So sad, and confused...advice please?

[Italiahaircolor]

This topic has been brewing with me for a while now, and I have had serious debates with myself over posting it here just because it''s very sensitive for me... But today, after a few minute conversation, I decided I need some objective advice...so please, bear with me, this could get long...

Many of you know that my dear friend L is going through a divorce--well, she''s unoffically seperated. L and I have been best friends since we were 8...so, we''ve been in each others lives for a long time...and her friendship, to me, means the world...I consider her family more than I think of her as a friend.

L has been married, collectively, for about 6 years. She married young because she was pregnant, and her husband R has been a really inconsistant part of her and her daughter lives. About a year after they orginially married, L and R divorced because he was heavily involved in illegal drug use. R has battled addiction issues since the beginning of their relationship--he''s suffered under every addiction from sex to crack, and alcohol and gambling. R has stolen money from their daughter, he has run up credit cards buying things that he could exchange for drugs when he couldn''t find cash. R is known for disappearing for days at a time...two examples of this behavior is, on L''s 24th birthday R turned his phone off and visited a strip club for over 24 hours straight, spending upwards of $500.00. Another time he pulled his vanishing act, was on L''s graduation weekend...we all visited a swanky hotel downtown, after several hours of celebration, we all retired to be...everyone but R...he snuck out of the room, and was no one to be found until late morning the next day. R is incredibly inconsiderate when it comes to his family...he will steal from them, lie to them, and can become extremely verbally abusive. Christmas 2007, R got a DUI and cost the family thousands of dollars they didn''t have, just to turn around buy himself a Sony Play Station as a Christmas gift.

Everything came to a head on Halloween of this past year. L and R decided earlier that summer that in order to save their marriage they would attends couples counseling...part of the plan was for R to quit drinking. Over the Halloween weekend, R was unable to get off of work, so L came to visit alone...R took the opportunity to have a "obligation free" weekend, and went on a serious drinking binge that included multiple strip clubs, and smoking weed. Once the truth came out as to what R was doing while L was away, she decided she could no longer be in the marriage, and unoffically seperated herself from him. L gained strength and finally confessed to her family the truth about what R had been doing...the disappering, lying, stealing...they knew none of this. They were very supportive and offered L as much help as they could...however, they told her that since they paid for her first divorce, L would have to "figure" it out. Tough love.

Now, it gets complicated, because L and R live with R''s parents. It''s a situation of convience for L since they willingly provide free child care for the daughter. Together with R''s parents, L kicked R out, which essentially didn''t matter because he went on a serious partying binge.

So...heres the situation...as of late, L has become icy. I was at a complete loss. She would avoid my calls...even picking them up, and hanging them up. She would text me one word replies. And if I told her something new or exciting about my life, she would go into this "one upping" thing....like, for example, I told her about this book I was reading...and she was like "that''s nice, I''ve already read 3 books this year...and I''m already on my fourth"...just petty stuff. Well, come to find out, she and R are "working it out". And I suddenly feel like I cannot be around her anymore...I feel frusterated and angry, because for years I''ve listened and supported and cried with her...and now it''s like none of that mattered. I feel like, if she takes him back, our friendship will be over. I will always love L...but R isn''t welcome in my life I cannot trust him, if he would steal from his family, what would stop him from stealing from me? Besides that, R said horrible things to me, blaming me for their seperating...

**I have a lot more that say, but a meeting snuck up, and this took longer than anticipated to write, I will hopefully finish this ASAP...but, in the mean time, what do I do?

TIA.

 

[Porridge]

I bet she feels guilty about trying to work things out with that train wreck she calls a husband. She''s probably knows how stupid it is herself, and also exactly how stupid you think it is, and is getting defensive before you even say anything. Maybe she''s distancing herself because she knows what you think.

She''s making terrible mistakes and seriously jeopardising her daughters and her own well-being. But she''s an adult. She''s responsible for her own decisions. I''m sure she''s heard it all before. If she refuses to accept good advice and support, there''s nothing you can do.

Why in the name of all that is obvious and sensible is she not taking herself half a world away from this bad man? Why did they ever get back together after the first divorce?!?

Unless...would he be threatening her? Would she be staying out of fear?

