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Taking the surprise too far - HELP!!!

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Chili_Willy

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 9, 2009
Messages
15
Hi all,
I''m mostly just a lurker here, but recently bought an engagement ring with the tremendous help of this site. I write to you now with an unfortunate problem. I relocated with my girlfriend last October as I knew I wanted to marry her, but have had a long job search here. I wanted to find employment before proposing and she knew this but around Thanksgiving/Christmas I decided I should just do it as I have already made up my mind and promised myself I would marry her, so I thought I should make the same promise to her.

I did tell her around Christmas that it would be coming soon with or without a job....
Well two months of shopping and lead time later I will receive the ring next week, just before we leave on a Caribbean vacation where I intend to propose, but I want it to surprise her, she wants that too.

Though I''ve been very careful, shes very perceptive. Yesterday a Tiffany catalog came in the mail and I joked that I knew what she wanted in there. Something about the way she said "don''t tease me" made me fear she knew I intended to propose on the vacation.

In hindsight I should have let her suspect it was coming, but last night I wanted to keep it a surprise so I said that we''ll take a trip to Tiffany to look at rings after I get the job offer I expect next week.

Well this backfired - she got really upset, and told me she thought I would have proposed by now, why did I need the Job if we''d end up together anyway, all sorts of stuff, she cried and I was at a loss of things to say. She was still very upset this morning when she left for work.

I''m sure the surprise is not worth upsetting her this way, but at the same time I don''t want to ruin my planned proposal. I need her to be in a good and happy mood to do it right. What should I do?



My best idea now is to tell a friend or her sister, and have them call her with the hopes that she will confide this upset to them, and then have them suggest that I was just trying to keep it a surprise.

Also I had planned to aske her dad permission the day before we left, because I don''t trust he won''t let it slip. Maybe I should ask him now?


Thanks for any suggestions ladies.

- Will
 

laughwithme

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2008
Messages
667
I really feel for you b/c I am a LIW and I have been on the other side of the fence...first, my advice about her dad would be, if it''s important to her that you ask him first, ask him without worrying about him letting it "slip" - otherwise, there will be that element of disappointment after you propose and she asks "did you ask my dad first?" One thing lots of LIWs talk about is becoming resentful of your boyfriend because (a) we don''t know why we''ve been made to wait this long and (b) right when we think we''re almost there, you guys say something to totally throw us off. I have totally been in your girlfriend''s shoes - when my BF recently asked some very basic questions about a stone, I was so confused, having convinced myself that he possibly already bought it. At this point, I am so confused altogether and try not to get upset when each day goes by and he hasn''t done it. In your case, I would suggest to maybe surprise her the night before or morning that you leave - I really don''t think she would expect it then. Don''t have a friend/sister call, if it gets back around to her that you asked them to call, things look fishy. Just let it be, I know it is hard to see her upset but us women are so emotional about everything anyway. Could you maybe take her down by the water the night before and do it? That way the ENTIRE cruise, she will be ecstatic, not just after you propose.
 

ckrickett

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 26, 2008
Messages
5,348
Date: 2/7/2009 9:37:22 AM
Author: laughwithme
I really feel for you b/c I am a LIW and I have been on the other side of the fence...first, my advice about her dad would be, if it's important to her that you ask him first, ask him without worrying about him letting it 'slip' - otherwise, there will be that element of disappointment after you propose and she asks 'did you ask my dad first?' One thing lots of LIWs talk about is becoming resentful of your boyfriend because (a) we don't know why we've been made to wait this long and (b) right when we think we're almost there, you guys say something to totally throw us off. I have totally been in your girlfriend's shoes - when my BF recently asked some very basic questions about a stone, I was so confused, having convinced myself that he possibly already bought it. At this point, I am so confused altogether and try not to get upset when each day goes by and he hasn't done it. In your case, I would suggest to maybe surprise her the night before or morning that you leave - I really don't think she would expect it then. Don't have a friend/sister call, if it gets back around to her that you asked them to call, things look fishy. Just let it be, I know it is hard to see her upset but us women are so emotional about everything anyway. Could you maybe take her down by the water the night before and do it? That way the ENTIRE cruise, she will be ecstatic, not just after you propose.
I was going to suggest proposing before the actual vacation too. That way you guys can spend the entire trip celebrating, and it would make it super special. I would in fact ASK her dad relatively soon, don't make it a last minute deal because it's probably huge to her and him. But do it in a timely manner and just express that you want him to keep his mouth shut.

