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Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices?

gregchang35

gregchang35

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 11, 2012
Messages
3,416
How many ppl here still, to some degree, fear what your parents (if they are alive) or siblings will say with your purchases or lifestyle choices?
I am only interested in family, not friends opinions.

for example (not an exhaustive list) :
1) E ring- the size and money spent on it
2) the 2nd or 3rd upgrade
3) new car
4) new house
5) moving to a different area
6) change in career
7) how often you go away for holidays

I still do. We grew up fairly modestly and struggled. My mum and dad were savers and did not spend a lot of money. If it was for us, they would spend cautiously- not that we would know that we were struggling, but now as i am a parent, i realise how much they had sacrificed for us.

At this stage in my life, i have a great career and am really lucky that I can go out and buy myself a treat (within reason) if i wanted to. So, when it comes to big purchases like cars and house, i still fear, to a certain extent, what my parents/ family will say about how i spent the money. No one in the family understands bling- oh well. I get that they are all about saving and spending on the kids for their education, sports or what ever they are interested in. I also get that we should enjoy the life as well. The good thing is i do not really have the same fear for my friends thoughts as i do family.

Any one out there feel the same?
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

Not so much of what my parents would say as what my in-laws would think.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

My parents worked hard their entire lives (still do) and I'm fortunate that they're pretty awesome, HOWEVER.....

I am almost 40 and I still:
1) Cover up my tattoos on my back, out of respect
2) Hide my numerous ear piercings, out of respect
3) Worry about what they might or are going to say about the vacations I take
4) Dread the day that I tell them I want to quit my government job in DC, and move to sunny San Diego :sun:

Will I ever feel like a grown up????? :?
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

LOL All 7 items, plus comments about my weight/diet, and reproductive choices (you HAVE to have 2 kid. :confused: Really? You only had ONE!)

I just got an earful the other day about spending $$$ on my honeymoon, and don't forget all the unnecessary comparisons to my cousins... your COUSIN didn't go on a $$$ honeymoon. Really? He had TWO wedding receptions. One in Taiwan, and one in some country club near Seattle. Oh yeah, and they moved up their wedding 6 months b/c his wife was PREGNANT - 3 months pregnant for the first ceremony and 5 months for the second. I think they had the honeymoon... early... ;-)
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

Sort of afraid... I don't know if afraid is the word but when they chime in, it definitely affects me! My parents are SUCH savers, my dad a borderline hoarder andcan't let go of some things even when they are broken like toasters etc., they have a large 20 something year old house never renovated but things are starting to fall apart and my dad prefers to just patch things up instead of dishing out any $ to fix properly... but anyhow, I don't hide any of my piercings or tattoos because it is a personal style choice... they never bugged me about it but they, especially my mom, chimes in onhow i spend. Any of my bling purchases I will never flat out and share but I won't lie either... this is how I make myself happy and I am a big saver on everything else. My hubby is a huge saver which impresses my parents especially since he isn't Chinese LOL.... hmm... come to think of it, my parents aren't quite as intrusive as others may be. I am also lucky that my inlaws don't say anything much about our spending... they themselves are totally clueless on money handling so....yeah lol.


I suppose my parents are in the middle... not extreme either way, but I was definitely brought up the traditional Chinese way so I understand what it is like with parents kind of being controlling!!

How about them piping in during your dating years and picking a SO!? Those were kind of hellish years for me sometimes!

As an adolescent, with my weight fluctuating, my mom would downright say I was fat and stop eating so much while I was in my early teens with a fragile hormonal ego...I hated growing up as a teenager trying to fit in, with such conservative parents not lettng me date nor hang out with friends after school or on weekends.

I honestly feel, and I tell me DH all the time, that I always listened to my parents growing up. I behaved like the perfect daughter, did well in school, did the extra curriculars, found a good career, got married, bought a house etc... did everything in the "good order" even though it wasn't how I really wanted it... now whatever I decide and want to do, I worked hard for it and deserved it despite what my patents would think. I feel like they now need to learn to respect my decision making now... I no longer live under their roof so I make my own decisions now.

Ouf! Sorry for this LONG post! I have lots of time on my hands sitting at a cafe waiting to pick my baby up from daycare!
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

I don't care what my parents think of me. At all.

Having said that, they love my choice of career, husband, house and pretty much everything I do. They want me to have kids now, but they don't pester anymore. I didn't care when they pestered either, but it's all good now.

It's funny how someone who cares not a jot ends up having parents that live and let live.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

Not afraid so much as that I don't want to deal with their disapproval. It's hard for me to say "I understand that you don't agree with the choice I made, and I did listen to your perspective, but I made what I think was the best decision for ME".....

