So frustrated and tired of waiting...

[Virtuousmeg]

4 years and some odd months of dating and I want things to be at that 'next level'... Everytime someone else even gets engaged, I can hardly be happy for them because I'm so bitter it hasn't happened for me yet.

I don't know, it's just a huge slap in the face, nine million times over again.

 

[slg47]

have you and your BF talked about engagement/marriage?

 

[lisalikessparkles]

I think we all feel your pain sweet!
As previous poster said - have you discussed it at all?

 

[maebelle]

haha, My BF and I have been dating just a little less than you (4 years in June) I take other people's engagements as the perfect opportunity to tell my BF what I did and didn't like about the ring/proposal, so on. Not a big to-do conversation, Just a sentence that makes sense in the conversation that clearly gives my opinion. Try to see the silver lining and use it as a conversation starter. Stay calm, cool and collected (at least in front of him).

 

[iheartscience]

have you and your BF talked about engagement/marriage?

Ditto. It sounds like it's time to have a serious talk with your boyfriend about your future to see if you're on the same page.

 

[MBKRH]

I know the feeling. Boyfriend and I have been together almost six and a half years. No serious talks about marriage. I don't think he's done sowing his "wild oats" or whatever that expression is. Part of me doesn't care, but another part gets so frustrated with him. He wants to "better his life" and become stable, yet he is not doing anything about it. I'm at the point where I just want to scream "grow the f*ck up already!!!" Ugh.

So, I sympathize with you. It's so hard to be happy for friends that get engaged, because I'm so bitter. Just like you are. It's tough, Virtuousmeg, believe me. All of us LIW's have experienced it at some point! Hang in there! *Hugs*

 

[Hospatogi]

I think there is a rule if a guy doesnt propose after a year of dating it goes up a carat a year. Which at this point would make it a 3ct ring hehe. On a serious note though I agree if you havent talked about marriage than it is something you should def bring up to him. However if it is something that you constantly argue and fight over than I wouldnt say anything. I stopped nagging my boyfriend about it because it didnt get me anywhere other than more upset. You dont want your boyfriend proposing to you because you had to nag him into it, you want him to propose because he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I know it is hard seeing your friends get engaged especially when its what you want but just try to remember that your time will come when your boyfriend is just as ready as you are to take that next step. So until then focus on all the positive things about your boyfriend, your relationship, and being in love. PS After I told my boyfriend about the rule he immediately starting looking at diamonds..just saying

 

[yssie]

I think there is a rule if a guy doesnt propose after a year of dating it goes up a carat a year. Which at this point would make it a 3ct ring hehe. On a serious note though I agree if you havent talked about marriage than it is something you should def bring up to him. However if it is something that you constantly argue and fight over than I wouldnt say anything. I stopped nagging my boyfriend about it because it didnt get me anywhere other than more upset. You dont want your boyfriend proposing to you because you had to nag him into it, you want him to propose because he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I know it is hard seeing your friends get engaged especially when its what you want but just try to remember that your time will come when your boyfriend is just as ready as you are to take that next step. So until then focus on all the positive things about your boyfriend, your relationship, and being in love. PS After I told my boyfriend about the rule he immediately starting looking at diamonds..just saying

At 3ct diamonds?

 

[TwinkleStar]

Hi Meg! The ladies here have already given the best advice, which is that you guys just need to talk and see if you're on the same page.

Do you mind me asking how old you guys are? Time passes very differently at different ages. I have a lot of college friends who met their SOs in college but didn't get engaged/married until their late 20s, which ended up meaning they had 6, 7, 8-year relationships. I have other friends who are older and got engaged within 18 months. So while it may seem long when you're young, you guys are still growing and learning about yourselves and each other, and you will be vastly different people 5, 10 years from now.

 

[Hospatogi]

I think there is a rule if a guy doesnt propose after a year of dating it goes up a carat a year. Which at this point would make it a 3ct ring hehe. On a serious note though I agree if you havent talked about marriage than it is something you should def bring up to him. However if it is something that you constantly argue and fight over than I wouldnt say anything. I stopped nagging my boyfriend about it because it didnt get me anywhere other than more upset. You dont want your boyfriend proposing to you because you had to nag him into it, you want him to propose because he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I know it is hard seeing your friends get engaged especially when its what you want but just try to remember that your time will come when your boyfriend is just as ready as you are to take that next step. So until then focus on all the positive things about your boyfriend, your relationship, and being in love. PS After I told my boyfriend about the rule he immediately starting looking at diamonds..just saying

At 3ct diamonds?

