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Taking too much control?

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Callisto

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So my boyfriend and I have been together almost three years and have started legitimately talking about getting engaged (but probably not till next year). I''ve always said I''ve wanted some say in choosing my e-ring, which he was not fond of at first but has warmed up to the idea.

I had finally started to relinquish some control when I found pricescope... needless to say I''m now more wanting to be in control as ever. I''m a pretty picky girl especially when it comes to few thousand dollar purchases. I''m just worried that he''s going to get offended or feel emasculated if I''m the primary one making decisions. Don''t get me wrong, I want him to be a part of the process, his opinions and advice. But he''s just not that interested in learning about diamond grading and quality so I want to make sure I get what I want and the best value for our budget. Every time I try to talk to him about logistics of actually buying a diamond he gets overwhelmed and annoyed.

Do any of you feel like you took too much control in the process? Or any tips for how to make him feel like he''s part of the decision while still making sure your voice is heard?
 

Porridge

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Oct 27, 2008
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Start excitedly talking about the intricacies of diamond grading (make it sound uber complicated). He''ll get so befuddled he''ll be delighted you''re taking the work off his hands! Along the way, be sure to tell him how amazing he is for letting you have some input and how much it means to you that he''s willing to please you.
 

Bia

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My same exact situation this time last year.

We discussed getting engaged "within the year," and that was the last he wanted to discuss the proposal--in the name of a 'SURPRISE.' He was adamant that I hand him the reigns when it came to the engagement...that's just what he wanted. I, naturally, wanted to have a little say in my ring because it is such a big purchase. I didn't know what our budget was, but at one point he did let me tell him what I liked, and most importantly, what I didn't like. So I showed him. I also showed him Pricescope, a few of my favorite rings, and a few vendors that I encouraged him to work with.

That was the last I heard about rings. I would gently bring it up a few times after that but he wanted none of it.


We got engaged in December and turned out, the boy surprised me alright. When he proposed I had absolutley no idea it was coming...and I loved it. He also asked me to marry him with my dream ring!

So he did his homework afterall, and in turn, taught me a lesson


If he really wants it to be a surprise, tell him you want to show him what you like and where to go for help. Show him Pricescope too! But do let him have a say...
 

lucyandroger

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Hi Callisto,

I know exactly how you feel! It can be hard walking that fine line between being involved and being overbearing (if your guy wasn''t really fond of the idea to begin with).

I was just thinking that since you said your engagement may well be a year from now, maybe when you discuss the ring he feels a little pressured or uncomfortable because he thinks you''re on a different timeline. Most men don''t realize that women can spend a good part of a year picking out the minute details of their engagement ring. He probably thinks that if you''re looking and talking about it, that you want it now.

So what I would do is next time you want to discuss it, just reiterate that you know it may be months before you''re engaged but it''s a big descision and you like thinking about it. Let him know not to feel pressured, that you''re still on the same page as far as a timeline but these things take time to plan.

Good luck with the planning!
 

miss_flo

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Date: 3/31/2009 12:16:38 PM
Author:Callisto
Don''t get me wrong, I want him to be a part of the process, his opinions and advice.
I think you''re getting this a little backward
Unless you are helping him pay for the ring, he is the one who should be asking you for opinions and advice - not the other way around. His money, his purchase, your gift. If he''s already feeling annoyed and uncomfortable about discussing rings, the best thing to do is give him some space, take a couple weeks off from "rock talk," then bring it up later when he''s not overwhelmed. Ask him directly about how much help he wants in the purchasing process, and let his answer be your guide.

My best tip is to share photos of what you like, along with links to suggested vendors. It''ll allow him to browse at his own pace and get a feel for what you want. I did that with my DB and he did exactly what I''d hoped - he went through a reputable online vendor to get the best value he could find for his budget. I still have no idea what the ring looks like, but I know it''ll contain the most important elements - round brilliant, halo, micropave band. Everything else was up to him.

