Sticky in-law situation...

[missjaxon]

Date: 5/21/2010 12:17:03 AM
Author: Laila619

Date: 5/20/2010 11:36:59 PM

Author: megumic

eh, i don't really buy the whole my parents are paying and the restaurant is pricey bit. in my book, the more the merrier and when it comes to family you just make it happen. choose a different restaurant or cook at home -- but i think not inviting DH's parents is not very nice or welcoming. in fact, i find it a little hostile. but then again, i don't know your DH's relationship with his parents, etc. so i know i don't have the total context. i don't think this has anything to do with his mother not letting go -- you'd want to celebrate your son's birthday with him no matter his age - no? personally, i'd be hurt and feel second best. if your DH had to ask if his mother felt hurt and you had to post to ask what to do, then it seems to me you already know...


not meaning to come off abrasive, just wanted to give my honest two cents.


a birthday is a fun and joyous occasion - no matter what you end up doing i hope you and your DH have a lovely time!

Well it's not my place to invite them, since my parents are the 'hosts' essentially. If someone invites you to dinner, you don't just bring a second couple along or invite them too without the first couple agreeing or knowing.


Think about it not in a family context...if the Smiths invite you to dinner, would you call up the Jones' and invite them to come along too, without the Smiths agreeing or extending the invite to them?


I *do* wish my parents had offered to invite them too, but obviously they weren't comfortable with that yet. It's a bummer but what can I do. Oh well. Eventually they have to start getting to know each other!

I have to agree with you Laila, not everybody has the picture perfect family situation where all parents and in-laws get along or even are comfortable enough to invite along to dinner right from the start. Sometimes it takes a while to get to this stage and sometimes is doesn't happen at all. All people and families are different and I by no means think this is a bad thing. I also think that having parents share events that involve grandkids are a whole different entity (just from seeing this happen within my own family), when children are involved they generally take center stage and become a common ground for parents/in-laws whom might not normally have something in common or feel comfortable around one another. I also see where everyone else is coming from, but this is just from my own experience with my own families/ in-laws etc.

I think your best bet is to let DH decide how he would like to spend his birthday and then let him handle his own parents. I think it was very sweet of your parents to invite you both out to celebrate his birthday! Perhaps in the future he could call his parents and feel them about his birthday ahead of time and see when they would like to get together instead of waiting for them to call? Just a suggestion because this is what my FI does.

Either way I hope that your DH has a very happy birthday!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 5/20/2010 9:08:33 PM
Author: Laila619

Date: 5/20/2010 8:09:24 PM
Author: Haven
Does your husband want to spend his birthday with your parents? Would he rather see his own parents?

I would just have him deal with this. If he wants to go to dinner with his own parents instead of yours, then I''d suggest that he call his mom *and* your parents and make it happen. If he''s okay with going out to dinner with your parents and not his own, then there really isn''t anything to be done, right?

I agree that this would be a good opportunity for your parents to spend some time together. My husband''s family and my own share all of our holidays and birthdays, and it''s really nice.

Haven, no, DH wants to go out with my parents. I am the one who thinks MIL is very hurt, and so I was the one who suggested to DH that we maybe should cancel on my parents and see them instead. DH is more like, ''Oh well!'' Like Kaleigh said, you snooze you lose...that''s the way he sees it.

But I want to have a great rel''p with my in-laws and don''t want any resentment or hurt feelings. I wish DH hadn''t even said we were seeing my parents, because *that* is the part she is most jealous about. If it were just hub and I who made plans, she wouldn''t mind.

Thank you so much to everyone who replied!!

PSers always have good advice.

Almost everyone mentioned inviting the ILs to dinner too...honestly, I don''t think it''s fair to make my parents invite them along, because they are footing the bill and it''s a very pricey restaurant. Plus I can''t ask them to do that, it''d have to be their idea, ya know? since they are the ones paying.

My MIL is a little like this too. I think you tried and now you can just leave it alone. It is not the end of the world in this case and you extended the offer for after dinner ice cream and cake. If she is hurt and still declined that invitation, then that is on her in my opinion. Just see them on Sunday and have a nice time with your parents. And focus on your Dh since it is his birthday afterall.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I think it''s okay for her to spend a year away from him... next year she''ll be sure to be first in line! She took him for granted and sometimes a wee bit of suffering teaches us what we don''t want to repeat.