As laughwithme said us LIW are a bundle of nerves some of us have waited forever and probably spent alot of time and effort to be "ok and content" with waiting, but when you guys try to throwus off it sometimes makes things worse. Not saying you didn't have good intentions, it soubds like you want her to be totally suprsed and you want to make that moment matter, ad that's awesome. Still we are wound up alittle tight!

Have fun and good luck!
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511
As a former LIW, sometimes the wait is AGONIZING. Because you do know there will be good times, and bad times. That your man NOT having a job sometimes just seems like an excuse. She obviously wants to be married. I''d ask her pops for permission NOW... and well if he lets the beans spill... it actually might calm her nerves. I do think proposals are wonderful and should take a lot of thought and planning. If the plan was to propose before your cruise, do it like you planned.

Here may be her feelings... she has been waiting so long, then you go on a cruise outside of the country,and she has to WAIT TO TELL EVERYONE!!!!!!!! Part of the fun is the telling everyone it happened, HOW it happened and celebrating WITH them. Then after she gets to tell everyone, you get to disappear and just RELAX together.

And out of curiousity.... DID YOU GET HER THE TIFF RING?
 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
582
I know you planned on doing it during the vacation, but I think doing it before would be best so she won''t be expecting and you both can celebrate the entire time being newly engaged. Otherwise, unless you do it the moment you leave she will be waiting, expecting, and a little dissappointed each opportunity that comes up and you don''t propose. Good luck! Let us know how it goes! :)
 

AmberGretchen

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 6, 2005
Messages
7,770
Date: 2/7/2009 11:04:08 AM
Author: Definitely, Maybe
I know you planned on doing it during the vacation, but I think doing it before would be best so she won''t be expecting and you both can celebrate the entire time being newly engaged. Otherwise, unless you do it the moment you leave she will be waiting, expecting, and a little dissappointed each opportunity that comes up and you don''t propose. Good luck! Let us know how it goes! :)
Ditto - I think at this point it will be more of a surprise that way!

I will say too, my now-husband was in a similar situation and the ring was burning a hole in his pocket so he took me out for a very special dinner about two weeks before the vacation and proposed then. It was perfect - I so enjoyed the trip as a celebration, and had a lot of fun basking in the good news during that time, and I think he was less nervous that way too.

Good luck, whatever you decide
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
Date: 2/7/2009 11:04:08 AM
Author: Definitely, Maybe
I know you planned on doing it during the vacation, but I think doing it before would be best so she won''t be expecting and you both can celebrate the entire time being newly engaged. Otherwise, unless you do it the moment you leave she will be waiting, expecting, and a little dissappointed each opportunity that comes up and you don''t propose. Good luck! Let us know how it goes! :)
I agree with this too. I''d try and do it sooner rather than wait until the vacation. It is a pity that your surprise was ruined though.
 

Rhea

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 20, 2007
Messages
6,292
Date: 2/7/2009 11:04:08 AM
Author: Definitely, Maybe
I know you planned on doing it during the vacation, but I think doing it before would be best so she won''t be expecting and you both can celebrate the entire time being newly engaged. Otherwise, unless you do it the moment you leave she will be waiting, expecting, and a little dissappointed each opportunity that comes up and you don''t propose. Good luck! Let us know how it goes! :)
I think this is spot on. If you do it before the vacation then she can relax and not be jumpy at every thing she preceives as a missed opportunity. Could you do the night before while packing or the morning that you''re leaving? If not, please don''t wait until too far into the vacation. Woman who have waited try to be on their best behaviour and not think about the engagement all the time, but your girlfriend may end up upset and crying again because of the disappointment.
 