Hahha Yssie we have been together only a year and a half but I think he didnt want to wait too long and end up having to buy me a 2 ct stone hehehe

 

[Virtuousmeg]

Slg47 & lisalikessparkles..... yes we have talked about it MANY times, his excuse to it not happening now is that he "wants to do it right"..and by right he wants to get the right ring, not skimp on anything and have money saved up for a wedding. I don't know, I can't even help how upset I get knowing that he could be doing more to ACTIVELY plan and finance the ring. We're very honest with each other, and I know he has a ring fund but he's contributing VERY little to it and I know it won't be during any time my patience can handle.

Maebelle, For the last year and a half I'd say we've spent hours upon hours looking at rings together, reading proposal stories, basically me trying to get his brain juices flowing on ideas for our own experience. He knows exactly what I want and what I like, he knows I want a thoughtful planned out engagement/proposal.

Wishfuldreamer, I don't know how you could handle 6 & 1/2 years, I'm already dying. Ughhh. I hate being bitter, when he doesn't get what he wants/needs... he gets grumpy.. he doesn't get that it's the same way for me. It makes him almost furious how high my expectations are for this entire process. It's like, this is nothing new,.. I used to joke that our 'contract' (relationship) ends in 5 years if there is no proposal. But now I'm really starting to think that if it doesn't happen sometime within the next year, year and a half than I'm moving on. I'm trying to have an ADULT relationship, not date casually for my entire life.

Hospatogi, I'm digging your idea. I actually did request a reasonable stone upgrade (when I even get this darn thing)...because he had promised me it'd happen within a certain time frame and he failed.. so I joking said it would increase .25 carats every 6 months I had to wait longer.. SO far we're at 1.25 Which I'm more than content with because I'm a tiny lil thing.

Twinklestar, I'm 22 a senior in college, and he's 24.5 and a firefighter-medic (who is looking to go back to school for practitioner's assistant or nursing. I know the whole 'rule of thumb' for proposal time is different for different people and different ages, but I mean, this is BY far the longest relationship either of us had have, and I'm tired of peoples sny remarks of "oh.. you've been dating and living with each other for over 4 years now and you're not engaged"... *slap to the face*... I want to be engaged, I'd even be content WITHOUT a ring if that's what it took but of course I'd rather have it, haha. I just want to know he's SERIOUS, I mean, I know he loves me to death but I feel that it's almost not enough :/ Marriage however is coming I want to hold off a couple years from the proposal, that I don't want to rush. If I had it my way, I'd be engaged now, and married by 2014. But we'll see.

Hospatogi, we're most definitely too average to get anything super in the 2 carat range. I've had my eye set on the tacori 2620 for a while now, and we're looking at about 8 grand tops. Which in and of itsself is way more than anyone I know has spent personally, but he messed up and told me I could pick the setting and he picked the diamond. And messed up again by making false promises, so we keep upgrading, which I'm sure is why the process has slowed down as well seeing he doesn't make a million dollars a year ha. ha..

 

[suchende]

I've said it before, and I'm hesitant to sound critical, but I think the majority of women are better off graduating not engaged, and making that transition into the real world from college not married and not engaged. I don't know if you just graduated are about to graduate, but for most people, the transition from college to the full-time working world is a challenging one. I think sometimes some women want to solidify their relationship at this stage because they're feeling unstable about the future (and it's inherently an unstable time!) and then I think some boyfriends push back because men tend to want to be stable before they get engaged or married, not get engaged or married hoping that will result in stability. Just something to chew on.

 

[pancake]

VM, may I ask - if your timeline is marriage by 2014, why do you need to be engaged now? If you are both fully committed (and it sounds like you are), why NOT wait until finances are more secure, until he has saved up the money that he wants to, and can do things the way you have expressed you wish them to be? The reasons behind his reticence sound quite responsible and sensible, and whilst responsibility and "sensible-ness" are not romantic things, they are the things that will ultimately make your lives together easier to sustain and more secure into the long-term future.

This is not intended as criticism, I just wonder whether you would feel a lot better by reframing things in your head a little.

 

[AmeliaG]

I'm 22 a senior in college, and he's 24.5 and a firefighter-medic (who is looking to go back to school for practitioner's assistant or nursing.)

This is your holdup. If I were in your shoes, I'd be pressuring him to get moving on his career change (if he really wants to do it); not on engagement rings. I don't know how much credit his previous training as a medic would count towards a nursing career but I suspect its not much and nursing, at least in my state, requires a 5 year degree. He may be in for a long period of uncertainty if he carries out a career change; and he may not be able to think of marriage for awhile. Depending on his career decisions, getting married in 2-3 years may even be a bit overambitious. If his earning capacity drops a lot while he's in school, he may not be in a position to save much until he finishes and that income drop while going back to school is often unavoidable.

