Should I feel guilty?

[zhuzhu]

This is a strange story for most....

My inlaws are in town this week, and they came to our house for the 1st time yesterday. As I expected, the step FIL had his video recorder with him and was getting ready to film our house inside and out to do a "show & tell" when they get back home.

I already knew he videos everything everywhere he goes, so I have previously asked my husband to ask him to please not film our house. I am a pretty private person, and the thought of every details of my house being shown to family members I have only met once, freaks me out.

DH passed on my request while they were outside, so he didn''t. But they looked "hurt" and disappointed about the whole thing.

Am I supposed to feel bad that I didn''t let them film my house? Is it really just me who feels funny about having someone showing your home to others behind your back?

 

[vespergirl]

I wouldn''t feel bad about it. If people were videoing my house, I would feel like it were up for sale or something. Maybe you can take some nice still photos of the two of you out front of your home (standing in the yard or something) that also shows the house and yard, and send that to your in-laws, so they can show off the two of you and your beautiful home - because you know that''s what they want to do

 

[geckodani]

I wouldn''t feel bad about it. It''s out of your comfort zone, and you spoke up about it. I second the idea to take some nice still shots, but having someone all over my house with a camera.... odd.

 

[iheartscience]

Hmm...I guess I don''t see why you couldn''t let him videotape your house. It''s not as if he''s going to post it all over the internet, right? I understand wanting privacy but he would probably only show it off to his family and close friends, so I don''t really see the harm.

But hey-it''s your house, and if you''re not comfortable with it, that''s that. If you''re still feeling bad about it I would just talk to the FIL yourself and explain it to him.

 

[House Cat]

You are allowed to hold your boundaries. If having your house filmed makes you uncomfortable, then it is your right to say so. End of story.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You are allowed to have boundaries the same way they are allowed to have hurt feelings. I obviously do not know your FIL but I would be willing to guess he is PROUD of you guys and your home. My MIL took tons of pictures when we moved into our new house to show her friends. I guess I am not that private b/c I never saw it as an invasion but as her way to show her pride. It''s ok to stick to your guns but maybe you can explain why it makes you uncomfortable so they can understand this is your issue not their issue.

 

[Dreamer_D]

No you shouldn''t feel guilty for refusing to indulge a strange hobby of your FIL''s

 

[movie zombie]

you''re uncomfortable. no explanation owed. however, big Big BIG brownie points to them for respecting the request.....i''d make sure to thank them and would definitely send a picture or two or three of you and your SO to them.

mz

 

[rainwood]

Date: 9/14/2009 10:31:14 AM
Author: thing2of2
Hmm...I guess I don''t see why you couldn''t let him videotape your house. It''s not as if he''s going to post it all over the internet, right? I understand wanting privacy but he would probably only show it off to his family and close friends, so I don''t really see the harm.


But hey-it''s your house, and if you''re not comfortable with it, that''s that. If you''re still feeling bad about it I would just talk to the FIL yourself and explain it to him.

I agree with thing2of2. Although you certainly have the right to set boundaries, adjusting those boundaries for family and other people is sometimes the better way to go.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 9/14/2009 12:30:31 PM
Author: rainwood

Date: 9/14/2009 10:31:14 AM
Author: thing2of2
Hmm...I guess I don''t see why you couldn''t let him videotape your house. It''s not as if he''s going to post it all over the internet, right? I understand wanting privacy but he would probably only show it off to his family and close friends, so I don''t really see the harm.


But hey-it''s your house, and if you''re not comfortable with it, that''s that. If you''re still feeling bad about it I would just talk to the FIL yourself and explain it to him.

I agree with thing2of2. Although you certainly have the right to set boundaries, adjusting those boundaries for family and other people is sometimes the better way to go.

I have to agree.

My future in-laws video taped and took a million pictures of all of our apartments when we moved in to show relatives back home. I''m a private person as well but I knew the in-laws were doing it out of love and pride and were only going to show friends and family.

 

[zhuzhu]

This set of inplaws gossip a lot. Actually both sets do, but this set particularly gossip about the other children, and especially the other DIL, infront of us. The gossips were all over the place from how silly it is what they want to do for the house remodel, how stupid it is to want to put kitchen table here instead of there....

I guess that''s why I refuse to be the "topic" of her gossip back home. Hence the discomfort to share my home as a material....

 

[Dreamer_D]

I don''t think that you need to explain yourself at all, it is you house and you can set whatever crazy rules you want in it! I like MZ''s suggestion of sending some photos or something if you feel guilty. Besides, now you gave them something really good to gossip about -- how you meanly didn''t allow them to film

I had a similar issue with my FIL right after I gave birth. I was very heavy and didn''t like how I looked and so I asked him repeatedly not to take photos of me. He never really got the point, and I know he was a little hurt, but I think it is just as much his responsibility to respect my wishes as it is my responsibility to indulge his. Same goes in your situation, IMHO.

 

[kindred]

Date: 9/14/2009 8:59:39 AM
Author: vespergirl
I wouldn''t feel bad about it. If people were videoing my house, I would feel like it were up for sale or something. Maybe you can take some nice still photos of the two of you out front of your home (standing in the yard or something) that also shows the house and yard, and send that to your in-laws, so they can show off the two of you and your beautiful home - because you know that''s what they want to do

I really like vespergirl''s suggestion. You could throw them a bone with one or a few exterior shots of you and your husband without making every detail of the interior of your house the subject of gossip.

 

[rainwood]

If these inlaws gossip a lot, you''ll have to choose whether they gossip to the relatives back home about your house or about how you weren''t very nice to them. Which one would you rather have?

