Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Surprise Wedding!

MarlonN

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 14, 2016
Messages
47
I have been thinking about all the different ways that one could pop the questions, and I wondered if it might not be best to just surprise her with an actual wedding. Do you think this would be a good idea?
 

Shondra

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 15, 2016
Messages
46
I think that this is something that has to be approached with EXTREME caution. In as much as some women may like it, others may not, and even though you may think you know what your sweetheart would want, I still think that you would be better safe than sorry. Weigh all the pros and cons before you proceed.
 

chrono

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 22, 2004
Messages
37,365
She might enjoy the planning stage, want certain people invited / not invited, look pretty (makeup and dress) specially for this, photographer, etc. Probably not a good idea.
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
Personally, I would not like a surprise wedding.
It's far too risky in my opinion.
 

tyty333

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
21,668
MarlonN|1479906487|4101816 said:
I have been thinking about all the different ways that one could pop the questions, and I wondered if it might not be best to just surprise her with an actual wedding. Do you think this would be a good idea?

No...the two of you can surprise family and friends with a wedding but I would NEVER advise you to surprise her. She could resent
never having the wedding of her dreams. This is not something that should be planned by one person.
 

Rhea

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 20, 2007
Messages
6,249
A completely surprise wedding? I can't imagine many people liking that. A surprise on the guests? Sure! A surprise on the bride? Too risky.

No matter how down to earth or glitz she is, whether she's dreamed of this her entire life or would be happy eloping, most people would want some amount of say in when, where, why, and how. I can't imagine guests would be able to keep a secret (I know my mother and sister would have told me).
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
28,173
MarlonN|1479906487|4101816 said:
I have been thinking about all the different ways that one could pop the questions, and I wondered if it might not be best to just surprise her with an actual wedding. Do you think this would be a good idea?
If you two are already engaged, and she has expressed complete flexibility on wedding details and dates then ... a very cautious maybe, but I don't recommend it at all!

If she has not yet accepted your proposal of marriage then, HELL NO!
 

Rockinruby

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 27, 2013
Messages
2,740
I am not a fan of surprises in general so I don't think it would be my cup of tea. :nono: However, I have seen a few stories on surprise weddings earlier this year so maybe it's a growing trend? I read a story earlier this year where the guy planned the wedding off of his girl friend's Pinterest boards. I don't think most people would like it because they miss the planning and excitement of it. However, the bride would also miss a ton of stress. My vote would ultimately be not to do it, but you know your SO best. :wavey:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry...g-on-the-same-day_us_57e59a4ce4b08d73b8316944
 

LLJsmom

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 24, 2012
Messages
9,257
Don't. Just don't. Many women dream about a wedding. And surprising her may take away the whole processof planning a wedding, which comes along with the dream. It might seem romantic or fun to you, but most women view a wedding very differently from a man. The wedding = the fun of the PROCESS of picking a
1. dress
2. venue
3. flowers
4. menu
5. cake and tasting
6. guest list
7. bonding with bridesmaids
8. planning favors, programs, details
9. transportation
10.anticipation of the actual day
11.a gajillion people seeing her ring, and oohing and aahing over her ring, and making a big deal about it
12. the painfully joyous drama of all this wedding planning?

Need I go on??? You want to take away this WHOLE experience from her? And if she says yes, and it happens, you may have to deal with having taken this away from her for your WHOLE MARRIED LIFE. She may not tell you right away that she was disappointed that she didn't get to experience this, but I am quite certain that overtime, she may come to resent it. Probably not enough to divorce you, but enough to hold it over your head.
 

boerumbiddy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2013
Messages
529
Once, just once, I saw a surprise wedding on TV, but the decision to marry had already been made, as I recall, and there was some reason to do it in a hurry, like a looming military deployment. Does any of this apply in your case? If not, don't do it. You can marry on short notice if you both want to, but don't spring it on your bride if you really love her. It can look very much like a tribal abduction/power play.
 

Rhea

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 20, 2007
Messages
6,249
LLJsmom|1479920283|4101918 said:
Don't. Just don't. Many women dream about a wedding. And surprising her may take away the whole processof planning a wedding, which comes along with the dream. It might seem romantic or fun to you, but most women view a wedding very differently from a man. The wedding = the fun of the PROCESS of picking a
1. dress
I started to type that she may like it, only he knows best, my sister would have loved it yadda yadda yadda and then I stopped. The dress. THE dress. I wasn't able to let go of picking the dress. My sister has just spent countless hours trying on wedding dresses. On Don't Tell The Bride it's always the dress that sets a guy a few paces back. It's your number one on the above list.

