Home Speaking of friends with babies....

[Shoopy]

Date: 2/18/2010 6:24:40 AM
Author: Smo
I have to ditto a lot of the responses here, people change when they have kids. I think you are going to be disappointed if you think otherwise.

A lot of my friends have just had their first or second child, whenever we get together (they are part of the same group) all they talk about is their kids and to be honest it is pretty boring for me, I usually only catch up with them when I am feeling guilty about missing so many lunches, dinner etc. I never really enjoy seeing them anymore and don''t miss hanging out with them.

One girl in this group was quite a good friend until she had her baby. I think the biggest thing for us is that we no longer have the same frame of reference. She spent the first year as a SAHM and didn''t really get out much so she only really had the baby to talk about. Now that she is back at work all she seems to do is complain about how tired she is, how unhelpful her husband is (he totally is) and how difficult life is generally. I don''t blame her, because I think she really has it tough with such an unhelpful husband but at the same time it does get draining when I see her and we seem to have a very one sided conversation about how difficult her life is now. I think I have resigned myself to just being a sympathetic ear whenever we meet up and trying to say all the right things.

Seeing so many of my friends having kids really doesn''t encourage me to jump on the bandwagon, they all seem so tired and miserable!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 2/18/2010 6:24:40 AM
Author: Smo
I have to ditto a lot of the responses here, people change when they have kids. I think you are going to be disappointed if you think otherwise.

A lot of my friends have just had their first or second child, whenever we get together (they are part of the same group) all they talk about is their kids and to be honest it is pretty boring for me, I usually only catch up with them when I am feeling guilty about missing so many lunches, dinner etc. I never really enjoy seeing them anymore and don't miss hanging out with them.

One girl in this group was quite a good friend until she had her baby. I think the biggest thing for us is that we no longer have the same frame of reference. She spent the first year as a SAHM and didn't really get out much so she only really had the baby to talk about. Now that she is back at work all she seems to do is complain about how tired she is, how unhelpful her husband is (he totally is) and how difficult life is generally. I don't blame her, because I think she really has it tough with such an unhelpful husband but at the same time it does get draining when I see her and we seem to have a very one sided conversation about how difficult her life is now. I think I have resigned myself to just being a sympathetic ear whenever we meet up and trying to say all the right things.

Seeing so many of my friends having kids really doesn't encourage me to jump on the bandwagon, they all seem so tired and miserable!

+1

I don't know one couple where the woman is happy with the divisiion of labor, where she is not the primary caregiver, and the primary person taking care of the household. Not one, in my entire life.

Everyone loves their babies though!

My friends are scattered around the country, so I didn't lose friendships over kids, and many of my friends don't have any yet... but the ones that have just brought their kids along, and it was no big deal. And I love babies, and kids, so it's not annoying to play with them and make our meet-ups kid friendly. When I have gone to their houses, they actually have left me with the kids so that they could get some alone time, LOL! I don't mind, since I would be totally stressed out and exhausted if I was a 24/7 parent too. I'm sure it's all about perspective, but most parents that I know ARE tired, and the strain the baby causes on the relationship tends to make them a little miserable... like they are mourning their changed marriage, and resentful of all the additional work with little additional help. I try to encourage them, but I certainly don't even their positions. It also gets better, as the kids get older... and more fun when you can interact with the kiddies too!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 2/18/2010 1:02:32 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 2/18/2010 6:24:40 AM

Author: Smo

I have to ditto a lot of the responses here, people change when they have kids. I think you are going to be disappointed if you think otherwise.


A lot of my friends have just had their first or second child, whenever we get together (they are part of the same group) all they talk about is their kids and to be honest it is pretty boring for me, I usually only catch up with them when I am feeling guilty about missing so many lunches, dinner etc. I never really enjoy seeing them anymore and don't miss hanging out with them.


