Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Talk me off the cliff (not literally)

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
5,926
I know I already posted today but I need advice and I realized there is nobody in my real life I can talk to about this.

If you have read some of my posts this year, you know my husband and I have had some problems, so that combined with this morning has me shaken up. My husband's job recently changed from being solo in a truck all day to working in an office. There is this one name that is coming up here and there in conversation....Jenna.....you see where I'm going here right?

She is young and has a boyfriend, I don't know much more. This morning he let me know when I texted him to say good morning and they were working together this morning so I take that as she is aware of our texts and my responses. He sends me this map and said Jenna said we could bring our dog there, maybe meet up with her and her boyfriend at some point. What is interesting about this there is a lake I drive to that is dog friendly, they can go off leash and everything. I went this past Sunday? It is an hour drive, he opted not to go and stayed home with the kids. So I asked him why he will consider this but won't come with me to the lake? He responded that it is a shorter drive and sounds like a shorter walk. So I respond with "okay". His next text is "holy green eyed monster batman, you seemed upset there for a minute". Then he asks me how I am doing today, like he is trying to feel me out.

He has a company phone so if he wanted to talk to someone he could totally do that and I would have no idea. He always says I can look at it or his personal phone anytime but he also deletes stuff off his phone regularly to keep space on it free, so he claims.

I'm having a serious physical reaction to this, shaking and I feel sick, I have never experienced this before so I don't know why I'm having this reaction.

Am I totally freaking out for no reason?
 

telephone89

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 29, 2014
Messages
3,816
We are always told to go with our gut, but I think you're in a sensitive place right now and *could* be overreacting.

First, he invited you along. That's a good sign! He didn't just go take the dog for a walk and happen to meet up with this work person.

Second, she's bringing her boyfriend. I mean, lots of people have dual cheating relationships (ie both partners cheating), but it's weird to let the partners meet. If they haven't met before, I think they usually try to keep them apart.

I'd absolutely go and meet up with them and see how things are. He could have a crush on her, which starts very innocent. Good to keep an eye on, but I wouldn't worry too much yet.

eta - I really don't like how he talked about the jealousy thing though. That bugs me.
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 12, 2005
Messages
17,757
Trust your intuition, sweetie.

You are probably not ready to hear this, but it's my honest opinion (and you know I have no qualms about giving mine out!): I think you deserve better than this guy. Write out a list of pros and cons about him and your relationship and see which column is longer. And there you'll have it.

I'm sorry. But if you even have to consult internet strangers about your marriage, I think you already know the answers.
 

lyra

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 13, 2007
Messages
4,918
You could try therapy, either for yourself to start, or for both of you if he's willing. I don't think anyone can talk you off the cliff. You've presented some pretty serious issues about your husband on here over the last year, so we're not getting a very rosy picture here, I'm sorry. Therapy for yourself might help you sort everything out and help you make good decisions for the future moving forward. It would give you a neutral perspective and help you see what you can change and what you cannot. Good luck.
 

ame

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 7, 2004
Messages
10,718
I dunno, if you're having a gut feeling, you might be right. Just because you're meeting her and her boyfriend does not mean something isn't up. She might not even KNOW something's up, but I know plenty of *******s that brought their secret girlfriends around their wives because it turned them on, it was dangerous. They knew it could go wrong, but they didn't care.

If you're having problems already, and you have serious suspicions and you know he has the means to try to hide it, he could well be.

I'd address it, and watch his mannerisms carefully.
 

mom2dolls

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2015
Messages
143
I never question my intuition. It has yet to fail me.
I agree with meeting at the lake and feel things out. You can see for yourself how they interact with each other.
I'm sorry you are going through all of this.
 

sunseeker101

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 27, 2009
Messages
414
Hi Stephanie, I'm very sorry to see you put in a position to feel like this. I think the reason you perceive this so badly is that it comes straight after you take issue with his angry outbursts like you really mean business, right? The whole 'I've got a friend who's a woman at work who wants to do things with me that I don't want to do with you' is basically calculated to take the confidence out of your sails, and make you feel uneasy and threatened. How can you stick to your guns about fairness and respect in the marriage (to an entitled aggressive man, if that's what your husband is, this is essentially a call to submit to you, something aggressive personalities will not do) if he's showing you that other women think he's great and close enough to develop a relationship with on purpose. I think it's an effort to control your feelings. I don't think it's a coincidence anyway.

