Home Speaking of friends with babies....

[laughwithme]

So, this question has been in the back of my mind for awhile now, and seeing the post about people losing friends after they have a baby, has brought it back to the front of my mind.

My best friend of years is planning on having a baby sometime next year. Right now, we have “couples nights” once or twice a week. Nothing super late or crazy, just movies or sports games or game night. About a month ago, I sort of had a mini freak-out and told her that I am so worried about losing our friendship when she has a baby, since I am a good 4-5 years away from that whole scene – playgroups, TTC books, etc. The next 4-5 years of my life will be mostly travel, new home, spontaneous trips, and of course, friends (both this couple I’m speaking of and other friends.)

For those of you who are new moms and going through this issue…can you provide me with some advice? What do I need to do, as the not-yet-a-mom, to keep my relationship with my best friend? When I had this mini freak-out last month, we talked through it and she said everything we do will be the same…just add in a little baby. So, movie’s nights, game nights, dinners out, pedicures….none of that changes, except they will have a “plus one.” Is this just fantasy, or is this possible? I will completely and totally adore her children, and can’t wait for them to have a baby, and am totally 200% ok with a “plus one.” But, the stories I read on here make me wonder if we are living in a dream world, thinking that a new mom and a non-mom can still be best friends and maintain the same strength of their relationships.

Words of wisdom, anybody?

 

[princesss]

My friend with a baby and I still get together, just not as frequently. We generally get together at her house, since it''s baby proofed, and that way we can hang out but her daughter still has the same bed time/crib/etc. Stability for the baby comes first! So instead of going out for dinner, we''ll go over and bring drinks/dessert and they''ll cook, we''ll play with the baby, and then once she goes to bed we get plenty of hang out time.

 

[Blenheim]

I think the main thing that you can do to help her out is to understand that it is not going to be the same, and to be understanding and flexible. Going out to movies worked when he was a newborn and slept constantly, but now that he''s a bit older it doesn''t. But we''ll sometimes get a babysitter, or just watch movies in after he goes to bed. We can go out to dinner, but it needs to be a little bit earlier than it used to be. I personally wouldn''t get a pedicure with a baby in tow, but there''s no reason I couldn''t leave him with daddy and go out for a couple of hours. I think as long as you work with the changing situation and decide that it''s not going to get in the way of a friendship, you''ll be okay.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 2/15/2010 4:08:03 PM
Author:laughwithme

she said everything we do will be the same…just add in a little baby.

Well, don't know if I qualify to give "words of wisdom" (lol

) but I can tell you that you will find that the highlighted part will not be true and the sooner you realize this, the easier the transition will be.

Now, I'm not saying that your friend won't be the fabulous woman she is now. However, her priorities are going to change. I think one of the hardest parts of introducing a baby into ANY relationship is that people don't realize that your life changes until that baby is in the present.

My best friend and I didn't survive the birth of my DD because she and I both just couldn't understand that my life changed. She would expect a lot from me and because I didn't want to disappoint, I'd make my life way harder to accomodate. I'll give you an example. She hosted a murder mystery halloween party. She wanted my help in decorating the house. She had no idea how much trouble it was to ask me to dedicate my weekends to helping her decorate with a young baby that I was breastfeeding but I did it. She couldn't understand why I needed to leave her house by 7pm on a weekend to start DD's bedtime routine so I stayed beyond that time. She didn't understand what overtired meant and why my DD was screaming her head off but I just soothed as much as I could and kept working all to show her that our friendship was still the same.

On the night of her party I left DD with my mom. We were there for 2.5 hours when my mom called and said she couldn't find the milk I had left for her. I said "what do you mean, it's in the fridge, search for it" My mom calls back and says it's not there and then says she found a black bag on top of the dryer in the laundry room. 15oz of breastmilk left on the dryer since the morning before. 15oz of breastmilk that would have been enough to get my DD through the evening until I returned home completely ruined. I could hear my DD screaming in the background. I had to leave. There was no other choice. My best friend got really angry

. She said that I should have ensured before I left that everything was in order. I didn't know how to explain to her that the first thing I did every night was put the pumped milk in the fridge but the day before DD had been crying so I got home, put the bag down, soothed, then went to the store, did her bedtime routine, and completely forgot about the bag in the laundry room. It's one of those "sh!t happens" situations that for some reason come up all the time when you're a new mom. I didn't do it on purpose. The unfortunate part was that I had a friend that didn't get it.

