Sofa etiquette question

[nala]

I don't know if its a cultural thing, but I have a huge latino family and we love to throw parties. Think 30 people minimum for family alone. Anyhow, some of us have educated our kids to respect others' homes and furniture. Like don't eat on the couch, use coasters, etc. But another half of the family appears to be clueless and continually mistreats furniture. While I get the idea that to be a good host, you have to make sure your guests feel comfortable, it makes me cringe to see certain guests disrespect others homes. I have gotten used to their behavior at my house and adapted by not purchasing expensive furniture but I was discussing the issue with my sister BC she just got her house remodeled and will be hosting Xmas. She has no idea how to address the issue. Any advice? How do you deal with it?

 

[kenny]

Your post proves not everyone agrees on so-called etiquette.
I don't really like some of the baggage of the term etiquette.
It implies there is only one way, and everyone must get with the program, be the same (the RIGHT way) or be labeled wrong.

People just vary.

I'd say don't invite people over if you don't like how they are when they are just being themselves.
But I wouldn't even evoke the term etiquette.
I'd just say to myself, "I don't like that."

 

[nala]

I'd say don't invite people over if you don't like how they are when they are being themselves.

See, that's the mentality that half of my family shares. Yet, people know better than to be themselves at church, at a restaurant, etc. So why is it so hard to realize that they should only be themselves at home?

 

[kenny]

I'd say don't invite people over if you don't like how they are when they are being themselves.

See, that's the mentality that half of my family shares. Yet, people know better than to be themselves at church, at a restaurant, etc. So why is it so hard to realize that they should only be themselves at home?

People even vary in restaurants and churches.
Who's standards should apply to the world? Yours?

 

[kenny]

I'd write down all my rules and send them to the offenders.
I'd tell them they are invited only if they follow the rules.
My home. My rules. (because that's what this is really about about, isn't it?)
I will not invite them or take responsibility for my insistence on others following my rules and not evade responsibility by calling it etiquette.

I think we are happiest when we can be the same outside as we are inside.

Personally, I don't got to homes, churches or places where I do not want to be they way they want to be.

 

[nala]

I'd write down all my rules and send them to the offenders.
I'd tell them they are invited only if they follow the rules.
My home. My rules. (because that's what this is really about about, isn't it?)
I will not invite them or take responsibility for my insistence on others following my rules and not evade responsibility by calling it etiquitte.

I think we are happiest when we can be the same outside as we are inside.

Kenny, if I recall correctly, even you adapt to your in laws rules when you are staying for the holidays. I seem to recall a thread about the house being too hot. I'm sure you will post a link. Anyhow, you were asking others for advice BC YOU didn't know how to be yourself and still avoid conflict. I may have the details wrong but I'm sure you will enlighten me. What did you do and how did they get you to comply being the rebel that you are? How about some practical advice?

 

[kenny]

I'd write down all my rules and send them to the offenders.
I'd tell them they are invited only if they follow the rules.
My home. My rules. (because that's what this is really about about, isn't it?)
I will not invite them or take responsibility for my insistence on others following my rules and not evade responsibility by calling it etiquitte.

I think we are happiest when we can be the same outside as we are inside.

Kenny, if I recall correctly, even you adapt to your in laws rules when you are staying for the holidays. I seem to recall a thread about the house being too hot. I'm sure you will post a link. Anyhow, you were asking others for advice BC YOU didn't know how to be yourself and still avoid conflict. I may have the details wrong but I'm sure you will enlighten me. What did you do and how did they get you to comply being the rebel that you are? How about some practical advice?

I compromised.
I slept naked and opened the window in the guest bedroom we stayed in.
I fully opened the bathroom window when I showered.
During the day I walked around in flip flips shorts and a tank top.

Also about half the time I no longer join my SO when he goes there.

It's their home.
IMO it's up to me to adjust to them instead of fixing what's "wrong" about them.
That, or just don't visit them.