As far as a long engagement goes, women have different opinions on them. I'm not a fan, especially in your case where your BF is facing another such large life decision which can have a huge impact on your marrying timeline. He hasn't even decided what career he wants to pursue so realistic plans about getting married seem beyond him at this point. I'm afraid if you're committed to him, you'll need to be in it for the long haul without a lot of affirmation at least in the beginning until he gets some things sorted out. That may be totally unacceptable to you which is completely understandable; but given the situation you describe, I think its unrealistic to expect a firm commitment from him now that you can count on.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Sounds more like you need to lower your demands on the engagement ring. What's more important: having a 2ct honker on your hand, or getting your marriage started? An $8k budget is nothing to sneeze at, and unfortunately browsing the SMTB section has the ability to skew one's perception on what your e-ring should be. You're only 22, and he's 24 and doesn't have his schooling finished yet to start the career he wants. You've been together since age 17 or 18. You're both in your most changeable years of your life. Yes, it sucks that you've been dating this long and the two of you are not in a position yet to get engaged the way you want. However, if it's more important to you to be his wife, settle for a $1,000 ring for now, and upgrade later when your financially stable. Or ask him to propose with an eternity band. Can always get the nice diamond solitaire later.

 

[luckky]

Sounds more like you need to lower your demands on the engagement ring. What's more important: having a 2ct honker on your hand, or getting your marriage started? An $8k budget is nothing to sneeze at, and unfortunately browsing the SMTB section has the ability to skew one's perception on what your e-ring should be. You're only 22, and he's 24 and doesn't have his schooling finished yet to start the career he wants. You've been together since age 17 or 18. You're both in your most changeable years of your life. Yes, it sucks that you've been dating this long and the two of you are not in a position yet to get engaged the way you want. However, if it's more important to you to be his wife, settle for a $1,000 ring for now, and upgrade later when your financially stable. Or ask him to propose with an eternity band. Can always get the nice diamond solitaire later.[/quote]

I couldn't agree with you more Winks!!! Ditto that. You are soooooo young, I was married at 30 and got upgrade at 35 when we both success in our career path, If you really love the man and he is the one believe me worth to waiting for

 

[Virtuousmeg]

I'm 22 a senior in college, and he's 24.5 and a firefighter-medic (who is looking to go back to school for practitioner's assistant or nursing.)

This is your holdup. If I were in your shoes, I'd be pressuring him to get moving on his career change (if he really wants to do it); not on engagement rings. I don't know how much credit his previous training as a medic would count towards a nursing career but I suspect its not much and nursing, at least in my state, requires a 5 year degree. He may be in for a long period of uncertainty if he carries out a career change; and he may not be able to think of marriage for awhile. Depending on his career decisions, getting married in 2-3 years may even be a bit overambitious. If his earning capacity drops a lot while he's in school, he may not be in a position to save much until he finishes and that income drop while going back to school is often unavoidable.

As far as a long engagement goes, women have different opinions on them. I'm not a fan, especially in your case where your BF is facing another such large life decision which can have a huge impact on your marrying timeline. He hasn't even decided what career he wants to pursue so realistic plans about getting married seem beyond him at this point. I'm afraid if you're committed to him, you'll need to be in it for the long haul without a lot of affirmation at least in the beginning until he gets some things sorted out. That may be totally unacceptable to you which is completely understandable; but given the situation you describe, I think its unrealistic to expect a firm commitment from him now that you can count on.

Well I'm not entirely sure which route he's trying to go (nursing or PA) but nursing would only take 2 years tops, if that with his previous education and not sure on the other, but he would need grad school, so I assume 3-4 years. I do agree with everyone that would be better off being stable in our careers/education first as well, I just can't help my impatience and my girlie tendencies of wanting to be engaged. I don't know why I have such demands, but personally, I feel that they're not too crazy given all I'm asking for is a proposal after 4 years of being in a committed solid relationship. I think it's just what a proposal means, I have no doubts we'll be together forever, it's just very confusing to me. I think I just need to chill out. :/

 

[Virtuousmeg]

Sounds more like you need to lower your demands on the engagement ring. What's more important: having a 2ct honker on your hand, or getting your marriage started? An $8k budget is nothing to sneeze at, and unfortunately browsing the SMTB section has the ability to skew one's perception on what your e-ring should be. You're only 22, and he's 24 and doesn't have his schooling finished yet to start the career he wants. You've been together since age 17 or 18. You're both in your most changeable years of your life. Yes, it sucks that you've been dating this long and the two of you are not in a position yet to get engaged the way you want. However, if it's more important to you to be his wife, settle for a $1,000 ring for now, and upgrade later when your financially stable. Or ask him to propose with an eternity band. Can always get the nice diamond solitaire later.[/quote]

