SO in grad school?

[purselover]

I know a bunch of you out there have a SO in grad school right now, I just wanted to hear more from all of you. What type of program are they in? How long do they have left? How has it affected your relationship?

My SO just finished his first semester of law school and sometimes it is just so hard. Don''t get me wrong I expected him to be studying long hours and to feel a bit neglected. I was even the one all semester beating it into his head that school comes before me, and he should be studying even harder! Even so sometimes it''s a lot to deal with and it scares me. I know it won''t get any easier after school and that he will always work crazy hours, and I made the decision to accept that for the trade off of financial security, but sometimes I worry if I can really do this my whole life. My friends IRL are no help, they all have partners done with school and they either tell me I''m crazy and I''ll spend my whole life lonely if I marry him, and the other half tell how can I be lonely when I''ll have his credit card (I kid you not these are the responses I get)

Sometimes things are fine, but other times I feel very lonely and frustrated. Like tonight he went to a law firms reception, and was supposed to be home hours ago, surprise surprise he''s running late

When I mention my concerns he just tells me how he''s doing this for us so we can have everything we want in the future. Sometimes I think he''s way too consumed with this when he''s not studying he spends all his time on law school blogs, and checking out salaries at top firms. I''m all about making good money, but at what cost? Sometimes I just think everything would''ve been so much easier if he wasn''t so ambitious.

I don''t know....I guess I just want to hear other people''s experience with grad school

 

[CNOS128]

I''m responding to your post even though my fiance''s not the one in law school - but I''m in law school. It is hard on our relationship, not just the long hours but the stress of a really competitive atmosphere and the vicious curve that''s imposed on all the classes. I always tell people that my fiance deals with it so well and is such a saint about supporting me through it all that it was obvious that it was obvious that he''s the perfect man for me to marry!

It probably won''t get a whole lot better when he''s working, particularly if he''s at a big firm - but that said, I know dozens of big firms lawyers who manage to make enough time for their loved ones that they don''t feel neglected. I even know couples where both people work at big firms, and their relationships are great, and they find enough time to spend with each other (and even to go on vacations together!).

The first semester of the first year is the WORST. If he''s a 1L, he shouldn''t have any free time.

If he''s spending his free time looking at law blogs rather than making you feel loved, perhaps his priorities are off. During my first year I spent practically all my time either studying or making sure my relationship was intact, and my other friendships suffered (that tends to happen for most law students).

Anyhow, don''t give up hope. It really does get better, and if it matters to your SO he can make time for you, no matter what.
This probably doesn''t make you feel any better, but -- I know a lot of people in law and a lot of people in finance, and those with SOs in finance are MUCH more lonely than those with SOs in law!

 

[allycat0303]

Well my SO other isn''t in grad school, but I am, so I thought I would write too. I absolutely agree with your friends that in the future, it will not get better. For a VERY long time, he will be working like crazy, and then it will only get crazier. He needs to work really, really hard to get into the top law firm, and then he''ll work even harder to become partner in the law firm. I have noticed that ambition can be very consuming. There seems to be this constant need for more, so that it never ends up that you feel like you have done enough and can RELAX. Instead you think of more ways that you can stand out, and it no longer even becomes about the money, it becomes a point of pride to stand out.

It''s funny, but my sister went out on a date with a really nice guy. Lawyer, cute, super nice. Yet talking to him, she realized that he was REALLY ambitious (she has recently left her husband for many reasons but among them, that he was NOT ambitious enough). In any case, she told me "oh he was too much, I''m all about making money, but I want a guy who can also relax and enjoy life" (she''s a family medicine resident). So I think you need to think about this carefully, and decide if you can sustain this lifestyle indefinitely. I think that the first few years are hard on the SO, but after, you either get used to it, and it can become a normal way of life. Kind of a new reality, and then you don''t even remember or know anymore what a *normal* lifestyle feels like. Or you never get used to it and decided to let the relationship go. I''m in med school, and a lot of relationships did not last beyond the first 2 years because the SO saw the lifestyle and realized this was what the rest of their lives would be like, and decided it wasn''t worth it.

