so upset

[ArtistJess]

okay, i''ve got a major problem. fiance and i are supposed to be married in may. he''s great in every way.. supportive, loving, easy to talk to, caring.. always cooking and taking care of our puppies. i love him so much. my problem is this: since we''ve been together 2+ years he has absolutely STRUGGLED to find work. he is a former member of the u.s. navy and has had some depression since he came back from iraq, but we''ve handled that. he seems very happy and carefree. i am a contract artist and don''t make much money and EVERY MONTH we struggle to pay bills. i absolutely cannot handle it any more. he has never brought in a single dime to the relationship. i pay for our food, bills, etc. he has been going out looking for jobs but "can''t find one" or "can''t get hired". his uncle owns a large company and will probably hire my fiance, but he keeps waiting until a contract gets signed so that the work is available, and every time i turn around the contract has been pushed back another week or month. i''m not sure if he''s telling the truth or what. i know he HAS looked, i''m just not sure whether to blame his unemployment on the economy or what. i''m so fed up. i considering putting my foot down but i don''t want to do this unfairly or in haste. wish i had some answers.

 

[Londongirl1]

I totally understand your frustration - I think that you need to have a good talk with your FI about your feelings on this matter BEFORE you say "I DO" so that you're both open and honest with each other. Money issues and other concerns will not magically disappear.

All the best

 

[LilyKat]

I''m sorry - what a tough situation.

Do you feel he has really tried his best to get work, and has just been unlucky? If that''s the case, I would stand by him and keep trying together - these are tough times for everyone and marriage is for richer and for poorer, after all. It may be that you yourself need an additional job to help pay the bills, even if that''s stacking shelves - anything to bring the money in. Maybe you''ve done this already, but has he let you help him with his search? Could you help him with his resume, interview practice, looking for opportunities, getting extra qualifications and skills?

However, if you feel he''s not really tried or has a poor work ethic... that''s a different matter and I can see it being a recipe for resentment. If that''s the case, you should take a look at the life that''s ahead of you both and ask yourself, honestly, if it''s what you really want.

 

[iheartscience]

I would only marry him if you're okay with the status quo. And of course, you're not, which is why you're posting here.

2 years of unemployment (he can't even get a job stocking shelves somewhere?!) on his part does not bode well for his future employment status. And if it's his depression that's holding him back, I still say that's an issue worth calling the wedding off for. He needs to deal with his issues so he can be a functioning, contributing partner in your relationship. It sounds like he's not trying too hard to change the situation. I would think that after 2 years of no job he'd be exploring other options like going to college/vocational school.

Also, totally not my business, but how are you even paying for a wedding if you can't pay your bills every month?

 

[mrscushion]

Well, the economy IS making it really tough for many to find work. It''s hard. I''m sorry!

That said, it sounds like you are starting to have some doubts about your FI''s efforts... and that''s not good. LilyKat''s making a good point -- can you help him with his job search and applications? Maybe if you tackle it together, it will revive his efforts at a point where he might be feeling pretty down about his prospects.

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 12/27/2009 5:02:26 PM
Author: LilyKat
I'm sorry - what a tough situation.


Do you feel he has really tried his best to get work, and has just been unlucky? If that's the case, I would stand by him and keep trying together - these are tough times for everyone and marriage is for richer and for poorer, after all. It may be that you yourself need an additional job to help pay the bills, even if that's stacking shelves - anything to bring the money in. Maybe you've done this already, but has he let you help him with his search? Could you help him with his resume, interview practice, looking for opportunities, getting extra qualifications and skills?


However, if you feel he's not really tried or has a poor work ethic... that's a different matter and I can see it being a recipe for resentment. If that's the case, you should take a look at the life that's ahead of you both and ask yourself, honestly, if it's what you really want.

Ditto this exactly!