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 9/14/2009 9:23:20 PM
Author: rainwood
If these inlaws gossip a lot, you''ll have to choose whether they gossip to the relatives back home about your house or about how you weren''t very nice to them. Which one would you rather have?

i''m sure she was very nice to them. not wanting one''s picture taken doesn''t make someone not nice.....in my book. not inviting them over, or not letting them in the house, now that''s not nice.

mz

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 9/14/2009 11:11:17 PM
Author: movie zombie

Date: 9/14/2009 9:23:20 PM
Author: rainwood
If these inlaws gossip a lot, you''ll have to choose whether they gossip to the relatives back home about your house or about how you weren''t very nice to them. Which one would you rather have?

i''m sure she was very nice to them. not wanting one''s picture taken doesn''t make someone not nice.....in my book. not inviting them over, or not letting them in the house, now that''s not nice.

mz

+1 MZ.

 

[zhuzhu]

I am extremely nice to them... Smile at everything they said, paying for dinner 3 times already, and offered to cook for them Thursday. I think I have done my in-law daughterly duty more than enough.

 

[rainwood]

Zhuzhu -

I''m sorry if I wasn''t clear. I''m not saying you weren''t nice. I''m just saying that if they would be taking video to criticize your home to others (that''s what you said they would do) and they gossip about their other DIL, they may interpret your refusal as not being nice and will gossip about you for that. If they really are gossipy people, they''re going to pick some type of subject to gossip about you. Would you rather have them gossip about videos of your house or about you not letting them video your house? Only you can answer that. That''s all I was trying to say.

 

[swingirl]

I think your in-laws just wanted a nice reminder of where their son is living. They are probably very proud of him and the house he owns. Our family always shares photos of everyone they visit. That way we get to feel part of everyone's life even when we can't be near.

Maybe you were thinking people would be judgmental of your home. They weren't going to be showing it "behind your back" in a sneaky sort of way. They were upfront about wanted to take the videos. Taking some photos yourself is a great suggestion. As a parent I would love to see my child and spouse's home.

Would you have felt the same way if your parents wanted to take videos of your home?

 

[zipzapgirl]

I think I would have gone with a compromise. They can film in the living room and kitchen--the public parts of the house--and the front of the house, but nowhere else. I don''t think that is creepy because it is parts of the house where guests would come anyway, so it''s like you had a visit. Now, any other places, those are off limits.

 

[Haven]

I agree that it is your house and you can set whatever boundaries and rules for your home that you see fit. So no, you definitely should not feel guilty.

I also think Rainwood makes a very good point when she said "If these inlaws gossip a lot, you''ll have to choose whether they gossip to the relatives back home about your house or about how you weren''t very nice to them. Which one would you rather have?"
Of course, you were not being mean when you asked that they not record your home, but I''d bet that they interpreted it that way. It''s definitely something to think about.

I understand what it''s like to have to set boundaries regarding your home and then deal with the consequences. My father''s parents, sister, and his sister''s son asked if my father would take them to our home for a tour of the house the day after my husband and I left for our honeymoon. When my dad asked me if this was okay I firmly said "No" and did not have to think about it twice. I did not and do not trust any of those people to not steal something, or to refrain from smoking in our home, or to generally respect our home and our belongings while they were there. My father did not like my answer, and I was pretty sure that he would just take them over to the house anyway so I begged my mom to make sure that didn''t happen.
My cousin is notorious for stealing valuables from my father''s sister and parents, and I wouldn''t put it past any of them to take something, actually. I know for a fact that they were all mad at me, and that they went and gossiped with all of our cousins about how horrible I am, but that''s too bad. They had been invited to our house a few days before the wedding and they chose to spend that time drinking with a friend, instead, so it''s not as if I hadn''t invited them over.

 

[zhuzhu]

Haven, thanks for sharing your story. I can definitely see why you didn''t want your cousins there without you!

My take on not having the house filmed is that they did not even ask us first, just walked in and got the camera rolling. Our house is a very precious and private sanctuary to me, and I don''t need family members back home to go over everything and discuss how "we should have done x and y differently", like how his mom discusses how badly her other DIL is managing her house and life. So no, they contributed nothing to our marriage or house, and I don''t feel the need to fill their every needs. In fact I have been extra kind to them with my time, service and money; and if they don''t appreciate that, then it is just not my problem anymore.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 9/15/2009 4:54:18 PM
Author: zhuzhu
Haven, thanks for sharing your story. I can definitely see why you didn''t want your cousins there without you!

My take on not having the house filmed is that they did not even ask us first, just walked in and got the camera rolling. Our house is a very precious and private sanctuary to me, and I don''t need family members back home to go over everything and discuss how ''we should have done x and y differently'', like how his mom discusses how badly her other DIL is managing her house and life. So no, they contributed nothing to our marriage or house, and I don''t feel the need to fill their every needs. In fact I have been extra kind to them with my time, service and money; and if they don''t appreciate that, then it is just not my problem anymore.

hear, hear! well said!

mz

 

[janinegirly]

Sounds to me like it''s not so much about a person''s need for privacy, but the issue of the IL''s gossiping (or having done so in the past)...therefore actions made by IL''s ares looked at through the lens of "will they use this to go rattle off about me in order to have something to gossip about?". No advice here, just saying that''s the issue so probably what will need to be worked out or at least admitted to so there isn''t misunderstandings.

I have my IL issues too trust me. And I''ve had the gossip thing happen. Made me shut down and not want ANYthing to do with them. I got over it but still dealing with the core issue (which in my case is being treated unfairly and coldly for whatever reason still TBD). So I DO sympathise!!!!