This T-Day I ate no turkey left overs the following days because after the big meal the turkey was left at room temp too long ... for me.
I guess I could look up food safety rules on .gov site and 'prove' to them that I'm right. but ... really?

BTW, you can do whatever you want.
You certainly don't need my input ... but you asked for input here.
What I do works for me.
Each of us must do what works for each of us.

BTW people who eat on the couch and don't use coasters are happy living that way.
They aren't wrong.
But if you invite them to your house knowing how they are then IMO you can try to ask them to not eat on the couch and please use coasters, but after a few tries they may not change.

 

[nala]

I'd write down all my rules and send them to the offenders.
I'd tell them they are invited only if they follow the rules.
My home. My rules. (because that's what this is really about about, isn't it?)
I will not invite them or take responsibility for my insistence on others following my rules and not evade responsibility by calling it etiquitte.

I think we are happiest when we can be the same outside as we are inside.

Kenny, if I recall correctly, even you adapt to your in laws rules when you are staying for the holidays. I seem to recall a thread about the house being too hot. I'm sure you will post a link. Anyhow, you were asking others for advice BC YOU didn't know how to be yourself and still avoid conflict. I may have the details wrong but I'm sure you will enlighten me. What did you do and how did they get you to comply being the rebel that you are? How about some practical advice?

I slept naked and opened the window in the guest bedroom we stayed in.
I opened the bathroom window when I was in the bathroom
During the day I walked around in flip flips shorts and a tank top.

Also about half the time I no longer join my SO when he goes there.

It's their home.
IMO it's up to me to adjust to them instead of fixing them.
That or stay away.

BTW, you can do whatever you want.
You certainly don't need my input ... but you asked for input here.
What I do works for me.
Each of us must do what works for each of us.

BTW people who eat on the couch and don't use coasters are happy living that way.
They aren't wrong.
But if you invite them to your house knowing how they are then IMO you can try to ask them to not eat on the couch and please use coasters, but after a few tries they may not change.

I already know what to do. If you read my post, I said I adapted. I said my sister is the one having issues. I am curious as to others views. What I infer from you is that you stop frequenting homes in which you don't feel at home. That is part of the conflict of the situation. The fear that if she sets rules, people who share your mentality will not go over. And it seems like 2 extremes. Furniture or family. Haha. Surely there has to be a middle ground. Hopefully others will chime in.

 

[kenny]

The fear that if she sets rules, people who share your mentality will not go over.

So?
Sounds like a win win.
She doesn't get water stains on her nice furniture, and they don't have to walk on eggshells.

Nothing makes people go bananas like family and holidays.

It's not necessary.
We don't have to pretend we live in that Norman Rockwell painting.

 

[amc80]

Kenny, didn't you just have a thread about a kid who didn't thank you or acknowledge you for some camera equipment? I guess he's allowed to do what he wants and you shouldn't care. Who says he has to do those things anyway. Respecting someone's property or saying thank you when someone gives you something both fall under etiquette and common courtesy.

 

[kenny]

Kenny, didn't you just have a thread about a kid who didn't thank you or acknowledge you for some camera equipment? I guess he's allowed to do what he wants and you shouldn't care. Who says he has to do those things anyway. Respecting someone's property or saying thank you when someone gives you something both fall under etiquette and common courtesy.

... and now that I know more about the kid I would not give him anything else or invite him to our home.
We can't change or control others, but we sure can decide who gets to be in our lives and our homes.

People will never be how we think they should be.
We can tie ourselves into pretzels over it ... or not.

 

[monarch64]

Kenny, don't be a dick!

OP, honestly I think that if you are anticipating company who doesn't observe the same set of manners as your family it's wise to put said members in a more "comfortable" place such as the patio, garage, or other place where there is seating that you're not worried will be damaged.

