Size of diamond, and what they''ll think!

thrive · May 20, 2003

My girlfriend and I looked at some rings this weekend for an engagement. She didn''t like anything larger than .55 carats, because she has such small hands. I can easily afford more, so my first thought was to get a higher quality diamond at this size. She wants a solitaire by the way.

Now a friend who used to deal in diamonds says her friends will think I''m cheap because I didn''t get her a larger stone, and she''ll eventually realize she would have liked something bigger.

Any advice?

pyramid · May 20, 2003

She could tell her friends it is a very high quality diamond. If DEF colour when held next the theirs it may look much whiter (depending on their rings).

I am a woman and regards weight of the stone, everyone will think different. I would however, urge her to think again. I am in the United Kingdom where diamonds are usually not as large as in America but I have a 0.50 carat diamond which I thought was just great but now about seven years down the road and probably through reading these forums and taking more interest in jewellery wish it was bigger. I have now got a larger stone. Maybe 0.55 is her maximum depending on what she likes but I would urge her to spend a little more time thinking about it. I have also heard though of people who would not go larger than a 0.33 carat diamond because they thought it was gaudy so it just depends on each individuals likes/dislikes.

If she does want the 0.55 carat maximum then go with it, it is up to her not you and it does not matter what others think in the end it is she who will wear and love the ring.

Another thought, not saying this is correct but a consideration, maybe she does not want you to overstretch your budget and is being conservative. Have you discussed the budget for the ring with her and let her know what you were considering spending.

In the end though it is really a personal decision and her decision which should count not what her friends think.

Hest88 · May 20, 2003

If she wants a .55, get her a .55. Never a good idea to second-guess your GF's desires according to what a third party thinks. *She's* going to be wearing it.

Lanee · May 20, 2003

Go with what she wants now. If you can easily afford something better and bigger, if she has seconds thoughts later would you have a problem upgrading?

Mara · May 20, 2003

's advocate here...

Personally I feel like an engagement ring should be a blend of both personalities involved in the choosing. If you feel like the .55 will be too small over time, you can opt for something slightly larger, say a .75c or just know that you may be in for a trade-in later. Unless you are both sentimental types and attached to the ring/stone. If you feel like the stone may be too small in the future, put more thought into the setting then, get it hand-made with an engraving into the shank or something, then you can switch out the stone for a larger one later when shrinkage sets in, and she can still keep the same ring which can carry the sentimental value for you both.

Anyway I agree that over time her .55 will seem smaller IF her friends have larger stones and as she gets more used to wearing the ring. But maybe not...if she doesn't wear alot of jewelry or just isn't interested in these types of things, you may be okay with a .55 stone. But honestly, there really isnt too big of a difference between a .55 and a .75, so if you feel like the bigger jump would satisfy you and she wouldn't mind it..over time I'm sure she would thank you!

Plus honestly...she's just going to be so jazzed to be engaged and have a beautiful stone, I highly doubt she'd be in a snit going 'you didn't get me the smaller diamond!! damn you!'

Or if she is...she's not a real girl!!!!

Hest88 · May 20, 2003

----------------
On 5/20/2003 11:31

6 AM Mara wrote:

's advocate here...

Personally I feel like an engagement ring should be a blend of both personalities involved in the choosing. If you feel like the .55 will be too small over time, you can opt for something slightly larger, say a .75c or just know that you may be in for a trade-in later.
----------------

I know what you're saying, Mara, but personally I'd be furious if I specifically told my DH what I wanted and he, thinking he knew best, chose something else. Not that there wouldn't be the possibility that later on I'd admit he was right, but at the time I'd find it insufferably arrogant and belittling. If she regrets her choice later, let it be *her* mistake or he'll never hear the end of it. Sure an e-ring is suppose to reflect both parties, but I believe it should be less a matter of reflecting both tastes as it should be reflecting her tastes and his love for her. That means knowing her well enough to know what she wants.

That said, if you want to go a little bigger, make sure it's not significantly bigger. I think .75 is too much bigger. .6 or .65 perhaps.

thrive · May 20, 2003

Thanks everybody for the advice so far. I am reading them. I thought I had the stone figured out until I casualy asked her to try on a couple rings to see what stil of band she wanted. I think she also wants one so small because she wants it to sit low, but not so low that it doesn't catch any light.

I'll be sure she reconsiders the size, and lets me know how large she wants it. After that, I'll get the highest quality within reason/budget. But there really isn't a limit on the budget.