This could be a good moment to step back and look at how your feelings are moving, and what is moving them. You'll likely find a whole line of feelings that you can link directly to the inexplicable things he's said and done. This is good for recovering your sense of security. If you can spot an emotional manipulator at work, you can block him. I hope I'm wrong -- but give yourself some space and peace to think about the whole picture between his behavior and your response -- and what he stands to gain with his moves.


ETA: I wouldn't go to the park -- it just plays into his game of making you worry in a way you can't resolve. I.e. they sure look to be all friendly, and there's just enough eye contact and feelgood gesturing that your worry is stirred. When you speak up, hey you're just a paranoid and insecure wreck of a woman, so you should feel threatened -- just look at the competition! I'd recommend tuning out the whole concept and talking whatever banal rubbish it takes to refuse without any feeling whatsoever. Gray rock, that's the trick. In the meantime work on calibrating your intuit-ometer so that you can get to the bottom of what ails you.

Okay, I hope that helps.
 

distracts

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 11, 2011
Messages
5,495
Uh.... that would upset me too... That he 1) already accused you of being jealous and 2) deletes stuff from his phone regularly are two huge red flags. Even if he's not cheating, it's clearly on his mind. I didn't read your other posts so I don't know what problems you've been having but just the things in this post would have me on alert.

I also agree with what Aeolianarpa said - whether he's cheating or not, this is an attempt at emotional manipulation.
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
5,926
Telephone, the whole park thing is weird because he knows I am not one to meet new people like that, I hardly know this person, they don't have kids themselves but we would have ours along. Just odd. The jealousy thing though I did address when he called me at lunch and I told him, why would I be jealous? Is it because you want me to be jealous because you like the attention? He replied no but I mean it is easy to like a little competition right? Yeah, that's not happening here so move along with that jealousy idea.

Monarch, always my voice of reason ;)) Do I deserve better? I don't know, everyone has their issues and we are committed to working through ours so far. I don't have enough to go on personally yet, as in I'm just not at that point yet, but I do have my ears up and eyes open. Part of the reason I have to turn to you guys is because everyone in my inner circle is connected to him in some way and I don't want him to catch any wind of this and possibly change behavior as a result if something is going on to cover his tracks. I also would hate for his family to know my business, they are a gossipy bunch.


Lyra, thanks for the therapy suggestion, he would go if I asked him to. I know he doesn't sound like a great guy from the thugs I've written, it paints him in a bad light certainly. I'm not proud of that because he isn't a bad guy but he has some real crap he has to work on.

Ame, it's so twisted to me that guys can get a kick out of that type of interaction. I did talk to him at lunch on the phone and I just said to him matter of fact that it's not that I think there is cheating going on but this is a new dynamic for him and it's very easy for a work relationship to become inappropriate and for people to become attached and to just be aware of it.

Mom2dolls, I ALWAYS trust the intuition but this year I think I'm a little more cautious because we have had so many issues come up so I am a bit more sensitive than I would be. I am not going to hang out with them though, I don't see the point because I think if something is going to happen I will find out eventually until then I'm taking a wait and see approach.

Aeolianarpa, I was nodding my head in agreement at that gray rock comment. First and foremost I just have no interest in hanging out with these people but apart from that in case this is some sort of game, I am not a player. I've already addressed the jealousy comment he made now I'm just going to let it ride and be totally aware of actions and conversations. It's almost as if that jealousy comment was to try and get me in the game so to speak and I shut that right down. Will definitely being looking inward though so I can get some emotional stability back.

Soxfan, I was literally just looking up gaslighting last night as I had seen it in an article but didn't know exactly what it was. Oh and I agree with you. I don't know whether it is intentional or not as his mother is dysfunctional as they come but I think if it is intentional he is starting to realize that I'm more aware than he thinks and not a player in the game of manipulation.

