Home Sibling Dilemma...need wise input or just support!

[diamondfan]

You are so right, the problem tends to be in families everyone is a critic and no one wants to just let it go. They all think they can broker a reconciliation. My family just really cannot understand how much damage she did, ending with my son, and that I might be sad on one hand but feel my life is better without her (again, sad but true) and that I made the right decision, albeit not a pleasant or easy one. It is just beyond their grasp that yes, I mean business this time, and will continue to until such an (unlikely) time as she apologizes totally and admits her culpability throughout our relationship. I have pages and pages of horrific stories of things she did and said to me, and yet not once has she ever admitted to even ONE of them. Lying, stealing, verbally abusing, manipulating, threatening me, using me, I mean, what a fabulous foundation for a relationship and WHY on EARTH would I not want to invite the devil back in?!

My cousin who was like a sis to me growing up even offered to do it, with my other cousin, and then me and my sister. I think I would rather be tortured. No wait, it would be torture. I told her there is no point if my sister still insists she cannot understand what went on and why I am so mad. Uh, how about a lifetimes worth?!

I have had family say, She is your only sister (lucky me). Take the high road (for the millionth time with no change in her behavior) Oh, kids nowadays get that stuff if they want to, what is the big deal? (a trusted adult violates a minor, encourages lies and secrecy in the minor''s home, quasi threatens the child that his protecting her if discovered is the MOST important thing...need I say MORE? Really? Are you soooo missing the point? If kids CAN get it, let''s just give them booze and ciggies and **** all of the time, after all, they CAN get it)...

you can see where I am here. I was not really looking for APPROVAL of my choice. It is mine to make and I have multiple and good reasons for making it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think you know the answer to your question...

My Story:
I have a half sister (connected by our father) who is 10 years older than me. Unfortunately, we''ve had a strained relationship from the very start...I can even remember her calling my Mom a B**** when I was 5 years old. So, needless to say, we had our up and downs. When I was 18, she and I had our first estrangement...it lasted 3 years. She told my father some very personal details of my life that I had confided in her. It broke my heart and our tense relationship all in one. I moved on, and over time the fact that she and I were distant no longer bothered me....it sounds odd, but I almost "forgot" her all together. At the end of the 3 years, she announced her engagement, and asked me and my younger sister to be part of her wedding. Because I love my father very much and I knew it would make him very happy, I agreed that I would be part of the wedding...even though it was the last thing in the whole world I wanted to do.

Immediately following my acceptance of her offer, she quickly fell back into the same rutt of lying to me, using me, manipulating my parents, ect. It was clear things hadn''t changed--like she claimed--and the truth was, I was to tired to care. As nicely as I could, I explained that, although I tried, this arrangement didn''t work for me--and was hurting me in the process. She proceeded to berate and belittle me...using some less than kind words. I lost it...I responded to her tirad by writing her a letter (yes, a snail mail, old fashioned letter) telling her that she had disappointed me my entire life...that she was more of a stranger than a sister...and if I was like her, in any way, I''d be mortified.

P.S: We haven''t spoken since. I got married...she wasn''t there...and I didn''t miss her. I don''t care. I committed to severing ties, and I did, and it feels good.

So, my advice to you would be to stay strong. I am sure, on many levels, you wished things were different and your relationship with your sister was one of goodness and strength. Unfortunately, that isn''t the case. And while it sounds as though your husband is being very diplomatic by suggesting you invite her, I think that you need to stand your ground. Clearly your sister isn''t someone you want around your children and I believe thats the only justification you need.

 

[diamondfan]

Italian, it is so hard, family stuff. I feel like the lone voice of sanity over here, no one seems to get what I am really saying, because truly cutting a family out of one''s life is something they cannot grasp. Well, I am not asking them to approve or to do it themselves. If they want to have a relationship with her, fine, though I do tell them please not to discuss my business with her in any way...I want her out and that means not hearing about me through others, which is a tall order but one I feel strongly about.