 

[neatfreak]

I think you just distance yourself for now. Tell her something like "L, I love you and will always be there for you, but I cannot support this choice you are making right now, so I need to distance myself for awhile." Might be harsh, but sometimes you have to put yourself and your health first.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 2/4/2009 12:51:33 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think you just distance yourself for now. Tell her something like ''L, I love you and will always be there for you, but I cannot support this choice you are making right now, so I need to distance myself for awhile.'' Might be harsh, but sometimes you have to put yourself and your health first.

I agree. It sucks, because she is your friend and you care about her. But - it sounds like she already knows you won''t approve, and is already distancing herself as well.

 

[dragonfly411]

It sounds like she has been trying to keep from you that they are working things out because she knows how you will react and she feels guilty among other things. I feel sad for women like this because they trap themselves in vicious cycles with these abusive men.Even if he never physically abuses her he is mentally abusing her by doing what he does, and he is self corrosive as it is, with his addictive habits. I think that at times we must unfortunately make decisions for ourselves, and our own well being, even if it means losing people that are important to us. I think you are unfortunately in one of those instances. I would offer up to her that you will always care for her and be there for her if she really needs you, but that you cannot have such a toxic person in your life and you do not trust him. When I left my ex, I had to tell that to his sister, she chose him. She had been my best friend through everything and had downed him so many times and she still chose him. It hurt, but I moved on, and you will too. You need to have friends who are going to be positives in your life, and he isn''t and she will become less and less of one as she keeps repeating this vicious cycle with such a terrible man. I''m sorry honey!

 

[cbs102]

My goodness Italia, this is a terrible situation...not only for your friend0but for you as well.

when i was in college i was in a very similar situation with my boyfriend of five years. he would leave me at places... he was doing drugs..drinking heavily...and the beatings. i loved him so much that i didn''t want to leave him.

i remember being so jealous of my friends who seemed to have their lives together and those who were happy with thier SO''s. i know for a fact that i pulled myself away from all my friends...for one, i could not bear their "i told you so''s" and could not be faced with my serious jealousy issues over my friends lives.

it sounds like your friend knows exactly how you would take the news that they are trying to work things out..you are obviously a vocal person (i love that) and i am sure that she does not want to hear your words of wisdom.

on the flip side, there is a girl that i have been friends with since we were 8. she just recently married a guy that i cannot stand. he literally makes my skin crawl when i am around him. 2 years ago we were all away for the weekend and i witnessed a violent act against my friend and that sealed the deal for me. i tried and tried to tell her that she was making a mistake and that she should really think about things but she made up her mind and married the moron. i stood up on that alter as she said her vows..and believe you me-i cringed the entire time! we are now no longer on speaking terms..and most of it has to do with me not being able to sit back and watch her destroy her life with him.

i don''t really have any advice for you because its a very personal decision. i would try to sit down and talk to her. you have every right to state how you feel. you two have been friends for years.

 

[tlh]

((HUGS))

Sigh, you cannot WANT it FOR them. YOU can''t MAKE it happen. Let her go... trust me, when she needs you, she''ll come back. You are too sweet to turn on her.

I think of toxic relationships like eating sh!t from a toilet. Think about it... whatever good things were in the food when they went in... come out as sh!t. I know it is sh!t and is bad for me, so heck no I won''t EAT IT! I just flush away the turd and don''t look back to discuss, color size and consistancy. I just wipe flush and BE GONE. Some people, reach back in, after carefully examining the piece of sh!t and RE-EAT IT. That is their choice... but I am not going to support the fact that I have a friend who just ate SH!T!!! I mean, am I gonna help them eat it? NOPE. I''ll gladly get them a NEW (not my) toothbrush when they are done. But I won''t be there for the feces fest... no thanks.

I use this example because it is SOOO visually GROTESQUE that most people (though I''ve seen a few things w/ this internet mess...) would NEVER ACTUALLY DO THIS IRL. However, that is what they are doing. They take a person who may have HAD good qualities, and after they''ve just become awful, they''ll nurture them and help them and think they can change them. What they don''t realize is that once something really AWFUL happens, it changes the relationship... just like the food changed through your body.

Ok... this got way gross

. I am sorry.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 2/4/2009 1:13:32 PM
Author: tlh
((HUGS))

Sigh, you cannot WANT it FOR them. YOU can''t MAKE it happen. Let her go... trust me, when she needs you, she''ll come back. You are too sweet to turn on her.

