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Laila619

Laila619

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Hi all,

I need a little advice/input about this situation with my in-laws. DH's birthday is tomorrow, and as of today at 1pm, no one had called him to make plans, including his own parents, who usually like to get together on birthdays and have dinner and cake, etc. DH was feeling a bit ignored. Well, my parents offered to take husband and me out to dinner tomorrow night when they heard no one had planned anything for DH, and so we agreed. Of course, not ten minutes after we hang up the phone with my parents, DH's mom calls and asks DH what he's doing for his birthday tomorrow night. Doh!
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He told her that we were going out with my parents, and she got a little quiet and sounded hurt. I think she is jealous that she isn't going to see her own son on his birthday, when my parents will. He told her we were free Saturday, the day after his birthday, but she and FIL already had plans. DH called her back and asked her if she was really ok with not seeing him, and she said she was fine, but again, she sounded a bit hurt and sad. She said it was her fault for waiting until the last minute to try to make plans, and sounded bummed.

I don't want my MIL to resent me or my parents. She is a very nice woman. But she is very close to her sons, and she has a hard time letting go. All the boys are sort of mamas boys. I think she is jealous and feeling left out. What can we do to fix this situation? Should we cancel with my parents, and see them instead?! Thanks!
 
How about if both sets of parents go out to dinner with you and dh? Or could you meet dh''s parents for lunch, or stop by the house during the day? I hate when stuff like this happens!
 
Date: 5/20/2010 7:00:17 PM
Author:Laila619
She said it was her fault for waiting until the last minute to try to make plans, and sounded bummed.
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This is true. Mama needs to grow up, by the sounds of it.

Why can''t your in-laws come to the dinner with your parents?
 
Thanks junebug and Porridge. Porridge, I don't think my parents want to invite them, lol. It's not that they don't like them, but they're all still in the awkward getting-to-know-you stage.

Moms, would you be hurt if you grown adult child didn't see you on his/her birthday but saw his in-laws instead?
 
This is all a bit wacky to fuss over. . .everyone should all go out to dinner together and if that''s not feasible, for some reason, just plan dinner with your inlaws for next weekend or even Sunday night.

It''s nice that both sets of parents are wanting to celebrate on your DH''s birthday. What better present can you ask for than that?
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Date: 5/20/2010 7:18:34 PM
Author: Laila619
Thanks junebug and Porridge. Porridge, I don''t think my parents want to invite them, lol. It''s not that they don''t like them, but they''re all still in the awkward getting-to-know-you stage.

Moms, would you be hurt if you grown adult child didn''t see you on his/her birthday but saw his in-laws instead?
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Sounds like your Dh''s parents had established a tradition? Maybe your MIL just assumed that DH would be anticipating it.

I''m not sure about what I''d think if my grown adult children we''re seeing the in-laws instead. As long as we all got along, I''d suggest we make it a group event. If not, I''d make other arrangments. . .but, if possible, I WOULD stop by and drop off cake on his b-day!
 
Your parents HAVE TO get beyond that "the awkward getting-to-know-you stage" because eventually, if you guys decide to have kids, they''re all going to have all kinds of kids'' events where they''re around each other!

Just have them all order a bottle of wine and settle into conversation.
 
what a great opportunity for both sides to get to know each other better than a birthday celebration! yes, your parents might not want to but it would be very gracious of them to invite your in-laws. everyone should be on good behavior for this event and a good time had by all.

mz

ps yes, MIL needs to 1-grow up and realize that the world doesn''t wait for her to decide to call and 2-organize herself better so she calls in advance. however, your parents can and i think should be gracious and at least offer the invite. its up to MIL if she accepts or not. if she doesn''t, her loss.
 
Honestly, I think I'd be ok if my adult child saw the in-laws instead of me on his b'day. If I really wanted to see him, I'd suggest going out to breakfast, or stopping by the house with a cake. A parent has to let go at some point!

But, apparently dh's mom isn't feeling the same way, by the sound of it. Going to breakfast or lunch with dh's parents wouldn't work? If his mom is a little upset, it would be nice to accommodate her if you can.

eta: Everybody going out to dinner together is really the perfect solution. They'll never get over the awkwardness if they don't spend time together! Maybe you could explain the situation to your parents. If your parents are definitely against it, I would figure out another time during the day to see dh's mom.
 