Either way, I understand your point perfectly. You''re the one who will have to wear the ring for the rest of your life, so you want it to be perfect. Just be careful not to lose the meaning and sentiment of what a ring represents. In 50 years when you''re old and celebrating your anniversary, you''ll want to look back on the ring buying process with fondness and happiness
 

Snicklefritz

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Oh yeah, I''m there. Fortunately, I''ve convinced my BF that he''s very lucky to have found someone who''s willing to do all the footwork for him and save him tons of money in the process. Like your BF, mine is not at all interested in learning about diamonds etc, and he''s pretty particular about how he spends his money.

Some suggestions:
Ask your BF how he would feel if the ring he buys you is not what you like, now that he knows you have specific ring tastes. And remind him that he''ll most likely have a say in what his w-ring will look like. Shouldn''t you have a say in the design of the rings you''re planning to wear forever?

Also tell him that it''s more common now for the woman to have a say these days, and that it won''t take away any of the romance, and will ensure your satisfaction - which I would hope is his overall goal anyway. Besides, creating an e-ring together can be a very intimate process. I''d take intimacy over surprise any day.
 

Treasure43

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I''ve been there and thought I''d share my advice. We went to a few stores together and I started during research online. I showed all my research to my boyfriend and after he felt informed he started gettting into it a lot more. He''s even been going in to stores and picking out settings I would pick out before I can pick them out! It took a bit of discussion for him to understand that I wanted some say in the decision since he wants it to be a suprise. I let him know the proposal will ultimatly be a suprise but this is a huge purchase and I want to adore it. He is now enjoying the process of learning about diamonds and ring shopping and is noticing differences in diamonds. He loves reading everyone''s responses when I post on pricescope and has really gotten in to it. For us, communication was key. And getting educated was key for him as well. Good luck! Sometimes it takes guys awhile to get into the process because they''re not naturally as excited about diamonds as we are! :)
 

caribqueen

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I think you just have to try not to be overbearing, but I find nothing wrong with having your say. I think in some ways we do have to remember that it''s a symbol of something much bigger so in that sense don''t focus on it too much. At the same token, you''ll be wearing it and staring at it more than he will I''m sure, so why shouldn''t you be happy with what''s on your finger.

From my BF''s perspective and other men I know it''s really the guys who make more out of the proposal. That''s the only real control they might have in the whole "let''s get married thing," and they want to be proud of what they''ve accomplished.

But honestly, I know women who''ve bought their own rings because of different situations and been married 20+ years. You know your BF best and since you have a year, you have quite a bit of time for him to soften more to your input. Like a fellow poster said, if he''s not ready for the purchase now and you bombard him too much with information he may feel a bit overwhelmed right now. Just feed him a little bit of information at a time.
 

Callisto

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"Besides, creating an e-ring together can be a very intimate process. I''d take intimacy over surprise any day." -Snicklefritz

I like the way you phrased that. I''m going to mention that to him (once the whole idea of ring shopping has settled more)

"I was just thinking that since you said your engagement may well be a year from now, maybe when you discuss the ring he feels a little pressured or uncomfortable because he thinks you''re on a different timeline. Most men don''t realize that women can spend a good part of a year picking out the minute details of their engagement ring. He probably thinks that if you''re looking and talking about it, that you want it now." -lucyandroger

You totally nailed it. I don''t think he realizes that it could be a many month process. Especially since I''m looking to find the perfect cushion. That will be especially hard to find in our price range. I mean obviously if he proposed now I would say yes and I''d love to be engaged to the love of my life but I don''t mind waiting the extra months. I think he really feels pressured when I bring it up which is totally unintentional. I''m just the kind of person that overanalyzes the purchase of $20 sandals... can you imagine what I''m like when thousands of dollars are involved!?!?! I just want to be educated about the purchase and not get ripped off and he''s the person I talk to about what I''m interested in... and right now it''s diamonds.