Distracts, I'm definitely at a disadvantage because if he wanted to given his job and access to a company phone, it would be very easy for him. I'm a big believer in everything done in the dark comes to the light at some point and I think it helps that I'm not ignorant, I have acknowledged this much before. All I can do is take care of me and the kids and be aware of his actions and not feed into the mind games.



I appreciate all your replies, I've calmed down a bit, deep breath, eyes open and moving ahead.
 

Puppmom

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 25, 2007
Messages
3,160
Stephanie, I'm sorry. :(( Two things - if it were me, I would trust my gut. I'm not a jealous person so if I had these inklings, it would alarm me. And I can see how it would be upsetting that he has a short fuse with you and is seemingly carefree with her.

And a look from the other side - I once worked very closely with a guy at work on a project for about 2 years. He got promoted and I took him out to lunch on his last day on my team. He decided on Thai food. When I got home I mentioned it to DH and he was so upset! Who is this person? Why would you go to lunch one on one with another man? And the topper for him was that we got Thai food - because I'm an extremely picky eater and have turned down DHs restaurant ideas in the past for that reason. At the time, I was thinking "Damn! What's the big deal?" - because it really was nothing to me or my coworker. And I was somewhat creeped out that DH thought it could be something else. We ended up talking it through and he just said it made him uncomfortable and I said I would not do it again and I didn't. Done deal.
 

ame

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 7, 2004
Messages
10,718
distracts|1479494320|4100281 said:
Uh.... that would upset me too... That he 1) already accused you of being jealous and 2) deletes stuff from his phone regularly are two huge red flags. Even if he's not cheating, it's clearly on his mind. I didn't read your other posts so I don't know what problems you've been having but just the things in this post would have me on alert.

I also agree with what Aeolianarpa said - whether he's cheating or not, this is an attempt at emotional manipulation.
This pretty well covers it.
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
Please, please, please trust your gut.
The one time I had something goofy like this happen with me, my gut was right (and I knew it right from the beginning).
I can understand why you'd be reacting so strongly. I would be too.
His comment about the green-eyed monster didn't sit right with me because he's deflecting and that stinks :nono:
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I would definitely keep a close eye on it. Try to keep calm (I know that's easier said than done), but you need to stay focused while you figure it out. Keep us posted.
 

NewEnglandLady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2007
Messages
6,299
I'd say this is a time to quietly snoop. I'd put something like FlexiSpy on his phone (so you know what he's texting). You could also try a voice-activated recorder in his car and a GPS unit to track his whereabouts. If something is going on, he's not going to tell you and it's better that you get real evidence so he can't gaslight. If nothing is going on, then after awhile tracking him will get boring and you won't feel the need to do it anymore.

ETA: the deleted texts are the biggest red flag to me. He who has nothing to hide hides nothing. Also, keep your ears peeled for the phrase "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". It's the biggest indication of an affair (gives them another point of reference).
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
5,926
NewEnglandLady|1479497250|4100301 said:
I'd say this is a time to quietly snoop. I'd put something like FlexiSpy on his phone (so you know what he's texting). You could also try a voice-activated recorder in his car and a GPS unit to track his whereabouts. If something is going on, he's not going to tell you and it's better that you get real evidence so he can't gaslight. If nothing is going on, then after awhile tracking him will get boring and you won't feel the need to do it anymore.

Thanks NewEnglandLady, I am a great detective usually but I'm at a disadvantage because I can't install anything on his company phone and he drives a company truck as well. If anything is going on it is strictly texting or during the day because he is always home at night and with me on the weekends. When I go to church on Sunday he is home with the kids. We only have one car and he can't take the kids in his company truck so I know he can't go anywhere.

I did check his personal cell phone history online this afternoon but found nothing of concern. I also now know her name and phone number so I know what to look for at least and she is on FB so I have a face to go with a name now.
 