Date: 5/20/2010 7:00:17 PM
Author:Laila619
Hi all,

I need a little advice/input about this situation with my in-laws. DH''s birthday is tomorrow, and as of today at 1pm, no one had called him to make plans, including his own parents, who usually like to get together on birthdays and have dinner and cake, etc. DH was feeling a bit ignored. Well, my parents offered to take husband and me out to dinner tomorrow night when they heard no one had planned anything for DH, and so we agreed. Of course, not ten minutes after we hang up the phone with my parents, DH''s mom calls and asks DH what he''s doing for his birthday tomorrow night. Doh!
40.gif
He told her that we were going out with my parents, and she got a little quiet and sounded hurt. I think she is jealous that she isn''t going to see her own son on his birthday, when my parents will. He told her we were free Saturday, the day after his birthday, but she and FIL already had plans. DH called her back and asked her if she was really ok with not seeing him, and she said she was fine, but again, she sounded a bit hurt and sad. She said it was her fault for waiting until the last minute to try to make plans, and sounded bummed.

I don''t want my MIL to resent me or my parents. She is a very nice woman. But she is very close to her sons, and she has a hard time letting go. All the boys are sort of mamas boys. I think she is jealous and feeling left out. What can we do to fix this situation? Should we cancel with my parents, and see them instead?! Thanks!
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This is the bit that sticks out to me. The ''situation'' would not have occurred had he not felt this way. He is a grown man and can make his own birthday plans or make them with his wife.

In my eyes, as much as the MIL might be bent out of shape that she is not the centre of your DH''s plans, he is right at the other end of those strings waiting to be pulled. Sharpen your scissors.

IMHO, ''we'' shouldn''t do anything. DH should clear this one up.
 
Hi Laila!

Sticky situation but your MIL did wait until the last minute, so she had to have know there was a chance your DH had plans! As a mom of three (2 of them boys) I feel like when they are adults, there will probably be more birthdays where I don''t see them than do. I guess I''m just assuming they''ll be busy with their lives and if we are lucky enough to live near each other I''ll always celebrate their birthday, it just may not be ON their birthday. I would either have your DH suggest a weeknight or the weekend after OR you suggest to your parents that your MIL be invited out to dinner that same night.
 
Date: 5/20/2010 7:00:17 PM
Author:Laila619
Hi all,

I need a little advice/input about this situation with my in-laws. DH's birthday is tomorrow, and as of today at 1pm, no one had called him to make plans, including his own parents, who usually like to get together on birthdays and have dinner and cake, etc. DH was feeling a bit ignored. Well, my parents offered to take husband and me out to dinner tomorrow night when they heard no one had planned anything for DH, and so we agreed. Of course, not ten minutes after we hang up the phone with my parents, DH's mom calls and asks DH what he's doing for his birthday tomorrow night. Doh!
40.gif
He told her that we were going out with my parents, and she got a little quiet and sounded hurt. I think she is jealous that she isn't going to see her own son on his birthday, when my parents will. He told her we were free Saturday, the day after his birthday, but she and FIL already had plans. DH called her back and asked her if she was really ok with not seeing him, and she said she was fine, but again, she sounded a bit hurt and sad. She said it was her fault for waiting until the last minute to try to make plans, and sounded bummed.

I don't want my MIL to resent me or my parents. She is a very nice woman. But she is very close to her sons, and she has a hard time letting go. All the boys are sort of mamas boys. I think she is jealous and feeling left out. What can we do to fix this situation? Should we cancel with my parents, and see them instead?! Thanks!
Click to expand...
Your DH sounds like my Dh and his mama! I would cancel with my mom and go out with his parents, and then try to reschedule with my mom for the next night. My mom would understand and it would make my MIL so happy. But if my mom would be hurt then I might leave things as they were already planned.

ETA It is only sticky if you let it be that way! I always think honesty is best. I think I would also perhaps suggest a big ol' family party!
 
Does your husband want to spend his birthday with your parents? Would he rather see his own parents?

I would just have him deal with this. If he wants to go to dinner with his own parents instead of yours, then I''d suggest that he call his mom *and* your parents and make it happen. If he''s okay with going out to dinner with your parents and not his own, then there really isn''t anything to be done, right?

I agree that this would be a good opportunity for your parents to spend some time together. My husband''s family and my own share all of our holidays and birthdays, and it''s really nice.
 
You snooze you lose. Your MIL should have called and made plans earlier... I can''t imagine you cancelling out on your parents...