My husband is currently in the Navy (and has also served in Iraq!) and one of the reasons he chose to re-enlist earlier this year was because of the horrible economy. In our situation, it is I that have been unemployed for 14 months, and I just can't find a job to save my life. I have three bachelor's degrees, but have applied for everything from a cashier at Target to dog groomer to ticket taker at the movie theater, and haven't been able to get anything because I'm in a weird position where I am too qualified for some jobs but not qualified enough for the ones I really would love in my field. My husband has been very supportive of me, but it's because he knows that I have been pounding the pavement and not just sitting on my butt all day. I make a point of letting him know about all the positions I apply for, when I get a call back, etc. I want him to know I value his help and that I'm trying to contribute as well. I also volunteer and took an unpaid internship so that I can at least gain experience even though I'm not getting paid. That also shows that I am actively working toward my goal.

If your fiance is really looking for work daily and you think he's just having a tough go at it because of the country's current situation, then I think it's okay to continue supporting him provided he continues the search. If, however, (and this is what it seems like to me) he is just getting comfortable in his not having to work, it's a huge red flag and I couldn't, in good faith, enter a marriage until that issue had been discussed and was at least on the way to being resolved.

Additionally, does your fiance qualify for free VA counseling for his depression/probably PTSD? It might be worth looking into. Even if he seems "carefree", he may still be depressed, contributing to his lack of motivation to find a job.

 

[iheartscience]

I don''t see anything wrong with the OP helping him here or there, but hunting down a job should be her fiance''s responsibility, not hers. He apparently does nothing all day but play with dogs and cook...I think he probably has plenty of time to job hunt online and in the papers.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 12/27/2009 5:09:46 PM
Author: thing2of2
I would only marry him if you're okay with the status quo. And of course, you're not, which is why you're posting here.

2 years of unemployment (he can't even get a job stocking shelves somewhere?!) on his part does not bode well for his future employment status. And if it's his depression that's holding him back, I still say that's an issue worth calling the wedding off for. He needs to deal with his issues so he can be a functioning, contributing partner in your relationship. It sounds like he's not trying too hard to change the situation. I would think that after 2 years of no job he'd be exploring other options like going to college/vocational school.

Also, totally not my business, but how are you even paying for a wedding if you can't pay your bills every month?

thing2of2 - I think you've hit the nail on the head. This isn't about not find a job because of the economy but I think it does deeper and beyond that - especially after 2 years. I don't know what area the OP is in but my sister is a Program Director for a Workforce Centre in LA and is providing financial assistance for college / vocational school & training to get people back to work - so yes there are other options.

As I said earlier, a good talk is needed here.

 

[Prana]

Hi Artist- I work for the Veteran''s Administration hospital, so I see first hand what is now happening to the veteran''s of our latest war. Your veteran is not alone in his struggles...Many are coming back from serving over seas and just aren''t able to carry out normal civilian life. I completely understand your frustration. I hope that you are able to remain supportive with him, as I''m sure your struggles will continue.

I have also noticed (and I don''t mean any negativity with what I''m about to say here), that a lot of vets are coming back and feeling entitled to higher positions and better jobs than they may be qualified for. I am a huge advocate for vets rights, and do believe that they deserve certain special treatments for their time served, but unfortunately many vets are not getting jobs that they feel are appropriate for them secondary to their time and effort in the war, and therefore, do not last. Many times these veterans have a hard time working ''under'' somebody, such as a manager, this stemming from their living in very high anxiety life-or-death situations for no less than 6 months at a time. They have to make serious decisions on their own or with their company, and then they come back here and just cannot adjust to having to work ''for'' or ''under'' somebody.

I don''t really have any suggestions for you as far as finding work for him, the VA does have some temporary, low paying positions, but these aren''t really ideal for a young man who needs serious work. You might want to avoid having him work for your family member, in case it doesn''t work out with his employment there, or ends badly.

Again, I cannot speak for every vet, but this is the general pattern that we are seeing.

 

[KimberlyH]

I am a firm believer in the idea that you marry a person for who they are, not who you hope they might become. Your fiance is a person who doesn''t work and only you can decide if that is something you can live with.

I have a friend who married a man after 5 years of dating a man who never held down a job (he has a graduate degree and the loans to prove it and works part time, under the table for his parents making next to nothing). They''ve been married for 5 years and have a child. It has been very hard on her and at certain points she''s thought of leaving him, but so far they are still together as she wants him more than she wants to be alone or to find someone who is employed. Their relationship can be quite strained, but they do love one another and she is now accepting of the fact that she will always be the primary earner in their household. That could change in the future.

