So sad, and confused...advice please?

[Po10472]

She is in an abusive relationship where she can''t get out cos she is in love with this man and will do anything and everything for him. And he knows it and can get away with it so he will continue to treat her like this until she decides to leave him. Love is blind, she cannot see what it happening to her and he''s so controlling he''s even got her thinking that you are against her and its all your fault. Bullsheeet!!

There is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will change the situation however I don''t think you should walk out of her life when she needs to know you are there. Even if she isn''t being the best friend to you right now, just think what she''s going through emotionally. She''s trapped and therefore all sense and reason go out the window. You can see what''s happening to her, but you''re not feeling what she''s feeling so therefore you can''t understand in her eyes.

You don''t want to lose her I understand that and you don''t want to see her get hurt but do you really want to leave her in her time of need? I think you step back and give her room to make her mistakes, don''t offer the reason why you''re doing it, somewhere deep down in her ''emotionally conscious'' self, she''ll realise why you''re doing it.

When she makes the right choice she will come looking for you and if you''re not there then that will break her heart. There is no timescale here, it could take weeks, months, years but let her come to you.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 2/4/2009 3:10:35 PM
Author: Po10472

She is in an abusive relationship where she can''t get out cos she is in love with this man and will do anything and everything for him. And he knows it and can get away with it so he will continue to treat her like this until she decides to leave him. Love is blind, she cannot see what it happening to her and he''s so controlling he''s even got her thinking that you are against her and its all your fault. Bullsheeet!!

There is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will change the situation however I don''t think you should walk out of her life when she needs to know you are there. Even if she isn''t being the best friend to you right now, just think what she''s going through emotionally. She''s trapped and therefore all sense and reason go out the window. You can see what''s happening to her, but you''re not feeling what she''s feeling so therefore you can''t understand in her eyes.

You don''t want to lose her I understand that and you don''t want to see her get hurt but do you really want to leave her in her time of need? I think you step back and give her room to make her mistakes, don''t offer the reason why you''re doing it, somewhere deep down in her ''emotionally conscious'' self, she''ll realise why you''re doing it.

When she makes the right choice she will come looking for you and if you''re not there then that will break her heart. There is no timescale here, it could take weeks, months, years but let her come to you.

Thank you for your kind advice, I appreciate it!

 

[bee*]

Date: 2/4/2009 2:11:39 PM
Author: AmberGretchen

Date: 2/4/2009 12:51:33 PM

Author: neatfreak

I think you just distance yourself for now. Tell her something like ''L, I love you and will always be there for you, but I cannot support this choice you are making right now, so I need to distance myself for awhile.'' Might be harsh, but sometimes you have to put yourself and your health first.

I agree too - at some point you have to protect yourself, emotionally and otherwise, and I think you''ve reached that point.

ditto both posts. You need to distance yourself for a while.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Date: 2/4/2009 2:11:39 PM
Author: AmberGretchen

Date: 2/4/2009 12:51:33 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think you just distance yourself for now. Tell her something like ''L, I love you and will always be there for you, but I cannot support this choice you are making right now, so I need to distance myself for awhile.'' Might be harsh, but sometimes you have to put yourself and your health first.

I agree too - at some point you have to protect yourself, emotionally and otherwise, and I think you''ve reached that point.

I could not agree more. Her realationship with him is not healthy and it is going to make your life miserable too...you need to distant yourself now and keep it that way until she is rid of him for good.

 

[DebShine]

First off, let me say how sorry I am you are going through this. The feelings of helplessness, frustation, sadness, rejection... it all adds up.

Secondly, let me also say how much I feel for your friend. She is probably feeling very lonely, also rejected by the man who is supposed to love her, and I''m guessing she feels very "little" for herself right now. It''s not a good place to be. However, it is the place she is and only she can change that.

I have to ditto much of what was said on here and I think you probably are getting the jist of it even though it is sad for you.

The only piece of advice I have is to write her a letter of love and well wishes and why you feel the need to distance yourself from her relationship, hence HER also. It will help you cleanse your soul and someday she can hold it in her hands when she decides sif he truly needs and wants you as a friend again.

I have seen this type of situation. Just because your friend is being treated poorly, doesn''t mean she can treat those that love her poorly. Support her with love from a distance.

I''ll pray that she gets the help she needs. Ohhh... I just thought of something. There is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that you may want to read before you write the letter (if you decide to do so). It''s a smaller book and easy read and even scanning it will help you find the parts suited for you. THEN give it to her. She needs it badly, but so do you. It''s amazing how far addictions reach.

Best wishes!
Debby

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Bee*, yesterday was the first time, in a long time, that I didn''t go out of my way to contact her...I didn''t call her, or text...and in return she may no effort to contact me about anything really relievent, her husbands cousin had a baby, so she sent me pictures via picturemail, and texts about that...but, it was "empty". Today, I am going to do the same thing...as much as it hurts, I slept really well last night which means there is some part of me at peace.

Diamond*Dana, you''re absolutely right...her relationship is unhealthy and there is no real reason to drag myself down into the mud with her when clearly she''s not being open and honest with me. I am the type of friend that is 100% whenever/wherever...and if she was coming from a place of honesty with me, I''d happily endure the pitfalls of her divorce right along with her. I think most of my frusteration is coming from the fact that she is, more or less, keeping secrets. Like, instead of saying "Ashley, I love R and I want my marriage to work...so please, if you can, find a way to be on my side"--I could at least give that a shot, I would at least try to find a way to be a good friend. But, she''s not giving me the opportunity to even be supportive. I always believe if you have to lie about something, it''s because you know it''s wrong...and I believe that is where is with her marriage, its something that shames her.

DebShine, thank you for taking your time to weigh in on my situation. I appreciate it very much. I am actually going to search my eReader site for the book right now, and if it''s there, I am going to buy it. Right now I''m at such a loss, I''d do anything or read anything or see anyone I could to get some answers...again, thank you.

 

[DebShine]

Some of it might not be pertinent, but the parts that ARE pertinent... are amazingly helpful. Good Luck.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 2/5/2009 10:37:46 AM
Author: DebShine
Some of it might not be pertinent, but the parts that ARE pertinent... are amazingly helpful. Good Luck.

Thanks again. I went to my site and unfortunately, the specfic book you recommended isn''t available...but, I did find another co-dependant book by her, The New Codependancy...so it is offically now on my radar, and will be nightly reading for me very soon!

 

[DebShine]

I haven''t read that one yet. Her 2nd one, "Beyone Co-Dependency" is not as good as the first. Let me know what you think of this one! Maybe I need to be reading the first one again..... It became my bedside bible for a while!