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Should i gift my mum with a ring which may upset her?

mrsjlee

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 26, 2013
Messages
17
Hi Ladies, sorry for the very uninspired title but I really wasnt sure how best to pose my question...

Here's the thing, my family sadly lost my brother unexpectedly in 2014 and everyone took it hard but my mum has never quite seem to have recovered from it. She functions as per usual, is able to to go about her daily life and is able to laugh at jokes etc but from time to time she tears up pretty badly and withdraws from social situations in order to let that feeling of grief pass. I'd say that on the whole, she is handling it pretty well, with not too frequent periods of intense pain/grief when she gets reminded of him.

So recently, I've been thinking of gifting her with a piece of jewelry. She used to love wearing jewelry when she was younger, but has handed most of her nice pieces down to myself and my sisters. I was hoping to get her something nice and petite, just for everyday wear and was thinking to involve a small emerald. The thing is, emerald is my brother's birthstone and i'm not sure if she might get triggered by the sight of it or the meaning behind it. All i intend for was for her to get to keep something that's representative of my brother close to her heart. But i'm not sure if she might take it the wrong way because she's a person who guards her emotions very closely and had always preferred to grief alone so i've always respected her preference to keep that personal, and find it hard to talk to her to gauge where she is at right now...

What do you girls think? Good idea? or should i scrape that thought altogether?
 

Daisys and Diamonds

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
3,891
your poor mum (and the rest of your family) you must all miss your brother very much
grief has bo time limit
i cannot imangine the pain of lossing a sibling, must less a child - no matter how old

i think its a really lovelly idea
especially seeing as your mum has gutted so much of her own jewlery away
 

lissyflo

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 23, 2016
Messages
910
I also think it's a lovely idea, but you know how your mum will react better than anyone and you seem uncertain. If you'd like to buy her a piece of jewellery, how about something steering away from emerald if it's your brother's birthstone and that's what worrying you. Why not buy her a sentimental piece that's solely from you to her, to signify your relationship and that you love and care for her, and to celebrate your relationship? Or if you specifically wanted to potentially include your brother, how about something like a locket - leave it empty (if you're not sure how she'll react to it relating to your brother) and let her find her own use for the space inside - she might ultimately work her way to inserting pictures of you and your brother or she may not. But either way, I'm sure she would appreciate the gesture from you as confirmation of your love and care for her.

I speak as someone who's lost a brother and had to watch my mum deal with the acute and very specific pain and anguish that causes, so I'm sending thoughts your way. I personally can't imagine anything more traumatic than losing a child. But if you say your mum prefers to grieve in private, maybe she's the type of person who needs to process memories to remember and feel close to someone, rather than having 'things'. Something unrelated to your brother may help her see that other relationships are still there and nurturing her - dealing with grief is a marathon not a sprint and something confirming the here and now may be what she needs to pull her forwards? Regardless, I hope your family can heal from your loss and am thinking of you.
 

Daisys and Diamonds

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
3,891
your poor mum (and the rest of your family) you must all miss your brother very much
grief has bo time limit
i cannot imangine the pain of lossing a sibling, must less a child - no matter how old

i think its a really lovelly idea
especially seeing as your mum has gutted so much of her own jewlery away
please excuse all my typos mrsjlee

i wrote that late at night
lissyflo did write a lovelly post above
 

mrsjlee

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 26, 2013
Messages
17
thanks everyone!!
I also think it's a lovely idea, but you know how your mum will react better than anyone and you seem uncertain. If you'd like to buy her a piece of jewellery, how about something steering away from emerald if it's your brother's birthstone and that's what worrying you. Why not buy her a sentimental piece that's solely from you to her, to signify your relationship and that you love and care for her, and to celebrate your relationship? Or if you specifically wanted to potentially include your brother, how about something like a locket - leave it empty (if you're not sure how she'll react to it relating to your brother) and let her find her own use for the space inside - she might ultimately work her way to inserting pictures of you and your brother or she may not. But either way, I'm sure she would appreciate the gesture from you as confirmation of your love and care for her.

