnant and throwing a birthday party for my older son, who was turning three. I was recently estranged from my sister, per my choice. It was recent at the time, but has been a permanent thing lasting ten years now, and it was what I felt was best - my sister is not someone I can have a relationship with. At the time, she was threatening to "crash" my 3 yr old's bday party because she was so angry that she wasn't invited. She was calling our parents and railing about her plans to ruin it, etc - saying I couldn't "keep her" from "her" nephew (whom she had spent so little time with that at 3, he had no idea who she was ). It was an awful lot of blustering, threats, and drama on her part. The party was at a public place, so if she decided to come, there wasn't much I could do.

So I posted to my board to ask advice.

One of the posters there actually came up with the idea that my husband was likely having an affair with my sister. She posted that to me. It was the least helpful and least relevant thing I've ever had directed at me online. It was utterly absurd, and if you knew my DH you would never, ever even consider the idea. But somehow, she read into my posts something that was never even remotely hinted at or imagined by me.

The point of all of this? Just to say that when you ask advice online, be prepared for anything - and take what is helpful, while leaving the rest. People will post things that really don't apply to your situation. They are often replying simply based off of their own experiences. Sometimes that will be helpful to you and sometimes not. Only you know your situation!!! Hugs and good luck.

 

[Scandinavian]

Perhaps it would be good if you do someting for you? Please please take this the right way, but I think you might be a little focused on your children? I do not mean this as criticism, more like you deserve to focus a bit more on you. How about joining a gym? Getting a personal trainer there a few times to get started? And maybe a hobby outside you home? I don't know what you like, but perhaps animal rescue or voluntary work at a non profit vet clinic or something? Or a get a job just for a few hours a week? Oh, and take your family with you to church

If your DH is having some issues, you focusing on you, plus some family activities, might wake him up. Either way, it can't hurt

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Katharath, I am so sorry for what you went through with your sister. Isn't it crazy how dramatic a simple birthday party for a child can get? I realize that when you put information out there, people are going to take their own experiences into account when they reply. Thankfully most posters have been very supportive with their replies (yours included) even if they still think my husband is having an affair, they aren't attacking me for just letting things ride. Plus with the information I have right now I don't believe there is anything significant, some may think I have my head in the sand, I am choosing to trust and believe him.

Scandinavian, thanks for your reply, lots of good suggestions there and you are on to something because I really don't do much for myself and the result can be burnt out mommy! As far as church, that's like my "me" time because between service and the driving there and back it's a three hour journey. Plus my kids don't want to go, so I use it as time away for myself. The gym is a great suggestion, I'm going to look into that and what our recreation department may offer because they have some great programs.

 

[missy]

Stephanie, I am so sorry you are going through this honey and I love Scandi's suggestion.

Sometimes our loved ones may take us for granted and that is not a good recipe for a happy relationship. Doing something/more things for yourself and getting out there and enjoying friends and activities without your dh and making yourself less available to his every want can be a very healthy thing for your relationship. Working on yourself and your happiness independent of him can only be a good move.

Sending you lots of good wishes and hugs and hoping your dh realizes how wonderful you are and how lucky he is to have you and that he starts appreciating you very soon. (((HUGS))).

 

[momhappy]

Katharath, I am so sorry for what you went through with your sister. Isn't it crazy how dramatic a simple birthday party for a child can get? I realize that when you put information out there, people are going to take their own experiences into account when they reply. Thankfully most posters have been very supportive with their replies (yours included) even if they still think my husband is having an affair, they aren't attacking me for just letting things ride. Plus with the information I have right now I don't believe there is anything significant, some may think I have my head in the sand, I am choosing to trust and believe him.

Scandinavian, thanks for your reply, lots of good suggestions there and you are on to something because I really don't do much for myself and the result can be burnt out mommy! As far as church, that's like my "me" time because between service and the driving there and back it's a three hour journey. Plus my kids don't want to go, so I use it as time away for myself. The gym is a great suggestion, I'm going to look into that and what our recreation department may offer because they have some great programs.

I don't necessarily think you have your head in the sand and there's absolutely nothing wrong with trusting your husband.
I would encourage you to keep your eyes and ears open and follow your instincts. You can still do those things and be trusting at the same time. There's a reason why this woman made you feel uneasy, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it has to do with cheating. It could be related to other marital issues, but it manifested in a way that made you question the nature of his relationship with her.
I wish you all the best.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Missy, thank you for your kind words. I'm definitely going to do some self care. You always bring a positive vibe to even the darkest situation.

Momhappy, thank you for the encouragement, I think you are on to something, it really has been a perfect storm of circumstances. Thank you for the well wishes.

 

[sunseeker101]

Hi Stephanie, a few more words for you, just on the off-chance that they may have something to do with your situation. I think this link might be useful for anyone who finds themselves in a mysterious but somehow conflict-filled and dispiriting relationship.

http://www.manipulative-people.com/throwing-you-on-the-defensive-the-art-of-covert-aggression/

As I (and everyone else here) can perceive, you seem to have an excellent make of character. Conscientiousness and strength are two things that manipulative personalities are drawn to (as per the link). Anyway, I hope it's not relevant enough to help

 

[partgypsy]

I have not read the entire threads by you so I apologize if you are already doing these things.
The two main regrets I have regarding my marriage, is that when I was going through this troubling period (he pretty much cut me out of most everything, except for things with family only) I allowed myself to be isolated. I was probably semi-depressed and just focused on my job and my children. I should have been more assertive in if he was gone alot making a life outside, for there to be equitable time for me to have a life as well. And that would have helped me become less emotionally dependent on him which would have been healthy regardless if we stayed together or not. 2nd. I knew that our relationship had problems. He was acting towards me often, the way that my Dad acted towards my mother before they were divorced: critical, impatient, dismissive. We went to 1 couples counseling, but he kept stalling to go to another one, and finally said we could do stuff outside therapy to help the marriage. I agreed, but then we never did do stuff outside counseling. Maybe the therapy would have been too late, but the fact he refused to go to therapy, was in reality a big red flag. It was his way of telling me, he was not commited to the marriage or willing to work on it. If we continued to go I think the therapist would have realized something was up, and helped me realize it at the least, and maybe make my ex face it as well. I am NOT saying your situation was as bad as mine. I think developing outside interests, but at the same time spending weekly time to make the relationship stronger, is good for wherever someone is marriage-wise.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Aeolianarpa, thanks for posting that article, I have read throughly all the articles posters have shared and they are so helpful. Even if this is not the case now, at least I'm aware, more so than before. I was talking to my SIL last night and I was able to tell her that her ex-boyfriend had been gaslighting her, she had never heard of it. So by just reading that article someone shares I was able to make her aware as well as myself.

part_gypsy, I'm so sorry you had to go through that, I'm sure it was painful to go through that. I am overly dependent on my husband. I had a stroke when I was pregnant two years ago and although I only walked away with some vision loss, it did a number on my self esteem. I annoy as confident as I used to be because my memory fails a lot. Also,I don't work so I'm totally financially dependent on him and have no family of my own so his family is pretty much it. Yeah, lots of circumstances that don't help sometimes. Despite all that I have realized I just need to work on being someone other than a mother and wife and get some of my own interests outside of those roles. Thank you for sharing your experience, it is very helpful.