I think of toxic relationships like eating sh!t from a toilet. Think about it... whatever good things were in the food when they went in... come out as sh!t. I know it is sh!t and is bad for me, so heck no I won''t EAT IT! I just flush away the turd and don''t look back to discuss, color size and consistancy. I just wipe flush and BE GONE. Some people, reach back in, after carefully examining the piece of sh!t and RE-EAT IT. That is their choice... but I am not going to support the fact that I have a friend who just ate SH!T!!! I mean, am I gonna help them eat it? NOPE. I''ll gladly get them a NEW (not my) toothbrush when they are done. But I won''t be there for the feces fest... no thanks.

I use this example because it is SOOO visually GROTESQUE that most people (though I''ve seen a few things w/ this internet mess...) would NEVER ACTUALLY DO THIS IRL. However, that is what they are doing. They take a person who may have HAD good qualities, and after they''ve just become awful, they''ll nurture them and help them and think they can change them. What they don''t realize is that once something really AWFUL happens, it changes the relationship... just like the food changed through your body.

Ok... this got way gross

. I am sorry.

ok- so i actually think that i just threw up in my mouth a little... thanks for the visual- its very ture though- i can honestly say that i have never thought of it that way!

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh my Italia,
That's a very heavy thing to be dealing with. I would let her go, see what happens. Part of me thinks she's being icy because she has shared so many negative things about him with you. But now that they are trying to work it out again, and she knows how you feel about him. It's hard for her? Not saying that's right, just my observation.

I bet she will come back to you, she'll need that shoulder of your's to cry on. It's just a matter of time. Then when that happens you'll have to decide whether or not you want her back in your life.....

Best of luck with all of this.

 

[Elmorton]

Italia, the last line of your post says everything - she''s trying to work things out with R and he''s blaming previous issues on you. Because she wants things to work out, she''s blaming you, too.

Sadly, you probably won''t win this one - I''m guessing that R will screw her over once again, and then you''ll have to decide if you want her back as a friend once she comes to her senses. Personally, I think this sounds really toxic and you just have to let this friend go and hope that she figures things out on her own.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 2/4/2009 1:34:54 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Oh my Italia,
That's a very heavy thing to be dealing with. I would let her go, see what happens. Part of me thinks she's being icy because she has shared so many negative things about him with you. But now that they are trying to work it out again, and she knows how you feel about him. It's hard for her? Not saying that's right, just my observation.

I bet she will come back to you, she'll need that shoulder of your's to cry on. It's just a matter of time. Then when that happens you'll have to decide whether or not you want her back in your life.....

Best of luck with all of this.

Completely agree with this entire post and the reasons to her being icy. I would take a break from talking to her. Sending you are a hug; you are a good friend.

 

[redfaerythinker]

Ditto to Neatfreak. I''m so sorry that this is happening to you. I too am watching a friend throw her life away in a dead end relationship. I may be forced to make the same decision. I pray that your friend comes to her senses and that you can repair your friendship. *hugs*

 

[Burk]

I''m so sorry you''re going through this! I''ve been there. Thankfully my friend wasn''t married to the guy. I finally had to say "I''m sorry, but I can''t do this anymore. I love you too much to continue to enable this relationship. You deserve better." She continued to date him and our relationship was a bit cold until she finally figured out on her own that it was time to be done with him. We are still good friends and she is currently engaged to a great guy! Good luck and keep us posted!!

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 2/4/2009 12:51:33 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think you just distance yourself for now. Tell her something like ''L, I love you and will always be there for you, but I cannot support this choice you are making right now, so I need to distance myself for awhile.'' Might be harsh, but sometimes you have to put yourself and your health first.

I agree too - at some point you have to protect yourself, emotionally and otherwise, and I think you''ve reached that point.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Porridge...I think you''re probably right. I''ve never been in her position, so I cannot understand what it feels like to end a marriage with a man with whom you share a child. I am sure she feels like she has told me so much that now going back to him, she fears that I will be disappointed in her...and knowing me as well as she does, she''s right, I will be terribly disappointed. He''s a toxic mess.

L remarried R during his stint of soberity. For a good 6-8 months he was totally clean and sober, and was actually a good man. I''ll even admit during this time I was proud of him, and openly told him that I hoped they could find a way to work it out. In many, many ways I feel much guilt over that...because I feel like, as her friend, I should have been reminding her that he failed her once--and not to believe him...but, I didn''t.

Neatfreak, thank you for your advice. I really do need to have the talk with her...and given the chance I''d like to believe I would. I do need to tell her that she has the right to live her life in whatever way she so chooses, but Mark and I cannot be around someone like R. I would never dream of making our friendship conditional...but, welcoming R into our home isn''t a risk I''m willing to take.