Aside from that, there are going to be times when your friend will want to talk about the baby. I'm very fortunate in that I have an online community of wonderful friends that can talk to me about poop color, fevers, milestones, what kind of diapers we should buy, the latest toys, etc. so I get all of that out of my system before talking to my friends outside of PS. A lot of women don't have that and what you will find is that you, as the best friend, will become her outlet OR she will find mommy friends that she can talk to about this stuff and spend less time with you. It happens.

I think that if I were to give you advice I would say this:

1. Accept and embrace the change that is coming once she does bring a baby into her life.
2. Don't be afraid of poop.
3. When you feel that your friend is being "all about baby", stop and tactfully tell her that you want to talk about other stuff because you deserve to talk about what's going on in your life too, but pick your battles wisely and do it with love.

 

[tlh]

wow, fiery! I''m sorry your friend was so selfish, but wow.

OP, I do not have experience with this personally, but my brother''s BFFs are w/o children, and they get together about 2 times a month. My parents babysit the LO and they get together for dinner, movies, etc. My parents take the LO overnight- so this allows them a lot of flexibility with their friends and outtings. I think if your friend has a supportive network - and doesn''t mind overnights w/ the little one, than it should be fine... but I would expect some changes to the routine... that is only natural.

 

[zoebartlett]

We don''t have kids, but the majority of our friends do. I think that being flexible about things is key. I don''t think it''s realistic to think that things will remain the same either. Family life will be top priority and your friend probably won''t be able to get together as often or for as long once the baby is born. I think there often is a period of adjustment for friends once one of them starts a family. As long as you''re flexible and can understand that priorities will change, I think you''ll be fine.

 

[Pandora II]

Everything that Fiery said!

I didn''t believe my life would change as much as it has and I do admit that I find it much easier spending time with other people with kids than with my child-free friends.

I don''t do routines and do just take the baby anywhere and everywhere and I''m blessed with an easy going and very portable child, but many babies are not like that, or parents need routines for their own sanity.

I can manage to meet a friend for shopping and lunch - although if kiddo decides to melt-down they may end up eating lunch alone while I pace up and down outside - but cinema or anything of that sort is a definite no-no.

Above all the exhaustion and relentlessness of a small baby takes a huge toll on you and any relationship.

 

[Mara]

i have a 2 week old so i am kind of dealing with this now a bit. i agree that it won''t be as simple as adding baby into the mix... things like schedules and timing are going to play a big part in her new life, and she might not be as accessible to you as she used to be.

we have some friends who had a baby about 2 years ago, and actually for us our relationship didn''t change much at all. the biggest diff was that we would go to them and take them food for our couples nights instead of us going out to fancy restaurants. they would tell us the best time to come over (after baby was bathed and put down) and we would comply and bring the dinner. when the baby was young he would just sleep through most of it but he would fuss too and we might have needed to leave early. there were a lot of times they couldn''t come to something due to timing or scheduling or the baby''s nap etc. so we just made sure to make time to see them. now their boy is 2.5 years and they are able to do a lot more with him than when he was a baby.

it already is shaking out for me in terms of my new life with baby. a few of my ''good friends'' from before have barely said boo to me since the baby has come. one hasn''t even visited and says she is so busy socially she prob ''won''t see him til he is a teenager''. on the flip side, some people who i didn''t really even expect have made time to come visit, bring food or dessert for us, etc.

i would just say know that things are going to change and if you really value your friendship with her, which hopefully transcends this life change...know it''s going to be a huge transition for her, for you too of course but IMO mostly for her, and be accepting as well and patient with her. i know a fair amt of friendships that are just fine with a life change like this, but both parties have to be willing to try at it.

 

[laughwithme]

Thanks for everyone''s replies so far. I have heard a lot of you mention strict schedules and routines...I think that is one thing I have (naively) overlooked. E.g. that dinner reservations at 6:30 may not work, if baby''s bedtime is 7:30.