If ever there was a reason not to do this, it's the dress.
 

PintoBean

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 27, 2011
Messages
6,378
Let's approach this financially and pragmatically. I think you should tally up the cost of all the elements that go into a wedding (listed in the replies above) and then decide if it's a financial risk that you would take/financial loss you can accept gambling away.
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 12, 2005
Messages
17,757
Would you also surprise her with a "hey, let's just go ahead and parachute out of this plane!" Good grief, man. It all sounds terribly romantic, but it's just not right to take control of another person's life like that. Way to set the tone for your marriage: you'll be the one making all the decisions without consulting her, and she's just along for the ride as your romantic accessory. You may have a little reflecting to do here, bro.
 

PintoBean

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 27, 2011
Messages
6,378
monarch64|1479929423|4101970 said:
Would you also surprise her with a "hey, let's just go ahead and parachute out of this plane!" Good grief, man. It all sounds terribly romantic, but it's just not right to take control of another person's life like that. Way to set the tone for your marriage: you'll be the one making all the decisions without consulting her, and she's just along for the ride as your romantic accessory. You may have a little reflecting to do here, bro.
Actually, monnie, I think that you are describing my dream relationship. As a child of a certain decade influenced by the likes of Liberace and Madonna, I've always aspired to be so wealthy that I end up with a pool boy (but no pool), a grape boy, a fan boy, etc. I really like the idea of a dumb stick with a boy toy attached that lets me control his life as my next husband. :appl: I REALLY REALLY DO! :love:
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
8,876
No. Just don't.

The whole planning and looking and choosing is huge. There were points I wished it was just done and I could just show up, but most I really enjoyed. It is also something to share with others as they plan. Those great moments of mothers and daughters and even grandmothers sharing what they went through in planning and how they picked.

Just no!

I mean, what next? I bought a house for us?
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 12, 2005
Messages
17,757
PintoBean|1479933605|4101993 said:
monarch64|1479929423|4101970 said:
Would you also surprise her with a "hey, let's just go ahead and parachute out of this plane!" Good grief, man. It all sounds terribly romantic, but it's just not right to take control of another person's life like that. Way to set the tone for your marriage: you'll be the one making all the decisions without consulting her, and she's just along for the ride as your romantic accessory. You may have a little reflecting to do here, bro.
Actually, monnie, I think that you are describing my dream relationship. As a child of a certain decade influenced by the likes of Liberace and Madonna, I've always aspired to be so wealthy that I end up with a pool boy (but no pool), a grape boy, a fan boy, etc. I really like the idea of a dumb stick with a boy toy attached that lets me control his life as my next husband. :appl: I REALLY REALLY DO! :love:
Oh darling, you never MARRY them! They become so boring after a few months; making it legal would only complicate things when you're ready for the next hot young thing! :lol: Kidding aside, I actually did sign a friend's high school yearbook with this: "I'll see you in 40 years, when I'll be lounging by my pool in my peignoir and maribou-trimmed heels, sipping my third martini of the day." Note that no pool boys, grape boys, or boy toys were mentioned. ;)) Easy come, easy go!
 

PintoBean

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 27, 2011
Messages
6,378
monarch64|1479935727|4102006 said:
PintoBean|1479933605|4101993 said:
monarch64|1479929423|4101970 said:
Would you also surprise her with a "hey, let's just go ahead and parachute out of this plane!" Good grief, man. It all sounds terribly romantic, but it's just not right to take control of another person's life like that. Way to set the tone for your marriage: you'll be the one making all the decisions without consulting her, and she's just along for the ride as your romantic accessory. You may have a little reflecting to do here, bro.
Actually, monnie, I think that you are describing my dream relationship. As a child of a certain decade influenced by the likes of Liberace and Madonna, I've always aspired to be so wealthy that I end up with a pool boy (but no pool), a grape boy, a fan boy, etc. I really like the idea of a dumb stick with a boy toy attached that lets me control his life as my next husband. :appl: I REALLY REALLY DO! :love:
Oh darling, you never MARRY them! They become so boring after a few months; making it legal would only complicate things when you're ready for the next hot young thing! :lol: Kidding aside, I actually did sign a friend's high school yearbook with this: "I'll see you in 40 years, when I'll be lounging by my pool in my peignoir and maribou-trimmed heels, sipping my third martini of the day." Note that no pool boys, grape boys, or boy toys were mentioned. ;)) Easy come, easy go!
Thank you sensei monnie - thou shalt not legally marry boy toys!
 

distracts

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 11, 2011
Messages
5,495
No. That sounds like a terrible idea.

