should I say anything? (long)

[waterlilly]

My advice:

Stay out of it.

Like someone said, they are adults. It''s not like he''s confiding in you for advice. If he won''t give anyone a straight answer - leave it alone.

 

[MAC-W]

Date: 1/26/2010 5:08:25 PM
Author: princesss

Trill, being totally honest, it just isn''t your place to consult a specialist. It''s his life, his health, his responsibility. I don''t know if this is to satisfy your curiousity or what, but it is so far over the line to consult a specialist about somebody else''s health that I''m not sure you can even see where the line used to be. I have health problems, and I assure you, I would be livid to find out my brother''s SO had an appointment with a doctor about it. Absolutely furious.

Totally agree with this. If I found out my SIL or MIL or even my own siblings had consulted someone about my cancer I would be completely P***ed off.

Its my problem and I will deal with it.

A cancer diagnosis is hard enough to deal with. I dont need others ''interfering'' no matter how well intentioned they are.

 

[MAC-W]

Date: 1/26/2010 6:19:57 PM
Author: IndyLady
I'm quite surprised by the responses on this thread.

We're talking about Trill's future brother in law, in other words, family. If someone in my mother or father were in a high-risk situation and considering taking a break from health insurance...you bet I wouldn't let it happen!(iA)I wouldn't stop to think they that were adults; adults make bad decisions too. And while 26 is adult age, its still pretty young and many 26 year olds I know feel invincible. Maybe its a cultural thing, but I think my conscience wouldn't let me live it down if I watched a train wreck like the one Trill is describing happen to my brother in law, sister in law, and niece. It also sounds like Trill and Trill's FI might have to contribute to the family as well. I'm also amazed that some would be angry because Trill is doing her research; if I were in his place, I would be grateful to have such a caring and thoughtful sister in law. I would definitely never think that you were trying to satisfy curiosity; once again it might be a cultural thing, or depend on your family dynamic.

Unless you've been there and done that dont presume to judge how someone copes with a diagnosis like this.

We all have our own way and while I'm sure you are very well meaning, your way may not be their way or my way.

to describe it as a "train wreck" is very harsh.

I currently have a 75% chance of my cancer reoccuring - will you judge any of my decisions as a train wreck?

 

[waterlilly]

Date: 3/13/2010 11:11:53 AM
Author: MAC-W

Date: 1/26/2010 6:19:57 PM

Author: IndyLady

I''m quite surprised by the responses on this thread.


We''re talking about Trill''s future brother in law, in other words, family. If someone in my mother or father were in a high-risk situation and considering taking a break from health insurance...you bet I wouldn''t let it happen!(iA)I wouldn''t stop to think they that were adults; adults make bad decisions too. And while 26 is adult age, its still pretty young and many 26 year olds I know feel invincible. Maybe its a cultural thing, but I think my conscience wouldn''t let me live it down if I watched a train wreck like the one Trill is describing happen to my brother in law, sister in law, and niece. It also sounds like Trill and Trill''s FI might have to contribute to the family as well. I''m also amazed that some would be angry because Trill is doing her research; if I were in his place, I would be grateful to have such a caring and thoughtful sister in law. I would definitely never think that you were trying to satisfy curiosity; once again it might be a cultural thing, or depend on your family dynamic.

Unless you''ve been there and done that dont presume to judge how someone copes with a diagnosis like this.


We all have our own way and while I''m sure you are very well meaning, your way may not be their way or my way.


to describe it as a ''train wreck'' is very harsh.


I currently have a 75% chance my cancer wil reoccur - Will you judge any of my decisions as a train wreck?

Huh? I think you may have misconstrued her post - because I am totally confused by your response. The situation Trill describes is indeed a train-wreck in my eyes also. My opinion differs from IndyLady though - in that its a train-wreck I''d stay away from, not run towards.

Indy was commenting on Trill''s description of what is happening in her family in this one situation - it really has nothing to do with anyone else and how they deal with their health issues.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/13/2010 11:11:53 AM
Author: MAC-W

Date: 1/26/2010 6:19:57 PM

Author: IndyLady

I''m quite surprised by the responses on this thread.