NewEnglandLady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2007
Messages
6,299
StephanieLynn|1479497720|4100310 said:
NewEnglandLady|1479497250|4100301 said:
I'd say this is a time to quietly snoop. I'd put something like FlexiSpy on his phone (so you know what he's texting). You could also try a voice-activated recorder in his car and a GPS unit to track his whereabouts. If something is going on, he's not going to tell you and it's better that you get real evidence so he can't gaslight. If nothing is going on, then after awhile tracking him will get boring and you won't feel the need to do it anymore.

Thanks NewEnglandLady, I am a great detective usually but I'm at a disadvantage because I can't install anything on his company phone and he drives a company truck as well. If anything is going on it is strictly texting or during the day because he is always home at night and with me on the weekends. When I go to church on Sunday he is home with the kids. We only have one car and he can't take the kids in his company truck so I know he can't go anywhere.

I did check his personal cell phone history online this afternoon but found nothing of concern. I also now know her name and phone number so I know what to look for at least and she is on FB so I have a face to go with a name now.
I've seen dozens of cases where people have put tracking devices in or on company-owned vehicles. Does he drive a different truck every day or does he have a designated truck? It would be easy to stick a voice-activated recorder in it or put a GPS tracker on it (don't even need keys to get in it). If all else fails, you could hire a private investigator to tail him for a couple of days. That is usually very effective, but it gets expensive quickly so I'm not sure that is your best option unless you're more positive of the affair.
 

LLJsmom

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 24, 2012
Messages
9,259
Stephanie, I am so sorry you are going through this. Like everyone else, I would trust my intuition.

I would not accept this behavior. I would put down my foot, and say, "I don't like it. Don't further any more of the relationship with this woman other than what is strictly necessary at work. Yes, I am jealous and possessive of not just you but of our relationship, and our family. So stay away from this woman and any other woman."

I would not care if he has any feelings about this woman or not. It makes ME feel uncomfortable and that's what counts. At least that is what should count to him.

Is that not possible? I just read your thread about his anger issues. Can you be this forceful in your relationship? Maybe not. Is there any fear of reprisal if you are?
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
5,926
NewEnglandLady|1479498488|4100318 said:
StephanieLynn|1479497720|4100310 said:
NewEnglandLady|1479497250|4100301 said:
I'd say this is a time to quietly snoop. I'd put something like FlexiSpy on his phone (so you know what he's texting). You could also try a voice-activated recorder in his car and a GPS unit to track his whereabouts. If something is going on, he's not going to tell you and it's better that you get real evidence so he can't gaslight. If nothing is going on, then after awhile tracking him will get boring and you won't feel the need to do it anymore.

Thanks NewEnglandLady, I am a great detective usually but I'm at a disadvantage because I can't install anything on his company phone and he drives a company truck as well. If anything is going on it is strictly texting or during the day because he is always home at night and with me on the weekends. When I go to church on Sunday he is home with the kids. We only have one car and he can't take the kids in his company truck so I know he can't go anywhere.

I did check his personal cell phone history online this afternoon but found nothing of concern. I also now know her name and phone number so I know what to look for at least and she is on FB so I have a face to go with a name now.
I've seen dozens of cases where people have put tracking devices in or on company-owned vehicles. Does he drive a different truck every day or does he have a designated truck? It would be easy to stick a voice-activated recorder in it or put a GPS tracker on it (don't even need keys to get in it). If all else fails, you could hire a private investigator to tail him for a couple of days. That is usually very effective, but it gets expensive quickly so I'm not sure that is your best option unless you're more positive of the affair.
He does drive the same truck everyday BUT his time has to be accounted for throughout the day so he can't just leave whenever he wants, it would be near impossible with how they keep track of him if they were doing anything physical to get away with it during the day. Even at lunch he is always with a male co-worker. I'm not at the PI point yet, I'm going to get a hold of his company phone soon and see what if anything I can find. Although he does delete stuff off his phone, the phone and text records don't indicate anything suspicious on his personal cell so it's just the company phone then. I should also mention that he might not be in the office next year, that might be a moot point but he is likely going to be back in the truck or looking for another job.
 

iwantsparkle

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 25, 2016
Messages
306
Another vote for trusting your gut.