When we have large parties (guest list of 30+) we make sure to have available seating outside our usual living quarters. It makes everything easier. Yes, things still get stained, but we have a carpet shampooer and we have furniture that is easily cleaned. This might not work for you. In the event that it doesn't, I suggest slipcovers for all of your couches/sofas so that you can enjoy your party and not worry too much about your furniture. We have a great set from Bed/Bath/Beyond and the throw pillows (mostly) can be thrown in the washer/dryer.

Aside from those ideas, have you considered Saran Wrap?

Just kidding!!!

 

[chemgirl]

I remember my mom having a similar issue when I was growing up. She made sure to make plenty of coasters available and ran around moving glasses all night. She also left messy foods in the kitchen/dining area and had a table set up for the kids to eat at. She made a point of telling parents that kids aren't allowed to roam around with food at her house, they eat at a table. Although adults can make messes too, it helped to have the kids contained.

Eventually she started refusing to hoste so I don't think her efforts really helped.

I feel that disregard for my things is direct disrespect for me. When we were dating, DH refused to use coasters. I would constantly move his glass so that it would be on a coaster and he would just move it right off again. His dad told him that "Coasters are for losers" for some strange reason so he flat out refused to use them. I made it a hill to die on which seems crazy, but eventually worked.

We had one party after moving in to our latest house and the brand new dining room table was ruined. A 3 year old spilled water all over it and instead of letting me know, her parents covered it with a tray of food so the water absorbed into the wood, cracking and warping it. Now we stick to groups smaller than 12 and those particular people don't get invited.

It sounds like I value things over people, but to me it is a respect thing. You are at someone's house so be considerate of their things and follow the rules.

Goodluck!

 

[momhappy]

I don't have an issue with the term etiquette. I think that there are certain standards of common courtesy and respect that people should follow in certain social situations. I know exactly how you feel about kids and a lack of respect for people's things and it's so impolite. I see kids jumping in booths at restaurants, climbing on furniture in someone's home, etc. and it makes me cringe too. We have taught our kids that we respect things that don't belong to us just as we have taught them to use manners like please and thank you.
As far as how to handle it, I don't think that there's anything you can do unless it takes place in your home. If it was someone else's kids being disrespectful in my home, I'd simply say something like, "We don't do that in my house." You can't "parent" other people's kids in someone else's home, so I'd just let that go.

 

[tuffyluvr]

This is a really tough question, IMO, because the etiquette that comes as second nature to you obviously was not instilled into others. I think there are some gray areas in the matter of eating on the furniture and using coaster. I was raised with manners, but we never used coasters, so as a child I really I wouldn't have instinctively known to use one. Of course, now as an adult if someone has a stack of coasters on the coffee table, I know to use one, but as a child I would've had to been told.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking guests to conform to your house rules. Only after you've asked and they've bucked your rules does it become rude and disrespectful, IMO. I also believe that it's almost impossible to keep your home pristine when having large parties, and that's sort of an assumed responsibility of hosting. I hope that you are able to find a compromise that allows you to enjoy your family gathering without feeling disrespected or resentful. It sounds like you have a fun group, but not so much if you spend your time feeling irritated!

 

[partgypsy]

This is a really tough one, and I'm not sure how to answer this. Personally my husband and I have low standards and just want people to be comfortable, so if we invited a larger number of people over, I am expecting a certain amount of mess. Growing up in a Greek American family, you were supposed to bend over backwards for guests. The room with the nicest furniture (and white or off white carpet, couch!) was the living room which was reserved for guests only (we weren't supposed to be in there much, let alone have food drink etc in there). Yet at the same time everyone in that culture "knew" the rules, so they were on their best behavior as well while visiting, offer to help etc. Things work well when everyone is on the same page, whether it formal, or extremely relaxed/casual.

As a guest I would like to know what the rules are. If you want people to take off their shoes, make it obvious by asking when coming in, or have a place to take off shoes, model that behavior. The same thing if there is a room that is off limits for food and drink, make that clear by saying so! It's OK! I do have to say, if you know there is a group that is going to be extremely casual, it is best to have a space (basement rec room, kitchen etc) that it is ok for them to be themselves. Can even put chips, bucket of drinks etc in that place to cue that.