We''re talking about Trill''s future brother in law, in other words, family. If someone in my mother or father were in a high-risk situation and considering taking a break from health insurance...you bet I wouldn''t let it happen!(iA)I wouldn''t stop to think they that were adults; adults make bad decisions too. And while 26 is adult age, its still pretty young and many 26 year olds I know feel invincible. Maybe its a cultural thing, but I think my conscience wouldn''t let me live it down if I watched a train wreck like the one Trill is describing happen to my brother in law, sister in law, and niece. It also sounds like Trill and Trill''s FI might have to contribute to the family as well. I''m also amazed that some would be angry because Trill is doing her research; if I were in his place, I would be grateful to have such a caring and thoughtful sister in law. I would definitely never think that you were trying to satisfy curiosity; once again it might be a cultural thing, or depend on your family dynamic.

Unless you''ve been there and done that dont presume to judge how someone copes with a diagnosis like this.


We all have our own way and while I''m sure you are very well meaning, your way may not be their way or my way.


to describe it as a ''train wreck'' is very harsh.


I currently have a 75% chance of my cancer reoccuring - will you judge any of my decisions as a train wreck?

I think maybe you misunderstood the post...

 

[MAC-W]

I dont think I have misconstrued but maybe given my circumstances I am overly sensitive to this type of situation (so this will be my last post on the subject)

I understand what the OP is saying and if someone in my family had a diagnosis like this of course I too would offer them help,

But........................

Having been there and done that, if that offer of help was declined/rejected/ignored, from my own personal experience I wouldnt force the issue.

I say again, we all have our own way of dealing with issues like this, and while Trill's FBIL's decision may not be to her liking it IS his decision and as such she should respect it.

 

[Arkteia]

Date: 1/27/2010 4:18:13 PM
Author: IndyLady
Forgoing health insurance soon after having cancer is not a mistake, it is a tragedy in my opinion. Toying with health insurance is essentially toying with your life and the lives of your family members as well, including your baby niece. Even if he was single, I would still advocate a serious talk, but because he does have a wife and daughter, I would encourage even more so. I might be biased on the topic since my mother had breast cancer a few years ago and went through 9 rounds of chemotherapy. I can''t say about your brother in law, but cancer has had a very large impact on my mother and has permanently damaged her immune system and she can easily become very sick from what normally be a minor illness. I can''t imagine the stress we would face if we did not have health insurance.

I agree... Boundaries aside, it potentially could be a matter of life and death, and I''d encourage you to talk to them. I''d do it.
And it is not only about his thyroid. People get in accidents, there may be critical situations. Hospital bills can eat people alive!

Getting state insurance these days takes a lot of time and many people are rejected because of the economy.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/13/2010 11:37:01 AM
Author: MAC-W
I dont think I have misconstrued but maybe given my circumstances I am overly sensitive to this type of situation (so this will be my last post on the subject)

I understand what the OP is saying and if someone in my family had a diagnosis like this of course I too would offer them help,

But........................

Having been there and done that, if that offer of help was declined/rejected/ignored, from my own personal experience I wouldnt force the issue.

I say again, we all have our own way of dealing with issues like this, and while Trill's FBIL's decision may not be to her liking it IS his decision and as such she should respect it.

LOL, wow, thread revived itself!

My concern was this, and only this. I wanted the family, FBIL and FSIL, to know that they had the support of their extended family should they wish to use it. Because we had discussed this with FBIL only, and he was acting as a gatekeeper, I wanted FSIL to have the same information. At that point, take it or leave it. I am not trying to ram anything down anyone's throat, but they are a family unit, and I thought it best for both parties to have all the information while making their decision. They were open to FI and I helping them, but I don't think that they followed up on what needed to be done, which had a March 1 deadline. So, they made their decision, and I can live with that. I could not live with being willing to help and saying nothing at all. People don't always know how to, or feel comfortable asking for help, even when they need it. If you were my family, I would do the same for you. If you said 'BUTT OUT!', I would do that too without batting an eye.

As it currently stands, I have no idea what FBIL is doing for health care, but FSIL and the kids should be covered by the extended COBRA policy. They are now separated (her decision), and FBIL is living back at home with his parents.

And whoever used the term 'trainwreck' was correct, judgmental or not.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 3/13/2010 11:11:53 AM
Author: MAC-W

Date: 1/26/2010 6:19:57 PM

Author: IndyLady

I'm quite surprised by the responses on this thread.


