Stopped wearing the rings- Online Dating?

[Vera W]

Howdy Y'all,
Well marking my nearly 6th year of Widowhood, I have finally decided to take off the rings and try some online dating. I am very rusty in the subject of courtship as I was with my late husband for nearly 30 years.

So far on the dating websites, I have experienced a few Cat Fishers, but thankfully I have learned the signs of their deceitfulness and just keep hitting delete, delete, delete. Shame on those creeps that play on people's emotions.

There is one man who pursued me from the beginning whom I am building a friendship with, only the Lord knows where that will go.

I would love your input and advice if you are willing to share.

Thanks so much!! Have a fantastic day all my lovely PS peeps.

 

[RetroQT]

Howdy Y'all,
Well marking my nearly 6th year of Widowhood, I have finally decided to take off the rings and try some online dating. I am very rusty in the subject of courtship as I was with my late husband for nearly 30 years.

So far on the dating websites, I have experienced a few Cat Fishers, but thankfully I have learned the signs of their deceitfulness and just keep hitting delete, delete, delete. Shame on those creeps that play on people's emotions.

There is one man who pursued me from the beginning whom I am building a friendship with, only the Lord knows where that will go.

I would love your input and advice if you are willing to share.

Thanks so much!! Have a fantastic day all my lovely PS peeps.

I, too, was widowed. We had been married for 10-1/2 years when he was KIA (Iraq). So I do understand how the complete loss of a spouse feels (vs a divorce where you might still have contact).

I tried the free online date sites and got turned off to them pretty quickly. I felt like they didn’t really consider enough information before matching me with someone. Then I decided I’d try eHarmony since they claimed to take a more in-depth look at people before matching them. I went on a date with the second man I was matched with. We have been married for almost 12 years now.

That said, my advice would be to take your time talking and meeting people even online. They may not be a match romantically, but they may be a new friend for a reason or a season. And when you do meet the one that really seems like he could have potential, take a deep breath. You may feel some new grief feelings emerge and that’s normal. Your late husband will always be in your heart. Anyone new won’t take his place. He will just reside in your heart too because there is room for both. Trust me. You deserve to have happiness and love in your Chapter 2 life.

Best wishes!!!

 

[elizat]

I met my husband on Match. I tend to think you'll know when it's different. We had very long, detailed emails before meeting for a number of weeks. We also started texting before we met as well. We kind of stuck to the long detailed novellas for a good bit and then moved to texting. When we did actually meet in person, it felt like we already knew each other, if that makes sense at all. I didn't do the free sites, because I felt like if someone had to pay, then they'd be more sincere maybe.

FWIW, my search filter didn't pick him up. I had picked never married, no kids and I ended up with a single divorced dad. Wouldn't change it. So, if you have someone that doesn't quite meet your search filters, don't disregard it either.

I'd focus on looking for someone you enjoy talking to and look forward to receiving the emails/messages- that's a really good start. Wishing you good luck!

 

[Austina]

No advice, just wanted to wish you luck and say good for you for getting out there again. It’s a huge step, but I truly hope you find happiness again. Be safe, but have fun.

 

[Jambalaya]

Hi Vera!

Online dating...well, it's like many things: can be wonderful, can be terrible.

A really positive thing is that you get to meet people from walks of life that you would NEVER have met otherwise.

One good tip is to say EXACTLY what you want in your bio, and what you don't want. This will match you with suitable dates much quicker, and save you a lot of time. For example, if you don't want to date men with minor children, state that upfront. If you want someone who's teetotal, make it very clear. Being transparent about what you're looking for in a partner and what level of relationship will save you a LOT of time, not least in getting too attached to someone with whom you're fundamentally incompatible. Never want to get married again? Say it upfront. Ultimately looking for a life partner? Again, make it very clear.

I have heard that e-harmony is the site to go to for people who are serious about dating - ie not just looking for hook-ups or casual stuff. And I think you're bound to get a better pool of suitors with a service you have to pay for.

If someone is never available on a Saturday night and never invites you to their house, that's a huge red flag that the person is already in a relationship.