 

[purselover]

I want to thank you guys for responding it''s definitely nice to hear from the other side, sometimes I feel like no one can relate to this so I really appreciate you guys taking the time to respond.

ThebigT I have heard the first year and def the first semester are the worst, there''s that old saying the first year they abuse you, the second they scare you, the third they bore you. It''s comforting to hear someone who''s been there confirm that. And it is nice to hear about those in finance, SO worked in finance for a year before school and traveled a lot so you''re right it could be worse.

Allycat, I totally see where your sister''s coming from it''s hard to find that right level of ambition, too little is a problem just like having too much! I do think I just need some more adjusting time, I hope you''re right that in a few years this will all be "normal"

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Hi Purselover,

I''m sorry to hear that you''re feeling neglected, and that law school is taking a toll on your SO. I''m in law school, as is my BF - in fact, we met at the beginning of 1L. I''m not sure if I''m the best person to give you any advice, since I''m not in your position, but I wanted to offer a few thoughts.

First, BigT got it right - the first semester is the worst! He''s probably struggling with having to learn new material in what often sounds like a different language, deal with new people, the socratic method, and exam preparation. After this semester, he might be better because now he knows how to prepare for and take exams, and maybe won''t be under quite so much stress. He might also start feeling more comfortable with his classmates and where he is in the class, and maybe will be able to balance studying and his personal life (aka YOU!) better.

Second, from his perspective, I would imagine that he''s feeling rather stressed about the job market. This is NOT a good time to be a 1L - 2Ls were having difficulty at OCI this past fall, at top 14 schools. I have no idea what school your BF goes to, but regardless of the school, it''s hard to find a job, especially as a 1L. No wonder he''s looking through salary stats and law school/firm blogs! With long-established firms going bankrupt and dissolving, major lay-offs at internationally regarded firms, bonuses half the size of last year, and pay freezes, it''s not a good time. Give him some support and he''ll more than likely be better in a couple months.

Finally, the first year really is a different animal than the last two years of law school. Granted, there are people who bust their butts all throughout, but for the most part, law students tend to chill out after first year, especially when interviewing is over and jobs for 2L summer are secured, and classes are more interesting and there is rarely a curve or socratic.

Hang in there. You sound like a great GF, who''s being very supportive. Give him a little more time, and he''ll more than likely be much better about balancing school and life after 1L.

In the meantime... make him make it up to you...with sparklies

Oh one last thing, about work:

Yes, BigLaw is going to be insane in terms of hours. My BF and I are both going to a major NYC firm, and we know that the first couple years are going to be ridiculous. But it CAN work - you just have to make clear that while it IS important to be financially secure, especially now, all that money isn''t going to make up for the support and love you give him - he needs to learn balance and learn to make time for you.

 

[purselover]

thanks BrownEyedGirl, first off I love penguins so I think your signature is adorable!

Thank you for reminding me of his perspective I think I needed that right now. He goes to one of the top 5 schools so I think it is especially competitive there. Like you and your BF he has expressed concerns about the economy and the state of firms, all the firms he''s looked at so far for the summer have a hiring freeze, so that''s not good news for his stress level. He too has told me that once he can land a summer job it''s smooth sailing and everything will be different, it''s nice to have someone confirm that!

Like I said IRL I don''t really have anyone that can relate first hand to this so thanks for responding, and best of luck with school for you and your SO!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 1/11/2009 8:43:36 PM
Author: purselover
thanks BrownEyedGirl, first off I love penguins so I think your signature is adorable!


Thank you for reminding me of his perspective I think I needed that right now. He goes to one of the top 5 schools so I think it is especially competitive there. Like you and your BF he has expressed concerns about the economy and the state of firms, all the firms he''s looked at so far for the summer have a hiring freeze, so that''s not good news for his stress level. He too has told me that once he can land a summer job it''s smooth sailing and everything will be different, it''s nice to have someone confirm that!


Like I said IRL I don''t really have anyone that can relate first hand to this so thanks for responding, and best of luck with school for you and your SO!

Thanks Purselover! I love penguins too!