Mara · May 20, 2003

Hest I tend to disagree...again I feel that the ring should reflect the taste of both parties. I used to feel the same way you did...but then in the choosing of the ring, realized that the beauty of compromise was much more fun!! I originally thought I should get what I wanted, it was going to be MY ring after all. But over time and shopping together, it was so much more fun to see what he thought was pretty and how it could combine with what I liked...to give us something that we both loved.

Personally I adore my ring and all that, but its knowing that he really loved what he bought as well, and that it was exactly what he wanted to give me that made it more special. I like that he looks at it sometimes and thinks...wow this turned out amazing rather than...boy I really wanted to give her that other stone.

I wouldn't have wanted to get X and have him feel like Y was what he would choose instead. I know that alot of people feel like what the woman wants goes when it comes to this purchase, but again, I think it's a blend of both tastes--within reason. Now if the original poster said..well she wants a .55 RB but I like marquis so that is what I'm getting..that's a different matter. But if it comes down to a matter of size, in my mind that's pretty minimal.

Also 'furious' is an interesting term to use in conjunction with an e-ring purchase and/or gift. Don't know that if I got a slightly bigger ring and/or something a little different than what I wanted, that I'd be furious persay.

My bottom line is that he is buying this with his money so he should have *some* say. Of course if he loves her and wants her to be happy, he wants her to have what she desires. But when it comes down to something like .20c..it's really small potatoes in my eyes. If he wants a bigger stone and can convince her of it, kudos! Or there is always the trade-in!

Hest88 · May 20, 2003

Mara, I understand what you're saying, but I also suspect you're less picky than I am.

When I first started looking for my e-ring (and the setting for my newest ring), I showed my then FH rings I liked. I immediately eliminated anything he hate because I wanted him to be happy. We ended up settling on a setting I love and that he loved as well.

When it came to his w-ring, I emailed him lots of pictures. He ended up choosing something I hated. Over the next few months, I kept showing him pictures and nudging him a bit, but he really like the one I hated. So, I knew there was no budging him.

I guess my point is, it doesn't hurt to go back to your FH/FW to confirm things and perhaps nudge them toward something you think is better. Tastes evolve, especially as one is exposed to more options. However, I *do* think it's wrong to know what she likes but then, without consulting her, choose something else. I think it shows a certain lack of respect for someone else's wants and tastes. What might be a small modification to you might be a big deal to her.

aljdewey · May 20, 2003

----------------
On 5/20/2003 10:14:47 AM thrive wrote:
My girlfriend and I looked at some rings this weekend for an engagement. She didn't like anything larger than .55 carats, because she has such small hands. I can easily afford more, so my first thought was to get a higher quality diamond at this size. She wants a solitaire by the way.

Now a friend who used to deal in diamonds says her friends will think I'm cheap because I didn't get her a larger stone, and she'll eventually realize she would have liked something bigger.

Any advice?----------------

I've commented in previous threads that I think the ring should be about what both parties want, as Mara has said.

However, I don't quite see this as being the same thing. Thrive doesn't seem to mind the .55 size; his initial idea was to simply get a high quality stone in that size. The foremost reason he's concerned about size isn't because he doesn't care for the smaller size....it's the thought that her friends will think he's cheap. He also mentioned that she may change her mind down the line and want a larger stone.

Frankly, any of her "friends" that really know her will know of her desire for a smaller stone. For those who are unenlightened, the simple reply could be "This is what she wanted, what she selected." It really doesn't matter what her friends think, it matters if you and she are happy. I know some people find this hard to believe, but NOT everyone wants a humongous diamond.

It sounds as though she hasn't selected that size arbitrarily...you've said you went out and looked at rings, and she doesn't want anything that will look awkward on her hand. If you override that, you may find she wears it less on a day-to-day basis down the line, and that defeats the purpose.

Thrive, since this isn't a total surprise, I'd talk with your GF and tell her that you want to be sure she only wants a .55 diamond. Tell her what you've heard about "shrinkage" and ask if she's considered that. You should also discuss how you both feel about "upgrades" down the line....if both of you aren't horribly sentimental about the actual stone, you could always trade up. If you are sentimental about the stone, it could always be set into a pendant if she decides on a larger stone later on for her ring.

Above all.....make your decisions based on what's important to you and to her. A ring is a personal choice, and it shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks.

Mara · May 20, 2003

I guess its all in the delivery!

From the situation that the original poster described...if it were my FI and I in that position, and he got me a .75c stone in the same setting I wanted, no big deal. I am actually pretty picky, but when confronted by emotion from my significant other towards something..it really affects me. So if he popped out that .75c and said..'I know you really thought the .55c looked great, but this one really just spoke to me in the end, and I knew you would love it like I do'.

That seems romantic to me..I'd be SO fine with the little change!