One thing that hopefully works in our favor is that the four of us (both couples) can make a perfect night of staying in for a movie and wine. So, even if baby is fussy or needs to be changed or breastfed, that can happen. We also will live about 5 minutes away from one another so getting together for those relaxed nights will be easy.

 

[Jas12]

No, it won''t be the same.
In the early months kids are portable and my DH and i, who usually went out to dinner every friday night with friends or family, easily kept up with that. Now we have a 2 year old, and although we still go out, it''s early and although my son is well behaved, i can''t have much of a conversation with anyone b/c well, he''s 2.
If your friend''s kid is well scheduled you can easily go over for dinner once he/she is in bed, but nights out are less likely. Also, it really depends on personality. I have a friend who was really social and had her first baby and has barely left the house in the past year. She''s not really interested in any life beyond her son, and that''s fine, but it''s hard to remain friends with her since she went thru such a major change. Some moms juggle everything or don''t mind being exhausted on a sunday b/c they went out with friends on saturday but still have to get up at 6am with a baby.
As others have said, be flexible, but understand that things will indeed change. It''s the degree they''ll change that is to be determined.

 

[LovelyHearts]

Your thread made my stomach tie up in knots because it hit so close to home. I''ve had 2 babies in the last 3 years, but my best friend and her husband are far from having a baby. She is actually terrified of the responsibility of taking care of anyone else but herself. We used to do alot together, but now, I hardly see her. I see her maybe every few months, if even that. I talk to her every day, but it isn''t the same. It''s to a point where she doesn''t even invite me to her events anymore and when I do find out about them, she tells me she didn''t invite me because it''s not baby friendly. She doesn''t feel like it''s important to incorporate my new family members into her life at all, so in reality we''re not best friends anymore, I guess. I''m just having a hard time letting go.

I think your relationship with her depends on how willing you are to be supportive of her new family and how willing you are to adapt to the new baby. You can still have couples night if you are willing to stay in instead of going to restaurants, and if you are willing to have blockbuster nights instead of movies at the theater. Also, time with her might mean planning baby friendly outtings. I think as long as you communicate and you are willing to grow with the situation, your friendship will be fine. Not exactly the same, but it will continue to grow.

I honestly think you are a sweetheart for thinking ahead and wanting to talk things over with her about how you are feeling. You should definitely continue to express your concerns and continue to keep the coummunication lines open.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Thankfully most of my friends are already moms, so this transition shouldn''t be too bad. But it wasn''t too long ago when I was in your position and almost lost a good friend because of it. It wasn''t that I didn''t get that things would change, what I had a problem with was the loss of my friend''s personality. She was no longer Melissa, she was A''s mom and everything she wanted to talk about was A. I missed my friend the person Melissa, not the mom Melissa. I couldn''t relate to her anymore.One day when she was recounting a tale about A''s most recent bowel movement I basically responded with, I understand that your life revolves around A now but I''m not "there" yet. Can we talk about something else?" I''m sure what I really said wasn''t that tactful because she got angry and we parted ways for several years, only being cordial when we saw one another at events.

Anyway, now that I''m expecting our friendship is totally different. She was the first person to say congrats and asks me about how I''m feeling every day. Had I known the conflict would be temporary until we got back to the same point in our lives I probably would have been a little more patient with her, but I had no way of knowing or understanding what motherhood would do to her identity. And now that A is older Melissa has regained some of her sense of self. I''m relying on her to smack me if I get so baby absorbed that I loose sight of who I am. So my point is that it might be a bumpy ride for awhile. Try to be understanding and remember that it''s not forever. You''ve just got to get back to the same life stage. Once you''re there things will work themselves out because you''ll be able to relate to one another and have commonalities again.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Well, we''ve only had a baby for 3.5 months, so I''m not sure we''re experts yet. But . . .

What your friend said is reasonable in some ways, unrealistic in others. The "plus one" works well with a small, non-mobile baby; it works less well with older children who won''t just lie on a blanket on the floor while you carry on with your evening and who have an early bedtime.