I would imagine that when I'm in my 60s and my parents are in their 80s, nothing will have changed. :errrr:
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

I have amazingly supportive parents, who have been known to send me flowers out of the blue to say "I'm proud of you." But, they are all four (bio parents both remarried) highly educated and successful, and they do pass judgement on the people I'm around and how I spend my leisure time. For instance, if I mention a friend, the first question is almost always "What do they do for a living?" and my step-father in particular places a TON of importance on whether people have a college degree and where they went to school, which I find ridiculous. Also they comment on things like what TV shows I watch, what I read, whether I watch the news and what channel, how up on current events I am..

All this to say, I do care what they think. I still go to them for advice and definitely welcome their opinions, especially on financial matters. I consider myself lucky to have parents that place such significance on education and mental well-being, but I do find them a tad too judgemental sometimes.

SO's parents are FAR more casual and easy to be with sometimes, they're also much younger than my parents; but I would not want to switch, because his parents don't give him any real guidance and never have serious conversations or talk about their feelings. I'm glad I have the best of both worlds with my parents and his!
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

Oh and also, none of our parents love the fact that we live together before marriage and have for over five years. But they all are very accepting and caring and never make disparaging remarks or anything like that.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

I am not... not since I got married at 25. They also don't really comment on my lifestyles or things I buy/do. My mom does comment on some kids related stuffs, and explaining to her that it's done for my kids' safety works. She, in turn, tells my sister that is how it's should be done. LOL.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

Nope, not at all. My parents are actually great about letting me and my siblings live our lives. They don't have boundary issues like SO MANY parents I hear about on PS or elsewhere. Plus I'm a very confident person, so even if they did question my choices, it wouldn't bother me at all.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

My mom has definitely made comments in the past implying that I would already be engaged to my SO if I didn't have such high expectations - which is NOT true. I make it a point not to where designer labels around her because she makes it known that she believes i'm frivolousness. She has said MANY times that she thinks I have "changed" since moving to NYC. Definitely not true I have just been growing and turning into an adult. Sigh...

I would also say I'm always a little nervous to bring up my career to them in fear that they will criticize whatever opportunity i'm considering looking into. There was a start-up that I was considering interviewing with and I was yelled at for even toying with the option of leaving my current company.

It's tough because I still feel relatively young (25) but I'm also living in a city with my SO and our dog. It's really a feeling of being in limbo - for both me and my parents I suppose! :?
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

I'm going through this right now. The SO and I are buying our first house together. One place we're very interested in has received lots of comments from my parents, lots of criticism (too much sidewalk to shovel, it doesn't have a big enough backyard, the street is too busy, get a lawyer and draw up an agreement about how much each of you is contributing). Some of the advice is good, some of it isn't but regardless I find it difficult that they're not completely on board about our decisions. They're trying to protect me (and SO) but sometimes we wish the critique would stop.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

My parents were horrible with money, parenting, and just about everything. While they are good people they never should have had children- responsiblity and managing anything is not their strength. I moved out at 16 and we have had a strained relationship since. After having children they now want more to do with me then they have in the past but we (DH and I) still keep them at arms length. This might sound harsh to some but it is my choice. So to answer your question I care more about my dogs opinions with my choices then I do my parents. While I love them I have long since realized that my choices are that- just mine.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

maccers|1360083320|3372817 said:
I'm going through this right now. The SO and I are buying our first house together. One place we're very interested in has received lots of comments from my parents, lots of criticism (too much sidewalk to shovel, it doesn't have a big enough backyard, the street is too busy, get a lawyer and draw up an agreement about how much each of you is contributing). Some of the advice is good, some of it isn't but regardless I find it difficult that they're not completely on board about our decisions. They're trying to protect me (and SO) but sometimes we wish the critique would stop.
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I know exactly how you feel. A lot of the times they offer this "advice" with the assumption that we haven't thought through all of those things already. Just because the house may not have the backyard size THEY prefer doesn't mean that you shouldn't want it. So frustrating!
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

thing2of2|1360081004|3372780 said:
Nope, not at all. My parents are actually great about letting me and my siblings live our lives. They don't have boundary issues like SO MANY parents I hear about on PS or elsewhere. Plus I'm a very confident person, so even if they did question my choices, it wouldn't bother me at all.
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Pretty much the same here. I do care about what my parents think, because I love them and don't want to hurt them, but it comes second to what I need to do in my own life. For example, I know my parents aren't thrilled that DH and I moved across the country and bought a house here (dashing their hopes that we would come back after a year) but that's just the way it is. They never tried to interfere, though, and I generally just tell them of my/our decisions without asking for input or allowing debate. DH and I live a very different lifestyle than my parents do, but the only time they ever really say anything is about how much we eat at restaurants (and I happen to agree with them, but haven't totally won that battle with DH yet). I think distance helps though -- they don't know that much about my day-to-day life because I haven't lived within 4 hours of them since I finished college. If they lived down the street, maybe there would be more opportunity for conflict?
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