If he''s at a T5, I''m sure he''ll be fine. Even though it''s been harder to get a job, the weight of the school''s name will help, as will the exceptional qualities that got him there in the first place. I was actually just chatting with a college friend of mine who is a 1L at Columbia. She''s also been super stressed out (and has a non-law BF), and she''s currently looking for a 1L job - she said a lot of firms have flat out told her that they aren''t hiring 1Ls for the summer. I totally sympathize with him on that, and with you! It is no easy feat to be patient and supportive when it seems like his stress is never-ending, but it seems that you HAVE been a great supportive GF, and trust me, eventually he WILL relax and be better able to manage time.

Quick anecdote, if it''ll help: last year, I got my summer job about a month or month and a half before BF did (ironically beating him out for my job). He was extremely extremely stressed out during that time. I mean, really stressed out, and he is normally a very laidback, easygoing guy. As soon as he got his offer, he went back to being his normal self. So don''t worry.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

On an unrelated note: I love your name! Any particular type of purse you love??

 

[FrekeChild]

FI is getting his PhD in Sociology. For the entirety of our relationship he''s been getting either his MA or working towards his PhD, (and for a while was also taking classes towards a MA in Statistics) so I know nothing else. However, I would say that my experience is probably easier than most. He is about to take his Comprehensive Exams in April, and after that he will start working on his dissertation. So he''s probably 2-3 years away from finishing. However the ease has more to do with the fact that he doesn''t take school seriously. I know that sounds crazy when you''re talking about a PhD, but the stuff comes naturally to him. He doesn''t study for tests, he writes 20 page papers in a few days, and generally spends his time playing video games and harassing me.

Now...speaking from an attorney''s daughter standpoint, being an attorney is HARD on family. My mom was incredibly independent, and she had to be because my dad was so busy building his firm (Mon-Fri, 8am-7pm, Sat-Sun, 7am-4pm or so) but he would not have been able to do it without her. Period. He had been single for a few years before he met her, and it was only because of her taking care of him and his personal life that he was able to start putting actual attention into his work life. It sucks to say, but he drank A LOT before he met my mom. But because she had such a tight leash on him, he was able to flourish professionally and has been nationally recognized for many many years. But it didn''t come free. I was terrified of my dad for a long time, until I was about 5 when my mom started forcing me to spend time with him, he was just a stranger in my house.

So yes, it is hard. You have you decide if it''s worth the financial stability and if you can have your own thing going on enough that you won''t mind as much if he''s not there for a while. Thing is, it will get worse before it gets better. You always hear about new attorneys getting run ragged...they are true. All of it.

I feel you. But I love highly ambitious men. It''s actually one of the things I looked for most. Best of all, I got a highly ambitious slacker, and he fits me just right. (And my dad adores him! He just doesn''t know how much he slacks off!)


((((((HUGS)))))) I know how you feel. Feel free to vent any time. We are here for you!

 

[Miscka]

I am not a LIW but can I join in?

My BF is a 2L, and it has been interesting. We have only been dating off/on for 6 months so this is the only way I have ever known him.

I agree with Allycat about the "new reality". Around finals, I hardly ever saw him. Of course, I expected it but I adjusted quickly and became used to it. It was the reality, but luckily that passed.

Also, my BF says that his 2L has been worse than 1L because of all the extra-curricular things he does in law school. Depending on how ambitious your guy is, you should not count too much on getting a big increase in time with him next year. I like to be prepared for the worst

I don''t have a lot to add, other than I feel your pain. It is hard, because his work ethic is one of the things I love most about him, but the thought of NEVER getting more time with him is frightening. He does, however, an AMAZING job at not taking stress out on me, and making time with me as much as he can.

The job market thing does really suck and I think a LOT of people are feeling that stress in the law community.

Anyway sorry I can''t help more, but hugs! And I know how you feel on a lot of it...it is good to find people in similar situations!

 

[KatM]

bf isn''t currently in law school, but he was for the first 2 years of our relationship. It was hard, for sure, but it wasn''t impossible. We saw each other on average 1-2 evenings per week. My parents were/are in professions that occupy them for insane hours, so I feel pretty prepared for the sort of time committment that him being a lawyer entails. I also am entering a profession that generally requires a large time committment and sometimes I do worry that we''ll never get to see each other. I''ve had people warn me too, but I admire him for his aspirations.