What you can do is what everyone is suggesting -- offer to bring dinner to their house. Our best friends come over a lot. They bring dinner, or we cook dinner, or we order in, but they''re happy to come over. Sometimes we go over there, but less often. Basically we just go out less and people come over more. But some of our friends we don''t see much because they don''t seem willing to make that kind of effort. And we have less time to be social during the week in general; we''re tired, and we''re feeding a baby all the time, and it''s more of a hassle to do things that were a piece of cake before.

 

[jas]

I agree that you are so sweet to be thinking about this!

Allow me to also add that sleep deprivation + a little person being 100% dependent on you 24 hours a day + hormones will indeed mess with your mind. She may not seem like herself for a long time. Or she may. My perspective on the world changed (and got very small) as my world was my babies until they were sleeping more regularly. I actually withdrew from my friendships for awhile because (a) I didn''t want to be "that mom" who only talks about being a mom...and at that point that was all I could talk about and (b) I was so tired that the thought of upholding my end of a conversation exhausted me. Also, leaving the house with baby (or, in my case, babies) is a Herculean task. Small people seem to need a ton o'' stuff. The convenience of being at home where everything is generally where it''s supposed to be, there is easy access to diapers, changing tables, milk/breastfeeding/bottles, familiar locations, change of clothes, burpies, nappies, lovies...it really makes a difference. As another person mentioned, the baby schedule becomes a precious thing to parents.

Now, I had twins, so I am sure I was pretty extreme, but I was so not myself for six months. I loved when people came over, (preferrably with meals/wine/take out menus/ or Doritos), didn''t blink at the state of chaos my house was in, didn''t wrinkle their noses at the random stinkies my kids made, and were happy sitting and playing board games or talking or watching a movie/tv. Man, I loved the tv watching nights. I never asked anyone to hold a baby, but was happy to hand one over whenever anyone indicated they wanted some baby time.

CALM and HAPPINESS were the best things people could bring to my house. The tornado folks...who would come, look around my house, start to clean it without asking, grab babies out of my hands, shove me out the door for "me time"...well, I really really know they were well intentioned, but that actually caused me stress. I KNOW that some people would probably love this, so if your friend is the type who is ok with you grabbing her Swiffer and kicking her butt out the door while her kid is screaming, then by all means do it.

Your mileage may vary, of course.

 

[jcrow]

our best friends had a baby girl and i thought our game nights/get-togethers would be be different or non-existent once she was born, but really, nothing changed. we still got together very frequently and did all the fun things we did before they had a baby. they''d put her to sleep and we''d break out the board games, etc. still lots of fun.

 

[Haven]

I also think it''s sweet of you to think about this and try to prepare so you can maintain your friendship.

From the other end of this question, as someone who does not have children but does have a huge amount of friends who do, I think that it really depends on the person. Some of our friends practically vanished from the face of the Earth, as far as we knew, as soon as their babies arrived. Others seem to just keep on living their lives as they were with small modifications for the kiddos. We''ve definitely grown apart from some people who used to be very close friends of ours, but we''ve maintained other close friendships after babies came, too.

 

[neatfreak]

Personally, I do think it's a bit delusional to think things will be the same but "plus one".

That's really just not a possibility for many of the reasons the other lovely ladies have mentioned.

Now that being said, if you can be accommodating and understand that your friend now has some new responsibilities you can certainly keep your friendship intact and still have a lot of fun.

I have a few very good friends without kids including one couple. We go out to dinner, we go shopping, we have them over for movies, etc.

Now if I want to get a pedicure I sure as heck am not going to bring the kiddos-that's nuts IMO. But I can arrange with my DH so I can go alone. And assuming your friend has a supportive hubby she will be able to do the same.

We still go out to dinner-it's just at 5:30. We still go to the movies, but it's on a night we can get a babysitter. I am sure you can see where this is going. It ISN'T anywhere near the same as before, but it's still fun and we are close with childless friends. So it certainly does not mean you will lose your friend if you are both committed to keeping the relationship.

We very often have our childless friends over to our house for an evening and that is the best of both worlds. No babysitter costs for us, the kids go to bed at 7, and we can stay up as late as we want.