I couldn't agree with you more Winks!!! Ditto that. You are soooooo young, I was married at 30 and got upgrade at 35 when we both success in our career path, If you really love the man and he is the one believe me worth to waiting for

Thanks to the both of you for your inputs. I actually have suggested looking at cheaper rings but he insists he wants "to do it right", He thinks I'll be royally disappointed if I don't get exactly what I want the first time around. Given how I am, I can see how he feels that way, but honestly, It's not even the ring I care about, it's what the ring, whatever ring, symbolizes. I've also mentioned just getting eloped now since he says he's still trying to figure out financing for the ring, but again replies with "no, I want to do this right". To be honest, we've always felt married, we share finances, split bills, share two pets and all that. I'm honestly kind to upset with myself and how desperately I want to be engaged, is this normal?

 

[Virtuousmeg]

VM, may I ask - if your timeline is marriage by 2014, why do you need to be engaged now? If you are both fully committed (and it sounds like you are), why NOT wait until finances are more secure, until he has saved up the money that he wants to, and can do things the way you have expressed you wish them to be? The reasons behind his reticence sound quite responsible and sensible, and whilst responsibility and "sensible-ness" are not romantic things, they are the things that will ultimately make your lives together easier to sustain and more secure into the long-term future.

This is not intended as criticism, I just wonder whether you would feel a lot better by reframing things in your head a little.

I think what it comes down to is that we've been on the same level in our relationship for the entire duration. In March of 2007 we officially started dating after a few months of nonstop seeing each other and we basically immediately got an apartment together and have lived together since in different places, I just feel like most couples go through stages/levels and we kind of jumped into level three, say, and haven't moved since. With being in school and both working, we haven't had any vacations together or even had weekend get-a-ways, so I guess I'm just stressed that we haven't gotten to explore together outside of what's local and I feel like we've hit a brick wall. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bored with him, I'm crazy in love, just with all the things we each have going on, it's hard to squeeze exciting things in. Also, don't worry about offending me, I posted to get feedback and I honestly want advice in whatever form. So thank you for responding.

 

[Hospatogi]

VM, may I ask - if your timeline is marriage by 2014, why do you need to be engaged now? If you are both fully committed (and it sounds like you are), why NOT wait until finances are more secure, until he has saved up the money that he wants to, and can do things the way you have expressed you wish them to be? The reasons behind his reticence sound quite responsible and sensible, and whilst responsibility and "sensible-ness" are not romantic things, they are the things that will ultimately make your lives together easier to sustain and more secure into the long-term future.

This is not intended as criticism, I just wonder whether you would feel a lot better by reframing things in your head a little.

I think what it comes down to is that we've been on the same level in our relationship for the entire duration. In March of 2007 we officially started dating after a few months of nonstop seeing each other and we basically immediately got an apartment together and have lived together since in different places, I just feel like most couples go through stages/levels and we kind of jumped into level three, say, and haven't moved since. With being in school and both working, we haven't had any vacations together or even had weekend get-a-ways, so I guess I'm just stressed that we haven't gotten to explore together outside of what's local and I feel like we've hit a brick wall. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bored with him, I'm crazy in love, just with all the things we each have going on, it's hard to squeeze exciting things in. Also, don't worry about offending me, I posted to get feedback and I honestly want advice in whatever form. So thank you for responding.

I am actually studying to be a PA and its a really rewarding but challenging career so I think its awesome that your boyfriend is considering it. We could always use more caring and compassionate mid level practitioners ! I know how hard it is to wait. My boyfriend and I are long distance and both in demanding grad school programs so even though I wanted to get married right away I realized that my boyfriend just wasnt ready then. It was pretty hard watching all my friends get engaged and married but at the end of the day the most important thing is that you have a guy that loves you and a stable happy relationship. If you boyfriend is anything like mine he will bring it up when you least expect it and only when he feels ready. For my boyfriend that wasnt until he graduated and got a job. Your boyfriend has created a ring budget which means hes thinking about your future together and that I think is a really good sign. At the end of the day you may not have your ring just yet but you have a great guy and there are alot of girls out there that wish they could say that ! I know things can stagnate after a while but maybe you could start doing an activity together or take a class together. My boyfriend and I started camping recently and we have learned so much about each other because of it. Mainly that if we were stuck on a deserted island he would not be in charge of cooking hehe . I was kidding about the 2ct idea. Our ring budget wasnt very large so we purchased a 1 carat diamond with a lifetime upgrade policy . Its absolutely beautiful to me and I cant wait to wear it whenever my boyfriend chooses to propose which I hope is soon...