I think he also feels overwhelmed because before pricescope I jumped around a lot when talking about what I wanted. One day it was a princess cut spit-shank, the next it was an emerald solitaire.... but I feel like I''m finally starting to understand what I REALLY want thanks to all you helpful people on pricescope. But I''m now kind of the girl who cried wolf since he thinks anything I say I like now is just going to change in a week.
 

iheartbora

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I was in the exact same boat as you just a few weeks ago, and also posted about your concerns. Since then I just openly asked SO how much involvement am I allowed and why I think I should have a say in the ring. Just like your bf, he wasn''t too excited at first, but after knowing how much research needs to go in, he is now appreciating my input.

To make it easier for him, I basically sent him the stats of my "ideal ring", fed him some diamond 101 along the way, and explained to him my preference (I made it sound reasonable, hoping that he''ll agree, which he did). To make him feel that he is in the driver sit (very important I think), I suggested a few places to start looking and left him on his own to take the initiative to contact the jeweler. Naturally with my guidance though, he ended up emailing the contact that I found, got a reply, and even suggested that we should meet the jeweler this weekend so we can narrow down our preference!

I guess at the end of the day, like the other ladies said, it is his money and he should feel that he is the decision maker. Having said that, it doesn''t mean we can''t influence (heavily) his decision...
 

jaylex

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There is hope for you! My bf and I have been together for 3 years also. We started looking at diamonds last November and he was rather overwhelmed at first. but once we finally got into the process, he relaxed and we ended up finding our dream rock the very next month! It took us up until a week ago to find a setting we liked, but giving him the extra time was worth it.
We picked out the diamond together because when we first started our diamond searching process, he was in the dark when it came to the four Cs. I let him basically choose what color gold the setting and wrap was going to be. much to my delight, he caught on to the fact that I like the look of pink gold so he chose a custom made pink gold setting with a yellow gold wrap. I had a say in all parts of the ring, though.

He wasn''t too fond of me helping to pick it out at first... he and i were rather traditional when it came to that.
But the following are the reasons we finally decided on making this decision together:
*We make all other decisions together. We like to be united on every front.
*He didn''t know all that much about how diamonds are graded
*I wouldn''t make that large of a purchase without his input, especially since it''s such an important one that affects both of us.
*It is important that he likes the look of the ring, but I am the one who is going to be wearing it for the rest of my life.
***This was the safest way to insure that we would both be completely and 100% happy with the ring and would get the best value for his money

We both had equal say and equal control and we both can''t wait to see the end result of our months of diamond sifting and setting searching! For us, picking it out together was the best thing we could have done!

Btw, my friend and her bf were together for 6 years before getting engaged. They looked at rings together once or twice and she showed him what she liked. Her preference for bling is very clean and simple, he likes to show off so he likes more glitzy and showy jewelery. When it came time to buy a ring and propose, he picked a ring that he liked, which was nothing like what she had shown him and was definitely not her style.
She liked it at first but is now talking about turning it into a right hand ring instead and buying a new ering, one that she can love to look at everyday.
She feels terrible but she doesn''t think the ring is very "her" and it kind of bothered her that he completely disregarded her taste.



If you feel strongly about being involved, make sure you talk to him about it in the nicest way possible. And remember, compromising is key!

Sorry for the long reply
 

miss_flo

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Date: 3/31/2009 11:49:36 PM
Author: Callisto
I''m just the kind of person that overanalyzes the purchase of $20 sandals... can you imagine what I''m like when thousands of dollars are involved!?!?!
I''m exactly the same way. I''ve never made a ton of money so I obsess over every purchase, down to the minute details. When I sent photos of ring settings to DB, he always ended up asking, "Wait, those aren''t the same ring?"
I just laughed, because it was then that I knew I had given him enough "ringspiration."
I didn''t ask for a particular carat size, but I was aware of his budget in advance so I had a ballpark idea of what he was able to afford. If your DB is willing to discuss his budget with you, I think it''ll help a lot with helping him research rings. I really enjoy using those price vs. carat slider gadgets on loose diamond searches for diamond vendors like Whiteflash and James Allen - maybe he''ll get a kick out of them too!