That being said, my kids are over a year at this point. The first few months are just about survival and remember that your friend will be going through A LOT. Hormones are really really rough. So if you can be patient for the first number of months, and then can be flexible after that you certainly won't lose your friend.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Everything the previous gals have said is true.

But you can still spend lots of time with your friend... if you go over there in the evenings after her baby is asleep! This is how we socialized with out close friends who had kids before us. Lots of movies in and sitting up chatting. And back yard BBQs. Until you have kids of your own it is very easy to keep your friendship because *you* are so flexible. Once you have your own family is when it gets tougher, because you can''t both be home with the kids sleeping and also hang out!

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 2/15/2010 4:08:03 PM
Author:laughwithme

So, this question has been in the back of my mind for awhile now, and seeing the post about people losing friends after they have a baby, has brought it back to the front of my mind.

My best friend of years is planning on having a baby sometime next year. Right now, we have “couples nights” once or twice a week. Nothing super late or crazy, just movies or sports games or game night. About a month ago, I sort of had a mini freak-out and told her that I am so worried about losing our friendship when she has a baby, since I am a good 4-5 years away from that whole scene – playgroups, TTC books, etc. The next 4-5 years of my life will be mostly travel, new home, spontaneous trips, and of course, friends (both this couple I’m speaking of and other friends.)

For those of you who are new moms and going through this issue…can you provide me with some advice? What do I need to do, as the not-yet-a-mom, to keep my relationship with my best friend? When I had this mini freak-out last month, we talked through it and she said everything we do will be the same…just add in a little baby. So, movie’s nights, game nights, dinners out, pedicures….none of that changes, except they will have a “plus one.” Is this just fantasy, or is this possible? I will completely and totally adore her children, and can’t wait for them to have a baby, and am totally 200% ok with a “plus one.” But, the stories I read on here make me wonder if we are living in a dream world, thinking that a new mom and a non-mom can still be best friends and maintain the same strength of their relationships.

Words of wisdom, anybody?

I had a similar conversation several years ago with my best friend, who was then pregnant. I was not sure if I was ever going to be a mom and definitely not ready at that time. I was concerned about how things would change and she basically denied that things WOULD change. I was pretty sure they would.

Years later, we laugh about that conversation! Because YES, things did change! In the beginning, our friendship took somewhat of a backseat, because her whole world changed and while I was interested, I couldn't really relate. I was sad that I wasn't as close to her anymore. A few months went by. Then, we got into a new routine. We did like Mara said with her friends. Instead of meeting at a restaurant, we brought food to them, etc. I was interested when she talked about baby stuff but she also was interested when I talked about my life. All was good.

Now, I have a baby too. Our friendship has settled into yet a new routine. Now we do early dinners at eachother's houses. I will say that our friendship is as strong as ever, probably even stronger, but the kinds of things we can do together have changed.

I have definitely drifted from some of my friends now that I am a mom. It is easier to hang out with other moms because they "get it." I'm still close with my CLOSEST non-mom friends, it's the sort-of-friends who I have drifted from. Basically, there is a lot less time in my day now, so I have to be more selective as to how I spend it.

Anyway, I think you are on the right track thinking about that things might change and that you want to stay close friends. If you are willing to be more flexible in terms of making plans, and realize that you will be making most of the effort for a while as she gets adjusted to the changes in her life, and your friend is also willing to make your friendship a priority, I think you'll be fine!

ETA I wholeheartedly agree with just about everything the other ladies have said above!

 

[Girlrocks]

I think the "everything will be the same plus one" is unrealistic. I know a TON of people who think that their life in general will be the same after baby, but in general, that just doesn''t happen.

In the beginning, when the baby is sleeping most of the time and non-mobile, it may be no problem. Although with sleep deprivation, I personally can''t imagine getting together with friends a few nights a week-when mine were newborns, I was in bed as soon as they were!

But as the child gets older, it will be more difficult. Have you ever tried to play a board game with a 15 month old around? Not very easy. And getting a pedicure while a 2 year old runs around destroying the salon-not very nice or relaxing.

And chances are if you aren''t going to enter that phase for 4-5 years, this couple will probably have baby #2 before you have your first, and that just makes life even harder.