 

[snoopkat]

Virtuousmeg - I've been following your thread over the last couple of days and the one question that keeps coming back is why the rush? why the urgency to get engaged right now? And then I read your last post about being in a rut and wanting to experience something new (I'm paraphrasing here, but that's the impression I get) and then I realised that maybe you want to get engaged because you want something 'new', something exciting, something different to what you have going on right now. But hon, getting engaged is only part of being married. Yes it's exciting, and the ring will no doubt provide hours upon hours of conversation (as all of us can testify here), but then what happens after the rosy glow of the engagement wears off? What happens when the engagement/marriage doesn't become so 'new' anymore? What then?

I won't tell you how young you are because you already know that, but I will tell you this. Your life as an adult is only just beginning, you're still at school and you will have many hurdles and challenges and opportunities ahead of you. Opportunities that can be just as exciting and new as being engaged. Is it unreasonable to want an engagement after being in a 4 year relationship? No - if you're in a position where you're both financially independent and mentally mature. I have no doubt your boyfriend loves you very much (he has a ring fund in place, enough said) but a proposal is a big ask, esp for a guy who's still trying to work out where he's heading in life. And when push comes to shove, of course he's going to tell you he wants to marry you because he loves you and doesn't want to lose or hurt you. But by the same token, he wants to get his ducks in a row before tackling a life long commitment like marriage and again there's nothing wrong with that. You said yourself that you have high expectations on how you want your proposal/engagement to be, so of course he's not going to propose with any old ring or elope.

I don't know about you, but I find with guys that the more you harp on the same point, the less interested they become in hearing what you have to say. I mean, do you really want to nag him into proposing? Wouldn't it be so much better if he proposed because he was ready rather than because he was pushed into doing it? And instead of an engagement ring right now, maybe he could get you a promise ring so that you have something to wear and cherish while he saves up for the big bling? He knows what you want and it sounds like he's on board with the idea, you just have to take a deep breath, step back and let him do his thing. Give him room and things will happen.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, you sound like a sweet girl and I know it sucks to be in the position you're in. But you can't push someone into marrying you and even if you could, do you really want to?

 

[AmeliaG]

Well I'm not entirely sure which route he's trying to go (nursing or PA) but nursing would only take 2 years tops, if that with his previous education and not sure on the other, but he would need grad school, so I assume 3-4 years. I do agree with everyone that would be better off being stable in our careers/education first as well, I just can't help my impatience and my girlie tendencies of wanting to be engaged. I don't know why I have such demands, but personally, I feel that they're not too crazy given all I'm asking for is a proposal after 4 years of being in a committed solid relationship. I think it's just what a proposal means, I have no doubts we'll be together forever, it's just very confusing to me. I think I just need to chill out. :/

Hey, I wasn't saying you needed to chill out. But I'm a pushy person, so if a guy has a problem with that, we're going to find out long before we talk about engagement rings. I think, if you're like me and you're naturally demanding, you need to be smart about what you push him on. An engagement (with or without a ring) is a symbol, but a long period of indecisiveness about a career change is a real obstacle.

I'm speculating but I'm guessing you're ready to go on the job market. What happens if you love your first job and career choice and he's still unhappy/undecided about his? That can cause a real blow to his self-confidence and put a strain on your relationship even if you have an engagement ring. More speculation but I wonder if the rut you're experiencing in your relationship is due at least in part to his indecision about his future career. Your relationship may be in a rut because he may personally be in a rut.

You may not be pushy like me, but I do see a value in at least gently encouraging him that you will love him whatever he decides but that for his own sake and for both of yours, he needs to make it a top priority to do what it takes (research/reflection, whatever) to make the decision that he's comfortable with and then do what he has to do to make it happen for his intended career choice.

I just know from painful, past experience that a long period of indecisiveness/inaction on a career change can be very damaging to a relationship. Being engaged is not going to help that and honestly I think it takes his attention away from what he should be focusing on if he really loves you and wants to marry you. Don't sell yourself short by settling for symbolic commitment over the real commitment.

 

[kateydid05]

VirtuousMeg...I see so many parallels in my relationship to yours that its as if you're a past me. My boyfriend and I have been together approaching 7 years. He's now 28 and I am 26. At our 4 year mark I was a senior in college and he was pursuing his Medic (which he now has) and we had just started living together. I was a little antsy back then for an engagement. It seems the first wave of people I knew were getting engaged and married. I eventually levelled out. I realized that my boyfriend was not yet settled in his career and I was still in school and unsure where I would end up as well. All the uncertainties can certainly bode well for a rut. I would advise you to focus on finishing school and supporting him in his career/schooling change. This is one of the main things that has delayed us from getting engaged/married. Looking back we were way too immature as well and over the years have grown up and grown together. So much has changed--he finished school (is now contemplating a bridge from Medic to Nursing), I finished my undergrad, had a health scare, started and am almost finished graduate school, and now wondering where my degree is going to take me. Once we are settled on our terms, we're good to go for the next step. It may not seem like it now but you will get passed this and feel better. Continue to grow together as a couple, get your ducks in a row, and enjoy the ride. Somedays the waiting gets to me but I realized I would much rather be stable before entering that committment than not knowing where we are going. Throughout my relationship we've had SEVERE ups and downs and I can say with certainty that we're going to stand the test of time. It's a nice feeling. Relax a little bit and support your boyfriend and figure out who you are...the rest will come easy.