Point being we get to make choices, only you know if you can live with the choices he makes, but don''t marry him expecting change.

 

[swingirl]

No way would I be engaged or living with a man who was unable to support himself. Whatever the reason may be; depression, bad economy, or no skills, that is something he would need to figure out before taking on the responsibility of a wife and possible family.

At this point you don't know if this is a temporary or permanent situation. If you are okay with this being a permanent situation and you will always be the only bread winner you need to find something other than contract work that give retirement and medical benefits for both of you.

I read in one of your threads that you and FI are planning a honeymoon. You said, "we are paying for it ourselves." Is he contributing to the cost?

 

[junebug17]

I agree that it is time to sit down and have a serious talk. It's time to try to figure out exactly what is going on here. It would be difficult for me to marry someone who was not employed throughout the entire relationship. If I were unemployed, I would make finding a job my full-time job, kwim? I know you say he has been looking, but maybe it's time to take a look at how hard he is trying. I understand your dilemma, I know how bad the economy is right now and that many are struggling, but I think you need to get a better idea of exactly what is going on with your fiance, and his job hunting, and also develope more of a plan as to what he is going to do with his future (such as college, vocational school, etc).

eta: I notice you say that "we" are struggling to pay the bills...actually, you are struggling. I'm not trying to be nasty, but I find it a little disconcerting that he is "happy and carefree" while you work to cover your expenses. As I said, a serious talk is in order so you can let him know how you feel and discuss your future together.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Ditto to the others who said it is time for some soul-searching on your part, and a heart-to-heart conversation with your FI. Only you can know if you are "OK" or not with him not holding down a job, but regardless, you need to understand the real reasons for the situation. I definitely agree with those who said you can''t change him though, so whatever the underlying causes, I think you have to seriously consider whether you can live with the status quo, and if not, what kind of compromise you could be willing to accept (if any).

 

[ArtistJess]

i appreciate all of the responses. i was really upset when i posted that.. i have relaxed a little bit since then, and most of that stems from our talk we had this afternoon. i sat him down and talked to him again about our situation. he seemed compassionate and very willing to make some changes. i told him i was to the point where i HAVE to have help. he insists that he's been putting applications in all over our town. however, we live in a small college town where employment opportunities are few and far between. he invited me to go out with him this week (for support i'm sure) so i'm going to ride with him while he puts in applications everywhere again and again.. over and over again. i don't feel as alone in our struggles anymore now that he knows how hurt i am over this whole situation. i have hinted at it before, but not to this extent i don't think. i even suggested pushing the wedding back until we can get on our feet financially (and i meant it.. it was not a dry threat) but he insists that he will make something happen over the next month or so, so we will see. i love him and i would never want to leave him over this. i want to continue to remain supportive, but the truth is that i need some help from him and could never support our family by myself on the salary i'm making now. i love my job.. it's the first job i've EVER liked. in fact, we just moved cross-country because i was working a job i HATED and making good money supporting us both, but quit because i found another job and was getting so depressed at the last one. only problem is that this new job doesn't pay near as much. before i quit, we agreed that he would find a job and help pay half the bills (which i think is only fair).

girlface, i think you hit the nail on the head. he is back from iraq after fighting for our country and even killing someone in the war. in fact, he was in the navy so he also spent years in a sub under the water. i know he still struggles with it all, but things are slowly starting to get back to normal for him. he definitely falls into the category of the group of soldiers not really wanting to work under anyone. he has always told me he feels like a "leader" and would like to start his own business. he is going back to school to get his business degree in may after the wedding, so we will get a bit of money from the military after that.. but may is still 4 months away and bills are piling up. to this point i have been able to manage, but my contract job this month does not end until after the first of the month, which means no rent money.

swingirl, i meant me. he has no help or support from his family, so i would be the one paying for our honeymoon if we took one.. but i doubt we will be able to take one now unless things change monetarily before the wedding.

 

[ArtistJess]

oh, and it is his uncle that owns the company, not mine. so he would be hired into his own family.