My ex-husband cheated with a co-worker. She was married, too. My ex was home every night. Never spent any money on her. Originally there was zero reason to think "he is cheating!"

Before I discovered the affair, I was invited to one of their work events where partners and spouses were included.
I will never forget that while I was there she walked up to me - really close - and sort of studied my face? I brushed it off at the time, but later I realized what.a.psycho.

All that to say, some women don't care if they are married or if "their man" is married.
I wouldn't let the fact that she is married sway me one way or the other for certain.

I know that my scenario is not necessarily your scenario. Not all men or relationships are the same. Thankfully!

But I think if you feel off about this you are right to investigate further. I would still check private cell phones. I would see if spending patterns are different. Is he, like, losing weight and buying new cologne or underwear? (Half kidding, but I would be looking closely at his behavior.)

It is possible there is nothing going on here. But no one would fault you for feeling the way you do.
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
5,926
LLJsmom, he has anger management issues but I don't feel threatened by him at all, he has never been violent towards me or the kids so I would be totally fine standing up for myself and that will be my next step but for now I'm going to drop it because if for some reason he is getting any satisfaction out of me being jealous then I don't want to feed the monster you know? Oh I am not a meek person, no way I stick up for myself when needed and I will not put up with his crap but I need to tread carefully since we have young kids, they are my first concern.
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
5,926
iwantsparkle|1479499245|4100327 said:
Another vote for trusting your gut.

My ex-husband cheated with a co-worker. She was married, too. My ex was home every night. Never spent any money on her. Originally there was zero reason to think "he is cheating!"

Before I discovered the affair, I was invited to one of their work events where partners and spouses were included.
I will never forget that while I was there she walked up to me - really close - and sort of studied my face? I brushed it off at the time, but later I realized what.a.psycho.

All that to say, some women don't care if they are married or if "their man" is married.
I wouldn't let the fact that she is married sway me one way or the other for certain.

I know that my scenario is not necessarily your scenario. Not all men or relationships are the same. Thankfully!

But I think if you feel off about this you are right to investigate further. I would still check private cell phones. I would see if spending patterns are different. Is he, like, losing weight and buying new cologne or underwear? (Half kidding, but I would be looking closely at his behavior.)

It is possible there is nothing going on here. But no one would fault you for feeling the way you do.

I'm sorry you had to go through that! She is actually not married, she has a boyfriend I guess. It's funny you mention weight etc because he has actually gained weight, no new cologne or underwear although that would be an improvement (joke).

Up until today I really didn't give it much thought but when he mentioned this walking the dogs thing I was like totally put off. Especially because he knows I have severe social anxiety, the last thing I want to do is go hang out with some ten year younger hot ticket and her boyfriend. No thanks!
 

LLJsmom

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 24, 2012
Messages
9,259
StephanieLynn|1479499363|4100329 said:
LLJsmom, he has anger management issues but I don't feel threatened by him at all, he has never been violent towards me or the kids so I would be totally fine standing up for myself and that will be my next step but for now I'm going to drop it because if for some reason he is getting any satisfaction out of me being jealous then I don't want to feed the monster you know? Oh I am not a meek person, no way I stick up for myself when needed and I will not put up with his crap but I need to tread carefully since we have young kids, they are my first concern.
Stephanie, of course you know your relationship best. Whatever is in the best interests of you and the children. I wish for the best outcome for you and your family. You seem like a mature, thoughtful, and dedicated mother and wife. I do hope that you will also take good care of yourself as well.
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 2, 2006
Messages
10,228
Just a thought. It's possible that their relationship isn't physical (or becoming physical), but more in the emotional realm. I.e., where he's sharing thoughts etc. with her that he should be sharing with you, his wife. Where he takes a special pleasure in being around her, and looks forward to seeing her every day as if she were a romantic partner, but it never strays into an actual physical affair. I think you might be able to tease that information out of him... or a skilled counselor would be able to do so... and if not, his responses to questions about what they do or talk about when they're together might tip you off. It's possible that he might be emotionally involved with someone and at the same time "honestly" - in his eyes, anyway - deny any sort of an affair.
 

azstonie

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 1, 2014
Messages
3,758
No need for detective work, you already know.