 

[pancake]

I think what it comes down to is that we've been on the same level in our relationship for the entire duration. In March of 2007 we officially started dating after a few months of nonstop seeing each other and we basically immediately got an apartment together and have lived together since in different places, I just feel like most couples go through stages/levels and we kind of jumped into level three, say, and haven't moved since. With being in school and both working, we haven't had any vacations together or even had weekend get-a-ways, so I guess I'm just stressed that we haven't gotten to explore together outside of what's local and I feel like we've hit a brick wall. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bored with him, I'm crazy in love, just with all the things we each have going on, it's hard to squeeze exciting things in. Also, don't worry about offending me, I posted to get feedback and I honestly want advice in whatever form. So thank you for responding.

Cool, I get what you are saying. But I would agree with the subsequent poster who asked what happens whe The Engagement is no longer new and exciting? It sounds like you need to sit down with your bf about the rut you feel you're in- because after the glow of the ring and the announcement and the excitement have all worn off, it's still a relationship between the same two people. There is nothing about "Engagement" that will fundamentally change anything in the long run - ditto marriage. Don't get me wrong - I am married and love being married but I don't think it is the act of marriage that has pushed my relationship with my husband to continue growing and developing - that is partly time, and also quite a lot of thought and effort.

You sound like you really deeply love each other and want to stay together for the long haul - so maybe this is a good time to sit down and talk about your feelings of stasis, see what ideas you can come up with together to make things feel more special and exciting, and discuss your trajectory as a twosomes. Engagement and marriage may well figure in your short- to medium- term future, but just don't let yourself fall into the trap of seeing them as magic bullets.

 

[Virtuousmeg]

VM, may I ask - if your timeline is marriage by 2014, why do you need to be engaged now? If you are both fully committed (and it sounds like you are), why NOT wait until finances are more secure, until he has saved up the money that he wants to, and can do things the way you have expressed you wish them to be? The reasons behind his reticence sound quite responsible and sensible, and whilst responsibility and "sensible-ness" are not romantic things, they are the things that will ultimately make your lives together easier to sustain and more secure into the long-term future.

This is not intended as criticism, I just wonder whether you would feel a lot better by reframing things in your head a little.

I think what it comes down to is that we've been on the same level in our relationship for the entire duration. In March of 2007 we officially started dating after a few months of nonstop seeing each other and we basically immediately got an apartment together and have lived together since in different places, I just feel like most couples go through stages/levels and we kind of jumped into level three, say, and haven't moved since. With being in school and both working, we haven't had any vacations together or even had weekend get-a-ways, so I guess I'm just stressed that we haven't gotten to explore together outside of what's local and I feel like we've hit a brick wall. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bored with him, I'm crazy in love, just with all the things we each have going on, it's hard to squeeze exciting things in. Also, don't worry about offending me, I posted to get feedback and I honestly want advice in whatever form. So thank you for responding.

I am actually studying to be a PA and its a really rewarding but challenging career so I think its awesome that your boyfriend is considering it. We could always use more caring and compassionate mid level practitioners ! I know how hard it is to wait. My boyfriend and I are long distance and both in demanding grad school programs so even though I wanted to get married right away I realized that my boyfriend just wasnt ready then. It was pretty hard watching all my friends get engaged and married but at the end of the day the most important thing is that you have a guy that loves you and a stable happy relationship. If you boyfriend is anything like mine he will bring it up when you least expect it and only when he feels ready. For my boyfriend that wasnt until he graduated and got a job. Your boyfriend has created a ring budget which means hes thinking about your future together and that I think is a really good sign. At the end of the day you may not have your ring just yet but you have a great guy and there are alot of girls out there that wish they could say that ! I know things can stagnate after a while but maybe you could start doing an activity together or take a class together. My boyfriend and I started camping recently and we have learned so much about each other because of it. Mainly that if we were stuck on a deserted island he would not be in charge of cooking hehe . I was kidding about the 2ct idea. Our ring budget wasnt very large so we purchased a 1 carat diamond with a lifetime upgrade policy . Its absolutely beautiful to me and I cant wait to wear it whenever my boyfriend chooses to propose which I hope is soon...