As opposed to 'Yeah well I knew you wanted the .55c but since I am spending the $$, I got you what I liked best!'

He'd get a big kick.

Hest, agree to disagree I guess..since we both have our own ideas of what works!

MichelleCarmen · May 20, 2003

Hi,

I'd get her the size she wants. It may bother her that you didn't respect her wishes when she clearly told you the size she likes. Most likely, her taste in jewelry will change over time and if and when this does happen, you and her can discuss upgrading and using her original diamond as a pendant or something. I was thinking if you are concerned about what others think, why not purchase her a pair of diamond stud earrings too

This way she'll have LOTS of new dazzling gems to show off, but nothing that is out of her comfort range.

Jewelry is very personal so listen to HER and not ANYONE else when it comes to a ring she'll be wearing for a very long time!

Michelle

Spyder · May 20, 2003

This is why a guy should never consult his gf before giving her an e-ring.

trichrome · May 20, 2003

Who cares about the size of the diamond...what matters is all the time
you took to get her what she wants.....

believe me, the larger the woman wants her diamond & the
more emphasis she put on getting one, the higher your chances
of getting a divorce. Love is not about diamond size. People tend
to be too materialistic these days.

Trichrome.

jlim · May 20, 2003

----------------
On 5/20/2003 2:55:29 PM trichrome wrote:
believe me, the larger the woman wants her diamond & the
more emphasis she put on getting one, the higher your chances
of getting a divorce. Love is not about diamond size. People tend
to be too materialistic these days.
----------------

trichrome - I think you are gonna get a lot of heat from a lot of women on this forum with your statement

esp. those women who said < 0.5ct is tinnnnnny.

Caratz · May 20, 2003

I agree with Mara. You should get something that you both like.

An e-ring is not a gift to the woman, and in my mind it is not "her ring." It is a symbol of the bond between two people who have decided to shares their lives together -- which includes making important decisions together.

F&I, care to chime in here? I remember the last time this subject came up.

jlim · May 20, 2003

----------------
On 5/20/2003 3:12:39 PM Caratz wrote:

An e-ring is not a gift to the woman, and in my mind it is not "her ring." It is a symbol of the bond between two people who have decided to shares their lives together -- which includes making important decisions together.
----------------

caratz - I never thought of it that way. I've a new outlook now to the concept of e-ring. Thank you.

I wonder if the judge will agree in the divorce court (for people getting a divorce).

fire&ice · May 20, 2003

Did she specifically say that her hands were too small for anything larger? Did she try on larger stones? Was this off the cuff - or an informed choice?

If you nail down this as the size she wants - and this decision is an informed one - then .55 it is.

Will others think of you as "cheap" - perhaps. But, it's a whole different story when the choice of size was your financee's.

Good luck. Another consideration - what does her circle of friends wear?

Just one more thing - do you think she wanted that size so that *you* did not have to spend more?

Again, if all this has been addressed - then .55 is the size for her.

fire&ice · May 20, 2003

----------------
On 5/20/2003 2:55:29 PM trichrome wrote:

Who cares about the size of the diamond...what matters is all the time
you took to get her what she wants.....

believe me, the larger the woman wants her diamond & the
more emphasis she put on getting one, the higher your chances
of getting a divorce. Love is not about diamond size. People tend
to be too materialistic these days.

Trichrome.
----------------

Trich, we once again disagree

I really do equate my hubby of 20 years as loving me enough to get me something I really wanted. Diamonds don't mean anything to him. And, no - I am not materialistic. Diamonds are my only outward sign of wealth.

Geez, are we starting these "conversations" earlier and earlier in the week?

Mara · May 20, 2003

Love has nothing to do with diamonds, diamond buying, or diamond sizing. That's just what DeBeers wants you to think. It definitely IS the thought and effort put into the process that counts a little extra in my eyes.

However, if a man loves his girl, chances are he wants her to be happy, and if a diamond is that choice..then you have the natural chain of events.

Tri--you buy the fancy lingerie for your girl..everyone's priorities are different!

fire&ice · May 20, 2003

----------------
On 5/20/2003 3:12:39 PM Caratz wrote:

I agree with Mara. You should get something that you both like.

An e-ring is not a gift to the woman, and in my mind it is not "her ring." It is a symbol of the bond between two people who have decided to shares their lives together -- which includes making important decisions together.

F&I, care to chime in here? I remember the last time this subject came up.

----------------

BUT......she is the one wearing it. Again, the decision needs to be an informed one - she may be a very active rock climber who wants to wear her e-ring *all* the time. Small (lower set) stone may fit her lifestyle.