Lastly, don't let the men on the sites make out that you owe them messages when you've never exchanged a word, or get annoyed if you bow out of a chat after a few messages. They will take up all of your time if you let them. In the initial stages of messaging, you owe them no explanation. If something about them turns you off, just delete and ignore further messages. When I was doing this, if someone messaged me and I wasn't attracted to their photo, I simply didn't reply. It's not rude; 1) you've never exchanged a word, 2) if you reply to everyone you're not interested in you'll be there all day, and many men take any response as encouragement.

Many men asked to see my photos without exchanging a word, and I just deleted all those messages. I thought it was hugely rude to ask to see my photos without messaging me, and showed no regard for the safety issues women face when online dating. I wouldn't show my photos until we'd established a rapport.

Basically, I deleted every message unless I was really interested in the guy initially, and then stopped communicating after one or two messages if the initial contact turned me off. You have to be ruthless or this pursuit will eat your time up like a hungry monster!

If you meet up with someone and don't want to take it further, a nice follow-up message after a date or two is to simply say that you don't feel a spark. And you owe them no further explanation.

What I'm saying is, a lot of men will try to press you, in terms of frequent messaging or wanting explanations if you don't want to pursue them. Guard your time and don't let them press you.

It goes without saying that the first few days should be in public and that you shouldn't give out your details. The messaging service Telegram is good for hiding your phone number.

About meeting pyschos, that can happen anywhere, and the best defense is to take things slowly.

Good luck! Online dating can be a lot of fun!

 

[missy]

I have no experience online dating but I just want to wish you the best @Vera W and also echo what @Jambalaya wrote. There are psychos everywhere and you are increasing your playing field if you go to online dating. And that means increasing the potential to meet a quality person. Just be careful and do have fun with it. You deserve a worthy companion to go through life with if that is what your heart desires. And I too am very sorry for your loss. Gentle ((((Hugs))) and all the best.

 

[Calliecake]

Wishing you every happiness Vera.

 

[Gussie]

Good luck Vera! You deserve the very best!

 

[dk168]

If you are using a site with private messaging facility to communicate with the gents, DO NOT let them persuade you to stop using this facility because it is easier to communicate using the likes of WhatsApp or FB Messenger, etc. etc...

As soon as you leave the site, they can block you and you will not be able to find their profile in order to complain to the site should anything goes wrong.

My survival mechanism was that, as soon as a prospective gent asked me for money for whatever purpose, I clamed shut and walked away.

I had been scammed before, twice, not much, however, it hurt me deeply as my trust was mis-guided, and was wearing black-out glasses and not just rose-tinted ones!

Be careful with false claims about how well off/educated he might be. If they are truly that well off then they should not have a cash flow issue. If they do, then sorry, that's just bad planning on their part!

Ask to contact them late at night to test if they are genuinely single.

Be wary of cut and paste responses when you are chatting with a gent - it could be a sign that he has some scripts ready to hand.

As for photos, if they are intimate in nature, DO NOT show any identifiable marks/face that could link them to you for fear of being blackmailed.

Be wary of the possibility of a video call being recorded!

There are some really nasty people out there who would taken advantage of someone's insecurity and kindness.

Don't feel guilty not being able to help them with money. Don't let them make you feel bad about not being able to meet their requests.

Do not disclose any financial information about yourself. I made the mistake of mentioning I was a professional, independent and living comfortably. BAD MISTAKE!

Walk away if you are uncomfortable.

If you decide to meet, meet for a drink first, in a public place that is familiar to you.

Go Dutch and pay your own way so that you do not feel you owe your date anything.

I don't mean to be an alarmist, however, I have had some bad experience with internet dating.

Nowadays I am happy on my own, going out and about doing my own things as and when the mood takes me.

Good luck!

DK

 

[MissGotRocks]

@Vera W - don’t stop looking until you find someone just as wonderful as you are! Just take your time to really get to know someone you might be interested in - hopefully meet both his friends and family. I wish you all the best in your quest!!

 

[Lookinagain]

never accept just one or two photos. Try to get photos showing something current and recognizable so you know it is an actual new photo of the person. Many photos you are given are years old and the people don't even begin to look like that now. Even worse, it's not their actual photo as they can copy them from anywhere.
Please be very careful. Online dating has worked very well for some people I know. Not for others. Unfortunately, you need to be suspicious. meet for coffee/ daytime somewhere once or twice and if you can have a friend sitting across the room during that time, you may feel more secure. And unlike what @MissGotRocks says, if you tire of it, or find it too much work, there's nothing wrong with giving up. Everyone doesn't have to have a partner. Many people are quite happy being single. Some even prefer it.