Yeah, it's crazy how many compliments we get on each other and as a couple, "you guys are so great together", I love US. I have told him just last night that I wanted to do new things, I'm tired of going to the same restaurants and dates. He wanted to take me to Fun N' Stuff for my birthday or Dave&Busters (already been to both several times throughout our relationship) and I was like "Ughhhhhh, I'm tired of those, why not try something new like a safari drive through, a museum, something we haven't done already." I know there are a ton of local inexpensive little dates we can do and for some reason we've stuck to a handful and honestly, I've gotten tired of them. I think this will help ease me and just help me relax and learn to enjoy US, even though we're really stuck in a rut with our schedules. A lot of people think it's weird that I'm in the ring process, is this something you experienced too? Everyone thinks it'll take a way the surprise and excitement, but I don't feel that way at all, I feel like I'm getting to pick out the child before I adopt them hahaha.....

 

[Virtuousmeg]

Virtuousmeg - I've been following your thread over the last couple of days and the one question that keeps coming back is why the rush? why the urgency to get engaged right now? And then I read your last post about being in a rut and wanting to experience something new (I'm paraphrasing here, but that's the impression I get) and then I realised that maybe you want to get engaged because you want something 'new', something exciting, something different to what you have going on right now. But hon, getting engaged is only part of being married. Yes it's exciting, and the ring will no doubt provide hours upon hours of conversation (as all of us can testify here), but then what happens after the rosy glow of the engagement wears off? What happens when the engagement/marriage doesn't become so 'new' anymore? What then?

I won't tell you how young you are because you already know that, but I will tell you this. Your life as an adult is only just beginning, you're still at school and you will have many hurdles and challenges and opportunities ahead of you. Opportunities that can be just as exciting and new as being engaged. Is it unreasonable to want an engagement after being in a 4 year relationship? No - if you're in a position where you're both financially independent and mentally mature. I have no doubt your boyfriend loves you very much (he has a ring fund in place, enough said) but a proposal is a big ask, esp for a guy who's still trying to work out where he's heading in life. And when push comes to shove, of course he's going to tell you he wants to marry you because he loves you and doesn't want to lose or hurt you. But by the same token, he wants to get his ducks in a row before tackling a life long commitment like marriage and again there's nothing wrong with that. You said yourself that you have high expectations on how you want your proposal/engagement to be, so of course he's not going to propose with any old ring or elope.

I don't know about you, but I find with guys that the more you harp on the same point, the less interested they become in hearing what you have to say. I mean, do you really want to nag him into proposing? Wouldn't it be so much better if he proposed because he was ready rather than because he was pushed into doing it? And instead of an engagement ring right now, maybe he could get you a promise ring so that you have something to wear and cherish while he saves up for the big bling? He knows what you want and it sounds like he's on board with the idea, you just have to take a deep breath, step back and let him do his thing. Give him room and things will happen.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, you sound like a sweet girl and I know it sucks to be in the position you're in. But you can't push someone into marrying you and even if you could, do you really want to?

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this.. We used to have INTENSE arguments on the topic but after we sat down and discussed it, he told me I was being too pushy and bringing it up too much, making him not want to even do it. It's been months since I've mentioned it to him in that tone, but I won't lie, I gave him the evil eye when we were having dinner yesterday and my old boss came up to me and said "four years huh, and not married yet?" But I was in a good mood so I just laughed it off and teased my SO. In the past I kind of gave him the impression that getting eloped was trashy (I don't think of this way anymore) so that's his reasoning for wanting to 'do it right', I guess. I also have a promise ring, which I love, that he gave me on our 5 month anniversary.

Yeah, I want him to do it his way and on his time (if it's not too horribly postponed), I know he'll make it romantic as heck. I've got my father's patience, it's by far my worst flaw :/ So I'm definitely trying to deal with it and try to let him breathe a bit with this whole issue.

 

[Virtuousmeg]

AmeliaG- I am a pretty pushy/demanding person, I'm the sweetest person but for some reason I've become the dominant one in the relationship but was recently put into check and I've been focusing on changing my tone, it was relationship threatening, just more of an annoyance to him that was brought to my attention. Unfortunately, the only thing I've been pushy on lately is that ring :/ Our rut is a mix of conflicting schedules and not getting much time to do things or to spend QUALITY time together. A bunch of variables really. It wouldn't be fair for me to focus the rut on any specific thing because it really is a mixture of things. Stress from school/work, our schedules, etcetc. Last night I told him that I didn't expect a ring ASAP, but I need to know it's a goal beyond his fund and that he's making an effort to see about getting financed so that he has a realistic idea of what it'll take to get it when he's ready. I'm also, naturally, the more planned out and resourceful of the two of us, so out of habit, I've always helped him search deals, do research, and keep track of things.