 

[Cehrabehra]

On the subject of inviting the inlaws - I get if it''s the jones family and you invite the smiths along - but these are YOUR PARENTS! I don''t get the formality there. Is there no part of your relationship where you can just say, "mom, I think we should invite his parents, we''ll pay for everything". Must you wait for it to be her idea? I guess it''s possible that some families genuinely are that formal I''m glad none of mine is!

 

[Lilac]

Date: 5/21/2010 4:52:44 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
On the subject of inviting the inlaws - I get if it''s the jones family and you invite the smiths along - but these are YOUR PARENTS! I don''t get the formality there. Is there no part of your relationship where you can just say, ''mom, I think we should invite his parents, we''ll pay for everything''. Must you wait for it to be her idea? I guess it''s possible that some families genuinely are that formal I''m glad none of mine is!

While I understand what you''re saying and wish that were the case (for everyone), for some people it just isn''t.

For example, if this were to happen in my family, it wouldn''t be about the *formality* of asking my parents to invite his parents, it''s something else entirely. My in-laws and my parents do not get along AT ALL. There are a LOT of underlying issues there, but I would never in a million years tell my parents to invite my in-laws along if they were taking my husband out for dinner. Asking them to invite my in-laws would be very unfair to them given things that have happened in the past. Yes, one day they will have to get along or at least be civil for the sake of grandchildrens'' parties or events, but that hasn''t happened yet so I don''t think it would be right for me to tell or ask my parents to invite my in-laws along to things given the issues between them.

I would openly discuss that with both my parents and how they feel or how I feel about it, so it''s definitely not an issue of being *formal* - it''s just an issue of their history and not making them do something they don''t feel comfortable with at all.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

You snooze, you lose. I know things are touchy with MIL on your side and I don''t know how your DH is with her, but I would be honest and tell her how he feels. That her last minute attempt to make plans hurt his feelings, so he made other plans and now is being run over the guilty coals because of HER mistake. You and DH have done nothing wrong.

 

[Lanie]

Date: 5/21/2010 8:23:42 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
You snooze, you lose. I know things are touchy with MIL on your side and I don''t know how your DH is with her, but I would be honest and tell her how he feels. That her last minute attempt to make plans hurt his feelings, so he made other plans and now is being run over the guilty coals because of HER mistake. You and DH have done nothing wrong.

Oh my goodness, no way. Sorry HH. It is not your place to tell your DH''s mother how HE feels. If HE''s broken up about it, HE needs to tell HER. I would flip out if my DIL told me anything like that! Your DH is a big boy.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 5/21/2010 8:23:42 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
You snooze, you lose. I know things are touchy with MIL on your side and I don''t know how your DH is with her, but I would be honest and tell her how he feels. That her last minute attempt to make plans hurt his feelings, so he made other plans and now is being run over the guilty coals because of HER mistake. You and DH have done nothing wrong.

What??? I don''t understand the underlying hostility towards mil that I''m picking up in some of these posts. I agree that laila and dh didn''t do anything wrong, but I don''t think mil did either. In fact, she blamed herself for waiting too long to call. Mil told her son she was ok about it, what else is the woman supposed to do? Maybe I missed it, but I didn''t see how mil is trying to make her son feel guilty. The woman is a little disappointed she won''t see her son on his b''day, what''s wrong with that? She probably just thought Laila and her dh would do something with his family on his b''day, as they do every year, Laila even said it''s a tradition. Yes, she should have phoned sooner but I don''t think she should be vilified for that. Nobody is at fault here, it''s just one of those things that happen in families where the timing is off.

And as for Laila''s parents not wanting to include the in-laws, everybody is different and some people are more formal than others. Not everybody is "yay, the more the merrier" type.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 5/21/2010 8:23:42 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
You snooze, you lose. I know things are touchy with MIL on your side and I don''t know how your DH is with her, but I would be honest and tell her how he feels. That her last minute attempt to make plans hurt his feelings, so he made other plans and now is being run over the guilty coals because of HER mistake. You and DH have done nothing wrong.

Sorry I mistyped (first thing in the AM post). I meant to say tell HIM to tell her, not tell her yourself.

 

[RaiKai]

It was a mix-up. You are all adults and can be flexible and make other arrangements (such as Sunday). I don't think this is a sticky situation, really, at all.

I don't think MIL was trying to run a guilt trip or anything, she did seem to accept she should have called earlier. She probably expressed her disappointment given it is a tradition and it is her son's birthday, but things happen. I don't think I have spent an actual birthday with my parents in YEARS. We just celebrate it another day - and don't get so hung up on THAT day being THE day, you know?