Geckodani, it does suck. I am literally heartbroken over it. L and I have a relationship that is honest-to-God once in a lifetime. I see it slowly ending, and I cannot fix it. Thank you for your support.

Dragonfly, thank you. I honestly believe that L has a very strong addiction to R. I think that it keeps sucking her back in. When R wants to be nice, he''s wonderful and very funny. However, when he wants to be awful...he''s the worst. And I think L has just been doing it for so long, she lost sight of what "good" love versus "bad" love is.

CBS, I am so sorry to hear about your bad relationship

. I think you hit the nail dead on. L constantly makes comments about how she envies her parents marriage, or how Mark and I are "so cute together". I think that seeing people in healthy, loving, productive marriages burns her up. Many times we''ll have plans (Mark, myself, and L) and L will do everything in power to get me to disinvite my husband!!!! I think it''s hard for her to watch people who love each other the good way.

TLH...lmao. You made me laugh so hard. But, it''s also a very good comparrison. Thanks.

Kaleigh, yes...it has been very hard for her. Intially, when they first split, she would call me at all hours of the day and night. She''d leave me these long voicemails that were more like conversations with herself than messages, she''d talk about being strong and everything. Sometimes, I''d 10 messages from her, each 5 minutes long. I was so proud of her. She leaned on me for a lot, and I was there for her 100%...she asked me to find her apartment options, I did. She asked me to break the news to her Mom, I did. So now that it''s all like "water under the bridge" I am frusterated. I feel like what a waste of time.

Elmorton, he''s a piece of s***....not only has he blamed me, but he''s blamed her mother as well. Anyone other than himself. I don''t know weither she blames me or not...but, she has always told me that she tells him I had nothing to do with it. See, I''m not one to tell her "R''s a loser, dump him and move on"...I''ve always been more of the friend that listens 100%, I try to see things from both sides before rushing to judgement. And, I''ve been very much that way for the entire relationship of L and R. After Halloween, however, I did tell her that I think he doesn''t deserve her, and that he doesn''t take responsibility for his actions.

I fear I''m going to lose this too. I am planning on going to a therapist. It probably sounds dramatic...but L is huge part of my life, losing her would be like losing a sister. I''m sick over it.

Skippy, thanks for the hug. I try to be a good friend to her. But I don''t know what to do anymore.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 2/4/2009 1:58:37 PM
Author: redfaerythinker
Ditto to Neatfreak. I''m so sorry that this is happening to you. I too am watching a friend throw her life away in a dead end relationship. I may be forced to make the same decision. I pray that your friend comes to her senses and that you can repair your friendship. *hugs*

I''m sorry you''re going thru this too! It''s the worst. Thank you for your prayers, and I will send the same in your direction as well. Thanks for weighing in.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 2/4/2009 2:07:37 PM
Author: Burk
I''m so sorry you''re going through this! I''ve been there. Thankfully my friend wasn''t married to the guy. I finally had to say ''I''m sorry, but I can''t do this anymore. I love you too much to continue to enable this relationship. You deserve better.'' She continued to date him and our relationship was a bit cold until she finally figured out on her own that it was time to be done with him. We are still good friends and she is currently engaged to a great guy! Good luck and keep us posted!!

I believe this more common than not. I''m happy your friend managed to find her way out. I will continue to keep everyone updated as things unfold. Thanks.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 2/4/2009 2:11:39 PM
Author: AmberGretchen

Date: 2/4/2009 12:51:33 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think you just distance yourself for now. Tell her something like ''L, I love you and will always be there for you, but I cannot support this choice you are making right now, so I need to distance myself for awhile.'' Might be harsh, but sometimes you have to put yourself and your health first.

I agree too - at some point you have to protect yourself, emotionally and otherwise, and I think you''ve reached that point.

Yes, I need to protect myself. But, I am so afraid that if I write her off, or even step away, she will really be lost for good. I know that sounds silly, but thats my greatest fear. I am walking the line between saying "I''m so done, enough is enough"...and believing that by saying nothing I can stay informed and involved, meaning I have a better chance of being a voice of reason later on.

She''s very senstive...if I walk away, I don''t think I''ll ever hear from her again...

 

[lyra]

I totally agree with Neatfreak. Get it out in the open, and let it go. I''m pretty sure it''s not going to work out with L and R in the long run, and she''ll probably need support down the line. Maybe she''ll turn to you again, maybe she won''t. I think she is an enabler, and she has just not hit her personal rock bottom with this yet. Take care of you, you need a break from the drama.