My dad passed away, but my mom is still around, sort of. She vanished and I was the one who found her after many years. She asked me all about my life and regardless of what I have done or how I parent my kids, she tells me what I've done wrong and what I can do instead. I have to say it bothers me when she still critisizes my choices, but I would NEVER EVER alter my decisions based on her comments or advice! She was gone for too many years and was too controlling before then, so now when she says I should be doing X instead of Y, I just ignore her. I told her I'd send her pictures of the kids and she instructed me on what kinds of pictures I am to send her. I honestly do not care if she "requires" certain kinds (she wants portraits). I'll send her what I want (family vacation photos and pictures of us hiking).

With the list you have up there 1-7, I could care LESS about any of my family. I don't have contact with most of them because they are really pushy and I don't like being told what to do. If a person is going to be that way, I avoid them. With my in-laws, the only that would apply would be #7 with vacations and that would only apply if it meant we asked them to watch the kids while we were on vacation. They love having the kids over, so that's not an issue, but I'm sure if we started going on vacations every month, they might get burnt out on watching the boys and probably suggest we take the kids with us. ;)) I would also guess if we ran off every holiday, they would become upset and this has been something I've been concerned enough about that we've stayed home during the holidays.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

I don't "fear" what they'll say but I definitely care a great deal about what they think. I've always been one who wants my parents to be proud of the sacrifices they made to do such an amazing job raising us. I thought I'd grow out of that by now, but it still lingers in the back of my mind wrt most decisions that I make.

In fact, it's funny this question came up because I'm planning to visit my folks in a few weeks & I've been wondering what they'll say about my new wedding ring set. My mom just got her first diamond upgrade 2 yrs ago for their 50th anniv (they're both very very frugal), so I know she's going to go bananas when she sees what DH gave me for our 15th LOL :lol: !!
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

Nope. Can't relate. I'm the "baby" in the family and my parents stopped caring about what I was doing forever ago. I'm not old (26), but they really haven't "disapproved" of anything since high school. My older sister is the one that took 5 years to graduate high school, got pregnant her last year and has had no work experience in the last 9 years and no schooling either. She also still lives with them and they take care of her daughter. At age 13 I was told to make sure she did her homework, cleaned her room and did other chores. So I really don't care what they think anymore. The only reason I'm back in school now is because I would like a better job and I need a degree to do so.

As far as your situation. If you're not settled down and aren't close to kids, stop worrying about what your family thinks. Your success is your business and you having the ability to get what you want is a positive thing. Not a lot of people can do what you can, but I wouldn't be ashamed of that.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

thing2of2|1360081004|3372780 said:
Nope, not at all. My parents are actually great about letting me and my siblings live our lives. They don't have boundary issues like SO MANY parents I hear about on PS or elsewhere. Plus I'm a very confident person, so even if they did question my choices, it wouldn't bother me at all.
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Agreed. I don't worry in the slightest what my parents will think about what I do - I figure they raised me to be a strong, confident person, it's kind of too late for them to decide they don't like it!

I will admit, they usually see how things are going to end far before I do, but they let me figure it out and take as many wrong turns as I need. They're kind of like a welcoming party when I get to where I'm going. But even if that weren't the case, I'd just smile and wave from wherever I am.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

I'm not afraid of that, but I rely on their opinions about most things before doing something.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

Not really at this point. We are asian-chinese, and when I was growing up, there was a lot of pressure from my folks to do what is expected of me (do well in school, get a good job, get married etc). As I got older I became more of my own person and rebelled against doing what was expected (getting married and having children) and just doing what I believed in. As my parents got older, they really mellowed, especially since they started studying Buddhism and now they just want me to be happy.

I respect their opinions but ultimately I know whatever decision I make, they will fully support me.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

I've accepted that my parents have terrible boundary issues and an incredibly negative outlook. So, on the one hand, no, I don't fear what they'll think of or say about my choices. On the other hand, I don't borrow trouble by TELLING them about a lot of them. It saddens me that it's created a gulf between us, but it keeps me from breaking down in hysterical fits on a regular basis.

It has its pluses and its minuses. Now that I have my own kid, it's important to me not to be a mess, and to have as little anger or sadness around him as possible. On the other hand, I miss just ... loving my folks, with no ifs-ands-or-buts, even when they would upset me so terribly.