 

[Prana]

Is he service connected at all? Maybe he could go to the VA and try to get service connected for any post war issues he may have- (PTSD, hearing loss, vision problems, skin problems, the list can go on and on.) He would get a monthly compensation check for any service connections, and while it may only be a little money, it would ease the strain, and he certainly deserves what he is owed by the government for his time served and the troubles he has been through and will continue to have.

School is the best thing he can do for himself, I hope that it is paid for under the GI bill. Did he receive any special training while in the Navy that he could put to use as a civiilian? I''m sure you''ve already thought about that. He might want to think of dual majoring in business and something else that will guarantee him a job, as a business degree might be a little broad and put him in a position that he does have to work for or ''under'' somebody for a little while. I know you said that he has intentions of opening his own business, but he does not necessarily need a degree to do that, and quite frankly, may never act on it. Just my 2cents.

I know it''s extremely difficult, but the best thing you can do to help him is continue to be supportive, but DO NOT let him flounder around. No excuses. Not saying that he and his successes are your responsibility, but it sounds to me like you are invested with him ,and in your relationship.

 

[junebug17]

Glad to hear that you and he had a good talk about this, especially since he didn''t realize how concerned you were over the situation. I didn''t realize you lived in a small college town, I could see where that would limit his opportunities (I live in an area close to a large city, with malls and strip malls all over the place, so I was thinking along those lines.) Has he tried the college? I will be hoping and praying he finds something soon!

 

[House Cat]

When he goes to school, he will receive the GI bill so his tuition will be paid. The other part of the GI bill is used for living expenses, etc and goes in pocket. Here is a calculator for post 9/11 GI Bill benefits: link. This calculator shows what goes in pocket. He can also receive the navy college fund, more money in pocket per month (about $950.) School starts in January. I'm not sure why he's waiting until May, when he could be bringing home money starting in January and starting his education. I would say, maybe push your wedding date so that it is after finals, but I would encourage him to start school now.

If depression and PTSD are indeed issues for him due to his time in the service, then it is time for him to seek help. These things never get better on their own. Enough time has passed to prove this. The VA has become very progressive with their treatments in the last few years. He could get very real help for what he is going through and begin to feel like himself again. He doesn't have to suffer.

 

[Pushin40]

ArtistJess - I feel for ya. My FI has been employed off and on for the last 6 years. More off than on. This ecomony is F*ing HORRIBLE.

FI is highly skilled and can't just get a job doing whatever P/T work. And even if he could have, an extra $200 a week wouldn't have had any impact on the grand scheme of things., Nobody wants to hire a grown up professional man to take a low paying job while he looks for a "real" job. It ain't gonna happen. Trust me. And sometimes it makes NO difference how hard you try.

Fortunatley, he is working now. But there are others out there who, I have a feeling, just don't understand what is going on in this country. And they won't until its hits them head on.

I personally thank George Bush for ALMOST completely destroying our lives. It's going to take us years to dig out of this hole. If we didn't have savings we would be homeless. And thats no joke.

 

[tlh]

sonny jane and OP - I''d leave off your college degrees and skills when applying to work at Target etc. The school experience doesn''t matter - and can be a quick way to the discard pile. sad but true.

I''m sorry to read about your frustrations. I do think it is weird that he hasn''t been employed under his uncle''s company, but the economy has been tough for a lot of people, and I wouldn''t be surprised if his uncle didn''t have the budget to hire him, even though he''d like to.

My questions would be, has he done anything to try to expand what he can do? Ie, trade schools, unpaid internships, or anything to help him get a foot in the door. I know the economy is bad now, but it wasn''t so awful 2 years ago... and it will improve again. So based on your observations, is he not really looking - in that he''s looking for the perfect job, or is he willing to take anything, and DO anything, but just cannot find the work... is he willing to move to travel for job interviews - etc... is your work as a contract artist provide enough flexibility locationwise for you to be able to move - if he were to find a job in another market...

the longer your gap in between jobs, the more undesirable you become to employers. So even though your SO may be looking, this gap is working against him, and may be sending him to the discard pile, before even giving him any consideration.

I''d make sure that whatever he''s doing in the interum, whether it be paid or not, is something that can put on the resume, even if it is simply volunteering at a shelter - SOMETHING. Because, the gaps, could be an increasing frustration with his search, and why he may be legitimately looking... and just not getting any call backs.