BUT, that doesn''t mean that you can''t still have a very close friendship, it just means that things will have to change and you will need to be flexible and BOTH of you need to be understanding of where the other one is. You can still do girl stuff together (dad watches the baby) and get together on Friday nights for example after the baby goes to bed, or they can get a sitter every other week so you don''t have to worry about the baby at all, etc.

I have had friends since I was 5 years old. We had kids within 5 years or so of each other. You go though ebbs and tides but in the end, we are still just as close.

 

[vespergirl]

This is a really great topic - it sounds like you & your friend are fun and flexible people, so with some minor changes (e.g. going to brunch on the weekends instead of dinner) you will definitely be able to maintain your friendship.

I am one of a group of 4 girlfriends/couples that had this same issue. I was the first one to get married/have a baby by a couple of years, even though we were in our early 30s at the time. Because I was the "odd one out" with a baby, I just tried to fit into their schedules as much as possible, and just bring the baby along. However, once our sleeping infant became an active baby, we skipped the fancy restaurant dinners and would instead plan to meet up with friends for brunch or something instead. We also hosted a lot of dinner parties at our house after we but DS down to bed at 7 pm - so we could still socialize kid-free sometimes. We also started getting DS a regular babysitter a couple of nights a month by the time he was 6 months old so that we could get out of the house without him & do grown-up stuff.

As far as schedules go, we were very strict with his nap & sleep schedule, but that mostly affected daytime plans when my friends were at work. I definitely wasn''t around to do stuff every day, but usually at least once every weekend we would still go out with friends, usually with the baby in tow.

Now, a few years later, the situation is reversed in that 3 of us have kids (I have a preschooler, the other two have toddlers, and all of us are pregnant with our second kids) and one is married but not trying for kids yet. She has actually privately pulled me aside to say that of all of our friends, she enjoys hanging out with us & our son the most, because we are much less high-maintenance with our kid-friendly needs. For example, we went to lunch once, all 4 couples. We picked a restaurant that required that strollers be parked in a designated area. One of my friends, the most high-maintenance, raised a stink & said that she refused to leave her enormous, $600 stroller out of her sight where she couldn''t see it, because she was afraid that someone would steal it, even though it would make it impossible for the servers to maneuver around our table. The rest of us thought that she was being a crazy PITA, and she wanted us to go to a different restaurant. Of course we refused & she eventually parked her stupid stroller where they told her too, but she pouted all through lunch, and I could totally see why people stop hanging out with some couples with kids (I have a kid & didn''t want to be around them that day).

Our philosophy when we had our son was that we are the grown-ups, and the ones in charge, so we expect our lives to go on basically as normal, and for our kids to conform to that - when they grow up, then they get to be in charge.

Of course we still do the trips to Disney World & Chuck E. Cheese & make sure that DS has opportunities for naps & gets to bed at a reasonable time, but we decided that we weren''t going to be so kid-centered that we would become unbearable to everyone else and unrecognizable to ourselves. As a result, our 3 year old son has never had a tantrum in a restaurant or store, and is a great traveller. He''s just always done those things with us, so he knows how to behave, and it makes our friends without kids still want to hang out with us.

 

[yssie]

My friendships have changed so much after getting engaged and moving to another state... I can''t begin to imagine how they''ll change with a baby! I''ll be first in my circle to cross that road, I think... with one friend it''s super easy - we''ve known each other for years, we talk on the phone every other day, we''re very caught up in each others'' lives and doings. With the other... very different. We probably talk every 2, 3 weeks - we''ll have one marathon conversation and then no contact for a long time. I think we''ve just moved on from the nightly dormroom gossip sessions... I do wonder, sometimes, why my relationships with them are so different though!

 

[jewelz617]

"When I had this mini freak-out last month, we talked through it and she said everything we do will be the same…just add in a little baby. So, movie’s nights, game nights, dinners out, pedicures….none of that changes, except they will have a “plus one.”

No, everything will not be the same. I was the exact same way when I first had my daughter. I thought we''d go out to lunch and catch up. Well, when you have a crying baby that doesn''t want to be in the carseat and needs a diaper change those meals get less frequent.