One girl in this group was quite a good friend until she had her baby. I think the biggest thing for us is that we no longer have the same frame of reference. She spent the first year as a SAHM and didn't really get out much so she only really had the baby to talk about. Now that she is back at work all she seems to do is complain about how tired she is, how unhelpful her husband is (he totally is) and how difficult life is generally. I don't blame her, because I think she really has it tough with such an unhelpful husband but at the same time it does get draining when I see her and we seem to have a very one sided conversation about how difficult her life is now. I think I have resigned myself to just being a sympathetic ear whenever we meet up and trying to say all the right things.


Seeing so many of my friends having kids really doesn't encourage me to jump on the bandwagon, they all seem so tired and miserable!

+1


I don't know one couple where the woman is happy with the divisiion of labor, where she is not the primary caregiver, and the primary person taking care of the household. Not one, in my entire life.

Well then your friends have not trained their husbands because I would say that I am pretty darn happy with the division of labor in my house. At least as happy with it as before we had kids. Not to say we don't have spats, because we do. But we had spats about it before we had kids too so nothing has changed there!

And I have quite a few friends that feel the same way. My DH is my DH because he understands that I can't and won't do everything around the house. And the minute we decided to have kids that he needed to caretake too.

I think it's essential to lay down the law BEFORE having kids and be sure everyone is on the same page. If you quietly seethe about anything you'll be unhappy regardless of whether it's regarding kid care, pet care, house chores, whatever.

My DH understands my expectations because we talk about it and I clearly tell him what I need to be done. He has his chores, that he picked, and he does them. And he never denies me if I want to go out with my girlfriends or have time to myself. He LOVES spending time with his kids and doesn't view it as babysitting-because it's not!

It's all about the mindset of the wife and the husband. If you communicate well about it, it can be done.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/18/2010 1:09:03 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 2/18/2010 1:02:32 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 2/18/2010 6:24:40 AM

Author: Smo

I have to ditto a lot of the responses here, people change when they have kids. I think you are going to be disappointed if you think otherwise.


A lot of my friends have just had their first or second child, whenever we get together (they are part of the same group) all they talk about is their kids and to be honest it is pretty boring for me, I usually only catch up with them when I am feeling guilty about missing so many lunches, dinner etc. I never really enjoy seeing them anymore and don''t miss hanging out with them.


One girl in this group was quite a good friend until she had her baby. I think the biggest thing for us is that we no longer have the same frame of reference. She spent the first year as a SAHM and didn''t really get out much so she only really had the baby to talk about. Now that she is back at work all she seems to do is complain about how tired she is, how unhelpful her husband is (he totally is) and how difficult life is generally. I don''t blame her, because I think she really has it tough with such an unhelpful husband but at the same time it does get draining when I see her and we seem to have a very one sided conversation about how difficult her life is now. I think I have resigned myself to just being a sympathetic ear whenever we meet up and trying to say all the right things.


Seeing so many of my friends having kids really doesn''t encourage me to jump on the bandwagon, they all seem so tired and miserable!

+1


I don''t know one couple where the woman is happy with the divisiion of labor, where she is not the primary caregiver, and the primary person taking care of the household. Not one, in my entire life.

Well then your friends have not trained their husbands because I would say that I am pretty darn happy with the division of labor in my house. At least as happy with it as before we had kids. Not to say we don''t have spats, because we do. But we had spats about it before we had kids too so nothing has changed there!

And I have quite a few friends that feel the same way. My DH is my DH because he understands that I can''t and won''t do everything around the house. And the minute we decided to have kids that he needed to caretake too.

I think it''s essential to lay down the law BEFORE having kids and be sure everyone is on the same page. If you quietly seethe about anything you''ll be unhappy regardless of whether it''s regarding kid care, pet care, house chores, whatever.

My DH understands my expectations because we talk about it and I clearly tell him what I need to be done. He has his chores, that he picked, and he does them. And he never denies me if I want to go out with my girlfriends or have time to myself. He LOVES spending time with his kids and doesn''t view it as babysitting-because it''s not!

It''s all about the mindset of the wife and the husband. If you communicate well about it, it can be done.