Chili_Willy

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 9, 2009
Messages
15
Thank you all for the help and suggestions. I accidentally (or subconsciously) left my browser open yesterday when she got home. My laptop was closed and hibernating, but she was lying on the couch near it when I came in, I''m not sure if she saw anything, and not really sure what I had up behind directions to her parents house, but if she did see anything shes playing along as she was still upset/moody but fortunately improved later and seems ok this morning. I''m going to make the 7 hr round trip today to ask her dad. I''ll let you all know how it went next week sometime. Thanks for the womans perspective and the help, good luck to you all too!
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511
7 hour trip! Now you are a darling! Have fun, my fiancee was embarrassed as he is really shy and said it was awkward. However, that said, it really opened a line of communication that wasn''t there before, and a level of respect between both parties. I hope all goes well, and that you have a nice time!
 

Chili_Willy

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 9, 2009
Messages
15
Update - Well nothing ever goes as planned... I did go and get her parents blessing that day and they all managed to keep quiet, but I received bad news from the job the day before leaving on our vacation. I think that hearing that news in conjunction with my original statement to her (see first post above) combined to make her a little bit insecure about the relationship. We''ll I couldn''t have that so I carried her into the spare bedroom where I was keeping the ring hidden, laid her down on the bed, told her how important she was to me and so on and then asked her to marry me. I messed up as I was on 2 knees instead of one, and perhaps as a consequence she looked a bit confused. I had to tell her "I''m serious" and pull the ring from it''s hiding spot before she seemed to fully realize what was happening... She said yes and we ended up having a wonderful impromptu evening. She was happy with the way I did it and it did allow us to celebrate the whole trip. Thank you all for the help and now here''s the part I know you really want to hear....

Ring by Leon Mege'' - Diamond from Whiteflash - I prioitized in the order of Cut, Carat, Color, Clarity
to end up with one of their ACA diamonds - AGS 0, HCA 0.7, 1.637 Carat, G, SI1 - Pics to follow

 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
582
Sounds perfect!! Congratulations on your engagement!! The impromptu engagements always get me... I find them to be the most romantic. :)
 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
582
What a beautiful ring!! Very lucky girl to have such a thoughtful FI and that gorgeous ring! You did a great job! :)
 

sammyj

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
1,247
WOW!!! I apologize in advance if you''re still posting pics but that ring is goooorgeous!!
Congratulations on your engagement. It sounds like, in spite of the circumstances, your proposal couldn''t have been more perfect for the two of you.

Have a wonderful vacation...celebrate like a crazy!!!
 

Chili_Willy

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 9, 2009
Messages
15
Date: 2/18/2009 12:08:23 PM
Author: sammyj
WOW!!! I apologize in advance if you''re still posting pics but that ring is goooorgeous!!

All done now, and no apologies needed with the praise. Thank you all and good luck!
 

sammyj

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
1,247
Date: 2/18/2009 12:08:23 PM
Author: sammyj
WOW!!! I apologize in advance if you''re still posting pics but that ring is goooorgeous!!
Congratulations on your engagement. It sounds like, in spite of the circumstances, your proposal couldn''t have been more perfect for the two of you.

Have a wonderful vacation...celebrate like a crazy!!!
Ooops...I was deciding between ''celebrate like a crazy newly engaged couple" and "celebrate like crazy." Silly me.
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
19,456
Yay! What a wonderful engagement story!!!
 

audball

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 2, 2008
Messages
4,946
Yay!! Congrats! I''m so glad it worked out so perfectly...beautiful ring!
 

xoxo

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
185
congratulations!
so glad everything worked out and have a fun trip.
 

Winks_Elf

Brilliant_Rock
Trade
Joined
Nov 28, 2008
Messages
1,674
Awe, well done! Congratulations on the engagement.
 

Iowa Lizzy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 2, 2008
Messages
1,667
Such a great story!! And that ring is a drop dead stunner!!! Holy Guacamole!

Enjoy your trip and each other''s company!!!
 

jcarlylew

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2008
Messages
3,899
wow that is a stunner!
congrats with the proposals! some of the best proposals come from the ones that none of the plans worked out :)

enjoy your vacation!!
 
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