I hope that your and your so''s situation improves, as marriage has its ups and downs... and may this swiftly be in your past, and the worst of your troubles.

 

[zoebartlett]

First of all, Jess, I'm sorry that you and your FI are going through such a hard time. I've been there and it's not fun (my husband was unemployed for 6 months and we had to relocate to a new area of the country for the job he did finally get). My husband and I handle job searching very differently, and it's really not easy to sit back and watch someone else do things in a different way than you would (it sounds like this may be the case with you and your FI, which is why I brought it up). I really wish you all the best!

Second, I don't know if your FI has depression or not (I'm not a doctor), but I do know that unemployment situations can really play a part in making someone feel depressed. Combining that with his tour in Iraq, I can only imagine what your FI might be going through. ETA: I know you said that you had dealt with that but it wouldn't surprise me if his depression is still there. Again, I'm not a professional in that field but it doesn't see to me like it's completely disappeared.

I know he's going through a difficult time right now, but frankly, so are you. It should not be solely up to you to make things work financially. You are in a partnership and your FI should be willing to do whatever it takes to bring money in. It's a nice thought to want to help your FI look for a job, but it's ultimately up to him. He has to do the work and not sit back and let you do things for him. Looking for a job should be a full time job, in my opinion. How he handles this situation could be very telling, but that's just me.

 

[ArtistJess]

thank you all so much for your kind words. i can't tell you how nice it is to be able to come here, vent to complete strangers, and have them relate to my issues.

just a quick update.. after our heart-to-heart a couple of days ago, fiance went out and looked for jobs and actually got one today!! it's just a small part time job working as a server at a local restaurant, but at least it will help us pay the bills! and he will be bringing money home on a daily basis, which is great too. i am sooo happy that he actually took my words to heart and took some ACTION, and also that someone actually decided to give him a job after months of trying.

we probably wont ever be rich, by any means, but at least i will be getting some help now which is HUGE. maybe it will feel more like a partnership now.

he will be going back to finish his degree in march so he will be getting some money from the va at that time. someone asked me why he couldn't go back in january.. the school he is going to is on the quarter system, which means that the new quarter will start at the very beginning of march. he plans to continue to work at this job while he is in school, and i will be getting a few bigger contract jobs in the near future. maybe things will start to ease up financially, and if we're lucky, maybe we'll even be able to afford a small trip to the coast for our honeymoon (dream big!)

thank you again for all of your kind words and thoughts.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Artist Jess, I am so glad to hear that he got a job today!!!! I''m on my way out right now, but will post more later. I can empathize in many ways as my DH went through a long period of unemployment. For now, congrats on him getting a job and big hugs to you!

 

[katamari]

So glad to hear your FI got a job! And one that will be flexible with his work schedule. In this market, it is really hard to get any job without a degree and part of his depression/stagnation was a loss of confidence from the constant nos. Hopefully this job and finishing school will build his confidence up so that he can easily translate these successes into an being a better partner for you and finding a promising post-college career.

 

[ArtistJess]

kat- you are EXACTLY right. he kept getting down because he just couldn''t find anything. i''m really proud of him for taking my words to heart and going out there to find SOMETHING.

hugs

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I''m back

With my DH, when he was out of work we were dating, unbeknownst to me he had started purchasing my dream ring. That feel apart when he couldn''t find work, he got very depressed, and he was stuck in a vicious cycle (depression made it hard to look for work (though he still did look pretty consistently but nothing worked out

, not having work made him more depressed, and the more depressed he was the less willing he was to look for work he though was "beneath him".

It was a really rough 18 months for him and for us.

I am so excited for you both that he found a job and hope that this is the beginning of a whole new era for you both.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Yay!! So glad to hear he found a job and you are feeling less stressed!! Fingers crossed for that honeymoon

 

[Pushin40]

SUCH good news! What a great beginning to the New Year!!!

 

[vc10um]

What wonderful news, Jess!!! Hopefully this brings much more balance to your relationship!!!

 

[AmberGretchen]

So glad to hear that your FI got a job Jess - it sounds like you two are both really working hard to make it work together, and I think that is wonderful!!