Firstly - what if she says no? You stand to lose tons of money. Worse, what if she WANTS to say no but can't because you set all this up, so you get married, become miserable, and have to get divorced?

Secondly - The planning. Do you have any idea how much planning goes into a wedding? And how much money? How the heck are you going to invite people without her finding out? Do you know who she wants to invite? CAn you handle getting invitations to all them? How are THEY going to react to the wedding being a surprise? Can you handle fielding every single question about the wedding? Are you going to have a bridal party? Who are her bridesmaids going to be? How are you going to expect her best friends/sisters to keep this a secret from her and also forgo fun activities like bridal showers, bachelorette parties, etc? Is she going to wear a wedding dress and do you know her correct size? What food will you want to serve? What will your venue be? How will you pay for tens of thousands of dollars of expenses and deposits without her noticing? What photographer are you going to hire - what style of wedding photos will she want? How will you know if the makeup/hair artists are going to be able to do the right thing, or will you forgo them?

Thirdly - are her parents likely to be the type to be upset that THEY did not have a significant hand in planning their daughter's wedding? Tread carefully here - my mother is not at ALL materialistic and seems to not care about weddings and my dad seems very head-in-the-clouds but they cared a lot. Cutting her parents out, or not giving them the chance to plan this with their daughter, may make enemies of your in-laws for life.

I don't know what kind of wedding you want, or she wants. But unless you have a ceremony at your religious institution and reception at a restaurant - in which case you can maybe get away with $5k - you're probably looking at at least $20k in expenses for a typical wedding, potentially more if you are in a major US city, and even more if you are planning on short notice/not willing to take shortcuts. A lot of it is going to be nonrefundable. Is this an amount of money you are willing to spend for something she may not even like?
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198
Well, it depends on the person.

I was a cautious fiance. I accepted my husband's proposal. But I wanted a long engagement. I wasn't ready for marriage ASAP.

That said, despite being a control freak, one I was ready for the deed I would have loved it if someone had planned the dratted thing and all I had to do was show up!

Use EXTREME caution. If she has a sister... ask the sister.
 

Scandinavian

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 23, 2016
Messages
2,041
No. She could be OK with that, but then again she could be really sad about not getting to plan the wedding that she has kind of planned in her head since she was a little girl. So why would you risk making her sad?
 

MarlonN

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 14, 2016
Messages
47
I just had a talk with one of my friends who told me that the whole process of planning a wedding, as stressful as it may be sometimes, is one of the great things about getting married, and it's a way for the bride to start enjoying and appreciating her day even before it comes around, and so she would hate to be robbed of that experience.
 

Arcadian

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 17, 2008
Messages
7,031
I think I'm much more the exception than the rule. I didn't have dreams of big wedding when I was a little kid. I had NO dreams of weddings period! When we finally did the deed, we met at the courthouse during my extra long lunchbreak...lol a few months later, had a big ol party. No regrets.

You have to know your SO to know if they would be ok with a surprise wedding or not. I would ask her outright what she wanted so that you knew for sure.
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 2, 2006
Messages
10,226
The mother of a good friend of mine was married in a "surprise elopement" planned by her then-fiance in collusion with her best friend (her roommate at the time). The marriage lasted, but... when she told me about the elopement some 50 years later, there was still a touch of wryness and bitterness in the telling. Her daughter, likewise, seemed to share that bit of anger and dismay on her mother's behalf.
 

arkieb1

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 11, 2012
Messages
9,518
MarlonN|1479997111|4102231 said:
I just had a talk with one of my friends who told me that the whole process of planning a wedding, as stressful as it may be sometimes, is one of the great things about getting married, and it's a way for the bride to start enjoying and appreciating her day even before it comes around, and so she would hate to be robbed of that experience.
That's entirely it, most women (not all but the majority) want to buy their own dress, plan out their own weddings in every tiny detail, if you do it, then she loses to ability to be part of that experience, which might be important to her on some level. I'd also add that planning what you do going forward in life together both agreeing and disagreeing is a large part of successfully navigating being married.....
 