I also completely agree that men rarely realize how long the ring buying process can take. Lucyandroger''s point was spot-on, his nervousness may completely lie in his anxiety that you want a ring within the next month. As soon as the topic comes up again, let him know that you are in no rush at all. I bet that the majority of the tension will fade instantly :)

Keep us posted on how the discussion progresses!
 

Pandora II

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Date: 3/31/2009 12:16:38 PM
Author:Callisto
So my boyfriend and I have been together almost three years and have started legitimately talking about getting engaged (but probably not till next year). I''ve always said I''ve wanted some say in choosing my e-ring, which he was not fond of at first but has warmed up to the idea.

I had finally started to relinquish some control when I found pricescope... needless to say I''m now more wanting to be in control as ever. I''m a pretty picky girl especially when it comes to few thousand dollar purchases. I''m just worried that he''s going to get offended or feel emasculated if I''m the primary one making decisions. Don''t get me wrong, I want him to be a part of the process, his opinions and advice. But he''s just not that interested in learning about diamond grading and quality so I want to make sure I get what I want and the best value for our budget. Every time I try to talk to him about logistics of actually buying a diamond he gets overwhelmed and annoyed.

Do any of you feel like you took too much control in the process? Or any tips for how to make him feel like he''s part of the decision while still making sure your voice is heard?
I let my husband pay all by himself


Seriously though, my DH knows nothing about rocks whereas it''s not only my hobby but used to be my job. We separated the two things.

The proposal was about us, our future and a promise. The ring was to celebrate the deal so to speak, so we didn''t start on the ring until after the proposal.

DH choose the colour green and wanted melee in some form, I did everything else and just got his approval at each stage. It took so long that he ended up proposing three times - initially, then again with a placeholder ring and finally nearly 6 months later with the real thing!

Lots of fun and a truly joint process...
 

jcarlylew

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Jun 27, 2008
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i agree with those who said show him ideas of what you like, and take him on trips to try on rings together. you''d be surprised how quick they can get into once you relinquish control (E wound up picking out a setting that we both loved, but i figured was out of budget). Also, If he is new to diamonds, why not have the SA''s show him diamonds under the microscope? That worked for E, very much a science guy :)
 

Callisto

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Date: 4/1/2009 6:20:47 AM
Author: Pandora II
Date: 3/31/2009 12:16:38 PM

Author:Callisto

So my boyfriend and I have been together almost three years and have started legitimately talking about getting engaged (but probably not till next year). I''ve always said I''ve wanted some say in choosing my e-ring, which he was not fond of at first but has warmed up to the idea.


I had finally started to relinquish some control when I found pricescope... needless to say I''m now more wanting to be in control as ever. I''m a pretty picky girl especially when it comes to few thousand dollar purchases. I''m just worried that he''s going to get offended or feel emasculated if I''m the primary one making decisions. Don''t get me wrong, I want him to be a part of the process, his opinions and advice. But he''s just not that interested in learning about diamond grading and quality so I want to make sure I get what I want and the best value for our budget. Every time I try to talk to him about logistics of actually buying a diamond he gets overwhelmed and annoyed.


Do any of you feel like you took too much control in the process? Or any tips for how to make him feel like he''s part of the decision while still making sure your voice is heard?
I let my husband pay all by himself



Seriously though, my DH knows nothing about rocks whereas it''s not only my hobby but used to be my job. We separated the two things.


The proposal was about us, our future and a promise. The ring was to celebrate the deal so to speak, so we didn''t start on the ring until after the proposal.


DH choose the colour green and wanted melee in some form, I did everything else and just got his approval at each stage. It took so long that he ended up proposing three times - initially, then again with a placeholder ring and finally nearly 6 months later with the real thing!


Lots of fun and a truly joint process...
I agree that what the proposal and what the ring stand for are different. If he wanted to propose without a ring and never buy me one I''d still marry him (I''d be a tad disappointed) because the bling isnt what matters.