Everyone is different. I love the guys on this forum that take the time to figure out what their to be wants. Those are the same ones who take great care in picking out a stone to fit their parameters. It is an important decision. Some women want to be involved - some don't - some men want to "surprise" the girl.

Yielding to another persons desire and sometimes coming to some common ground is the basis of a good partnership. I pity the poor girl whose finance takes into consideration only what *he* wants.

WalnutCrunch · May 20, 2003

----------------
On 5/20/2003 2:55:29 PM trichrome wrote:

believe me, the larger the woman wants her diamond & the more emphasis she put on getting one, the higher your chances of getting a divorce.

----------------

Trichrome,

What you said has me wondering if there's been any formal research on the correlation between diamond size and divorce rate (or something to that effect). After a quick google search, I can only find this article about the correlation between willingness to trade-up and divorce rate. Unfortunately, it's on Fred Cuellar's site -- not exactly a guy with a spotless reputation here...

http://www.diamondcuttersintl.com/relationship_advice/formenonly/tradeup.html

Can anyone find another reference to this study or other similar studies on the web?

Thanks,
WC

Mara · May 20, 2003

Yes WC that article was quoted in the WSJ and there were other points raised against that as well. Apparently it was a huge 15 year study or something. I posted about it in the past.

Haven't come across anything where diamond SIZE is related to divorce, just the trade-up study.

pqcollectibles · May 20, 2003

Well, I just gotta get in the middle of this one!

I actually agree with Mara! If she wants .55 carat and he wants bigger, I think a .70-.75 carat super Ideal H&A RB (if that's the shape) is the way to go. It's a compromise that's not too much bigger than she wants and will get the flash and attention that he wants.

If she is dead set on .55 carat for now, then go with a vendor that has a lifetime upgrade policy. Although I doubt she will trade in this e-ring diamond, it's a hedge just in case she does decide to go larger down the road. And, definitely go for THE BEST cut. It will have a larger visual presence no matter the size. Regular folk won't believe her when she says it's a half carat.

I agree with your intended, Thrive, about the lower profiles. Mine is very high profile. Seems I'm always hanging mine or pockets or clinking it into something. I would prefer a lower setting also, but it won't work with my band.

trichrome · May 21, 2003

Maybe it's not directly diamond size that is related to divorce rate
but the difference between the size of the diamond and the "size" or amount
of love it is supposed to represent..

You know some people want that big diamond from their fiance..without
the love supposed to be coming with it....

To be more precise, I'm talking about those dumb blondes in their
20' getting married with 60' yo men... on Viagra.

Trichrome.

Mara · May 21, 2003

Anna Nicole!

canadian 1 · May 21, 2003

Sometimes woman don't know what they want (no boos I'm a woman).

What

I mean by this is we think we know what we want at the time but we would also

like our bets covered from both sides. Afraid of the unknown and we all know that

things change in time. Now this is where you men should do your thing and reassure

us that the bet is covered.

So what I think thrive should do is get the size of diamond that his girlfriend wants

an aprox .55 carats and do business with a place that will honor a full tradein/

tradeup value on the diamond so when and if the Mrs changes her mind in the future ,
she then can have her cake and eat it too.

One big happy familya!!!

Just my imput. Congratulations anyways on your upcoming nuptials!

canadian 1

sizematters · May 21, 2003

As you can tell from my name, I'm going to definitely say buy 0.75! The e-ring is about compromise. I originally wanted a 3 stone ring but my fiance thought it was tacky (don't know why). So, I decided to go with a solitaire because I wanted him to like the ring he was giving me.

With a solitaire, I wanted 1.5-1.75 carats and my fiance drew the line at a certain price. We eventually decided on 1.3 with me chipping in for the setting which was another compromise.

I agree with Mara. It should be a combination of what you both want.

fire&ice · May 21, 2003

----------------
On 5/21/2003 12

9

4 PM trichrome wrote:

You know some people want that big diamond from their fiance..without
the love supposed to be coming with it....

To be more precise, I'm talking about those dumb blondes in their
20' getting married with 60' yo men... on Viagra.

Trichrome.

----------------

But, some want both. On the flip side, a small diamond does not represent larger love either. In all seriousness, a man's desire to please & present something that the other partner will love *is* the essence of my point. Technically, it's not about the size. It's really not about the diamond.

Note to self: never inform rockytalk that I am 20+, blonde & married to an older man. (Well, maybe not the blonde part - but it could be arranged!).

Mara · May 21, 2003

F&I...but are you dumb and is your hubby on Viagra?

I am sure the answers are big fat NO's!

Therefore you don't qualify.

Size of diamond, and what they''ll think!

Rough_Rock

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