Eh. Life is full of hard choices: all we can do is make the best of the ones we're faced with.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

Circe|1360111830|3373147 said:
I've accepted that my parents have terrible boundary issues and an incredibly negative outlook. So, on the one hand, no, I don't fear what they'll think of or say about my choices. On the other hand, I don't borrow trouble by TELLING them about a lot of them. It saddens me that it's created a gulf between us, but it keeps me from breaking down in hysterical fits on a regular basis.

It has its pluses and its minuses. Now that I have my own kid, it's important to me not to be a mess, and to have as little anger or sadness around him as possible. On the other hand, I miss just ... loving my folks, with no ifs-ands-or-buts, even when they would upset me so terribly.

Eh. Life is full of hard choices: all we can do is make the best of the ones we're faced with.
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My mom has major boundry issues, as well. What gets me is we hadn't talked for years and finally are now and she STILL tells me what to do. She will send me emails explaining how to keep my kids busy during the summer, as if up until now, the last 12+ years, I've sat staring at them wondering how to feed & keep them entertained. When we already have activities planned and I tell her them, she will send me new lists. She wanted me to take the out of school so they could have a global experience where she lives. She became mad at me when I refused. :twirl:
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

My mother has actually been pretty good through the years about not commenting on or judging my choices and decisions. She's made a few comments about things relating to my kids, but nothing too bad and I just listened and continued to do my own thing anyway! :cheeky: She's actually been much harder on my older sister, which makes me sad because my mother's approval is very important to my sister.

One thing I will never share with my mother is the cost of my OEC ring. She would just flip.out. We were watching a jewelry commercial the other day and it mentioned the price of a ring being $7,000 and she was completely astounded and disgusted that someone would spend that much on a ring. Pan to junebug sitting quietly on the couch looking like this -> :oops: And my mother is 88 and I'm 52! :)
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

Nope. I'm not sure I've ever been afraid of what my parents would say though...both DH and I come from families with similar values and I think our spending/saving/living habits are pretty much in line with those same values. I think our parents are very proud of us and the decisions we've made to date.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

My dad is gone now and my mother is 83, so I have pretty much lived through all those years! My Dad was VERY tight with money and it was a negative experience every time my mother wanted to buy a non-necessity. I hated that conflict but turned out to be fairly conservative with spending money myself. My parents never interfered with what we did, and maybe that was because they approved of our choices. But never would I have discussed anything regarding money with my dad!

As far as diamonds go, when I first came on PS for my new e-ring, I picked a 1.6 ct stone and was worried about it being too big :twirl: . When I told my mother about it, she said I needed to get 2 cts if I was going to do it!!! :lol: So she is an enabler in that regard, but I think she is just happy to see me get some nice things and probably thinks I am very lucky to have a husband who doesn't mind! And I am!

One thing that makes a difference is that we never lived in the same state with them, so I think when there is distance, there is just less opportunity to see the little things that some people might comment on.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

1) E ring- the size and money spent on it -- Already been through this with an $800 clearance item from Zales :oops:
2) the 2nd or 3rd upgrade -- Will have to face this in the next year or so as FI agrees the time has come to get something nice from Whiteflash.
3) new car -- Oh the fight this caused last year!
4) new house -- Yep. Even though we bought the cheapest (by $100,000+) in the area
5) moving to a different area -- I'm 45 minute drive away and been accused of leaving the family
6) change in career -- Not so far.
7) how often you go away for holidays -- Holidays? In my dreams! We've pretty much stuck to 2 or 3 night camping trips (not in developed camp grounds) every few years so we travel less than a lot of people in my family.

To be fair to my family, most of the issues have been with my mother's EX-husband (not my father). He's a massive a** so I don't take what he says too seriously. Unfortunately, my mother (who needs extensive therapy!!) has decided to go back to him... :nono:

We're currently planning our wedding and I haven't done more than mention in passing to her that it will be "sometime this summer". She doesn't know where or anything else. I'd love to share with her, but I don't need the upset of her passing on her EX's comments about how we're wasting money. Thanks to this one person and his bad attitude my mother may not be attending my wedding!

If it wasn't for the EX, I don't think I'd even really think about any of this stuff.
 
Re: Still afraid of what your parents say about your choices

My parents are generally great supportive people. I'm not afraid of my parents comments on my choices but out of respect I don't swear or smoke in front of them (terrible habit i know)

My mum has had some negative things to say about our plans to get a large e-ring but it hasn't worried me. i'm sure she will love it when she sees it and i've been able to brush off the comments so far
 
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