I''ve mentioned the option of proposing without a ring to him but we never really considered it. Was it annoying to try to explain to family and friends that you''re engaged but just don''t have a ring yet? I feel like I''d get really sick of answering that question.
 

elrohwen

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May 20, 2008
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I totally designed my ring and my FI was thrilled! He didn''t want all the responsibility of picking it out and getting something I didn''t like, so he was happy to let me get what I wanted.

Honestly, I don''t really understand guys who want to take total control of it ... the girl has to wear it, so why shouldn''t she have some say?
 

Callisto

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Date: 4/1/2009 9:30:03 AM
Author: elrohwen
I totally designed my ring and my FI was thrilled! He didn''t want all the responsibility of picking it out and getting something I didn''t like, so he was happy to let me get what I wanted.


Honestly, I don''t really understand guys who want to take total control of it ... the girl has to wear it, so why shouldn''t she have some say?
I''m totally with you. You know what else I don''t understand, the whole "he''s paying for it" reason. I know this isn''t true for all couples but I know my bf and I plan on combining our assets (all like $12 haha) when we get married. So if he''s spending HIS money that will soon be OUR money... aren''t I kind of paying for it too? I mean I know I''m not directly funding it but see what I mean? Just something I''ve pondered.
 

tlh

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Date: 3/31/2009 12:42:33 PM
Author: Porridge
Start excitedly talking about the intricacies of diamond grading (make it sound uber complicated). He''ll get so befuddled he''ll be delighted you''re taking the work off his hands! Along the way, be sure to tell him how amazing he is for letting you have some input and how much it means to you that he''s willing to please you.
oooo, you are sneaky... I like you!
 

Pandora II

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Date: 4/1/2009 9:23:29 AM
Author: Callisto


I agree that what the proposal and what the ring stand for are different. If he wanted to propose without a ring and never buy me one I''d still marry him (I''d be a tad disappointed) because the bling isnt what matters.

I''ve mentioned the option of proposing without a ring to him but we never really considered it. Was it annoying to try to explain to family and friends that you''re engaged but just don''t have a ring yet? I feel like I''d get really sick of answering that question.
Not at all.

I think the norms surrounding engagement amongst your friends and family, and your own reaction/response to the question may count for a lot on this though. It''s fairly normal in the UK to choose the ring together after the engagement.

We did a big announcement and had an engagement party so no-one thought it wasn''t official - plus DH gave me an antique diamond and sapphire eternity band as a placeholder so I had something on my finger (I love all those ebay sellers who spell sapphire as ''saphire''
)

People did ask, but since nearly all of them know that I am obsessed with bling, they probably regretted it as they got ALL the details of the ''work in progress''.
It was very obvious from both my and DH''s reactions that it wasn''t a case that I wasn''t getting one or that there was a problem.

Quite a large number of girls said that they were envious that I was getting a custom ring to our own design rather than something my DH had plonked his credit-card down for the week before the proposal, and how romantic it was to have something really personal to us.

I also do a lot of e-rings for people - stone/diamond sourcing and designing or finding the right settings - and I really enjoy it when the couple come together. One newly engaged couple came over the other evening, they wanted a coloured stone and were thinking of a ruby (although nothing from Burma which was going to be tough). I got my loose rocks out and we spent two hours looking at different colours and types of stone on her hand, and her FI was really taken with blue sapphires - he''d only seen really dark ones before and I showed them some paler ceylon sapphires which looked great with her skin tone.
I sent them off with a couple of different stones so that they could see what they thought about them in different types of lighting (I''m insured
) and asked them to go and try on different settings and sizes of centre-stone to see what suited her hand (often what you think you like isn''t what looks best and styles that you''d never think of just have that wow factor when you put them on.)

Today I got an email to tell me they definitely want to go with the ceylon sapphire and can I start the search for the stone. I just LOVE getting to spend other people''s money on rocks!


It was so lovely to watch them choosing this symbol together and how excited they were. From my point of view I''m happy that they will end up with a ring that they BOTH love and that they will have chosen every element of from the exact shade of blue to the type of prongs.