The job market really is terrible right now. He''s in a major metropolitan city doing prosecutions for misdemeanors, and making not even enough to cover his student loan payments. He''s considered poor enough that the student loan people don''t really even bother him. I know that eventually he''ll be ok and the money issue won''t be so stressful, but for right now it can be really hard. He''s sad a lot of the time, and it''s hard having to cheer him up everytime someone else gets a job that he wants. I went to his swearing in ceremony and there was literally a stadium full of lawyers all being sworn in at the same time. I looked at them and I thought, these are the people he''s up against. It was honestly terrifying.

I just keep telling myself it will be ok. There are plenty of people who are facing similar time issues and they are ok. There are people who work different shifts, and dont'' even sleep at the same time. We aren''t alone in it at all.

 

[Octavia]

I''m another law student (2L) and I think you''ve gotten good feedback so far. It''s just hard, and even though I sat my then-boyfriend, now-FI down to talk to him about it before I went to law school, he was still unprepared for how hard it is to be the non-student partner in the relationship. I think he feels a little left out, in a way, because even though he knows my law school friends and likes them, conversations ALWAYS turn to law so FI can''t really contribute. I''ll admit that law school is less important to me than my relationship (especially since I''m not sure I want to be a practicing lawyer, I''m looking at alternative careers) and my study time is more likely to suffer than relationship time. BUT the hardest part for me is that even if I''m not actually doing work, I always have it on my mind because it never stops. There''s no mental down time. So even though I''m making plenty of time for FI, it''s not always the most quality time and the stress affects many different parts of our relationship.

You probably don''t want to hear this, but unlike some of the other law students, I found the second semester of 1L to be worse than the first. And the first semester of 2L was even more awful. It''s different for everyone, but please don''t expect a magical transformation now that the first semester is done, or once 1L is done. But if you''re both committed, it is DEFINITELY possible to make a relationship work during law school, even if it''s not necessarily easy.

 

[bee*]

Add me to the list who are in grad school. I returned to do veterinary over two years ago and it has definitely been tough for both D and I. Moreso me I think as he is so supportive about all the hours I have to do whereas I feel really guilty if I can''t go on a night out with him cos of college. I hope now that he''s past his hardest semester that things might calm down a bit for him. Sending hugs!

 

[gryffindor]

I''m not in law school, but I spent 4 years in professional school (dental school). I will never forget how I had time for nothing besides school, sleep, and food for the first two years because I was on a mission to graduate at the top of my class. There is no way I would have successfully been able to date anyone back then so I give you credit for being there and being supportive for your SO! Financial security is so important these days, and the sacrifice is worth it. Hang in there purselover!

 

[tarepanda]

I thought I would reply to give you the post-law school perspective - SO and I both went to one of the top 5 law schools (not the same one, but we didn''t know each other at that point) and met at a large law firm. He''s still at that same large law firm and I''m at a different one now, but for all the people that are telling you that you will never see him once he becomes a lawyer, that definitely does not have to be the case! I''m a fourth year intellectual property litigator and SO is a third year corporate associate and we definitely make time to see each other - AND bill hours as well (and we''re long distance for now!). In the past year that we''ve been dating, we''ve gone to Cabo, Vegas three times, Seattle, New Orleans, and Japan (NO, Seattle, and Japan were family related visits, but Japan was a week long!). So it doesn''t have to be all doom and gloom post law school, either

Oh, and the upside of law school? 3L year! Whenever I talk to friends from law school days, everyone wishes they could do their 3L year over again. Depending on the economy (and I went through law school in a tighter economy, but not quite like this), you can definitely relax a LOT more as hopefully your job - if you choose to go to a law firm - will be set after your 2L summer. It''s kind of like senior year of college, with added job security (fingers crossed). I think you are great for being so supportive though... it is a tough period.

P.S. Oh - and my dad is a partner at another large law firm, so I grew up as the child of a lawyer as well! And my dad, while often traveling for work, was there when it counted, and he and my mom are still married after 35 years of marriage

 

[purselover]

awww thank you guys for being so supportive I''m so glad you all responded!

Browneyedgirl: I think we''re both feeling a bit better about the summer job situation, he had 2 interviews yesterday at the reception, so at least that''s something!