 

[dragonfly411]

Italia - do you really want to wait around and have him continue to blame things on you and eventually make her hate you? I think that if you walked away she would eventually understand why... versus if you stay around, he''ll just make her hate you.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 2/4/2009 2:35:48 PM
Author: lyra
I totally agree with Neatfreak. Get it out in the open, and let it go. I''m pretty sure it''s not going to work out with L and R in the long run, and she''ll probably need support down the line. Maybe she''ll turn to you again, maybe she won''t. I think she is an enabler, and she has just not hit her personal rock bottom with this yet. Take care of you, you need a break from the drama.

I know you''re right...but it''s so hard to really get to that place in my heart where I can turn and walk away...

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 2/4/2009 2:37:01 PM
Author: dragonfly411
Italia - do you really want to wait around and have him continue to blame things on you and eventually make her hate you? I think that if you walked away she would eventually understand why... versus if you stay around, he''ll just make her hate you.

She has never flat out blamed me for anything...he''s always wished he could unload his f''ed up marital issues on me...but it''s never worked before.

 

[Bia]

Italia, I know how you feel. I, personally, cannot turn away a friend in pain. If she hurts me out of spite or cruelty, or hurts someone I love, that''s a different story. But if she''s hurting herself, I just couldn''t. It seems like your friend is being icy because she''s defensive. She already knows you''re not happy with her choices, and maybe a part of her is ashamed that she''s not strong like you...She probably knows that what she is allowing from her husband is not in the best interest of her child or herself, but she''s human and she''s not ready to give up. That is her choice after all.

If this were me, and it has been, I would lay low. Tell her I love her, and I''m always there for her and leave it at that (call from time to time to set up lunch..but keep convo casual and fun). I''d let her call me more, and reach out to me, if only to give her space. But I wouldn''t give up on her. That''s me though.

It''s hard, this I know. But you''re an amazing friend and I hope she comes around enough to know how lucky she is to have you on her side. If her husband comes between you, for instance doesn''t let her see you, then there isn''t much you can do but just be understanding and let her know you''re there for her when she''s ready to come back. Some friendships go through tough challenges, but goods ones stand the test of time.

(((hugs)))

 

[cbs102]

Italia,
why is he blaming YOU anyway? because you speak you mind? what an A-hole.
this is such a tough call because you might really be walking away for good if you take a break. how does one support something that their friend is doing when you flat out know its wrong!

i wish peace for you in this process. losing old friends is heartbreaking!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I just thought of a great example of how he lies to her...

Back, after one of his vanishing acts, L asked R to take a surprise drug test at the doctors office. R agreed...and took the test, all the while telling her that it would come back clean because he hadn''t done anything.

Well, surprise surprise, the test comes back positive for the use of "cannabis"...and you know what? He somehow, someway, for some reason managed to convince her he was innocent and the test lied.

Now, she''s a smart woman...works for a big company, getting her masters...but he managed to convince her a test that clearly said he was smoking weed was lying.

I hate him!!!!!

 

[cbs102]

Date: 2/4/2009 2:47:09 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I just thought of a great example of how he lies to her...

Back, after one of his vanishing acts, L asked R to take a surprise drug test at the doctors office. R agreed...and took the test, all the while telling her that it would come back clean because he hadn''t done anything.

Well, surprise surprise, the test comes back positive for the use of ''cannabis''...and you know what? He somehow, someway, for some reason managed to convince her he was innocent and the test lied.

Now, she''s a smart woman...works for a big company, getting her masters...but he managed to convince her a test that clearly said he was smoking weed was lying.

I hate him!!!!!

WHAAAAT!? does he think that he can out smart a drug test?!!!!!!!!! ok so he is obviously an emotional abuser. and you know.. your friend totally knows what he is doing. she is just turning a blind eye to him and his antics.

has she had many boyfriends in her life? there has to be a reason why she is clinging to him like that. is she fearful that she could never do better?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 2/4/2009 2:43:31 PM
Author: Bia
Italia, I know how you feel. I, personally, cannot turn away a friend in pain. If she hurts me out of spite or cruelty, or hurts someone I love, that's a different story. But if she's hurting herself, I just couldn't. It seems like your friend is being icy because she's defensive. She already knows you're not happy with her choices, and maybe a part of her is ashamed that she's not strong like you...She probably knows that what she is allowing from her husband is not in the best interest of her child or herself, but she's human and she's not ready to give up. That is her choice after all.