 

[Puppmom]

Nala, my family's a rowdy bunch. I host Christmas every year. It does result in wear and tear on my house - but I think that happens even when everyone is on their best behavior. Accidents happen and I don't have the space for everyone to have a formal seat. Rule is children eat only at the table. Adults can eat wherever they choose. I don't have many "nice" things for two reasons - things aren't that important to me and I have two small children and a very large dog - not exactly compatible with nice stuff. Before family parties though, I usually cover my sofa and love seat and take up my dining room rug. Last, I have no problem correcting other people's children in my home (take your shoes off after playing in the muddy yard, you may not have the juice box in the living room etc.).

We recently hosted our neighbors and I decided not to cover the furniture or put up the rug because it was last minute and I just didn't want to do all that prep. I ended up with marker on my sofa, and random black hand print on my bathroom wall and play-doh and juice on my rug. It all came out. And those three things occurred even though everyone was very respectful and the kids were well behaved. $hit happens.

It sounds like the issue with your sister is more that she is getting the feeling from some family members that they don't care if their carelessness results in damage to her things. That's unfortunate. If something in my house is damaged by a guest, that's not necessarily upsetting to me. But, if I invited someone into my home and they were careless, that would bother me regardless of the outcome.

 

[telephone89]

General rule - treat everyone (adults) well and equally. If I were your sister, I would try to 'party proof' the house as well as possible beforehand. Once they arrive, it is fair to outline your expectations. 'Oh welcome Janet! You can put your shoes here. We'll be eating in the dining room a bit later, but can I grab you a drink in the meantime?' If you want people to use coasters, leave them everywhere. If you see someone not using one, 'Oh here Uncle Joe, let me get you a coaster for that drink'. People will get it.

I also agree with a PP about correcting other kids. I would have no problems with steering the kids away from my white rug, nice furniture, etc.

 

[PintoBean]

I like that term - "party proof"!

How about getting holiday patterned table cloths to drape over all the tables - coffee tables, side tables, etc.
Get some holiday patterned sheets and cover the couches - tuck them into the nooks of the couch to better form fit the sheet?

Have a bunch of cups with tops and straws for the kids so that they are more "spill proof".

That's all I've got for now - there is a reason why I don't have people over

 

[ringbling17]

I think when you have people over it's a given that not all of them are going to treat your home the way you would want them to. It is what it is and sometimes you have to make exceptions. This is coming from someone who is OCDish and extremely anal about everything.

Some of the things that bug me are more hygiene issues, like the toilets. I'm constantly checking the toilets when people are over and find pee all over the seats and floor, toilet tissue outside of the wastebaskets and on the floor, etc. I can't understand why people can't pick up their toilet paper and dispose of it properly.

We don't wear shoes in our home, but when we have parties, there is no way I can stop 50 people from walking around the house with shoes on or eating wherever they want. I've just learned to deal with it and call the carpet cleaner company when everyone leaves, lol There's always a 2 rooms for $99 deal somewhere.

My one big issue is when people bring their dogs over. I had a party once where three people thought it would be cool to bring their untrained dogs to my house. They didn't ask me and had they asked me, I would of told them no. NO Dogs allowed. Not only did I have scratches all over the wood floors but also pee stains in different areas of the house and I found dog poop too. I couldn't even tell which dog did which mess, but I have a strong feeling it was my moms dog because I never saw her walk the dog the whole time she spent in my house. And when I asked her about it, she said the dog was trained to go on wee pads, but she never put any wee pads out for the dog. Go figure!

So after that I did tell everyone that they were welcome to our house, but I didn't want any pets. End of story.

 

[ringbling17]

Oh, for the coaster thing, I get that too. I put glass tops on my wood furniture. You can get all different sizes online that will fit over a wood coffee table or even a dining room table protector.
I even got some for my daughters desks in their rooms.
And IKEA sells really cheap glass coffee tables as well.