I love all purses

for years I have been yearning for a quilted Chanel bag, I''m hoping maybe that will come as an after law school present

I really have way too many bags, fortunately lots of them were gifts from my parents, I''ll post my 2 favorite below, the penguin one was a Christmas gift from SO

 

[purselover]

penguin bag

 

[purselover]

Freke: wow a PHD program that is quite the commitment! I remember my dad getting a PhD when I was a little kid, I admire people who can be in school for that long I know I couldn''t. Fortunately I have to say that I am quite independent, so that is one good thing I have going, and you''re def right it will get worse before better, thanks for your honest outlook!

 

[purselover]

Miscka, It''s nice to hear from someone in the same boat! I too would rather prepare for the worst, I''m hoping it gets easier as school goes on but will not count on it just incase, please feel free to ever vent if needed it''s nice to have others that can relate

KatM: I''m sorry to hear about the after school stress you guys are experiencing, thanks for sharing honestly though about what it can be like. I think you have a great outlook concentrating on how it won''t always be like this, I do that a lot myself. Best of luck to you and your bf and I hope the job situation improves.

Octavia: thank you for assuring me a successful relationship is possible, sometimes it''s easy to lose sight of that! Thank you also for being honest about it not getting easier after the 1st year, that is what I''m afraid, and I definitely will not expect things to change drastically quite yet. Good luck with school!

Bee* thanks for sharing, I need to remember that however hard I find this it is a lot tougher on those actually in school, good luck with school and best of luck to you and D!

Gryffindor: Wow four years of dental school, congratulations! Thanks for telling me the sacrifice will be worth it, sometimes I need that from an outside person.

tarepanda: It sounds like you guys have quite the life! Thanks for reminding me that you can have a life and success at the same time, it sounds silly but sometimes it feels like it has to be one or the other. In the meantime I will be counting down the days to 3L!

 

[purselover]

I swear SO must stalk me on the internet, this morning he sent me an email at work telling me how much he missed me and how sorry he was he wasn''t around more yesterday, and he brought home my favorite cupcake, and I didn''t even tell him I was frustrated!

 

[Haven]

purselover--I just wanted to say I''m sorry that you''re feeling neglected.

Like many of the other posters, I was on the opposite side of the situation. I''ve earned two master''s degrees in the four+ years I''ve been with my husband. I worked full-time the entire time I was in my second master''s program, so I taught high school from 7 AM to 4 PM every day, then went to grad school from 4:30 to 8:30 PM two days a week, and had an hour drive home. I''m also the head coach of the Speech Team, and I sponsor a student club. And I teach English, so all of the time I was not at work or in class I was either coaching students, grading papers, lesson planning, doing research, writing papers, or sleeping. I had zero time for my husband (then BF, and later fiance) and he definitely felt neglected.

Here''s the thing" I felt horrible whenever DH would bring up that he felt neglected, but I had to focus entirely on my work and my education if I was to get through the master''s program and keep my job. If I allowed myself to lose focus for even one day it was as if I''d realized everything I was missing out on, and then lose the motivation to keep on working every minute of every day. It wasn''t that I didn''t love my husband, or that I didn''t miss being with him, it was that I knew my situation was temporary, and at the end of two years I''d have time again.

As for the comments about what''s going to happen after law school, I can''t tell you anything from personal experience, but I can say that I have many friends who are lawyers. Some of them work 18 hours a day and never see their families, and some work eight hours a day and spend more quality time with their families than I do. I think it depends on the choices you make after school, and what you''re willing to give up for a job.

Please just know that (it is my hunch, at least, that) your FI is not neglecting you because he doesn''t care about you, he is doing these things because he probably thinks it''s what he needs to do to prepare for your future together.

Do I regret letting myself get so immersed in my work and school that my DH felt neglected? Absolutely. I''ll do things differently the next time I''m in grad school. But I just wasn''t strong enough to allow myself to lose focus for one second, because that was all the distraction I needed to lose steam.

I can tell you, though, grad school feels like a piece of cake compared to working a full-time job, at times. The stakes are much higher when you''re an employee than when you''re a student. I''m not saying that to scare you, it''s just the truth. (I did attend one semester of law school, too. It wasn''t what I was looking for, but compared to working full-time, it wasn''t a bad gig at all.)