I am upset with myself because I am usually am optimist and when I thought she could be rational I hoped ONE day she could change, but it ain''t gonna happen. I also get mad at myself because I had expectations of how siblings should be to one another...we lost my dad and stuff went on in our house with strangers trying to take advantage of my mom in her grief and one would think we could band together, be a support to each other. Instead, my sister threatened me, lied to me, bullied me. At one point there was a law suit she initiated against my mom involving some inheritance money...others involved, plus myself, knew the truth about the money and yet she found a loop hole and decided to try to go after it. She was being nice as pie to me all of a sudden, I did not think there was a motive, an agenda, but there was of course. Suddenly she is asking me to testify X or sign the afadavit saying such and such is the truth, BUT IT WAS NOT. And all of the others involved were all in agreement, and saying what I was saying, which happened to be the TRUTH (small detail). The minute she realized that I would NOT lie for her, she literally hung up and I did not hear from her for a long time. I went in to the lawyers and told the truth, and yet in the end my mom GAVE her the money anyway to make peace, basically bought her to be in the family again, so I am left standing there thinking, HUH? SHE gets rewarded for suing and lying and I get told, oh thanks, but I am giving her the money anyway?! No wonder my sister is a total head case!!!

This stuff, and other stuff, happened over and over again. I get the heebie jeebies thinking about how she acted and just now want her far away. If I have to be in contact with her in the future, so be it, I will deal with that when the time comes. Until then, she can live her life and leave me and my family alone.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I totally know where you''re coming from Diamond. Losing a sibling is like losing a limb...it''s something you cannot fathom until it happens, and when it does...it''s harder than you ever though possible. When two people are so connected, you''d think it was a strong lifetime bond, but sadly, that isn''t always the case.

My sister was/is scum. Very manipulative, decietful, and cold. She was the type to play my dad against her biological mother...and in the end it was such a giant cluster. My father is a wonderful man, and such a great dad. When he and her mother split, he was never so much as late with child support...paid for her college...her car(s)...first condo...nose job...camp...and the list goes on. Even after she was 18, when most fathers stop with the support monthly, my father never did...wanting to make sure she was always cared for. And he was always, always, always her champion. She could do no wrong in his eye. If she lied, he''d forgive her. If she got in trouble, he would bail her out. Whatever, whenever...that was my dad....and she was damn lucky.

When Heather got engaged, thats when my father finally started to see the cracks in her, not that they hadn''t always been there, but it was like an unmasking. My father offered Heather a very generous check (upwards of 25k) for her wedding budget...and said to let her Mother plan it for her. When Iris (H''s mom) refused to plan her own daughters wedding...my mother stepped up and planned it. They ripped up the check and started from "get"...however, my Mother (whose was "planning") wasnt consulted on the bridal gown, bridesmaid, hall, cake...NOTHING. The only thing her mother offered to pay for was the center pieces...which turned out to only be the vases the flowers went in...my dad had to pay for the flowers too! When he refused...she took his name off the invite and didnt even invite him to the wedding...period.

That broke my fathers heart. He wrote her out of the will, made it so she cannot touch his money, and hasnt spoken with her sense...although she did keep the deposit for the hall....a wedding gift, I guess...or she felt intitled.

So, l guess it goes back to what I said before....when you make the cut, make the cut. Its hard, sure. But you didnt wake up one morning and decide "that''s it...we''re no longer sisters"....there was a path for your relationship, and unfortunately, that path was heartbreakingly hard.