At best, its an emotional affair and they are enjoying the gaslighting of their spouses, which is complete bull$#it. At worst, its an affair in every respect.

Look, fark therapy for him---therapy doesn't 'change' the fundamental person you are, it increases self-awareness. Your husband is a philandering husband and a poor excuse for a father---as Chris Rock said, when you cheat on your wife you are cheating on your children. Because of the baggage this man has in addition to the lying philandering, your children are being raised in an abusive and unstable home (will it be Mean Daddy today? Or self-involved dad today? Or abusing-mom-Dad today?)

Re therapy, If anyone would benefit from some increased awareness now that would be you. You cannot change this man. But you can find out what you're doing with him and what kind of future you want for your children and yourself.

You are clearly a lovely person who is thoughtful and considerate and intelligent. I hope all this plays out to your benefit, and I hope you take control immediately. If you want to stay married to this guy, you could try what my friend did, which was she tossed his ass to the curb and told him she was taking 12 months to determine what she wanted; he could try to get her back, that would be up to him, but she was taking the full 12 months, including dating if she wanted to. He had to be out of the house within 12 hours or she was initiating divorce proceedings that day. He could visit the kids any time, she'd support him being a father 100%.
 

partgypsy

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 7, 2004
Messages
6,350
Since I found out my husband had an affair (that first started emotionally) with another mom I would see socially and school-wise, heck, I can believe anything. My ex also had an anger problem. You don't THINK it is affecting you, but it is just because you are becoming numb to it. That's not good either.
I never cared for her, I just thought that SHE had a crush on my husband, and my husband didn't like her. But it was truly creepy the games they each played with me in different ways to undermine me. She was super fake friendly to me, while trash talking about me behind my back especially to him, while if she came up he trash talked her, but at the same time was literally parroting the negative things she was saying about me. I still remember one time I was chatting with her about something (animals I think) and she said with a weird smile on her face "I'm not a nice person." Karma is a bitch and I hear from the grapevine she is getting it in spades. As they say in the south, Bless her heart.
 

liaerfbv

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 16, 2007
Messages
1,247
StephanieLynn|1479485148|4100215 said:
I know I already posted today but I need advice and I realized there is nobody in my real life I can talk to about this.

If you have read some of my posts this year, you know my husband and I have had some problems, so that combined with this morning has me shaken up. My husband's job recently changed from being solo in a truck all day to working in an office. There is this one name that is coming up here and there in conversation....Jenna.....you see where I'm going here right?

She is young and has a boyfriend, I don't know much more. This morning he let me know when I texted him to say good morning and they were working together this morning so I take that as she is aware of our texts and my responses. He sends me this map and said Jenna said we could bring our dog there, maybe meet up with her and her boyfriend at some point. What is interesting about this there is a lake I drive to that is dog friendly, they can go off leash and everything. I went this past Sunday? It is an hour drive, he opted not to go and stayed home with the kids. So I asked him why he will consider this but won't come with me to the lake? He responded that it is a shorter drive and sounds like a shorter walk. So I respond with "okay". His next text is "holy green eyed monster batman, you seemed upset there for a minute". Then he asks me how I am doing today, like he is trying to feel me out.

He has a company phone so if he wanted to talk to someone he could totally do that and I would have no idea. He always says I can look at it or his personal phone anytime but he also deletes stuff off his phone regularly to keep space on it free, so he claims.

I'm having a serious physical reaction to this, shaking and I feel sick, I have never experienced this before so I don't know why I'm having this reaction.

Am I totally freaking out for no reason?
Look, maybe he's cheating on you. Maybe he's an *******. Maybe he just has a lady work friend and deletes his texts. None of us know. A lot of people here are jumping to wild conclusions which I don't think are at all helpful. Based on the short summary of what you've said here, I would not think he's cheating -- but I don't know your husband. I delete my texts probably every other day and I'm certainly not cheating on my husband. I do think if you are considering putting spyware on his phone or a tracker in car (totally crazy IMO) the marriage is already over.
 