There are also a lot of assumptions that you think she is hurt, you think she is jealous, you think she is said. Don't assume how she feels, and let her own her feelings. It sounds like even if she IS hurt she is alright owning that and owning that she cannot blame you guys for it. And if she wants to communicate her hurt to you, she can. If you think she is hurt, check it out with her (or DH should check it out with her). Otherwise you are just creating drama in your own head!

On the other hand, perhaps, knowing it was a tradition in his family, it might have been good for your DH to check in and see if it was going to be as per normal or if there were plans. Your DH is a grown man, certainly he does not need to stay silent and hope his family remembers his birthday, sitting around and as you said, feeling ignored? Why did he not just call them and ask them if there were plans this year? I don't get that.

I also agree with others that I think it would be a great idea if his parents were invited along. I don't see why it has to become an exclusive proprietary thing over your DH in this case. You seem to be making the decisions FOR your parents without even asking what they might think of the idea? Do they know his parents called later? I mean, I get they aren't best buddies yet, but you are having a baby and this is BOTH of their grandchild....they are going to be hanging around one another a bit more often anyway! I also know they are "hosting" but certainly there are other ways to figure it out - either going to a less fancy place, splitting bill, paying for the parents....you know?

 

[Laila619]

Date: 5/21/2010 10:10:09 AM
Author: RaiKai
Your DH is a grown man, certainly he does not need to stay silent and hope his family remembers his birthday, sitting around and as you said, feeling ignored? Why did he not just call them and ask them if there were plans this year?

Because he wanted to see if anyone remembered his bday on their own.

It''s almost become a running joke; every year since DH and I met, his family and/or friends forget his birthday...no text, no call, no card, nada.

 

[Laila619]

Date: 5/21/2010 10:10:09 AM
Author: RaiKai
I also agree with others that I think it would be a great idea if his parents were invited along. I don't see why it has to become an exclusive proprietary thing over your DH in this case. You seem to be making the decisions FOR your parents without even asking what they might think of the idea? Do they know his parents called later?

RaiKai, I asked my parents to invite them along, and they said they felt awkward doing that. So it's a no-go.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 5/21/2010 10:10:09 AM
Author: RaiKai
It was a mix-up. You are all adults and can be flexible and make other arrangements (such as Sunday). I don''t think this is a sticky situation, really, at all.

I don''t think MIL was trying to run a guilt trip or anything, she did seem to accept she should have called earlier. She probably expressed her disappointment given it is a tradition and it is her son''s birthday, but things happen. I don''t think I have spent an actual birthday with my parents in YEARS. We just celebrate it another day - and don''t get so hung up on THAT day being THE day, you know?

There are also a lot of assumptions that you think she is hurt, you think she is jealous, you think she is said. Don''t assume how she feels, and let her own her feelings. It sounds like even if she IS hurt she is alright owning that and owning that she cannot blame you guys for it. And if she wants to communicate her hurt to you, she can. If you think she is hurt, check it out with her (or DH should check it out with her). Otherwise you are just creating drama in your own head!

On the other hand, perhaps, knowing it was a tradition in his family, it might have been good for your DH to check in and see if it was going to be as per normal or if there were plans. Your DH is a grown man, certainly he does not need to stay silent and hope his family remembers his birthday, sitting around and as you said, feeling ignored? Why did he not just call them and ask them if there were plans this year? I don''t get that.

I also agree with others that I think it would be a great idea if his parents were invited along. I don''t see why it has to become an exclusive proprietary thing over your DH in this case. You seem to be making the decisions FOR your parents without even asking what they might think of the idea? Do they know his parents called later? I mean, I get they aren''t best buddies yet, but you are having a baby and this is BOTH of their grandchild....they are going to be hanging around one another a bit more often anyway! I also know they are ''hosting'' but certainly there are other ways to figure it out - either going to a less fancy place, splitting bill, paying for the parents....you know?

ditto. very well said

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/21/2010 10:31:23 AM
Author: Laila619

Date: 5/21/2010 10:10:09 AM

Author: RaiKai

I also agree with others that I think it would be a great idea if his parents were invited along. I don't see why it has to become an exclusive proprietary thing over your DH in this case. You seem to be making the decisions FOR your parents without even asking what they might think of the idea? Do they know his parents called later?

RaiKai, I asked my parents to invite them along, and they said they felt awkward doing that.

Okay, I am glad you asked! I was just concerned that you had assumed they might not be alright with it.

I do hope they get over their awkwardness SOON though with the baby coming! They don't have to be best buddies...but they should be able to be around one another and so on!