Movies? No baby is going to sit still let alone be quiet in a movie theater.

Everything is going to change. The sooner you understand that her priorities are going to change, the better. Babies are a 24/7 job.

 

[sparklyheart]

I just laugh when my friends tell me "nothing will change" after the baby arrives. I think it''s been more of a shock for them than for me. As a friend without a child you just have to be understanding of the fact that everything will take longer, there will be crying and tantrums, and there will be talk about poop. A lot of talk about poop. Things will end earlier than you want them to, and things will be cancelled because of any number of things. For me it has depended on the friend.. My best friend is great and whle things have changed, our friendship has not suffered. Another one uses the baby as an excuse for everything.. Don''t get mad moms, she used to use her husband, her hair, her nails, her stomach, whatever, as an excuse for why she didn''t want to leave the house or hang out with any of her friends.. Now she has the baby for that spot. I think if you have a good friendship and you both have an understanding of changes that will come and know that your friend with a baby is going to be exhausted and overwhelmed at times but that she probably still wants to be able to see you then I think things will be ok...just realize it''s all about the baby now, not about you or the mom!

 

[Sha]

I agree that it''s unrealistic for her to expect that things will remain the same - ''plus one''. It''s very easy to ''get up and go'' when it''s just you or your partner, but when you have a baby, it takes a lot more time and effort and planning. Plus, your time is no longer your own - it revolves around your little one and his/her needs. The first few weeks are usually a blur of diaper changes, naps, feedings etc. - - it''s pretty exhausting. If there''s time to spare, I think the priority for most moms at this stage is catching up some sleep, not heading out for a night of fun. Granted, when you have a new baby it''s wonderful to be able to get out of the house and socialize with friends. It gives you a welcome break from the ''baby routine'' and helps keep you connected to other aspects of your life. But your friend probably won''t be able to do that much until things settle down and she and the baby get into a comfortable routine- and even if she is able to go out, it probably won''t be 2-3 times a week like before.

Your activities may change as well - if she wants to bring the baby along. I personally wouldn''t take a young baby to the movies or a sports game, because of the noise and the need for constant soothing, changing etc.

 

[dcgator]

While I am not going to comment about your specific relationship with your friend, I will add what my experience has been as the "friend" without a child.

The situation/group dynamic: In our group of friends, there are very few of us married (maybe 3 now and 3 others engaged) and there is only the one couple with a baby, however, we are all in our late 20''s early 30''s. Unlike most of our friends, we are definitely on the baby track, so I really enjoy hanging out with the LO.

Anywho, so pre-baby, my DH and I would hang out with the particular couple by going out to dinner or for drinks, etc. We would also do fun summer activities like tubing or hanging by the pool. One on one with the girls, my friend and I would go to dinner or go running together or just hang out.

Now that baby has arrived, our activities have changed some, but not in any way that would break up our friendship or anything drastic like that. While our friends will not really join us for a full day activity (like tubing or a winery trip), they will occassionally join us for dinner. The LO comes along when they do come out, but due to bedtimes and such, they really don''t go out to much. I will occasionally accompany my friend when she has errands to do or something like that. And, when it''s not too cold outside, we will strap the little one in his running stroller and we will hit the running trails. More often than not though, my DH and I will go over to their house to chill/to have a drink, or they will bring the LO over to our house to hang out.

So, in my experience, the biggest change as the baby-less friend has been not going out as much (which can really be nice too, b/c it ends up being a lot less expensive

) and not doing particular activities. Other than that, as long as you are mindful of the LO''s schedule and are open to more in-home get togethers, I think you both will be ok.

Like any friendship, life happens, and if you are open to it, I think you guys will enjoy the new experiences.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hahaha...plus one the same? Hahahaha. Try taking a whole pie and trying to fit in an extra slice. Guaranteed to get MESSY!!

Good advice here. I''ll add my two cents...

#1 - People who are self absorbed before baby will be so after baby. Having a baby is all CONSUMING for anyone, so someone who is all about herself will be intolerable post baby.