 

[purselover]

Hi Haven: Congratulations for all of your accomplishments! It sounds like you really worked hard and achieved a lot in a short amount of time. I know you''re right and the neglect isn''t personal, but sometimes that doesn''t make it any easier. I totally understand where you were coming from with your husband, I feel bad mentioning my feelings because I know how important school is, he only has one chance to do this right and I don''t want to distract him. Thank you for chiming in with your experience I love hearing from those who are/were in grad school and what their point of view is

 

[JR320]

I can chime in as well, from the GF perspective.

My SO is also an attorney. He was a 3L when we met, and I can say that his experience was similar to the ones described above. I typically work about 45 hours a week at my job, and I was definitely the busy one at that time. He only went to class 3 days a week and slept in and played video games like a lump on the other two. Sometimes it drove me INSANE to have to always been the one pulling myself out of bed for work while he had nothing to do, but I know he deserved the break after the first two years.

He started his job right after school and was working while studying for the Bar Exam. That was a challenging time to find time to spend together, but he always made some each weekend. I found that it really helped me to involve myself in special things that I enjoyed doing. He is going to be taking the Bar again in Feb. to get licensed in another state, but part of me is even looking forward to the extra "me-time" I will have while he''s studying long hours.

I also wanted to add, that I don''t think being a lawyer HAS to equal being a work-a-holic. I know that my SO wants to have a family and I have no doubt that he will be a present and involved father as well as a partner for me. He will definitely earn less as a result, and we''re both fine with that!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 1/12/2009 7:35:10 PM
Author: tarepanda
I thought I would reply to give you the post-law school perspective - SO and I both went to one of the top 5 law schools (not the same one, but we didn''t know each other at that point) and met at a large law firm. He''s still at that same large law firm and I''m at a different one now, but for all the people that are telling you that you will never see him once he becomes a lawyer, that definitely does not have to be the case! I''m a fourth year intellectual property litigator and SO is a third year corporate associate and we definitely make time to see each other - AND bill hours as well (and we''re long distance for now!). In the past year that we''ve been dating, we''ve gone to Cabo, Vegas three times, Seattle, New Orleans, and Japan (NO, Seattle, and Japan were family related visits, but Japan was a week long!). So it doesn''t have to be all doom and gloom post law school, either

Oh, and the upside of law school? 3L year! Whenever I talk to friends from law school days, everyone wishes they could do their 3L year over again. Depending on the economy (and I went through law school in a tighter economy, but not quite like this), you can definitely relax a LOT more as hopefully your job - if you choose to go to a law firm - will be set after your 2L summer. It''s kind of like senior year of college, with added job security (fingers crossed). I think you are great for being so supportive though... it is a tough period.


P.S. Oh - and my dad is a partner at another large law firm, so I grew up as the child of a lawyer as well! And my dad, while often traveling for work, was there when it counted, and he and my mom are still married after 35 years of marriage

Sorry to threadjack a little, Purselover, but Tarepanda, how was the experience of working at the same firm as your SO? My BF and I are headed to the same firm this coming summer. We actually talked about it at length, because we both had offers from two different firms, both of which were high on our list, and ended up going with one of them. I''d love to know what it was like to work at the same firm - ours is really big, so we figure if we don''t want to see each other, we don''t have to, but it''ll be nice to be near each other, even if it''s only so we can grab coffee for 5 min or so.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

PurseLover, that''s fantastic about the interviews! I hope he gets the jobs! Is he looking at a major legal market, or a secondary?

And I love the Chanel quilted bag, although lately, I''ve been looking at some of the LV epi leather bags...

 

[purselover]

Hi JR320: I def hear you about looking forward to "me" time, I do usually love when he goes off to study and I get my alone time, sometimes though I get too much quality alone time!

Browneyed: no prob about the thread jack, and he is def looking for a major legal market, so we will see, and even if no major firms pan out this summer it is only first year and there are smaller firms out there that may be easier to get into.