Calliecake

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 7, 2014
Messages
7,024
liaerfbv|1479506807|4100378 said:
StephanieLynn|1479485148|4100215 said:
I know I already posted today but I need advice and I realized there is nobody in my real life I can talk to about this.

If you have read some of my posts this year, you know my husband and I have had some problems, so that combined with this morning has me shaken up. My husband's job recently changed from being solo in a truck all day to working in an office. There is this one name that is coming up here and there in conversation....Jenna.....you see where I'm going here right?

She is young and has a boyfriend, I don't know much more. This morning he let me know when I texted him to say good morning and they were working together this morning so I take that as she is aware of our texts and my responses. He sends me this map and said Jenna said we could bring our dog there, maybe meet up with her and her boyfriend at some point. What is interesting about this there is a lake I drive to that is dog friendly, they can go off leash and everything. I went this past Sunday? It is an hour drive, he opted not to go and stayed home with the kids. So I asked him why he will consider this but won't come with me to the lake? He responded that it is a shorter drive and sounds like a shorter walk. So I respond with "okay". His next text is "holy green eyed monster batman, you seemed upset there for a minute". Then he asks me how I am doing today, like he is trying to feel me out.

He has a company phone so if he wanted to talk to someone he could totally do that and I would have no idea. He always says I can look at it or his personal phone anytime but he also deletes stuff off his phone regularly to keep space on it free, so he claims.

I'm having a serious physical reaction to this, shaking and I feel sick, I have never experienced this before so I don't know why I'm having this reaction.

Am I totally freaking out for no reason?
Look, maybe he's cheating on you. Maybe he's an *******. Maybe he just has a lady work friend and deletes his texts. None of us know. A lot of people here are jumping to wild conclusions which I don't think are at all helpful. Based on the short summary of what you've said here, I would not think he's cheating -- but I don't know your husband. I delete my texts probably every other day and I'm certainly not cheating on my husband. I do think if you are considering putting spyware on his phone or a tracker in car (totally crazy IMO) the marriage is already over.

I could not agree more with the above.

I went out to lunch with men all the time when I was working. Never had an affair or wanted to have an affair with any of them. Some of the remarks on here sound crazy to me. It's 2016, men and woman can be friends without wanting to have an affair or wanting to destroy their marriage. Marriages are built on trust. If you don't trust him, why stay married to him?
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
5,926
So I went out for some retail therapy. We talked about today and I don't believe anything is going on other than business related stuff. I explained to him that I do trust him (which I do) but when you put this invitation for all of us to hang out in the same year where we have had marital difficulties it is just circumstances that make it suspect. It didn't occur to him that I would take it that way, he looked at it the same as any other woman he has worked with and he actually has worked with women he went out to lunch with etc and I never had any issue with that. Is it me? Maybe. Is it his approach and ridiculous jealousy accusations? Maybe. I think it's a perfect storm of things thrown together.

I know some of you are going to be like, I can't believe she is believing him and you might have been told the same thing. I'm not going to do investigative work (his phone records were clean on his personal phone which is what he deletes all the stuff from) I am choosing to believe him, I know that might not be the popular opinion but I'm going with my gut with what I have so far. I am making the choice to keep my family together because I just don't have enough (for me) to take any action otherwise.

Azstonie, I have to disagree with you about saying my husband is a poor excuse for a father especially because he didn't have a father, I didn't have a mom growing up, considering that he is doing a great job. He has issues, absolutely, but under all that he is trying to do right by me and my kids, does he mess up sometimes? Sure. Nobody is perfect. He had an out earlier this year but instead we are both still here fighting for our marriage and our family.

I sincerely appreciate everyone's responses, I know a lot of you have personal experience with this and believe me when I say I took all of your suggestions into consideration.
 

telephone89

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 29, 2014
Messages
3,816
azstonie|1479503635|4100359 said:
No need for detective work, you already know.

At best, its an emotional affair and they are enjoying the gaslighting of their spouses, which is complete bull$#it. At worst, its an affair in every respect.