 

[MissGotRocks]

never accept just one or two photos. Try to get photos showing something current and recognizable so you know it is an actual new photo of the person. Many photos you are given are years old and the people don't even begin to look like that now. Even worse, it's not their actual photo as they can copy them from anywhere.
Please be very careful. Online dating has worked very well for some people I know. Not for others. Unfortunately, you need to be suspicious. meet for coffee/ daytime somewhere once or twice and if you can have a friend sitting across the room during that time, you may feel more secure. And unlike what @MissGotRocks says, if you tire of it, or find it too much work, there's nothing wrong with giving up. Everyone doesn't have to have a partner. Many people are quite happy being single. Some even prefer it.

I have had the pleasure of meeting Vera. My comment was to ‘not stop looking until she found someone as wonderful as she is’ - a compliment to Vera. Not meant that she had to keep looking until she found someone. She has a lovely family and I am sure she would be happy with or without a partner. However, she has decided to give dating a try and I wish her all the best!

 

[kenny]

Sorry I have no experience with online dating.
I just wanted to wish you all the best at finding that special person.
You deserve it!

Do be careful.
Don't trust anyone who wants you to bring them a bag of free big diamonds.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Vera, any gentleman would be luck to make your acquaintance!

That being said, online dating is not for the faint of heart. My own experience involved a midget, a guy with one eye, someone who "forgot" that his 13 year old daughter lived with him since her mother had just passed away, a guy who showed with with a pug in a baby stroller, and someone who scared me so badly that I slept with a butcher nice beside the bed for six months.

But I also went out for a year with a perfectly lovely intellectual property attorney (rousing discussions about patents and copyright!), six and a half years with the CB, and I'm moving into year five with TR. So there are some decent ones out there and you can find them through the magic of the internet.

Just take everything with a grain of salt and definitely report back!

 

[kenny]

... I slept with a butcher nice beside the bed for six months. ...

You slept with a nice butcher for six months?
Seeeeee how you ARE!?!

 

[VRBeauty]

I don’t have any personal experience with online dating. However, a church friend of mine went on a Christian-oriented dating site after his wife of many years passed away, and eventually married someone he met there from the other side of the country… so it can work. As an aside - both are quite liberal in both worldview and theology, so I suspect that no matter what site you use, it’s a question of being up-front about who you are and who you are looking for.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Ionysis]

Vera, any gentleman would be luck to make your acquaintance!

That being said, online dating is not for the faint of heart. My own experience involved a midget, a guy with one eye, someone who "forgot" that his 13 year old daughter lived with him since her mother had just passed away, a guy who showed with with a pug in a baby stroller, and someone who scared me so badly that I slept with a butcher nice beside the bed for six months.

But I also went out for a year with a perfectly lovely intellectual property attorney (rousing discussions about patents and copyright!), six and a half years with the CB, and I'm moving into year five with TR. So there are some decent ones out there and you can find them through the magic of the internet.

Just take everything with a grain of salt and definitely report back!

Wow you are super brave. Not about the butcher knife - to embark on relationships that start and end. If my marriage was to break up I think that would be the last break up I could ever contemplate dealing with. The idea of having serial relationships thereafter honestly terrifies me. I’d rather stay alone forever. I’m such a coward.

 

[Austina]

Having seen several programmes about women getting scammed, I echo all of @dk168 advice. One of the things mentioned in the programme was doing a reverse image search, so if you’re getting photos from people, you can always check where they’ve actually come from. One lady thought she was in a relationship with a hot, young model, and when she reverse image searched him, turned out to be a stock photo of a hot, young model!!!

I’m too much of a cynic that I wouldn’t believe anyone giving me a sob story and asking for money, it would be an instant turn off for me.

 

[Dee*Jay]

You slept with a nice butcher for six months?
Seeeeee how you ARE!?!