 

[diamondfan]

Again, you are right. I tell people this was not one day I decided to remove her from my life. It built over time, with nastiness, meanness, hurtfulness, lies, treachery...I mean, just cause others can''t or won''t see it does not make it less true. And to be on the receiving end of this endless crap is hard, and it is made harder by the fact that she is so good at manipulating and playing head games with people who really do not know her. I am now tired of having to point out the obvious, there is more to her than meets the eye etc. And even those people in my family who GET it think it has been enough time and I should allow her back in my life, but they do not realize SHE is never going to stop and thus I will be back to square one in no time. Who needs that? Your half sis sounds wretched too. Your poor dad dealing with her and being so loving and generous to her all the time. I am sorry he had to finally cut her off but it sounds like the right choice.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 8/7/2008 2:07:15 PM
Author: diamondfan
Again, you are right. I tell people this was not one day I decided to remove her from my life. It built over time, with nastiness, meanness, hurtfulness, lies, treachery...I mean, just cause others can''t or won''t see it does not make it less true. And to be on the receiving end of this endless crap is hard, and it is made harder by the fact that she is so good at manipulating and playing head games with people who really do not know her. I am now tired of having to point out the obvious, there is more to her than meets the eye etc. And even those people in my family who GET it think it has been enough time and I should allow her back in my life, but they do not realize SHE is never going to stop and thus I will be back to square one in no time. Who needs that? Your half sis sounds wretched too. Your poor dad dealing with her and being so loving and generous to her all the time. I am sorry he had to finally cut her off but it sounds like the right choice.

Italian HC, I am so sorry for what you have been through also.

My dear DF, you sound so tired of dealing with it, I really can''t blame you! It will all be fine, you will see!

 

[diamondfan]

Lorelei, I AM. Mostly because people love to be buttiski''s without having all the facts. And normal people cannot see how someone could be that low and bad, so they just think she can chose to stop and be a good person, as if it were that easy. To me, if you cannot help, butt out. Stop with the Monday Morning quarterbacking and let others decide what works for them in their life.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 8/7/2008 2:23:14 PM
Author: diamondfan
Lorelei, I AM. Mostly because people love to be buttiski''s without having all the facts. And normal people cannot see how someone could be that low and bad, so they just think she can chose to stop and be a good person, as if it were that easy. To me, if you cannot help, butt out. Stop with the Monday Morning quarterbacking and let others decide what works for them in their life.

I know I could sense it.

It is ok for them to interfere, it isn''t their lives or their childrens that is affected!!! You must do what you think is right, you have excellent judgement!

 

[phoenixgirl]

Your sister must be putting an awful lot of energy into portraying herself as a victim here. Think of how often must she must be calling your relatives to complain if they even feel the need to intervene. That says a lot to me about her modus operandi (manipulate, manipulate, manipulate). If she had spent half this much energy and time consulting with other people to figure out how to be a good daughter, sister, and aunt, she wouldn''t be in the predicament she''s in. But I assume it''s all about the chase for her, and the attention she''s receiving from the relatives who will actually buy her story.

I''m sad for them, that they''re spending so much time listening to her lies that their normal aversion to meddling and common sense (what''s more likely -- that one person is toxic, or that a family has spontaneously decided to exclude a nice, innocent person?) are skewed. But I suspect that sooner or later she''ll show her true colors, and the number of people who can''t interact with her for their own good will grow.

Just hang in there. Don''t let her get you down. You can''t control what your relatives think (if you tried to, you''d just be doing what they''re doing -- meddling). Just respond politely and remember that you are being a good mama to your kids. It''s sad that she can''t be a part of your lives, but it is what it is, and there''s no sense worrying about the people who feel free to criticize your actions without knowing the whole story. Either they are not the wisest people, or she is one amazing manipulator, because it would be obvious to me that a sister wouldn''t cut ties with another sister exclusively over giving a child an inappropriate "gift." I''d know that there would have to be more to that story.

 

[diamondfan]

Phoenix, one thing I am finding is that the much older relatives have a hard time seeing the truth. My one cousin who is closer to my age says, Yeah, she sucks, she is phony and obnoxious, but I talk her once every six months, I listen to her blab and get off the phone. It is not like I am investing a lot in the relationship.