Look, fark therapy for him---therapy doesn't 'change' the fundamental person you are, it increases self-awareness. Your husband is a philandering husband and a poor excuse for a father---as Chris Rock said, when you cheat on your wife you are cheating on your children. Because of the baggage this man has in addition to the lying philandering, your children are being raised in an abusive and unstable home (will it be Mean Daddy today? Or self-involved dad today? Or abusing-mom-Dad today?)

Re therapy, If anyone would benefit from some increased awareness now that would be you. You cannot change this man. But you can find out what you're doing with him and what kind of future you want for your children and yourself.

You are clearly a lovely person who is thoughtful and considerate and intelligent. I hope all this plays out to your benefit, and I hope you take control immediately. If you want to stay married to this guy, you could try what my friend did, which was she tossed his a$$ to the curb and told him she was taking 12 months to determine what she wanted; he could try to get her back, that would be up to him, but she was taking the full 12 months, including dating if she wanted to. He had to be out of the house within 12 hours or she was initiating divorce proceedings that day. He could visit the kids any time, she'd support him being a father 100%.
Whoa whoa whoa!
'At best it's an emotional affair'- they are going for a dog walk! Chill the f out! That is wildly inappropriate to assume from 1 post.
You are saying some nasty stuff about someone you don't even know. Not saying he is perfect, but that's a huge jump.
 

AGBF

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 26, 2003
Messages
21,112
Aeolianarpa|1479491551|4100264 said:
Hi Stephanie, I'm very sorry to see you put in a position to feel like this. I think the reason you perceive this so badly is that it comes straight after you take issue with his angry outbursts like you really mean business, right? The whole 'I've got a friend who's a woman at work who wants to do things with me that I don't want to do with you' is basically calculated to take the confidence out of your sails, and make you feel uneasy and threatened. How can you stick to your guns about fairness and respect in the marriage (to an entitled aggressive man, if that's what your husband is, this is essentially a call to submit to you, something aggressive personalities will not do) if he's showing you that other women think he's great and close enough to develop a relationship with on purpose. I think it's an effort to control your feelings. I don't think it's a coincidence anyway.

This could be a good moment to step back and look at how your feelings are moving, and what is moving them. You'll likely find a whole line of feelings that you can link directly to the inexplicable things he's said and done. This is good for recovering your sense of security. If you can spot an emotional manipulator at work, you can block him. I hope I'm wrong -- but give yourself some space and peace to think about the whole picture between his behavior and your response -- and what he stands to gain with his moves.


ETA: I wouldn't go to the park -- it just plays into his game of making you worry in a way you can't resolve. I.e. they sure look to be all friendly, and there's just enough eye contact and feelgood gesturing that your worry is stirred. When you speak up, hey you're just a paranoid and insecure wreck of a woman, so you should feel threatened -- just look at the competition! I'd recommend tuning out the whole concept and talking whatever banal rubbish it takes to refuse without any feeling whatsoever. Gray rock, that's the trick. In the meantime work on calibrating your intuit-ometer so that you can get to the bottom of what ails you.

Okay, I hope that helps.
I think this was a very insightful posting. I'm not sure your husband's "cheating" is the issue here. (And I mean a desire to cheat or his having cheated.) I agree that the interest in a "new" woman at work may be a reaction to your putting your foot down in the marriage. Other posters are suggesting marriage counseling. I thought you had said you were in marriage counseling, but perhaps that was another poster.

I suspect that as you assert yourself and he starts to behave outwardly, he is starting to engage in some other regressive behaviors in the marriage. And not because he is interested in someone else. Because he doesn't know what to do now that you have broken the old patterns of behavior. Because he doesn't know what to do with the anger he used to be able to take out on you.

Before you file for divorce, see a professional. And, no, don't go to the park. That's his game. You're the wife. Why wouldn't you be jealous if he starts playing games with little girls at the office? He's acting like an infant. Tell him to grow up.

AGBF
 
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    Three-stone engagement ring upgrade
    Three-stone engagement ring upgrade
    Vintage OEC Bracelet
    Vintage OEC Bracelet
    June’s Birthstone Trinity
    June’s Birthstone Trinity

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top