I''m always so nervous when the guy wants to do the whole thing on his own, especially as they often ask for my guidance and I''m so picky myself that I find it hard to do it for another person. Nine times out of ten I will suggest something very classic just to stay safe. I''ve never had any of the girls actually hate their rings, but I have had some who have told me on the quiet what they would have done differently if they had been included in the process. I want them to love their rings (upgrades are not usual here) and it makes me feel a little sad and guilty to know that they''re not 110% happy.
 

Pandora II

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Date: 4/1/2009 9:30:03 AM
Author: elrohwen
I totally designed my ring and my FI was thrilled! He didn''t want all the responsibility of picking it out and getting something I didn''t like, so he was happy to let me get what I wanted.

Honestly, I don''t really understand guys who want to take total control of it ... the girl has to wear it, so why shouldn''t she have some say?
The ''car scenario'' normally works well:

Me: How would you feel if your girlfriend was going to pick a car for you?
Guy: OMG, all she knows about cars is if they are red, blue, green etc
Me: Exactly, now imagine you have to drive this exact same car for the rest of your life and that she would feel devastated if you told her that you didn''t like the colour or the make or the shape...
Guy: Hmmm, you have a point.
Me: How much do you really know about diamonds or jewellery?
Guy: Not a lot
Me: So why not ask her for her input, since she will have to wear this every day for the rest of her life?
Guy: But won''t it ruin the suprise and anyway she should like whatever I pick.
Me: Okay, lets go back to that car that she''s going to buy you....

Unless the girl has specifically said that she doesn''t want any input it works everytime.
 

lucyandroger

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Date: 4/1/2009 10:20:23 AM
Author: Callisto

Date: 4/1/2009 9:30:03 AM
Author: elrohwen
I totally designed my ring and my FI was thrilled! He didn''t want all the responsibility of picking it out and getting something I didn''t like, so he was happy to let me get what I wanted.


Honestly, I don''t really understand guys who want to take total control of it ... the girl has to wear it, so why shouldn''t she have some say?
I''m totally with you. You know what else I don''t understand, the whole ''he''s paying for it'' reason. I know this isn''t true for all couples but I know my bf and I plan on combining our assets (all like $12 haha) when we get married. So if he''s spending HIS money that will soon be OUR money... aren''t I kind of paying for it too? I mean I know I''m not directly funding it but see what I mean? Just something I''ve pondered.
I totally agree Callisto. I would think a lot of couples when at the point that they are getting engaged have semi-joint finances or at least consult one another on large purchases. So why would the egagement ring be any different?
 

Dreamgirl

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I became incredibly controlling last year wanting one certain style and nothing else. (Stupid I know, but I''m over that now) But then I opened up to some of his ideas and I''m actually working on opening up to more possible options which he doesn''t know about just yet. (That''s not to say I still want what I want!) I know how you feel though, I''m incredibly picky myself and don''t want him to buy something that isn''t any good. I think he has the idea now and I''ve just got to put my trust in him that he will get something I will love!

I don''t see anything wrong with having a little say in it or pointing out styles you like to give him an idea!
This way he kind of knows what you like by the time he goes to buy. I like to just remind him from time to time little things here and there...
Ulitimately, I am leaving it up to him while knowing I''ve planted some seeds.
 

miss_flo

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Date: 4/1/2009 10:20:23 AM
Author: Callisto
You know what else I don''t understand, the whole ''he''s paying for it'' reason. I know this isn''t true for all couples but I know my bf and I plan on combining our assets (all like $12 haha) when we get married. So if he''s spending HIS money that will soon be OUR money... aren''t I kind of paying for it too? I mean I know I''m not directly funding it but see what I mean? Just something I''ve pondered.
Since I''m the person who made that comment, I guess I should clarify. There''s a huge difference between combining finances toward joint expenses, and funding a purchase directly. A lot of ladies here on Pricescope (myself included) have discussed the idea of splitting the cost of the ring with our SO''s, but you haven''t mentioned that yet so I''m assuming you''re allowing him to make the purchase himself. In that sense, he is literally the primary decision maker because he''s the one signing the check. Again, I agree that you should have input in the creative process (i.e. specific setting, specific specs on the diamond) but ultimately you can''t tell him how to spend his money. If he''s a great guy, and it sounds like he is, then he will take your suggestions and give you the ring you want and deserve.