Yes, he was quite a nice butcher! Very *sharp* and with a large and sturdy... uh... *handle*. German fella; name was Wusthof. (His middle and last name were apparently Autocorrect and Fail. Knife... nice... next thing you know my phone will have me saying things about my niece!)

Lyonsis, I get ya. But for some reason I'm not bothered by the idea that relationships end. MORE bothersome to me is the idea of being with one person for.ev.er.

But back to Vera. Can we help you write a profile?!

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Howdy Y'all,
Well marking my nearly 6th year of Widowhood, I have finally decided to take off the rings and try some online dating. I am very rusty in the subject of courtship as I was with my late husband for nearly 30 years.

So far on the dating websites, I have experienced a few Cat Fishers, but thankfully I have learned the signs of their deceitfulness and just keep hitting delete, delete, delete. Shame on those creeps that play on people's emotions.

There is one man who pursued me from the beginning whom I am building a friendship with, only the Lord knows where that will go.

I would love your input and advice if you are willing to share.

Thanks so much!! Have a fantastic day all my lovely PS peeps.

good luck (and be careful)
maybe just like in real life build a solid genuine friendship first ?

 

[SparklieBug]

Vera, any gentleman would be luck to make your acquaintance!

That being said, online dating is not for the faint of heart. My own experience involved a midget, a guy with one eye, someone who "forgot" that his 13 year old daughter lived with him since her mother had just passed away, a guy who showed with with a pug in a baby stroller, and someone who scared me so badly that I slept with a butcher nice beside the bed for six months.

Okay, @Dee*Jay, the above paragraph is totally a Tom Waits song in real life! LOL!

Best wishes to you, @Vera W! I have several female friends who joined online dating sites and had not great "luck", in that there were a lot of guys who misrepresented themselves. I suppose it happens with both men and women?

I also know several people who met their significant others/spouses online, and have been happily married for years.

 

[Calliecake]

Oh my gosh @Dee*Jay. You could write a book!

 

[Karl_K]

Wishing you all the best Vera!!!!

 

[dk168]

The first Tinder gent was VERY persuasive, using the age old excuse about cashflow issue to try and get me to pay for his flights so that he could come and pay me a visit.

When I said no, he threw a wobbly, citing I was being a fake with no intention of meeting people, and out to play games with people's feelings, and not trust-worthy etc. etc...

Initially I felt very bad about it, he made me feel bad about not heling him!

However, at the time, I really did not have many spare pennies to spare. Apart from apologising, there was not a lot to do.

He kept chatting to me, and slowly and surely, he was bringing the conversation back to the old track about his cashflow issue and how much he wanted to come and pay me a visit.

I could see what he was doing and played along with it, and when he asked me to help him with his flights again, I said no, and blocked him.

The second one also had cashflow issue, showed me a cheque written out to him in millions of USD that for some reasons he could not cash.

He asked for a few thousands of USD to help him out with a business traction and I said no and blocked him.

With the third one, I forewarned him right from the start that if he wanted money from me then I shall block him without any hesitation. We chatted a bit more, then he revealed that he was going to ask me to help him financially, so that was the end of it.

The lesson I learnt is never to review my financial situation to anyone I do not know well. DO NOT include financial details in your online dating profile as I had already mentioned. Nothing about having your own home, being solvent, etc. etc...

Not an issue for me anymore as I cannot be bothered with throwing nets into a vast ocean trying to find a nice fish. Too busy working and socialising on my own to have time to spare for that.

I shan't say never never, however, the chances of someone ticking some of the many boxes for me is very low, let alone all the boxes!

The last gentleman friend I had was someone I already knew socially. It lasted about 9 months. I was resenting having spent nearly all my free time at weekends when I was home after working some distance away, in order to be with him, doing the things he liked to do, so that I could spend time with him.

A lot of the time, I was with him to please him at events that I did not particularly enjoy.

He hardly ever reciprocated except for one event that I was involved with (a performance of the choir I sang with).

In the end, enough was enough, and we had a big argument over an incident involving a mutual acquaintance. We were adult enough to realise it was not working, so we parted company amicably.

We are still friends, and remain friends with our joint social circle of drinking pals and friends.

I consider that episode as a lucky escape, as had we continued for longer, the resentment would only grow resulting in a big and nasty bang! Put it mildly, one of us could get very hurt, and that would not be me, and joint friends in our social circle said the same thing - they had bets that I would be the one to come out alive!