Also, her brother died, so she has that bit of, at least while someone is alive things can be remedied. BUT her brother was not a nutcase. They were not super close but they loved each other, he never stabbed her in the back and she could trust him and count on him. I have NONE of that and never did. And the funny thing is my older relatives want to tell me stories like "in 1942 your dad, my brother, did X to me" For crying out loud who GIVES a crap? My one uncle who lost his son is nearly 80. He is emotionally devastated and my sister knows this. My cousin, his daughter, says my sister, who NEVER made an effort with this uncle, now calls him in L.A. from England weekly, sends him joke emails, blah blah, and generally kisses his and my aunt''s ass. My cousin, his own surviving kid, said to me in all seriousness, Your sister is becoming the daughter my parents never had". My cousin KNOWS my sister is manipulating and ass kissing, but her dad is happy so she shuts up, she also says he cannot recall a lot and has aged a ton since my cousin (his son) died in 2005. Again, I do not care if he wants to chat with her and email jokes back and forth. I DO care that I get made to feel that I am unforgiving and cruel to be so steadfast in my resolve to be away from her. Every note sent to my kids behind my back is one more piece of proof that she is nuts and not concerned about mending fences legitimately.

 

[partgypsy]

Sorry that you came up snake eyes for a sister. Now that you have gone into details, it sounds like a lifetime of let''s just say "unsisterly" behavior. It is not your job to always be the "good guy" and take the crap. You are both adults. Hopefully you stand firm and not inviting her to your family''s function will light something in her brain and be a "teachable" moment for her.


I have an older brother who basically we make small talk with on the phone, but do not have really any kind of close relationship with at all. It was a decision on my part after him burning so many bridges both with me, and all members of my family. I''m sure other people in my family would do as well if they could extricate him from their lives. His behavior is not as horrendous as it used to be and is always extra friendly to me trying to buddy up to me, but it''s a case of too little too late. Here is his kind of thought process. He dated one of my best friends in high school. I warned her about him, but she had fallen in love. They live together for a number of years. she is a very hard working motivated person and supported herself and put herself through college. While going through school and holding down a job at the same time she is paying the rent, bills. My brother when he is working spends all his money on himself (drugs, music equipment, video games) and when not working has no problem living off her. But she tolerated all that, as they "loved" each other. The last straw was they were visiting my mom''s house, and my friend walks into the basement and into my brother having sex with some another woman. Needless to say, they broke up, but for months later my brother kept wanting me to intercede so she could take him back, saying "I don''t know why she won''t forgive me. I said I''m sorry!" Loser.

 

[diamondfan]

OOHH, that is not good!

My sister gets very defensive about things. She turns things around and does not hear anything that is the least bit negative.

She told one of my cousins, "Well, she does not want to talk to me, she told me so. So why should I apologize if she won''t accept it?"

Well, to me, if you wrong someone, the onus is on YOU to apologize no matter what. Whether they accept it or not is their business. I am not obligated to accept if things have deteriorated to such a degree in our relationship, but I do not feel she is absolved from making the apology. She did what she did, and should at least own up.

About 18 months into this saga, when she was STILL sending cards addressed to my kids with no return address even though she had been told to stop, I emailed her to say STOP. Leave us alone, you have been told many times, I do not want contact from you, how dare you circumvent my direct request and yet you have never even tried to make amends or apologize? (to be fair, again, I would not just take the apology and have things go back to what they were prior to the incident, BUT I would give her credit for trying to repair the damage somewhat). She emails me back that it was MY fault she did not apologize as I seemed unreceptive AND that she told everyone in the family how sorry she was. Frankly, I asked some of them when it came up that she had been in contact with them, and not ONE of them said she did this. Lying, spinning the truth, defending, that is all just second nature to her and she cannot see clearly no matter what is done.

Some people are just toxic and bad, and while I cannot say I am not sad in theory about what it is now, I have to be realistic too. She is not a healthy or safe person to have in my life, and therefore she cannot be. If that changes some day, fine. Otherwise, it is what it is.

 

[diamondfan]

UPDATE:

invites went out last week and she is not on the list!

I knew that no matter what, this event is neither the time nor the place to see her for the first time in almost three years.