 

[Laila619]

Date: 5/21/2010 7:30:49 AM
Author: Lilac

Date: 5/21/2010 4:52:44 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
On the subject of inviting the inlaws - I get if it's the jones family and you invite the smiths along - but these are YOUR PARENTS! I don't get the formality there. Is there no part of your relationship where you can just say, 'mom, I think we should invite his parents, we'll pay for everything'. Must you wait for it to be her idea? I guess it's possible that some families genuinely are that formal I'm glad none of mine is!

While I understand what you're saying and wish that were the case (for everyone), for some people it just isn't.

For example, if this were to happen in my family, it wouldn't be about the *formality* of asking my parents to invite his parents, it's something else entirely. My in-laws and my parents do not get along AT ALL. There are a LOT of underlying issues there, but I would never in a million years tell my parents to invite my in-laws along if they were taking my husband out for dinner. Asking them to invite my in-laws would be very unfair to them given things that have happened in the past. Yes, one day they will have to get along or at least be civil for the sake of grandchildrens' parties or events, but that hasn't happened yet so I don't think it would be right for me to tell or ask my parents to invite my in-laws along to things given the issues between them.

I would openly discuss that with both my parents and how they feel or how I feel about it, so it's definitely not an issue of being *formal* - it's just an issue of their history and not making them do something they don't feel comfortable with at all.

Lilac, it sounds like our family dynamics are pretty similar so I think you totally understand. Guess I'm not the only one with parents and in-laws who aren't best buds! Maybe it'll happen one day though, who knows.

Anyway, a big thank you again to everyone! You girls are the best!

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/21/2010 10:28:24 AM
Author: Laila619

Date: 5/21/2010 10:10:09 AM

Author: RaiKai

Your DH is a grown man, certainly he does not need to stay silent and hope his family remembers his birthday, sitting around and as you said, feeling ignored? Why did he not just call them and ask them if there were plans this year?

Because he wanted to see if anyone remembered his bday on their own.

It's almost become a running joke; every year since DH and I met, his family and/or friends forget his birthday...no text, no call, no card, nada.

When I turned 13....my parents and family "forgot" my birthday all day. We were camping, at some festival in the U.S., and I did not say a word ALL day. Finally before we went to bed...they remembered when I gave them a bit of a prod and a hint. While I like to tease them about it sometimes, I known they only forgot as we were all busy and out of our environment. They knew I HAD a birthday, but they had no idea what day we actually were on!

Since then, there are many times I don't get a call or text ON my actual birthday. It's not because they have forgot my birthday...but rather because they lost track of what darn day it is! I see how this can happen. I always remember people's birthdays - in that I remember the date. I still remember the birthday of my best friend from kindergarten and we have not talked in YEARS. But, I don't always know what the actual DAY of the year it is on any given day! Sometimes it hits me that day..sometimes a day before or a day later.

It's not that I forget the birthday. It's that I forget the actual day. I have already had to check my phone clock three times this morning for the date to sign papers at work and it won't be until 12 it sinks in what day it is!

So I tend to be pretty forgiving of others in that way! I think if DH knows this is how his family is, he should just check in with them and see if there are plans...even if it means a prod about the running joke (like...."so, when were you going to remember?")...heck, I would send them blank cards a few days ahead of time with a cheesy birthday message and the date printed in the card with a return envelope with a little "sign here" flag!

DH has an app on his iPhone to send him reminders!

 

[RaiKai]

Oh, and sometimes I call my mother (or send her flowers) on MY birthday and say thanks to her...she is the one that did all the hard work after all on that day. So that tends to remind her! But she has ALWAYS been there for me for all the events in my life - big and small - even if she cannot physically be there. She's an amazing mother and an amazing woman....human frailties and all.

My bio dad ALWAYS remembers my birthday and ALWAYS calls me on that day. He likes to remind me each time that he NEVER forgets my birthday. True enough. But I don't hear from him any other day of the year and have not seen him in..oh...10 years? I love him but....he does not win the greatest dad of the century award.

So I am not sure remembering always indicates how much they really are there for you, you know?

 

[somethingshiny]

Glad you have Sunday plans with them instead.

btw-DH and I have been married for almost 11 yrs. The only time our parents have gotten together have been at our wedding or functions for our child. Some families just don''t mesh entirely. I love my in-laws and my parents love my DH. We are completely fine with having separate times with them. IL''s are the ones who always make sure that MY birthday is celebrated, not my own family.