However, I take issue with the concept of "control" ever entering the vocabulary of a ring purchase. Buying something this big is not about a tug-of-war of control, it''s about compromise - just like a marriage. If he''s feeling overwhelmed, it''s your responsibility to compromise by giving him space. That''s why we''ve suggested the less invasive approach of simply sharing photos and making suggestions. Once he becomes interested and open to digging in, that''s when it''s time to let loose the super detailed suggestions and direct links to the exact ring you want


DB and I have shared expenses for over three years; literally, his was mine and vice versa. Rent, utilities, groceries and bills were all split according to income. He made about $60k a year, I made about $40k a year, so it was a simple 60/40 split on expenses. When it came to the engagement ring, however, it was my time to recognize that he was buying me a gift with his hard earned money. I let him decide when he was ready to make the purchase, but I did give him an idea of what I wanted by showing him examples and giving him links.

It''s true that when you get married you''ll be sharing in each others'' incomes, but that isn''t the case yet and you can''t expect it to be that simple. Let him come around, gently encourage him to get excited about the process, and have FUN. This part of your courtship is supposed to be the best part, with all the goofy grins while trying on rings and revelations that you''ll FINALLY get to call each other husband and wife. Enjoy it and all the giddiness that goes along with it :) And keep us posted on your ring buying process!
 

Callisto

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
1,152
Haha Pandora I love the car scenario. Very funny. He''s a drummer so I''ve tried to explain it to him in the "you wouldn''t want me buying you a drumset without your guidance would you?"

Also news_girl I totally wasn''t targeting you with that comment, sorry if it seemed that way. While it definitely relates to your post I''ve heard that from some of my friends too. A lot of people think that and I do too to some extent, I just see another side as well. Also I totally understand what you mean by the tug-of-war and it should never be like that. I think our issue is just more so that he''s kind of disinterested so I have control by default right now. I think he''ll get a lot more into it when we start seriously looking as opposed to just browsing (probably later this year). I''ve tried to get him to look through some diamond tutorials on sites like this before and he always says he will and then "forgets" haha (and just to clarify so that doesn''t make him sound neglectful or anything, he is busy with school and just not as intrigued by diamonds as I am) Thanks for you advice.
 

4ever

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 9, 2008
Messages
2,260
I took alot of control in choosing my engagment ring. I am, admitadly, a control freak. I couldn''t handle getting somthing I didn''t like or, even worse, miss out on all the fun of shopping for expensive sparkly things!

In the end I don''t think my partner felt like he wasn''t part of the desision, I never went into a shop or even looked in a jewlery window without him there, when trying stuff on were were there together and both said what we liked and didn''t like and in the end we just happened to find one we both really loved. We just had to go back and get it before some one else snapped it up tho he told me later he would have snuck back there and got it himself if I hadn''t agreed to get it right away.

You are alowed to be part of the process if that''s what you want, as long as hes there and gets an opinion and you come to an agreement on what you both like, I don''t see a problem, you have what you want, he likes it and knows you like it.
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
Date: 3/31/2009 12:16:38 PM
Author:Callisto
I'm just worried that he's going to get offended or feel emasculated if I'm the primary one making decisions.
Emasculated? My man's very masculine, and I'm ashamed to say he didn't set foot in a jewellery store with me (although we did shop for our wedding bands together).

He can't be bothered with jewellery, and tbh, it's better that way I think. Although I think his original budget would have been more realistic (as in...bigger!!!) if he had come along with me to the jewellery shops a few times...

ETA: but then, I didn't start looking for an engagement ring until after we had actually announced our engagement...
 
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