Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices?

[Tuckins1]

Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

Not so much... DH and I pretty much do what we want and what we think is right. We still talk about some things with our parents because we actually like them and value their opinions, but in the end, we do what we want, regardless of what their opinion is. I've always been headstrong, even since I was a very little girl. Always wanted to be independent and figure things out for myself. I have since learned to think things through and use logic when making crucial decisions, but still am head strong and need to make my own decisions, regardless of other peoples' thoughts on the matter.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

No. This has been a huge change for me. Until around 2 years ago, I was frightened to death to tell them about certain choices: leaving the corporate career, going on a sabbatical and even introducing my boyfriend to them. I felt sure they wouldn't approve, that they would criticize me, etc. Then, with a lot of help from therapy, I start to recognize that these were more my fears than reality.

Today, I want to hear my parents' opinions and views but as input. Not being afraid of reproach doesn't mean I don't value their views.

 

[TC1987]

Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

8. The second or third spouse ... hehe, my first one was not such a good pick. I expect if I ever announce intent to marry a second time, I'll get "Marry?! Again? Oh, you know it's unlucky for you!" Like the Cher's family in Moonstruck, lol.

 

[nkarma]

Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

Nope, not at all. My parents are actually great about letting me and my siblings live our lives. They don't have boundary issues like SO MANY parents I hear about on PS or elsewhere. Plus I'm a very confident person, so even if they did question my choices, it wouldn't bother me at all.

Agreed. I don't worry in the slightest what my parents will think about what I do - I figure they raised me to be a strong, confident person, it's kind of too late for them to decide they don't like it!

I will admit, they usually see how things are going to end far before I do, but they let me figure it out and take as many wrong turns as I need. They're kind of like a welcoming party when I get to where I'm going. But even if that weren't the case, I'd just smile and wave from wherever I am.

My goal in life is to be like both of your parents. You are very lucky to have them.

I grew up with a very critical mother who still is. Now I censor what I say around her and know exactly how she is going to respond to most things. I wish she would just let me be, but I look forward to a lifetime of this. My MIL is also from a culture where you comment on everything your kids do forever as well. So I can't wait until DH and I have kids....we will probably give the baby the wrong food, discipline, color of clothes, etc.... To me it is exhausting and I just want to scream shut the hell up! I actually do to my mom sometimes and she has laid off a little bit. Not sure I feel comfortable saying that to my MIL so I just smile and say yep to whatever she says. I wish it didn't bother me as much as it does. I don't change my actions based on their feedback....I do whatever I want.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

My parents are very different. I could tell my mom anything, and she was my best friend, and keep secrets for me. My Dad on the other hand is 10 years older than my mom, yet seems generations apart. He is extremely old school, and wants us to consult him and get his approval on everything, especially choice of spouse. He almost disowned me several times due to my choices of boyfriends (They HAVE to be a certain ethnicity, even more specifically need to be from a specific country) and they have to have a higher level of eductaion, they need to be from an intact family (parents still married), they have to have secure career choices (no artists/musicians/even graphic designers).....

Anyway, I won't go on about all the stuff I went through, but I can say I WAS scared of what my dad had to say about my choices, but in the end, he had my best interest at heart, and I followed about 80% of his advice, and I turned out okay. i'm doing well, and he's proud of some of my choices, in fact he's proud of the where I work, what I buy, and the place I chose to live, because it's a reflection of his success in raising me-in HIS opinion!

 

[KaeKae]

Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

No. Mom died when I was in my early teens, so it's been decades. I would love to know what she thinks of me and my life, but clearly, that's not possible. My father was a different story. He was a controlling single parent and refused to accept when I was old enough to make my own decisions, that resulted in a parting of ways. He passed away about 18 years ago, so it's no longer an issue. I did what I knew was right, have made good choices for myself, and have the support of the rest of my family. That leaves the rest. My brother and his wife, and my dear aunt, who has been a support system always. They are great. If they don't agree with my choices, they have kept it to themselves, just as I do the same. It's funny that SIL is like that, as I know her own family can be quite the opposite, but maybe it's something she appreciates about her in-laws. My own in-laws are mostly the same. It's going to be difficult as auntie and the in-laws get older and need us to take over some of their decision making, but that's another thread. One I may start soon.

 

[justginger]

Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

My parents have always been accepting and approving. Even when I made the decision to move to Australia and get married, they supported me through the eventual divorce and never once suggested that it was a poor decision. I am very lucky to have them.

Even now, whatever I decide, they are happy for me. Holidays, they love seeing the photos and getting postcards. Thinking of buying a block, they gush over possible house plans. Inundating my house with a million cats, they 'share' my animal rescue posts on FB. Going back to uni, and I'm the cleverest girl in the world.

Basically, my parents rock. I couldn't disappoint them if I tried.

 

[gregchang35]

Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

It is refreshing to read how some parents care to the point of interfering and others to the point of trusting their children to do what is right for them. The varied confidence that it gives ppl is amazing on different levels.

I can't begrudge for my family's concern; they would not be family if they didn't look out for me. It is how we interpret their concern is the difference. I will echo Lady Disdain post:

No. This has been a huge change for me. Until around 2 years ago, I was frightened to death to tell them about certain choices: leaving the corporate career, going on a sabbatical and even introducing my boyfriend to them. I felt sure they wouldn't approve, that they would criticize me, etc. Then, with a lot of help from therapy, I start to recognize that these were more my fears than reality.

Today, I want to hear my parents' opinions and views but as input. Not being afraid of reproach doesn't mean I don't value their views.

It is hard to change the mind set that they seem to be interfering. However, the more i think that they are their opinions, concerns and expressing them for us to reconsider; the better it becomes.

We have recently purchased a new home and my parents and siblings have all chimed in- are you absolutely sure that you can do this? this coming year is going to be stressful as it is with the birth of our second child (yay to that!!!). What about this, that.. have you even considered this...i have grave doubts about what you guys are about to go into, in other words= financial ruin. Sometimes they asks questions about affordability and i don't know the answer, so that makes them even more concerned. I get that. but it is how it makes me feel afterwards that is one that i have to work with.

I know we have done the right thing for our family and both DH and I are excited about all of this. That is the main thing. Family may not agree and they are looking out for our interests; which i am beginning to see it as their expression of love- to make sure that i/we are happy and wont be going into a situation that is going to be out of our depths and cant recover= sorta like a reality check.

Glad to know that our situation is no different out there.
Thanx for the stories and support.

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