I speak as someone who's lost a brother and had to watch my mum deal with the acute and very specific pain and anguish that causes, so I'm sending thoughts your way. I personally can't imagine anything more traumatic than losing a child. But if you say your mum prefers to grieve in private, maybe she's the type of person who needs to process memories to remember and feel close to someone, rather than having 'things'. Something unrelated to your brother may help her see that other relationships are still there and nurturing her - dealing with grief is a marathon not a sprint and something confirming the here and now may be what she needs to pull her forwards? Regardless, I hope your family can heal from your loss and am thinking of you.
Thank you so much for this @lissyflo . Definitely i will be considering to steer away from the emerald until i'm absolutely sure of how she feels about it because i'm pretty sure my mum would receive the piece graciously and if it does cause her anguish she is more than likely to hide it really well and i'd be none the wiser about the hurt i may have caused.

I'll consider to gift her something plain, or to make a piece that has all of our birthstones in it as suggested by @partgypsy !
 

yssie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 14, 2009
Messages
20,553
I can't comment on the jewellery @mrsjlee, but this is a lovely thought and I'm so very sorry for your loss :(sad
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
55,633
Since she still has times of being upset, I wouldn't think something that would be a constant reminder of the loss would be a good idea. Emeralds are really not good for daily 24/7 wear, either. I'd get her a small diamond pendant just as a gift of love, though!
 

beatricecrummles

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 25, 2020
Messages
7
Since she still has times of being upset, I wouldn't think something that would be a constant reminder of the loss would be a good idea. Emeralds are really not good for daily 24/7 wear, either. I'd get her a small diamond pendant just as a gift of love, though!
Agree with this. A simple diamond pendant is perfect.
 

junebug17

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 17, 2009
Messages
12,193
I'm so very sorry for your loss @mrsjlee.

I'm thinking that since you don't know how she's going to react maybe you should err on the side of caution and just get her a pretty piece of jewelry to enjoy.
 

TheGarnetGirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 13, 2018
Messages
1,052
Losing a child is probably the worst pain that you can feel on Earth.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve or "too weird" as long as its not hurting anyone.

While this is extremely personal, I will share this in the hopes that my opinion will help you to decide:

I too lost my son (when he was an infant) and so far Ive had four different pieces made to commemorate him. Some include his ashes and they are priceless to me. They are also discrete so others have no idea, as they are set under the stones. The pain of losing someone we love is so tangible but when its your child, it hits different.

Especially for the mother that has a physical tie to her baby and carried them in the womb. Its a pain that Ive realized will never lessen or go away for me but I become stronger everyday in his memory, and also for my daughter and others who depend on me.

For me having something close that I could hold in hard times was so important to me. & if I had lost my son when my daughter was old enough to give me the gift youre thinking of Id cry bittersweet tears.
Tears knowing that he isnt forgotten and others are in this with me and love me and tears of his loss.

Personally, as someone who's lost a child, I think this is one of the most heartfelt jewelry purchases but, you must do what your gut tells you.
If you think shed be triggered and taken aback negatively, try diamond or ruby or even garnet.

Also know that everyone is different, but I have found that most women who have lost a child do enjoy having something tangible to hold or touch everyday close to their hearts.

❤
 

lissyflo

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 23, 2016
Messages
910
Especially for the mother that has a physical tie to her baby and carried them in the womb. Its a pain that Ive realized will never lessen or go away for me but I become stronger everyday in his memory, and also for my daughter and others who depend on me.
Massive hugs @TheGarnetGirl This part of your post in particular made me cry - that you can be a tower of strength and grow from such extreme pain must be hugely inspirational (that isn’t the word I want but I can’t think of the right one) to your family.
 

TheGarnetGirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 13, 2018
Messages
1,052
Thank you both for your kind words. It means a lot. ❤ I'm actually a very private person so it can be hard sharing intimate things but if it helps someone else even in the smallest way I feel okay doing so.
 
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