If this were me, and it has been, I would lay low. Tell her I love her, and I'm always there for her and leave it at that (call from time to time to set up lunch..but keep convo casual and fun). I'd let her call me more, and reach out to me, if only to give her space. But I wouldn't give up on her. That's me though.

It's hard, this I know. But you're an amazing friend and I hope she comes around enough to know how lucky she is to have you on her side. If her husband comes between you, for instance doesn't let her see you, then there isn't much you can do but just be understanding and let her know you're there for her when she's ready to come back. Some friendships go through tough challenges, but goods ones stand the test of time.

(((hugs)))

Wow, Bia, you pretty much summed it up. Right now, as it stands, she's only hurting herself...but the tenticles of that pain stretch far and wide...her daughter, her family and her friendships are all effected--because how she is now hurts the people who have loved her for a long, long time.

It is her choice to stay in her marriage...and I would never tell her to leave him unprovoked. I will encourage the right decisions, when they come, but I will not put any ideas as drastic as leaving her husband in her head. Because R does accuse me of breaking them apart, I'm very cautious to steer clear of falling victim to that. Believe me, tho, I have a lot of advice!!!!!

Thanks for your advice.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 2/4/2009 2:50:35 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 2/4/2009 2:47:09 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I just thought of a great example of how he lies to her...

Back, after one of his vanishing acts, L asked R to take a surprise drug test at the doctors office. R agreed...and took the test, all the while telling her that it would come back clean because he hadn''t done anything.

Well, surprise surprise, the test comes back positive for the use of ''cannabis''...and you know what? He somehow, someway, for some reason managed to convince her he was innocent and the test lied.

Now, she''s a smart woman...works for a big company, getting her masters...but he managed to convince her a test that clearly said he was smoking weed was lying.

I hate him!!!!!

WHAAAAT!? does he think that he can out smart a drug test?!!!!!!!!! ok so he is obviously an emotional abuser. and you know.. your friend totally knows what he is doing. she is just turning a blind eye to him and his antics.

has she had many boyfriends in her life? there has to be a reason why she is clinging to him like that. is she fearful that she could never do better?

L and R met when L was attending college. Prior to R, L had been involved in one short term (font>

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 2/4/2009 12:51:33 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think you just distance yourself for now. Tell her something like ''L, I love you and will always be there for you, but I cannot support this choice you are making right now, so I need to distance myself for awhile.'' Might be harsh, but sometimes you have to put yourself and your health first.

Agree 100%. Also give her a bit of advice -- i.e., that she should consider counseling or a support group (like al-anon) for herself. Bear in mind that you''re not just doing it for yourself, but for her as well. At this point she is knowingly making bad choices. She may not be able to muster the resolve to end her marriage for once and for all until she comes face to face with the consequences of her choices, and social isolation -- losing friends -- is a natural consequence of letting unsavory and destructive people into your life. If you continue the friendship as if nothing is wrong, you''ll in effect be enabling her to continue making those bad choices. I think her family has the right idea with their "tough love" approach.

I''m sorry this is happening to your friend and your friendship. I hope she comes to her senses soon.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 2/4/2009 3:01:28 PM
Author: VRBeauty

Date: 2/4/2009 12:51:33 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think you just distance yourself for now. Tell her something like ''L, I love you and will always be there for you, but I cannot support this choice you are making right now, so I need to distance myself for awhile.'' Might be harsh, but sometimes you have to put yourself and your health first.

Agree 100%. Also give her a bit of advice -- i.e., that she should consider counseling or a support group (like al-anon) for herself. Bear in mind that you''re not just doing it for yourself, but for her as well. At this point she is knowingly making bad choices. She may not be able to muster the resolve to end her marriage for once and for all until she comes face to face with the consequences of her choices, and social isolation -- losing friends -- is a natural consequence of letting unsavory and destructive people into your life. If you continue the friendship as if nothing is wrong, you''ll in effect be enabling her to continue making those bad choices. I think her family has the right idea with their ''tough love'' approach.

I''m sorry this is happening to your friend and your friendship. I hope she comes to her senses soon.

Wow, thank you VRBeauty, that really made sense to me. Her mom suggested Al-anon when she first came clean to her...I don''t think L ever went. I will suggest it again. Thank you for taking your time to give me advice, it will go towards good use, for sure!!