Ditto NF. But admittedly, this is a struggle between many couples.

Unless the father is a SAHD, the mother WILL be the primary caregiver. It''s in our DNA. Last I checked, our boobs made the milk and we carried the babies to term.

The divison of labor in my house is not 50/50. Smart women realize this and that it is OK. (Clever women somehow make it 40/60 in their favor, lol.) But I feel that at the end of the day, it''s fair.

And psssssssst, here''s a secret...oftentimes it''s FUN to be the primary caregiver. Sure, bathing kids is a chore...but gosh, who knew water and a cup could be so much fun?

 

[E B]

Date: 2/18/2010 1:09:03 PM
Author: neatfreak

My DH understands my expectations because we talk about it and I clearly tell him what I need to be done. He has his chores, that he picked, and he does them. And he never denies me if I want to go out with my girlfriends or have time to myself. He LOVES spending time with his kids and doesn't view it as babysitting-because it's not!

It's all about the mindset of the wife and the husband. If you communicate well about it, it can be done.

AMEN!

I'm pleased with the division of labor in my household as well. We too have developed a system that gives each parent certain responsibilities as well time to him or herself, one we created in the first days of my son's life. It works well and we're both happy.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 2/18/2010 1:18:42 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/18/2010 1:09:03 PM
Author: neatfreak




Well then your friends have not trained their husbands because I would say that I am pretty darn happy with the division of labor in my house. At least as happy with it as before we had kids. Not to say we don't have spats, because we do. But we had spats about it before we had kids too so nothing has changed there!

And I have quite a few friends that feel the same way. My DH is my DH because he understands that I can't and won't do everything around the house. And the minute we decided to have kids that he needed to caretake too.

I think it's essential to lay down the law BEFORE having kids and be sure everyone is on the same page. If you quietly seethe about anything you'll be unhappy regardless of whether it's regarding kid care, pet care, house chores, whatever.

My DH understands my expectations because we talk about it and I clearly tell him what I need to be done. He has his chores, that he picked, and he does them. And he never denies me if I want to go out with my girlfriends or have time to myself. He LOVES spending time with his kids and doesn't view it as babysitting-because it's not!

It's all about the mindset of the wife and the husband. If you communicate well about it, it can be done.

Ditto NF. But admittedly, this is a struggle between many couples.

Unless the father is a SAHD, the mother WILL be the primary caregiver. It's in our DNA. Last I checked, our boobs made the milk and we carried the babies to term.

The divison of labor in my house is not 50/50. Smart women realize this and that it is OK. (Clever women somehow make it 40/60 in their favor, lol.) But I feel that at the end of the day, it's fair.

And psssssssst, here's a secret...oftentimes it's FUN to be the primary caregiver. Sure, bathing kids is a chore...but gosh, who knew water and a cup could be so much fun?

Since I am not a parent, I am not going to weigh in on Division of labor in the household, or how fun it is to bath kids (soooo true!), but listening to my friends GRIPE and COMPLAIN about them, constantly, is a very real change in our relationship. As long as the situation isn't abusive, I lend my ear, encourage them, and help when and how I can. And we certainly talk about other things, as well. Regardless, a new baby in the house is stressful for many households, and non-parent friends should know that it's a very real possiblitiy that you are going to learn a whole lot more about what goes on in your friends marriages than you bargained for.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 2/18/2010 1:18:42 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/18/2010 1:09:03 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 2/18/2010 1:02:32 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 2/18/2010 6:24:40 AM

Author: Smo

I have to ditto a lot of the responses here, people change when they have kids. I think you are going to be disappointed if you think otherwise.


A lot of my friends have just had their first or second child, whenever we get together (they are part of the same group) all they talk about is their kids and to be honest it is pretty boring for me, I usually only catch up with them when I am feeling guilty about missing so many lunches, dinner etc. I never really enjoy seeing them anymore and don''t miss hanging out with them.