BUT?? You could include his. I know not the easiest situation. But including them would go a long way.....
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Trust me, on that!!!

Your MIL will remember this for a long time, better to include her than not!!!
 
Date: 5/20/2010 8:27:02 PM
Author: Kaleigh
You snooze you lose. Your MIL should have called and made plans earlier... I can''t imagine you cancelling out on your parents...

BUT?? You could include his. I know not the easiest situation. But including them would go a long way.....
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Trust me, on that!!!

Your MIL will remember this for a long time, better to include her than not!!!
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I agree with this. Getting everyone together will give your parents a chance to get to know each other better, no one is left out and it''s a celebration - the more the merrier!
 
Date: 5/20/2010 8:09:24 PM
Author: Haven
Does your husband want to spend his birthday with your parents? Would he rather see his own parents?

I would just have him deal with this. If he wants to go to dinner with his own parents instead of yours, then I'd suggest that he call his mom *and* your parents and make it happen. If he's okay with going out to dinner with your parents and not his own, then there really isn't anything to be done, right?

I agree that this would be a good opportunity for your parents to spend some time together. My husband's family and my own share all of our holidays and birthdays, and it's really nice.
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Haven, no, DH wants to go out with my parents. I am the one who thinks MIL is very hurt, and so I was the one who suggested to DH that we maybe should cancel on my parents and see them instead. DH is more like, "Oh well!" Like Kaleigh said, you snooze you lose...that's the way he sees it.

But I want to have a great rel'p with my in-laws and don't want any resentment or hurt feelings. I wish DH hadn't even said we were seeing my parents, because *that* is the part she is most jealous about. If it were just hub and I who made plans, she wouldn't mind.

Thank you so much to everyone who replied!!
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PSers always have good advice.

Almost everyone mentioned inviting the ILs to dinner too...honestly, I don't think it's fair to make my parents invite them along, because they are footing the bill and it's a very pricey restaurant. Plus I can't ask them to do that, it'd have to be their idea, ya know? since they are the ones paying.
 
I don''t see why he couldn''t have said your parents had already called to invite you guys out for supper "so why don''t you guys join us?"

I''d feel bad canceling on someone to go out w/someone else-tradition or not. To me that''s like saying someone better came along.

They''ve all got to get to know one another at some point I figure, unless they want the awkwardness to continue forever, and what better way than to go out to dinner together?

If his parents don''t want to come, why can''t they do lunch or a breakfast if it has to be on the exact day? Otherwise, do a different night. I don''t think we''ve *ever* been able to do anything together on the exact day of our anniversary/birthdays etc-gotta roll with it.
 
Stupid error messages! argh

I would keep the date w/your parents then and his parents can do a different meal the same day or dinner a different day. I don''t think we''ve *ever* managed to do anything for anniversary/birthdays etc on the exact date-gotta roll w/it.

At least now she knows not to wait until the last minute if she wants to make plans. I know you want to have a good relationship w/the IL''s but don''t let it come at the expense of your parents and don''t let it be that you''ll drop other plans to make her happy.
 
Laila, you are such a sweet dil, I think it's really nice that you care about your mil's feelings.

Oh, and I agree with PP's that you shouldn't cancel your plans with your parents. I see your point about paying for dinner, I guess that could be a little awkward...but I really don't think dh's parents would expect your parents to foot the entire bill. Maybe dh could mention to his parents that they would cover the cost of their meal?

Anyway, if that won't work, then I think a different meal that day, or dinner another night will be fine. After all, your mil really did wait till the last minute to set something up, I bet next year she'll be a little more organized!
 
I agree that everyone should just go together. sounds like the simplest solution
 
I think your parents went out of their way to do something for your DH for his birthday (really filling the role of parents, IMO). Canceling on them would be inappropriate. MIL was too late. "Sorry, Mom, I''ve accepted another dinner invitation. How about we swing by before/after for a bit?"

MIL may be a bit hurt over this, but when she realizes that DH''s new in-laws care for him, she''ll be happy again.
 
Rarely do I side with MILs but I have to here. She prob called at the last minute bc she assumed they would take him to dinner.

I would tell my parents to go to another restaurant or go Dutch. You have a baby on the way and this will be a situation you guys just have to get used to. Did you tell your parents about them calling later?

I personally would be hurt if I didn''t have dinner with my son bc he was going out with his inlaws. This one day is special to them and I don''t think breaking plans with your parents is out of line at all.
 