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/12/2009 8:30:29 PM
Author: purselover
Hi Haven: Congratulations for all of your accomplishments! It sounds like you really worked hard and achieved a lot in a short amount of time. I know you''re right and the neglect isn''t personal, but sometimes that doesn''t make it any easier. I totally understand where you were coming from with your husband, I feel bad mentioning my feelings because I know how important school is, he only has one chance to do this right and I don''t want to distract him. Thank you for chiming in with your experience I love hearing from those who are/were in grad school and what their point of view is

Purselover--I was trying to make you feel better about mentioning your feelings!

I felt HORRIBLE when my DH told me that he felt neglected. (He has probably never mentioned his feelings before or since he complained when I was finishing my second master''s.) Those were his words--"I feel neglected". I cried. I felt like the worst SO in the world. But it was a good thing that he told me how he was feeling, because HE is far more important than my job, my master''s, my team, than anything. I needed to hear how he felt, because I had strayed from what was important to me. I''m ashamed to say that I didn''t make changes at the time, and I regret that. I should have studied less and settled for a "B" in grad school. I should have hired an asst. coach with part of my stipend to free up some of my evenings and Saturdays. I should have done less research for my lectures. I should have made time for the most important person in my life.

Anyway, I hope that you can work it out, and that the negative things you feel now become distant memories once he''s done with school. It is so easy to become mired in the duties of our professional lives and to forget about what is really important, but I like to think that we all snap out of it, eventually.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 1/12/2009 8:51:00 PM
Author: purselover
Hi JR320: I def hear you about looking forward to ''me'' time, I do usually love when he goes off to study and I get my alone time, sometimes though I get too much quality alone time!


Browneyed: no prob about the thread jack, and he is def looking for a major legal market, so we will see, and even if no major firms pan out this summer it is only first year and there are smaller firms out there that may be easier to get into.

Definitely. I''m not sure how much you''ll like this, but there are some good international opportunities too - if he speaks any foreign languages, that might be something to consider. I worked at a firm in Tokyo over the summer, I have several friends who worked in Seoul, and a friend who worked in Tanzania for the Rwandan War Crimes Tribunal. The only language requirement was for my friends who were in Seoul. Being that he is at a T5, I''m sure there are quite a few int''l opportunities available (although an LDR is really tough when someone is overseas! Dang time difference)

 

[WishfulThinking]

Hi purselover! I''m sorry that you''re feeling neglected. My situation is a bit different from yours, but I wanted to let you know that I''ll be around and in the next year or so I will be in a similar situation to yours and here for moral support.

My DW and I are both college students finishing our undergrad education this coming semester. She has applied to PhD programs for admission this coming fall, and I am planning to take a year off. We''re both super busy right now and tied up with schoolwork which makes it difficult to spend time together, but at least we''re *both* busy. I''m a little scared of how life will be when she begins grad school and I go out into the "real" world and get my first post-grad job. I am sure she will be very busy for many years. I hope I will eventually be just as busy and also in school, but it will be hard for me to be experiencing something different from what she is. We will both probably have about 5-6 years in PhD programs in the upcoming years, and I imagine things will get really complicated and tough and put a strain on our relationship. Because we''ve already experienced the strain of intense schooling on our relationship we''ve learned some ways to handle it, but grad school will be very different, I''m sure. I think the most important thing is that you are both willing to make compromises and time for each other. We both understand that we need to prioritize our education and future career goals because if we do not there may be resentment about being held back, but we have to be on the same page about the choices we are making and be sure to let the other person know what it is we want to accomplish and how we''re going to accomplish it taking both of our needs into account. Good luck!

 

[Fleur_de_Lis]

Date: 1/12/2009 8:13:56 PM
Author: purselover
I swear SO must stalk me on the internet, this morning he sent me an email at work telling me how much he missed me and how sorry he was he wasn't around more yesterday, and he brought home my favorite cupcake, and I didn't even tell him I was frustrated!

That was incredibly sweet of him. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now.

To go back to your original post, I graduated from law school last year so I know first hand the extreme strains it can have on a relationship (long story but I wont thread-jack

). I was told by several people that law school will test every aspect of the relationships in your life, from your family to your friends to the romantic ones.

Good luck to you both but everything will just fine.