#2 - The stuff people talk about in their own lives pre baby, even while self absorbed, can be amusing. Post baby, conversation gets irritating on both sides. Pre baby, topics usually include gossiping about others (snarky, but fun), relationship drama (always interesting, and misery loves company right?), work (more bitching) travel (exciting) etc etc. Post baby, one person talks about baby (let''s face it, even if you''re care about madonna and child, it''s not interesting conversation), and the other talks about their prebaby life - which make the depressed, hormonal new momma envious.

\

#3 - so find fun things to talk about that don''t involve either of you. Sure, you need time to share you lives, but steer to conversation to current events, gossip (again, always good), and topical matters. If there is one iota in your friend who wants to make an effort with you, she won''t dominate the conversation with baby. If she does, see #1, remember it and then go to #4.

#4 - C''est la vie. Friendships change. You two will be in drastically different places in your life and you shouldn''t feel guilty about finding people who have the same interests as you, just like she will all of the sudden be very interested in other mothers. The bottom line is that the onus will be on you if you want to sustain the friendship. She''ll be frazzled and engrossed in her life, even if she doesn''t want to be. Take time to touch base with her, show her you care, and try not to be offended and hurt if she doesn''t have the time for you that she once did. She will someday again have more time for you...probably right around the time you have kids and if you play your cards right, she''ll be a pillar of strength for you when you are frazzled, hormonal and self engrossed. As Mara mentioned, there is a reason that when one has a child, all her no baby friends don''t come around that much and the mothers in her life come around with food, support and enthusiasm.

Motherhood is very much a club - a sisterhood. The only way in is to have a child of your own. It''s hard to understand the goings-on if you''re not in the club and that''s OK...just be patient and do your best to know that the initiation process is very, VERY tough...worse than any fraternity hazing and just be supportive to your friend in the best way you know how.

 

[Sabine]

I agree with a lot of what was said already, and wanted to add that how much your friendship will change might also depend a lot on the temperament of the baby.

My ds really thrives on a strict schedule. And right now his schedule is: bottle, hour later solids, hour later nap. Wake up, bottle, hour later, solids, hourish later, nap. Wake up, bottle, hour and half later, solids, 6:30, bedtime. So within my whole day, I have less than an hour at most times before I need to be somewhere where I can feed him (and he gets really messy with the solids) or at home so he can nap. He won''t nap on the go anymore. So basically I don''t go anywhere unless it will take a total time of less than an hour or it''s after he''s asleep for the night and dh is home or we have a babysitter.

Not all kids need to be as scheduled as my ds, but I didn''t expect him to be this scheduled either. I''ve tried breaking the schedule for special occasions, but it usually backfires.

Now, we could have our friends over any time after 6:30 and not have a problem, but dh and I rarely go out together in the evenings, and when we do we like to reserve that for "date" time since we get so little time alone together. So basically we don''t go out much, period.

Another thing you''ll need to understand is that the best laid plans often go awry. Your friend may have to change plans and/or cancel at the last minute or with little notice because something comes up, and she will probably feel terrible and you will probably feel like you aren''t a priority, but it can''t be helped.

 

[ponder]

In a nut shell ....Less going out, more hanging out.

 

[Smo]

I have to ditto a lot of the responses here, people change when they have kids. I think you are going to be disappointed if you think otherwise.

A lot of my friends have just had their first or second child, whenever we get together (they are part of the same group) all they talk about is their kids and to be honest it is pretty boring for me, I usually only catch up with them when I am feeling guilty about missing so many lunches, dinner etc. I never really enjoy seeing them anymore and don''t miss hanging out with them.

One girl in this group was quite a good friend until she had her baby. I think the biggest thing for us is that we no longer have the same frame of reference. She spent the first year as a SAHM and didn''t really get out much so she only really had the baby to talk about. Now that she is back at work all she seems to do is complain about how tired she is, how unhelpful her husband is (he totally is) and how difficult life is generally. I don''t blame her, because I think she really has it tough with such an unhelpful husband but at the same time it does get draining when I see her and we seem to have a very one sided conversation about how difficult her life is now. I think I have resigned myself to just being a sympathetic ear whenever we meet up and trying to say all the right things.

Seeing so many of my friends having kids really doesn''t encourage me to jump on the bandwagon, they all seem so tired and miserable!