I am still strong in my decision. I hope others in the family can see it from my side and come share in the occasion, and not judge me for something they really do not understand. I hope, but if not, it is okay too. Those that matter to me will be here.

 

[mimzy]

good for you Dfan! i''m glad you were able to stick it out, i''m sure you''ll be glad you did in the end!

 

[diamondfan]

Thanks. I feel good about it, and that is what counts. And my son is fine with it too, which is even better.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 9/10/2008 11:42:34 PM
Author: diamondfan
Thanks. I feel good about it, and that is what counts. And my son is fine with it too, which is even better.

There ya go. You made the right choice for you and your family. Good for you!!!!

I know a bit about her, and know if she came, it would be all about her!!

This is a wonderful celebration of your beautiful son becoming a man.

He doesn't need any drama.

 

[diamondfan]

Kaleigh, I agree! There is always drama inherent in these big events, but I do not need MORE!

 

[miraclesrule]

Yikes, I know what a difficult decision it was to actually DO it vs. merely wanting to stand firm.

I hope she honors your wishes. You're such a strong woman, I know that you will be able to deal with any potential issues she tries to create for you. You have worked so hard toward this day, you and your family have, so it just isn't right for this day to be about her or having to deal with her.

It's getting so close. I can't wait to hear about how wonderful the event was after it's over

 

[diamondfan]

Thanks, M! I am getting excited, it is starting to all come together, all those details. Starting to get lots of RSVP''s back and my son loves getting the mail.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 9/11/2008 12:59:56 AM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 9/10/2008 11:42:34 PM
Author: diamondfan
Thanks. I feel good about it, and that is what counts. And my son is fine with it too, which is even better.

There ya go. You made the right choice for you and your family. Good for you!!!!

I know a bit about her, and know if she came, it would be all about her!!

This is a wonderful celebration of your beautiful son becoming a man.

He doesn't need any drama.

That is the truth for sure Kaleigh!! Good for you DiamondFan in sticking to your guns!

I know it will be a wonderful and memorable occasion for him!

 

[diamondfan]

I know it will. And it makes me sad she did such damage over all these years that this is where we ended up. Not my desire, but she did what she did. Cannot really unring 39 years of crap.

I am sure she will cry to the family members she talks to and I hope to G*d they do not come up to my mother and do a number on her..."oh, it is so sad that on this occasion your other daughter, his aunt, is not here..."

 

[pennquaker09]

Date: 9/12/2008 12:26:05 AM
Author: diamondfan
I know it will. And it makes me sad she did such damage over all these years that this is where we ended up. Not my desire, but she did what she did. Cannot really unring 39 years of crap.


I am sure she will cry to the family members she talks to and I hope to G*d they do not come up to my mother and do a number on her...''oh, it is so sad that on this occasion your other daughter, his aunt, is not here...''

My mom always says it is better to love people from a distance and I think this is one of the occasions that warrant this.

 

[diamondfan]

Penn, I am not sure I could love her from another galaxy at this point.
Sad, as I would love to have that Hallmark card sibling relationship, but it takes two to make that happen. You can only get tortured so much in life. Finally decided enough was enough.

 

[pennquaker09]

Date: 9/12/2008 1:37:27 AM
Author: diamondfan
Penn, I am not sure I could love her from another galaxy at this point.

Sad, as I would love to have that Hallmark card sibling relationship, but it takes two to make that happen. You can only get tortured so much in life. Finally decided enough was enough.

I really hate that, I''d like to hope things will get better in the future. I can''t say that I understand your feelings because I don''t have any sibling issues, but my dad has been having some issues with some of his siblings because they''ve said some not so nice things about me, but I kind of let that be between them.

One of the things that I try to do is not hold any kind of negative feelings towards anyone. I don''t forget the things that they''ve done to me, but life''s short and I don''t wanna live with hatred in my heart. That''s kind of what I take from what my mom said. I don''t have to see them or talk to them, but I can still care for them because they are my family. Other than that, it is what it is. I''m visiting home in at the end of the month and I''m wondering how it''s going to go . . .