girlyglam

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 13, 2015
Messages
269
Rhea|1479924705|4101940 said:
LLJsmom|1479920283|4101918 said:
Don't. Just don't. Many women dream about a wedding. And surprising her may take away the whole processof planning a wedding, which comes along with the dream. It might seem romantic or fun to you, but most women view a wedding very differently from a man. The wedding = the fun of the PROCESS of picking a
1. dress
I started to type that she may like it, only he knows best, my sister would have loved it yadda yadda yadda and then I stopped. The dress. THE dress. I wasn't able to let go of picking the dress. My sister has just spent countless hours trying on wedding dresses. On Don't Tell The Bride it's always the dress that sets a guy a few paces back. It's your number one on the above list.

If ever there was a reason not to do this, it's the dress.
Huge second here. I just got married, and I honestly didn't care about a lot of the details. I have no vision of decor, flowers, cake, invitations, colors, programs, etc. But the dress!!! I had no real vision of what type of dress I wanted either, but I absolutely couldn't wait to try on and pick out my dress. It still stands out as probably my favorite part of wedding planning, and I would have been so so sad to miss out on that.

Bonding with the bridesmaids was also really special to me. A bit unexpected - I didn't really realize or think about the bonding opportunities a wedding brings, and not knowing that, I can't say I would have missed it (can you miss what you don't know?). But I am so glad I had that - definitely one of the best parts of the planning process.
 

lambskin

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
2,272
To obtain a marriage license you need to show ID, both parties need to be present and both have to sign the license. Most states require 24-48 hours waiting period after the marriage license is obtained before the ceremony. :read: There is a military waiver.
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 2, 2006
Messages
10,226
lambskin|1480043872|4102394 said:
To obtain a marriage license you need to show ID, both parties need to be present and both have to sign the license. Most states require 24-48 hours waiting period after the marriage license is obtained before the ceremony. :read: There is a military waiver.

Unless you happen to live in or near Nevada!
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198
It really depends. I'm an introvert but I actually do not mind hosting events probably because it was hammered into me by my extrovert mother. And also because I am in control of the guest list.

I didn't ever dream of my wedding either. It wasn't on my radar. I didn't plan out my dress. I didn't have dreams of dancing with my husband as everyone watched.

I would have been VERY happy with a NICE Vegas wedding and a dinner afterwards so long as all our immediate circle of friends and family could have made it. But my grandfather was not well enough to travel there and not having him at my wedding was unacceptable.

So I planned my wedding. Did I enjoy it? Parts of it were nice. But I won't lie, if I'd had the money to hire a planner or if there had been ANYONE I trusted enough to plan the dratted thing, I would have been happy to leave it them.

The best thing about my wedding planning? I waited to get married until I was old enough to have firm boundaries and the confidence to say no. My wedding plans were not hijacked by anyone (can you say "momzilla").

Here's what I suggest. Don't do a surprise wedding unless you are positive you can invite everyone that matters, give them the time to come, and KNOW that she would be okay with it.

BUT-- be the BEST groom ever. A lot of wedding planning is a HELL of making more decisions than should be legal. And it requires A LOT of research before you can even get to the decision making stage.

Research things you need, like: if you are having an outdoor wedding or even just an outdoor ceremony do you need a tent? What size tent? Who sets it up? What is the best company for rentals. Do you need the best? Or are they too pricey? Or if you don't need a tent, how about parasols for the sun? A water station? Should you provide the water? If you do, do you want custom labels? Where do you get custom labels.

See. HELL.
You have to research vendors, meet with them. Research what vendor contracts should contain and shouldn't. NEGOTIATE those contracts (most people suck at this, FYI).

You have to decide or consider deciding everything from the color of the grooms pocket square to the type of napkins.


So here's what I'd do, when you propose: Write her a "grooms vow" list. Promise to help her with all the planning (except her dress and appearance). AND research those vows carefully to see what really IS needed as a wedding planner.

Vow to go to all the venues with her. To help her negotiate the contracts you will both need. Vow to sit through endless pictures and portfolio's, to meet with and to select the right photographer.

And keep your vows.

To me, having a TRUE partner in the wedding planning. That would have been THE most romantic thing my groom could have promised me... if he meant it and delivered.
 
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    Three-stone engagement ring upgrade
    Three-stone engagement ring upgrade
    Vintage OEC Bracelet
    Vintage OEC Bracelet
    June’s Birthstone Trinity
    June’s Birthstone Trinity

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top