I think your MIL should have called earlier if she wanted to make sure to have dinner with your husband on his birthday. And I completely understand why your husband wouldn''t just invite his parents along to a dinner your parents were paying for to celebrate his birthday. I think it would be kind of rude for him to invite them along without knowing if your parents would be ok with it, so I think he did the right thing.

Is there any way you and your DH could see his parents for lunch? Otherwise, it will have to be another day. I don''t see my parents on my birthday and my husband doesn''t see his on his birthday either. My parents will be leaving the country the day before my birthday this year! They''re taking me out for my birthday either the week before or the week after.

I know it might be sad for your MIL to not see their son on his birthday this year, but he is an adult and I''m sure there will be plenty of time throughout the years that this might happen again (you''ll be busy, your husband will be busy, etc.) Just extend the birthday celebration to next week!
 
Thank you again everyone!

Update: DH tried to call his mom tonight and offered to swing over to their place tomorrow after dinner, so we could have cake and ice cream with the ILs. She said no!
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She said we could just get together on Sunday instead for a birthday dinner. So I guess that's what we'll do. We tried.
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Is it possible to have an early dinner with your parents and then meet up with your husband's parents for dessert/birthday cake afterwards? That way you can spend his birthday with both sets of parents? Maybe you'll get to have cake twice!
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ETA: Oops, didn't see your last post. Glad you got it resolved!
 
Date: 5/20/2010 9:39:06 PM
Author: junebug17
Laila, you are such a sweet dil, I think it''s really nice that you care about your mil''s feelings.
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Awww, thank you Junebug.
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well, you tried....and she said "no". in the future, i wouldn''t even make the offer. she''s been served notice that its first come first served and i''d keep it that way. if she''s hurt, she''s hurt and that''s life.

mz
 
eh, i don''t really buy the whole my parents are paying and the restaurant is pricey bit. in my book, the more the merrier and when it comes to family you just make it happen. choose a different restaurant or cook at home -- but i think not inviting DH''s parents is not very nice or welcoming. in fact, i find it a little hostile. but then again, i don''t know your DH''s relationship with his parents, etc. so i know i don''t have the total context. i don''t think this has anything to do with his mother not letting go -- you''d want to celebrate your son''s birthday with him no matter his age - no? personally, i''d be hurt and feel second best. if your DH had to ask if his mother felt hurt and you had to post to ask what to do, then it seems to me you already know...

not meaning to come off abrasive, just wanted to give my honest two cents.

a birthday is a fun and joyous occasion - no matter what you end up doing i hope you and your DH have a lovely time!
 
Date: 5/20/2010 11:24:12 PM
Author: movie zombie
well, you tried....and she said ''no''. in the future, i wouldn''t even make the offer. she''s been served notice that its first come first served and i''d keep it that way. if she''s hurt, she''s hurt and that''s life.


mz
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i disagree with this entirely. if everything were first come first serve, then both sets of parents will constantly be racing and competing to "get in" first. that''s a terrible precedent to set, especially with family.
 
Date: 5/20/2010 11:36:59 PM
Author: megumic
eh, i don't really buy the whole my parents are paying and the restaurant is pricey bit. in my book, the more the merrier and when it comes to family you just make it happen. choose a different restaurant or cook at home -- but i think not inviting DH's parents is not very nice or welcoming. in fact, i find it a little hostile. but then again, i don't know your DH's relationship with his parents, etc. so i know i don't have the total context. i don't think this has anything to do with his mother not letting go -- you'd want to celebrate your son's birthday with him no matter his age - no? personally, i'd be hurt and feel second best. if your DH had to ask if his mother felt hurt and you had to post to ask what to do, then it seems to me you already know...

not meaning to come off abrasive, just wanted to give my honest two cents.

a birthday is a fun and joyous occasion - no matter what you end up doing i hope you and your DH have a lovely time!
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Well it's not my place to invite them, since my parents are the 'hosts' essentially. If someone invites you to dinner, you don't just bring a second couple along or invite them too without the first couple agreeing or knowing.

Think about it not in a family context...if the Smiths invite you to dinner, would you call up the Jones' and invite them to come along too, without the Smiths agreeing or extending the invite to them?

I *do* wish my parents had offered to invite them too, but obviously they weren't comfortable with that yet. It's a bummer but what can I do. Oh well. Eventually they have to start getting to know each other!
 
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