We're talking about Trill's future brother in law, in other words, family. If someone in my mother or father were in a high-risk situation and considering taking a break from health insurance...you bet I wouldn't let it happen!(iA)I wouldn't stop to think they that were adults; adults make bad decisions too. And while 26 is adult age, its still pretty young and many 26 year olds I know feel invincible. Maybe its a cultural thing, but I think my conscience wouldn't let me live it down if I watched a train wreck like the one Trill is describing happen to my brother in law, sister in law, and niece. It also sounds like Trill and Trill's FI might have to contribute to the family as well. I'm also amazed that some would be angry because Trill is doing her research; if I were in his place, I would be grateful to have such a caring and thoughtful sister in law. I would definitely never think that you were trying to satisfy curiosity; once again it might be a cultural thing, or depend on your family dynamic.

Unless you've been there and done that dont presume to judge how someone copes with a diagnosis like this.


We all have our own way and while I'm sure you are very well meaning, your way may not be their way or my way.


to describe it as a 'train wreck' is very harsh.


I currently have a 75% chance of my cancer reoccuring - will you judge any of my decisions as a train wreck?

The "train wreck" that I foresee is going without health insurance. That's it.

My mother had breast cancer and two cycles of chemo 7 years ago, and was given 5-8 years to live, which is why I'm so adamant that Trill's brother in law maintain health insurance. Her initial mastectomy, chemo, and medication were not the end of it; soon after chemo, she had the chicken pox and was hospitalized for 10 days, and even years after treatment, her immune system is still weak and she gets very sick, very easily. If we didn't have health insurance, it would be have been nearly impossible to pay for the bills and medication that she has had to take over the years. Even co-pays add up quickly.

I know its hard to keep up with health insurance. My dad started his own engineering firm a few years ago, and was more or less "between jobs" as his new firm picked up. It was expensive to pay out of pocket for health insurance, but still less expensive than going without it in the long run. We are very thankful to have had the means at that time to be able to have health insurance without an employer.

ETA: I think that affordable health insurance is a big issue in the States, and it makes me so sad that sometimes it comes to the point where one has to chose to have it or live without it, especially after a serious health problem.

 

[trillionaire]

Just to update:

FBIL finally did some follow-up with the Doctor. There does appear to be residual tissue that may still be cancerous (which would explain the wacky numbers). FBIL still does not have a job, but FSIL just got one. They are seperated, but not legally (they are living separately). Even if she would put him on her insurance, I think that the lapse in his coverage would still prevent him from being covered?

I had no idea.

This is what we were trying to avoid. I hope everything work out okay. I have no idea what will happen.

 

[cara]

Not necessarily trill. Group policies in particular are better about pre-existing conditions. Sometimes. And how long a gap matters too.

I think that... if you are someone that may be asked to front the money for expensive health care bills because someone isn't carrying insurance, or would merely feel horrible enough watching your family member not get appropriate medical care and possibly dying or suffering with a serious injury or illness that you would feel compelled to drain your retirement account or mortgage your house or put off your wedding, then you are allowed to speak up once or twice to encourage adults you love to act responsibly even if it is not minding your own business. Yes to some degree its meddling and opens the door to all kinds of meddling that is not warranted - you'll catch your death of cold! and what not. But really. Many times people take risks with their own health or lives and don't really think about the consequences - and there can be serious consequences to the people around you with some of those bad decisions.

Anyway, good luck to your FBIL.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/30/2010 6:34:48 PM
Author: cara
Not necessarily trill. Group policies in particular are better about pre-existing conditions. Sometimes. And how long a gap matters too.

I think that... if you are someone that may be asked to front the money for expensive health care bills because someone isn''t carrying insurance, or would merely feel horrible enough watching your family member not get appropriate medical care and possibly dying or suffering with a serious injury or illness that you would feel compelled to drain your retirement account or mortgage your house or put off your wedding, then you are allowed to speak up once or twice to encourage adults you love to act responsibly even if it is not minding your own business. Yes to some degree its meddling and opens the door to all kinds of meddling that is not warranted - you''ll catch your death of cold! and what not. But really. Many times people take risks with their own health or lives and don''t really think about the consequences - and there can be serious consequences to the people around you with some of those bad decisions.

Anyway, good luck to your FBIL.

Thanks Cara! FBIL has a lot of people who love him. Hopefull his wife is still in that camp.