I know this sounds selfish, but the other night I told him that I know he's looking to continue education and I said I didn't think it was fair to make me wait another 4 years, what do you think? I did point out ring alternatives and upgrading later but he hates this idea, he again, wants 'to do it right,'.....I don't know.

Kateydid05- , thank you, that makes me feel not alone and not crazy. It is so hard though, I feel, almost offended when people beat us to the punch, but in a way, these couples getting engaged after a year are the ones that haven't gotten to know each other as well as SO & I have, so that always makes me feel better about it.

Pancake- Honestly, we've been together for so long (given our age) that when we DO get engaged, it won't be a shocker. It's more for ME, not the reaction others will get from it, although the attention and ring flashing will be awesome, it's not what I look forward to the most. My SO, from his job he claims, has difficulty expressing his affection and in some way, the being engaged thing would sort of make up for that. I could just look down at my finger and be affirmed that while he doesn't shower me with compliments and affection, that he DOES love me. I personally don't feel that the excitement, at least from my end, would wear off. We've had A LOT of talks in the past few months and our relationship has improved so much, we're both actively working to fix our flaws and our communication is perfect, maybe too perfect. I think for now on, I just need to vent to others about the ring, because my SO is my best friend, so he ends up hearing it the most, and he shouldn't have to. Causing way too much unnecessary stress :/

 

[Haven]

VirtuousMeg--I just want to share the way *I* reacted to your thread because I think it might be helpful in giving you an alternate perspective that might show you how your urgent desire to be engaged might appear to your SO.

When I read through your story I was pretty shocked to read that your SO wants to continue on with his education and change careers, yet at the same time you are putting on the pressure to get engaged ASAP and with a hefty budget *even though* you don't have a desire to marry for several years. If I were in your SO's position, I would feel like you are a bit wrapped up in the artifice of engagement, and more importantly, I'd feel like you were not being supportive of me and my dreams. This would be very hurtful to me, and it would actually make me reconsider whether I think we're ready to really commit to each other.

It sounds like you view the engagement as proof that your SO loves you and wants to be with you. (I get this from this part of your earlier post: "My SO, from his job he claims, has difficulty expressing his affection and in some way, the being engaged thing would sort of make up for that. I could just look down at my finger and be affirmed that while he doesn't shower me with compliments and affection, that he DOES love me.")

I encourage you to explore what you believe about what it means to love someone. Promises (even in the form of diamonds) mean nothing if you do not regularly behave in a way that helps each other live the best possible version of your lives.

I am NOT saying that you don't love your SO, or that you are out of line for wanting to become engaged. What I am saying is that I'm getting the feeling from your posts that it isn't *really* an engagement that you want, but more a tangible symbol that your SO loves you. It also seems like your push to get engaged might be at odds with your SO's current desires to further his education, and as loving partners, I hope you can work this out and find a course of action that supports both of your needs and desires.

ETA:

I also meant to share that my sister is getting married in two weeks after being with her FI for nine years. They started dating in high school at ages 16 and 17 and have been together ever since. There were moments when my sister wanted to JUSTGETMARRIEDALREADY! but they waited until they were in a position to really support each other and start their married lives as independent adults. Now they're 25 and 26, he's finished with grad school and she's in the middle of a six year program, and they're happy that they waited until they were older and independent. He's been working for several years, she was able to secure scholarships and focus on the beginning of her program, and now they are pretty well set on their paths and they're able to focus on each other and their marriage.

 

[AmeliaG]

virtousmeg,

I had a long post written out but then I read Haven's response and I think she has something there. Its hard to demand an engagement ring over a career change without sounding superficial and uncaring. So, vent here now rather than keep having the conversation with your boyfriend and risk hurting your 'best friend'.

It must be tough being the dominant person to let go at this point and just let him do his thing. You're at a point though where he has to pick up the ball and run with it - a new and uncomfortable situation for both of you. He may not do things exactly your way but if he's laid back, he's going to be laid back even after marriage. The only way to see if he can get things done by himself is to sit back and let him do it. It may seem hard at first but ultimately easier than having to push him on everything the rest of your lives.

You can focus on what you can do to make the relationship better now. With your planning ability and resourcefulness, it should be easy to find a way to interject a change of scenery just so you both don't feel everything is the same old, same old. Then check to see how much affirmation you need. You may be surprised to find that you don't need as much affirmation as you thought you did.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Love the last posts, but I want to add that perhaps you should talk to him about NOT financing the ring when he is ready to take that step. One of the worst things you can do is start out in the next phase of life with a big debt on your finger.