That was 3 years ago, and I am happily single doing my own things as and when it pleases me.

As I had said before, good luck to the OP, and be careful, very careful.

I hate to use this phrase, however, don't be a doormat to anyone!

DK

 

[dk168]

How about joining social groups and charitable organisations so as to expand your social circle?

Meetup.com is great as I can pick and choose groups and events that interest me.

My last gentleman friend was and still is one of my drinking pals at one of the pub that I frequent in town.

Being involved with groups like choirs, local charitable organisations, and being a member of a few groups on Meetup (and event organiser for 2 groups), keeps me very busy, and I honestly do not feel I am missing out on life without a significant other.

May be I am just too selfish at my old age to be bothered to try and fit into someone else's life nowadays.

Each to their own and all that.

DK

 

[Ibrakeforpossums]

Widowed as well, here to say there is life out there. The free sites are frightening but I've heard eHarmony is very good and worth the money.
Friendship, I liked Mr. Car Parts before I was attracted to him. I was actually warned by a friend that he's "an average Joe." But attraction came on and ten years later I can't get over how handsome he is.
Character and humor are qualities that endure. You sound like a very smart woman - all the best to you!

 

[Jambalaya]

I'm shocked about the horror stories....I never experienced anything like that. But in the two years I was online dating, I only met up with four people.

A great website called Truthfinder helped me avoid the horror shows. It tells you everything about the person, including their basic financial status (i.e. any bankruptcies), whether they own their home, and - most importantly - whether they have a criminal record. Oh- and 90% of men you meet online are lying about their age. I wouldn't date without membership to a site like that. It tells you EVERYTHING about the person in terms of the basics, and it also has a feature where you can hide your own info. from popping up in anyone else's searches. Truthfinder is how I found out about all the age lies. Three years is no biggie, but two people had knocked off TEN YEARS! Not cool!

 

[Vera W]

I, too, was widowed. We had been married for 10-1/2 years when he was KIA (Iraq). So I do understand how the complete loss of a spouse feels (vs a divorce where you might still have contact).

I tried the free online date sites and got turned off to them pretty quickly. I felt like they didn’t really consider enough information before matching me with someone. Then I decided I’d try eHarmony since they claimed to take a more in-depth look at people before matching them. I went on a date with the second man I was matched with. We have been married for almost 12 years now.

That said, my advice would be to take your time talking and meeting people even online. They may not be a match romantically, but they may be a new friend for a reason or a season. And when you do meet the one that really seems like he could have potential, take a deep breath. You may feel some new grief feelings emerge and that’s normal. Your late husband will always be in your heart. Anyone new won’t take his place. He will just reside in your heart too because there is room for both. Trust me. You deserve to have happiness and love in your Chapter 2 life.

Best wishes!!!

Thanks so much @RetroQT My condolences on the loss of your first husband. I am honored by his service to our country. I appreciate your insight and will take it to heart. Congratulations on the blessing of your 12 years of marital bliss.

 

[Vera W]

I met my husband on Match. I tend to think you'll know when it's different. We had very long, detailed emails before meeting for a number of weeks. We also started texting before we met as well. We kind of stuck to the long detailed novellas for a good bit and then moved to texting. When we did actually meet in person, it felt like we already knew each other, if that makes sense at all. I didn't do the free sites, because I felt like if someone had to pay, then they'd be more sincere maybe.

FWIW, my search filter didn't pick him up. I had picked never married, no kids and I ended up with a single divorced dad. Wouldn't change it. So, if you have someone that doesn't quite meet your search filters, don't disregard it either.

I'd focus on looking for someone you enjoy talking to and look forward to receiving the emails/messages- that's a really good start. Wishing you good luck!

Awww. Thank you @elizat I love hearing how you traveled the journey with writing detailed emails and text messages. It makes perfect sense to me. I am so glad your filters didn't make you miss your true love. Congratulations!

 

[Vera W]

No advice, just wanted to wish you luck and say good for you for getting out there again. It’s a huge step, but I truly hope you find happiness again. Be safe, but have fun.

Thank you so much @Austina I will take all your well wishes and genuinely appreciate you.