One girl in this group was quite a good friend until she had her baby. I think the biggest thing for us is that we no longer have the same frame of reference. She spent the first year as a SAHM and didn''t really get out much so she only really had the baby to talk about. Now that she is back at work all she seems to do is complain about how tired she is, how unhelpful her husband is (he totally is) and how difficult life is generally. I don''t blame her, because I think she really has it tough with such an unhelpful husband but at the same time it does get draining when I see her and we seem to have a very one sided conversation about how difficult her life is now. I think I have resigned myself to just being a sympathetic ear whenever we meet up and trying to say all the right things.


Seeing so many of my friends having kids really doesn''t encourage me to jump on the bandwagon, they all seem so tired and miserable!

+1


I don''t know one couple where the woman is happy with the divisiion of labor, where she is not the primary caregiver, and the primary person taking care of the household. Not one, in my entire life.

Well then your friends have not trained their husbands because I would say that I am pretty darn happy with the division of labor in my house. At least as happy with it as before we had kids. Not to say we don''t have spats, because we do. But we had spats about it before we had kids too so nothing has changed there!

And I have quite a few friends that feel the same way. My DH is my DH because he understands that I can''t and won''t do everything around the house. And the minute we decided to have kids that he needed to caretake too.

I think it''s essential to lay down the law BEFORE having kids and be sure everyone is on the same page. If you quietly seethe about anything you''ll be unhappy regardless of whether it''s regarding kid care, pet care, house chores, whatever.

My DH understands my expectations because we talk about it and I clearly tell him what I need to be done. He has his chores, that he picked, and he does them. And he never denies me if I want to go out with my girlfriends or have time to myself. He LOVES spending time with his kids and doesn''t view it as babysitting-because it''s not!

It''s all about the mindset of the wife and the husband. If you communicate well about it, it can be done.

Ditto NF. But admittedly, this is a struggle between many couples.

Unless the father is a SAHD, the mother WILL be the primary caregiver. It''s in our DNA. Last I checked, our boobs made the milk and we carried the babies to term.

The divison of labor in my house is not 50/50. Smart women realize this and that it is OK. (Clever women somehow make it 40/60 in their favor, lol.) But I feel that at the end of the day, it''s fair.

And psssssssst, here''s a secret...oftentimes it''s FUN to be the primary caregiver. Sure, bathing kids is a chore...but gosh, who knew water and a cup could be so much fun?

Ditto to these. Even though I am a SAHM, I have enough to do every day without having to do EVERYTHING. Since I was miserable doing the "deep-cleaning" housework (as it is I spend several hours a day just doing the maintenance stuff - laundry, dishes, cooking, tidying, etc.), we just got a maid to come every two weeks to help out. Problem solved. Also, DH is great - when he comes home from work, he plays with DS for an hour and then puts him to bed. Then on the weekends, he takes him to his soccer and he takes over the child care for most of the weekend so that I get a break - because he loves spending time with his son, and he knows that I need a break as well.

I also think that a lot about how you view the "chore" of having kids is perspective. When I was in my early 20s, I worked with a stockbroker who would always come in telling crazy stories about his kids with a smile on his face. When I told him that he & his wife must feel so overwhelmed, he said, "Not at all. We try to view all of our experiences with our kids as a blessing - even the more trying times, because before you know it, they have outgrown those stages, and you miss them. If you see raising kids as an adventure instead of a chore, you will have a lot of fun with it."

I really liked what he said and took his attitude to heart, and DH feels the same way. Not every day is a picnic, and sometimes DS can be a PITA, but we both feel like raising a kid is the most fun that we''ve ever had. If anything, our relationship became much stronger when we had a kid, because to us it doesn''t feel like hard work - it''s fun, and our shared experiences with our son bond us. After we had a kid, several of my girlfriends did, and it''s taken a toll on their relationships. I have to say, though, that their husbands are not as involved or helpful as mine, so there is some resentment there. Maybe the difference is feeling like you''re doing it as a team, versus being on your own ...

 

[princesss]

Vesper, I think that''s a great attitude! I''m filing that away into my list of things to remember when we''re ready to have a kid.